Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/05/16/really_really_sympathetic/

Thus spake the Moderatrix

Your problems solved, the world set to rights

By The Moderatrix

Posted in Bootnotes, 16th May 2008 13:09 GMT

Yesterday my esteemed colleague kindly offered the Reg readership a place to pour out your hearts, and so you copiously did, proving once and for all what a deeply sad distressed bunch you are.

I invited you to gaze into the abyss, and it prompted some bewilderment as to the breakdown of the supposed acronym VOID... well, I can only tell you that it means whatever you want it to mean. What do you yourself see in those letters? Perhaps it is joy. Perhaps it is pain. Perhaps it is an overwhelming and ultimately damaging predilection for the literal. It is for you to decide.

But indeed you have entrusted me with your innermost, and true to my obligations I have looked up briefly from my real work in order to give it a cursory glance while affecting a concerned and caring demeanour. Shuffle closer, and I will endeavour to soothe your collective troubled noggin. Firstly, let us address that vast aforementioned conundrum...

According to Miyamoto Musashi, the Kensei, in his seminal work "Go Rin No Sho":

"In the void is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom has existence, principle has existence, the Way has existence, spirit is nothingness."

Should we therefore aspire to the state of void, where virtue is present but "evil" is not, where virtue thus becomes meaningless due to the absence of its opposite - or should we abstain from the void state, in order to allow virtue to have meaning?

Mike

Yes. Next.


Given that X=Y and the world is round, can you tell me if its a sin to put your socks on before putting on underpants? I come to this critical point every morning of my life and can not determine if putting socks on first will send me to hell or will open my eyes to a greater good of tackle in the wind with cosy feet.

Please Help!

Tom

Dear Tom - I always say that a real man need not concern himself with the sequence of his sock-donning. He must only be aware of when he must remove them. I think there is a real life lesson there. Good luck!


What do I want to be when I grow up?

Michael

Me. Although I'm afraid you have manifestly missed that boat. You can help me around the house, though. Start by shining my boots. No, put the cloth down. I need them to be really shiny.


Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Paul

I take it from you. Because you do not deserve it.


Given what goes on today (we read about most of it on here), would you say that society (and perhaps human nature) is self destructive?

If so, have a stab at explaining why.

Edward

Dear Edward - I find it interesting that you ask me to explain this to you, when the answer is already there in front of you. You've always known, haven't you? You just need to say it. It's OK. Take your time. Don't rush yourself. This is a pivotal moment in your personal development.

Oh look, I haven't got all day - it's all your fault, basically. You are what is wrong with society. And frankly I think it's way past time you sorted that shit out. Don't you?


Given that climate change is causing the world to experience more and more extreme weather, fossil fuels are running out, the world's population is spiralling out of control, the socio-political climate is causing food and energy prices to rise... why are hot dogs sold in packs of 10 while hot dog buns are sold in packs of eight?

Zargof

We all deserve a little treat, Zargof. And those two extra hot dogs are life's way of saying - go on. Eat a hot dog. Eat another hot dog. No one's looking. The ketchup's right there. You don't need a goddamn bun. Just wolf that sucker down. You deserve it. It's your world, baby. And it's a world of illicitly-scoffed reformed pork.

Either that, or we are adrift in a senseless universe where disharmony reigns and tasty but wrong snacks shall ever be askew. I don't know. Why are you asking me?


wy does evrey body critizie my spellng? and how do I gte thme to stpo?

michael

Its a prblome. You culd allways just tell them to goe fcku thm selfs.

Why is it that no matter how many online forums I post on, I never get any responses flattering enough to validate my existence? I've tried all sorts of witticisms and pop-culture references, and yet still, at the end of the day, nobody seems to care. I've even pointed out people's grammatical and spelling mistakes, but nobody ever thanks me for it. Is my brilliance is too nuanced and subtle? Do I have to wait for Web the Third, or should I give Twitter a twirl?

Twanks.

Feargal

Ah Feargal, how often have I myself lain awake in my boudoir pondering just such agonising questions. We are kindred spirits, you and I - unforgivably unappreciated in our time, forced to plough a lonely net-based furrow of pedantry and general arsiness. All I can say is that we must somehow learn to appreciate and validate ourselves for the very special people that we are, strive to develop a better sense of ourselves as real achievers, and work towards acquiring the firm belief that everyone else on the internet is a twat. We can do it. It's gonna be alright.


When fishermen catch dolphin-friendly tuna, how do they know which tuna are being friendly to dolphins?

Anonymous Coward

Shut up.


Uummm. Could you lend me twenty quid till the end of the month?

Chris

Very well. But make sure it's back on the 31st because my best finger-breaking cosh isn't back from the repairers till June.


What do lemmings know that we don't?

Scott

The commonly-accepted idea that lemmings are driven to commit suicide en masse is nothing more than a myth, of ignoble origin. The Arctic rodents were in fact fitted up as mammalian Cobains by Disney, whose photographers actually drove a herd of the helpless creatures over a Canadian cliff for the wildlife "documentary" White Wilderness in 1958. Due to this appalling act of cruelty, which rather puts recent telly-fakery scandals in perspective, the fallacy has entered popular consciousness as fact and has endured remarkably as the decades have passed.

So, in answer to your question - why are you wasting my time and yours, Scott? I think perhaps there are bigger issues here than you are prepared to face.


Just how in the name of Dawkins can i stop my primal urges to choke the living sh1t out of stupid people?

Quick! they're coming to ask me questions again.. must .. not... reach... for .. gloves...

too late.

Spider

Ah, Spider. You're doing really, really well. Take it one day at a time. And if you should ever doubt yourself, remember - the old coal cellar is already full to bursting and we really should look into expanding into Mrs Fannington's basement next door. She'll never notice. The mad old boot.


Every male knows the One Rule of the Gents:

Thou Shalt Not Speak To Another Man While You Both Are In The Bog.

For this is true and right and good. Most of the people I know who were brought up in civilized society, and even some Americans, know the rule.

A co worker doesn't. Upon seeing me engaged in the favoured pass-time of Dr. James Riddle he had the bare-faced cheek to address me by name! I didn't answer, but my observance of the rules didn't enlighten him. He continued, delving into some horribly boring technical support problem. I finished and brushed past the incompetent in a hurry to exit (men aware of the rules know better than to wash their hands), and he *carried on speaking*.

So, my question is thus: Just what revenge should I take for this gross breach of human decency?

Stew

I regret, Stew, that I cannot address your sadly very common but no less traumatic problem in this open forum. The subject matter is too sensitive. However, meet me at Parsons Green at 3.19pm prompt and I will be delighted to provide you with instructions. Bring pliers, and a clean change of clothes.


how can I make enought time to read all the el-reg articles and play world of warcraft and install linix and also do my job

michael

Stop sleeping. Or, stop working. That should do it.


Alas, that's all I am able to do for now in terms of bailing out the ocean of human misery with my thimble. I do hope it's been helpful, and that perhaps you can face the howling emptiness of your Friday afternoon with a little more positivity. And now, bugger off again. ®