Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/03/27/standardised_comments/

El Reg offers cut-and-paste comments service

Click here for your rant of choice

By Sarah Bee and Lester Haines

Posted in Bootnotes, 27th March 2008 08:02 GMT

It's come to our attention that a certain kind of story will invariably provoke a Pavlovian response in certain Reg commentators who, in lieu of salivating at the sound of a bell, will suffer an immediate figurative jerking of the knee.

This involuntary spasm in turn provokes an uncontrollable venting of the spleen, the discharge of which ends up splattered across our reader comments - always to a set pattern.

Since we're concerned that the amount of energy being expended on ire might be having an adverse affect on the global climate and indeed the global economy, we've decided to offer a set of standard responses to specific news stimuli which will save you the bother of getting overly hot under the collar and burning up valuable calories which might otherwise be used for more useful activities, like spending all afternoon trying to install a printer driver on your Linux box, clubbing seals to death in Canada's frozen wastes, driving your motorcycle at Mach 3 on the Queen's highway, downloading bootleg movies via P2P sites or simply catching up on some non-IT-related hot Paris Hilton rumpy-pumpy news.

So, here you go:

Headline: Dumbass Yank rivets todger to SUV
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that our US cousins are a round short of a full clip comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: P2P freetard has sex with donkey
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that illegal downloading leads invariably to sexual perversion on a biblical scale comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: Linux sucks fat c*ck in Hell
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that Linux is to Windows what spam is to fine Italian proscutta ham comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: Global warming complete bollocks, says patio heater manufacturer
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that global warming is in fact a complete load of bollocks comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: Net paedo detonates nuke in Basingstoke
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that hanging is too good for 'em comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: US aircraft manufacturer admits to 'serious' in-flight toilet malfunction
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that you take your excretory organs in your hands when flying Stateside comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: Computer techies spread plague and anthrax: Official
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that malodorous BOFHs could do with a good bath and a quick dip in military-grade disinfectant comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: Boffins mate Paris Hilton clone with Justin Timberlake
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that the prediction that within 50 years every cash-flush citizen will be able to enjoy sex with a genetically-modified celebutard in the back seat of his or her flying car comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: Higgs Boson provokes subatomic speculationfest
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that you don't need to have a degree in physics, or any kind of degree at all, to speculate on the very nature of the universe comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Headline: El Reg story appears on alternative news outlet
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that articles sometimes appear in more than one place, and indeed sometimes prior to publication on El Reg, comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

Bootnote

Comments are allowed on this story, but be warned that the first person to deploy a derogatory -tard suffix will be banned for life from El Reg and his or her family sold into slavery. 'Nuff said.