Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/03/comments/

Ming the clam battles wolfman over Jordan's jubs

And man's best friend goes in, guns blazing

By Robin Lettice

Posted in Letters, 3rd November 2007 09:02 GMT

Comments Boffins have dredged up what is thought to be the world's oldest animal - a 405-year-old clam - and rather satisfyingly named it Ming. Unfortunately the clam seems to have since copped it, but the culpable scientists hope that studying it will lead to a greater understanding of the aging process - good news for current and future cane-shakers.

Boffins dig up oldest living animal ... and then kill it.

I can't help but think that there is some subtle nuance of irony hidden in there

Joe


Paris Hilton angle? Or is it because it is a clam? Is there video?

Anonymous Coward


"The Bangor scientists...believe that the clams may have evolved exceptionally effective defences which hold back the destructive ageing processes that normally occur."

Or it could just be that living in a cold dark environment while doing very little helps you live longer. Can't be very stressful being a clam, waiting for food to drift into your mouth.

If you want to see the ageing process at work call your IT bods with an unexplained, critical, company-wide problem that hits first thing Monday morning. I might make a suggestion that our DBAs should be stored in the fridge to improve their longevity.

Anonymous Coward


I wonder if they comforted the dying clam with prozac, which - as any fule kno - has been scientifically proven to make them happy, or at least randy.

I choose Paris Hilton as my avatar, because I am sure she is used to having squidgy, moist things in her mouth.

Ashley Pomeroy


I think the secret to a long life is to live deep in the ocean isn't very helpful.

Alan Donaly


Wow, a person that old would usually be represented in film by someone with a long white beard... So what I was wondering is: Was it a bearded clam?

Already out the door... Seeya.

Anonymous Coward


Noted flotation device frame Jordan has announced her epitaph. In the event of her demise, her gravestone will bear the modest inscription "She had perfect tits". We challenged you to come up with a more apt and pithy line. You gave your all:

Thanks for the mammaries.

Matt Zywina


"Jordan is dead,

But please don't be blue.

Though she's six foot below

Her nipples poke through."

Or, simply, "It's all gone hugely tits-up."

Bez


I like Jordan... She has her good points ;-)

Dave Alderson


She sleeps alone at last

Here lies the body of Katie Price; While she may rot; Her assets will not

Fame she had a plenty; Although her mind was empty; Here she turns; Amidst the worms; Appalled she's now a non-entity.

And finally ,

Where have all the cameras gone?

Anonymous Coward


...titillating conversationalist.

can we vote for peter andre's epitaph to be "he was a perfect tit"

Dave


The girl DOES have wit. By the time she reaches her 60's, her first suggestion "She had perfect tits" will be surprisingly accurate.

However the epitaph, "90% biodegradable" also springs to mind

Anonymous Coward


"My final implant."

Chris Moss

For reasons unknown, a half-naked Czech man recently occupied a Cardiff tree and began howling and whimpering like a wolf. It got a bit loud and annoying, so police were called in to deal with the lycanthropic squatter [is it really possible to squat in a tree? Ed.]. Despite a threat of trouser-removal, the wolfman was eventually coaxed down and taken away in a police van, which may or may not have been lined with silver.

Misread the title. I thought it said "woman" not "wolfman". I was quite disappointed.

Neil


Where's the pics? I really don't want to see them, but surely for the sake of PC and equality there should be the request?

Graham Wood


Aahhh-Wooo... Werewolf in Cardiff

Actually I can see now why Warren Zevon didn't go with that idea. Maybe for the sequel, eh?

Evil Graham


...I just wondered, if they'd shot him out of the tree, whether the Czech would have bounced...

I appear to have lost my cloakroom ticket...

Alan Potter


Big deal. I thought it was the time of year for nuts to fall from trees, anyway.

(Title reference: chestnuts.)

Jon Green


If they'd used a taser I suppose it would have needed silver electrodes.

Anonymous John

We ran a front-line report on the struggle between grammar nazis, Middle Englanders, Lester and, well, Lester from the looks of things. It's a dirty, confusing fight and one that will go to the finish. There were many theories about the production of this article, several involving the ever-philosophical commenter amanfromMars:

Lester, what ever it is you are taking, I want some!

Lexx Greatrex


This is what happens when an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters write Lester's articles for him.

Trevor


ManfromMars is writing articles now, not just comments!

Anonymous Coward


Showed the ar'ickle to my tart oo's an In-ger-lish gradjit and she goes "This Lest'uh, E's 'aving a fucking larf, inn'e?" and I'm like "Chill, yer dopey cow - it's fuckin' brill." and she's like "You fink so? You dunno the difference between a split infinitive and a glottel stop, you fuckwit saddo" so... well.. I just 'ad to bitchslap 'er so then, like, the filth are at the door but 'e sez "We don't do domestics" so now I'm dahn the pub instead of the nick. Result!

PS: A very funny piece, Lester. In particular I liked, "...denying the 'forces of darkness' the satisfaction of hanging them along with thousands of participles already left dangling by the uneducated masses..."

Keep up the solecisms, innapropriate adjectives and - above - occasional bad taste, El Reg!

Sceptical Bastard


Lester has been abducted by aManFromMars, who has since stolen his identity and is now using it to provide articles to elreg in order to confuse us prior to the attack of the lizard Alliance.

Never fear NLRA members will prevail!

Karl Lattimer


We took a lot of casualties, but your vile war on the English Language is far from over. Those of us who survived will go underground, hiding out in footnotes and citations, sneaking into your urban dictionaries under the cover of parenthesis and kidnapping the contemptible criminals from their very pages.

Will you be so proud of Lappy and Mobe when you see them in concrete cells, being declined by our elite linguistic zealots on Youtube? Great rewards await us- everyone who beheads a mobe ends up with an OBE - and we shall not rest until we have put a full stop to your deliberate pollution of our beautiful language.

breakfast


An Iowa dog shot its owner in the leg this week, putting the unfortunate man in hospital. Murderous intent on the part of the mutt was discounted, perhaps unwisely, and the 'accident' was put down to carelessness on the part of the owner. He had placed his gun on the ground with the safety off and proceeded to climb a fence near the muzzle end. Old Rover then - unintentionally, of course - trod on the trigger and unloaded 100 bird shot pellets into the man's leg.

The NRA must be proud. (That is Charley Heston's NRA - not the real one)

This is plainly not an accident but part of a secret DARPA project for the next war against North Korea. US dog soldiers are cheap to feed and the dead ones can simply be eaten thus reducing the cost of body bags and return flights.

Colin Millar


Never mind the RotM, what with the flaming kamikaze squirrels and monkey attacks recently I'm more concerned about the animals rising up and taking over. I'm certain that the government scientist's recent declaration of war on badgers must be what's tipped the animals over the edge. We're doomed!

One-armed Freddy


Oh so nearly a Darwin Award candidate..

Close but no cigar.

Fifty points to the dog though.

Lyndon Barry


Guns don't kill people. Dogs kill people.

With guns. Stay vigilant, and try not to look like a tin of dog food. ®