Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/09/29/elreg40_results/
ElReg40™: Get ready for Guttergroove
You define the future
Competition results We've been astonished in the last week by the respone to our call for Reg readers' web 2.0 ideas. The amount of creativity you launched in our general direction has been touching.
So here we present the internet's most exciting start-up conference. Forty (give or take) new paradigms to blow your mind. We'll begin with the merely profane:
MyWaste: A place for people to put all their shit, and talk shit about each others shit.
- Timothy Slade
Sounds great Timothy, but we reckon you need to tweak the pitch....
Pareality(beta): Web 2.0? User generated content? So. Last. Year. With pareality you can BE the content, as every moment of your life, waking or sleeping, is streamed live into our organic database and mashed up by heuristic neural meme analysis and other parealitians into a live feed mix that connects the realities of parealitians everywhere - directly through their touch sensitive iPhones. It's almost as if you were really living. It. Really living it.
- Timothy Slade
That's more like it.
SkyStormer: A cross-platform, dynamically scaling, user-generated flash sausage feed, mixing elements of gadgets, widgets, biscuits and Vanilla Ice, bringing dignity and digivity to the bebo-powered live journal folksonomy.
Description: Twitspace has developed a cutting-edge Ajax solution allowing users to synergise their online profiles with the latest microblogging services. This major innovation will drastically increase "bloguctivity" and has been pegged as "the next Google" by industry observers.
- Richard West
Fellas, they're both excellent. Do you need first round capital? We've got 50p left over from lunch.
Nono: ultimate privacy through peer lifestyle anonimization! Nono will create automatically a sufficient amount of personalized accounts and content on all available Web 2.0 services and create autonomous interaction between them using our recently patent-pending Artificial Communication Hive Ether (ACHE ™). You can have a deep interconnected existence no-one knows about, not even you. Future code pushes might include an fully Ajax driven dashboard can lets you witness the life you never took the trouble creating. Watch other people and companies browse, index, link and refer to your profiles, galleries and blogs and enjoy Total Anomity in the Process with Zero Real Participation!
Frederick Nietzsche has a start-up! Who knew?
Uranus-Hertz: You know those Eureka moments when you've found the perfect microwave setting for pop-tarts, or the correct blender speed for pineapple & cornflake smoothies, and you wish you could instantly post them to your very own blog? Well now you can, with 'Uranus-Hertz' – it plugs straight into your electrical appliance and at the push of a button, wirelessly transmits the settings to your PC and thence to your blog. Now you can easily share the correct ironing temperature for all your glam going-out gear!
- Darren M Winter
Sorry... can't tell you about it. It's that good. But we are offering you the privilege of investing.
- Simon Szykman
The Reg Vulture Capital guys will be on the horn ASAP, Simon.
VrTransIP& (N.B. pronounced VerTranZipAnd): Using state of the art voice recognition over IP and a database of over 5 million colloquialism's and dialect quirks, utilising VrTransIP&'s state of the art auto refining algorithms that refractor suggestions into prime and sub prime semiautonomous results allowing users instant 'Full media' inter county translations (UK and Northern Island only), VrTransIP& creates a seamless multi user, multi spatial, market driven environments for modern 'Technosavey' company development and sales.
- Chris Jones
We think you're going B2B, Chris, and we like it.
You:Ranus: Leveraging the radicalising power of synergistic and edgy concepts into a melange of neo-cultural hygienic endeavour, You:Ranus strives to challenge the existing paradigm of lavatorial cellulose-based cylindrical object-provision and replace it with a totally new and exciting zeitgeist of soft and fluffy tissue. Think W.C Boggs staggering drunkenly into YouTube in a dark alley and getting beaten up by Wikipedia on steroids: you're not just going for a number 2 anymore, this is Bogroll 2.0.
- Gareth Dart
Let's get real, people. Web 2.0's not just about cats. There's issues in the world it can help with...
Cuddlespace.com: Are you in the terror business? Are you in the counter terror business? Let's do business together - 24/7/365!
We're the networked provider of all terror-related solutions; whether your lifestyle is left or right, believer, infidel or just plain Dawkins; in a cave or in the Pentagon; we'll help you work with your opposition to make sure the terror just keeps running.
Want to overthrow the West, but don't know how? Click here. We have extensive contacts in the Home Office, FBI and CBeebies ready to dream up individualised terror scenarios - everything from death cats to extraterrestrial invasion.
Want to make the world a safer place for your shareholders? We can help. Our social network stretches from Central America to Central Asia by way of Northern Ireland. Whatever the time, whatever the budget; we'll find a threat that only you can stop!
Castor beans to full-blown nuclear megadeath scenario; aerial lasers to deathbots - think Cuddlespace.com - we're in it together.
- Mike Richards
Kibosh: Utilising the latest in cutting-edge high voltage gadget technology, Kibosh allows the rich virtual community to share their innovative lifestyle ideas and vote for the most popular, resulting in peer-generated long-distance democratic elimination based on group social standing (and who is sleeping with whose boyfriend). Consider it MySpace meets Sing-Sing.
Second Life Utopia Minus 2.0 (aka SLUM): SLUM 2.0 imagineers your Second Life experience into a stream of bandwidth efficient 3G mobile phone content in real time. Be in world and in world at the same time. Social networking in 2(.0) worlds at once!
- Richard Gilham
We'll put money on it that someone is doing tis right now, Richard. Quick, to the PowerBook, and get your code out first!
ParaVisuo: A truly organic web event that harnesses people’s choices to procedurally generate content and provide social driven visual answers to questions in a content rich fashion.
A search portal that cross references the most popular search terms with Youtube videos, biases them by their user ratings and displays brief, continuous, clips on the portal home page that can be dynamically rated by its users. The dynamic ratings will then be used to extract the most popular parts of each video and store them by category, this database of video extracts/categories will be used to combine clips/extracts to create a single video tied to your original search terms that reflects the internet’s socio-visual answer to your original question. This isn’t Web 2.0, it’s Web 2.02
- Dan Corwin
Defenestrator - A Web-based multi-hardware-platform operating system. Any internet-capable machine could conceivably perform a network boot to it.
- Sean Quilty
OzzMorphus - that same fun-crazed company who brought you "What Number am I thinking of? 3.0" and "DRMauh" are electrified to announce the next social networking phenomenon to hit the web by storm ... coming in 2008!
!PhukMee!Now! allows community members to easily and stealthily place and remove DLL and other system files among their network of 'My Homies'. Hilarity ensues as friends and family engage each other with surprise 'SneakPeak' file placements and leverage our patented 'SyncSwap' technologies to 'wipe, swipe and snipe' each other using our upgraded 'RaMmee'(C) architecture.
- Alan J Volkert
Squirrelian: A rich AJAX-powered platform for empowering on-the-street field bloggers to collaborate in real-time with stationed content sculptors in order to deliver engaging web experiences. Finally we can connect people who like to watch squirrels, people who study squirrel demographics, and people who want to be able to kill squirrels from the comfort of their own home via the webcam-enabled Squirrelinator pellet gun. It's Google Maps meets train spotting meets hunting!
- Byron Galbraith
Squirrelian at long last will solve the problem of invasive grey squirrels out-competing native red squirrels. Thank you, Byron.
PoodleDoo.com: Think a mash-up of Google Maps, Nextbus.com, and the K9 Almanac -- PoodleDoo is a one-stop-shop for plotting your pet's next crap. Simply plug in your address, pet demographics, date, and time of day and PoodleDoo will plot the most likely course to speed your canine's next dump and MMS the route to your Windows Mobile 6 enabled cell-phone. Leveraging a vast social network of pet owners, PoodleDoo overlays season, time, breed, and previously recommended crap routes (TM) to power a whole new paradigm for dump site identification.
- Ken Pulverman
Smegnation: Peel back the skin of wiki and remove unwanted meme. Ajax powered widgets eliminate social contamination risks in a Flash - targeting crowd-sourced peers and moving away from the folksonomy and monetistic paradigms of Web 1.0.
- Jesse Melton
We've just done a sick in our mouth, Jesse. That's totally emergent, congratulations!
The Register 2.0: A collaborative enviroment provoking intelligent thought through the powerful medium of IT news (and a small comments section). With this new social utility we aim inspire present and future citizens of our social environment, or as we like to call it, the sociovironment.
- Ben O'Connor
Points for creepiness, but lose points for peddling lies: IT news has no power.
As a memetype substrate congeals in hypernet, geopolitical force now initiates via real-time emotional interaction through video and the bandwidth of the bandwagon. The paradigm creation of intertwining RSS newsfeeds and social network loopback into multi-channel AI interpretation breaches the chasm between activism and opinion polling. Our product is Zig Ziglar meets Walter Winchell meets Zogby -- and everybody's dancing to our music. You say you want a revolution...Mesantonata!
- Phat Shantz
You're straying dangerously close to patented amanfromMars territory there, Phat (if, indeed, that is your real name...).
MyPain.com: Simply peer generated diagnosis and emergent treatments to produce medicine 3.0 ( after leaches and science). We allow users to hook up based on their symptoms allowing user-generated wiki style medical knowledge based on the wisdom of the masses. Natural communities will emerge around similar sets of symptoms changing the paradigm of health from top down to a dynamic empowered society.
- Gavin Jamie
Terrifyingly, we think that already exists as a real business several times over.
Mouse 2.0, the USB UPS. Reduce the carbon footprint of your total web presence by harnessing the power that drives men to spend countless hours* surfing for photos of Indonesian women in platform shoes sucking lemons.
- Rod Stewart
Kudos to John Benson, who's really got the hang of user-generated content, pausing from his own work to do ours for us with three whole entries on his own.
Wankapedia: A social networking site where anybody can post pictures, mp3s, and podcasts relating to the revolutionary Wankel rotary engine. Plans are to sustain a burn rate of $10 million per month divided evenly between executive perks and traditional media advertising until Wankel-powered vehicle banner ads put this .com into the black.
ePaper.com: A game-changing advertising concept in which users needing the odd scrap of paper just go to the ePaper.com site and click on a button which will cause their default printer to eject a single sheet of paper festooned on one side with advertising, leaving the other side blank for whatever the user wishes to write on it.
Pelts.com: Click on the "Gimme some skin!" button and Pelts.com will overnight you a styrofoam box with dry ice in which you can deposit your recently deceased pet for transport to Pelts.com and transformation into a beautiful pair of gloves. If there's not enough for two gloves, what there is will be sewed onto a tastefully appointed sock puppet for you to enjoy with the children. The use of recycled socks makes this a green enterprise. (Please specify "fur in" or "fur out".)
- John Benson
BablCuda (TM) (babble-cuda): A mash-up oriented, future-casting wikiverse, geared towards realizing the potential of the digital generation, by leveraging their collective folksonomies with engaging crowd-sourcing content creation. BablCuda (TM) will exercise targeted, rich Ajax webplications to monetise on the asymmetric nature of social networks. BableCuda (TM) - Fuel the future
ORNY? - A collaborative folksonomy allowing youngsters everywhere to mash up their filmed-by-a-cellphone quality pornography with users all around the globe. We represent the final step in exposing every minute detail of your life to strangers on the Internet, as long as they check the box labelling you a friend. We claim the honour of being the only Web 2.0 start-up that would vomit if we had Cory Doctorow as a user, and our logo is of course an owl who looks appropriately startled at the size of the pizza-boy's sausage.
Please deposit funds in my Nigerian bank account immediately. Yours truly,
- Felix C.
MyTubes: Like riding the roller coaster? You'll love MyTubes. Experience the freshest user-generated endoscopic content on your computer or mobile phone. Speed up the video at the touch of a button for that ultimate rush.
Live webcasts of actual examinations where MyTubians collaborate to direct the action. A simple jaunt up the sigmoid or all the way into the small intenstine? Each examination evolves through realtime polls - "Choose Your Own Adventure" was never like this.
Is my polyp sessile or pedunculated? Upload and tag your photos to score free medical advice from your peers. Why leave the house when the world can be your personal physician? Web 2.0 just got up close and personal.
We love it, but the name needs work. Mytubes.net already "design and manufacture a complete line of shell and tube and shell & coil heat exchangers for all liquid and steam applications".
Ajax powered Flash-mobile video widget - anywhere! Monitor your kids from your mobile device - anywhere! Think GoogleMaps mashed with Slingbox - anywhere!
Massively Online user-driven virtual social network. Patented "bully-o-matic meme" attracts like minded peers. Denial Of Service on someone's REAL LIFE!
FlashCrowd 2.0 a.k.a. Permanent Floating Riot Club:
User generated meme attracts visitors to your events. Wireless cloud technology meets agile GPS paradigm. Targeted Media Seeders / Paparazzi engagement.
I had a different idea for FlashCrowd, but then realised that it was actually a good idea!
- James Summerson
For not sharing with your peers James, you lose.
whotube: Deploy a revolutionary web of mobile rabbit-ear equipped gpods between 20 and 50 light years from Earth to capture and digitize missing Doctor Who video content. Deliver using VM/MVT based web hybrids, monetized by alien malware encrusted adware. Think O'Reilly/Davros mashup.
- William Roberts
MyCongr.com, the site where US government meets Ebay. Politicians post the bills/ideas they are pushing in the House and the public can "encourage" their yeah/nay vote by sending them "corrispondence". There is the "bribe it now" button for those who have deep pockets.
- Reuben Brown
StalkerEarth: by leveraging cross-referenced content from across the websphere, stalk anyone on earth from one handy portal! Discover what underwear she buys! Be alerted when her mobile connects to a network! Listen to the conversations!
ContentMaven: Type in your interests - our powerful, unique search engine will bombard you unceasingly with multimedia content from the minute you log on to the day you log off! Adapts and refines content provided to match your *exact* pecadilloes through our patented 'neural network' system of live learning! You need *never* view disagreeable content again! Porn-free!
Blogger: write tedious, self-obsessed and self-indulgent shyte and have it read by no one, except Guardian reviewers! (Oh wait - this one's already been done.)
- Craig Weldon
You're mean Craig. There's no place in our metaverse for meanies.
WitchFindr: a flaming torch lighting the way to child protection 2.0. We aggregate the collective wisdom of our Citizen-Inquisitors who upload and vote on pictures of someone if, "they always thought he looked a bit funny". Then, our Twitter-like widget reduces the time from meme to meetup, allowing for the swift delivery of flashmob justice.
Shine-2.0-La: a crowd-sourced tool that leverages AJAX and UGC to solve the 'shit or shoe polish?' question. A mashup of data from two sources - the polish makers' websites are the reference point, while the user-generated content is shit.
- Shaun Rolph
You could have been a contender Shaun, you really could. But a high level investigation of El Reg's archives reveals someone of your name wrote this unfounded assassination of Second Life's bullet-proof business model. You are therefore summarily disqualified.
Honorable mention to Tim Kemp. We hope you're reading, Jack Straw.
WiRule really IS a revolution! It's nothing less than a fully open source, collaborative system of national government. It's not Web 2.0 - it's World 2.0. The constitution and book of laws are a wiki, freely editable by all, while justice is served via the Facebook applications "Am I Guilty Or Not?" and "SentenceMe!" Tax and revenue generation will be handled through advertising or something. Finally, don't forget the military: with WiRule, All your base are belong to nobody, because we licensed them under creative commons.
- Tim Kemp
And so the winner of a $50,000 sub-prime mortgage, some concrete boots and the Jemima Kiss of Death Statuette is...
Guttergroove: the happening new site for bag-ladies, tramps, pikeys and panhandlers every where. Interactive group bin rummaging, dis-hygiene tips and vomiting master-classes are just some of the exciting opportunities for all you homeless wasters. The highlight of our enterprise is a global network of giant screens in the centre of major cities where you can shout vulgarities, borrow a fiver for a cup of tea and frighten small children without leaving the comfort of your cardboard-box nest.
Guttergroove has the lot. If this were pure web 2.0 we would have crowd-sourced the result, but it's not, it's a dictatorship. Any would-be whingers are reminded that one of the keystones of the new web is hypocrisy. Just ask Google's privacy chief. You can cast a meaningless vote in the comments section if you want, we suppose.
Congratulations to Marco and thanks to everyone who took part, seriously. We've all just learned about excellent new companies that are going to change the world.
If you can't see your entry here, that's because we're having our legal vultures patent your idea while the tech team cobbles the beta together for the IPO. If anyone wants us this weekend we'll be aboard the Reg party zeppelin somewhere in international airspace with Sergei and Larry, Jobso, Zuckerberg, and the Olsen twins.
Sometimes in these heady days we think we're going mad and have a recurring nightmare where Steve Ballmer throws a chair at us from the Google jet, which explodes into golden stardust. We don't know what it means but this competion was our therapists' idea, and since we read your entries we sleep like a baby...we wake up every 15 minutes screaming.
It's been emergent. ®