Comments We begin the weekly comments mishmash with a close look at fish sperm. Apparently there are many, many salmon farmers sitting around wondering what to do with all those gallons of salmon spunk they don't need. So to forestall them getting any bright ideas, a top light-emitting-diode boffin has announced plans to use it for a more efficient LED. The DNA in the salmon semen apparently traps electrons for longer than standard materials, leading to a brighter, longer-lasting LED. Naturally though, you identified the important issue: the spunk.

given the content of the article (well done, BTW), must Mr. Page get his OWN coat?

Kevin Campbell

Here at Vulture Central there's an endless parade of hacks shame-facedly grabbing coats, leaving and immediately re-entering and hanging their coats back up. We're thinking of installing a revolving door and a similarly motile coat stand. And maybe some of those floor panels what generate 'leccy.

Given that declines in fish fertility have been traced to the pseudo-oestrogens in modern plastics it is a little ironic that we'll soon be using their sperm in new plastics. What are possible effects of disposing of worn-out cream-screens?

Charlie Clark

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Imagine a power surge like from Monsters Inc. when the new Playboy issues are released; or at least a slight power increase one week out of the month.

Anon

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They're going to be making money hand-over-fist...

Anon

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Two tired out salmon pause in a pool halfway up the waterfalls, and one says to the other; "Why don't we just stop here and have a wank?"

The wax jacket, thanks, it's Autumn y'know..

Sam

Very good, but I'm afraid I must point out that every time a salmon has that revelation, its bloodline immediately dies out. That'll be why there are no advanced societies of salmon, if only the dumb ones breed. Unless of course their lack of fingers means they can't self-administer in the first place...

Cue new industry for teenage boys. Popularity of paper routes plummets

Jason

A Venezuelan car crash victim, previously pronounced dead, awoke as medical staff began to perform an autopsy on him. The "excruciating pain" of being set about the face with a scalpel was sufficient to bring him back from the world of the apparently-dead. You wondered what the poor doctors thought:

We need to know if there are autopsies planned on the medical examiners who 'woke him up' or if they just needed to go home and change their underwear.

Darryl Stein

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He wasn't auditioning for a part in Heroes was he? The lovely Claire Bennett played a similar trick, but at least she waited until the medics were out of the room

Alan Gregson

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Oi'm Not Dead!

*BAM*

Yes, ye are...

Anon

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Actually, they did the first cut, noticed that the dud was bleeding (and thus, still alive) so they started stitching the cut quickly. Without anesthesia.

Sh*t. *I* would wake up if someone were doing that on my face. Anyway, the guy was cataleptic, only a truly trained doctor would have known he was alive... there have been dudes who have been *buried alive* because of this. Ow.

Somehow that "Abra Cadaver" episode from the Twilight Zone came to my mind ... now I won't be able to sleep tonight... *shrug*

Anon

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I wonder if his health insurance covers him after being declared dead? Or for that matter, can his family pinch all his stuff left to them in his will?

Andrew

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I Aten't Dead!

Jason Togneri

But I could be watching you from any pair of eyes...

Curious people are being warned not to visit the site of a suspected meteorite strike in the Peruvian Andes after 600 people suffered "headaches, vomiting and nausea". The unidentified no-longer-flying object began to emit "fetid, noxious gases", which are thought to have been the cause of these adverse symptoms. You speculated on the true identity of the meteorite:

A "meteor" strike, a pit and a noxious gas felling animals and people - just wait until that "meteor" unscrews and the tripod death machines and heat ray come into action...

Jon Tocker

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Now we know what happened to that nuclear powered refrigerator they chucked out of the space station a couple months ago.

Michael Golden

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"just wait until that "meteor" unscrews and the tripod death machines and heat ray come into action..."

Or perhaps the Peruvian authorities will find that this meteorite is filled with dessicated Martian insects, at which point the people of Peru will break into two factions - one psychic, the other not - and there will be a catastrophe that can only be solved with a big crane.

Ashley Pomeroy

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..."Yuri, how many times do I have to tell you goddamit....DON'T flush the Space Station toilet unless you can see the sea beneath us!" .....remember the memory aid?....No See Sea, no Pee Pee...

Anon

The architects have arrived at Mission Control and the BOFH and PFY have been blindsided by management over cable installation in an office renovation. Cue many rants from BOFHs and proto-BOFHs among you who've had similar problems:

Talking of office moves... The most recent brainwave of my management is that the customer service, scheduling and technical functions all need to be separated to operate together more efficiently!

My Customer Service team is moving to Milton Keynes, UK and my Scheduling function is moving to another building!!

I, personally,, think that management should NOT be given direct/indirect access to planning materials as a matter of course, 'cos as soon as they get involved in an office movement, EVERYTHING WILL turn to custard!

On a personal note, I am looking to get out of here anyway, but it's going to be fun watching the operation go through it's death-throws whilst I am here!

Looks like my management actually DO care about there staff - They cared enough to move them to nice surrounding (at a cost to the business in man-power, support, and logistics, of course!!!)

Michael Born

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This is what my working life is like almost every day. No matter how many times I tell the Property Services people to get me involved when they first think about these projects I still get a call when they're ready to start shlapping paint on the walls.

Anon

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We had a renovation here recently, and all talk of floorboxes was shitcanned in favour of having cables run through grommets in the raised flooring to (I'm not quite sure I can say this without weeping) hoeizontally mounted surface mount boxes screwed into the underlying concrete. Because it looked nicer. It doesn't, actually, it looks like shit and is a pigging nightmare to work with. That's before I get onto the cabling modules that are bolted to the desks and equipped with the crappiest, cheapest Cat5 and 25mm fuses that the fitting company selected by our architects could get hold of.

Anon

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As for the office moves, it's plainly the responsibility of senior management to avoid every single opportunity to involve ICT staff until the management, sparkies and architects have finished making arbitrary decisions about where people are going to work and where the structured cabling should go.

I mean, God forbid that someone put a floor point somewhere logical and / or sensible. For example; actually NEAR a workstation - someone might run over it with their wheelie chair, and break something (hopefully the CEO and his neck as he rattles down the stairwell, negotiating several tight turns while duct-taped to his chair. That's the kind of pleasant thought that keeps you warm at night.)

Andrew Macrobie

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Here's how bad it can get.. I USED to work for a private school, you know, the sort where the teachers are supposed to be a cut above the rest etc.. chunks of money to throw about etc...

They decided that as part of one of their 'Facelifts' of the site (A pretty, Big glass Atrium - that I've since heard leaks like a seive) that as there were more computers on the other side of the road, they.d move the server room over there.

Nice idea (Hah) The first thing that happenned (and this was just the groundwork) is that they managed to sever the fibre connection to the English Block, which they weren't even supposed to be anywhere near!

Next. Area set aside for IT on top floor of new 'Atrium' building - quite generous, space from that taken by 'Director of IT's office - Most of it - leaving the server room smaller than it currently was and with the only access through her office!

Finally (in her words) "The architects know what they are doing!" (This was when we questionned why there was only two cables running to the new server room, both 20 pair phone cables - No cat5, No Fibre)

... and some people wonder why I got out of there as quick as I could?

Anon

I wish that sort of thing happened around here. It'd give us a fine excuse to push off to the pub. Ah, who needs an excuse anyway? Now seems like as good a time as any. Cheers all. Have a good weekend. ®