Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/09/14/comments/

Tech gets steamier with mp3 vibrators and strap-on kit

And idiots break themselves against martial artists

By Robin Lettice

Posted in Letters, 14th September 2007 18:39 GMT

Comments An armed robber, evidently going for the soft targets, attempted to hold up a karate school in the Columbian town of Bucaramanga. For his pains he received a dis-arming and further pain when the students "put their knowledge to use". A bit of practical experience probably did them some good, although the robber might have preferred to avoid it.

"This is a hold-up, put the money in the bag karate boy and be quick about it. Chop Chop."

Anon


Would he have had a better chance if he was a ninja or a Shaolin monk? The world needs to know.

But leave the pirates out of it.

Ian Ferguson


Forget the IT angle, what's the Paris Hilton angle? Enquiring minds need to know!

Kane


According to popular rumour, 90 degrees from the horizontal.

+/- for variation

miika


My grandfather worked for Hoover at the FBI. One of Hoover's policies was this: If you were a minute late from lunch, your vacation was docked accordingly. Therefore, when the FBI agents were paid on Fridays, they would skip lunch and run down to the local bank to deposit/cash their paycheck during lunch.

One day, my grandfather was at the bank doing the Friday check cashing routine with many of his coworkers. Unbelievably, a man stepped up to the window and pulled a gun on the teller. Needless to say, he didn't have a chance what with a lobby full of armed FBI agents.

Talk about not scouting out the premises beforehand.....

Anon

That might have come as a bit of a shock to the poor bloke, although it's bound to be nicer to be able to surrender before your kidneys get kicked through your ears.


In further idiot-attacks-martial-artist news, a German skinhead rather unwisely attempted to steal a packet of fags from a judo master. The victim, despite being blind, handily duffed up and restrained the ne'er-do-well until the police arrived.

But the question is how would a blind judo master do against a blind ninja? Or a blind Shaolin monk?

Adrian Jones


In the words of Austin Powers: "Judo ... CHOP!"

Mark Roome


How's he gonna make this sound cool in pokey?

"What're ya in for, mate?"

"Attempted robbery"

"Where'd ya get the bruises?"

"Got beat stupid by a blind man..."

laird cummings

He was beaten up by a judo master. He doesn't have to mention the blindness.


My old Jiu-Jitsu instructor got chased up a narrow blind alley by a national front march for shouting something inappropriate. By the time the police got to him he had broken several arms, legs and heads and was happily laying into the remaining skinheads with gay (literally) abandon.

The police arrested him and carted him off to the police station, but then were good enough to explain that it was only because they couldn't get a couple of hundred skinheads into two panda cars and let him of with a tsk, tsk, please don't do it again.

Andy


Some years ago a good and much older buddy of mine (seventy odd at the time) once found himself in a similar situation to Herr Esser. Before anyone else had managed to register that a hazardous situation was about to occur, the tables were turned. The skinhead vermin concerned found himself swiftly subdued by my old drinking buddy (who just happened to have been a royal marine commando who survived things like the Naarvik campaign), who proceeded to offer him (held in a neck lock) around the boozer for "free digs" (no takers - fortunately for all concerned), before the attempted yob was given a good old fashioned kick up the backside and left sprawling outside the pub. The story passed into pub legend, and my bootnecked buddy went peacefully into the afterlife some years later.

Don't you just love it when the good guys come out on top.

Anon


I referred this to my former-judo champion now wheelchair bound father who informed me that in his day the 80something head of the British Judo Council was set upon by four thugs who learned to regret their decision.

Some things don't change.

Mycho

It turns out that Bulgarian airbags are not bee-proof. A Taiwanese woman was riding her motorbike while wearing a low-cut dress, when a bee kamikazed her right breast implant. The fun-bag proceeded to disappear over the course of two days, but has since been replaced. You got straight to the meat of the issue:

It's always nice to be kept abreast of recent developments, i predict "apine proof" bulgarian air bags on the market forthwith.

Edward Fingleton


Not sure I'm buying the whole "put the incident down to the fact that she was “very skinny” which meant the skin on her breasts was therefore very thin and prone to puncturing"

The Skin (even on thin people) is a few mm thick and the container would also be quite thick too so I doubting that a bee sting would be up to the job. Perhaps a Queen Wasp or Hornett.

What also needs to be taken in to consideration is the internal PSI of the breast plumper.

Sounds like it was a bit of a dodgy installation I hope she got a free replacement/ upgrade.

Anon


Whre are the goddamn pictures ?!?! Another Bulgarian air bag story with no salacious images. WTF ????

Steve


I was going to question the relevance of this story being here, but for the bee to have done what it did there must have been a point to it after all.

I'd get me coat, but there's a queue at the cloakroom.....

TeeCee


No-one seems too concerned about the fate of the poor old insect. Presumably he got mashed by the motorcycling mammaries? What a way to go.

Anon


A highly ironic refund is no doubt due; surely the whole *point* of getting Bulgarian airbags is that you're fed up with your bee stings in the first place?

/coat

Anon


We recently covered the Defence Systems & Equipment International Exhibition 2007, and one gem that really caught your fancy was the strap-on stealth jetplane. It's no flying car, but it definitely looks like a fun ride. You thought so too:

Please sir... can I have one.... with the added rocket booster packs, sir!?!

i wan' it, I wan' it I waaaaaaaaan' it!!

Absolutely, positively serious offer to be a human guinea pig (test pilot) for the Rocko-Gryphon(tm - by me, thanks) - Only compensation required woud be 2 of said Rocko-Gryphon(tm) and a life time supply of disposible rockets... a fair deal all round I think.

Nathan Billett


Aw c'mon. Us poor paraglider types got enough to put up with wings that can collapse, people strapping lawn mower engines to their backs, mad beggers tying balloons to their chairs... and now some loon wants to drive a stealthed mini-jet through the sky?

I hope he's read the Air Navigation Order - if he's got power, *he* has to give way to *us*.

Yours watching the sky even harder,

Neil


As detectable as a bird. Everyone always says that about stealth fighters and the like:

A) Unless radars are operating as enormous power levels, and microwave frequencies (hot dogs anyone?), how is a non-metalic thin cloth parachute visible at all?

B) Do birds often fly at 30k ft or several hundred kts? If the radars can detect them at all, shouldn't those charateristics be enough to flag them?

Brent Gardner


Let me see... it barely appears on radar, can follow terrain in ground-hugging mode, and is about six feet long. How long before some poor beta tester is picked off by automatic anti-missile defences, like wot the Americans are always proposing...?

Ian Ferguson


[I call] prior art. I believe batman came up with that idea first.

Anon.

Bored with your current play list? Wishing your iPod was more phallic in form and perhaps vibrated a bit as well? Well, look no further than Bergen the German Mountain Man (who loves your thighs) and the Talking Head mp3 vibrator. Costing in at just $99.95 plus shipping, this will undoubtedly have you trembling and moaning along to your favourite tunes and Bergen's masculine tones. Order now!

Thigh-pod? Wonder if it sounds muffled?

Charles


Given the voice record and playback features, replace your worn out analogue tape machine with one. Whether or not your secretary returns it to you after transcribing your dictation remains to be seen

Anon


Hate to disappoint the Hackettes, but Bergen the German says, "Spread your Thighs, I love your thighs, I kiss your thighs...." In a voice which I can only describe as: The bloke on the Tax Office Helpline meets Johnny Bravo. If that turns women on, I must have missed something along the way. I'll ask the Girlfriend tonight for a second opinion but I hope she doesn't find it erotic, cos' I couldn't repeat it without laughing loudly, which tends to spoil the moment for all involved.

Ian


Sure for the (non- PC?) PC enthusiasts it's certainly a niche in the market though.

Now unfreeze me when they develop the fully interactive holodeck will yah, cus everything else before that is just mucking about.

Daniel Winstone


If I remember correctly this is not the first MP3 Vibrator to be featured here. I expect The Register to be just as thorough as it is with all it's other IT gadget articles and post a review and comparison for all similar devices.

The categories should be wide ranging such as:

-Playback Quality/Audio Fidelity (both during use and just as a MP3 Player)

-High and low band frequency chart (like speaker EQ, does it vibrate more/stronger with bass or treble? Does it have a harmonic?)

-Software compatibility (both computer and, um... ergonomic)

-Hardware compatibility (does it work with an IPod?)

-Functional Quality (Is it good? Maybe a Time To Org [T.T.O.] benchmark)

Anyone else have ideas?

Norman Wanzer


i see they come in pink. So who said 'Women say no to pink tech toys' then ?

Anon

Well, here at Vulture Central the female island is heavily fortified with pink desk lamps, computers, mobile handsets and tasers. Naturally however the rest of the office is a veritable bastion of masculinity, with dirty clothes hanging on every available prominence, powerful belches reverberating out across the deskscape and half-eaten sandwiches going untamed for weeks.

And now back to the incessant trench warfare (and chemical when the ladies use the dreaded air freshener). ®