Comments Monks at the Shaolin Temple in China, highly incensed by an assertion by a Japanese internet user that a single ninja had once laid the smackdown on their greatest, have deployed a fearsome warrior lawyer (presumably trained to an equally high standard in both law and arse-kicking). They have demanded that the internet user "apologise to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did". We suggested a pay-per-view "Battle of the Titans" between the kung-fu monks and Japan's top ninjas. This is a match made in Heaven for the many thousands of you who daily debate the merits of the two sides, even if it does lack pirates.

Holy crap... Japans top ninja's vs Chinas Shaolin Monks WWF style melee'. It would be like reality mortal combat. Id would pay good money to see that. Someone set it up.

David

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More importantly, what has Chuck Norris got to say about all this?

Anon

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Erm..... I thought they were meant to spend their time practicing, meditating, eating rice and making badly dubbed movies... as well as other monkish stuff... not trolling internet forums looking for ninja wannabies to start fights with

M

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I'm not normally one for violence, nor for pay-per-view TV events (who the hell needs it these days when you have youtube and various other methods of getting things without paying? *winks*) but for an event like this I would quite happily shell out anything up to 50 quid to watch!

So many television programs try to depict people defending their honour or families honour but because naturally its on television you always take it with a pinch of salt even if it says its reality TV, but I feel a televised event like this hits the nail on the head for both entertainment and standing up for ones beliefs.

Although we try to move past it, violence and anger is in our nature, I say give people a legal way to settle their differences that can't be settled with words with nothing but their own person in a controlled environment. No guns, no weapons period, just what you were born with, THAT is honourable fighting, not being a coward by stabbing or shooting someone.

Jason "Foxdie" Gaunt

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Pirates could kick all their asses!

Niall

Arrrr, Niall.

In a separate bout of Chinese lunacy, the PRC Government has banned reincarnating without first obtaining permission from an authority. Is China attempting to manipulate the succession of the Dalai Lama? No, it's clearly an extension of the one-child-per-family population control measures:

I think the analysis is wrong: they will use it as a trial for a new form of birth control. Stated simply:

- every foetus must apply (in triplicate) for a permit to be born, and

- appear (in person of course) before a committee to motivate his application, following which

- a nine month consulting period is imposed before reaching a final decision

If this is implemented with the ruthlessness only China and some other favoured trading nations of the US manage to do, it will put a stop to the population explosion instantly

Howzat?

Michael H.F. Wilkinson

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The point is: New Dalai Lama shows up? Throw 'em in jail for reincarnating without a license.

Joe Cooper

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The origins of re-incarnation in Tibetan budhism lies in a regal decree that land left without an heir after the death of the legitimate owner became crown property. This meant that the monastaries, nominally owned by the senior monk in residence, would be lost to the crown on his death. naturally the position, 'he's gone but he is coming back' neatly avoids such a consequence. Thus is could be seen that re-incarnation in Tibetan Budhism is an early form of tax avoidance planning.

Jack Adams

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Shouldn't they say you can only reincarnate five times under the terms of the license? Isn't that what passes for "fair use" or somesuch these days?

Seriously, though, I'd like to see what passes for evidence in a Chinese court if they declare someone has reincarnated without permission. I assume it's going to be a lot of talk. Maybe even some of that logic I hear so much about.

Eugene Goodrich

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What about the rest of us? Do we all need to get permits from the Chinese Gov incase Buddists are right. Any one of us could happen to be reborn in China, or dose it only apply to people Currently living in China. What about if they are planing reincarnation outside of China?

Also, how dose this affect Mail readers? Is reincarnation actualy a plan to sneek more imigrants in to the UK :-)

Anon

One of America's oldest grocers has filed suit against a pair of rappers for "false and disparaging statements and depictions" of the company and its products. The duo produced a rap video in one of A&P's stores that featured them licking and urinating on vegetables. "At least one customer" was shocked and appalled, leading the company to sue for $1m. An appropriate figure, no doubt, though not all of you agreed:

surely if two students could afford to pay a $1million lawsuit they would not be working in a grocery store!

the video supplies its own evidence: its obvious he doesn't actually lick the produce, nor really pee on the veg, the logo is so blurry even when told its A&P logo you are hard pressed to make it out, and the store could be anywhere with no obvious signage. there are actually more details on their website, including how the store manager let them film there.

regardless of the outcome the real winners, once again, will be the lawyers, laughing all the way to the bank.

Anon

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The next Beastie Boys? White, middle-class.. Are they jewish too?

Simon

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Big deal. The food industry employs a lot of teenagers.

Teenage boys will always find disgusting things to do with food.

Life Tip # 36: Never eat food prepared by teenagers or prisoners.

Anon

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before i watched the video i would have thought it was just another corporation bullying them, but afterwards i think A&P are right for suing them.

Check their video at 00:39 that guy is not peeing, he is masturbating and spraying the merchandise with seminal liquid.

Yuck, would any of you buy or eat those afterwards ??

Anon

Gives new meaning to the phrase "up-and-coming rap artists".

Salad tossers. If A&P's customers are so clueless they can't tell reality from a hype video does A&P really want them in their shop?

If I were the shop owner gaining all the exposure for free I'd be slappin the rappin on in store screens to enforce brand recognition - and slappin the rappers for not having done it sooner (that is of course after a deal on royalties).

A&P, go "Beet yourselves off" in a back room somewhere and while you're at it grow up and smell the veg....

Dave

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A&P have missed a trick here. Whilst I would not go so far as to call the rap "good", it is nonetheless quite endearing and entirely positive about the quality of the produce in the store and sends a valuable message to kids to eat their greens. They should have used this as a marketing ploy... rewrite some of the stuff, remove the mexicans / bitch / nasty shit stuff, slap a couple of disclaimers on it ("At no point were any produce defecated on..") pay these oiks a couple Gs each and hey presto, you've got a down-with-the-kids advertising campaign.

Matt Thornton

Several readers questioned the accuracy of our claim that the red giant Mira was moving at about 150,000 times the speed of the average sheep, so we launched into a long-overdue and full-blown review of the official Vulture Central set of standards for weights and measures. With such logical and obvious measures as the grapefruit, the brontosaurus and the milliWales, it quickly found your favour.

One criticism: which "trillion" are we referring to for number of Brontosaurus' (Brontosauri?)?

Personally, I use "million", "billion", and "trillion" to read "mono", "bi", and "tri" respectively. Hence, "1e6", "1e12", and "1e18" (also called long-scale); however, the media have a distressing tendency to take the USA short-scale usage and use "1e6", "1e9", "1e12"...

Just need to make sure that I am quoting the length across the known universe accurately.

Ian Yates

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I never knew that Verity Stob was in fact Lester and Lucy!

Robert Ramsay

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But surely the Brontosaurus can't be an acceptable unit of measurement since Brontosauruses-es-es no longer exist and have been redesignated as Apatasaurii-ii-ii.

Anon

Oh dear, you're right. We'll also no longer be able to measure things in eohippi! We'll get the standards department on this right away.

I have asked my employees to start utilizing these measurement standards as part of their daily reporting duties. I downloaded the text of the article and wrote a quick P&P, with proper credit given of course!

Only one of them questioned my motives... so sad, but so funny.

Thank you for making my day MUCH more entertaining.

Josh Hamilton

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Which hostelry do you frequent? I want some of that loopy soup!

Atilla the Hun (No relation)

Everyone's favourite nutty ex-astronaut is back in the news, having apologised to her erstwhile rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut "for having frightened her in any way". Lisa Nowak may be preparing a defense of temporary insanity for her upcoming trial over her alleged 11,600-brontosaurus, nappy-clad cross-country assault attempt. You questioned her preparations, drooled (bizarrely) over her mug shot and practised your songwriting skills:

What self respecting American goes on a cross country kidnapping/murder attempt & doesn't use a gun? Oh course she's crazy judge, just give her probation & call it a day.

David Blair

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If this isn't classed as "Conduct unbecoming of an officer" then I'm going to join NASA and spend the entire time absolutely plastered, dressed up in a space suit, shouting incomprehensible gibberish at passers by, all the while pointing up at the sky with a frightened look on my face.

And I'll do it all with complete impunity damnit!

Edward Pearson

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Edward, I have the feeling that your plan might not be bonkers enough. You might have to say "Wibble" now and then with a pair of pants on your head and two pencils up your noise. Then you might just get away with it.

Robert McCracken

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Who cares if she's crazy and in a poopy diaper, I'd still do her!

henry castro

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Asked a girl what she wanted to be

She said baby, can't you see

I wanna get even, and be real happy

I’m driving down to Florida wear’n a nappy.

Baby I wont wipe my ass

When I have to stop for gas

Baby I wont wipe my ass

And maybe I'll love you

I told the judge that my butt is real sore

He said baby, its from what you wore

Driving to Orlando is all very OK

But you should have stopped and gone Pott-a

Baby I wont wipe my ass

When I have to stop for gas

Baby I wont wipe my ass

And maybe I'll love you

Poop Poop'm Poop Poop yeah

Baby I wont wipe my ass

When I have to stop for gas

Baby I wont wipe my ass

And maybe I'll love you

I told that girl to get out of her car

When she said listen babe stay back real far

I got no lover and it's breaking my heart

But I'm wearing diapers and I got to fart

Baby I wont wipe my ass

When I have to stop for gas

Baby I wont wipe my ass

And maybe I'll love you

Poop Poop'm Poop Poop yeah

Poop Poop'm Poop Poop yeah

Poop Poop'm Poop Poop yeah

Poop Poop'm Poop Poop yeah

Poop Poop'm Poop Poop yeah

Patrick McKee

Catchy. But please stop. You'll have us all singing it down at the boozer in five minutes. ®