Comments Bad things have been happening to the male anatomy this week, with torchings and glueings being sustained. Well-known extensions (cars and guns) get a fair mention too. We begin with a sticky situation.

Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf (that noted performer) has attached himself by the danglies to a vacuum cleaner. The DIY gluing mishap landed the poor fellow in A&E. At least one of you was reminded of juvenile experimentation:

As every schoolboy knows (ahem), you simply set the thing to Blow instead of Suck.

I hope he got his bag emptied while he was at it !

lansalot

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It was embarrassing in front of "a packed A&E", does that imply his stage show plays to a smaller audience than you find in casualty?

Or is dicking the Dyson somehow less cringeworthy in front of a paying crowd?

Dogbyte

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Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to A&E we go

Anon

Posted anonymously? Fearing retribution from the differently-tall, perhaps?

Do the Shake-n-Vac and put your manhood back!

No wonder the Shake-n-Vac woman always looks so happy! (and all these years I though it was valium...)

Good job it wasn't a Ewbank, can you imagine the damage the brushes would have done!

Tawakalna

A high-flying tycoon in the field of jet-setting found himself "too busy" to collect his £80k Maserati Cambiocorsa from a London car pound, and has run up £5k worth of congestion and parking fines. Those of you with less money than you'd like were a little miffed:

To paraphrase a line from Friends: "Oh, i don't have time to get my Maserati from the impound, my wallet's too small for my 50s and my diamond shoes are too tight..."

Anon

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Its cheaper to be towed than park! Should I ever have to go to that cess pool again I will drive straight to the pound and leave my car there

Tom

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They should have SAID they crushed it. Then enjoyed their new garage-car! It reminds me of the Ferrari in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off".

Murray Pearson

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Frankly, its a missed opportunity, instances of supercars being parked illegally probably would have plumeted drastically, if a Youtube video had appeared of a Maseratti being crushed by TFL.

bobbles31

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So now any one with a nice expensive car and or no tax, gets 3 months of cheap parking when towed.

TFL should have crushed the car like any other, and then inform the chap his cube is ready to be collected.

At the very least TFL missed out on a nice earner from the auction.

Annoyed tax payer.

Emo

In yet more penis-related news, a Russian man who decided to watch TV in the buff angered his ex-wife sufficiently for her to torch his personal effects. He described the ordeal as "monstrously painful" and it is unsure whether he'll make a full recovery. Cue the jokes, and a plot for revenge:

I guess next time he'll take her seriously when she yells, "I swear to God, Vladimir, put that thing away or I'll set it on fire!"

David Wiernicki

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A song springs to mind. "Come on baby light my fire"

OUCH!!!!!

Robert McCracken

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If it was in Oz you could have had "woman chucks another shrimp on the barbie".

I'll get me coat.

Lloyd

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There are many over-the-counter products that can be surreptitiously applied to certain women's undergarments that cover certain parts of a woman's anatomy that will induce (over a short time) an overwhelming desire to remove such undergarments immediately. In great haste. No matter the current company.

While not physically scarring like fire on a "stick", the target of revenge being stuck on an airliner or some other suitably confined space and being forced to disrobe in public because her nether regions were on fire.....Priceless.

Men rule the world for a reason.

Tony

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Another song springs to mind: "My Old Flame"

Far more appropriate, as three years on she's still carrying a torch for him. How romantic ^^

igmc

Rose

Fun-loving gunslingers have been blamed for the destruction of a stretch of fibre-optic cable in Ohio, causing TeliaSonera to lose the northern branch of its US network. The company had it coming, apparently:

So? On the 4th of July it's every American's right to blow up part of his country with recreational explosives. That should take even more of the interweb down!

Tawakalna

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You Might Be a Red-Neck Nerd If:

You release your networking irritations by takin' out the shotgun and shooting the cable wires.

Jaden Kale

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Calling a network 'bullet proof' is an irresistable challenge to certain categories of yahoo...

laird cummings

The results are in, and Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen have netted the 'most unconvincing on-screen chemistry' title. Their performance in Attack of the Clones failed to have you sighing in your seats. The film buffs among you subjected the list to much discussion:

Entrapment. Although Connery can still walk unaided, surely he is still within (the lower end of) her target age range?

Perfectly believable :P

Anon

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The inclusion of Eyes Wide Shut is particularly significant because Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were actually married at the time. I guess signs of a divorce were already showing! I haven't seen it, mind you.

Anon

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Only first? I would have imagined that Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen should secured at least the top three slots. I personally thought it was that bad.

DZ-Jay

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Personally I found her love-interest more believable in Leon. But maybe we shouldn't go there.

Colin Jackson

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Let's break it down:

1. Hayden Christensen = can't act

2. Ben Affleck = can't act and Jennifer Lopez = can't act

3. Orlando Bloom = can't act

4. Madonna = can't act

5. Catherine Zeta Jones = can't act and Sean Connery = can act but only 1 character in different forms.

6. Hugh Grant = bloody irritating and Andie MacDowell = can't act

7. Ben Affleck = can't act

8. Tom Cruise = can't act

Lloyd

Come now, Lloyd. If being able to act was a requirement to be an actor there'd hardly be any left. Hang on, maybe it's not such a bad idea after all. Similarly, perhaps being able to write should be necessary to be a journalist.

...I'd better shut up before I put myself out of a job. ®