Yahoo!'s pink liberation army a threat to America's youth
I'm not gay. Thanks for not asking
And Ninthly Stunted by the eclipse of justice, Little Johnny Walker made his way over to the piano. He played a sad tune. One full of preambles, bees and summer vegetables. It made the women of the night cry, and the men of strong moral fiber tense. Jesus breathed easier that night. We all did. A Butter Dish for Beelzebub by Julio Stantore
Being gay seemed to help a stern Martina Navratilova beat up on prissy Chrissy Evert. It also seems to have helped Tom Cruise bag a pair of beautiful babes. But I'm not sure that full, frontal flaming will help Yahoo! solve Google.
You see, Yahoo! has morphed into a sort of homosexual honey pot.
For example, the portal - how old fashioned - this week informed users that someone named Perez Hilton - a chipper chap with pink hair - wondered if "closeted celebrities have a right to privacy?" The query appeared as part of the Yahoo! Asks section that often pops up near the top of yahoo.com.
In all honesty, I had no idea how to answer this question, since I didn't even understand it. Were other celebrities suffering from the same "trapped in a closet" syndrome as R. Kelly? Have closets become the new hideaway for the jet set?
The Perez Honey Pot
As it turns out - and you'll want to pay attention here - coming out of the closet refers to revealing that you're full of gaiety. Sweet Jesus, did Yahoo ever make that clear, as I clicked to find out what Hilton thinks about the matter. I discovered links to Flickr photo sets documenting gay pride festivals, a gay club mix from Yahoo! music, gay clothes for my gay avatar, a gay personals section and gay non-profits that I can donate to. You know, if I wanted to go to hell.
Maybe I'm being bombarded with this gayness because I happen to live in the gay bunker section of Nevada. It's an unfortunate turn of events. But, look, I was here first.
So, is my gay IP address responsible for this mess? Are people in North Carolina getting questions about tobacco and cars? Do they have steel chartrooms to turn to and itinerant farmers to socially network with?
I'm thinking not and here's why.
Yahoo! is all gay, all the time. It's like the Rock Hudson of portals.
If you don't believe me, hit up Yahoo!'s People of the Web section. This is where straight folk go to be emasculated.
POTW relies on a tanned and muscular reporter named Kevin Sites. Think a deflated but equally virile version of Fabio.
Yahoo! used to have a sweaty, glistening Sites run around the Middle East for video and print stories on how crappy that part of the world is. Now, however, it has forced Captain Machismo to interview so-called web celebrities.
One such celebrity is Kirk Cameron, the star of Growing Pains - a US sitcom that humiliated our children during the Reagan and Bush years. As it turns out, Cameron has turned to religion in a big way and hopes that converting people to Christianity will make amends for his horrendous acting.
You can be damn sure that Big Gay Al would welcome Cameron with open arms. During the POW report, you'll see Cameron paying off shirtless Latinos - cough, gang bangers - just to talk to him. It's sad to witness his degradation, and I'm quite sure he drops down even farther in the off camera action.
Here's $20. My first question is, "What you are doing later?"
Sites has also done a profile on John Styn for Yahoo!. This "piece" is hilarious because it centers on Styn's Hug Nation video show where he leads virtual hugs. It's peace, love and all that.
Of course, if your child ends up being curious about this character and types, say, "John Styn" into the Yahoo! search bar, he'll find a photo of a very stange creature (below).
Styn runs a bunch of pornlicious web sites such as cockybastard.com, globalgasm, and lustmonkey, although Yahoo! fails to really mention this.
All Yahoo! says is that "(Styn) started a Web site, cockybastard.com (it won a 2000 Webby award for best Web site), in which he posted 'beefcake photos of himself,' sharing personal details and inviting readers to respond. 'I did what I would call a digital striptease,' disclosing his insecurities about skin or sexual problems, John says."
Yahoo! forgot to mention this
That sounds, er, fair enough, right?
So, let's have a look at what Styn actually discusses on the site.
Yesterday I did something I’ve never done before.
I basically sent out an EXPLICIT video of me masturbating to anyone who emailed me and asked (or posted a comment.) I posted a picture on my blog to show I dyed my pubes.
Thanks for that, Yahoo!. We'll spare you the photo.
Some people call me conservative. Fine.
I just don't think our children, who go to Yahoo! to get movie show times or to check their e-mail, need to find a pube dyer like Styn being celebrated.
Yahoo seems to be trying to counter Google's colored balls with a rainbow assault. And, I'm sure that a lot of gay people have figured out how to use the internet, so this could be a hit building play. I ask you, though, is this the type of America we want to live in? Do we want the most popular destination on the web shoving limp wristed Christians who pay Spaniards for favors down our throats? Do we want toned, well-maned reporters tossing their soft balls at self made porn stars? I don't think so. ®
Otto Z. Stern is a director at The Institute of Technological Values - a think tank dedicated to a more moral digital age. He has closely monitored the IT industry's intersection with America's role as a world leader for thirty years. You can find Stern locked and loaded, corralling wounded iLemmings, talking, drinking and driving, reflecting on Anna Nicole Smith's American chest, suppressing Bill Gates U, developing strong Mexican engineers, fearing pink Yahoo!, corrupting his youth in Sadville, masticating beta culture, booing our soccer team, following Jimmy Wales, despising U-Haul, nursing an opal-plated prostate, spanking open source fly boys, Googling Bro-Magnon Man, wearing a smashing suit, watching Dead Man, dropping a SkyCar on the Googleplex, spitting on Frenchmen, and vomiting in fear with a life-sized cutout of Hilary Rosen at his solar-powered compound somewhere in the Great American Southwest.