101 uses for a dead iPhone
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NSFW It's official: paradigms were shifted, technologies redefined and, if the Macheads are to be believed, the world momentarily stopped turning on its axis this week at the unveiling of the long-awaited Apple iPhone™®©.
And very pretty it is too, although some commentators are suggesting that the price - coupled to the Cingular tie-in deal - may be a punt too far for the average consumer.
We shall see. If the iPhone does go the way of the Sinclair C5, forward-thinking users will already be contemplating how it might best serve humanity in the afterlife. We've also put some thought into the matter, and can today offer our top ten tips as to how to extract the maximum possible value from your dead iPhone.
Please note we haven't included the obvious, viz: use it to prop up a wobbly table; deploy it as a drinks coaster; or buy 100,000 unwanted iPhones on eBay and construct a gigantic pyramidal monument to the genius of Steve Jobs. Rather, we've picked the best and most ingenious solutions as suggested by Vulture Central staffers. Enjoy:
1: Stick it in the blender
A pretty perverse concept, you might think, but in reality it could provide seconds of fun for all the family. The inspiration for the blended iPhone comes from Will It Blend?, who have in the past tested an iPod to whirring destruction.
2: Fire it at the Moon
This option is specifically for the British iPhone owner demographic who want to contribute something to the UK's space programme.
Professor Sir Colin "where's my probe?" Pillinger will doubtless to be happy to advise how best to embed the iPhone deep into the lunar surface. The resulting impact can be captured in an image such as that seen here, and subsequently posted on the internet for the science community's viewing pleasure.
The possible benefits of such an experiment are legion, including a better understanding of how a future British Moon base might be fortified against Chinese space-launched iPhone attack.
3: Donate it to NASA
An alternative space proposal is to send your dead iPhone to the space shuttle programme. Indeed, given Apple products' legendarily robust and scratch-proof construction, the iPhone will be warmly received by NASA as the ideal replacement for those pesky heat-resistant tiles.
As you can see here, the administration has already begun fitting iPhones to Discovery in anticipation of the next jaunt to the International Space Station. Once it arrives, The Register has learned, astronauts will detatch one iPhone which contains an emergency playlist of morale-boosting MP3s including David Bowie's Space Oddity and the soundtrack to Alien.
4: Use it to create your own fashion range
Let's face it, the possibilities here are endless: iPhone earrings, solar-powered iPhone bikinis or designer iPhone body armour (for our plucky lads in Afghanistan) - the only limit is that of your imagination.
So imagine this: the iPhone merkin, as seen here in Natalie Portman "come hither" mode. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties and add an extra va-va-voom to your intimate relationships. The iMerk will be available shortly in a range of colours including Jobs Jade, Minty Apple Green and Cisco Cerise, as shown here.
5: Turn it into a skysurfing board for your guinea pig
Give your furry friend a once-in-a-lifetime trip aboard the iPhone skysurfing board - a 10,000ft rollercoaster ride of airborne joy.
And, if the little fella doesn't survive the drop, you can always get in touch with the Peruvian Guinea Pig Marketing Board, which offers a range of tasty guinea pig recipes including our particular favourite: Montezuma's sacrificial guinea pig gumbo. Tasty.
6: Use it as a personal attack weapon
Forget the new Taser C2 - the iPhone's aforementioned bullet-proof build makes it the ideal personal defence/attack device.
Indeed, in recent computer simulation trials (see picture) an unnamed virtual supermodel inflicted three lawsuits' worth of damage on her anger management counsellor and went on to beat two personal assistants senseless without adverse effect on the iPhone's multifunctional capability.
7: Feed the World™
While the Darfur refugee blogosphere has reacted with unbridled enthusiasm to the iPhone's launch ("a seamless melding of music and telecommunications tech, like wow!", as one displaced netizen put it), there's no doubt the device's capabilities could do more to alleviate human suffering worldwide.
Accordingly, consider dispatching your iPhone to Africa's poorest and then "let them know it's Christmas" - by SMS. They'll thank you for it, make no mistake.
8: Give it to your girlfriend
You know how it is: you're away at the Mac developers' conference and the sight of all that hardware is getting the joystick twitching. Trouble is, your other half is 5,000 miles away. What's the plan?
Simple: give her the very latest in interactive iPhone pleasuring device, controlled by you via internet connection and featuring a state-of-the-art iWang™ offering thirteen speeds and gyro-controlled rotational capability. As an added bonus, you can view your efforts in real time as your partner's ecstatic movements are exactly reproduced by her Second Life avatar.
(Please note: Picture is for purpose of illustration only. iWang, connecting cable and girlfriend sold separately.)
9: Use it to solve the planet's energy crisis
Planet Earth is in crisis, and no messing. With fossil fuel reserves running low and confusion among the world's governments as how best to proceed, we'd like to offer the ultimate clean-energy-generating system: the iPhone superheated atmosphere turbine.
The operational principle is simple: a multi-box Mac set-up via which small groups of Macheads are exposed to screen images of the iPhone, thereby provoking the production of vast quantities of hot air as they bang on relentlessly about how the device has changed their lives and those of their children, and their children's children, etc, etc.
This superheated atmosphere is vented via vast turbines which can produce up to 100kW per geek hour - 70 per cent more efficient than simply burning Apple disciples for fuel. In times of peak demand, extra energy is created by pumping a snap of a sultry Carrie Anne Moss onto an emergency screen, as seen here. To prevent meltdown, one or more of the iPhone images can be removed to cool the reactor's human core.
The iPhone superheated atmosphere turbine generator is fuelled by environmentally-friendly, organic pizza. Note the unspent fuel cell at the bottom left of the picture.
10: Shove it up your...
No, only joking. Our tenth spot is not a suggestion at all, but rather an invitation - an invitation to those of you recently named by Time magazine as its "Person of the Year", you "citizens of the new digital democracy", to set your fertile Web 2.0 minds to the task as to what exactly the future holds for the Apple iPhone.
We know you won't disappoint us. Get to you blogs. ®