Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/07/07/usb_missle_war_breaks_out/

USB missile launches detected on multiple fronts

Yes, it's WAR!

By Register Hardware

Posted in Hardware, 7th July 2006 13:41 GMT

Updated What have we done? Today, we began receiving sporadic reports of the outbreak of hostilities between rival factions within the nation's offices and workplaces, all following our coverage of the USB missile launcher gizmo yesterday.

Reg Hardware, is seems, may have contributed to a major dip in the country's productivity as workers down tools and start firing small, foam rockets at each other. Entire departments are believed to have become mired in conflict.

Update

And we're now getting word of a dramatic escalation in the USB missile launcher arms race. Many Bothans died getting us these images of a USB webcam-augmented USB missile launcher.

usb missile launcher hostilities unfold

Intelligence suggests these fearsome new weapons are the product of notorious munitions boffin David Willis.

Meanwhile, a rogue faction of Linux programmers led by one Scott Weston have hijacked a number of missile deployment units. Alas, they made a classic blunder, communicating the details of their plot and methodology in webpage form.

Thanks to the international man of mystery known only as 'Geoff' for this item.

Update ends

We received this bulletin from the front line this morning. It is typical of the many reports we are currently receiving:

Due to rapid growth, our company offices are split down the middle by a public corridor; this has resulted in a 'west wing' and and 'east wing'. There have been concerns of a 'them and us' culture developing, but recent events have accelerated this beyond measure....

Comments from the West Wing are denoted with W and East with an E.

W
At last WMD in an achievable price range!
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E
It makes no mention of range. Is it a short-range or long-range intra-office balistic missile system?
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W
Good point. I'm assuming that it will go further than North Korea's little effort although I don't know if it has cross-corridor capabilities
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E
Does this mean the start of an inter-corridor arms race? We need to start preparing our defences (elastic band launchers and kamikaze stuffed penguins)...

Now where is my tin hat?
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W
I think this talk of 'arms races' and 'band launchers' is counter productive to the fragile peace that exists across our borders. This sabre-rattling about penguins only seeks to undermine the Pub-Lunch Initiatives and the Waterfront Pizza Non-Proliferation Treaty.
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E
I went to the pub for lunch, yet no member of the West wing was there. This snub sees my preparing for full scale conflict.
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W
How can delegates attend something to which they were not invited?

This is typical of the East's attitude and nothing more than a continuation of long line of calculated diplomatic faux-pas designed to increase tensions between us. For example, the increasing laxity of the East's research delegation in attending pre-arranged meetings designed to build bridges between our great nations.
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E
I'm sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that's your own lookout. Energize the demolition beam. I don't know. Apathetic bloody office. I have no sympathy at all.
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E
This is an official statement from the newly formed East Wing Ministry of Defence.

A spate of comunications were intercepted during Thursday 6th July discussing armament and inter-office conflict. These communications initiated within the West Wing, and are viewed by the East Wing Government as a clear indication of West Wing aggression.

The East Wing believes this aggression to be a direct threat to our peaceful way of life, and a clear evidence of the Evil that resides within the West Wing. In the interests of preserving democracy for the free peoples of the office, the East Wing has sought access to West Wing installations for our approved weapons inspectors. This access has not been granted, and it is now clear that the West Wing is hiding an advanced and deadly inter-office weapons programme.

Subsequently, the East Wing Government feels that we are left with no choice but to launch a pre-emptive strike in defence of all that is good.
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W
The contents of our cupboards is our own business, but we would willingly grant access to these facilities in return for similar access to the cupboards of the East.
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E
We are not fooled by your request. Clearly you wish to acquire our peace-keeping technology to use it for your own non-peaceful, aggressive and evil means.

I think that the security of our wind [sic] would be compromised both by allowing access to our cupboards and by the West Wing's refusal to grant us allocated, UN-authorised, inspector access to the stationary cupboard. We can only take this time wasting move by the West Wing as a further sign of proposed action against our Wing.

I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us.
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W
Just how secure is your wind?
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E
It is extremely secure, but the threat from the West Wing should not be under-emphasised. The escape of critical peace-keeping chemical weapons which could follow a sustained terrorist attack could seriously deplete our ability to respond.
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W
Would now be a good time to mention that I've been secretly assembling a directed electromagnetic pulse weapon from the spare computer parts in the stationary cupboard? And before the East Wingians point out that they supply our servers, I think now is the time to reveal the West Wing contingency plan: the pathetic dial-up machine is actually a FULLY FUNCTIONAL DEATH ST- er... broadband hub, I mean.
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W
They may have control over the servers but we house them, it is us with the control of the power sockets!
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W And more importantly tea and coffee making facilities!
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E
Aren't you the North side of the West Wing? Have you forged an alliance with the South side?
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W
They are trying to divide us but we are a united front.

Kettle embargo!
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W
And the coffee machine and the fridge with ice cream, and the fruit!
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E
Ladies and Gentlemen. Citizens. We regret to inform you that, as of 15:18 this afternoon we were forced to launch an all out strike on Corporal Dave of the West Wing in reaction for his provocative firing of a weapon into an empty space of land in East Wing territory.

All Citizens of the East Wing are hereby ordered into high alert, and lightsabers must be kept with you at all times.
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W
Following the attack of one of our own citizens in neutral territory, the West have been forced to take hostages to ensure the saftey of our citizens in the UN sanctioned Corridor of Neutrality.

usb missile launcher hostilities unfold

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E
What you've missed is the explosive suicide headband that one of the penguins is wearing.
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W Fool! That is not a head-band, it is his blind-fold; he will be the first to be executed following the next transgression against one of our citizens.
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E
Corporal Dave is not a citizen but a soldier, therefore under the rules of war, we can shoot the crap out of him...
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E
Some of us are thirsty, can you guarantee safe passage to the kitchen as well as an escort?
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W
We shall treat your citizens in our territory the same way you would treat one of ours on your turf. Given your human rights record to date, this may not be a favourable situation for them to be in.

Anyway, our records show that you have your own stocks of water and indeed a water cooler; it is not the view of the West that humanitarian aid is needed at this juncture.
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E
Breaking News

usb missile launcher hostilities unfold

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W
Pah!!! Those Easterners are interested only in alcohol - it was there drinking that started this dispute many emails ago!!!
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E
Please find attached the rescue plan for our hostages. It goes without saying that the West Wing must never see this, or the operation will inevitably end in disaster.
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W
Citizens of the West

Following the constant sabre rattling culminating in the assault upon citizen Dave in the UN Neutral Corridor, the West has been left little choice other than to invest heavily in defensive research. Today saw the first test firing of the 'oversized blow dart' defence missile system; the launch was a complete success as have been subsequent test launches.

With its capacity for a heavy payload, this missile system should see the defence of the West secured for generations to come. Citizens of the West are invited to submit plans for weaponisation of the 'feather duster' launch projectile in the form of warheads weighing in under 100g. Needle and blade systems are permitted but area effect payloads are preferable. Explosive payloads are encouraged but plans for chemical, biological or nuclear systems will only be accepted via the 'brown-paper-package-in-a-public-bin' tender method as outlined in the Citizenship Guidelines Manual.

It is our opinion that the 'rescue' plan recently leaked from the East's defence ministry is nothing more than a cheap propaganda exercise designed to pacify the Penguin minorities of the East; our analysts believe that these plans constitute no risk to the sovereign territory or the citizens of the West. Nevertheless, we shall take this opportunity to benefit you by increasing security and further eroding civil liberties.

Thank you for your attention.

Chris Dugdale, West Wing President