Slovenian brewer reveals miracle properties of beer

Original URL: https://www.theregister.com/2006/05/19/beers_miracle_properties/

Quaff 'liquid bread', live forever

Posted in Science, 19th May 2006 11:25 GMT

The beer drinkers among you already know the truth - the nectar of the gods fights cancer and heart disease, promotes intelligence and a slimline physique and bestows riches upon the quaffer.

Pretty conclusive evidence for the miracle properties of beer, you might think. Sadly, though, there are still some (our news editor included) who are still not convinced that 10 pints down the pub on a Friday lunchtime is doing more for Reg hacks' health than a whole step aerobics class of wheat grass juice and gym memberships.

Accordingly, we're going to roll out the big guns now, in the form of Slovenian brewer Laško, which has provided a list of all that's good about "liquid bread":

Experts recommend beer:

as a means of losing weight; because it accelerates the passing of urine and water from the body;
because it regulates blood pressure and is useful in cases of anaemia and exhaustion;
because it increases blood flow in the heart, kidneys and brain;
because it stimulates the activity of the kidneys and stomach acid, and tranquilises with the help of lupulin and hops;
because it is helpful in cases of constipation, excess stomach acid and cellulite;
because its biochemical structure stimulates the metabolism;
because of vitamin H, which is helpful in dermatology, as biotin prevents hair loss and dandruff;
because of its dietary value: it contains partly disintegrated substances which are not only easy to digest, but also stimulate the digestion of food that is consumed while drinking beer;
because it is hygienically faultless: its low pH value and the antiseptic effect of alcohol and the bitter substances of hops prevent the evolution of pathogenic micro-organisms;
because it has a tranquilising effect on the nervous system, which is specially true in the treatment of aged people, whose psychological problems are mostly connected to arteriosclerotic phenomena which limit blood flow to the brain;
because it contains not only tranquilisers, but alcohol, which widens the veins and accelerates blood circulation, which is an additional tranquilising effect.

And, just before piling mob-handed into the local boozer for some medication, we'll add that beer has been allowing unattractive people to form sexual liaisons since the dawn of time. The defence rests. Cheers. ®

Bootnote

Thanks to Alan Perryman for the tipple-off. He notes: "No real IT angle except it's a website." Mate, that's good enough for us on a Friday afternoon.