Ye Bastarde Operatore frome Helle
A Tragedie in two Actes
Episode 25 The Shakespeare Revival Company celebrates the 441st anniversary of the year of Shakespeare's birth with this,
THE TRAGEDIE OF YE BASTARDE OPERATORE FROME HELLE
Scene 1 - The HR Tea Room.
Enter three HR Consultants
HR1: When shall we three meet again?
HR2: This afternoon at the pub?
HR3: Yep, I'm free.
HR1: Don't want to talk about Promotions?
HR3: I'm good.
Scene II - Outside a meeting room
CEO: That sounded like a bit of a rough meeting.
Helldesk cannon fodder who will die in the next scene: Yes, the users ganged up on the IT people about server performance and the proposed 'standardised desktop' plan.
CEO: And what happened?
Helldesk cannon fodder who will die in the next scene: It seems that the Manager of Systems put the user up to it but the whole thing turned to custard when that Bastard guy happened to stumble upon some evidence of the Manager in question stealing large amounts of the company's stationery. And shagging the head of IT's missus.
CEO: So the standardised desktop plan's still a goer then?
Helldesk cannon fodder who will die in the next scene: Oh yeah.
Scene III - HR Tea Room
HR1: So anyway, what about these promotions? A position's opened up in IT.
HR2: Promote from within you think? It's not really for us to say.
HR3: Schtum - Here's some now.
Enter Bastarde and PFYe
BOFH: What a bastard of a day. First that crap meeting now we're on bloody smoke alarm repairs!
HR1, HR2 & HR3: Morning.
BOFH: (whispered to PFYe) Promotions committee. Be Nice. (loudly) Morning ladies. How are we this morning?
HR1: Good, but not as good as you by all accounts.
HR2: Putting in the spadework with the CEO's standard desktop idea...
HR3: Climbing the greasy pole then?
PFYe: Everything all right here?
HR1: Ah, the assistant.
HR2: Lesser than the bastard and yet greater.
HR3: Ignore her. She's a parttime dietary consultant.
BOFH: What the hell are you talking about?
HR1: We're suggesting you're a megalomaniac corporate ladder jockey with a penchant for workplace homicide. Bound to get places fast and leave a few smoking corpses.
BOFH: Ah, so nothing libellous then.
Enter Helldesk cannon fodder who will die in this scene
Scene IV - CEO's Office
CEO: So the Systems Manager's gone then?
Head of IT: He was on the street before his personal possessions made it to the furnace.
CEO: Sorry to... ah... hear about the wife.
Head of IT: What? That?! It was the worst photoshop job I've ever seen!
CEO: So how are you going to replace him - promote from within?
Head of IT: What, you mean the Bastard? No, we've tried that before, it never works out.
CEO: Perhaps this time...
Head of IT: Suit yourself, but you'll regret it.
Scene V - Mission Control
BOFH: Would you bloody look at this contract!
PFYe: Hmm? I thought you'd said you'd never do that again.
BOFH: Yeah, but look at the bottom line!
PFYe: You earn more than that now.
BOFH: I think you'll find that's a monthly amount, not annual.
PFYe: WHAT! That's crazy money!
BOFH: Yeah well - it seems the pay is average but the workplace hazard allowance is astronomical.
PFYe: Makes you think, doesn't it?
BOFH: About edging out the CEO, nabbing his role with the skilful application of bribery and blackmail then leading a full frontal attack on the US arm of the company for multinational control?
PFYe: No, I meant about the benefits of being a contractor.
BOFH: So are you in?
PFYe: What do you want me to do...
Scene VI - The Pub
CEO: Awfully nice of you to invite me down for a couple of drinks.
BOFH: Not at all. Another brandy or three?
CEO: Don't mind if I do!
PFYe: So what's your interest in this standardised desktop business.
CEO: Well between you and I...
(pauses to down one of the three newly delivered large brandies)
PFYe: (Moving the flower on his lapel closer) Yes?
CEO: I have a old school friend who deals in computer imports and between us we've set up a company to onsell the equipment the company needs at a reasonable profit. (slurring slightly) And, as I control the budget for a purchase of such magnitude the review process will be relatively short...
PFYe: ...and sweet?
PFY: Excellent. Another brandy or three?
CEO: Don't mind if I do!
Scene VII - The Gents at the Pub
PFYe: (washing hands and rinsing his jacket) Who'd have thought the old man to have had so much sick in him? There's a spot. Out damn spot.
BOFH: (entering) Dog problems?
PFYe: No, the CEO didn't make it to the bogs and barfed down my back. Then he dropped his watch down the toilet and is trying to get the landlord to shut the toilets down before it gets washed into the sewer..
Scene VIII - The main bar
HR1: So what are you having?
HR2: Gin. Make it a double.
HR3: Me too.
HR1: (Turning to landlord) So that's double, double and... (Reading sign on blackboard behind landlord's head) you've got toilet trouble?
BOFH: Afternoon ladies, can I get you three a drink? Thanks for the heads up about the promotions opportunities too. With a bit of luck I could go all the way to the top!
HR1: And bear in mind that none of woman born will stand in your way.
HR1: We've been here for two and a half hours, you're lucky we're standing...
Scene I - Mission Control
Enter Bastard and PFYe, looking pretty pleasede with themselves
BOFH: So it's sorted then, the CEO's down the road faster than an insider trader, the Board's in a shambles and I, as a whistleblower with the company's best interests at heart, am in a perfect position for a takeover. And, if the HR druids are to be believed my application for the top role is a shoe in.
PFYe: Well it would be, but...
PFYe: The new HR Appointments Process auditor looks a lot like Louise Brown...
BOFH: Oh shit. The bastardes!... ®