Golden Palace to sponsor Robert Mugabe?
And that's just for starters...
Competition results Thanks very much to all of those many readers who sent in suggestions as to how online gambling outfit GoldenPalace.com might increase its brand frontage in the wake of its greatest stunt to date: tattooing its name onto a woman's face.
Tricky, you might think, to top such a media-friendly piece of disfigurement, but rest assured that El Reg fans have not let us down, as you will see.
First up, though, we have to address the thorny issue of whether running stories on casinos tattooing women's faces is actually anything more than giving free publicity to women's-face-tattooing casinos. Here's Andrew Bale's take on the matter:
Have theregister run a competition in which readers are forced to mull over the words "Golden Palace" repeatedly trying to think up marketing strategies... oh, wait....
And try this from Kev Williams:
Get an online news site to run a story about how Golden Palace can improve it’s coverage and get people to email in suggestions.
Hmmm. Interesting, but not entirely convincing. Try this:
Scene: Vulture Central, 1 September 1939. A breathless hack bursts into the editor's office.
Breathless hack: Hitler's just invaded Poland. Shall we hold the front page?
Ed: Nah, just leave it - it'll only encourage him.
Right. On with the show. We've (sort of) divided your suggestions into categories, in order to make the thing a bit more user-friendly. First up are - since we ocassionally run IT news - a few computer/net/science-based offerings, starting with Ian Strickley:
How about buying the website name www.weredesperateforanyadvertisingcoverage.com
Yes, and then, says Damien Greaves...
GoldenPalace.com could write there own OS. Then try and take over the world by only having pieces of software made by GoldenPalace.com work on it. (Software such as GoldenPalace.com Express, GoldenPalace.com Explorer, GoldenPalace,com Messenger, GoldenPalace.com Word, Etc). Of coarse the OS and any related software (and hardware for that matter) will have to be overpriced and have the GoldenPalace.com logo plastered all over it. The OS and software must also be able to crash at every given opportunity. Although I have a nagging feeling it's already been done.
We think you may be right, Damien. Here, though, is something we're sure has yet to be revealed to a shocked and awed world:
I'm still waiting for someone to spell out Goldenpalace.com in Xenon atoms with a scanning tunelling microscope.
We reckon it would be wise for Anthony Michell not to hold his breath on that one. Moving swiftly on, here's a mixed bag of opportunities under the heading:
Perhaps they should stick with the forehead-tattoo theme, but of course they need to go for something bigger and better... I seem to remember seeing some fairly decent sized foreheads on Mount Rushmore...
Thanks for that, Matt Javes. Expanding on this theme is Peter Webb. This sort of thing was a popular choice:
Golden Palace tattooed on dead peoples foreheads. It would give the mourners an idea on how to cheer up, and a suggestion to the beneficiaries on what to do with all the dough.
Or how about painting Golden Palace on coffins. Better exposure, since people on the street outside the funeral parlour, church and cemetery could see it too, not just the mourners.
And continuing on this train of thought, how about Golden Palace on gravestones? Something I'm sure people would be dying to do.
While we're on the subject of dead people and funerals and the like, a Golden Palace bible would probably be a comfort, explains Robert Grant:
1 Kings 6:14
So Solomon built the GOLDEN PALACE and completed it.
1 Kings 6:21
Solomon covered the inside of the GOLDEN PALACE with pure gold, and he extended gold chains across the front of the inner sanctuary, which was overlaid with gold.
1 Kings 7:51
When all the work King Solomon had done for the GOLDEN PALACE of the LORD was finished, he brought in the things his father David had dedicated—the silver and gold and the furnishings—and he placed them in the treasuries of the LORD's GOLDEN PALACE.
Nicely done. Tom Watson has a similar liking for sponsored buildings:
GoldenPalace.com are proud to have been instrumental in the reconstruction of this bridge, damaged in 1997 by Her Royal Highness Diana Princess of Wales.
Speaking of absent celebrities, Foz Hughes recommends:
The musician Prince, who could change his name to a squiggle again and then become known as "The artist formerly known as GoldenPalace.com"
What ever did happen to the artist formerly known as well-known? Perhaps he blew his wad in online poker rooms and is now busking for dimes in Philadelphia. It's a sad thought.
Sad yes, but not by any means offensive, a word which might possibly apply to Duke's Golden Palace grand plan:
Golden Palace branded pedophiles, great penetration in the youth market.
Well, they say all publicity is good publicity, so why not this too from George Morris?:
Bottled Thalidomide Water for Maternity Wards
Ah yes, the kiddie market. We ask you now to...
...for God's sake, think of the children
I'm thinking a good way for Golden Palace to get even more gain from advertising/controversy would be to start sponsoring abortions. Each teenage girl coming in to prevent another generation of trash growing up could walk away with a "My fetus was killed by GoldenPalace.com and all I got was this lousy shirt" t-shirt.
Yes, Big-D, we see where you're coming from - killing two birds with one stone, as it were. Of course, not everyone will warm to the abortion idea, but there's still cash to be made from them thar rugrats. Les explains:
In order to instill brand awareness during the critical, formative years, aggressively pursue co-branding opportunities with Playskool, Mattel, Hasbro, &c to create "My Little Casino" kiddie-games which would be distributed free of charge to cash-strapped school districts and pre- schools. Nothing gets a teacher's attention like free swag for her/his students.
This is true, as is the fact that advances in genetic modification techniques open a whole new range of marketing possibilities:
Have your children genetically modified so that they run around shouting "Golden Palace" instead of "Eaoww dakakaka" or "Nee Naa Nee Naa".
Thank you Barney Hilken, although as any parent knows, all children run around saying "Bobobobomama", except those who have been playing too much GTA: San Andreas, who generally never get beyond "Gonna pop a cap in yo' muthaf***in' ass, ho!"
An example of where such a maladjusted and violence-driven childhood leads is exemplified by Chris Denham, who is first up under our general heading of:
Golden Palace could pay somebody (me) to kill people and evade the law leaving the message 'Goldenpalace.com' at every scene. Some could be carved into the victims, others could be written in their blood - its all good.
Ah yes, nothing like a bit of death to drum up business. Another, from Bill Orme:
GP could sponsor a blowfish eating contest where 5 of the dishes are prepared properly, and one is lethal - broadcasting opp here is huge.
Yes, they could call it, er...
...Russian Roulette. I am sure there will be no shortage of well paid facially tattooed vounteers to pass round a loaded revolver with a single bullet. The beauty of this idea is that they can have a new round of on line betting after each empty chamber. Think of the spinoffs - coffins with GoldenPalace.com on the side and sponsorship by Colt - beats Big Brother for clean family enertainment.
Ta very much to Steven Walker for that. Matt Javes, though, reckons he's got the ultimate in clean family entertainment:
If they want to go more mass-market... how about they use a computer-controlled cannon to fire the terminally ill/elderly people/mental patients/disabled children into an appropriately large urban landmark in order to create a huge red (and lumpy) GoldenPalace.com billboard logo (I reckon you'd need 6 or 7 people per letter depending their size, percentage of body fat and impact velocity)... obviously their next of kin would receive payment, otherwise it would be just cruel...
It would. Not as cruel as this, however. Well, on the TV audience at least:
I think in order for Goldenpalace.com to obtain more publicity, they should strike up a relationship with Tom Cruise! Think of it, it’s perfect! Two shallow publicity seekers in tandem, it could be a match made in heaven! Tom bouncing up and down on a Goldenpalace.com branded sofa, declaring his love for ‘The best online casino in the world’! Maybe Tom could rant on about how depressed people shouldn’t be taking medication, they should be cheered by ‘Some of the best payout rates on the internet’! What price for a Goldenpalace.com branded War Of The Worlds Tripod Walker?
Rory Lewis was not alone in his penchant for celebrity endorsement. James Young suggested the:
Pitt Poop Pot o' Gold: Brad Pitt will swallow a nugget of gold with the words "GoldenPalace.com" etched on it. Then a lucky winner will be chosen to extricate it from his stool when he passes it on live TV.
Hmmmm. It's a bit of a one-(s)hit gag, isn't it? Let's look to Matthew Hallberg for more long-term exploitation of brand and celebrity:
Golden Palace buys out Man U. After the controversy of an American buying Man U, this would spark further controversy. Golden Palace would bring back Beckham and return the ultimate dominance of English Football causing fans everywhere to go to their websites and wear Golden Palace football shirts and shoes and tattoos because the whole world knows how fanatical football fans are (even the US fears these kinds of fans). Golden Palace's notoriety/popularity would increase a million-fold.
It would. Try this, on the other hand, for a billion-fold increase in notoriety:
I suggest that they should pay someone to hijack a plane and fly it into Caesar's Palace. That would certainly net them some hitcount improvements.
That explosive marketing concept is courtesy of Reg regular Jasmine. She admits to still being complete crap at haikus.
Not that they'd know anything about Japanese poetry down in Mississippi, home of Madge May-Detton of Flying Turtle Farm and her assemblage of goats, who kicks off our section named:
Weep for Mother Nature and Planet Earth
I'd be willing to rent space on my dairy goats. They're purebred Saanan milk goats, which means they are very large white goats. I'd be willing to stencil the Golden Palace logo on their sides for a small monthly fee, say, $200 per goat. Our girls are clean and healthy, and if you asked me, a lot better looking than the psycho chick with the face tattoo. I'd even be willing for my goat girls to appear on web cam, under tasteful and discreet circumstances that is. I also have a very large male Saanan with a rack that's about 36 inches tip to tip. I'm certain the old Golden Palace staff could come up with a way to eblazon his rack with flashing neon lights, but the fee on that would be much higher, say $500 per month plus a supply of strawberry 'Twizzlers' his favorite snack.
That's right, while there are people dumb enough to be branded by Golden Palace, there are millions of dumb animals who don't have a say in the matter. Here's Mike's suggestion:
They could tattoo their URL on the hides of baby seals at the north pole.
That's the Canadian market tackled, then. For a more global impact, try Zen random's:
The GoldenPalace.com branded killer meteorite. I predict that it would deliver a gigantic impact. Truly a way for GoldenPalace.com to make it's mark on the world.
Could prove a disastrous strategy in the long-term, we believe. Better is this from Andy Scales:
How about using some sort of moon mounted "la-ser" beam to scorch their brand right across North America, thus giving them free advertising on all future photos of the earth. I'm sure all of the homeowners/landowners/living in it's path wouldn't mind the small price to pay to build a better future for GoldenPalace.com. I have attached a highly skilled artist's impression of how this may look.
Suffice it to say, we would not decribe the artist's impression as "highly skilled" on any level, which is why we're sparing you.
So far, it's all a bit close to home, don't you think? Time for Golden Palace to think extraterrestrial:
Golden Palace DNA-tag. Have your DNA tagged, and when the Aliens come to abduct you they will find the message and spend all their kryptonite at GoldenPalace.com.
Disturbing stuff from Oliver Brose. Daniel Babbage is likewise thinking out-of-this-world:
How about Golden palace constellations? Golden palace can commandeer NASA, develop hyperspace technology, invent a huge singularity device, and go and accelerate the lifespan of a carefully selected number of stars. When they do all go boom, we will see the URL "GoldenPalace.com" spelled out in stars in the night sky, probably remaining there for a few weeks. That should get their bloody visitor numbers up, the advantageous bastards.
Could cost a bit. If Golden Palace is looking for a low-cost alternative to stellar manipulation, Luke Wells may have it cracked:
The sun! (as in the sky not the tabloid) We all know that when you stare into the sun for a few seconds, a big purple circle is burnt into your retinas for a few seconds/minutes. Now how great would it be to build a giant sunshade that orbits the earth with the Golden Palace logo cut out of it. So rather then a big purple circle being burnt into your retina, its the Golden Palace logo! The benefit of this is that during the period of time the logo remains burnt into your retinas, EVERYTHING you look at will have the golden palace logo on it, without Golden Palace to actually pay to advertise on everything :)
The beancounters will like that one, make no mistake, which is more than can be said for the UK's ID card scheme, currently estimated at around £200bn. Yes, you guessed it, it's time for:
Before getting to the meat, we'll give a heads-up to the many entrants who suggested Golden Palace sponsor ID cards - a neat idea, especially if you can use the thing to gamble online and blow a month's wages in one glorious orgy of folly.
And if it's folly you want, try this hot off the keyboard of Calin Cosma:
Maybe they could buy a small country. I guess there are a few dictators in Africa that for a couple of million bucks would gladly rename their countries as goldenpalace.com.
One dictator springs immediately to mind:
Get good old Robert Mugabe to appear in an advert for them stating that Golden Palace is the only choice for the Zanu-PF and war veterans.
Jonathan Parsons there leading the charge to suggest Golden Palace-sponsored bulldozers. The West Bank and Israel got a few mentions along the same lines, but here's something a bit more radical, from Mafoo:
GoldenPalace.com - in lights - written across the middle east using Israel's 110 nukes. Branding thats sure to make the tea time news.
Robert Lindsay develops the WMD theme thus:
The obvious answer: buy the naming rights to weapons.
News 2007: "Today US microsoft.com F-22 longhorns dropped 500 pound goldenpalace.com guided bombs on insurgent bases..."
Insurgents, eh? Where would we be without a bit of insurgency?
I think that Al Quaeda are missing out on a huge opportunity here - with the War On Terrorism™ and removal of the Taleban cutting into their sources of funding, Golden Palace might be able to step into the breach in return for sponsoring Osama Bin Laden. Just imagine future video releases from the world's most wanted beardie pouring out hatred of The Great Satan, calling for the death of all infidels, all whilst wearing a GoldenPalace.com t-shirt.
Benefits include guaranteed air-time on Al-Jazeera, public condemnation from just about every western leader (no such thing as bad publicity!), and an instant jump in revenue for "GoldenArabicPalace.com - where 10% of our profit provides more weapons for those plucky freedom fighters".
Cheers to Dan Halford for the Ozzie tip. Of course, one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. Why can't we just all learn to love one another?, asks Declan Kelly:
Loyalist/Republican gable-wall "art": Offer silly amounts of cash to "community activists" in Northern Ireland (where not even kerbstones and lamp posts are spared from a 3-colour paint job so that everyone knows what area they are in) to paint the GoldenPalace.com URL and casino-themed artwork on end-of-terrace gable walls in housing estates.
Offer exactly the same amount of money to Loyalist and Republican, Protestant and Catholic, as the aim here would be to end a war (not start a new one).
Hear, hear. We're going to wrap up this bundle of political polemic with a populist proposal from Graham Norbury:
GoldernPalace.com sponsored speed cameras in the UK. They pay the fine. They really would get the attention of the public.
Probably so, but nothing on Earth gets the public's attention like:
Cutting the foreplay, let's get down and dirty with Gareth Fitch:
Has to be Golden Palace condoms:
"Get screwed with Golden Palace"
"Play the one-arm bandit at Golden Palace"
"Get a rise with the Golden Palace"
"Blow it all at the Golden Palace"
"Golden Palace: Just Cum In"
Alternatively, the Golden Palace dildo: "Shafted by the Golden Palace"
Naturally, having slipped on the Golden Palace prophylactic, you'll need somewhere to dip your wick. Damon Hart offers:
Well of course, you could have "Golden" tattooed on your left buttock, and "Palace" on the right, which might prove popular with the 18-30 ASBO Holiday crowd...
Roger that, old chap. Unsurprisingly we had plenty of hard-core suggestions for Golden Palace, most of which were unsuitable for publication on a family website such as this. Accordingly, we sold them to Penthouse for a couple of hundred quid but sadly blew the lot in ten minutes playing online Russian Roulette.
Accordingly, we have only Matthew Hepburn left to conclude this lewdity:
Golden Palace teams up with Golden Showers to give live streams? (sorry... maybe podcasts would be a better turn of phrase)
No, live streams works for us. And here, before we finally get to the Hall of Fame, are a few possible recipients of Golden Palace Shower's attentions, according to John Lake and Chris Winpenny:
What about getting all the directors and marketing people tattooed with "I'm a dehumanising, explotative wanker - who works for Golden Palace"
An auction of a dog turd, the winner of which gets to plant it cream-pie like in the face of the CEO of GoldenPalace. Naturally the CEO would have to agree to this but seeing how he's indicated his desire to push the boundaries of advertising and good taste I'm sure he'd be up for it.
Steady on there - these people are just trying to make a living.
So, with the usual roll on the drums and hushed anticipation, here, in no particular order, is our personal pick of the crop. Thanks to all of you who took the time to help out Golden Palace achieve ever greater marketing success:
Hire a thousand black-clad satanic monks to march slowly through the city chanting "Gol-den-pa-lace. Dot. Com." whilst ringing gongs and waving censers of strange incense.
Have Spencer Tunick (http://www.thebluedot.com/tunick/) take a massive group photo of people spelling out GoldenPalace.com Of course all the people will be in the buff. woohoo
If I had a gun (or lived in Texas) I would go door-to-door asking "What's the best online casino?" And if you don't answer "GoldenPalace.com" right away... well, you get a bullet between the eyes. ¿My price? Five minutes with Steve Jobs, gun in hand, to discuss this Intel-inside business =D
I think there may be a real business opportinuty here. how about creeping into coma and care wards at hospitals at night, tatooing the foreheads of the brain dead and notifying local christian right groups about so and so's life support getting turned off.
Supply wafers given during mass, in the shape of casino chips bearing goldenpalace.com on one side and an image of the virgin mary on a toasted sandwich on the other, free to all churches around the world.
GoldenPalace.com branded virginity: "This cherry popped by GoldenPalace.com - exciting at first, but over all-too-soon, leaving behind a bitter, hollow emptiness".
It is clear, as any marketing expert will tell you, that the only way for Golden Palace to go from here would be to round up all the wheelchair bound, some old folk and maybe a few non gamblers from GA to form a human logo in the desert, which when ignited would be viewable from space.
Have they ever considered sticking a banner on, say, a casino. You never know, it seems to go down a storm in Vegas.
Yes, we know we'd award some prizes to the top entries. We're trying to locate the very last of the highly-collectable Reg lapel pins. If the above eight want to bung me an email with their postal details, I'll get back to them when we've got our act together (soon - honest).
For the benefit of Golden Palace - and we know you're reading this - all of the above marketing strategies are the copyright of the respective marketeers and are to be used only after payment of the usual $10k plus $5k towards their kids' education. So, if we find out you've been setting fire to people in wheelchairs out in the desert, there will be trouble, make no mistake.