Welcome to the improved Register Tariff 2001. Our existing customers know that we will do anything for money. Now we've made it even easier for busy executives to avail themselves of this facility. You know it makes sense in today's hectic dog-eat-dog business environment.

All you have to do is select one of our four service levels, set up a standing order and away you go. Every option offers the following customer support and benefits:

• 24/7 helpline
• Member's badge and newsletter
• A carriage clock which is yours to keep
• Lots and lots and lots of free email addresses, free internet access, loads of dotcom shares and a robot that does the washing up
• Regmiles, exchangeable for a range of Vulture Central merchandising
• A lovely card at Xmas

Good for PR companies on a tight budget, the Gold Service delivers the sort of results your clients demand - and fast. For this sort of money we will:

• Write anything you like on the site
• Send a Reg staffer to any corporate lunch, beano or junket (as long as you foot the bill)
• Pretend we like you and are interested in what you're selling

Need a bit more sway down at Vulture Central? Then our Platinum option's the one for you. For mission-critical scenarios in real time, we can give you all of the above plus:

• Removal of any story from the site on demand
• Attendance at any function and 500 kind words on the event pretending that we like you and are interested in what you're selling
• Free t-shirt

For the big swinging dicks of the IT world there is only one choice - Diamond Service. Additional benefits of the Diamond card include:

• Fingering of any mole within your company
• Stories saying anything you like about your competitors, regardless of legality
• A Golden Vulture award for any of your products complete with statuette, signed certificate and accompanying story pretending that we really like you and are really really interested in what you're selling

Has your dotcom gone titsup.com? Stressed out? Been overdoing it on the vodka and Bolivian marching powder? Feeling poorly? No problem. With our Diamond Plus account you can have any Reg staffer's vital organs dispatched to you overnight. Note that we cannot guarantee full functionality of any organ (especially livers) and they are delivered as seen.

Application Form

Feel free to contact us at any time to discuss our service in complete confidence. We still accept alcohol, cigarettes and decent technology in return for occasional one-off deals. Integrity - we've heard of it. ®