We knew that Internet access was a big issue but BT has highlighted the detrimental effects it can have on your health. The inability to control your own sphincters is usually a sign of rabid old age, total fear or heavy intoxication. We're not entirely sure which category BT's Net package Surftime fits into, but then that's hardly likely to bother you if sitting at a PC causes you to soil yourself.

Reader David Watkins contacted us when BT informed him of the dangers. He had complained about the recent poor service and was hastily rushed back a reply: "Dear Mr Watkins, I sincerely apologise for any incontinence caused over the last few weeks due service failures. This has been caused by an unprecedented increase in our customer base since the launch of BT Surftime and advertising campaign. I can assure you that our engineers are doing what they can to ensure a reliable service. I thank you for your patience during this period. Regards, BT Connect Helpdesk."

Concerned that BT's engineers were not medically qualified, David has gone into hiding. He has also cut out the fibre in his diet. ®