Web-headed linguists at Jefferson City, Missouri's Lincoln University have developed an Irish-language curse engine (An tInneal Mallachtaí) for those who wish to spew invective with a minimal risk of being understood anywhere outside of British gaols. Drop-down lists of prospective subjects, verbs and objects in English allow one to concoct novel Irish curses from a three-part menu. Naturally, we were unable to resist mucking about with it, and below offer for our readers' entertainment a few that we generated: May a pitiless bureaucrat gnaw at your investment portfolio. Go gcreime maorlathaí míthrócaireach do chuid infheistíochtaí. May Monica Lewinsky lick your hard disk. Go lí Monica Lewinsky do dhiosca crua. May a pack of drunken Fomorians satirize your manly part. Go n-aora scata Fomhórach ólta do bhall fearga. We think we'll mutter them just audibly next chance we get to pass through Heathrow Immigration from Belfast wearing our favourite bulky trench coat and Tricolour scarf with Starry Plough enrichments. ®