Columnists

I am sending pouting selfies to a robot. Its AI is well buff

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Unfortunately, it can count my laughter lines
Alistair Dabbs, 15 Apr 09:02

BOFH: Sure, I could make your cheapo printer perform miracles

Episode 4 Just as sure as a cattle prod goes BZZZZZT!!!
Simon Travaglia, 08 Apr 11:15

Field technicians want to grab my tool and probe my things

Something for the Weekend, Sir? The TV repair man returns for the IoT age
Alistair Dabbs, 08 Apr 09:07

Which keys should I press to enable the CockUp feature?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Sit in front of this and rotate
Alistair Dabbs, 01 Apr 09:07

Columnist Roll

Verity Stob

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Verity Stob is the pseudonym of a software developer based in London. Since 1988, she has written her "Verity Stob" column for .EXE magazine, Dr. Dobb's Journal and, now, The Register.
London bus photo, by Nando Machado Shutterstock

Alice, Bob and Verity, too. Yeah, everybody's got a story, pal

Stob Once there were a million A&B stories on the Naked Web. Now there are a million-and-one. Alice and Bob are two commonly used placeholder names. They are used for archetypal characters in fields such as cryptography, game theory and physics – Wikipedia I had caught the H[redacted] bus heading east (via Turd Park, Central …
Verity Stob, 07 Mar 2016
Book learning, image via Shutterstock

Learn you Func Prog on five minute quick!

Stob Functional Programming is the great paradigm shift that is sweeping through software development. The object-oriented era of coding is at last drawing to an inevitable and shameful close. We can – and we must! – all join hands and skip gaily into a brave new world, where sloppy state and careless side effects are excised …
Verity Stob, 13 Jan 2016
The existing, human crewed Caterpillar 797B

Health & Safety is the responsibility of Connor's long-suffering girlfriend

Stob Much discussion of health and safety concentrates on the opportunities the discipline affords our little Hitlers to little-Hitle. But when I did some work on an industrial site recently – this is the most relaxing environment to get your head around a mischievous lump of functional JavaScript, by the way, you absolutely must try …
Verity Stob, 16 Mar 2015
Alan Turing (Benedict Cumberbatch) and the Bombe machine

A Bombe Called Christopher, or A Very Poor Imitation

Stob Some weeks ago, on the back of superlative-laced recommendatory posts like this one, I took myself off to the Fosse des Puces high art cinema to see The Imitation Game, the new biopic about Alan "Weird Al" Turing starring Benedict Cumberbatch. Now, I am aware that it is not entirely unknown for Hollywood to apply the odd tweak …
Verity Stob, 26 Jan 2015
George Bush in Game of Thrones

V. R. R. Stob's magnificent saga A Game Of Dog-and-Bones

Stob Laud Satya Nadella stood at the leaded casement of his garret, contemplating the ominous, brooding sky to the south. The flag over the Maeiouster's Hub Complex barely stirred in the still air, so that he could not only see the sigil of his once-proud house - gules and vert oblongs accroupis sur a respectant brace, azure dexter …
Verity Stob, 18 Dec 2014
Uncov chronicles the failure of Web 2.0

Today's bugs have BRANDS? Be still my bleeding heart [logo]

Stob In view of the ongoing security-holed far-too-open source situation, I have decided to convene an emergency meeting of ERCOCC, the El Reg Committee Of Competent Coders, to review what has occurred and how we should go forward. No time for chitter-chattering. Settle down everybody, and juice up the PowerPoint projector please …
Verity Stob, 01 May 2014