Columnists

Switch on your smartphone camera and look how fertile I am

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Come as you are (every seed is sacred)
Alistair Dabbs, 14 Apr 08:00

Machine vs. machine battle has begun to de-fraud the internet of lies

Standards help, too, as we fight to ensure the cost of sharing doesn't outweigh the benefits
Mark Pesce, 10 Apr 06:56

BOFH: Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have

Episode 5 Fires and server crashes also known to work
Simon Travaglia, 07 Apr 11:30

Customer satisfaction is our highest priority… OK, maybe second-highest… or third...

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Read the signs and weep because NO ONE CARES
Alistair Dabbs, 07 Apr 07:58

BOFH: The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'

Episode 4 Putting the shi* into internship
Simon Travaglia, 31 Mar 09:09

Forget robot overlords, humankind will get finished off by IoT

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Your bot looks cute but it's easy to crack
Alistair Dabbs, 31 Mar 08:01

Columnist Roll

Alistair Dabbs

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Alistair Dabbs is a freelance technology tart, juggling IT journalism, editorial training and digital publishing.
Surprised man photo via Shutterstock

Need the toilet? Wanna watch a video ad about erectile dysfunction?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'm off to the toilet. Would you like to join me? Sorry, that's a silly question. Of course you won't join me – I'm a bloke. Young women often go to the washroom in pairs but dudes generally don't, at least not for the purposes that the washroom was originally designed. And if you are a woman, or non-specific gender, I can …
Alistair Dabbs, 28 Apr 2017
The Jetsons Food Machine

(You can't) buy one now! The flying car makes its perennial return

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Stop squeezing my knob. No seriously, I've had enough. "Then you give it a squeeze." OK but not until I'm ready. "You won't get any benefit until you squeeze it," he announces to the dark, crowded room before turning back to me. "Do it now. Go on, give it a quarter-turn to the right." Reluctantly, while everyone else …
Alistair Dabbs, 21 Apr 2017

Switch on your smartphone camera and look how fertile I am

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I have cheerful sperm. This will come as a great relief to Register readers, I'm sure, but no doubt you're wondering: how do I know? Ah well, I have an app for that. Medical researchers at Harvard have developed an inexpensive smartphone attachment that measures male fertility. You can appreciate how facile it must be to …
Alistair Dabbs, 14 Apr 2017
Toilet with smiling loo paper

Customer satisfaction is our highest priority… OK, maybe second-highest… or third...

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Everyone is looking at me as I break into a sweat. "Come on, come on," I mutter to my smartphone but already the harrumphing has begun. Why do English people harrumph when they're impatient? They could shout "Hurry up, fool!" or offer to help. But no, they always prefer to make a guttural hissing sound through their noses, …
Alistair Dabbs, 07 Apr 2017
Robot on road photo via Shutterstock

Forget robot overlords, humankind will get finished off by IoT

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Car horns symphonise accompanied by a chorus of yelling cyclists as I shimmy on foot through oncoming traffic. Strictly, I come dancing on to the tarmac, cavorting between the lanes, prancing out of the way of motorbikes and generally tripping the traffic light fantastic. Moments earlier, I had been cutting capers along the …
Alistair Dabbs, 31 Mar 2017

Why do GUIs jump around like a demented terrier while starting up? Am I on my own?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “For heaven’s sake, stop waggling it in my face! Kuh-rist, keep still! Right – you’ve asked for it!” Alerted by the commotion, colleagues struggle to hold me back as I try to give my computer the damn good kicking it deserves. That’s unfair: the computer itself didn’t deserve such rough treatment. More importantly, it is not …
Alistair Dabbs, 24 Mar 2017

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