Columnists
The software industry: So efficient, we invented shelfware
Have you considered helping customers to stop overspending?
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Are you being robbed of sleep by badly designed servers?
Sysadmin Blog Mornings, nights, they all blur into one for our man Trevor
British bookworms deem Amazon 'evil'
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Chuck away your e-reader - everyone else is
Bitcoins: A GIANT BUBBLE? Maybe, but currency could still be worthwhile
Lessons from tulip-hoarding Dutch speculators of 1634
CIOs: Are you your CEO's business partner or their GIMP?
CIO Blog A Machiavellian guide for the modern CIO
I salute Lady THATCHER - Shoreditch's SILICON GODMOTHER
¡Bong! Investor Steve directs the baroness's funeral
Columnist Roll
- All Columns
- Alistair Dabbs
- BOFH
- Chris Mellor
- Dan Olds
- Dominic Connor
- Matt Asay
- Mike Plant
- Steve Bong
- Tim Worstall
- Trevor Pott
- Verity Stob
Simon Travaglia is the author of BOFH, the Bastard Operator from Hell, the long-running series about a rogue sysadmin. He lives in New Zealand.
BOFH: My HELPDESK HELL - lies, phones lines and statistics
Episode 2 Support call numbers are PLOTTING against me
"I'm just a bit worried about these statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with yet another swadge of meaningless numbers.
"Told you so," I respond.
[FLASHBACK TO A WEEK AGO]
"I'm a bit worried about these weekly statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with a swadge of meaningless numbers …
BOFH: Climb the corp ladder - and use your boss as a bullet shield
Episode 1 Top tips on getting ahead, BOFH-style
"It's like progress bars," I say to the PFY during a discussion about the relative merits of the company management as we ride the lift to the CEO's office to fix some laptop crisis.
"All too often the bar itself bears no relationship whatsoever to the amount of time you're going to wait. In the same way the salary of a manager …
BOFH: Cannot terminate PFY instance... ACCESS DENIED
Episode 14 I trust two people in this world. One is me and the other ain't you
"Have you seen this?" the PFY says, looking up from our revised contract document.
"What?" I ask.
"Did you realise there's a penalty clause in our contract for early termination? We have to give the company 2 YEARS notice of termination of contract?"
"Sounds about right. It works both ways though - they have to give us the …
BOFH: The Great Patch Mismatch
Episode 13 Halon, the noblest of gases
"It's just a minor ROM patch." the service engineer bleats "It'll only take five minutes."
"Yeah... Nah," the PFY says.
"It's minor - just addresses a couple of memory leaks and and cookie issues in the web interface."
"Yeah. Nah," I repeat.
"It's just the interface - the UPS will be completely unaffected!"
"Nope," the PFY …
BOFH: Hasta la Vista... luser
Episode 12 Installing Vista SP2 is like dousing a burning turd
"But I installed Service Pack 2!" our user whines at the PFY.
"Installing SP2 on Windows Vista is like putting out a burning turd. Best possible outcome, you've got a steaming turd!" the PFY snaps.
"But it's so slow!"
"Uh-huh."
"I've got 3 gigs of memory," he sniffles
"Adding memory to Vista is like adding paper to a …
BOFH: Can't you just ... NO, I JUST CAN'T
Episode 11 Taking exception to exceptional exceptions
"EVERYONE IS A F**KING EXCEPTION!" the PFY snarls - beating me to the very same exclamation by nanoseconds.
"What do you mean everyone is an exception?" the Boss asks.
"It's the life of a bloody systems admin, people want you to make exceptions for them!" the PFY shouts. "Passwords, web filters, extra file space. People want us …
