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Oxfam, you're full of FAIL. Leave economics to sensible bods

Five families own more than 20% of the UK do? Rubbish
Tim Worstall, 20 Mar 10:03

Amazon wants me to WEAR NAPPIES?! But I'm a 40-something MAN

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Online retailers might slurp your data but they still don't know jack
Alistair Dabbs, 14 Mar 11:27

Object Storage suppliers: Bikers? Dentists? Or Biker Dentists?

Blocks and Files These rebels need to find a cause, says the Sage of Storage
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Chris Mellor, 13 Mar 08:28

Will the blighters pay this time? Betting big on developers

Comment After lying in a deathlike slumber for years, the developer market is twitching
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Michael Coté, 07 Mar 14:46

How AGILE DIPLOMACY will spike PUTIN'S GUNS

¡Bong! While Crimea teeters on the edge, a plan is being hatched in Shoreditch...
Steve Bong, 07 Mar 12:57

Why can’t I walk past Maplin without buying stuff I don’t need?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Blow me a fuse, darlin’, I got 499 more where that came from
Alistair Dabbs, 07 Mar 10:59

Columnist Roll

Simon Travaglia

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Simon Travaglia is the author of BOFH, the Bastard Operator from Hell, the long-running series about a rogue sysadmin. He lives in New Zealand.

BOFH: It's DANGEROUS to go alone. Take THIS

“I can’t smell anything,” the Boss says, leaning back from his half-consumed plate of the last of the onion bhajis at the staff cafeteria. “Well you wouldn’t, would you?” the PFY says. “Why not?” “Because we’re professionals.” “I’m a professional!” the Boss says defensively. “Please,” the PFY says sadly - but almost kindly …
Simon Travaglia, 29 Nov 2013

BOFH: One flew over the PFY's nest

"He's what I refer to as a... megalotechno," the psychiatrist explains happily to me. "Completely devoted to IT - it's so rare to capture one alive. We've tried to study him of course but he's much too geeky for our standardised aptitude tests." "Mmm," I murmur non-committally, following him through pale green corridors and …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Nov 2013

BOFH: Is WHAT 'running slow'!? GOD

Sometimes it feels like my life consists  mostly of waiting. Long, long periods of waiting. I don't know how much of my time has been spent watching little dots slowly ticking over a monitor as a kernel loads, the moria-like spinning of /-\| characters on the screen while a RAID card configures or the slow crawl of a progress …
Simon Travaglia, 01 Nov 2013
Beginning SQL

BOFH: Go on, beancounter, type DROP TABLE asset;

"Don't put that there," I snap - calmly, but firmly, as a Beancounter goes to drop a chunk of IT detritus on my desk. "What?" he asks, feigning innocence. "That. Don't put it on my desk, it doesn't belong there." "But it's IT equipment!" he bleats. "It's IT crap and it doesn't belong on my desk - any more that real crap …
Simon Travaglia, 31 May 2013

The BOFH is BACK: And it's cloudy with a 90% chance of beatings

"I just need you to go through it for me once," the user whines down the line at me. "You mean once more?" I reply. "Once more?" he snivels. "Yes, as I already went through this with you a few weeks ago. You said you understood, you even wrote something down." "Really - are you sure that was me?" "Positive." "How can you …
Simon Travaglia, 24 May 2013

BOFH: My HELPDESK HELL - lies, phones lines and statistics

"I'm just a bit worried about these statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with yet another swadge of meaningless numbers. "Told you so," I respond. [FLASHBACK TO A WEEK AGO] "I'm a bit worried about these weekly statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with a swadge of meaningless numbers …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Mar 2013