The Register Columnists

Joe Fay

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Joe Fay is group editor of The Register, and The Channel.
Michael Dell, photo: Dell

Cloud will NOT eat the tech industry, Michael Dell declares

Canalys Channels Forum 2016 Michael Dell shrugged off the threat from the public cloud this morning, suggesting that many users will eventually realise running a server on Amazon is a lot more expensive than actually owning one. The Dell Technologies chairman, speaking on stage at the opening of the Canalys Channels Forum EMEA, said the current hype …
Joe Fay, 4 Oct 2016
Paul O' Grady poses with a small dog.

Apple moving to scrubbed up London's Battersea Power Station

Apple is moving into a shiny new HQ at the revamped Battersea Power Station in London – just as soon as developers have finished wrecking rebuilding the iconic Southside brick masterpiece. The owners of the building site have said that Apple will take “ six floors of office space” at the site from 2021, relocating 1400 staff …
Joe Fay, 28 Sep 2016
Image by KUCO http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-111070p1.html

Silicon Valley’s top exorcist rushed off his feet as Demons infest California

A Catholic priest has said virtually all his free time is taken up with exorcisms these days as he struggles to counter the tide of demonic possession washing up Silicon Valley and the rest of Northern California. Father Gary Thomas, together with fellow exorcist Father Vincent Lampert, has been profiled in a lengthy piece in …
Joe Fay, 26 Sep 2016
Strike a match

CA blows on fingers, grasps testing vendor BlazeMeter

Veteran software outfit CA has hoovered up Israeli testing outfit BlazeMeter to burnish its DevOps and testing credentials. The buy is the latest example of CA’s ability to surf the tides of software fashion, which over the last 40 years has seen it waft from mainframe utilities, to PC productivity apps to storage to whatever …
Joe Fay, 21 Sep 2016
Chicken eggs, photo via Shutterstock

Naked, drunken Swede assaults chicken shed after 60th birthday

A Malmo man is facing paying thousands of kronor in damages after attending a friend’s 60th birthday party and ending up crawling naked and bleeding from an elderly woman’s hen house. The elderly poultry rearer in Ikea hometown Älmhult assumed her prize layers were under attack from a marauding fox after a series of noises …
Joe Fay, 20 Sep 2016
Huawei_HQ_black_swan

Intel drafts in troubleshooting veteran for CFO slot

Intel has hired veteran tech CFO and sometime troubleshooter Bob Swan to take over from long-time numbers supremo Stacy Smith. Swan, or to give him his full press release name, Robert “Bob” H Swan, joins from equity outfit General Atlantic, where he was an operating partner. Stacy Smith, “as previously announced, is taking a …
Joe Fay, 20 Sep 2016

GitLab snags VC cash, promises to 'Git-ify' the world

GitLab has pledged to Git-ify the world – or at least make the term an acknowledged verb – after pulling in $20m to fund its plans for building an end-to-end dev collaboration suite. The latest chunk'o’change brings its total funding to $25.6m, and founder and CEO Sid Sijbrandij said the cash would be used to “accelerate …
Joe Fay, 13 Sep 2016

HashiCorp pulls in $24m to build out DevOps infrastructure portfolio

HashiCorp has pulled in $24m in funding, which should give its founders carte blanche to crack open an extra bottle or two at its user conference in Napa, California this week. The DevOps infrastructure outfit has a slightly dizzying portfolio of seven open source tools and parallel “enterprise versions spanning runtime, …
Joe Fay, 8 Sep 2016
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Intel adds vision to its AI vision with computer vision firm buyout

Intel is not just content to build the silicon brains that will power the Rise of the Machines – it is bidding to own their eyes too, with the acquisition of computer vision developer Movidius. Movidius is 11 years old, having been founded in Dublin and transplanted to San Mateo. No price was disclosed, but the 140-strong firm …
Joe Fay, 6 Sep 2016
Man looks at his mobile - mildly surprised or shocked about something. Photo by shutterstock

Atlassian promises frictionless, casual video encounters

Atlassian is adding group video to its HipChat service, but has promised that you can can hit the red button on overeager “collaborators”. For now, anyway. The collaboration vendor has had one-to-one video in its HipChat product for a couple of years, but has reconfigured the service on the Jitsi technology it hoovered up last …
Joe Fay, 18 Aug 2016

Baffled Scots cops call in priest to deal with unruly spirits

Scottish Police have been forced to turn to the Catholic Church after a family in South Lanarkshire were apparently subjected to a campaign of terror by a Chihuahua-levitating poltergeist. According to the Scottish Daily Record, police attended a house in Rutherglen, South Lanarkshire on August 8 and 9, following reports of …
Joe Fay, 15 Aug 2016
Asus S1

Mobile malaise drags down Asus Q2 numbers

Asus has reported a double digit slide in net income for the fourth quarter, highlighting that even overtaking Apple in the computer sales stakes is no golden ticket to world domination. The netbooks and bikinis innovator turned in Q2 net revenues of $NT93.9bn (£2.3bn), a 5 per cent slip on the same period last year, results …
Joe Fay, 12 Aug 2016

Italian MP threatens parents forcing veggie diets on kids with jail

Italian vegetarians and vegans face fines and imprisonment if they attempt to foist their meat and dairy-dodging habits to their offspring, should an Italian politician get her way. Elvira Savino is pushing a bill in Italy’s lower house which would make it a criminal offence to impose a “diet lacking in essential elements for …
Joe Fay, 10 Aug 2016
Engineer aboard Das Boot U-96 responds to telegraphs

Sysadmin-waker PagerDuty targets CEOs and Europeans next

PagerDuty is looking to save CEOs, sales types and Europeans from the tyranny of midnight pagers, under newly swiped CEO Jennifer Tejada. The firm’s Saas-based alert platform has built a business, and arguably a cult following, amongst engineers and support bods, in part because its escalation rules mean they don’t necessarily …
Joe Fay, 8 Aug 2016
Suited operative about to open a barrel of pigeons

West country cops ponder appearance of 40 dead pigeons on A35

Devon and Cornwall police are investigating the mysterious placement of 40 dead pigeons at regular intervals along the the middle of the A35 near Honiton. As well as the police, the RSPB has been called into investigate the overnight appearance of the deceased, no-more, bereft-of-life ex-pigeons, which is just the latest Avian …
Joe Fay, 4 Aug 2016
Spy on the pope with your Jesus phone

All roads lead to Rome as Irish seminary gripped by Grindr scandal

A group of Irish trainee priests are being packed off to Roma, after claims some fathers-in-training at their existing berth in the Emerald Isle had developed a predilection for gay hookup site Grindr. Catholic archbishop of Dublin Diarmuid Martin, has reportedly pulled the diocese’s three trainees from St Patrick’s College, …
Joe Fay, 1 Aug 2016
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Google and Microsoft are playing catchup with AWS's cloudy power

AWS continues to dominate the cloud infrastructure market but Microsoft and Google are growing faster than the book-punting behemoth, research from Canalys shows. None of which will be much comfort to the hardware vendors who have been wrong-footed by the speed at which the cloud has been embraced by their traditional business …
Joe Fay, 29 Jul 2016
Andy Stanford-Clark lecture

Who should deliver our next Reg lecture? You tell us

After another cracking series of summer lectures, we’re planning our next run of talks, and we want you to help us put them together. So whether you want to take the mike, or know someone we simply must speak to, now’s your chance. We’ve had a succession of brilliant speakers over the last couple of years, covering everything …
Joe Fay, 28 Jul 2016

Lowland Scots plunged into panic by marauding ostrich family

Residents of Ayrshire are living in fear of a marauding family of ostriches that have mysteriously appeared in the usually quiet Scots region. The Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals issued an alarming bulletin today, warning residents of the home county of both Biffy Clyro and Nicola Sturgeon that at …
Joe Fay, 27 Jul 2016

World religions stake out positions on Pokemon Go

Pokemon’s potential for precipitating the end of civilization has been starkly highlighted as the world’s major religions begin to take up positions on the game which sees grownups wandering the planet in pursuit of non-existent entities. Time reports that Saudi clerics have taken a stand against the game, reiterating a pre- …
Joe Fay, 22 Jul 2016

Need a Brain Lift? Welcome to the Reg Summer School

Reg Events Whether you’re getting ready to hit the beach, or just hit the sofa, holidays needn’t necessarily mean turning off your brain for the summer. But how to keep the grey cells ticking over while you’re topping up your tan - or just your gin and tonic? Well, you could do worse than dip into our repository of Register lectures, …
Joe Fay, 21 Jul 2016
red_hat_648

Red Hat redraws Ansible Tower so even enterprise managers can get it

Red Hat has given its Ansible Tower a good scrubbing down before smoothing the UI to better penetrate big money corporate accounts. Tower is Red Hat’s paid for version of the open source Ansible automation platform, effectively a GUI and services package around the core product. Well, we say GUI, but Tower 3.0, released today …
Joe Fay, 20 Jul 2016
Andy Stanford-Clark lecture

Reg readers head to pub to hear about the digital home

Reg Lecture Every inventor wants to build a better moustetrap, so it’s no surprise that IBM master inventor Andy Stanford-Clark make sure he applied his IoT expertise to inflicting mayhem on his unwanted mursine visitors. This was just one example deployed at his recent Register Summer Lecture. No one wants a dead mouse stinking up the …
Joe Fay, 20 Jul 2016
Welders wearing protective clothing fixing welding and grinding industrial construction oil and gas or water and sewerage plumbing pipeline outside on site. Photo by Andrea Slatter/Shutterstock

Electric Cloud offers cautious corporates Canary choice

Electric Cloud has promised a raft of new deployment options in the latest release of its application deployment platform as it looks to bring the joy of DevOps to even the most crusty and sprawling customers. The San Jose-based firm is one of the most vocal standard bearers for DevOps and Continuous Delivery, and having …
Joe Fay, 20 Jul 2016
Giant Pikachu Pokemon balloon flown at the 89th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on Columbus Circle. EDITORIAL USE ONLY. Photo credit: Lev Radin / Shutterstock.com

Blighty's Coastguard goes into battle against waterborne Pokemon

Suspicions are rising that Pokemon Go is some sort of massive Darwinian experiment, after HM Coastguard was forced to warn the UK populace about the dangers of attempting to capture waterborne varieties of the non-existence pocket monsters. The coastguard said that early this morning, it was “was called to investigate reports …
Joe Fay, 19 Jul 2016

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