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Otto Z. Stern

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Otto Z. Stern possibly dead at 57

And Ninthly Friends, fans, tireless proles who hope for just a taste of all I've enjoyed - I must bid you "goodbye" or at least "see you later." After years writing The Register's most penetrating pieces on technology and society, I'm putting down the pen and picking up the sword. Well, in fact, I'm picking up a Haggenrozzle 2980 earth …
Otto Z. Stern, 20 Aug 2008
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Yahoo! deflects Microsoft bid with iPhone dominatrix

And Ninthly Shortly before nightfall, the small man emerged from his house, checked on his goats and prayed. His most pressing plea to the higher power? Stop the clowns from scaring his children and stop his children from scaring the goats - Julio Stantore, The Diving Bell and the Cabrito Buffet A number of organs today filled their pages …
Otto Z. Stern, 05 Mar 2008
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Bill Gates lives inside of Facebook CEO

And Ninthly I'm so very disappointed in all of you. The classic line paraded in the mainstream press is that Microsoft has missed out on the Web 2.0 Experience. Google, MySpace, CredNodge and all the rest have beat the great giant - the last bastion of pure, honest capitalism. Even worse, you're sure that Bill Gates has given up on …
Otto Z. Stern, 15 Jan 2008
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Beware the populist mash oozing out of Facebook and YouTube

And Ninthly Yep. It felt just like that, didn't it? For scenario one, place your tongue between teeth. Let your tongue relax and give it a few strict but not too rough clamps with the teeth. While repeating this exercise, imagine that your mouth - no, make that your head - has filled with some manner of corn mash. Not just any old corn mash …
Otto Z. Stern, 10 Jan 2008
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Golf and Intel Inside China threaten life as we know it

And Ninthly The decadence of the new age crushed Johnny Stumpy's spirit. He'd always thought of himself as a noble vagabond, a street-licker with virtue. Then, the old man pounded him in the head with a mallet made of gold, and Johnny's dreams died. Stumpy got stumped. - The Devil Wears Sleeveless Ts by Julio Stantore Alright. It's time to …
Otto Z. Stern, 13 Jul 2007
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Yahoo!'s pink liberation army a threat to America's youth

And Ninthly Stunted by the eclipse of justice, Little Johnny Walker made his way over to the piano. He played a sad tune. One full of preambles, bees and summer vegetables. It made the women of the night cry, and the men of strong moral fiber tense. Jesus breathed easier that night. We all did. A Butter Dish for Beelzebub by Julio Stantore …
Otto Z. Stern, 23 Jun 2007
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If Google is a Russian spy op, when will it buy U-Haul?

And Ninthly He sat on one side of a blanket hung across the kitchen, and Smith sat on the other with his translation stones, intoning through the blanket. As if to make this an even happier scene, Harris was warned that if he tried to glimpse the plates, or look at the prophet, he would be struck dead - God is not Great by Christopher …
Otto Z. Stern, 24 May 2007
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Remembering Anna Nicole Smith and her impact on the American Dream

And ninthly I once thought about spawning with Anna Nicole Smith. Offers were made. But, in the end, a $400m baby seemed like too much of a burden for such a simple man with such simple tastes. Decency - that's what I'm all about. That's what I preach - Tales of Lord Astor and other Great Valentine's Day Gifts, Julio Stantore It was easy …
Otto Z. Stern, 09 Feb 2007
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Bloggers turn to Sadville to fabricate child traumas

And ninthly Was Daniel Sadville a knight with a moral compass wound tight or one of those pagan spiritualists out to make a huckster from anything that moved? That's what the audience wanted to know - just before they pulled out the tomatoes and the jackhammers - Julio Stantore, Large Gland Weeping My recent "How to help bloggers restore …
Otto Z. Stern, 29 Nov 2006
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Wireless lobby paves the wave for reduced DUI fines

And ninthly Colonel Riley spent most of that week pretending to be a baby blue whale. His friends did not seem to mind, and neither did the real whales. As a whale, Riley was cheerful, agile and smooth. Things only turned ugly when he tried to swallow 20,000 gallons of brine in a single gulp with the help of a device of his own design. …
Otto Z. Stern, 06 Oct 2006
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Turning Che Guevara into a GIF for therapy

And ninthly How do you follow up an album that was a massive - if unexpected - hit? Since its 2004 debut, Hot Fuss has gone platinum over five times and has been released in nearly every format in every country. On their road-weary follow-up, Sam's Town, the Killers stay focused and maintain their epic sounds; the album's powerful surges of …
Otto Z. Stern, 15 Aug 2006
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America's libido can't afford a Bill Gates University

And ninthly Here are a few farmers in trucks buying up supplies and groceries and transacting a little business. At ten o'clock the women come in armies, with shopping bags, their children trailing alongside. The bars open, men gulp a morning beer, the bartender mops the mahogany, there's a smell of clean soap, beer, old wood, and cigar …
Otto Z. Stern, 14 Jul 2006
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The US soccer team will always stink

And ninthly One might also say: Surely the owner of the visual room would have to be the same kind of thing as it is; but he is not to be found in it, and there is no outside - Ludwig Wittgenstein If Thomas Friedman's mustache understands so damned much, then why is America's soccer program such an embarrassment? This question has plagued …
Otto Z. Stern, 16 Jun 2006
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Mexicans are not smart or fragrant enough to defeat the Asian peril

Stern response Last week, I wrote about the need for the likes of Wal-Mart and Dell to set up engineering and computer science training centers in Mexico. This proposal - which is the only way the US can defeat the growing Asian peril - has been well received. Many of you, however, have raised questions about the intellectual prowess of our …
Otto Z. Stern, 03 Mar 2006
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America can lick the Asian peril by training Mexican smarties

And ninthly We will add that the working class in the United States, because of its high standard of living, does not clearly see the contradictions existing in US society. To the US working class, these contradictions, which are blunted, appear incomprehensible and they cannot gain clear consciousness of their own exploitation as long as …
Otto Z. Stern, 24 Feb 2006
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You can't be an Alpha male in a Beta culture

And ninthly Through the aesthetic modulation of the psyche, then, the autonomy of reason is already opened up within the domain of sense itself, the dominion of sensation already broken within its own frontiers, and the physical man refined to the point where spiritual man only needs to start developing out of the physical according to the …
Otto Z. Stern, 03 Feb 2006
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Readers revolted and joyous that Jimmy Wales lives

Stern response The globules tried hard to find inaccuracies in my obituary for Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. Despite the "rigor" of the citizen journalists' investigations, they failed to discover a single error in the piece. This goes to show that a trained professional will always outclass amateurs. The only part of the obituary that may …
Otto Z. Stern, 30 Dec 2005
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My dead, much mourned friend: Jimmy Wales

And ninethly Justice is the plight of the small man and the emblem of democracy. After all, you won't find Kris Kristofferson playing darts in a bar unless there are weighty issues involved. I salute Kris and others like him who pursue honor, dignity, accuracy and fairness at all costs - Julio Stantore The Inundated Comptroller Press …
Otto Z. Stern, 17 Dec 2005
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Linux zealots proud to be as miserable as planes

Stern response What's the difference between an open source zealot and a 747? That's how one of the more famous jokes in the technology industry begins, and we explored the underpinnings of the laugher in my astonishing column penned last month. Slow planes stink. Crap pieces of open source code stink just as much. All it took was me pointing …
Otto Z. Stern, 12 Dec 2005
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The only thing worse than flying is open source code

And ninthly Worn down with labors from morning to night, and day to day; knowing them as fruitless to others as they are vexatious to myself, committed singly and in desperate and eternal contest against a host who are systematically undermining the public liberty and prosperity, even the rare hours of relaxation sacrificed to the society …
Otto Z. Stern, 29 Nov 2005
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Fears rise as Google tries to emulate Microsoft

Stern response I have faced the giant and won. That much is clear from your letters related to my incisive analysis last week, exploring Google's ills. Only sadists really like this company, while the rest of us approach it with caution. Do we need another choke point on the flow information? I don't think so. Having Google dominate the …
Otto Z. Stern, 18 Nov 2005
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Big Google is much worse than Big Oil

And ninethly Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency - Raymond Chandler Keep your friends close and your herpes closer. That's a maxim I've always lived by. I've found it to be rewarding, and suggest you adopt it as well. Plenty of groups often forget who their friends, enemies or …
Otto Z. Stern, 11 Nov 2005
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Geeks agree - 'We need to dress better'

Stern response I've been so pleased with the reaction to my piece last month entitled CEOs should follow NBA and make geeks wear real clothes. It's very rewarding to have your public justify insightful positions by heaping praise. I'll admit that not everyone saw the raw genius in my proposal, and in the spirit of open dialogue, I'll print …
Otto Z. Stern, 04 Nov 2005
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'Replace CEOs with cans of beets'

FoTW Just to prepare you all for the joy that lies ahead later this week when we publish the complete Stern Response mailbag, I've decided to issue this flame in its full, unedited glory. Now you know what I have to deal with on a daily basis. RE: CEOs should follow NBA and make geeks wear real clothes Hey, shit for (what might be …
Otto Z. Stern, 01 Nov 2005
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CEOs should follow NBA and make geeks wear real clothes

And ninethly Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society - Mark Twain The collision of professional sports and IT tends to embarrass both camps. It happens most often with techie advertisements surrounding sporting events. Or sometimes you'll see a jock with an iPod or BlackBerry in hand. Conversely, you could …
Otto Z. Stern, 25 Oct 2005
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My prostate's as hard as an opal and ready to conquer Web 2.0

And ninethly And seat-belts on because the most common observation in the hallways--made with tremble of panic--is that it's deja vu all over again. The workshops are jammed, the coffee-pots drained, and the massive central auditorium turning mobs away at the doors. Here's to praying that the exuberance is not a herald of rough times ahead …
Otto Z. Stern, 08 Oct 2005
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First the terrorists, now the GOP. Why IT is against me

And ninethly We bought the son of a bitch and then he didn't stay bought - Henry Clay Frick Desperation doesn't begin to describe my state. When the first bombing blog hit on July 7, I ran to Emergency Chamber 3 with incredible speed. Sadly, I realized a number of essentials were not present in in the Chamber - an oversight from the last …
Otto Z. Stern, 27 Jul 2005
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Apple zealots pay thousands to be saved from themselves

Stern response Let me apologize for taking so very long to report back to you all about the iLemming camp that I opened earlier this month, after Apple announced it would sell out on a massive scale and use Intel chips. Things have been rather hectic, as the camp turned out to be more popular than even I expected. So far, I've made close to $ …
Otto Z. Stern, 30 Jun 2005
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'Think Again' camp opens for wounded Apple iLemmings

And ninethly I do not want my house to be walled in on all sides and my windows to be stuffed. I want the cultures of all the lands to be blown about my house as freely as possible. But I refuse to be blown off my feet by any. I refuse to live in other people's houses as an interloper, a beggar or a slave. Religion is a matter of the heart …
Otto Z. Stern, 13 Jun 2005
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The French can spell 'Doom'

And ninethly The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom - Guy de Maupassant Jacques called me two weeks ago in a panicked state. He needed an incredible amount of help to pull off a "yes" vote on the EU constitution. He needed the counsel of a genius political observer and ultimate …
Otto Z. Stern, 31 May 2005
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When will RIAA's Rosen respond to Otto's love note?

Stern response It has been more than a week since I asked former RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) Chairman Hilary Rosen out on a date. She has yet to respond. This makes me wonder if The Register isn't ALL the publication management claimed it to be. My words are precious, and I'll not send them into a vacuum. The delivery, …
Otto Z. Stern, 24 May 2005
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How Hilary Rosen learned to stop suing and hate Apple's iPod

And ninethly The young often when they have learnt all they can learn accuse her of an inordinate pride. She says yes of course. She has always known it and now she says it - Gertrude Stein The boring, tired adage states that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. As a middle-aged freedom fighter, I've always taken offense at this notion. …
Otto Z. Stern, 13 May 2005
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California hippies protect cats at our Peril!

Stern response Cringe. Up to this point, I've left any correspondence concerning my insights to be hashed out between you - the readers - and our own, scrumptious Lucy Sherriff. As the world's pre-eminent technology patriot, I have but a few minutes per day to waste on emails or, to be frank, explaining where many of you went wrong. Recent …
Otto Z. Stern, 01 May 2005
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Sniping bloggers can keep America safe from terrorists and cats!

And ninethly When modern imperial ideologies have dehumanized you and modern enterprises have exploited your labor, post colonial situations become occasions to assert your sense of self and culture, even when doing so appears backward to those who have been riding your back - Cornel West Recent events have left me questioning our …
Otto Z. Stern, 22 Apr 2005
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Blocking online cigarette sales threatens us all

And ninethly Smokers don't like being told what to do, particularly by people who don't understand why they smoke and dismiss smokers as mere idiots - Allen Carr With April 15 nearing, I spent the better part of Tuesday hovering over my paper shredder. As the Executive Machines EPS-825X hummed away, thoughts of Aunt Margaret kept popping …
Otto Z. Stern, 08 Apr 2005
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Why Fiorina wasn't the right man for the HP CEO post

And ninethly Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one's self-respect. For jealous people, like dope-fiends, stoop to the lowest level and in the end inspire only disgust and loathing - Emma Goldman There's nothing sexist about admitting defeat. Congratulations to HP's board for recognizing …
Otto Z. Stern, 01 Apr 2005