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Joe Fay

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Joe Fay is group editor of The Register, and The Channel.
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Oracle goes in hard on Google Java suit

Oracle has updated its patent infringement suit against Google. Now the enterprise software corporation has point-blank accused the ad broker of directly copying its Java code, according to reports. According to InfoWorld, the originally vague suit now includes specific examples of code that Oracle claims Google had filched to …
Joe Fay, 28 Oct 2010
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Hells Angels slap London dressmakers with trademark suit

The Hells Angels are apparently going to war with British fashion house Alexander McQueen after accusing the couturiers of infringing on their trademarks. The California-based motorcycle club, whose fearsome reputation includes the sudden and brutal application of trademark lawyers, believes the dressmakers, and its retailers, …
Joe Fay, 28 Oct 2010
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Bus spotter admits £11k database fees fraud

A Suffolk man has admitted to defrauding his employer of £11,000 to indulge his pastime of bus-spotting. Steven Curl, 45, ran up a bill of £10,983 in credit check fees over two years while working at insurance giant AXA, Ipswich Crown Court was told. The East Anglian Daily Times reports that the charabanc fanatic exploited his …
Joe Fay, 27 Oct 2010
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UK border police seize £500k from Nigerians' hand luggage

The UK's border police were patting themselves on the back today after seizing over half a million quid in cash from the hand luggage of two Nigerian men at Heathrow Airport. Border Agency officers discovered the cash as the men tried to enter the UK through Heathrow last week, after flying in from Paris. The men said the money …
Joe Fay, 26 Oct 2010
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Sony hits stop on Walkman tape players

Sony is ditching the groundbreaking Walkman cassette player in its home market, 30 years after first launching its assault on the hearing of teens and the patience of the people sat next to them. The electronics giant said that demand for the serial crinkly recording format had nosedived in Japan. "There is still demand in …
Joe Fay, 25 Oct 2010
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Google says hardly any Germans opt out of Street View

Google has said that just 2.89 per cent of German households have asked for their homes to be taken off Street View - but sadly it will not be able to oblige all of them when it launches in the country next month. Street View has unaccountably gotten up the noses of privacy groups, householders and random street drunks worldwide …
Joe Fay, 21 Oct 2010
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Penthouse founder Guccione dead at 79

Bob Guccione, the man who founded Penthouse and brought full frontal nudity close to the mainstream, if not firmly into it, has died at the age of 79. Guccione lost a long fight with cancer yesterday, Adult Video News reports, and died at the Plano Specialty Hospital in Texas. AVN recounts that the American-born Guccione was …
Joe Fay, 21 Oct 2010
arrow pointing up

SMEs, tech vendors scrabble for morsels of comfort in CSR

George Osborne left small business lobbyists spluttering today over the lack of an explicit commitment to helping SMEs in the Comprehensive Spending Review. Meanwhile, tech vendors reacted with a flurry of pre-canned statements, mainly claiming that their products and services are just the thing to help hard-pressed public …
Joe Fay, 20 Oct 2010
channel

Dixons risks future of humanity with Star Wars-themed ads

Dixons has put the future of humanity at risk by beaming a series of ads featuring Star Wars refugees C-3PO and R2-D2 into deep space. The campaign touts its Currys and PCWorld chains. The electronics chain's latest ads will feature the droid pair - including original C-3PO actor Anthony Daniels - breaking into one of the chain' …
Joe Fay, 20 Oct 2010
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Vatican confirms Simpsons as Catholics

The Vatican has declared that the Simpsons are a fine example of the Catholic ideal, and given parents the green light to let their kids watch the animated show. The declaration, in Vatican in-house mag Osservatore Romano, confirms both an earlier paean to the show, and the Simpsons' own onscreen conversion a few years ago. The …
Joe Fay, 19 Oct 2010
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'Condom in my Whopper' man pulls case

A Vermont man has dropped a lawsuit he filed which claimed he had bitten into a Burger King Whopper and found himself chewing an unwrapped condom. Van Miguel Hartless said he bought the Southwestern Whopper from a Burger King in Rutland, Vermont, in 2007. Instead of succulent meat, crispy lettuce and tangy southwestern sauce, …
Joe Fay, 18 Oct 2010
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Man wins $650k for stripper shoe eye snafu

A South Florida man is $650,000 richer after successfully suing a strip club, having been injured when a lap dancer poked him in the eye with a stiletto (heel). Michael Ireland was left with a punctured eye socket, broken facial bones and permanent double vision after the 2008 incident at the Cheetah club in West Palm Beach. …
Joe Fay, 15 Oct 2010
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Florida cops tase naked jogger

Florida police tased a 18-year-old this week after spotting him going for a jog wearing nothing but a pair of swimming goggles. West Melbourne Police officer Ken Sells spotted Zak Anthony King out for what appeared to be an early Monday morning constitutional. However, Sells quickly realised King was stark naked, save for a pair …
Joe Fay, 14 Oct 2010
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Manchester cops hit Twitter - spoof feeds fall down stairs

Greater Manchester Police decided to show the world just how tough it is policing England's third city by tweeting every report it receives for 24 hours. The results so far tell a story of stretched resources, organisational confusion, police communications hijacked by criminals and pranksters, and coppers ending up in jail - …
Joe Fay, 14 Oct 2010
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Almost a quarter of Europeans can't be bothered with the net

The European Commission is renewing its effort to get every European hooked up to the net - whether they want to or not. The Commission's latest study into Europeans' digital world showed that 43 per cent of EU households "still do not have internet access". This, the Commission believes, is simply not good enough. It notes …
Joe Fay, 13 Oct 2010
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Distressed cock whipped out of wheelie bin

Animal lovers have lashed out at 'callous criminals' who left a cockerel trapped in a wheelie bin. The Telegraph reports the outrage today, adding that it has raised fears of a wave of copycock cat animal/wheelie bin outrages. Freddie the cockerel was apparently scooped out of a wheelie bin at a block of flats in Gloucester on …
Joe Fay, 07 Oct 2010
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Bulgarians bag German pair for pinching panzer

A pair of Germans found guilty of stealing a World War II panzer were given jail sentences in a Bulgarian court yesterday. Thomas Gmeiner, 36, received four years while Matheus Mayer, 67, was given three years suspended for stealing the tank, and attempting to steal another. However, the pair were tried and convicted in …
Joe Fay, 07 Oct 2010
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Man enraged by sagging pants pops cap in teen's ass

A Memphis man driven to distraction by the low-riding pants of two youths is facing aggravated assault charges after popping a cap into one of the exposed asses in question. Kenneth E Bonds had become incensed by the clothing of a pair of teenagers he spotted walking through his neighbourhood. The teens were sporting fashionably …
Joe Fay, 06 Oct 2010
channel

Apple's iPad is the hotcake of the 21st century

The iPad is set to become the fastest ever selling electronic device, according to estimates by US investment analysts. Retail analysts at Bernstein Research have apparently declared that iPad sales' rates - 4.5 million units per quarter - have surpassed that of the DVD, previously the fastest adopted non-phone technology, …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Spuds for laptop fraudsters strike in Huntingdon

The potatoes for laptop bait-and-switch fraudsters have been at it again, relieving a couple in Huntingdon of £650 in exchange for a bag of spuds and a few bits of cardboard. BBC Cambridgeshire reports that the unfortunate couple were approached in Huntington High Street last week by a man supposedly punting a second-hand laptop …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Hiberno-mooner stalks Google Street View

Google is struggling to keep up with the Hibernian moons plaguing its Street View Ireland service. Last Friday we reported how the Irish Times had uncovered a brace of of buttock jiggling jackeens in Dublin, prompting Google to quickly apply its vanishing cream to the offending buttocks. No sooner had they managed that than …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Tony Curtis goes to grave with iPhone

Tony Curtis went to his grave packing an iPhone yesterday, his family have revealed. The veteran film star who famously said "I'm Spartacus" and likened snogging Marilyn Monroe to "kissing Hitler" was honoured at a public funeral service in Las Vegas yesterday. The 400-strong crowd at the funeral service thinned out to 200 for …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Flakey scales brand Commonwealth boxers bunch of blobs

The Commonwealth Games boxing tournament collapsed into farce today as official scales delivered wildly inconsistent readings and declared virtually every fighter overweight. Fighters who had been given readings above their weight class at the Delhi weigh-in rushed to sweat off extra pounds, with frantic runs, gym sessions or …
Joe Fay, 04 Oct 2010
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Ireland gives Google traditional pogue mahone greeting

Google Maps Ireland went live yesterday, and it took the cream of Ireland's media just minutes to find the first pic of a pair of Dubliners baring their hairy arses to Mountain View's all seeing eye. The Irish Times found this pair of moon-bummed jackeens, who had ambushed the Google car on Dublin's Ballinteer drive. The car …
Joe Fay, 01 Oct 2010
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ToryDems nearly swallow Labour blueprint of equality for all

The former Labour government's Equality Act 2010 mainly came into force today, prompting howls of pain from employers' groups. It's hard to imagine the ToryDems like the whole of the act, but they've decided to lump most of it. Indeed they shelved the original timetable for the act, keeping back key parts they disagree with. …
Joe Fay, 01 Oct 2010
For Sale sign detail

Tech firms promise EU they might cut electricity use

The EU claimed it had strong-armed another 16 ICT firms into putting their names to an effort to reduce electricity consumption in their broadband kit and datacentres. Brussels has declared that the firms' commitment could lead them to reduce their leccy consumption by as much as 50 per cent, should they subsequently not ignore …
Joe Fay, 29 Sep 2010
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Monkey squad sent in to secure Commonwealth Games

Indian authorities have drafted in a crack troop of monkeys to guard foreign athletes amidst the ongoing carnage of the Delhi Commonwealth Games. AFP reports that New Delhi council has drafted in ten langur monkey handlers fielding as many as 38 of the fearsome primates. While the key image of the Games so far is of overflowing …
Joe Fay, 28 Sep 2010
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iPhone fanbois run off road in CoolBrand race

Fanbois will be crying tears of frustration over their iPhones today at the revelation they no longer possess the UK's most coveted product. The CoolBrands survey, which delineates the most desirable consumer brands, has declared Aston Martin is this year's coolest brand, driving the iPhone off the number one spot. Apple fans …
Joe Fay, 28 Sep 2010
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Christian group declares jct 9 on M25 cursed

A group of Christian evangelicals has declared junction 9 of the M25 "hexed" and is staging regular prayer meetings to cleanse the benighted interchange. According to the Surrey Advertiser, Gerald Coates of the Pioneer Engage Church in Leatherhead has attributed a rash of accidents and footbridge suicides around the junction to …
Joe Fay, 27 Sep 2010
fingers pointing at man

Blockbuster winds itself into Chapter 11

Ageing slackers everywhere will be crying into their caramel popcorn today at the news that Blockbuster has slipped into Chapter 11 before forgetting what they were doing and walking over to the fridge for some cold pizza. The video rental chain, which was an essential part of early 1990s sofa culture, finally flaked out under …
Joe Fay, 23 Sep 2010
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Ad touts benefits of pubic school to South Benders

A billboard praising South Bend, Indiana's Public Schools last week missed a crucial ingredient - the letter L. The digital ad, which was promoting the southbendon.com website, went up last Thursday. One of its rotating messages encouraged motorists to go to the website to find out the "15 best things about our pubic schools". …
Joe Fay, 23 Sep 2010
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Swedes brew up 18.5 per cent 'Ace of Spades Porter'

A Swedish brewery has concocted a tipple that packs an impressive 18.5 per cent alcohol content, giving the country's citizens something to conclusively celebrate in the wake of an a depressingly inconclusive election. The recipe for Sigtuna Brygghus' Ace of Spades Imperial Stout includes fresh figs, raisins, honey and almost …
Joe Fay, 22 Sep 2010
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Paris brushes off Japanese ejection over coke bust

Paris Hilton was barred from entering Japan this morning after a six hour grilling by immigration officials curious about her position on nose candy. The talented model/actress/heiress, was stopped at Tokyo airport on Tuesday when she attempted to enter the country to promote her fashion and fragrance lines. Apparently Hilton …
Joe Fay, 22 Sep 2010
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Samoan clerics finger homosexuals over global warming

Clerics in the South Pacific have fingered the key cause of climate change - homosexuals. The revelation came at a conference at the University of the South Pacific considering the implications of Climate Change and Creativity. Academics were apparently thrown off their consideration of "Arts in the Age of Global Warming" and " …
Joe Fay, 21 Sep 2010
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Indiana judges dismiss girl's nipple exposure appeal

A court has ruled that women's nipples do not enjoy freedom of expression under the US Constitution. The case was brought by a 16 year old girl, who was one of three women accused of exposing their breasts to passing traffic on an Indianapolis street last year. She would have faced a misdemeanour charge of public nudity if she …
Joe Fay, 21 Sep 2010
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Steve Jobs chops student hack down to size

Steve Jobs may not be a ninja, but when an over-enthusiastic journalism student had the temerity to email him to complain about Apple's less than helpful press office last week, he quickly chopped her down to size. The Guardian splendidly reports that Chelsea Isaacs, a journalism student at Long Island University was tasked with …
Joe Fay, 20 Sep 2010
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Florida cops left stoned stunned by pot-filled SUV

A Florida Road Ranger was left holding his nose last week when an unconscious driver turned out to be packing 100lbs of pot plant. The ranger apparently spotted the Chevy Tahoe pulled over on the median of the Pametto Expressway in Doral last Thursday, MSNBC reported. As he approached the car he noticed that the driver appeared …
Joe Fay, 20 Sep 2010
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Pope makes central London no-go zone for BT engineers

Based in Central London? Broadband looking a little flaky this afternoon? You better look to heaven for help, as Openreach won't be doing any callouts in the centre of Capital for the foreseeable future due to Pope-related congestion. That apparently is the gospel according to telecoms provider 2Circles, which told customers …
Joe Fay, 17 Sep 2010
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Social Schmidt eyes up Facebook integration

Eric Schmidt took a passive-aggressive stance towards Facebook yesterday as he outlined the search'n'ads giant's plans for social networking. Speaking at the Zeitgeist conference in Arizona, Schmidt said Google's product lineup would get more social networking add-ons by the end of this year. According to sources quoted by the …
Joe Fay, 15 Sep 2010
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Steve Jobs no ninja, says Apple

Apple has denied that Steve Jobs is a ninja and dismissed reports that he was stopped at a Japanese airport with a set of throwing death stars in his hand luggage. But before Jobs' more paranoid rivals in Silicon Valley relax, they should consider that this is exactly the sort of corporate response you'd expect to the revelation …
Joe Fay, 15 Sep 2010
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Steve Jobs carried 'ninja throwing stars' in hand luggage

Steve Jobs has vowed never to visit Japan again after being prevented from leaving the country with a set of ninja throwing stars, according to a local magazine. The Apple CEO apparently had a set of shuriken in his carry-on luggage when he was returning from a family vacation by private jet in July, according to SPA magazine …
Joe Fay, 14 Sep 2010
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Harry Potter theme park magically swallows big visitors

The operators at the Harry Potter Theme Park are busily enlarging the attraction's key ride after finding that it is a little too snug for many visitors. Universal Orlando announced on Monday it was "adjusting" the harnesses on its Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey ride, in which robotic arms whirl carloads of punters …
Joe Fay, 14 Sep 2010
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Transport Dept's answer to embarrassing, cancelled IT projects?

The Department of Transport has maintained a clean sheet on wasteful and abortive IT projects, by opting not to record any such SNAFUs. Opposition MPs have been making a sport of asking the ToryDem government for details of messed up IT projects - often disingenuously given it was the previous Labour government that initiated …
Joe Fay, 14 Sep 2010
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Naturist club objects to erection of five storey tower block

Members of a Surrey naturist club have reacted with fury to plans to build a tower block which would overlook their clothes-free sanctuary. The 70-year-old White House Club, which has 300 members on its books, is objecting in the strong possible terms to the proposed erection of a five story block which would overlook its …
Joe Fay, 13 Sep 2010
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Office for Mac finally breaks out of Microsoft

Microsoft Office for Mac 2011 finally escaped Redmond and went to manufacturing last week, meaning Apple users get a fresh productivity suite just two years after their Windows-based counterparts. The software should hit the streets next month, with anyone buying the previous version between now and then entitled to a free …
Joe Fay, 13 Sep 2010
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Playboy centrefold freaks out at 10,000 feet

A Playboy centrefold took fellow plane passengers' breath away last week when she apparently tried to open the door on a plane flight from Florida to New York. Tiffany Livingston, 21 and 5' 6", reportedly bolted from her seat and grabbed the cabin door in an apparent attempt to open the cabin door on the Jet Blue flight. The …
Joe Fay, 13 Sep 2010
Bacon inhaler

Bacon thief leaves rasher on door knob

Surrey police are hunting a burglar who broke into a house in Redhill, Surrey and swiped a packet of bacon - except for a single rasher left chillingly draped over the front door handle. As well as clearing the family's fridge of their salty pork belly breakfast meat, in the early hours of September 4, the thief also swiped a …
Joe Fay, 09 Sep 2010
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Think tank rages at NHS' £700 bill for fertility clinic porn

A right-leaning Health think tank has condemned the NHS for spending £700 a year on porn to assist male visitors to fertility clinics to produce samples. 2020health.org called for an immediate ban on the provision of such material, and suggested if men can't produce samples by willpower alone that they should produce their …
Joe Fay, 08 Sep 2010
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Eric Schmidt warns Berliners: 'We know where you are'

Eric Schmidt did his best to raise the bar on his harshest critics yesterday, by telling an audience in Berlin that "we know where you are, we know what you like". A week after the US www.consumerwatchdog.org launched a campaign portraying Schmidt as a "privacy pervert", the Google CEO chose an audience in Germany to deliver a …
Joe Fay, 08 Sep 2010
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Jobs takes swing at Google over Android activations

Google and Apple's bush war flared up again as Steve Jobs apparently cast aspersions over Android's activation numbers as he unveiled Apple's latest iPod and TV scrub-up yesterday. During his discourse, Jobs said that the iPhone OS was seeing around 230,000 activations a day. Crucially he said these were all new activations, …
Joe Fay, 02 Sep 2010