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Joe Fay

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Joe Fay is group editor of The Register, and The Channel.
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Almost a quarter of Europeans can't be bothered with the net

The European Commission is renewing its effort to get every European hooked up to the net - whether they want to or not. The Commission's latest study into Europeans' digital world showed that 43 per cent of EU households "still do not have internet access". This, the Commission believes, is simply not good enough. It notes …
Joe Fay, 13 Oct 2010
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Distressed cock whipped out of wheelie bin

Animal lovers have lashed out at 'callous criminals' who left a cockerel trapped in a wheelie bin. The Telegraph reports the outrage today, adding that it has raised fears of a wave of copycock cat animal/wheelie bin outrages. Freddie the cockerel was apparently scooped out of a wheelie bin at a block of flats in Gloucester on …
Joe Fay, 07 Oct 2010
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Bulgarians bag German pair for pinching panzer

A pair of Germans found guilty of stealing a World War II panzer were given jail sentences in a Bulgarian court yesterday. Thomas Gmeiner, 36, received four years while Matheus Mayer, 67, was given three years suspended for stealing the tank, and attempting to steal another. However, the pair were tried and convicted in …
Joe Fay, 07 Oct 2010
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Man enraged by sagging pants pops cap in teen's ass

A Memphis man driven to distraction by the low-riding pants of two youths is facing aggravated assault charges after popping a cap into one of the exposed asses in question. Kenneth E Bonds had become incensed by the clothing of a pair of teenagers he spotted walking through his neighbourhood. The teens were sporting fashionably …
Joe Fay, 06 Oct 2010
channel

Apple's iPad is the hotcake of the 21st century

The iPad is set to become the fastest ever selling electronic device, according to estimates by US investment analysts. Retail analysts at Bernstein Research have apparently declared that iPad sales' rates - 4.5 million units per quarter - have surpassed that of the DVD, previously the fastest adopted non-phone technology, …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Spuds for laptop fraudsters strike in Huntingdon

The potatoes for laptop bait-and-switch fraudsters have been at it again, relieving a couple in Huntingdon of £650 in exchange for a bag of spuds and a few bits of cardboard. BBC Cambridgeshire reports that the unfortunate couple were approached in Huntington High Street last week by a man supposedly punting a second-hand laptop …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Hiberno-mooner stalks Google Street View

Google is struggling to keep up with the Hibernian moons plaguing its Street View Ireland service. Last Friday we reported how the Irish Times had uncovered a brace of of buttock jiggling jackeens in Dublin, prompting Google to quickly apply its vanishing cream to the offending buttocks. No sooner had they managed that than …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Tony Curtis goes to grave with iPhone

Tony Curtis went to his grave packing an iPhone yesterday, his family have revealed. The veteran film star who famously said "I'm Spartacus" and likened snogging Marilyn Monroe to "kissing Hitler" was honoured at a public funeral service in Las Vegas yesterday. The 400-strong crowd at the funeral service thinned out to 200 for …
Joe Fay, 05 Oct 2010
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Flakey scales brand Commonwealth boxers bunch of blobs

The Commonwealth Games boxing tournament collapsed into farce today as official scales delivered wildly inconsistent readings and declared virtually every fighter overweight. Fighters who had been given readings above their weight class at the Delhi weigh-in rushed to sweat off extra pounds, with frantic runs, gym sessions or …
Joe Fay, 04 Oct 2010
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Ireland gives Google traditional pogue mahone greeting

Google Maps Ireland went live yesterday, and it took the cream of Ireland's media just minutes to find the first pic of a pair of Dubliners baring their hairy arses to Mountain View's all seeing eye. The Irish Times found this pair of moon-bummed jackeens, who had ambushed the Google car on Dublin's Ballinteer drive. The car …
Joe Fay, 01 Oct 2010
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ToryDems nearly swallow Labour blueprint of equality for all

The former Labour government's Equality Act 2010 mainly came into force today, prompting howls of pain from employers' groups. It's hard to imagine the ToryDems like the whole of the act, but they've decided to lump most of it. Indeed they shelved the original timetable for the act, keeping back key parts they disagree with. …
Joe Fay, 01 Oct 2010
For Sale sign detail

Tech firms promise EU they might cut electricity use

The EU claimed it had strong-armed another 16 ICT firms into putting their names to an effort to reduce electricity consumption in their broadband kit and datacentres. Brussels has declared that the firms' commitment could lead them to reduce their leccy consumption by as much as 50 per cent, should they subsequently not ignore …
Joe Fay, 29 Sep 2010
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Monkey squad sent in to secure Commonwealth Games

Indian authorities have drafted in a crack troop of monkeys to guard foreign athletes amidst the ongoing carnage of the Delhi Commonwealth Games. AFP reports that New Delhi council has drafted in ten langur monkey handlers fielding as many as 38 of the fearsome primates. While the key image of the Games so far is of overflowing …
Joe Fay, 28 Sep 2010
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iPhone fanbois run off road in CoolBrand race

Fanbois will be crying tears of frustration over their iPhones today at the revelation they no longer possess the UK's most coveted product. The CoolBrands survey, which delineates the most desirable consumer brands, has declared Aston Martin is this year's coolest brand, driving the iPhone off the number one spot. Apple fans …
Joe Fay, 28 Sep 2010
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Christian group declares jct 9 on M25 cursed

A group of Christian evangelicals has declared junction 9 of the M25 "hexed" and is staging regular prayer meetings to cleanse the benighted interchange. According to the Surrey Advertiser, Gerald Coates of the Pioneer Engage Church in Leatherhead has attributed a rash of accidents and footbridge suicides around the junction to …
Joe Fay, 27 Sep 2010
fingers pointing at man

Blockbuster winds itself into Chapter 11

Ageing slackers everywhere will be crying into their caramel popcorn today at the news that Blockbuster has slipped into Chapter 11 before forgetting what they were doing and walking over to the fridge for some cold pizza. The video rental chain, which was an essential part of early 1990s sofa culture, finally flaked out under …
Joe Fay, 23 Sep 2010
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Ad touts benefits of pubic school to South Benders

A billboard praising South Bend, Indiana's Public Schools last week missed a crucial ingredient - the letter L. The digital ad, which was promoting the southbendon.com website, went up last Thursday. One of its rotating messages encouraged motorists to go to the website to find out the "15 best things about our pubic schools". …
Joe Fay, 23 Sep 2010
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Swedes brew up 18.5 per cent 'Ace of Spades Porter'

A Swedish brewery has concocted a tipple that packs an impressive 18.5 per cent alcohol content, giving the country's citizens something to conclusively celebrate in the wake of an a depressingly inconclusive election. The recipe for Sigtuna Brygghus' Ace of Spades Imperial Stout includes fresh figs, raisins, honey and almost …
Joe Fay, 22 Sep 2010
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Paris brushes off Japanese ejection over coke bust

Paris Hilton was barred from entering Japan this morning after a six hour grilling by immigration officials curious about her position on nose candy. The talented model/actress/heiress, was stopped at Tokyo airport on Tuesday when she attempted to enter the country to promote her fashion and fragrance lines. Apparently Hilton …
Joe Fay, 22 Sep 2010
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Samoan clerics finger homosexuals over global warming

Clerics in the South Pacific have fingered the key cause of climate change - homosexuals. The revelation came at a conference at the University of the South Pacific considering the implications of Climate Change and Creativity. Academics were apparently thrown off their consideration of "Arts in the Age of Global Warming" and " …
Joe Fay, 21 Sep 2010
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Indiana judges dismiss girl's nipple exposure appeal

A court has ruled that women's nipples do not enjoy freedom of expression under the US Constitution. The case was brought by a 16 year old girl, who was one of three women accused of exposing their breasts to passing traffic on an Indianapolis street last year. She would have faced a misdemeanour charge of public nudity if she …
Joe Fay, 21 Sep 2010
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Steve Jobs chops student hack down to size

Steve Jobs may not be a ninja, but when an over-enthusiastic journalism student had the temerity to email him to complain about Apple's less than helpful press office last week, he quickly chopped her down to size. The Guardian splendidly reports that Chelsea Isaacs, a journalism student at Long Island University was tasked with …
Joe Fay, 20 Sep 2010
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Florida cops left stoned stunned by pot-filled SUV

A Florida Road Ranger was left holding his nose last week when an unconscious driver turned out to be packing 100lbs of pot plant. The ranger apparently spotted the Chevy Tahoe pulled over on the median of the Pametto Expressway in Doral last Thursday, MSNBC reported. As he approached the car he noticed that the driver appeared …
Joe Fay, 20 Sep 2010
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Pope makes central London no-go zone for BT engineers

Based in Central London? Broadband looking a little flaky this afternoon? You better look to heaven for help, as Openreach won't be doing any callouts in the centre of Capital for the foreseeable future due to Pope-related congestion. That apparently is the gospel according to telecoms provider 2Circles, which told customers …
Joe Fay, 17 Sep 2010
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Social Schmidt eyes up Facebook integration

Eric Schmidt took a passive-aggressive stance towards Facebook yesterday as he outlined the search'n'ads giant's plans for social networking. Speaking at the Zeitgeist conference in Arizona, Schmidt said Google's product lineup would get more social networking add-ons by the end of this year. According to sources quoted by the …
Joe Fay, 15 Sep 2010
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Steve Jobs no ninja, says Apple

Apple has denied that Steve Jobs is a ninja and dismissed reports that he was stopped at a Japanese airport with a set of throwing death stars in his hand luggage. But before Jobs' more paranoid rivals in Silicon Valley relax, they should consider that this is exactly the sort of corporate response you'd expect to the revelation …
Joe Fay, 15 Sep 2010
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Steve Jobs carried 'ninja throwing stars' in hand luggage

Steve Jobs has vowed never to visit Japan again after being prevented from leaving the country with a set of ninja throwing stars, according to a local magazine. The Apple CEO apparently had a set of shuriken in his carry-on luggage when he was returning from a family vacation by private jet in July, according to SPA magazine …
Joe Fay, 14 Sep 2010
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Harry Potter theme park magically swallows big visitors

The operators at the Harry Potter Theme Park are busily enlarging the attraction's key ride after finding that it is a little too snug for many visitors. Universal Orlando announced on Monday it was "adjusting" the harnesses on its Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey ride, in which robotic arms whirl carloads of punters …
Joe Fay, 14 Sep 2010
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Transport Dept's answer to embarrassing, cancelled IT projects?

The Department of Transport has maintained a clean sheet on wasteful and abortive IT projects, by opting not to record any such SNAFUs. Opposition MPs have been making a sport of asking the ToryDem government for details of messed up IT projects - often disingenuously given it was the previous Labour government that initiated …
Joe Fay, 14 Sep 2010
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Naturist club objects to erection of five storey tower block

Members of a Surrey naturist club have reacted with fury to plans to build a tower block which would overlook their clothes-free sanctuary. The 70-year-old White House Club, which has 300 members on its books, is objecting in the strong possible terms to the proposed erection of a five story block which would overlook its …
Joe Fay, 13 Sep 2010
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Office for Mac finally breaks out of Microsoft

Microsoft Office for Mac 2011 finally escaped Redmond and went to manufacturing last week, meaning Apple users get a fresh productivity suite just two years after their Windows-based counterparts. The software should hit the streets next month, with anyone buying the previous version between now and then entitled to a free …
Joe Fay, 13 Sep 2010
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Playboy centrefold freaks out at 10,000 feet

A Playboy centrefold took fellow plane passengers' breath away last week when she apparently tried to open the door on a plane flight from Florida to New York. Tiffany Livingston, 21 and 5' 6", reportedly bolted from her seat and grabbed the cabin door in an apparent attempt to open the cabin door on the Jet Blue flight. The …
Joe Fay, 13 Sep 2010
Bacon inhaler

Bacon thief leaves rasher on door knob

Surrey police are hunting a burglar who broke into a house in Redhill, Surrey and swiped a packet of bacon - except for a single rasher left chillingly draped over the front door handle. As well as clearing the family's fridge of their salty pork belly breakfast meat, in the early hours of September 4, the thief also swiped a …
Joe Fay, 09 Sep 2010
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Think tank rages at NHS' £700 bill for fertility clinic porn

A right-leaning Health think tank has condemned the NHS for spending £700 a year on porn to assist male visitors to fertility clinics to produce samples. 2020health.org called for an immediate ban on the provision of such material, and suggested if men can't produce samples by willpower alone that they should produce their …
Joe Fay, 08 Sep 2010
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Eric Schmidt warns Berliners: 'We know where you are'

Eric Schmidt did his best to raise the bar on his harshest critics yesterday, by telling an audience in Berlin that "we know where you are, we know what you like". A week after the US www.consumerwatchdog.org launched a campaign portraying Schmidt as a "privacy pervert", the Google CEO chose an audience in Germany to deliver a …
Joe Fay, 08 Sep 2010
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Jobs takes swing at Google over Android activations

Google and Apple's bush war flared up again as Steve Jobs apparently cast aspersions over Android's activation numbers as he unveiled Apple's latest iPod and TV scrub-up yesterday. During his discourse, Jobs said that the iPhone OS was seeing around 230,000 activations a day. Crucially he said these were all new activations, …
Joe Fay, 02 Sep 2010
chart

Apple livestreaming heralds Jobs-to-fanboi brain-linking

Apple's live streaming of its latest revolutionary product launch today is a dry run for the Mac maker's massive server farm which will eventually allow Steve Jobs to bypass mainstream media and download news directly to fanbois' brains. That is roughly what Cultofmac has claimed ahead of today's launch in San Francisco of a …
Joe Fay, 01 Sep 2010
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Nandos 'village bike' ad not sexist, rules ASA

Referring to the village bike or asking to borrow a friend's girlfriend is not sexist, offensive or derogatory to women, the ASA has ruled, as long as it is done in a comical Portuguese accent. The Advertising Standards Authority made the ruling in response to a series of complaints about adverts for Nandos, the periperi chicken …
Joe Fay, 01 Sep 2010
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Lady vicar tells Anglicans to learn from Black Sabbath

A Church of England vicar has told the Anglican community that it could do worse than learning to relax and taking a few cues from heavy metal. The Reverend Rachel Mann writes in the Church Times that the outpourings of Black Sabbath and their musical descendants demonstrated a "liberative theology of darkness" enabling acolytes …
Joe Fay, 31 Aug 2010
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Internet, China and Russia destroying US, rock and roll

An ageing and increasingly cantankerous rock aristocracy is pointing its arthritic fingers at the internet, blaming it for destroying America, and even more worryingly, rock and roll. Fleetwood Mac songstress Stevie Nicks told the New York Daily News this week that the net "has destroyed rock. Children no longer develop social …
Joe Fay, 26 Aug 2010
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Ball player gets Beaver ban after drunken naked tasering

An up and coming football player has been kicked off the Oregon State University team after local cops were forced to tase him after he was found "naked and intoxicated" in a stranger's home. Tyler Patrick Thomas, a 19-year-old lineman for the Beavers, as the OSU team is known, was found by cops responding to reports of "a naked …
Joe Fay, 24 Aug 2010
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Yemeni assassin hits York man with spam death threat

A software engineer form York has been left nonplussed after a group of hired guns from the Yemen Arab Republic claimed to have been contracted to "terminate" him with extreme prejudice. Charles Anderson told El Reg he received an email last week from a "Gladlord Mohammed" informing him that "i have being paid $200,000.00 in …
Joe Fay, 23 Aug 2010
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Shopping mall mulls Supreme Court bid to back no-speaking ban

A California shopping mall may ask the State Supreme Court to defend its ban on its patrons speaking to one another except to ask where the toilet is. Judges on the 3rd District Court of Appeal last week ruled that the Westfield Galleria in Roseville's ban on a visitor "approaching patrons with whom he or she was not previously …
Joe Fay, 18 Aug 2010
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Wikileaks clambers aboard Pirate Party network

Wikileaks has done the inevitable and coupled with Sweden's Pirate Party. The deal promises to keep leaked information flowing via Wikileaks, while presumably ensuring that conspiracy obsessives, policy wonks and the merely curious can cheaply compile a suitable soundtrack for their late night perusals of government and …
Joe Fay, 18 Aug 2010
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America's top model fights off 'pervert' at Star Wars convention

America's ex next top model Adrianne Curry has taken to the social networks to detail her alleged molestation at a Star Wars convention in Miami over the weekend. The 28 year old, who won the first series of America's Next Top Model and has since appeared in Playboy, had visited the show wearing a Princess Leia "slave" outfit …
Joe Fay, 17 Aug 2010
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Fragrant tech thief stalks Whitehall

Civil servants at the Department for Communities and Local Government are living in fear of a sweet smelling mobile technology thief who carries a ladies' purse. That is the inescapable conclusion after a minister in the department detailed the terrifying catalogue of thefts within the department in a commons answer. Pete …
Joe Fay, 29 Jul 2010
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Papal crackdown on bare-kneed tourists sparks hypocrisy claims

The Vatican's stripey knickerbocker-clad Swiss Guards have launched a crack down on scantily-clad tourists in and around the Holy See. Reports say that a long-standing modest dress decree has been extended from St Peter's basicilica - the big church - to the whole of the Vatican mini-state. The Pope's halberd-waving steel- …
Joe Fay, 29 Jul 2010
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Foxconn India closes factory as 250 workers fall ill

Foxconn has been forced to shut down a factory in India after 250 workers were hospitalised after what appears to have been an overzealous bout of pesticide spraying. According to AFP the firm - famous for building the iPhone as well as a myriad of other gadgets - suspended operations at its Chennai plant yesterday after the …
Joe Fay, 27 Jul 2010
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Vatican Google-bombed over weekend

The Vatican was Google-bombed over the weekend, with searches for the Holy See directing unwitting punters to a mysterious site called www.pedofilo.com. The site takes its name from the Italian word for paedophile, and appeared to be unavailable from the UK today. However, Italian reports suggest it was based in Mexico, and was …
Joe Fay, 19 Jul 2010
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Cal Pol: Turn Jacko's ranch into state park

Wide-eyed children could once again be roaming free around Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch if a California lawmaker gets his way. California assemblyman Mike Davis has suggested the state should consider taking over the singer's old digs in Santa Barbara County. Neverland became notorious as the singer became increasingly …
Joe Fay, 15 Jul 2010