Feeds
The Register Columnists

Joe Fay

Contact Mail Follow RSS feed
Joe Fay is group editor of The Register, and The Channel.
The Register breaking news

Apple pressed to show succession plan

Apple has come under further pressure to tell shareholders how it plans to manage the eventual succession to Steve Jobs, after the CEO announced his latest and open-ended stint of medical leave. Institutional Investor Services, a particularly influential shareholder advisory firm, has thrown its weight behind the Central …
Joe Fay, 04 Feb 2011
The Register breaking news

Post-a-puppy woman hit with cruelty charges

A Minneapolis woman has been hit with animal cruelty charges after she tried to relocate a puppy to Atlanta, via airmail. Stacey Champion told post office workers in downtown Minneapolis to be particularly careful with the tightly sealed package she submitted for sending as a birthday gift to a relative in Georgia. Champion …
Joe Fay, 03 Feb 2011
The Register breaking news

Norwegian MP nominates Wikileaks for Nobel Peace Prize

Julian Assange could find just himself in the company of Barack Obama, the Dali Llama and Aung San Suu Kyi, after a Norwegian politician nominated Wikileaks for the Nobel Peace Prize. However, the hacker turned world's favourite leaker-in-chief will no doubt be rather conscious of what happened to the likes of Martin Luther King …
Joe Fay, 02 Feb 2011
The Register breaking news

Republican reps push for mandatory gun ownership

Republican politicians in South Dakota have filed a bill that would require every citizen in the land-locked virtually empty state to buy a gun as of next year. The bill, put forward by Sioux Fall representative Hal Wick, would require every citizen over 21 to buy a firearm "suitable to their temperament, physical capacity, and …
Joe Fay, 02 Feb 2011
The Register breaking news

UK.gov doesn't know its IT spend – but insists it will spend less

The government has put the kybosh on IT projects worth £1bn, but has no idea how much it will still be spending, as it doesn't keep an overall tab on its tech spend. Cabinet office minister Francis Maude was asked yesterday – by Charlie Elphicke MP – "how much government departments budgeted for expenditure on IT in 2010-11, and …
Joe Fay, 02 Feb 2011
The Register breaking news

Citigroup clutches EMI to bosom

Ownership of EMI, home of The Beatles, Pink Floyd and Sir Simon Rattle, has passed into the hands of US mega money corp Citigroup. EMI said in a statement today that Citigroup had acquired 100 per cent of its share capital, and completed a recapitalisation of the debt-laden music group. Through this, the group's debt has been …
Joe Fay, 02 Feb 2011
The Register breaking news

China drafts in parent army to battle internet addiction

China has sought to battle the scourge of internet addiction among the youth by giving parents the right to monitor their offspring's online meanderings. Eight government departments have issued new guidelines due to come into force from next month. These will allow, among other things, parents to set restrictions on their kids …
Joe Fay, 01 Feb 2011
The Register breaking news

Gov will spend £400k to destroy ID card data

Taxpayers will finally see some value for money out of the former goverment's ID card scheme. The cost of destroying the personal data collected under the ill-starred programme will be a mere £400,000, Home Office minister Damian Green revealed yesterday. The figure came in a commons reply to Paul Goggins MP, who'd asked what …
Joe Fay, 20 Jan 2011
The Register breaking news

Yahoo! buzzing over 'nonce Pope's' Christmas message

Yahoo!'s buzz service took a pop at the papacy overnight, apparently informing its readers: "Nonce Pope to deliver Christmas message on the BBC". Buzz, for those who haven't noticed, is a Digg-alike service allowing Yahoo! users to flag up content – and crucially giving them the ability to add in their own headline. And for …
Joe Fay, 23 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Sluggish economy means hard times for US executioners

Economic turmoil has wreaked havoc on the US execution industry, latest figures show, with the total number of prisoners put to death well down on last year. The Death Penalty Information Centre's annual report showed 49 executions were carried out across the US last year, a 12 per cent drop compared to 2009. Even more dramatic …
Joe Fay, 21 Dec 2010
cloud

Adobe forgets to thank Apple as it hits $1bn per quarter

Adobe put a troublesome year behind it yesterday, announcing its first ever billion-dollar quarter and jacking up its forecasts for next year. The developer and creative software vendor turned in revenues of $1bn for its fourth quarter ending 3 December, well up on last year's $757.3m, and ahead of the $998m Wall Street was …
Joe Fay, 21 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

eBay buys into German fashion club

eBay has lashed out $200m for a German online "fashion club" as the international tat bazaar looks to consolidate its position as the top destination for fashion fans who don't feel the need to actually try on clothes before they buy them. brands4friends is described as "Germany’s largest online shopping club for fashion and …
Joe Fay, 20 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

BA flights website grounded by snow

British Airways' website was up and down this morning, which is still more than can be said for its aircraft. The UK's flag carrier's terrible weekend carried on right into Monday, as its shiny new base at Heathrow was snowbound with few flights taking off, and fewer still arriving – in common with the rest of the airport it has …
Joe Fay, 20 Dec 2010
channel

Windows 7 really was some girl's idea, rules ASA

The ASA has ruled that it's perfectly plausible to claim that Windows 7 was developed by a bunch of rugby players' girlfriends, "private-browsing" dads, and spud-faced kids in Spanish cafes rather than a bunch of highly trained, generously paid developers in Redmond. The ruling came in response to eight complaints about one of …
Joe Fay, 15 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Naked cemetery man was simply photographing orbs

A Mississippi man found naked in a cemetery explained to Sheriff's deputies that he was not indulging in indecent exposure but was simply looking to snap some "spirit orb" photos. Robert T Hurst, 47, was reeled in by deputies after a man was "photographed naked and setting up his own camera on a tripod by a game camera in the …
Joe Fay, 14 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

DUI suspect was watching porn DVD

An Indianoplis man was pulled in by cops last week for drunk driving while watching porn. Actually, he was only charged with drunk driving – Indiana law not appearing to have a law governing the viewing of smut while hurtling down the highway while nominally in control of a tonne-and-a-half of car. At least not at the moment. …
Joe Fay, 13 Dec 2010
channel

Death of ID card scheme left £6.5m of kit going begging

The government is working out what to do with £6.5m worth of kit left gathering dust after it pulled the plug on the ID card scheme earlier this year. Home Secretary Theresa May was asked in a commons question: what the cost was of IT equipment purchased by or on behalf of the government in respect of the identity cards scheme; …
Joe Fay, 09 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Walmart falls in with Washington's war on terror

The US Department of Homeland Security has joined forces with the most relentless and observant patrol force available in the US - Walmart shoppers. The Washington anti-terror agency will call on the cut-price chain's army of aisle-plodding bargain spotters to apply those same skills to spotting the enemies of the United States …
Joe Fay, 08 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Ad man offers fine drugs and finer print to Macbook thief

A Philadelphia ad exec is offering a "fabulous drug stash" reward in a bid to get back the Macbook he foolishly left in his unlocked car. Kurt Shore was leaving his office car park in early November when he realised he'd left something inside. He rushed back in, leaving the lights on, but not the central locking. On his return …
Joe Fay, 08 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Alan Sugar's 'cockup braindead in call centre clueless' BT row

Alan Sugar showed UK business how to secure tip top service from BT today, pursuing a dual strategy of ranting on twitter while pulling the "don't you know who I am" line on the call centre staff. Trouble first started brewing about six hours ago, with LordAlun taking a break from slagging off Piers Morgan and touting his new …
Joe Fay, 07 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Blighty's kids nosedive down global reading, maths rankings

Britain's schoolchildren have slipped down the international league in reading, maths and science, according to the latest batch of numbers from the OECD. The organisation's biennial PISA study ranks international 15-year-olds by their performance in the three disciplines. This year the UK's schoolies gave a distinctly average …
Joe Fay, 07 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Tehran conscripts Ninja masters to crush democracy

The Iranian government has been attempting to co-opt the country's Ninjas and other martial artists to help out with some light repression duties, US diplomatic cables released by Wikileaks claim. Authorities in the country have been attempting to outsource some of the grunt work involved in political repression to martial arts …
Joe Fay, 07 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Crazed reindeer stalks, attacks Scottish woman with antlers

Children are advised to hide under the duvet if they hear sleighbells this Christmas Eve, after it emerged that reindeers appear to have developed a taste for human flesh. The reindeer's ability to transform from Santa's little helper to ravening maneater was illustrated by the tale of a 57-year-old woman who was subjected to a …
Joe Fay, 06 Dec 2010
The Register breaking news

Sarah Palin calls for US to stand by North Korea

Sarah Palin has redefined US foreign policy and put YouTube under a little bit of strain by telling right wing radio host Glenn Beck that America must stand by its North Korean allies. Palin, sometime Alaska governor and current reality TV star, was responding to a question from Beck about how she would respond to a developing …
Joe Fay, 25 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

Pumpkin pie could prompt Thanksgiving sexual free-for-all

The US will become a seething mass of unbridled passion tomorrow, as millions of American men succumb to the penile enlargening properties of that traditional Thanksgiving dish pumpkin pie. A US academic has disclosed that in a study of the effects of assorted fragrances on "male sexual response" the smell of warm, smooth, …
Joe Fay, 24 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

Fugitive tech CEO settles backdating case with SEC for $53m

A former tech firm CEO has finally settled a stock backdating case with the Feds, almost five years after skipping the US and heading to the South West African bolthole of Namibia. Jacob "Kobi" Alexander, co-founder and former chairman and CEO of Comverse, will pay the SEC $47.6m in disgorgement and prejudgment interest and a $ …
Joe Fay, 24 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

'Plastic surgeon' cuffed for in bar boob checks

Police in Idaho have put a call out to women who may have submitted to breast examinations in bars and clubs, after it emerged that a booze house female plastic surgeon from South Africa was allegedly no such thing. Kristina Brittany Ross, from Boise, was nabbed after cops in the potato state received reports that a South …
Joe Fay, 18 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

Chicago officer beats off dildo-wielding bill-skipper

An Illinois woman allegedly launched an ill-considered assault on a cop with a “rigid female pleasure device” after an altercation over an unpaid Crab Shack bill. Carole Bildsten, a 56-year-old from the Chicago suburb of Gurnee, was accused of leaving an unpaid bill for dinner and wine at Joe's Crab Shack in the town earlier …
Joe Fay, 12 Nov 2010
globalisation

BT sees revenues slip in first half, but jacks up profits outlook

BT reported a slip in revenues in its interim results this morning, but for once, its Global Services arm was not the main culprit. The telecoms giant turned in overall revenues of £4.98bn for the six months ending 30 September, down 3 per cent on the year on an adjusted basis. "Adjusted" EBITDA was £1.4bn, up 3 per cent. …
Joe Fay, 11 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

ASA rules 'Bare T*Ts Project' ad offensive

The ASA has ruled that an ad for a smutty premium rate phone service breached taste guidelines after it was broadcast on a sex channel at 6.40am. The ASA recounts that the ad on the Tease Me 2 channel featured mock documentary footage titled The Bare Tits Project, and stated "In 2009 4 students went out to make a naughty …
Joe Fay, 10 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

Co-op cashier's breasts overcharged for fruit and veg

The Co-op in Jersey has launched an investigation into recent fruit and veg sales after it emerged that a customer had been overcharged by a sales assistant's breasts. A customer at the unnamed branch raised the alarm after she was charged almost £2 for a pepper that should have cost 79 pence, the Daily Mail reports. A …
Joe Fay, 09 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

Bare breast ballot finds scant support in small US town

A ballot measure that would have allowed women to walk around bare-breasted has failed to find support among voters in a small town in Massachusetts. The non-binding measure put to voters in one district in Pittsfield proposed mandating the district's state legislator to press for a change to the state's definition of nudity. …
Joe Fay, 04 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

Sexy Hustler honeys unlikely to corrupt Croydon yoof

The youth of Croydon is unlikely to be corrupted by adverts promising HUSTLER HONEYS IN THEIR STARS 'N' STRIPES GETTING ALL WET, the UK's advertising regulator has declared. However, adults confronted by the ad – punting Larry Flynt's Huster Club (Croydon branch) – were likely to be offended by the ads. Mr Flynt's haven for …
Joe Fay, 03 Nov 2010
The Register breaking news

Cops cuff nappy-wearing man who demanded sweets with menaces

A man was facing disorderly conduct charges yesterday after after swearing at trick-or-treating kids while wearing nothing but a very large nappy. Joseph DiVanna, 47, from Florida, launched a series of tirades against trick-or-treaters and their adult chaperones in West Ocean City on Sunday. When not swearing he apparently …
Joe Fay, 02 Nov 2010
homeless man with sign

SAP legal u-turn delivers new HP boss for Monday start

It looks like Leo Apotheker will be able to get through his first day as HP boss without getting hauled into court to testify in former employer SAP's trade secrets theft case with Oracle. Apotheker is expected to get his feet under the table at HP on Monday. However, the same day was scheduled to be the opener in Oracle's court …
Joe Fay, 29 Oct 2010
channel

Windows 7 fans hold hands out for Halloween service pack fun

Windows fans at a loss for what to do over the Halloween weekend can indulge themselves with the first release candidate of the Windows 7 service pack. Not that we're suggesting the RC is some kind of horror fest - although installation times appear to be a tad longer than some fans anticipated. Microsoft slipped out SP1 RC1 …
Joe Fay, 29 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Oracle goes in hard on Google Java suit

Oracle has updated its patent infringement suit against Google. Now the enterprise software corporation has point-blank accused the ad broker of directly copying its Java code, according to reports. According to InfoWorld, the originally vague suit now includes specific examples of code that Oracle claims Google had filched to …
Joe Fay, 28 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Hells Angels slap London dressmakers with trademark suit

The Hells Angels are apparently going to war with British fashion house Alexander McQueen after accusing the couturiers of infringing on their trademarks. The California-based motorcycle club, whose fearsome reputation includes the sudden and brutal application of trademark lawyers, believes the dressmakers, and its retailers, …
Joe Fay, 28 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Bus spotter admits £11k database fees fraud

A Suffolk man has admitted to defrauding his employer of £11,000 to indulge his pastime of bus-spotting. Steven Curl, 45, ran up a bill of £10,983 in credit check fees over two years while working at insurance giant AXA, Ipswich Crown Court was told. The East Anglian Daily Times reports that the charabanc fanatic exploited his …
Joe Fay, 27 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

UK border police seize £500k from Nigerians' hand luggage

The UK's border police were patting themselves on the back today after seizing over half a million quid in cash from the hand luggage of two Nigerian men at Heathrow Airport. Border Agency officers discovered the cash as the men tried to enter the UK through Heathrow last week, after flying in from Paris. The men said the money …
Joe Fay, 26 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Sony hits stop on Walkman tape players

Sony is ditching the groundbreaking Walkman cassette player in its home market, 30 years after first launching its assault on the hearing of teens and the patience of the people sat next to them. The electronics giant said that demand for the serial crinkly recording format had nosedived in Japan. "There is still demand in …
Joe Fay, 25 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Google says hardly any Germans opt out of Street View

Google has said that just 2.89 per cent of German households have asked for their homes to be taken off Street View - but sadly it will not be able to oblige all of them when it launches in the country next month. Street View has unaccountably gotten up the noses of privacy groups, householders and random street drunks worldwide …
Joe Fay, 21 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Penthouse founder Guccione dead at 79

Bob Guccione, the man who founded Penthouse and brought full frontal nudity close to the mainstream, if not firmly into it, has died at the age of 79. Guccione lost a long fight with cancer yesterday, Adult Video News reports, and died at the Plano Specialty Hospital in Texas. AVN recounts that the American-born Guccione was …
Joe Fay, 21 Oct 2010
arrow pointing up

SMEs, tech vendors scrabble for morsels of comfort in CSR

George Osborne left small business lobbyists spluttering today over the lack of an explicit commitment to helping SMEs in the Comprehensive Spending Review. Meanwhile, tech vendors reacted with a flurry of pre-canned statements, mainly claiming that their products and services are just the thing to help hard-pressed public …
Joe Fay, 20 Oct 2010
channel

Dixons risks future of humanity with Star Wars-themed ads

Dixons has put the future of humanity at risk by beaming a series of ads featuring Star Wars refugees C-3PO and R2-D2 into deep space. The campaign touts its Currys and PCWorld chains. The electronics chain's latest ads will feature the droid pair - including original C-3PO actor Anthony Daniels - breaking into one of the chain' …
Joe Fay, 20 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Vatican confirms Simpsons as Catholics

The Vatican has declared that the Simpsons are a fine example of the Catholic ideal, and given parents the green light to let their kids watch the animated show. The declaration, in Vatican in-house mag Osservatore Romano, confirms both an earlier paean to the show, and the Simpsons' own onscreen conversion a few years ago. The …
Joe Fay, 19 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

'Condom in my Whopper' man pulls case

A Vermont man has dropped a lawsuit he filed which claimed he had bitten into a Burger King Whopper and found himself chewing an unwrapped condom. Van Miguel Hartless said he bought the Southwestern Whopper from a Burger King in Rutland, Vermont, in 2007. Instead of succulent meat, crispy lettuce and tangy southwestern sauce, …
Joe Fay, 18 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Man wins $650k for stripper shoe eye snafu

A South Florida man is $650,000 richer after successfully suing a strip club, having been injured when a lap dancer poked him in the eye with a stiletto (heel). Michael Ireland was left with a punctured eye socket, broken facial bones and permanent double vision after the 2008 incident at the Cheetah club in West Palm Beach. …
Joe Fay, 15 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Florida cops tase naked jogger

Florida police tased a 18-year-old this week after spotting him going for a jog wearing nothing but a pair of swimming goggles. West Melbourne Police officer Ken Sells spotted Zak Anthony King out for what appeared to be an early Monday morning constitutional. However, Sells quickly realised King was stark naked, save for a pair …
Joe Fay, 14 Oct 2010
The Register breaking news

Manchester cops hit Twitter - spoof feeds fall down stairs

Greater Manchester Police decided to show the world just how tough it is policing England's third city by tweeting every report it receives for 24 hours. The results so far tell a story of stretched resources, organisational confusion, police communications hijacked by criminals and pranksters, and coppers ending up in jail - …
Joe Fay, 14 Oct 2010