Joe Fay is group editor of The Register, and The Channel.
Stephen Hawking nixes Intel voice upgrade plan
Physics luminary 'quite upset'
Stephen Hawking scuppered an Intel plan to upgrade his voice, sending researchers at the chip giant into a desperate effort to emulate a defunct speech-synthesis chip.
The A Brief History of Time author's nixing of Intel efforts to bring his robotic voice up-to-date was revealed at an innovation awards ceremony hosted by the …
Reg careers Live Chat: Upgrade or go home with Dominic Connor
Live Chat Our man gives it to you straight at 2pm, May 23
Are you looking to switch jobs, skill-up or go back to college - then join The Register’s Careers’ Live Chat on May 23, at 2pm UK time.
City headhunter and Reg contributor Dominic Connor and the Reg’s group editor Joe Fay will host an hour's worth of career-enhancing discussion to help your next steps.
Dominic has been …
Reg man goes time travelling at iconic observatory
Geek's Guide... Jodrell Bank: The visitors' centre at the start of the universe
There are two ways to approach Jodrell Bank. From the north you fly through the WAGish end of Cheshire, with towns like Wilmslow and Alderley Edge housing Manchester and Liverpool’s finest and their harems. I prefer coming from the south, under the Twemlow Viaduct, a 105ft high, 500 yard long symphony of red brick, completed in …
Attention, CIOs: Stop outsourcing or YOU will never retire
Youth must have its fling, says biz forum chief
Walk down the hall. Look into the IT room. How old are the people in there? How are they getting on? Or are they just getting on? Would you trust them to keep the server lights on in a couple of years? Is there anybody actually in there at all?
If there isn’t, your company may be part of the problem that’s keeping John Harris …
Pope resigns months after launching social networking effort
Cardinals to elect successor to @pontifex handle
Pope Benedict announced his resignation today, becoming the first pope to relinquish the leadership of the Catholic Church in six centuries - and just months after becoming the first pontiff to join Twitter.
The 85-year-old will step down at the end of the month, clearing the way for a conclave to elect his successor. He is the …
Web smut sites are SAFER than search engines, declares Cisco
Network giant: Perimeters are porous, get used to it
Cisco proclaimed that it is more dangerous to click on a web ad than a porn site these days as it unveiled the latest version of its security threat report.
The vendor also expanded its security offering, pulling in mobile management support for its ISE platform and announcing it had hoovered up Czech-based real-time security …
Cisco unwraps Unified Access boxes in East London
Now you can get plugged in to the wireless revolution
Cisco took its life in its hands today by choosing the heart of East London to take the wraps off two shiny boxes to be sold under its Unified Access architecture banner.
Senior vice president for enterprise, Rob Soderberry unveiled the Catalyst 3850 unified access switch at the opening of CiscoLive, saying it combined the best …
Vatican shrugs off apocalypse, fiddles with accounts dept
Pope's astronomer hints at truth hidden in Google
The Vatican has shrugged off predictions of the world ending this Friday, deciding instead to overhaul its accounting department.
This will ensure a gradual reduction in the cost of running the world's biggest Christian denomination - although if the Mayans are right and humanity is annihilated on 21 December then that cost …
Musk to blast right of way through California with railgun Concorde
Hyperloop plans might be easier in Martian retirement
Elon Musk dropped a few further hints about his Hyperloops transit plan in London last night, saying it was "a cross between a Concorde and a rail gun" whose biggest hurdles included "right-of-way" issues.
And it seems that the ultimate destiny of the futuristic system would be to shift aging tech entrepreneurs around their …
Target Silicon Valley: Why A View to a Kill actually made sense
Bond on Film Bond villain Zorin's plan wouldn't work today, though
A View to a Kill is generally regarded as one of the least successful Bond movies. Yet it stands out for two things: a suave villain who is deranged in an entirely believable way, and a villainous plot that appeared both logical and plausible.
While its box office performance was passable at $152m, on a budget of $30m, even …
The Register flicks switch on Data Centre channel
All your big and virtual iron in one place
Our sharper-eyed readers - the sort that care about storage, servers, HPC and the like - will have noticed The Register has launched a Data Centre section.
This pulls our enterprise systems coverage together in one place, while our PC, mobile and client news continues under the Hardware banner. You can find links to these …
Fujitsu bigwig: Microsoft's doing us a favour with Surface either way
'I'm not panicking at all', says slablet CTO
Last week's launch of Microsoft’s Surface product is a good thing for tablet veteran Fujitsu, even if it only shows the battle is actually between Android and iOS.
The Japanese vendor, in its various European incarnations as International Computers Limited and Fujitsu-Siemens, has often been a lonely voice pushing tablet-like …
TERROR in SEATTLE: Gang of violent LEPRECHAUNS on the loose
Delays to Windows 8 feared as bearded rampage continues
Seattle is expected to go into lockdown this weekend, as fears grow that a gang of rogue leprechauns is on the loose and attacking locals.
Komonews.com reports that police were called to reports of a street fight last Saturday. When they arrived they saw a number of people run from the scene, before finding a man "covered in …
Vatican subtly shifts its position on The Blues Brothers
No obvious signs of Templar involvement, however
The Vatican has subtly shifted its stance on the Blues Brothers, with in-house(ofgod) magazine Osservatore Romano declaring the 33-year-old movie “a modern classic”.
The latest blessing, which coincides with an Italian outing for the movie on the 30th anniversary of John Belushi’s death, represents a reworking of the paper’s …
William Shatner confirms Devon town actually prostitute free
'Sex for value' still happening, claims TJ Hooker
William Shatner has apologised to the burghers of Ilfracombe for claiming, on national TV, that the Devon seaside town is a hotbed of prostitution.
However, Shatner undermined the earnestness of his apology by insisting someone must be having sex in the resort for "something of value", the Daily Mail reports.
The erstwhile …
'Kindness of America' snapper shot himself in 'act of self-promotion'
Hoped shot in the arm would give his book a ...
The hitchhiking photographer who captured the hearts of a nation after being shot while researching "The Kindness of America", has admitted administering the lead supplement himself and making the rest of the tale up.
Authorities in Montana are considering whether to charge Ray Dolin over the whole sorry saga.
Dolin was found …
Clouds gathering on horizon for software devs, say wise men
'There are things to be done. I don’t know what they are'
The software industry will dissolve into a soup of micro-detailed web services delivered over the cloud by 2022, with IT departments reduced to “guiding” users to prevent them from leaking their companies’ crown jewels onto the net.
That was the extremist version of the vision sketched out by a panel considering “The Software …
Trust lawyers, not techies, when it comes to the cloud
CCWF2012 Minefield of privacy and data laws - so tread carefully
CIOs thinking of shifting to the cloud or kicking off a flagship big data project would be better off talking to their lawyers than their techies before starting to leaf through glossy corporate presentations.
Mark Webber, partner and head of technology at law firm Osborne Clarke, speaking at the Cloud Computing World Forum …
Hitchhiker shot while researching 'Kindness of America'
Sticks out thumb, catches lead
A hitchhiker researching a book on "The Kindness of America" is currently recovering in hospital after a gun-toting truck driver gave him a small donation of some searing hot lead.
Ray Dolin, was hitching on Highway 2 in Montana on Saturday as part of a project to produce a memoir on the great things about the open road in the …
Intel phone boss: 'Multi-core detrimental to Android mobes'
But if you want Windows 8, you need to be rolling in cash
Intel’s head of mobile has dissed handset-makers that have already adopted multi-core processor architectures, saying that most implementations so far are actually “detrimental”.
Mike Bell, general manager of Intel’s Mobile and Communications Group, also said that smartphone users who buy into Chipzilla's platform can expect to …
Facebook jumps then slumps in first few minutes day's trade
Round and round she goes, where she stops....
Facebook's shares debuted on the Nasdaq today at $42 and immediately skidded downwards to the original IPO price of $38.
The social network set its IPO price last night at $38, valuing it at $104bn. However, through the mysteries of IPOing, it actually opened at $42, shortly after 11am Eastern Time. That price values the company …
Pirate Bay struggling to get on feet after DDoS to the knee
Anonymous says 'not us, dude'
The Pirate Bay claimed to be “getting back up! Stronger than ever!” this evening after crumpling under a DDoS attack for most of today.
The draining of the Pirate Bay sparked speculation that it was a victim of Anonymous, after the torrent site slated the hacktivist collective last week.
The torrent site cum copyright freedom …
Greenpeace targets Apple with 10-foot Pod stunt
Fanbois drool over prospect of iOS-based home
Silicon Valley cops arrested two Greenpeace activists who sealed themselves into a huge (i)Pod outside Apple HQ today, but chose not to cuff another bunch of activists who were dressed as giant iPhones.
Greenpeace has been chastising the Mac and iOS firm for the last few years for not exactly being the freewheeling, earth- …
Cisco hits the roof in Olympics marketing dash
Not just 3D, but Fry-D™
Cisco has thrown open its Olympics hospitality suite, giving partners and customers both a panoramic view of the Olympic Park and an up-close, 3D view of Stephen Fry loitering on a London Underground platform.
The 2012 Olympics logo
The networking giant is the London 2012 Network Infrastructure Supporter, meaning it is the …
Swedish men ordered to present cervices in database flub
Health official promises 'in-depth' investigation
A database screw-up saw 2,056 Swedish men ordered to report to their gynecologists and midwives for smear tests.
Health officials in Stockholm County and the island of Gotland are mailing the men to tell them to disregard the missive, The Local reports.
Meanwhile midwives are "briefed and ready' on how to deal with any confused …
Lenovo forced to expand 'flaming' PC recall
In other recall news: saw blades pose laceration hazard
Lenovo has been forced to expand the recall of possibly flamey desktops it first announced back in March.
The Chinese PC giant, in conjunction with the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, announced the initial recall affected around 50,500 ThinkCentre M70z and M90z desktops.
At the time, it said, "A defect in an internal …
Fabulous execution prompts Apple to rein back Q3 outlook
Jacks up enterprise, channel focus
Apple's third quarter figures will come in below Wall St forecasts the vendor revealed today, but that's just fine because it's just because it did so well in the second quarter.
The Mac and iOS vendor said it was expecting revenues of $34bn in June, with earnings per share of $8.68. This compares to analyst expectations of $9. …
Apple profits almost double on iOS product sales leap
A money making machine with just one button
Apple sold buckets more iPhones and iPads in its second quarter, helping it almost double net income year on year to $11.6bn and driving up gross margins.
The purveyor of magical and revolutionary shiny things turned in sales of $39.2bn for the quarter ending March 31, a 59 per cent rise on the year.
However, net income leapt …
Facebook IPO 'delay' as Zuckerberg keeps Wall St 'waiting'
Just too busy to meet masters of the universe?
Facebook's much-awaited IPO may be pushed back into June reports claim, as its glamourous and youthful CEO Mark Zuckerberg is just too busy to meet Wall St.
CNBC reports that "a string of acquisitions and other business distractions are threatening to delay the sale". The suggestions comes from "people familiar with the matter …
Facebook prospectus shows jump in users, fall in profits
SEC requirements are a bitch
Facebook's latest pre-IPO filing shows the social network giant ramped up to 901 million users, who produce 3.2 billion likes and comments a day.
Oh, and it said its net income slipped on the year as operating expenses ballooned.
The updated S1 filing covered the period up to March 31, and bombarded potential investors with …
Courier mishap sends woman's corpse to shopping club
Box marked perishable
A mix-up at a freight forwarding firm meant a dead woman's torso was diverted from a research facility in Florida and shipped to a wholesale shopping club in Massachusetts instead.
Staff at the headquarters of BJ's Wholessales Club's HQ in Westborough, Mass, were initially unconcerned when the comparatively large package turned …
Microsoft and Facebook in $1bn pass the IP parcel play
Old vet and new media upstart bond - looks like trouble
Microsoft and Facebook concluded a significant round of pass the patent parcel today as the soon-to-IPO social network gained rights to a bundle of IP formerly belonging to AOL.
The companies have carved up the $1bn patent pile that Microsoft secured from AOL earlier this month, strengthening both their respective IP positions …
Workers' comp covers sex-related injuries, judge rules
Peace of mind while on the job AND on the job
Injuries sustained while having sex on a work trip are covered by workers' compensation, an Australian federal judge has ruled.
The ruling accepted that the nookie-related injury sustained by a government employee on a business trip occurred during "the course of employment", overturning an earlier rejection of the woman's claim …
Techie stages 'strip down' protest at TSA 'harassment'
Naked but unstressed man does 'something with internet'
An Oregon man who "does something with the internet" stripped stark naked at Portland airport on Tuesday in a protest at TSA screening policies.
John E Brennan, 50, turned up to board a flight San Jose yesterday, according to reports, but took umbrage at the TSA's screening procedures.
KATU News reports that Brennan said he was …
Intel boss turns earnings call into iPhone flirt fest
Apple leaves better 'taste in mouth' than Qualcomm
Intel boss Paul Otellini used its Q1 earnings call today to continue the chip giant's flirty pitch to build chips for Apple's iOS devices.
The vendor flagged up the launch of the first Intel-based smartphone, which is expected as early as next week.
However, Otellini also used its briefing with analysts to make a public pitch …
Intel beats Q1 expectations, jacks up revenue forecast
Says Thai flood effect now all washed up
Intel crept in over expectations with its Q1 results today, though its silicon business dipped 2 per cent on the previous year's slightly longer quarter.
The chip giant characterized its Q1 performance as a "solid start" to the year, and was bullish enough to jack up its expectations for the second quarter.
Revenues were $12. …
Austrian village considers a F**king name change
Residents to spare blushes with double G-string
An Austrian village with an amusingly obscene name has decided to throw in the towel and vote on whether to change it.
The 100 odd residents of Fucking, in Upper Austria, are to vote this week on whether to change their hamlet's name to something less attractive to English-speaking visitors, the Daily Telegraph reports.
The …
German software giant plucks London software outfit
my-Channels is now Software AG's
Software AG has hoovered up a UK-based messaging software developer founded by a bunch of Deutsche Bank alumni.
The German enterprise software vendor has bought out 13-year old London-based my-Channels for a sum reportedly in the low double digits of million euros.
my-Channels' "extremely fast (low latency) messaging software …
'Not guilty' plea in Utah cop site hacking case
Police twitter feed doesn't wait for court hearing
An Ohio man pleaded not guilty today to charges that he hacked into a pair of police websites in Salt Lake City, Utah in January.
John Anthony Borell III, a 21 year old from Ohio, made the plea at an arraignment hearing in Salt Lake City today, AP reports. He faces up to ten years inside and a $250,000 fine if found guilty on …
Pope's PR says Vatican in grip of WikiLeaks-style scandal
Leaky cardinals allege assassination plots, banking misdeeds
The Pope's top PR man has declared that the Vatican is in the midst of its own "WikiLeaks" scandal after a flurry of confidential Papal documents were fed to the media by apparently disgruntled cardinals.
The leaks have ranged from documents covering allegedly murky operations at the Vatican bank, to an investigation into a …
The El Reg book library - now on ePub
No Kindle? No problem
You asked for it, now you're going to get it.
We're talking about making the El Reg collection of ebooks available on ePub as well as Kindle.
Now you can enjoy the finest collected writing from our crack journalists on your Kobo, Sony Reader, Android tablet or Nook. Or all the above, if you're that way inclined.
So if you want …
The Register Comments Guidelines, 2012
New world, nearly new rules
The Register operates a hybrid moderation policy. Here's how it works.
The vast majority of comments will appear on the site automatically. This is because we trust you to follow the house rules.
But just in case ... we have a mechanism for readers to report comments. The moderators will continue to deal with any comments and/ …
Virginia ponders tax breaks for (dead) human space flights
The right stuff - cremated
The US may not be able to singlehandedly put a live man into space right now, but Virginia politicians may be about to boost the number of dead Americans catapulted into orbit.
The Virginia General Assembly is soon to consider a bill that will allow an income tax deduction of up to $8,000 (£5,100) for burials in space, WTVR …
Russian diplomat caught driving while 15 TIMES over booze limit
Blood supply was boozier than a glass of claret
A Russian diplomat was an epic 15 times over the drink-driving limit when he was collared by Polish cops on Sunday.
The unnamed cunning linguist drove erratically until he was stopped by cops in the Pomerania region, the Moscow Times reports.
Cops felt the foreign service operative was behaving in a "strange" manner, the Times …
Man sues boss for 'condemning him to eternal damnation'
666 sticker was portal to hell, argues Christian
An American man has brought a wrongful dismissal suit over his former employer's attempt to make him wear the number of the beast - in the guise of a safety record sticker.
Billy E Hyatt alleges that he was fired from the Pliant Corp plastics factory in northern Georgia for refusing to wear a sticker declaring the factory had …
Irish website promises you'll never miss a funeral again
All the deaths you want, plus interactive mapping
Irish netizens and their country's diaspora need never miss an important demise in their homeland again, after the launch of DeathIreland.com.
The site promises to keep subscribers "up to date with all the deaths in your town, city or county - and much more". The much more appears to be interactive mapping to every church and …
Reg man the most-flamed recruiter in the UK?
FoTW Dom Connor IS 'the unemployment problem', readers declare
Last week's article by Dominic Connor on how some techies really, really need some help with their CVs hit a number of nerves.
flame_thrower Image via Shutterstock
It's quite possible that this single piece will earn Dominic The Reg's annual most flamed writer award for 2011.
Now, we know you're busy people, so here are …
BT Tower falls over, crushes X Factor hopefuls
Simon Cowell's monster downed in giant pussy* attack?
BT's iconic central London tower flipped out on Saturday evening, delaying transmission of an episode of The X Factor for 15 minutes.
The delay to the start of Saturday night talent-show-cum-hard-luck-story-cringefest sparked a cascade of conspiracy theories, as concerned fans stayed on their arses to bombard Twitter and …
Az mayor offers Prince Harry beer and pizza in fornication row
Bud and a 12 inch pepperoni unlikely to dampen royal ardour
The Mayor of Gila Bend, Arizona has offered Prince Harry a pizza supper and a "beer summit" to lay to rest claims that he warned the third in line to the throne off fornicating with the local ladies.
However, the proposed booze-up is bound to be interpreted as a cunning ruse designed to render the playboy prince incapable of …
Hong Kongers fight for right to stand in line for iPhone 4S
Foreign pro queuers face wrath of indigenous amateurs
Apple's Hong Kong store appeared to have banned the traditional queue fest ahead of its launch of the iPhone 4S this weekend, after "tongue fights" between "professional" queuers and their amateur counterparts threatened to get much nastier.
The queueing "ban" came after a day of rising tensions, which culminated in police " …
