The Register Columnists

Joe Fay

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Joe Fay is group editor of The Register, and The Channel.

World religions stake out positions on Pokemon Go

Pokemon’s potential for precipitating the end of civilization has been starkly highlighted as the world’s major religions begin to take up positions on the game which sees grownups wandering the planet in pursuit of non-existent entities. Time reports that Saudi clerics have taken a stand against the game, reiterating a pre- …
Joe Fay, 22 Jul 2016

Need a Brain Lift? Welcome to the Reg Summer School

Reg Events Whether you’re getting ready to hit the beach, or just hit the sofa, holidays needn’t necessarily mean turning off your brain for the summer. But how to keep the grey cells ticking over while you’re topping up your tan - or just your gin and tonic? Well, you could do worse than dip into our repository of Register lectures, …
Joe Fay, 21 Jul 2016
red_hat_648

Red Hat redraws Ansible Tower so even enterprise managers can get it

Red Hat has given its Ansible Tower a good scrubbing down before smoothing the UI to better penetrate big money corporate accounts. Tower is Red Hat’s paid for version of the open source Ansible automation platform, effectively a GUI and services package around the core product. Well, we say GUI, but Tower 3.0, released today …
Joe Fay, 20 Jul 2016
Andy Stanford-Clark lecture

Reg readers head to pub to hear about the digital home

Reg Lecture Every inventor wants to build a better moustetrap, so it’s no surprise that IBM master inventor Andy Stanford-Clark make sure he applied his IoT expertise to inflicting mayhem on his unwanted mursine visitors. This was just one example deployed at his recent Register Summer Lecture. No one wants a dead mouse stinking up the …
Joe Fay, 20 Jul 2016
Welders wearing protective clothing fixing welding and grinding industrial construction oil and gas or water and sewerage plumbing pipeline outside on site. Photo by Andrea Slatter/Shutterstock

Electric Cloud offers cautious corporates Canary choice

Electric Cloud has promised a raft of new deployment options in the latest release of its application deployment platform as it looks to bring the joy of DevOps to even the most crusty and sprawling customers. The San Jose-based firm is one of the most vocal standard bearers for DevOps and Continuous Delivery, and having …
Joe Fay, 20 Jul 2016
Giant Pikachu Pokemon balloon flown at the 89th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on Columbus Circle. EDITORIAL USE ONLY. Photo credit: Lev Radin / Shutterstock.com

Blighty's Coastguard goes into battle against waterborne Pokemon

Suspicions are rising that Pokemon Go is some sort of massive Darwinian experiment, after HM Coastguard was forced to warn the UK populace about the dangers of attempting to capture waterborne varieties of the non-existence pocket monsters. The coastguard said that early this morning, it was “was called to investigate reports …
Joe Fay, 19 Jul 2016
Pokemon toys

Trump? Terror? Turkey? Whoa, there's a Tentacool in that Bush...

If terror attacks, coups and the prospect of a Trump presidency aren’t enough to convince the end of days might just be at hand, a brief review of the weekend’s Pokemon Go related news should tip the balance. As the augmented reality monster hunting smartphone game rolled out across the real world, players were shot at and …
Joe Fay, 18 Jul 2016
trolley_shopping_648

Atlassian looks at StatusPage, reaches for wallet

Atlassian has made its first buy since raising $462m in its December IPO, snapping up StatusPage. StatusPage, which is barely three years old, is described as "the leader in status and incident communication." More particularly, it offers a hosted service for status pages covering incidents, scheduled maintenance and the like …
Joe Fay, 14 Jul 2016
A Go Board

Reg readers cluster in pub to ponder artificial intelligence

Reg Events If you’re worried about scientists developing a computer as smart as you are, relax. It’s likely but not certain that “human level” AI could be reached by the end of this century, Professor Murray Shanahan told an audience of eager Register readers at our second Summer lecture recently. However, once that milestone is reached …
Joe Fay, 14 Jul 2016
Crocodile Dundee, 20th Century Fox.

Alleged Aussie plum plucker pleads guilty to motel tissue swipe

An Australian man has pleaded guilty to a string of charges after allegedly performing an "unauthorised" bollock-ectomy on a 52-year-old fellow Aussie in a New South Wales motel. According to reports, 57-year-old Allan George Matthews has copped to charges of “removing tissues from the body of another without consent or …
Joe Fay, 13 Jul 2016
Partnership

IBM caps '20 years' of deep MS love with Surface deal

IBM has become the latest sometime hardware giant to agree to push software giant Microsoft’s client hardware - years after selling off its own client devices business. MS device marketing general manager Brian Hall said in a blog post that IBM had joined the Surface Enterprise Initiative along with consultancy and contracting …
Joe Fay, 12 Jul 2016
The finished sandwich

Cycling paramedics in epic rush to save patient who ate stale sandwich

Cancel Independence 3 and put Episode VIII on hold. Hollywood need look no further than the London Ambulance Service’s Cycle Response Team for next year’s summer blockbuster, after its Twitter feed revealed the gritty reality of saving East London while balanced on two wheels. The bike-based team revealed yesterday that its …
Joe Fay, 11 Jul 2016
Mclaren F1 car with NTT logo

NTT slips into ITC cockpit at F1 legends McLaren

Notoriously secretive F1 team McLaren-Honda is set to race into the cloud with a worldwide tech partnership with Japanese teclo NTT Communications. Speaking to journalists at McLaren’s Woking HQ team, McLaren Technology Group chairman and CEO Ron Dennis said data and analytics played a key role in the McLaren operation. The …
Joe Fay, 08 Jul 2016
The Kardashians. Photo by Tinseltown/Shutterstock editorial use only MUST ATTRIBUTE

Sociology student gets a First for dissertation on Kardashians

A sociology student has scored a first class degree in sociology, in large part because of her mighty 10,000-word thesis on American reality TV "star" family the Kardashians. And if 10,000 words is enough to score you a Bachelors these days, there must be reams of show-biz journalists out there who just qualified for PhDs. …
Joe Fay, 06 Jul 2016
Linday Lohan

Lindsay Lohan ‘happy’ to turn on Kettering

Troubled wildchild turned Brexit commenter Lindsay Lohan has accepted the challenge of turning on Kettering for Christmas, in order to “redeem her political reputation”. Lindsay, who is currently having a rest in the UK, displayed a hitherto unknown talent for political analysis as the referendum results poured in last week, …
Joe Fay, 01 Jul 2016
Pulling the plug

Bank tech boss: Where we're going, we don't need mainframes

Dutch finance giant ING is moving away from mainframes as “aggressively” as it can, rejecting vendors’ hopes that a little sprinkling of Agile dust will give the venerable platform a new lease of life. Speaking at the DevOps Enterprise Summit in London on Thursday, Ron van Kemenade, CIO ING Bank, detailed the bank’s …
Joe Fay, 01 Jul 2016

Cubesats, balloons, and rockets: Top prof takes us to new space

Reg Lecture If you fancy leaving the turmoil of Earth for a bit, don’t worry. Leaving the planet may be about to get much much easier – so long as you don’t mind the company of Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. That was one conclusion from last week’s splendid Reg Summer Lecture, courtesy of International Space University’s Professor Chris Welch …
Joe Fay, 29 Jun 2016

Gun-jumping French pols demand rapid end to English in EU

Brexit A brace of French politicians has demanded a rapid post-Brexit de-anglicisation of EU business, potentially leaving the English-speaking majority of Ireland scrabbling for their Gaelic phrase books. The Gallic complaints about the English language came as the Irish Language Commissioner detailed Irish Irish speakers' …
Joe Fay, 27 Jun 2016
 CRAY-1 on display in the hallways of the EPFL in Lausanne.

Cray explores options for supercomputing-as-a-service

Cray is exploring options to offer supercomputing "as a service", but don’t expect AWS to be offering the venerable vendor’s number-crunching monsters online anytime soon. Rather, the company is looking at ways it can offer its technology as a service, which if nothing else potentially relieves customers of at least some of …
Joe Fay, 27 Jun 2016
(Another) One of These Things is Not Like the Other, JD Hancock, Flickr, CC-2.0

Things ain't what they used to be... Find out how at The Reg Lecture

However it might look today, the world is not actually full of dumb, inanimate objects. Things might not be alive, but they are certainly digital, and this has profound implications for all of us. That's why on July 5, IBM inventor and Newcastle Uni visiting prof Andy Stanford-Clark will be joining The Register to explain what …
Joe Fay, 24 Jun 2016
Scones with jam and cream. Photo by Shutterstock

Patriotic Brits rush into streets to celebrate… National Cream Tea Day

A storm-tossed Britain woke up this morning to the heart-warming news that…it’s National Cream tea day. You've probably noticed that the country has recently been subjected to a series of rancorous debates on fundamental issues such as whether it's pronounced “scone” or “scone”. Well the debate is over, and the answers are in …
Joe Fay, 24 Jun 2016
Snake oil salesman

Deploying software every day is... actually... OK – what devs tell their real-life friends

“High-performing organisations” which have employed agile and devops methodologies are decisively pulling away from their fuddy-duddy peers in the number of software deployments they can manage. But while the idea of deploying software 200 times more frequently than low performing companies might fill some developers with …
Joe Fay, 23 Jun 2016

Utah sheriffs blow $10,000 on smut-sniffing Labrador

A sheriff’s department in Utah has spent $10,000 on black Labrador they say can sniff out porn and other illicit digital materials. The deployment of the black Lab, dubbed URL but pronounced Earl, in Weber County comes just months after Utah became the first state in the US to declare pornography a full-fledged public health …
Joe Fay, 23 Jun 2016

Late night smartphone use makes women go blind

Taking your smartphone to bed won’t just leave you tossing and turning, it can actually make you go temporarily blind, a team of London-based doctors have warned. A letter to the New England Journal of Medicine from a London-based team of researchers and medics details two cases of “transient monocular vision loss” the team …
Joe Fay, 23 Jun 2016
Dog and fence, mage via Shutterstock

Chinese demand end to canine carvery festival

A whopping 8 million Chinese citizens have called on Beijing to call time on the country’s infamous Yulin Lychee Dog Meat Festival, saying it was harming the country’s image abroad. The 10-day festival begins this week, and an estimated 10,000 pooches – and a substantial side of cats – are set to be served up each day for the …
Joe Fay, 21 Jun 2016