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Robin Lettice

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Flaming squirrel nicked for blatant forgeries

Comments A suicide squirrel, possibly trained by the sciurine arm of Al-Qaeda, dove into and destroyed a Toyota Camry. The critter bit through a powerline and was set alight, causing it to plummet onto the car. It then slid into the engine compartment and caused an explosion that did for the vehicle. In anticipation of Halloween, the …
Robin Lettice, 27 Oct 2007
The Register breaking news

Leprechaun steals Gandalf's trousers, is offered starring role in The Hobbit

Comments Microsoft has announced its intention to try to read our minds. Saying it wants to better understand human-computer interaction, the mega-corporation has filed a patent for a psychic alternative to those irritating surveys no one likes. You were full of dystopian predictions: It looks like you're trying to compose a thought. …
Robin Lettice, 19 Oct 2007
The Register breaking news

Never trust a robot with anal beads and a fixed grin

Comments The flying car, that which we Reg hacks demand of all and sundry after a few pints, looks like becoming a reality. The Terrafugia Transition® is a bit more like a plane that can drive, but it seems to fit the bill anyway. You shared our excitement: "Marty, where we're going, we won't need roads, just a runway. Oh, and you …
Robin Lettice, 14 Oct 2007
The Register breaking news

Alcohol makes you smart enough to study it

Comments Studious teens can now take a course in "alcohol awareness" and earn a certificate equivalent to half a GCSE. The exam appears not to include a practical section, instead focussing on the dangers of drinking to excess. Always willing to discuss alcohol, you bit right in: Happy days. I actually moved from lager to mild (i.e. …
Robin Lettice, 05 Oct 2007
The Register breaking news

Ninjas battle invisible frogs in Hitler's San Diego bunker

Comments Ninjas have invaded Pennsylvania, and are holding up petrol ('gas' to their American victims) stations at swordpoint. Two female ninjas, that staple of the videogame industry, stole "cash, cigarettes and lottery tickets" from a terrified clerk. While the latter two items don't really fit the ninja mystique, that didn't matter to …
Robin Lettice, 29 Sep 2007
The Register breaking news

Spunky salmon return to life to gas us all

Comments We begin the weekly comments mishmash with a close look at fish sperm. Apparently there are many, many salmon farmers sitting around wondering what to do with all those gallons of salmon spunk they don't need. So to forestall them getting any bright ideas, a top light-emitting-diode boffin has announced plans to use it for a …
Robin Lettice, 21 Sep 2007
The Register breaking news

Tech gets steamier with mp3 vibrators and strap-on kit

Comments An armed robber, evidently going for the soft targets, attempted to hold up a karate school in the Columbian town of Bucaramanga. For his pains he received a dis-arming and further pain when the students "put their knowledge to use". A bit of practical experience probably did them some good, although the robber might have …
Robin Lettice, 14 Sep 2007
The Register breaking news

Toddler flexibility at risk as rock stars and goats die young

Comments: Toddlers have been banned from practicing yoga in a Somerset church hall, because the activity is "unchristian" and promotes other spiritualities. The interesting image of toddlers doing yoga aside, at least one of you dove straight into the gutter: Have you seen some of these yoga mums and the clothes they wear to do yoga in …
Robin Lettice, 07 Sep 2007
The Register breaking news

Kung-fu monks can kick ass, but they can't reincarnate

Comments Monks at the Shaolin Temple in China, highly incensed by an assertion by a Japanese internet user that a single ninja had once laid the smackdown on their greatest, have deployed a fearsome warrior lawyer (presumably trained to an equally high standard in both law and arse-kicking). They have demanded that the internet user " …
Robin Lettice, 03 Sep 2007
The Register breaking news

Boys' toys get burned, glued and impounded

Comments Bad things have been happening to the male anatomy this week, with torchings and glueings being sustained. Well-known extensions (cars and guns) get a fair mention too. We begin with a sticky situation. Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf (that noted performer) has attached himself by the danglies to a vacuum cleaner. The DIY gluing …
Robin Lettice, 24 Aug 2007
The Register breaking news

Man loses leg in bathtub romp

Comments Friday is here again, and we begin on a pious note. Good news for the ostentatiously religious among you: Gold River Productions has come out with a Christian ringtones service. Fellow commuters can be treated to a reading of a bible verse or a Christian rock ditty, among other choices, and you might want to hold off answering …
Robin Lettice, 17 Aug 2007
The Register breaking news

AK-wielding geckos levitate in from the Tower of Doom

Comments Another week goes by and there are more lizards, more weapons, more examples of verbal silliness and, of course, more comments. Note: some comments are attributed to "Anon". This is shorthand and stands for "The Anointed One"; he who is all-knowing, all-reading and on-all-commenting. Desperate for something to do with …
Robin Lettice, 11 Aug 2007
The Register breaking news

Ban the internet! It's full of worms and iPlayers

Comments The internet is a blight on our fair society. The iPlayer, viruses and The Register are testament to that fact. The Professional Teachers Association has voted to ban the internet and Wi-Fi from schools. It's a sensible proposal from a sensible organisation. You seemed to think otherwise: I assume none of these 'professionals …
Robin Lettice, 03 Aug 2007
The Register breaking news

Laser iPhones shrink your brains

Comments It's been a fairly average week, with the normal crop of lasers, abnormal cranial conditions and massively overpriced drinks. We'll start with an iPhone article. Don't worry, it's the only one. A vulnerability has been discovered in the iPhone, and an exploit devised. There's been less of a row than usual, but it's still there …
Robin Lettice, 28 Jul 2007
The Register breaking news

Keeping abreast of disappointing Apple products

Comments The iPhone continues to dominate this week, with many comments telling us or fellow readers to shut up. Nobody seems to have any intention of doing so, which is as it should be. Reg reviewer Cade Metz decided to return his iPhone and moaned about the restocking fee. This led to a great many comments. As usual, there was a …
Robin Lettice, 21 Jul 2007
The Register breaking news

iPhones, iPhones and more iPhones

Comments It's been a particularly iPhone-strewn week, now that the Yanks have got their hands on the precious device, and the lovers and haters have come right out of the woodwork. New hack Jefferson Alberry II received the customary Reg reader welcome in the comments on his first story, What's al-Qaeda's take on the iPhone? A …
Robin Lettice, 13 Jul 2007
The Register breaking news

Children fight back against RIAA, take over Mensa

Comments Science, smarts and children seem to dominate this week. We hope you all had the smarts to avoid the following occupations. Noted science red-top Popular Science has published a list of the ten worst jobs in science. "Microsoft Security Grunt" made number five, but you had your own suggestions: I wonder where body recovery …
Robin Lettice, 29 Jun 2007
The Register breaking news

Unplugged life supports and padlocked manhoods abound

Comments Happy Friday, everyone! It's time for another round of comments. Anxious for sleep in an intensive care ward, a German teenager unplugged the funny, beeping machine that his immediate neighbour didn't seem to be using for much. It was a pity that it happened to be the patient's life support system, but heroic hospital staff …
Robin Lettice, 22 Jun 2007
The Register breaking news

Rufus, Mok and Lai urinate on mean customers' baggage

Comments Another Friday, and another batch of comments, some of which almost have an IT angle. Let's get stuck in. A Lancashire lad got into trouble with plod for doing 140mph on the M65. Kids today, eh? Most of you did not approve: Lets hope the little prick gets a jail sentence. The speed is one thing, but I'm surprised he didn't …
Robin Lettice, 15 Jun 2007
The Register breaking news

Naked builders hate ugly logos, but don't frequent Google Maps

Friday again, folks, and you, our very own chattering masses, have been pressing enter like crazy. We'll start with an issue that seemed to unite us all for a few days. The London 2012 Olympics logo was launched on Monday to universal derision. Opinions were divided over what it was meant to be and what it actually looks like, …
Robin Lettice, 08 Jun 2007
The Register breaking news

Dr Who saves Thailand from evil canine unmentionables

Comments It's Friday again, and time for another batch of comments. Your televisions are quite dear to you, as evidenced by how worked up some of you got over our first bit of news. Doctor Who is to get the axe at the end of this series. Or not. Maybe. Anyway, The Sun reported it, so it must be true. You were divided, but those who …
Robin Lettice, 01 Jun 2007
The Register breaking news

Linux fans go nuclear over Microsoft's patent teasing

Comments A week has passed and we're back with another Best of Comments feature. You've been busy, and as a consequence, so have we. So let's get started. Microsoft announced that Linux violates 235 of its patents, and then declined to reveal which patents this covered. The reason? The paperwork. You didn't buy it: "I could be wrong …
Robin Lettice, 25 May 2007
The Register breaking news

Paris and Lara share a cell with rude speeder

Comments We recently rolled out comments pages to most stories on the site, and it seems we opened a bit of a floodgate. You guys just won't shut up. And in the best traditions of appeasement we are announcing a new regular feature: a Best of Comments article. We may just be crazy. First up, a speeding motorist made a rude gesture at …
Robin Lettice, 18 May 2007
graph up

Phoenix tears Stafford from BT

Phoenix IT Group has appointed Jeremy Stafford as Chief Operating Officer. He will take up his position and join the Phoenix board by 1 July 2007. Stafford (44) is moving from BT, where he worked for 16 years, most recently as Managing Director, Government Business. He was previously UK MD, BT Syntegra, and before this led a …
Robin Lettice, 08 Jan 2007

Computer 2000 fills board of directors

Computer 2000, the UK arm of Tech Data, has appointed Andrew Shepperd as Director of Azlan UK and of Alice Smitheman as Product Marketing Director. It is also today announcing a number of internal appointments which will complete its board of directors. Shepperd returns to Tech Data after spending the last four years as Sales …
Robin Lettice, 05 Jan 2007

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