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So, just how do you say 'the mutt's nuts' in French?

Our Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) mission is on temporary hold today while we attempt to answer a question of vital linguistic import: just how do you say "the mutt's nuts" in French? Last week we unveiled the magnificent finished livery of our Vulture 2 spaceplane... The Space Graphics Solutions team poses with …
Lester Haines, 23 Apr 2014
The Space Graphics Solutions team poses with the wrapped Vulture 2

LOHAN and the amazing technicolor spaceplane

Cue the traditional portentous drumroll and fanfare of trumpets as we reveal today the finished livery of our Vulture 2 spaceplane – a provocative combination of paint job and vinyl wrap which is, frankly, the mutt's nuts. Fans of our Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) project will recall we asked readers back in …
Lester Haines, 19 Apr 2014

Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise

Residents in the Spanish village of Castrillo* Matajudíos (Castrillo Kill the Jews) will vote on Saturday on whether it's time to change the name of their small hamlet in the province of Burgos to something a little less offensive. Castrillo Matajudios as seen on Street View A sign of the old times: Castrillo Matajudíos as …
Lester Haines, 18 Apr 2014

Fancy joining Reg hack on quid-a-day challenge?

Last year, I rather recklessly signed my self up for the Live Below the Line quid-a-day nosh challenge, which involves surviving for five days on £1 per day for food. Here are my supplies at the beginning of the week... My supplies for five days My Live Below the Line 2013 supplies ...which kicked off with fried egg sarnies, …
Lester Haines, 17 Apr 2014
Double Facepalm; when one facepalm is not enough.

Red-faced LOHAN team 'fesses up in blown SPEARS fuse fiasco

It's while standing in the corner of the room wearing pointy hats emblazoned with a big "D" that the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team admits today that the blown fuse which scuppered our recent Punch test flight actually went pop back in September last year. Youtube Video Yes indeed, during the test flight of …
Lester Haines, 16 Apr 2014
The LOHAN team prepares for launch this morning

LOHAN's Punch and Judy show: The big fat round-up

The dust has pretty well settled on the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) Punch and Judy test flights, and we now present for your further entertainment a round-up of the two missions. Watch Video As you can see from the above timelapse video of the launches last Thursday, we did finally get off the ground after a …
Lester Haines, 16 Apr 2014
The LOHAN team prepares for launch this morning

Reg LOHAN spaceplane: Punch and Judy show in comedy non-explosive climax

It's with more than a degree of staring at the heavens in exasperation that we confirm what those of you watching the live coverage of yesterday's Punch and Judy test flights had already deduced - that the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team failed to make fire in the sky. Dave and Anthony prepare for launch as …
Lester Haines, 11 Apr 2014
The LOHAN team poses with the Vulture 2

LOHAN spaceplane 'Punch and Judy' test flights live online

If you're looking for some light entertainment this fine April morning, then tune in to the live launch of the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) "Punch" and "Judy" test flights. Dave Akerman and I are at Blighty's Baikonur in Herefordshire, determined to get two mighty orbs aloft. The live feed from the launch site is …
Lester Haines, 10 Apr 2014

LOHAN's Punch and Judy show relaunches Thursday

Following last weekend's cancellation of the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) "Punch" and "Judy" test flights due to high winds, the team is relieved to announce that Thursday morning is looking good for a second pop. Saturday's planned missions were scuppered by excessive gustiness at the Herefordshire launch site, …
Lester Haines, 09 Apr 2014
The LOHAN team prepares for launch this morning

The Punch and Judy show is LIVE NOW cancelled

Update at 14:12: Today' flights have been cancelled due to high winds. Highly irritating, but that's the British weather for you. We'll let you know when we've formed an alternative plan. The Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) "Punch" and "Judy" test flights are about to kick off - assuming the wind doesn't scupper …
Lester Haines, 05 Apr 2014

LOHAN's Punch and Judy show is GO for Saturday

The Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) "Punch" and "Judy" test flights are go for tomorrow (Saturday 5 April), and as ever we'll be streaming proceedings live over the interwebs so you make yourselves a nice cuppa, kick back and follow the action live from the comfort of your PC. First up, we have the Punch rocket motor …
Lester Haines, 04 Apr 2014
Fire flames come from chamber as lid blows off

Middle England trembles before roaring LOHAN

There are only a few days left before our planned "Punch" and "Judy" flights on Saturday 5 April, so a slightly sooty Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team is pleased to report that we've wrapped the final ground-based rocket motor tests in the Rocketry Experimental High Altitude Barosimulator (REHAB) hypobaric …
Lester Haines, 02 Apr 2014

LOHAN team gears up for Punch and Judy show

It's all go on the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) front as the British contingent of the team gears up for the forthcoming "Punch" and "Judy" test flights. On 5 April, we'll assemble at the new "Blighty's Baikonur" (formerly in Berkshire, now relocated to Herefordshire) to launch two balloon payloads. The first …
Lester Haines, 31 Mar 2014

LOHAN preps Vulture 2 for hot vinyl wrap

The Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team has some good news and some bad news today. The good news is that we've finished the paint element of of Vulture 2 spaceplane's livery, and it looks absolutely magnificent. The bad news, for you lot at least, is that we're not going to show our beloved readers just how …
Lester Haines, 28 Mar 2014

Dear Reg: What is a 'Lag' and a 'Jacksey'?

It's Thursday, and we could all do with a bit of light relief at the end of the week, so here is some, in the form of an entertaining email which landed in my inbox earlier this week: To L. Haines, What is a "Lag" ?and what is Jacksey" [sic] ? (article seen on Google TODAY!) Would you be speaking SO RUDELY about a person if …
Lester Haines, 27 Mar 2014

Middle England's allotments become metric battlefield

Imperial traditionalists have expressed dismay that allotments will henceforth be measured in metres, thereby ending a 600-year-old system of staking out municipal veg patches in poles. According to the Daily Mail, shocked gardeners have received rent renewal notices from their town halls reclassifying the standard "10 pole" …
Lester Haines, 24 Mar 2014

Cops bang up squiffy, nude Virginian minx

A Virginian earned herself a cuffing last Saturday night after allegedly rolling up at a cop shop both drunk and in the buff, demanding to see her incarcerated hubby. Maura Fussell poses for an Arlington County Police mugshot According to this report, 26-year-old Maura Fussell, of Reston, arrived at Arlington Magistrate’s …
Lester Haines, 21 Mar 2014

Vote now for the top reader Limerick limerick

A couple of weeks back, we reported on the shock case of the biroless Irish police station which posed a serious threat to public order in Limerick. Judge Eugene O'Kelly heard the case of one miscreant who rolled up at the Henry Street gardaí station "to sign on as a condition of his bail relating to a separate matter". He was …
Lester Haines, 21 Mar 2014

QUIDOCALYPSE: Blighty braces for £100 MILLION cost of new £1 coin

As we predicted yesterday, it hasn't taken coin-guzzling machine operators long to kick off moaning about the cost of converting kit to accept Blighty's new 12-sided quid*, slated to hits the streets in 2017. The proposed 12-sided pound coin. Pic: The Royal Mint We suggested the retrofit bill for the old thrupenny-inspired …
Lester Haines, 20 Mar 2014

LOHAN bloodhound unleashes solar-powered minitracker

Fans of our Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) project with a particular interest in the radio electronics side of spaceplane missions will doubtless enjoy a first look at a new miniature tracker from team member Anthony Stirk - the sleek black PAVA 9. Anthony's PAVA 9 tracker Anthony's PAVA programme was inspired by …
Lester Haines, 19 Mar 2014

Blighty goes retro with 12-sided pound coin

In agreeable news for those readers who can remember when it was all trees round here and you could get an enormous paper bagful of gobstoppers for thruppence, The Royal Mint has unveiled a decidedly retro 12-sided design for Blighty's £1 coin. The proposed 12-sided pound coin. Pic: The Royal Mint The mint reckons that a …
Lester Haines, 19 Mar 2014

French novel falls foul of Apple's breast inspectors

French publishing house Les Editions des Equateurs is protesting vociferously that Apple has declined to to carry its novel La Femme online, due to an excessively jubular cover. Bénédicte Martin's book is set for release on 20 March, but won't be available via the fruity monolith due to an "inappropriate" image of a topless …
Lester Haines, 18 Mar 2014

Wackadoo DIYers scissor-kick beatboxer

The Oxford English Dictionary has announced the latest tranche of terms to be admitted to its hallowed pages, including some c-words so strong that neither we nor the Daily Mail dare utter them before a family readership. On the roster of almost 900 new words, new subentries and new senses we find that "beatboxer" "bestie", " …
Lester Haines, 17 Mar 2014

Punch and Judy face Blofeld in LOHAN doomsday box test

As we recently announced, the British contingent of the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team will assemble in Blighty on 5 April for the final test flights before the launch of our Vulture 2 spaceplane. Watch Video The first stratomission, dubbed "Punch", will lift a small Cesaroni rocket motor to 20,000m to …
Lester Haines, 14 Mar 2014

Actually, there is an Arapaho word for 'pliers'

The Vulture Central backroom boys are running around like headless chickens following the revelation that our new BuzzGasm feed is not functioning to the high standards of factual accuracy our demanding readers expect. For those of you not familiar with BuzzGasm, the El Reg Strategy Boutique describes it as "an automated …
Lester Haines, 14 Mar 2014

Nipper rolls up at nursery with 48 wraps of HEROIN

A New Jersey dad was arrested earlier this week after staff at his two-year-old kid's daycare centre reportedly found the nipper was carrying 48 paper envelopes* of heroin stuffed in his jacket. A worker at the centre in Paterson, some 30km west of New York, alerted cops to the discovery on Monday. Officers, having determined it …
Lester Haines, 13 Mar 2014

Brawling neighbours challenge 'quiet' cul-de-sac myth

A decidedly unneighbourly dispute over cat crap which ended in flying feline faeces and court appears to challenge the myth of the traditional "quiet" cul-de-sac. The unholy rumpus in Chippenham, Wiltshire, inspired a Daily Mail headline containing "Neighbours in quiet suburban cul-de-sac brawl over CAT POO", which in turn …
Lester Haines, 13 Mar 2014

NZ bloke's drunken poker bet ends in 99-letter name

A New Zealand lad is finally feeling the full effect of a lost poker bet some five years after he was obliged to change his name to "Full Metal Havok More Sexy N Intelligent Than Spock And All The Superheroes Combined With Frostnova." According to the New Zealand Herald, the 22-year-old Normanby local duly registered his new …
Lester Haines, 12 Mar 2014

Irish plod biro outrage invites Limerick Limerick challenge

Our piece yesterday on the Irish judge who got a tad shirty about a certain Limerick cop shop's lack of biros prompted a less than expected level of lyricism from our beloved commentards. Surely, if there were ever an occasion to lovingly craft a snappy Limerick, this was it, so we're disappointed to report that just two readers …
Lester Haines, 11 Mar 2014

Heroic Playmonaut wowed by LOHAN's bulging package

Following the recent successful fitting and testing of our Vulture 2 spaceplane's Raspberry Pi and Picam rig, the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team is relieved to announce that we've wrapped the permanent installation of the rest of the aircraft's avionics. What's more, our heroic Playmonaut now has the proper …
Lester Haines, 10 Mar 2014

Florida bloke cuffed for pit bull shag outrage

A Florida dog-lover earned himself a cuffing last week after allegedly making the beast with two backs with a pit bull, this shock local report recounts. According to cops, Tampa officers were flagged down by locals disturbed by 57-year-old Bernard Marsonek's public display of cano-jiggyness Police mugshot of Bernard Marsonek …
Lester Haines, 10 Mar 2014

Police pen shortage threatens Irish public order

An Irish judge has expressed concerns that a police biro shortage may pose a serious threat to public order in Limerick. According to the Irish Independent, several miscreants have been dragged before the beak for "engaging in a threatening and abusive manner" in the public office at Henry Street gardaí station as a result of …
Lester Haines, 10 Mar 2014

LOHAN chap hooks up with busty stratominx in cosmic pleasure cruise

The Register's Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team has expressed its shock and dismay that member Dave Akerman has chosen to play away from home with a lads' mag busty stratominx. Dave's a veteran of countless balloon launches, and is regularly approached by people in bars asking to be "taken to heaven and back". …
Lester Haines, 07 Mar 2014

Bloke rattles tin for giant 3D two-headed beast

We suspect that the Kickstarter-funded 3D printer bubble is fast approaching burst point, as hopefuls queue up to rattle their tins and get their necks in the DIY-extruded trough. It's a tough market. California outfit TJIKO Labs recently failed to raise the $35k it needed to get a snap-together printer into production, so it'll …
Lester Haines, 06 Mar 2014

Boston court confirms Peeping Tom's right to upskirt

The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court has ruled that upskirting is not prohibited under existing state law, the Boston Globe reports. The ruling came in the case of Michael Robertson, a 31-year-old arrested back in 2010 for "allegedly attempting to upskirt female passengers on Boston’s Green Line subway with his mobile phone …
Lester Haines, 06 Mar 2014

Voracious alien flatworm hits French in the escargots

Scientists across la Manche have warned that "the time for action is now" following the first discovery on European soil of an alien flatworm immigrant with a voracious appetite for snails. Several New Guinea flatworm (Platydemus manokwari) were spotted in a hothouse in the Jardin des Plantes, in Caen, and subsequently …
Lester Haines, 06 Mar 2014
putin topless

Putin to battle Snowden for Nobel Peace Prize

Russian prez Vladimir Putin and whistleblower Edward Snowden have been nominated for the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, Reuters reports. The Norwegian Nobel Committee met yesterday for a first shufti at the record 278 candidates for the award. Since the committee never reveals the luminaries on the list, any names which pop up in the …
Lester Haines, 05 Mar 2014

Reg reader rattles tin for GoPro camera 'Stubilizer'

Those among you who feel their lives lack stability are directed to Reg reader Stuart Smith's "Stubilizer" - a range of stabilising platforms for GoPro cameras which has just launched on Kickstarter. Stuart Smith models a 2-axis, helmet-mounted Stubilizer Stuart Smith sports a Stubilizer Back in January, we chewed the fat …
Lester Haines, 03 Mar 2014

Jobless mum claims Spanish councillor told her to 'go on the game'

A councillor in the Spanish town of Villarrobledo has probably had his chances of picking up the municipality's "Citizen of the Year" trophy blown after allegations surfaced that he had told a young jobseeking mum to hit the streets in search of cash. This report alleges that 21-year-old Ángeles María Herreros rolled up at …
Lester Haines, 03 Mar 2014

Inquietante testimonio gráfico: Electrosonda orgásmica anal aplicada… ¡a un TORO!

[Author's note: Since publication of the English-language version of this eye-watering report last week, I've had a few locals moaning that while the snaps were certainly entertaining, they couldn't understand the text. Well, they can stop their whining, because thanks to the translating skills of my old mate and Paper Aircraft …
Lester Haines, 28 Feb 2014

Frenchman eyes ocean domination with floating, mobile Bond villain lair

A French plan for oceanic domination is shaping up nicely with the news that construction is poised to begin on the SeaOrbiter vessel as early as Spring 2014. Artist's impression of the SeaOrbiter SeaOrbiter: Oceanic domination ahoy Described as "the only vessel in the world allowing a 24h/24 exploration on long-term …
Lester Haines, 28 Feb 2014

Booze and bacon sarnies: A recipe for immortality?

Earlier this week, a chilling and extremely newsworthy report established a link between fried meat and Alzheimer's disease. "Bacon is particularly problematic," doomwatched the Daily Mail, a noted proponent of the "if it's tasty it'll kill you" school of scientific killjoyery. Neil Cardy's massive bacon sarnie from a cafe on …
Lester Haines, 28 Feb 2014

LOHAN chap brews up 18% ABV 'V2' rocket fuel

It hasn't escaped some readers' attention that our Vulture 2 spaceplane's moniker might handily be abbreviated to "V2", which got Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) team member Paul "Lord Shax" Shackleton thinking about rocket fuel, and indeed fuel for the human elements of our audacious ballocket mission. Hitler's …
Lester Haines, 26 Feb 2014

Final LOHAN test flights codenamed 'Punch' and 'Judy'

The grand finale of the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) saga is approaching, and is now so tantalisingly close you could almost reach out and stick a match to it. It's been a long, winding road, to be sure, but we still have a few things to wrap before we can finally see what happens when you stick a rocket motor in …
Lester Haines, 25 Feb 2014

Enterprising French chap cranks up €100k 'flying car'

A French entrepreneur is hoping that by 2015, those with €100,000 in spare change will slip the surly bonds of earth aboard his Vaylon Pégase (Pegasus) flying car. Artists impression of Pegasus in flight. Pic: Vaylon La voiture volante. Pic: Vaylon Jérôme Dauffy's vehicle is actually a powered paraglider concept, with the …
Lester Haines, 24 Feb 2014

Terrifying photo special: 'Electric Cannon' anal orgasmo-probe in use ... on a BULL

For the benefit of those readers feeling frankly tired of the internet this fine February Friday, we're delighted to present a picture special so bereft of an IT angle that we're not even going to bother attempting to concoct a vaguely tenuous link. Yes indeed, if you've ever wondered - like you do - just how you milk a bull, …
Lester Haines, 21 Feb 2014

French youth faces court for illegal drone flight

A French youth who used a drone to capture impressive aerial footage of the city of Nancy is facing an appearance before the beak on a charge of "endangering the lives of others". Nans Thomas, 18, strapped a GoPro camera to an unspecified vehicle* he bought on the internet to produce a noteworthy video, which quickly became a …
Lester Haines, 21 Feb 2014

Chihuahua TERROR: Packs of TINY hounds menace Arizona

Residents of a suburb of Phoenix, Arizona, are battling to reclaim the streets from packs of Chihuahuas which have brought terror to wide-eyed kiddies obliged to run the canine gauntlet on their way to school. According to this chilling report on Fox, gangs of the diminutive mutts numbering as many as 12 roam the streets of …
Lester Haines, 20 Feb 2014

LOHAN gets intimate with 50,000 hot-blooded pilots

It's all go on the Low Orbit Helium Assisted Navigator (LOHAN) avionics front, what with handsome young autopilots springing into life and Raspberry picams snapping fetching spaceplane selfies, so this seems like a good moment to point those in search of the more esoteric aspects of the mission in the direction of our DIY Drones …
Lester Haines, 19 Feb 2014

Brit boffins brew up blight-resistant FRANKENSPUD

A team of British researchers has announced the results of test cultivation of a blight-resistant potato - a transgenic creation featuring a "gene isolated from a wild relative of potato, Solanum venturii, and introduced by GM methods into the potato variety Desiree". For three growing seasons from 2010-12, scientists from the …
Lester Haines, 18 Feb 2014