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Ancient Brits 'set wealthy man's FANCY CHARIOT on FIRE' – boffins

Archaeologists digging in Leicestershire say they have discovered the remains of a prestige-marque chariot dating from the second or third century BC, which had seemingly been torched on purpose by local inhabitants. The most prestigious badge in Iron Age British chariots According to a statement released by Leicester uni: …
Lewis Page, 15 Oct 2014

ROBOT TROUSER SNAKE stiffens to master slippery mounds

Scientists say their new snake robot has cracked the tricky problem of slithering up slippery mounds. The trouser(ed) snake robot This undeniable pushing-back of the frontiers of science comes to us courtesy of Professor Daniel Goldman's Complex Rheology And Biomechanics Lab ("the Crab Lab") at the Georgia Institute of …
Lewis Page, 10 Oct 2014

'MYSTERIOUS PYRAMID STRUCTURE' found on COMET beyond Mars: Landing planned

Exciting news from outer space today, as it has emerged that a "mysterious" pyramid-like "structure" has been discovered on the surface of a comet plunging towards the inner solar system from beyond the orbit of Mars. Necropolis-esque comet structure The comet in question is 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko, and the discovery has …
Lewis Page, 10 Oct 2014

Antarctic ice at ALL TIME RECORD HIGH: We have more to learn, says boffin

Climate scientists have confessed they are baffled – yet again – by another all-time record area of sea covered by ice around the Antarctic coasts. "What we're learning is, we have more to learn," said Ted Scambos, lead scientist at the US National Snow and Ice Data Center, announcing the latest annual sea ice maximum for the …
Lewis Page, 09 Oct 2014

DOCTOR HELL and his henchmen score Nobel for the NANO-SCOPE

Hefty German scientist Dr Stefan Hell - and American colleagues Eric Betzig and William Moerner - have been awarded the 2014 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for their development of super-high-res microscopes: so hi-res, in fact, that they are really nano-scopes. "Due to their achievements the optical microscope can now peer into the …
Lewis Page, 08 Oct 2014
Woman looks immensely happy while staring into blank screen of unplugged monitor

HOT BABES! Worried you won't get that JOB in IT? MENTION how hot you are

Who says the fields of psychology and business studies produce nothing but worthless waffle? A top professor of psychobiz has solved one of the most pressing problems facing humanity today: that of the terrible discrimination faced by attractive women when they try to get jobs which are perceived as being traditionally masculine …
Lewis Page, 08 Oct 2014
Metal Storm on a robot

Man brings knife to a gun fight and WINS

There are two things generally thought to be true. First, you should never bring a knife to a gun fight. Second, the machines are on the rise and puny humanity is set to be exterminated in an orgy of mechanised slaughter not too far in the future. Well it's a topsy turvy world, my friends, and these days it's pretty hard to know …
Lewis Page, 06 Oct 2014

Ice probe peers at hidden BOTTOMS of oceans from SPAAACE

Space is said to be the final frontier, but in fact there is also a penultimate frontier to be finished off before we get out there: the ocean depths, more than 80 per cent of which, until recently, had remained unmapped and unexplored. Not any more though, because a team of international brainboxes has decided to gaze down from …
Lewis Page, 03 Oct 2014

OMG!! With nothing but MACHINE TOOLS, STEEL and PARTS you can make a GUN!!

Not so amazingly, it turns out that with nothing more than a lot of manufactured parts and some specialised machinery, you can make a working rifle. This "news" comes to us because a man famous for pretending to make working guns from 3D-printed plastic is selling such machinery - which does rather prove that his 3D printed …
Lewis Page, 02 Oct 2014

'This BITE MARK is a SMOKING GUN': Boffins probe ancient assault

Top brainboxes using advanced technology say they may have found a "smoking gun" in the form of a bite mark inflicted during a long-ago battle between a mighty dinosaur and another giant reptile. Dino bite rumble smoking gun action The bite mark in question dates from the late Triassic era, and was found in a rare fossil which …
Lewis Page, 30 Sep 2014

Starship Troopers beat Aliens, Robots AND Chuck Norris to WIN in a FIGHT

The Big Data has spoken, and has answered the Great Question of pub/water-cooler debate: Who Would Win In A Fight? It doesn't matter just who's fighting who, as our pioneering bigdata analysis included nearly every kind of specfictional protagonist - and surely the readership of the Register contains the greatest repository of …
Lewis Page, 13 Sep 2014

Alien Ninja Fembot Pirates vs the Jedi SAS Chuck Norris startroopers: RUMBLE

So we're finally ready: it's time to bring down the mighty hammer of Big Data on the invulnerable nut of knowledge that has remained uncracked by a million arguments in pubs. That is, who would win in a fight: Ninjas, Hot Vampires With Guns, Humdrum Vampires, the SAS and SEAL Team Six, Pirates, Werewolves Which Just Turn Into …
Lewis Page, 06 Sep 2014

Cave scrawls prove Neanderthals were AT LEAST as talented as modern artists

A primitive and apparently meaningless marking ground into a rock by a Neanderthal using a crude implement more than 39,000 years ago would appear to support the idea that the pre-human ape-men possessed artistic faculties at least as sophisticated as those of the "young British artists" movement of the '90s. Dahling, such …
Lewis Page, 02 Sep 2014

Ninja Pirate Zombie Vampires versus Chuck Norris and the Space Marines

No fewer than 1,784 of you kindly volunteered to have your brains slurped in the initial stage of the Weekend Register's pioneering attempt to use hefty-data techniques to solve the most pressing puzzle of our era - namely who would win in a fight: pirates, ninjas, zombies, vampires, werewolves, aliens, robots, jedi, various …
Lewis Page, 29 Aug 2014

Vampires and Ninjas versus the Alien Jedi Robot Pirates: It's ON

For long ages past, the sages of the internet have debated one of the knottiest questions of modern times, namely: Who would win in a fight - pirates, or ninjas? Similarly, Hollywood has sought to determine whether Aliens or Predators (Predators of course are also aliens, technically the film should have been Aliens versus Other …
Lewis Page, 22 Aug 2014
Regina Egbert, El Reg's virtual news anchor

The Register to boldly go where no Vulture has gone before: The WEEKEND

On the internet there are certain things you can be pretty sure of. Nubile young women lusting after you probably aren't (any of those things); free stuff almost certainly isn't free, and may not even be stuff; and after 5pm San Francisco time on Friday there probably won't be anything decent published on the Register until the …
Lewis Page, 20 Aug 2014

The Register is HIRING technology hacks for the WORLD

The Register is recruiting new reporters and correspondents. The Register is the world's first technology tabloid and has been published exclusively online since before that was, technically, even possible. Its readership is more than nine million, including just about anybody with a professional interest in technology or IT and …
Lewis Page, 01 Aug 2014

Just TWO climate committee MPs contradict IPCC: The two with SCIENCE degrees

The UK's Parliamentary climate change select committee has just issued a written endorsement of the latest, alarmist UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) report. However, two MPs - the two most scientifically qualified on the committee - have strongly disagreed with this position. The IPCC's latest AR5 report …
Lewis Page, 29 Jul 2014
Neal's Yard introduces its 'Green Scientists'

Climate: 'An excuse for tax hikes', scientists 'don't know what they're talking about'

People all around the world, responding to a survey by Ipsos MORI, have generally agreed with the ideas that scientists don't really know what they're talking about when it comes to the climate – and that governments are using environmental issues as an excuse to raise taxes. These not-so-green views were transmitted as part of …
Lewis Page, 23 Jul 2014
Our happy travellers surrounded by armed police at LAX

New BOMB detect-o-tech 'could give sniffer dogs competition': TRUE

Researchers working on a new type of bomb detector technology have made the rather underwhelming boast that their kit "could soon give bomb-sniffing dogs some serious competition". “Bomb-sniffing dogs are expensive to train, and they can become tired,” said study co-lead author Ren-Min Ma, one of the boffins who came up with the …
Lewis Page, 21 Jul 2014
Ubisoft Driver San Francisco

Banning handheld phone use by drivers had NO effect on accident rate - study

Recent legislation banning the use of handheld phones by drivers had basically no effect on the number of road accidents, according to a new study. “If it’s really that dangerous, and if even just a fraction of people stop using their phones, we would expect to find some decrease in accidents,” says professor Daniel Kaffine, who …
Lewis Page, 21 Jul 2014

MYSTERIOUS Siberia CRATER: ALIENS or METEOR not involved, officials insist

A huge, enigmatic crater which has suddenly appeared in a remote region of Siberia was definitely not caused by an unidentified object falling from space, the Russian authorities insist. The mysterious crater seen from a passing helicopter. Credit: Konstantin Nikolaev "We can definitely say that it is not a meteorite. No …
Lewis Page, 18 Jul 2014

Huge FOUR-winged dino SPREAD LEGS to KILL – scientists

Flabbers around the world were gasted this week, as news emerged of a previously unknown flying dinosaur equipped with feathered legs – giving it the ability to make precision landings or attacks on its prey. Feathery death from above The 125-million-year-old dinosaur is of the Microraptor group and is named Changyuraptor …
Lewis Page, 16 Jul 2014
From left to right: Mastodon, mammoth, gomphothere. Credit: Sergio de la Rosa

Native Americans KILLED AND ATE DUMBO, say archaeologists

The primitive folk assessed by many archaeologists as being the original native Americans – that is, the Clovis people – killed and ate the lovable prehistoric elephants that inhabited the continent alongside them, scientists say. From left to right: Mastodon, mammoth, gomphothere. Credit: Sergio de la Rosa Majestic, delicious …
Lewis Page, 15 Jul 2014

NASA: ALIENS and NEW EARTHS will be ours inside 20 years

A group of top NASA scientists told the space agency's chief yesterday that the forthcoming generation of space telescopes are likely to discover habitable Earth-like worlds and probably alien life – perhaps within 20 years. We're all someone's Sun "Sometime in the near future, people will be able to point to a star and say, ' …
Lewis Page, 15 Jul 2014
Artist's impression of the Lythronax argestes

US authorities round up ILLEGAL DINOSAURS for repatriation

A group of unusual Asian immigrants, smuggled into the US by unscrupulous criminals, has been returned to its country of origin following an investigation by federal immigration and security operatives. The AP reports that US Attorney Preet Bharara announced the repatriation of no less than 18 distinguished Mongolians this week …
Lewis Page, 11 Jul 2014

Would it be BAD if the Amazon rainforest was all FARMS? Well it WAS, once

It's generally assumed that it would mean a disaster for the planet if the rainforests of the Amazon were to be replaced with farmland. But it turns out that, actually, much of the area was indeed farmland just a few thousand years ago. We learn this from new research just published in the august Proceedings of the National …
Lewis Page, 08 Jul 2014

Dubai to get HUGE climate-controlled DOMED CITY and giga-mall

The ruler of Dubai has announced that the Gulf state is soon to build the world's first climate-controlled city, which will feature the largest area yet contained under a single transparent dome. The project is referred to by its organisers as "Mall of the World", and is intended to produce an city which can be traversed …
Lewis Page, 08 Jul 2014

El Reg is looking for a new London sub-editor

The Register is looking for a new sub-editor to work in our London newsroom. The Register is the world's first technology tabloid and has been published exclusively online since before that was technically even possible. Our latest ABCe audit confirmed more than 9 million monthly unique browsers worldwide, including just about …
Lewis Page, 03 Jul 2014

British boffin tells Obama's science advisor: You're wrong on climate change

A top British scientist has come out with new research flatly contradicting the idea that extremely cold winters in North America – like the one just past – will become more frequent due to global warming. This new analysis disagrees completely with the assessment of President Obama's personal science advisor. Dr James Screen of …
Lewis Page, 16 Jun 2014
Star Wars: The Complete Saga

Han Solo headed for lengthy stay in bacta tank after Bay Door Control cockup

Someone at Pinewood Studios' equivalent of Bay Door Control is probably in a good deal of trouble after septuagenarian Hollywood heart-throb Harrison Ford had his ankle broken "by a garage door" on the set of the new Star Wars movie. Ford, 71, is to reprise his role as interstellar smuggler scamp turned Rebel general Han Solo. …
Lewis Page, 13 Jun 2014

Greenpeace rejoices after getting huge renewable powerplant CANCELLED

Greenpeace activists are celebrating today, after their protests led to the halting of plans to build a massive renewable powerplant which would have supplied clean, green, low-carbon electricity in huge quantities. "Today, we celebrate," Greenpeace chief Matías Asún told reporters, following a decision to withdraw government …
Lewis Page, 12 Jun 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

DAMN you El Reg, CALL ME A BOFFIN, demands enraged boffin

It is with the deepest and most heartfelt concern that we here on the Register's standards and conduct committee wish to reach out today to our readers and apologise for a very serious violation of our editorial code. The error in question occurred with respect to this article, since amended: Hackers fondle boob tubes in Red …
Lewis Page, 11 Jun 2014
Two teenage girls - one whispering in other's ear

Rich bitch sorority girls actually more likely to put out than low-class 'sluts': Study

Devastating news on the "science" wires today, as authoritative profs of a sort have discovered that low-class poor girls well known to be "sluts" are actually less likely to give it up than posh sorority girls from wealthy families are. "Surprisingly, women who engaged in less sexual activity were more likely to be publicly …
Lewis Page, 29 May 2014
NSA parody T-shirt

NSA plans to FREE YOUR DATA with range of cloud services, analytics

An earlier version of this article was published in error carrying a sub-editing note which, if taken out of context, could have implied that we had offered line by line copy approval to an individual named "Sir Iain". We'd like to clarify that this is actually a friendly nickname for one of our editorial staff and that we did …
Lewis Page, 01 Apr 2014

GIANT FLESH-EATING DEVIL CHICKENS roamed North Dakota

The middle of North America was overrun by terrifying swarms of enormous flesh-eating demon chickens some 66 million years ago, scientists have declared. Credit: Courtesy Bob Walters Devilish, yes ... but presumably we're talking about a really serious drumstick here “It was a giant raptor, but with a chicken-like head and …
Lewis Page, 20 Mar 2014
Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777 9M-MRO

MH370 airliner MYSTERY: The El Reg Pub/Dinner-party Guide

So, the mysterious case of the missing flight MH370. We've mainly stayed out of this - apart from noting that no, the jet wasn't hackjacked using a mobile phone. But naturally we've been poking around a bit to see what we could find out, and it's not completely nothing. Here's what we bring to the party. Some of us know a bit …
Lewis Page, 18 Mar 2014

ZEPPELINS to replace Goodyear blimps in American skies

The first of the new, hi-tech German-made zeppelins which will replace the iconic Goodyear blimps in the skies above the USA has been unveiled at the Goodyear airship base in Ohio. The zeppelin in question is a "Neue Technologie" (NT) type produced by the modern-day German company descended from the Graf von Zeppelin's …
Lewis Page, 17 Mar 2014
Credit: University of Colorado

Bill Gates-backed SOLAR POO RAYGUN COMMODE unveiled

Bill Gates' Microsoft gigawealth giveaway charity has already conferred many benefits on a suffering humanity*: today we learn of yet another, as boffins reveal a magnificent waterless solar raygun portaloo which uses focused sunbeams to incinerate human excrement and turn it into a miracle charcoal style substance with many …
Lewis Page, 14 Mar 2014

Show more CANADIAN-MADE PORN, insists Canadian government

Canada's official broadcasting regulator has demanded that adult TV channels show more domestically-produced porn, saying that a flood of foreign smut is dominating their output. It seems that Canadian regulations require that 35 per cent of programming on any TV channel must be produced beneath the maple-leaf banner, and …
Lewis Page, 10 Mar 2014

Zaphod Beeblebrox style third arm cyborg prosthesis unveiled

Yet another development ripped from the pages of that great work, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, has moved a large step closer to reality this week as a professor in the US reveals a special prosthetic arm which - rather than being intended solely to replace missing limbs - could be used instead to create "a three-armed …
Lewis Page, 07 Mar 2014

Massive new AIRSHIP to enter commercial service at British dirigible base

An enormous airship built for the US forces has been bought back by its British designers and is to go into commercial service based in old Blighty. Regular Reg readers will already be familiar with the ship, formerly designated as the first of the US Army's* planned fleet of Long Endurance Multi-intelligence Vehicle (LEMV) …
Lewis Page, 03 Mar 2014

Pine trees' scent 'could prevent climate change really being a problem'

A "major enigma" has been cracked in atmospheric chemistry, revealing the details of a negative feedback mechanism which could "actually limit climate change from reaching such levels that it could become really a problem in the world". Can't smell the forest for the trees around here The negative feedback in question is the …
Lewis Page, 27 Feb 2014
Hurrican Dean, as seem from the International Space Station. Credit: NASA

Another climate change myth DEBUNKED by proper climate scientists

Proper climate scientists with PhDs in the subject and everything say they have "debunked" a climate change "myth" which is commonly repeated on the internet. The myth in question is the idea that global warming is causing an increase in the number of tropical cyclones/hurricanes. Certainly there's plenty of support among …
Lewis Page, 26 Feb 2014

Fukushima radioactivity a complete non-issue on West Coast: Also for Fukushima locals, in fact

A new study carried out in the "radiation zone" areas just outside the Fukushima nuclear powerplant in Japan has confirmed that the lifetime health risk to people living there from the damaged powerplant is so small as to be undetectable. Naturally, Californians almost 5,000 miles away are still terrified for their own safety. …
Lewis Page, 26 Feb 2014
SpaceX's Grasshopper rises 24 stories or 80.1 meters (262.8 feet), hovering for approximately 34 seconds and landing safely using closed loop thrust vector and throttle control. Pic: SpaceX

SpaceX set to try HOVER LANDING for re-usable rockets on March ISS mission

In a potentially game-changing development for space travel, it has emerged that the booster rocket which will launch the next supply capsule to the International Space Station will attempt to make a soft hovering landing after it falls back to Earth. Mounting landing legs (~60 ft span) to Falcon 9 for next month's Space …
Lewis Page, 25 Feb 2014
picofcenturysmall2

'G-WIZ like' object doing 40,000 MPH CRASHES on the MOON

An unidentified object roughly the size of a G-Wiz car smashed into the Moon last September going at 61,000km/h, causing a devastating, record-breaking explosion clearly visible to the naked eye, astronomers say. Youtube Video The Royal Astronomical Society sets the scene: On 11 September 2013, Prof Jose M Madiedo was …
Lewis Page, 25 Feb 2014
chalk outline of  human body at crime scene

Climate change will 'CAUSE huge increase in MURDER, ROBBERY and RAPE'

An "environmental economist" has produced a study in which he claims that climate change this century will "cause" millions of violent crimes in the United States, over and above those that would have happened anyway. Matthew Ranson holds a B.A. in Environmental Science and Public Policy and Economics and a PhD in Public Policy …
Lewis Page, 24 Feb 2014
Timo Boll faces the Agilus robot at ping pong. Credit: KUKA

Rise of the Machines: Robot challenges top German player at ping-pong

Everyone knows that the robots can already beat the best the human race can offer at chess, Jeopardy, probably global thermonuclear war etc. But for games of agility, until now the human athlete has in general retained his or her superiority. But that's set to change, as a powerful German robot reckons it can take on a former …
Lewis Page, 24 Feb 2014

Antarctic glacier 'melted JUST as fast LONG before human carbon emissions'

Top boffins from the British Antarctic Survey say that the Pine Island Glacier - famous as a possible major cause of global-warming-powered sea level rises - was melting just as fast thousands of years ago as it is melting today. “This paper [just published] is part of a wide range of international scientific efforts to …
Lewis Page, 21 Feb 2014