Jasper Hamill

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Woman puts hand in camera lens. Pic: Steve Purkiss

DOUBLE BONK: Fanbois catch Apple Pay picking pockets

Tim Cook's dream of bonk-to-pay global domination has taken a serious battering after customers using the new Apple Pay system were double charged. Fanbois took to Reddit and Twitter after finding their Apple Pay transactions had been duplicated. Apple said it was aware of "a Bank of America issue impacting a very small number …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014

Zuckerberg bombshell: Man married to Chinese woman speaks Chinese in China

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg shocked a Chinese audience with his mastery of Mandarin – a language that's as difficult to master as his website's privacy settings. The advertising kingpin was speaking at Tsinghua University in China, where he stunned attendees by ditching English and speaking in Mandarin for more than half an …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Chinese hackers slurp iCloud passwords, Apple's CEO jumps into his jet for China

Apple boss Tim Cook has met top Chinese officials following a major attack on the security of the iCloud website – an assault that some security analysts have blamed on Beijing. Cook was snapped in full demon headmaster mode heading into a pow-wow with Vice Premier Ma Kai. According to the Xinhua news agency, the issues of " …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Oct 2014
Kit

Really... an iKeyfob? Apple continues war on fanbois' pockets

Apple has been granted a patent for an iKeyfob capable of unlocking doors, starting the engine and turning your car into a less good version of KITT from Knight Rider. Serving as a kind of car controller, the patented device works in conjunction with iPhones or other mobile devices and also performs as an in-car gizmo using …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Oct 2014
Slide from Tim Cook's presentation at the Apple product roll-out event of October 22, 2013, indicating Apple's single-minded focus

Yes, yes, Steve Jobs. Look what I'VE done for you lately – Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook has written to his employees to tell them that the past few quarters have been the most successful in the company's history. To the faithful, only the golden age of Steve Jobs can be described in such terms. But even though he's failed to release an exciting new product range since the first fruity fuhrer was …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Oct 2014

Satya Nadella's $84.3m pay packet: Did he use the 'female superpower' to get it?

Satya Nadella famously told women to not bother asking for pay rises, which now looks a bit rich after Microsoft revealed his $83.4m pay packet. After all, what would you know about asking for a raise when your pay packet is more already than the combined wages of 800 Microsoft minions? Redmond announced its great leader's …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Oct 2014

Routine WHAT NOW? Bank of England’s CHAPS payment system goes TITSUP

The CHAPS system used to handle most bank-to-bank transfers in the UK has collapsed, with all mortgage payments currently on pause. We were told that the problem was due to an update over the weekend, when the details of new CHAPS users were being added and old ones removed. This is meant to be a routine operation, but a glitch …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Oct 2014
Image two from the patent document

Hey, iPhone 6 fanbois: Apple's bonk to 'Pay' app IS GO

Apple will open up its new bonk-to-pay system to its newest phones, the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus, today, allowing fanbois to bonk shiny-shinys to purchase stuff online or at 220,000 stores. However, non-Americans need not cut up their cards just yet, because Apple Pay is only available Stateside and it is unclear when it will …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Oct 2014
Use google.com button

SCREW YOU, EU: BBC rolls out Right To Remember as Google deletes links

The BBC will publish a summary of articles removed from Google search rankings under the infamous "right to be forgotten" rules. At a public meeting, the Beeb's editorial policy chief, David Jordan, said the public also had a "right to remember". A ruling by the European Court of Justice in May ordered Google to remove links …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Screenshot of Twitter outage error message

#Help. There's a STRANGER in my Twitter timeline

Twitter has admitted to fiddling with users' timelines, sparking the sort of social media backlash which is fast becoming a wearying fixture of modern life. The chirpy chaps of Twitter claimed the "spirit of experimentation" made them decide to wodge unwanted tweets in users' feeds. Seeing stuff from people you don't follow …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

iPhone 6 shunned by fanbois in Apple's GREAT FAIL of CHINA

The belated Chinese launch of the iPhone 6 appears to have been a total flop after just 100 people queued outside a flagship store to buy the new mobe. In most parts of the world, the launch of a new Apple iPhone causes a level of fanboi hysteria that is more like a One Direction concert than a consumer technology launch. But …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
EE local coverage

It's even GRIMMER up North after MEGA SKY BROADBAND OUTAGE

Life in the famously grim north of England became even more appalling today following a massive Sky broadband outage. Sky's service via a number of exchanges across the North West has collapsed, crippling broadband connections for customers living in the badlands surrounding Manchester and Liverpool. The provider said the issue …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Panic button on keyboard

Disaster roster: OMG, are YOU SAFE? I dunno. Check Facebook

Your loved one has been kidnapped and is about to be killed by a horde of barbaric jihadis. What do you do? Click the "like" button, obviously. That bizarre situation could soon be one of the ways in which feckless Facebookers respond to disaster after the social network unveiled its new "safety check" feature. According to …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014
will.i.am named Intel 'director of creative innovation'

Will.i.am gets CUFFED as he announces his new wristjob, the PULS

Rapper and business mogul Will.i.am has announced plans to release a new piece of wrist-based, wearable technology. Bearing the semi-eponymous name i.amPULS, it will allow the wearer to make calls without using a mobile phone. The diminutive colossus of pop appeared at a distinctly unglamorous Salesforce conference in San …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014
A rescued joey

Prehistoric swingbelly KANGAROOS were TOO FAT to jump – scientists

It's certainly Australia's iconic animal, yet boffins have claimed the kangaroo hasn't always performed its most famous trick: hopping. Once upon a time, the Skippy the Bush Kangaroo's ancestors may not have actually bounded along, instead favouring a gait akin to a drunken human. "At best, they'd have been really clumsy …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014
Bitcoin punch cards

I didn't invent Bitcoin! Send Bitcoin to help me fight this slur – Dorian Nakamoto

The elderly man Newsweek claimed was the inventor of Bitcoin has launched a legal battle against the publication – and he wants you to help pay for it. In March this year, Newsweek published a cover story titled "The Face of Bitcoin" which named Dorian Nakamoto as the inventor of the digital funny money. Now he's raising …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
flames_fire_destruction

PANTS on FIRE? Too late for you. But others will benefit from singed trouser phone alert

Boffins at Stanford University have invented a system which could banish the dreaded trouser fire to the annals of tech history. Regular readers of The Reg will know that the batteries used in mobile phones have a horrible tendency to blow up at inopportune moments. Whether it's an iPad Nano going kaboom in Japan, a Swiss …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

Apple's new 'iPad Air 2' sliced open, revealing (possible) A8X core

Cruel Apple fans have exposed the innards of what they claim is the forthcoming iPad Air 2, giving the world a glimpse of what could be the most intimate parts of a slab millions will soon be fondling. The rabid fanbois who run a Taiwanese site called Apple Club have posted pictures purportedly showing the rudest parts of the …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Nokia sign dismantled, with letters rearranged to spell 'ONKIA'

Finnish PM: Apple has DESTROYED FINLAND

The Prime Minister of Finland has claimed that Apple destroyed his country's biggest industry: mobile phone manufacturing. As if that wasn't bad enough, Alexander Stubb went on to say that Cupertino had also annihilated the paper-making industry, which was his nation's other pride and joy. However, a leading Finnish analyst has …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

Apple's iPhone bonk to 'Pay' app launches on Monday

Update Cupertino's plans to dominate the world of pay-by-bonk have been exposed following the leak of what appears to be a TOP-SECRET Apple Pay training manual. All Apple staffers will apparently take part in an hour's training on the new bonk-to-pay system, which is expected to be launched later this month following an event on 16 …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014
Photo of Jonathan Ive

Xiaomi boss snaps back at Jony Ive's iPhone rival 'theft' swipe

The boss of Chinese Android mobile firm, Xiaomi, has smacked back at Apple designer Jony Ive's remarks about "iPhone-inspired" smartphones, telling him to try the phones before he slags them off. Lin Bin wants Ive sent to the sin bin after he appeared to claim that Xiaomi had nicked Apple's mobe designs. "Xiaomi is a very open …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014

Here's your chance to buy an ancient, working APPLE ONE

Woz it the gambling habit that crippled your finances? Or Woz it the fact you spent hundreds of thousands of quid on an ancient Apple computer that can't even send a tweet? If it Woz the latter, at least you'll be able to tell your wife, accountant or mummy that you've snapped up a bit of history at the same time as ridding …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014
ipod u2 edition

U2? 81 million Apple iThing-strokers know a place where the Beats have no shame

Some might say that being on the cover of Vogue is pretty cool. But when Apple foisted U2's latest album on 81 million innocent people? Quite the opposite. Apple has told the music bible Billboard that some 81 million people took the chance to "experience" Songs Of Innocence, with 26 million downloading the thing in its entirety …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014

Trolls have DARK TETRAD of personality defects, say trickcyclists

Are you a fan of "everyday sadism"? Then you might just be a troll, according to the boffins responsible for a study which looked into the habits of these comment thread Caligulas. In a study called "Trolls Just Want To Have Fun", eggheads from the University of Manitoba asked 1,200 online trolls what they like doing best. …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

No one wants iOS 8 because it's for NERDS - dev

The world doesn't seem to want to download the latest version of iOS because it's a "nerd release", an Apple developer has claimed. For all of those who think a nerd's release generally involves five hours on World of Warcraft followed by 30 seconds on Pornhub, think again. Developer Andrew Clark claimed that only super-fanbois …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014