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Jasper Hamill

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Night scene of bank station in central london

New .london domains touted tomorrow amid usual tech hypegasm

Do you have any idea what "wind and kite" means? No? Well, it's Cockney rhyming for “website.” But from tomorrow, rather than lobbing geezer slang around, you'll have a much easier time making sure the world knows your business is from London. Tuesday marks the launch of the .london, and addresses using the new generic top-level …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Apr 2014

Selfies are so 2013. Get ready for DRONIES – the next hipster-cam-gasm

It's the social phenomenon that's taking self-obsession to new heights. We're not talking about selfies, granddad, and we're not even referring to belfies. The latest self-portrait craze to grip the narcissists of the internet are called dronies – and involve using a remote-controlled aircraft to snap images. Anyone who is …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Apr 2014
Firefox 13 Home page

JavaScript guru slots into Mozilla CTO seat left empty by anti-gay marriage ex-boss

Mozilla has named its new chief technology officer – the position previously held by Brendan Eich before his brief spell as Moz CEO ended amid an anti-gay marriage storm. The new CTO is Andreas Gal, a six-year Mozilla veteran who was described by the Firefox factory as an "authority on web technology". Gal's work has ranged from …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Apr 2014
Tim Cook

Tim Cook: Apple's 'closer than it's ever been' to releasing new product range

Tim Cook has claimed that Apple is "closer than it's ever been" to the release of a new product range. Ignoring the fact that the nearest Apple was to releasing some new iStuff was, well, the last time it released some, Cook claimed exciting new things were in the offing. Dodging questions about exactly what sort of products …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Apr 2014
Bitcoins

Bankrupt Bitcoin bunker blender begins: MtGox admin starts liquefaction

The Tokyo District Court-appointed administrator for MtGox has begun formal proceedings to liquify the collapsed Bitcoin exchange. In a letter published on the bankrupt biz's website, lawyer Nobuaki Kobayashi confirmed he will "administer and dispose of the assets" of MtGox. "[I] will implement the bankruptcy proceedings, in …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Apr 2014
Apple TV

Shut up, Siri, I'm watching telly! iOS 7.1 code reveals new role for Apple's PA

It looks like Apple might send its personal assistant Siri to perch upon the next generation of its Apple TV set-top boxes. Support for Siri on another device – purportedly the Apple TV set-top box – is included in an entry in the iOS 7.1 software development kit, according to French iOS developer Pierre Blazquez. After making …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Apr 2014

Dell charges £5 to switch on power-saving for new PCs (it takes 5 clicks)

Dell appears to be charging its customers almost a fiver to select power settings when it sells them a computer. Screenshot of Dell's purchasing page with the option to switch on power-saving settings Conserve power for a fiver and, what, save the rainforest? My, what a bargain! (click to enlarge) A reader wrote in to tip …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Apr 2014

Look behind you, 'declining' sub-$5bn iPod. The iWatch has come... to EAT YOU

The semi-mythical iWatch is set to make the iPod extinct, an analyst has predicted. Christopher Caso, an analyst with Susquehanna Financial Group, prophesied the death of the iPod, which will be supplanted in Apple's product range whenever the new wearable computer comes out. He had been on a pilgrimage to the Far East, where …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Apr 2014

Pirate Bay's 10 millionth upload: Colour us shocked, a SMUT FLICK

The Pirate Bay has hit a historic milestone after celebrating its 10 millionth upload. However, the auspiciousness of the occasion was dampened slightly by the fact the content in question was a pirated copy of a smut film from the "Intimate Lesbians" series. According to torrent news website Torrentfreak, the embattled Pirate …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Apr 2014

95 floors in 43 SECONDS: Hitachi's new ultra-high-speed lift

Hitachi has unveiled plans for two express lifts which will rocket up a China skyscraper at speeds in excess of the genteel 30mph (48kmph) British speed limit. Although the Japanese firm's latest creation would wind up on the slow lane of Blighty's motorways (if we imagine it were capable of Charlie and The Glass Elevator-style …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Apr 2014
Measuring up Apple

SAVE THE EARTH... give all your iThings back to us, begs Apple

Apple's flagship products rarely come in colours other than silver, black and white. But for Earth Day, the fruity firm has decided to coat its entire business in a lurid shade of green. Cupertino's latest eco-ruse is a recycling scheme that'll allow fanbois to drop off their old iThings and pick up a gift card if the gear is …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Apr 2014

Och aye! It's the Loch Ness Monster – but only Apple fanbois can see it

The Loch Ness monster presents one of the greatest mysteries of recent times. After all, who in their right mind would believe a great green beastie was lurking down at the bottom of a midge-ridden Scottish lake? Now the answer has been revealed, after it emerged Apple fanbois can use their fondleslabs or iPhones to peer at this …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Apr 2014

Discovery time for 200m WONDER MATERIALS shaved from 4 MILLENNIA... to 4 years

Yale University boffins have devised a new way of identifying super strong metallic glass alloys that will "drastically" increase the discovery rate of the "potentially revolutionary" materials. Scientists are currently rushing to classify various complex alloys known as bulk metallic glasses (BMGs) from a a "vast compositional …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Apr 2014
Picture of a Hong Kong scout

Be prepared... for your Scouts-loving sprog to become tiny spin doctor

Scout Leaders are forever telling their youthful charges to be prepared for anything. But judging by a list of the new badges designed to reflect the modern age, new-school scouts had better be prepared for days spent working as corporate spin doctors and nights focused on whittling down their carbon footprint. The Scouts have …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Apr 2014

Half of Twitter's 'active users' are SILENT STALKERS

You would be forgiven for thinking that Twitter users don't know when to shut up, but in fact the opposite is actually true. New data has revealed that some 44 per cent of the world's 974 million Twitter accounts have never even sent a tweet. The figures come from Twopcharts, which tracks activity on the microblogging service, …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Apr 2014

Want a free Bosch steam iron? You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD

Bosch have invited British punters to commune with the spirit world in order to claim a free steam iron. Anyone who buys a Bosch WAP28360GB or WAQ243D0GB washing machine at Currys is eligible to claim a free steamer, as long as they agree to hand over a small wodge of personal information. One of the questions asks customers …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Apr 2014

Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys

How would you celebrate the 40th anniversary of Playmobil? Make a block booking, obviously. Leaving aside the fact that joke probably refers more to their minifig mates, El Reg is delighted to see that the toy is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Our love of the tiny happy figurines is longstanding and cannot be rationally …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014

Apple says iOS, OS X is immune to Heartbleed SSL bug

Apple has reassured fanbois that its operating systems are not been affected by the apparently apocalyptic Heartbleed vulnerability. The OpenSSL bug has been terrifying the tech world all week, but apparently no one at Cupertino is that bothered about it. After taking a few days to check its security, the fruity firm joined …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014

Icahn, but Iwont: Carl the investor pest ends war with eBay

Carl Icahn has finally made peace with eBay after withdrawing his call for the auction site to divorce from its partner Paypal. The meddlesome investor has spent the last few months rudely demanding the spin off of eBay's payment service and asking for two of his aides to be put on the firm's board. After a barrage of open …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014
Apple's solar array in Maiden, North Carolina

So you invent a wireless network using LEDs, what do you do next? Add solar panels. Boom

Ingenious Scottish boffins have invented a solar-panel-powered version of their data networking kit that uses light to shift bits wirelessly. The team, based at the University of Edinburgh, first called its technology D-Light, short for data light, and its existence was revealed exclusively by your humble correspondent during a …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014
Bush according to Sky News

Spy-happy Condoleezza Rice joins Dropbox board as privacy adviser

Dropbox has been hit with a firestorm of criticism after announcing that Iraq war architect Condoleezza Rice has joined its board. The cloud-based file-sharing service said it was "honored to be adding someone as brilliant and accomplished as Dr. Rice to our team". However, the internet has lit up with anger over the decision, …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Apr 2014
Terminators

Who wants a ROBO-BUTLER? Google and pals do – and they've just put $2m towards it

Google has placed a bet on a robotics company that is working to create "services" robots for use in hospitals, care homes or hotels. Mountain View's investment arm, Google Ventures, handed over an undisclosed sum of money to startup Savioke, which is headed up by Steve Cousins, former CEO of PR2-maker and robotics pioneer …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Apr 2014
Grannote fujitsu laptop notebook elderly old users

Apple to flush '£37bn' down the bog if it doesn't flog cheapo slabtops

A senior JPMorgan analyst has urged Apple to seize a $63bn (£37bn) opportunity by flogging a hybrid laptop-tablet device running iOS. Equity research analyst Rod Hall said the fruity firm was missing out on a huge market by failing to produce a cheap-ish mongrel laptop priced between $500 and $1,000 (£300 and £600). The …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Apr 2014

'Monstrous' Apple kicked us off iAd, claimed we are its RIVAL – Brit music upstart

Apple has been accused of hobbling an up-and-coming British firm by booting it off the iAd advertising platform. Bloom FM, a Spotify-style music streaming service, claimed Apple issued the iAd ban because it now regards the London-based company as a rival. The Register understands that Apple wrote to Bloom today and claimed it …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Apr 2014
Steve Ballmer

Which sweaty exec dreamt up Office for iOS? Ballmer, Ballmer, Ballmer

You wouldn't expect Steve Ballmer to shout "iPad, iPad, iPad" at his staff, but that's exactly what the perspiring madman might have yelled ahead of the release of Office for iOS. Youtube Video According to members of Microsoft's iPad development team, Bill Gates' excitable protégé personally pushed through the release of …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Apr 2014
Speed gun cop

Jack the RIPA: Blighty cops ignore law, retain innocents' comms data

British cops are abusing the right to snoop on communications data by holding information on innocent people for far too long, a report from the Commissioner for Interception has found. Sir Anthony May, the commissioner, wanted to counteract the "general relatively uninformed fear" that shadowy government agencies were snooping …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Apr 2014
Raspberry Pi RISC OS logo

Raspberry Pi to serve up bite-sized modules for bulk-buying biz bods

Do you think $30 is too much to pay for a computer? You're in luck, because Raspberry Pi is set to release super small circuit boards for a fraction of the price – although they'll need to be plugged into a custom motherboard. Their small size – 67.6mm x 30mm – makes them ideal for consumer electronics and sensor devices – …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Apr 2014

Apple to protect your gently roasting rear with 'iTanning' system

Apple's new iWatch will come fitted with an ultraviolet light detector to stop fanbois and fangurlz from scorching themselves in the hot summer sunshine, an analyst has predicted. Blayne Curtis, a chip analyst with Barclays, was quoted by a Barrons' blogger as saying the UV sensor would be installed to help health-conscious …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Apr 2014
Samsung flexible curved TV

Rumour: Next Apple iThing to feature 65-inch screen. Four-limb multitouch, anyone?

Apple is rumoured to have ordered some 65-inch LED panels, which some say might be used to build a huge new iTelly. According to voluble Korean analysts, an unnamed firm is working with Cupertino to produce the epically large screens. “The company is making 65-inch organic light-emitting diode sample panels for Apple’s iTV in …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Apr 2014
World View's balloon in space

Google's SWOLLEN WINDBAGS circle PLANET, dispensing INTERWEBS

With a name like Project Loon, you would expect Google's scheme to be a bit bonkers, but the Chocolate Factory's madcap plan to bring internet connectivity to remote areas using balloons appears to have paid off after one of the devices circumnavigated the globe in just 22 days. Project Loon is the name for Mountain View's drive …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Apr 2014

Siri set to rival Windows beauty Cortana after Apple eats Novauris

Apple's personal assistant Siri is more than two years old, so you'd think it was high time for its parents to cut the umbilical cord. Now, however, fanbois' need to keep their fruity friend permanently connected to the internet could be ending after Apple bought a British firm called Novauris, which specialises in voice …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Apr 2014
Monty Python foot UHDTV

Artists install Monty Python silly walk signs in Norwegian town

A Norwegian town has reminded denizens that a normal gait is preferable to a strange one after Swedish revolutionaries installed a pair of silly walk signs. An art group put two street signs inspired by Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks on either side of a zebra crossing. "It's just for fun. There's no deep thought behind …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Mar 2014
Google Glass

Play Mario using just your EYES as Google Glass gets JavaScript

There are many reasons to hate Google Glass, ranging from the accusation that it's an evil surveillance device to the perfectly reasonable suggestion it's terribly ugly. But you might also have been annoyed that it didn't feature JavaScript. Youtube Video Now at least one of the many concerns about Glass have been resolved …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014
Sheep

Live in the middle of nowhere? CONGRATS. Some of you can pay EE for 4G

The denizens of 12 farflung towns across the United Kingdoms received a bit of good news today after EE continued its rollout of 4G. A total of 187 towns across the UK are now covered by EE's 4G, with the latest well-connected places including world-class conurbations like Macclesfield, Burnley and Bridgend. Olaf Swantee, chief …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014
Dizzy ZX Spectrum screenshot

Brit game devs WILL get tax relief for, er, EastEnders Game and Legend of Slough

Brussels has given its blessing to a Westminster scheme which will grant generous tax breaks to small video game production firms which pass a controversial "cultural test". The European Commission launched an enquiry into the government's tax plans last year because it didn't think the booming games industry really needed a …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014
Video

Hot, young under-25s: Lonely slab strokers who shun TV

The next generation of millennial kids are a lonely group of slab-fondlers who would rather watch films and movies alone in their bedrooms, it has been claimed. According to a survey from Deloitte, teens and people in their twenties have ditched the telly and now spend more time watching stuff on their smartphones, computers or …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014

Molyneux: Working at Microsoft is 'like taking antidepressants'

Legendary game producer Peter Molyneux has claimed that working on Microsoft is like being dosed up on antidepressants. The Populous creator launched a bizarre attack on the corporate safety net offered to Microsoft workers – claiming that life at an indie developer is more creative. Molyneux freed himself from Redmond's grasp …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014
Russia

Putin and pals dump Apple's iPads for Samsung slabs... over security concerns

The Kremlin has ditched its iPads over fears that they would not withstand US snooping and replaced them with Samsung fondleslabs. Telecoms minister Nikolai Nikiforov said Sammy's gizmos were "specially protected devices that can be used to work with confidential information". "Some of the information at government meetings is …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014
Steve Jobs doll

Original iPhone dev team was 'shockingly small' - Apple engineer

A former Apple engineer has revealed key details of the process behind the design of the iPhone. In a rare interview, senior software engineer Greg Christie described a frenzied creative process and hinted that Steve Jobs was the boss from hell. Jobs approached Christie and his team to asked them to get involved in a top secret …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014

Spooks vs boffins: MIT bods say they've created PRISM-proof encryption

The cleverest clogs of MIT have squared up to the NSA after claiming to have developed a PRISM-proof encryption system. Dubbed Mylar, the spook-bane allows devs to build web applications which are protected from attackers, even if they have access to the server that stores the software. Its creators were upset that anyone who …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014
Grannote fujitsu laptop notebook elderly old users

Returning a laptop to PC World ruined this bloke's credit score. Today the Supreme Court ended his 15-year nightmare

A dad whose credit rating was "annihilated" over a laptop he bought in 1998 has today won an epic legal fight to clear his name. Richard Durkin's 15-year nightmare began when he walked into a PC World store in Aberdeen, Scotland, to buy a £1,449 notebook. He specifically asked for a computer with a modem. A sales assistant …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014
Progress 44 taking off, launched by a Soyuz rocket

US-Russia Soyuz 'nauts STUCK IN SPACE after ISS dock fail

The three cosmonauts on board the Soyuz spacecraft are stuck in the space slow lane after a delay to their planned six-hour trip to the International Space Station. They will now arrive at the ISS almost two days later than expected after a critical 24-second engine thruster burn that would have kept the team on course failed …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014
Emojis from Apple's beta of iOS 6

Apple vows to add racially diverse EMOJIS after MILEY CYRUS TWITTER outrage

Apple has vowed to tackle the lack of racial diversity in its emojis and will work with the Unicode Consortium to make the annoying little images more politically correct. MTV Act contacted Apple to ask them to make sure the emojis were more diverse. Currently, the human emojis are mostly pinkish. This will not do, roared MTV's …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014

Stop fondling that slab and shag, says lover rubber-glover

It used to be said that where there's muck, there's brass - and never has that phrase been truer than in the world of condom sales. Durex is a company which wants people to have as much sex as possible, as long as they buy a few more rubber johnnies to circumvent the unfortunate baby-making and disease-spreading aspects of the …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014

BOYCOTT FIREFOX, rage gay devs as Mozilla appoints JavaScript daddy as CEO

A pair of gay developers have launched a boycott of Firefox in protest against the Mozilla Foundation's decision to appoint a CEO who appears to be an opponent of same sex marriage. Mozilla co-founder and Javascript creator Brendan Eich was awarded the top job yesterday. Hampton Catlin, creator of Wikipedia Mobile and CSS …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Mar 2014

Apple hires ex-SENATE staffer for added WASHINGTON POWER

Apple has hired a veteran Washington lobbyist in an apparent attempt to boost its influence in the seat of American power. Amber Cottle will now be the fruity firm's top lobbyist after leaving her post as democratic staff director for the Senate Finance Committee. Apple has spent a lot of time in Washington recently, with Tim …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Mar 2014
frustration_anger_irritation_annoyance pain

Stop skiving: Computers can SEE THROUGH your FAKE PAIN

Canadian boffins have designed a computer program that can recognise the signs of real pain on a person's face more accurately than a human being. The clever system is able to tell when human beings are faking agony, a development which could prove invaluable to football referees dealing with melodramatic players. However, the …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Mar 2014
Bletchley Park Manor House, photo: Gavin Clarke

Bletchley boffins go to battle again: You said WHAT about Colossus?

The National Museum of Computing has launched another bombing raid during its long war of attrition against the Bletchley Park Trust. In a letter to The Telegraph, trustees of TNMoC said it had been moved by the Trust's "provocative" statement "implicitly questioning the ownership" of the rebuild of the famous Colossus …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014

Apple to switch HUMAN iPhone-juicer-fiddlers with ROBOTS – report

Apple is preparing to replace the worker drones on its iPhone battery production line with robot replacements. According to industry sources in Taipei, Apple will automate its battery production later this year. It has already automated the manufacture of iMacs and Mac Pros. Younger Chinese workers are becoming less and less …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014
Toilet

How to Poo on a Date wins odd book title of the year

Getting a date is hard enough to begin with. So what happens if cruel nature calls when things are just starting to get romantic? That's the question posed and answered by a tome titled How To Poo On A Date by Mats & Enzo, which has just won the 36th annual Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. The book achieved 30 …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014