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Jasper Hamill

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Credit: IGNACIO LEONARDI http://www.freeimages.com/photo/1118608

Tech talk bloke compares girlfriend to irritating Java tool – did he deserve flames?

A programmer was given a right shoeing on Twitter and various blogs for a classy move at a tech event – comparing Apache Maven to a beautiful-but-annoying girlfriend. Jonathan Doklovic, principal developer at software-maker Atlassian, made the comments while giving a thrilling talk about plugins at the AtlasCamp 2014 in Berlin …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Jun 2014

Japanese finally produce a ROBOT which isn't DEAD INSIDE

Boffins have unveiled a robot that, we're confidently told, can understand human emotions. Named Pepper, the shiny machine has what appears to be a tablet computer strapped to its chest, and it resembles a cross between a mermaid and a, ahem, marital aid. It is the work of SoftBank Mobile Corp, a Japanese cell network, and …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Jun 2014
Pack ice on Mars. image credit ESA

YOU - NASA. Enough with the ROBOTS, get some PEOPLE to MARS

It's time to stop mucking about and get your ass to Mars. That was the message delivered by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall, but it's also the advice proffered by a report into NASA's interplanetary activities. The National Research Council (NRC) has published a report in which it told NASA that its ultimate goal should be …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Jun 2014

Apple? More like FAP-PLE: Fanbois are the BIGGEST PERVS, say people who know

Slab-fondling Apple fanbois have been outed as the world's biggest perverts, a new study from grumble site Pornhub has claimed. Safari, the fruity firm's browser, is smut lovers' favourite one-handed surfing software. It accounts for 38 per cent of Pornhub's mobile phone traffic and 73 per cent of tablet traffic. On tablets, …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Jun 2014
Amazon Kindle Paperwhite

Former Microsoftie becomes US ambassador, opts to swear in on KINDLE

A US ambassador has become the first public official to be sworn into office using a Kindle. Normally, incoming politicians take their oath with one hand on a holy book or a print-out of the country's constitution, but former Microsoft employee Suzi LeVine wanted to bring this tradition up to date. She took an oath of office on …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Jun 2014
DARPA logo

DARPA crazytech crew want to create HUMAN-FREE cyber defence systems

American secret squirrel military research outfit DARPA has launched a competition to find the autonomous cyber-defence systems of the future. More than 30 teams will participate in the Cyber Grand Challenge, which is described as a "first of its kind tournament" designed to kickstart the development of automated security …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jun 2014
warehouse interior - wide aisle, big shelves

Amazon workers in Germany celebrate strike anniversary with ... ANOTHER STRIKE

Amazon workers in Germany have gone on strike again after the internet souk failed to resolve an ongoing dispute over pay and conditions. The workers' union Verdi said staff would go on strike in Bad Hersfeld and Graben. This industrial action follows an impromptu walkout by more than 600 workers in Leipzig and Bad Hersfeld. …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jun 2014
APPLEWHEEL

Apple's steamy OS XXX picture leak riddle: Blurry snaps deleted

Like death, taxes and other inevitabilities, it's time for Apple's Worldwide Developer Conference and the annual pre-event leak. This year, it's blurry photos of what's supposed to be the next OS X update, 10.10. Of course, we'll only know for sure the pictures – apparently "taken at Apple in California" – are the real deal …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jun 2014

Kardashian's bottom plumps down on Instagram throne

All those worried about the future of civilisation should look away now. One of Kim Kardashian's wedding pictures has become the most liked image in the history of Instagram, garnering almost two million digital thumbs ups over the past week. Some 1.96 million liked the following image, with 35.8 thousand people choosing to …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jun 2014
Roughly 150kg of gold

Apple: Scrubbing may not yet have cleansed iThings of BLOOD

Apple has admitted that it does not know whether some of the materials used in its products are sourced from conflict zones. In a report filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission, it admitted that four smelters and refineries whose products it uses have not yet definitively proved their materials do not come from war- …
Jasper Hamill, 30 May 2014
Dr Dre Beats Solo

Brunner does a runner: Beats designer must hand the brand to Apple

The man who designed the famous Beats by Dre headphones will not continue to work on the brand after its sale to Apple, it has been announced. Robert Brunner was head of industrial design at Apple in the early '90s – where he worked on Macintosh, the original PowerBook and Newton – although he has quipped: "I sometimes joke that …
Jasper Hamill, 30 May 2014

Come with me if you want a lid: Apple bags Terminator-esque LiquidMetal mobe patent

Apple has patented a method of embedding sapphire glass within a bezel made of the new, exciting-sounding (but rather dull) material LiquidMetal. US Patent number 8,738,104 is titled "methods and systems for integrally trapping a glass insert in a metal bezel", and the design is at least six years old. Since then, Apple has …
Jasper Hamill, 28 May 2014
Screaming kid

Watch: Kids slam Apple as 'BORING, the whole thing is BORING'

Show an Apple II computer to a bunch of kids and film their reactions for YouTube. What could go wrong? If there's one thing more annoying than children, it's creaking old technology. So those of a sensitive disposition should probably look away now, because one viral-video team has decided to combine these two weapons of mass …
Jasper Hamill, 27 May 2014
USB flash storage chip close-up

World's first ever Nobel Prize winning integrated circuit to be auctioned

Are you a chip nerd with $2m to spare? Then you're in luck, because a historic prototype of the world's first integrated circuit is set to be auctioned at Christie's. The expensive piece of computing history was invented by Jack Kilby at Texas Instruments in 1958 and demonstrated that an integrated circuit could be squeezed onto …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014
TX4 Black Cab

NOT APPY: Black cab drivers enraged by Hailo as taxi tech wars rage on

The London-based taxi app Hailo, which formerly worked only with black licensed cabs, has found itself at the eye of the storm after black cabbies launched a series of attacks against its vehicles and premises following its move to work with private hire minicabs. Hailo's vehicle office in Bermondsey was at the centre of an …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014

I'LL BE APP! Apple renews LiquidMetal contract, Terminator rumours flood interwebs

Apple has extended its partnership with a firm called LiquidMetal, making it more than likely its eponymous alloy will be used in some upcoming iThing. Sadly, this exciting-sounding material won't actually allow the fruity firm to create shape-shifting Terminators because its uses are likely to be far more prosaic. So far, Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014
iMessage

Apple vows to squash iMessage SMS-KILLER

Apple has 'fessed up to an iMessage problem that occasionally clobbers iPhone-toting fanbois if they use non-iOS mobes and vowed to fix it. The long-standing iMessage issue means that people who change to using another device which doesn't have iMessage – such as one running OS Android – may not receive all of their text …
Jasper Hamill, 22 May 2014
Apple's new Cupertino campus - rendering

Expulsion from Garden of Steven: Apple staffers tossed out of Fruit Loop

It you work for Apple, you're probably very excited about the supersized "spaceship" headquarters set to touch down in Cupertino. But don't get ahead of yourself, because almost 1,500 unlucky employees are set to be sidelined into a boring-looking group of office buildings on the side of a dual carriageway. Apple is planning to …
Jasper Hamill, 22 May 2014
The Apple glasses

Fanbois Apple-gasm as iPhone giant finally reveals WWDC lineup

Apple's most innovative minds seem to have been on a go-slow recently, with no properly exciting new products announced since Steve Jobs shuffled off this mortal coil. But at least the fruity firm can be relied upon to update its software on an annual-ish basis, which generally happens at the Worldwide Developers' Conference. …
Jasper Hamill, 21 May 2014

Drug-dealing game Weed Firm tops Apple's App Store charts

Apple has lifted its usual censorship firewall to allow a game simulation of a drug-pushing business called Weed Firm to shoot to number one in its App Store charts. The sim-smoker app allows cosseted fanbois to imagine life as a herbal wholesaler. Players are invited to build contacts in the underworld, beef up their production …
Jasper Hamill, 20 May 2014
Steve Wozniak

SAVE NET NEUTRALITY, urges Steve Wozniak in open letter to bigwigs

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has waded into the net neutrality debate with an open letter calling for fair and equal internet access for all. Woz's missive to the US Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is a deeply personal note detailing his belief that the 'net should be free and unrestricted. He starts with the line, "I …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
By Mike.T https://www.flickr.com/photos/fallstreak_holes/

Welcome to Heathrow Terminal, er, Samsung Galaxy S5

Samsung has decided to allow its marketing department's imaginations to take flight, which has resulted in a rather crap plan to effectively rename Heathrow's Terminal Five. The mega airport terminal in London will feature signs that read "Terminal Samsung Galaxy S5" in a move a Sammy exec described as "one-off opportunity to …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
Texting by TarahDawdy

Fast-fingered Filho flicks aside WinPhone-furtling fumbler after 4 months

A young Brazilian has smashed a world-texting record after accurately finger-blasting a nonsensical message at speeds hitherto unachieved by humanity. Marcel Fernandes Filho from Brazil, managed to type out a test sentence in 18.19 seconds, using a Samsung Galaxy S4 with the Fleksy keyboard application installed. To snaffle the …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
Hacker No.1 Shirt

So you reckon you're a leet infosec warrior. Now you can prove it, pal

Defend Blighty from malware, show online crooks who's boss, bank a pay cheque, and sip a martini. It's not quite James Bond, but if you reckon you're up to the job, good news: Cyber Security Challenge UK launches today, on Friday, and is supposed to give Brits a chance to prove their computer security skills. Developed by …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014

Bolshy investor takes another bite of Apple, ups stake to $4.4 BEEELLLION

Carl Icahn has now slurped more than 7.5 million Apple shares, raising his stake in the fruity firm to a whopping $4.4bn. According to a recent Securities and Exchange Commission filing, Carl the Conqueror bought 2.8 million shares worth almost $1.65bn during March. Apple stock is now worth $588.82. Big Carl is referred to as …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014
Google_Hummingbird

Builder could lose golden ticket to Google's King Cross chocolate factory

Google will not start work on its swanky London headquarters for another three years, the head of the firm which won the main contract for its construction has admitted. It is now likely that BAM Construct will lose the contract to build the Kings Cross HQ, as it may be put out to tender. In the annual report, Graham Cash, …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014

Giant pop can FOUND ON MOON

Getting a man on the Moon was one of the 20th century's crowning achievements and a feat that hasn't been matched by any government, let alone a private company. But now one Japanese firm is taking a giant leap for advertising by launching the world's first privately funded lunar mission. So what sort of heroes are going to …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014
Super Mario Galaxy 2

Philips lobs patent sueball at Nintendo in US: Seeks to BAN Wii U

Electronics manufacturer Philips has launched a legal bid to ban sales of the Wii U in the United States after filing a suit alleging the Nintendo consoles and other Wii kit had infringed two of its patents. The Dutch firm yesterday filed a suit claiming Nintendo had infringed its "virtual body control device" patent (6285379) …
Jasper Hamill, 15 May 2014

Shazam! Record labels shovel $9m into name-that-song app

Three of the world's biggest record labels have clubbed together to invest in London-based name-that-tune firm Shazam. Access Industries, the company which owns Warner Music Group, and Universal Music Group owners Vivendi have teamed up with Sony Music Entertainment to each take a rumoured $3m stake in Shazam. Recent estimates …
Jasper Hamill, 15 May 2014
David Miranda and Glenn Greenwald

Anonymous: Why we're PICKETING Glenn Greenwald's book tour

Members of hacker collective Anonymous are preparing to picket journalist Glenn Greenwald's book tour – where the journo hopes to promote a tome about his reports on leaked files given to him by ex-National Security Agency sysadmin turned whistleblower Edward Snowden. The hacktivists want to disrupt the hack's book signings on …
Jasper Hamill, 14 May 2014
Marissa Meyer

Whoa! NUDE! SELFIES! for! Marissa! Mayer's! Blink-gobbling! Yahoo!

Yahoo! has bought Blink, a Snapchat-style app whose messages, in theory at least, self-destruct. It's the 40th startup gobbled by web giant. The Marissa-Mayer-led Yahoo! will wind up Blink, and welcome its seven-strong team onto the Purple Palace's own staff roster. The terms of the deal have not yet been released. On its …
Jasper Hamill, 14 May 2014
GCHQ Benhall doughnut aerial view

GCHQ's 'NOSEY SMURF' spyware snoops dragged into secretive tribunal

Privacy International has launched a legal bid to stop GCHQ and British intelligence agents from "unlawfully" spying on Brits using malware. Its complaint [PDF] to the UK’s Investigatory Powers Tribunal is a formal challenge to snoops' use of malicious software and hacking to surveil people. The campaigning charity fears …
Jasper Hamill, 14 May 2014
Scotland

Tick-tock, Jock: Dock schlock for mock-stock in ad-hoc shop squawk

As the great and the ghastly of Britain's political class row over which currency Scotland will use if it splits from the kingdom, one firm has proposed a way to settle the argument. Secondhand electronics trader CeX will, from 13 May, turn one of its shops in Scotland into a "pound-free zone" for three days – and instead accept …
Jasper Hamill, 13 May 2014
Sony Vaio P

Sony bosses will return bonuses as firm preps for BILLIONS in losses

Sony's top brass are set to return their bonuses as the limping Japanese company struggles with predicted billion-dollar losses. Some 40 execs will hand back their Brucies*, which account for between 30 and 35 per cent of their total pay, on the suggestion of chief executive Kazuo Hirai. The Japanese giant is due to unveil its …
Jasper Hamill, 13 May 2014

Stop bullying SUPER FAT GODZILLA, urge movie stars

The stars of a new Godzilla film have rallied round its big-boned monster star after cruel Japanese bullies renamed it Fatzilla. Twitter users rounded on the corpulent sea beast after publicity shots showed it had piled on a few pounds since the last films. Now the stars of the latest movie have come to the bulky beast's …
Jasper Hamill, 13 May 2014
management regulation1

Privacy bods win court battle: UK HMRC must 'reconsider' silence over FinSpy spyware probe

A campaign group has successfully applied for a judicial review after Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs' refused to disclose details of any investigation into a firm accused of selling spyware to oppressive regimes. The High Court in London has now ruled (PDF) that HMRC has to rethink its decision and address Privacy …
Jasper Hamill, 12 May 2014
A U-2 "Dragon Lady" takes off from the Osan Air Base, South Korea, flightline Oct. 21, 2009, during the base Air Power Day air show. (U.S. Air Force photo/Staff Sgt. Brian Ferguson)

LA air traffic meltdown: System simply 'RAN OUT OF MEMORY'

A computer crash that caused the collapse of a $2.4bn air traffic control system may have been caused by a simple lack of memory, insiders close to the cock-up alleged today. Hundreds of flights were delayed two weeks ago after the air traffic control system that manages the airspace around Los Angeles' LAX airport went titsup …
Jasper Hamill, 12 May 2014
Nokia Asha 311

Apple poaches Nokia photo guru Ari Partinen from Microsoft

A Nokia camera guru has been poached by Apple in an apparent bid to beef up the fruity firm's snapper cred. Ari Partinen, who worked on the PureView camera, announced his move on Twitter. Nokia's cameras are considered to be the best in the business, whereas Apple's aren't. Perhaps Tim Cook wants this to change. Today will be …
Jasper Hamill, 12 May 2014
The Winklevoss twins, Cameron and Tyler

Winklevoss twins eye up NASDAQ: Publicly traded Bitcoin fund... what could go wrong?

The Winklevoss twins have set out plans to list their Bitcoin trust exchange on the NASDAQ to create what would be the world's first publicly traded cryptocurrency biz – if it were approved. The news comes just two days after the SEC issued an investor alert warning the public about the risks of virtual currency investments. In …
Jasper Hamill, 09 May 2014
TX4 Black Cab

London cabbies to offer EVEN WORSE service in protest against Uber

As if London didn't have enough traffic on its streets, the capital's cabbies have vowed to bring the city to a standstill in a protest against the taxi-booking phone app Uber. The big smoke's grumpiest drivers are furious that minicabs are now using Uber to calculate fares and tout for business. Union bosses claimed the use of …
Jasper Hamill, 09 May 2014
Apple's new Cupertino campus - rendering

Architect of Apple's total-silence public relations policy leaves

Apple has one of the simplest public relations policies in human history: keep everything secret until the CEO announces it. It worked for Steve Jobs and might well do so for Tim Cook, assuming that he's actually going to release a new product before fanbois all drop dead of boredom. Now the woman who erected Cupertino's wall …
Jasper Hamill, 08 May 2014

Yeah, suck it, Foxconn. 'Pegatron' 'nabs' '15%' of 'iPhone 6' 'production'

Whispers among the iChattering classes today claim Taiwanese factory giant Pegatron has received orders from Apple to crank out a share of iPhone 6 handsets. According to a report in Taiwan's Industrial and Commercial Times, it's rumoured Pegatron will build 15 per cent of all 4.7-inch iPhone 6 devices, which are likely to be …
Jasper Hamill, 08 May 2014
USS Harry S Truman

Nuclear reactor sysadmin accused of hacking 220,000 US Navy sailors' details

A former US Navy sysadmin who worked in an aircraft carrier's nuclear reactor department has been charged with hacking into government networks using the USN's own computers. Prosecutors have alleged that Nicholas Paul Knight, 27, of Chantilly, Virginia, and his co-accused, 20-year-old Daniel Trenton of Salem, Illinois, were …
Jasper Hamill, 07 May 2014
A U-2 "Dragon Lady" takes off from the Osan Air Base, South Korea, flightline Oct. 21, 2009, during the base Air Power Day air show. (U.S. Air Force photo/Staff Sgt. Brian Ferguson)

Cold War spy aircraft CRASHED Los Angeles' air traffic control

The Federal Aviation Administration has claimed a major glitch that grounded dozens of flights last week was caused by a Cold War-vintage reconnaissance aircraft. It claimed that a U-2 "Dragon Lady" flew into airspace controlled by the Los Angeles Air Route Traffic Control Center in Palmdale, which uses a system called En Route …
Jasper Hamill, 06 May 2014
Photo of Apple iPhone 5C in a range of colors

PEAK APPLE: Mystery upstart to hurl iLord from its throne 'by 2020'

Venture capitalist Fred Wilson reckons Apple will no longer be the top dog of tech by 2020. He says the iPhone giant will be dethroned by a triumvirate of Google, Facebook and "one that we've never heard of". Speaking at a tech conference in New York on Monday, the Union Square Ventures moneybags said the Cupertino corp is " …
Jasper Hamill, 06 May 2014
iOS 6 and 7

Apple tips Shiraz down all its techies' throats (that's the rumoured name for OS X 10.10)

Apple is apparently working full pelt on redesigning OS X to match its iOS cousin in time for a big reveal at June's Worldwide Developers Conference in San Francisco. Version 10.10 of the desktop operating system will, it's claimed, switch to flat icons and pastel colours to look remarkably like its pocket-sized relative, which …
Jasper Hamill, 02 May 2014
Our artist's impression of a Terminator granny astride a mobility scooter

Granny's Guardian: Acorn BBC Micro hero touts OAP watchdog kit

Acorn Computers co-founder Chris Curry has popped up with Canary – a new bit of kit that keeps tabs on oldsters and alerts relatives if something goes wrong. The system is installed in an elderly person's home and uses a set of sensors to monitor temperature, movements, and even who comes to visit. While it does not use …
Jasper Hamill, 01 May 2014

Titsup UK Border IT causes CHAOS at air and seaports in Blighty

Queues of angry travellers were stuck at the UK border last night after a computer glitch forced immigration officers at airports and seaports to resort to manually entering passport details. The UK Border Force admitted its systems crumbled yesterday evening, causing congestion at Heathrow, Gatwick, Stansted and Birmingham …
Jasper Hamill, 01 May 2014

Chinese iWatchers: Apple's WRISTPUTERS ALREADY in production

Production of the semi-mythical iWatch has already begun, mysterious Chinese production sources have claimed. According to a report in the China Times (in Mandarin), factories have already begun churning out the first models of Apple's wearable computer. Factories are expected to make between two and three million iWatches …
Jasper Hamill, 01 May 2014

Google in NOT EVIL shocker: Bins student email ad scanning

Google has taken the astonishing decision to stay partly true to its founding promise after deciding to stop scanning kids' emails. Until now, Google automatically rooted through all users' mails so they could be targeted for advertising. But now Mountain View has decided to abide by its "don't be evil" maxim and stop the …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Apr 2014