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Jasper Hamill

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Facebook drowning

DON'T PANIC: Facebook returns after 30-minute outage terror

Facebook is recovering from the Cluster-Zuck disaster outage which saw its stock plummet and fans rush into the arms of its sworn enemy, Twitter. The world blazed with anger and indignation after Facebook collapsed, causing its stock to fall by nearly 0.8 per cent in pre-market trading. Luckily for anyone who is craving …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014
Facebook down

Facebook goes TITSUP across WORLD! Who will look at your cousin's baby NOW?

Images of Britain's breakfasts failed to make their way onto the internet this morning after Facebook collapsed, sending the interwebs into social media withdrawal. Anyone visiting Zuck's site was shown the following message: Distraught Facebookers resorted to social media methadone - or Twitter, as it's otherwise known - to …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014

A future queen, the spy chief behind the Iraq 'dodgy dossier' – and a war base rendezvous

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, has been shown around the historic home of Britain's World War II codebreaking efforts by a former MI6 chief who was instrumental in Britain's decision to invade Iraq in 2003. She visited Bletchley Park today to be greeted by the chairman of Bletchley Park Trust Sir John Scarlett, …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014

YOU'RE HISTORY: Ancestry.com goes titsup for TWO DAYS

The genealogy site Ancestry.com has been blasted off the internet after reportedly being hit by a DDoS attack. The site's owners said unknown assailants had launched their digital broadside on Monday. Some users are still reporting problems accessing the site, despite Ancestry's promises that it has been fixed. On its Facebook …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014
Angry Birds Valentines

Hate phone games that make you buy in-app gumble? Congrats, you're a niche player

The mobile games sector will swell in value by more than a third over the next two years, a new report from Juniper Research has claimed. According to its figure, the sector will be worth a mammoth $28.9 billion, up almost 38 percent on the $20.9bn it is apparently worth now. The report, titled Mobile & Handheld Games: Discover …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014

DANGER MOUSE is back ... and he isn't half a GLASSHOLE

They call themselves explorers, but we all know there's a better word for anyone who wears Google Glass. Youtube Video Now the legendary kids' telly character Danger Mouse is set to return to Britain's screens, only this time he's a fully paid up Glasshole. A new series will air next year, with the rodent's eye-patch replaced …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014

Unicode ideogram list-site Emojipedia goes titsup. Wow. Did you just give us the finger?

An online encyclopaedia of emojis has been chucked offline after vast numbers of people visited the site to gawp at 250 new pictographic symbols. Industry standards body Unicode has just released a Version 7.0 of the Unicode Standard, adding 2,834 new characters including 250 "emoji" ideograms which range from a charming middle …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jun 2014
ISIS Islamists in Iraq

ISIS: Iraq KILLS the INTERNET: VPNs, social media and chat apps blocked by government

Iraq has widened its internet ban to include virtual private networks and mobile data in a bid to halt the progress of brutal offensives in the country led by the extremist militant group calling itself the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isis). Described as "fascist" and "criminal" by Jon Snow of Channel 4 News, Isis has …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jun 2014
Apple iOS 7

Bloke squeezes Apple's boules, predicts millions of iPhone 6s, iWatches

Apple has enough sapphire glass within its grasp for two models of the iPhone 6, if one was to appear, as well as the semi-mythical iWatch, an independent analyst has claimed. Matt Margolis, of Wall Street Forensics, has scoped out GT Advanced Technologies, the firm tasked with operating Apple's sapphire factory in Mesa, Arizona …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jun 2014
boris_001

Boris: Look on 'London's digital tentacles', ye mighty, and despair!

London mayor Boris Johnson and ex-New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg have today opened the inaugural London Technology Week. It's estimated 30,000 people will attend 200 talks and workshops over the next five days, covering everything from big data to "digital ladies". The confabs and demos will be held in locations sprinkled …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jun 2014
NEMA 5 plug socket

Apple: REIGN OF FIRE coming to Europe courtesy of old iPhone chargers

Apple has recalled an iPhone charger over fears it could burn down fanbois' houses. Although the fruity firm stopped short of warning of imminent conflagrations, it euphemistically said that certain models of the Apple 5W European USB power adapters "may overheat and pose a safety risk" Anyone concerned about their charger …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

Latest casualties of Iraq fighting: Facebook and Twitter

Iraqis appear to have been blocked from using Twitter and Facebook after the Islamist insurgent group ISIS, now in control of much of the country, thanked Allah for social networking. Known for using extreme violence in its bid to set up a medieval Islamic state on the borders of Iraq and Syria, ISIS is as prolific on social …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

Smartphone SEX APPS will give you CUPID'S MEASLES - study

Have you fondled your slab in the hope of finding sex with a handsome stranger? Then you may want to get down the clap clinic pronto, because people who seek sex using smartphone apps are more likely to catch a nasty STD. That's the key point from a new study of hookup apps like Tinder and Grindr. Bonk-mad boffins in Los Angeles …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

London commuter hell will soon include 'one card to rule them all'

Government-funded bods at a tech incubator called the Transport Systems Catapult are working to design a "one-card-to-rule-them-all" system that includes London's buses, underground and overground trains as well as its black taxis, The Reg has learned. The pay-by-bonk system is intended to be similar to TfL's Oyster card, but …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

Swiftkey: We just want to be free - Apple didn't bump us

The British creators of a smart-typing app called SwiftKey have denied the decision to give it away for free was inspired by Apple's announcement of its own keyboard software. London-based SwiftKey has cut the cost of its app from £1.49 to nothing, relying on a freemium model to help bring home the bacon. Apple recently threw …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014

MIGHTY SOLAR FLARES fail to DESTROY CIVILISATION. Yes!

Humanity has once again dodged apocalypse after a solar flare failed to bring civilisation to its knees. NASA gives particularly huge flares the rating of X-Class, with an X2 being twice as powerful as X1 and an X3 twice as intense as X2 again. The latest one was a whopping X2.2 and erupted into space on June 10. NASA …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014
Mars

World first: ANIMATED GIF of Mercurian SUN ZOOM from MARS

Ever wondered what on earth the Mars Rover Curiosity is actually doing all the way out there on the surface of the Red Planet? Staring into space, that's what. Whilst peering up at the stars last week, the car-sized nuclear powered prowler caught sight of the planet Mercury passing in front of the sun, representing the first …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014
USB Stress Panic Button

BILLIONS of digital dollars go AWOL to cybercrooks, says study

Cybercrime costs the world $400bn every year – enough to send three International Space Stations into orbit – according to research commissioned by antivirus software house McAfee. Widely regarded as the most expensive object ever created, the International Space Station has cost the world about $150bn so far. But that's small …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014
The chinese characters for China as used in the new .中国  domain

Pictures of elite 'Chinese military hacker' published

American security bods have unmasked a shady state-sponsored Chinese hacking group dubbed Putter Panda. Analysts at Crowdstrike traced the shadowy group to an address in Shanghai, and even outed its alleged leader. The research firm claimed a 35-year-old bloke known online as "cpyy" registered domain names to which Putter Panda …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jun 2014
Apple Mac App Store

Apple seeks 'friendly' mouthpiece after losing tight-lipped Cotton spinner – report

Apple has launched a bid to become friendlier to the outside world after losing famously reticent publicity chief Kate Cotton. The fruity firm is looking for a new PR director in an apparent bid to rid itself of the mafia-style policy of omertà it has operated since the heyday of Steve Jobs. Following the departure of Cotton, …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jun 2014
DARPA logo

DARPA gamifies open-source software testing

Secret-squirrel military tech bureau DARPA has designed a series of computer games which can help to verify open source software. It is working on the games under the auspices of its Crowd Sourced Formal Verification programme. The idea is to perform the soft of software verification which is generally conducted by technical …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jun 2014
The Moon

Evidence of ancient WORLD SMASHER planet Theia - FOUND ON MOON

Traces of mysterious planet Theia have been found on the surface of Earth's Moon. Boffins have analysed samples of rock brought back by Apollo astronauts, and claimed they contain bits of another world. The discovery appears to back up the theory that the Moon was formed when Theia slammed into Earth some 4.5 billion years ago …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Jun 2014
Credit: IGNACIO LEONARDI http://www.freeimages.com/photo/1118608

Tech talk bloke compares girlfriend to irritating Java tool – did he deserve flames?

A programmer was given a right shoeing on Twitter and various blogs for a classy move at a tech event – comparing Apache Maven to a beautiful-but-annoying girlfriend. Jonathan Doklovic, principal developer at software-maker Atlassian, made the comments while giving a thrilling talk about plugins at the AtlasCamp 2014 in Berlin …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Jun 2014

Japanese finally produce a ROBOT which isn't DEAD INSIDE

Boffins have unveiled a robot that, we're confidently told, can understand human emotions. Named Pepper, the shiny machine has what appears to be a tablet computer strapped to its chest, and it resembles a cross between a mermaid and a, ahem, marital aid. It is the work of SoftBank Mobile Corp, a Japanese cell network, and …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Jun 2014
Pack ice on Mars. image credit ESA

YOU - NASA. Enough with the ROBOTS, get some PEOPLE to MARS

It's time to stop mucking about and get your ass to Mars. That was the message delivered by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall, but it's also the advice proffered by a report into NASA's interplanetary activities. The National Research Council (NRC) has published a report in which it told NASA that its ultimate goal should be …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Jun 2014

Apple? More like FAP-PLE: Fanbois are the BIGGEST PERVS, say people who know

Slab-fondling Apple fanbois have been outed as the world's biggest perverts, a new study from grumble site Pornhub has claimed. Safari, the fruity firm's browser, is smut lovers' favourite one-handed surfing software. It accounts for 38 per cent of Pornhub's mobile phone traffic and 73 per cent of tablet traffic. On tablets, …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Jun 2014
Amazon Kindle Paperwhite

Former Microsoftie becomes US ambassador, opts to swear in on KINDLE

A US ambassador has become the first public official to be sworn into office using a Kindle. Normally, incoming politicians take their oath with one hand on a holy book or a print-out of the country's constitution, but former Microsoft employee Suzi LeVine wanted to bring this tradition up to date. She took an oath of office on …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Jun 2014
DARPA logo

DARPA crazytech crew want to create HUMAN-FREE cyber defence systems

American secret squirrel military research outfit DARPA has launched a competition to find the autonomous cyber-defence systems of the future. More than 30 teams will participate in the Cyber Grand Challenge, which is described as a "first of its kind tournament" designed to kickstart the development of automated security …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jun 2014
warehouse interior - wide aisle, big shelves

Amazon workers in Germany celebrate strike anniversary with ... ANOTHER STRIKE

Amazon workers in Germany have gone on strike again after the internet souk failed to resolve an ongoing dispute over pay and conditions. The workers' union Verdi said staff would go on strike in Bad Hersfeld and Graben. This industrial action follows an impromptu walkout by more than 600 workers in Leipzig and Bad Hersfeld. …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jun 2014
APPLEWHEEL

Apple's steamy OS XXX picture leak riddle: Blurry snaps deleted

Like death, taxes and other inevitabilities, it's time for Apple's Worldwide Developer Conference and the annual pre-event leak. This year, it's blurry photos of what's supposed to be the next OS X update, 10.10. Of course, we'll only know for sure the pictures – apparently "taken at Apple in California" – are the real deal …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jun 2014

Kardashian's bottom plumps down on Instagram throne

All those worried about the future of civilisation should look away now. One of Kim Kardashian's wedding pictures has become the most liked image in the history of Instagram, garnering almost two million digital thumbs ups over the past week. Some 1.96 million liked the following image, with 35.8 thousand people choosing to …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jun 2014
Roughly 150kg of gold

Apple: Scrubbing may not yet have cleansed iThings of BLOOD

Apple has admitted that it does not know whether some of the materials used in its products are sourced from conflict zones. In a report filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission, it admitted that four smelters and refineries whose products it uses have not yet definitively proved their materials do not come from war- …
Jasper Hamill, 30 May 2014
Dr Dre Beats Solo

Brunner does a runner: Beats designer must hand the brand to Apple

The man who designed the famous Beats by Dre headphones will not continue to work on the brand after its sale to Apple, it has been announced. Robert Brunner was head of industrial design at Apple in the early '90s – where he worked on Macintosh, the original PowerBook and Newton – although he has quipped: "I sometimes joke that …
Jasper Hamill, 30 May 2014

Come with me if you want a lid: Apple bags Terminator-esque LiquidMetal mobe patent

Apple has patented a method of embedding sapphire glass within a bezel made of the new, exciting-sounding (but rather dull) material LiquidMetal. US Patent number 8,738,104 is titled "methods and systems for integrally trapping a glass insert in a metal bezel", and the design is at least six years old. Since then, Apple has …
Jasper Hamill, 28 May 2014
Screaming kid

Watch: Kids slam Apple as 'BORING, the whole thing is BORING'

Show an Apple II computer to a bunch of kids and film their reactions for YouTube. What could go wrong? If there's one thing more annoying than children, it's creaking old technology. So those of a sensitive disposition should probably look away now, because one viral-video team has decided to combine these two weapons of mass …
Jasper Hamill, 27 May 2014
USB flash storage chip close-up

World's first ever Nobel Prize winning integrated circuit to be auctioned

Are you a chip nerd with $2m to spare? Then you're in luck, because a historic prototype of the world's first integrated circuit is set to be auctioned at Christie's. The expensive piece of computing history was invented by Jack Kilby at Texas Instruments in 1958 and demonstrated that an integrated circuit could be squeezed onto …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014
TX4 Black Cab

NOT APPY: Black cab drivers enraged by Hailo as taxi tech wars rage on

The London-based taxi app Hailo, which formerly worked only with black licensed cabs, has found itself at the eye of the storm after black cabbies launched a series of attacks against its vehicles and premises following its move to work with private hire minicabs. Hailo's vehicle office in Bermondsey was at the centre of an …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014

I'LL BE APP! Apple renews LiquidMetal contract, Terminator rumours flood interwebs

Apple has extended its partnership with a firm called LiquidMetal, making it more than likely its eponymous alloy will be used in some upcoming iThing. Sadly, this exciting-sounding material won't actually allow the fruity firm to create shape-shifting Terminators because its uses are likely to be far more prosaic. So far, Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 23 May 2014
iMessage

Apple vows to squash iMessage SMS-KILLER

Apple has 'fessed up to an iMessage problem that occasionally clobbers iPhone-toting fanbois if they use non-iOS mobes and vowed to fix it. The long-standing iMessage issue means that people who change to using another device which doesn't have iMessage – such as one running OS Android – may not receive all of their text …
Jasper Hamill, 22 May 2014
Apple's new Cupertino campus - rendering

Expulsion from Garden of Steven: Apple staffers tossed out of Fruit Loop

It you work for Apple, you're probably very excited about the supersized "spaceship" headquarters set to touch down in Cupertino. But don't get ahead of yourself, because almost 1,500 unlucky employees are set to be sidelined into a boring-looking group of office buildings on the side of a dual carriageway. Apple is planning to …
Jasper Hamill, 22 May 2014
The Apple glasses

Fanbois Apple-gasm as iPhone giant finally reveals WWDC lineup

Apple's most innovative minds seem to have been on a go-slow recently, with no properly exciting new products announced since Steve Jobs shuffled off this mortal coil. But at least the fruity firm can be relied upon to update its software on an annual-ish basis, which generally happens at the Worldwide Developers' Conference. …
Jasper Hamill, 21 May 2014

Drug-dealing game Weed Firm tops Apple's App Store charts

Apple has lifted its usual censorship firewall to allow a game simulation of a drug-pushing business called Weed Firm to shoot to number one in its App Store charts. The sim-smoker app allows cosseted fanbois to imagine life as a herbal wholesaler. Players are invited to build contacts in the underworld, beef up their production …
Jasper Hamill, 20 May 2014
Steve Wozniak

SAVE NET NEUTRALITY, urges Steve Wozniak in open letter to bigwigs

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has waded into the net neutrality debate with an open letter calling for fair and equal internet access for all. Woz's missive to the US Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is a deeply personal note detailing his belief that the 'net should be free and unrestricted. He starts with the line, "I …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
By Mike.T https://www.flickr.com/photos/fallstreak_holes/

Welcome to Heathrow Terminal, er, Samsung Galaxy S5

Samsung has decided to allow its marketing department's imaginations to take flight, which has resulted in a rather crap plan to effectively rename Heathrow's Terminal Five. The mega airport terminal in London will feature signs that read "Terminal Samsung Galaxy S5" in a move a Sammy exec described as "one-off opportunity to …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
Texting by TarahDawdy

Fast-fingered Filho flicks aside WinPhone-furtling fumbler after 4 months

A young Brazilian has smashed a world-texting record after accurately finger-blasting a nonsensical message at speeds hitherto unachieved by humanity. Marcel Fernandes Filho from Brazil, managed to type out a test sentence in 18.19 seconds, using a Samsung Galaxy S4 with the Fleksy keyboard application installed. To snaffle the …
Jasper Hamill, 19 May 2014
Hacker No.1 Shirt

So you reckon you're a leet infosec warrior. Now you can prove it, pal

Defend Blighty from malware, show online crooks who's boss, bank a pay cheque, and sip a martini. It's not quite James Bond, but if you reckon you're up to the job, good news: Cyber Security Challenge UK launches today, on Friday, and is supposed to give Brits a chance to prove their computer security skills. Developed by …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014

Bolshy investor takes another bite of Apple, ups stake to $4.4 BEEELLLION

Carl Icahn has now slurped more than 7.5 million Apple shares, raising his stake in the fruity firm to a whopping $4.4bn. According to a recent Securities and Exchange Commission filing, Carl the Conqueror bought 2.8 million shares worth almost $1.65bn during March. Apple stock is now worth $588.82. Big Carl is referred to as …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014
Google_Hummingbird

Builder could lose golden ticket to Google's King Cross chocolate factory

Google will not start work on its swanky London headquarters for another three years, the head of the firm which won the main contract for its construction has admitted. It is now likely that BAM Construct will lose the contract to build the Kings Cross HQ, as it may be put out to tender. In the annual report, Graham Cash, …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014

Giant pop can FOUND ON MOON

Getting a man on the Moon was one of the 20th century's crowning achievements and a feat that hasn't been matched by any government, let alone a private company. But now one Japanese firm is taking a giant leap for advertising by launching the world's first privately funded lunar mission. So what sort of heroes are going to …
Jasper Hamill, 16 May 2014
Super Mario Galaxy 2

Philips lobs patent sueball at Nintendo in US: Seeks to BAN Wii U

Electronics manufacturer Philips has launched a legal bid to ban sales of the Wii U in the United States after filing a suit alleging the Nintendo consoles and other Wii kit had infringed two of its patents. The Dutch firm yesterday filed a suit claiming Nintendo had infringed its "virtual body control device" patent (6285379) …
Jasper Hamill, 15 May 2014