Jasper Hamill

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Apple iPhone 5c: attempting to bend or break the case

Foxconn exec on iPhone 6: You're BENDING it WRONG

The head of Apple partner Foxconn has blamed the flexible iPhone 6 scandal — now using the grimly predictable suffix "gate" — on nasty, gossiping rivals. "Bendgate" video bloggers claim the new iPhone, when strapped to fanbois' thighs, has been losing its shape quicker than Man Utd's back four. CEO Terry Gou maintains that …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Oct 2014
Blik's Original Super Mario Wall Decals

Apple KILLS SUPER MARIO. And Zelda. And Sonic

Certain slab-fondling fanbois will soon be forced to cough up for a Wii U wave goodbye to their childhoods following Apple's decision to close a loophole in the next version of iOS 8 that allowed console emulators to run on iPhones and iPads. A fresh beta version of iOS 8.1 landed in developers' laps on Tuesday, and it was …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Oct 2014
cloud

Sophos gulps down hot Mojave, will puff out more secure clouds

Sophos has slurped up the security firm Mojave Networks in a bid to develop the world's strongest and most secure cloud. You should probably now get excited about data security. "Mojave Networks is a young innovative company that has built a leading platform right at the intersection of three cutting-edge areas of security: …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Oct 2014

Apple and GT: Sapphire glass is cracked, but still not broken

Apple's use of the legendary tough and durable sapphire glass in its equally legendary products hangs in the balance following the collapse of its main supplier. GT Advanced Technologies filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday, causing its share price to crash and burn — falling by 93 per cent to a measly 80 cents. Now …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Oct 2014
A sapphire gemstone

Sapphire glass maker's woes caused by Apple relationship 'breakdown'

Analysts have suggested the collapse of sapphire glass manufacturer GT Advanced Technologies may have been caused by a "breakdown" in relations with Apple. The iThing giant appeared to be determined to use the scratch-resistant wonder material in its new iPhones and the Apple Watch, but those plans were thrown into doubt on …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Oct 2014
Apple iPad 3 aka new iPad

Is Apple incubating a Macbook, iPad bastard child?

What do you think would happen if an iPad made sweet, sweet love to a Macbook? Just go with it please, for the sake of argument. It would give birth to a misshapen, outsized fondleslab, running a delicate and (probably) delicious integration of OSX and iOS. And a full suite of apps, naturally. But it's not going to happen, is …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014

Inflatables in SPAAACE! ISS 'nauts to enjoy bouncy castle spaceship

Astronauts will be able to enjoy the pleasures of an inflatable spaceship from next year, when a blow-up craft will attach itself to the International Space Station. The Bigelow Expandable Activity Module (BEAM) is expected to be blasted into space aboard SpaceX's Dragon cargo spacecraft at some point in 2015, the firm behind it …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014
Eve in the Garden of Eden talking to a rather angry God on Snapchat

PEAK APPLE: iOS 8 SHUNNED by refusenik fanbois

Apple has failed to persuade the fanboi legions to abandon the old versions of its mobile operating system and plunge into the many pleasures of iOS 8. Adoption rates of the new version of iOS 8 have stalled, with equal numbers of Apple fanfolk using both the new and old operating system. If true, this means the rollout of iOS …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014
Apple's new Cupertino campus – floor plan

APPLE still building fanbois CULT HQ in Cupertino, it seems

The new Apple Fruit Loop HQ is taking shape, with the foundations laid and the building now resembling the ruined monolithic gathering place of a once mighty Pagan cult. Which, of course, is kind of what the Apple Campus II will be when completed. Inside will burn the eternal flame of Steve Jobs, stoked by the whispy dreams of …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014
Apple Watch

'Apple Watch' sapphire glass maker files for bankruptcy protection

The firm which was rumoured to have been manufacturing sapphire glass for Apple's upcoming smartwatch has filed for bankruptcy protection. Sources had been whispering that Apple was planning to use the scratch-resistant material for the screens on the Apple Watch and forthcoming models of the iPhone. GT Technologies filed for …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Oct 2014
Malware

Apple tries to kill iWorm: Zombie botnet feasting on Mac brains

Apple has updated its XProtect anti-malware system to squash several variants of the iWorm before the malware causes any further damage. The changes to the program XProtect.plist allows OSX to detect and block three species of iWorm, helpfully named OSX.iWorm.A, OSX.iWorm.B, and OSX.iWorm.C. XProtect is Apple's rudimentary …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Oct 2014
iPhone 6 Plus opened up

Apple's iPhone 6 can REVERSE BALDNESS (and cause it, too)

We've all suspected Apple's Jesus Phone can perform miracles, but few of us suspected it could perform the remarkable task of causing hairs to grow from bald men's heads. But now it has emerged that a number of bald men have claimed the new iPhone 6 Plus has ripped hairs from their fur-free noggins. Seeing as they don't appear …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Oct 2014

Blighty: Welcome your new, faceless MI6 chief – Alex Younger

Career spook Alex Younger has been named as the new head of MI6, replacing Sir John Sawers. Before taking up his position as boss of the Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), which is more widely known as MI6, Younger oversaw its global operations. After joining in 1991, he was posted to Europe and the Middle East, before becoming …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Oct 2014
steve jobs

Google's Eric Schmidt's shock confession: Steve Jobs is.... MY HERO

Google supremo Eric Schmidt has claimed that Steve Jobs was his "hero" and said that we should all endeavour to "be a small percentage" of the Apple godhead. This might sound like he's encouraging time-travel cannibalism, but it's really just a call for everyone to do their bit to change the world. He doesn't mean properly …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Oct 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

You don't have to be mad to work at Apple but....

Former Apple employees have apparently told a podcast host that Cupertino is a brutal work camp run by monomaniac workaholics who would rather be in the office than out enjoying life. Don Melton and Nitin Ganatra were both senior staff in Apple's Cupertino headquarters but said they've since escaped to a happier existence. …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Oct 2014

Apple tool: Buying an iPhone in a carpark? Find out if it's STOLEN

Apple has rolled out a new service allowing buyers to check if the iPhone they're about to purchase is actually stolen. All you need to do is place the phone's IMEI or serial number into this website to be politely informed as to whether or not that dodgy bloke down the market (who generally avoids direct eye contact) has ripped …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

Apple blacklists tech journo following explicit BENDY iPhone vid

Apple has allegedly blacklisted a German tech journalist who filmed a video that proved the new iPhone 6 Plus could be bent. Axel Telzerow, editor of Computer Bild, was determined to see if the new mobe could be persuaded to take on a more curved shape, only to be "shocked" to see how easy it was to buckle the already quite …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Oct 2014

Ingredient found in TASTY BEER is GOOD for your BRAIN

It may come as a surprise to anyone nursing a hangover, but beer might actually be good for your brain. Boffins at Oregon State University found that a chemical called xanthohumol, which is found in hops, improved "cognitive function" related to the memory of mice. Xanthohumol is a flavanoid, a class of compounds which are …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Oct 2014

IRONY ALERT: Former MI6 chief warns of 'mass snooping' - by PAEDOS

The former head of MI6 has warned parents that paedophile predators are capable of using location-based services to find and abuse their kids. In a warning that might sound a bit rich coming from a former chief spook, Sir John Scarlett said he was worried about how easily a youngster's movements could be traced. Young girls are …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Oct 2014

SLOSH! Cops dethrone suspect - by tipping over portaloo with him inside

Vid The careers of four US cops could be flushed down the pan after they tipped over a portable toilet while a man was inside it. Four officers from the Memphis Police Department have been suspended after pushing over the portable potty. Inside was 31-year-old Joseph Hampton, whom the cops suspected of criminal trespass and evading …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Oct 2014

Hipster chimps are SLAVES to the latest social trends

Boffins have observed the "incredibly rare" moment that new forms of behaviour spread around a community of chimps. Just like the slavishly modish sub-species of humanity known as hipsters, chimps are known to copy each other's actions. Scientists at the University of St Andrews spotted the sharing of ideas among the Sonso …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Oct 2014

SPECIAL iPHONE TROUSERS will ease Apple into the fashion world

Fashion labels are considering fitting extra large pockets into their jeans to allow on-trend fanbois and gurlz to trouser the supersized Apple iPhone 6 Plus. Apple has been pushing one clear message recently: bigger is better. Whether it be rumours of an upcoming 12.9-inch iPad Air 2 or the larger iPhone, Tim Cook seems …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Oct 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

Apple is GOLDBRICKING IT: BEHOLD the iPad Glister-Slab

Apple is rumoured to be preparing to unleash a blinged-up golden iPad to satisfy some perceived consumer demand for ever more ostentatious devices. Perhaps suspecting the fanboi world has adopted the sort of goldlust more associated with Mr T than Mr Cook, the fruity firm is reportedly planning to give its new iPad Air 2 the …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Oct 2014

Anna Wintour, Karl Lagerfeld and some Apple bloke attend glitzy iPhone 6 Paris launch

Pics Tim Cook has made a bid to colonise the wrists of fashionistas everywhere by holding a series of promotional events for the Apple Watch in the world's most fashionable city. Sadly, he didn't manage to get a place in London and had to make do with Paris instead. Apple ditched the usual "town hall" approach of its product launch …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Sep 2014
Mars

Ice, ice maybe: Evidence of 'Grand Canyon' glacier FOUND ON MARS

Boffins have found evidence that suggests an ancient glacier was once at the bottom of a huge chasm known as the Grand Canyon of Mars. It has long been speculated that glacial action formed the massive Valles Marineris canyon, which stretches for about 4,000km (2,500 miles) along the surface of the Red Planet. But this theory …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Sep 2014
New humpback dolphin species

DOLPHINS SMELL MAGNETS – did we hear that right, boffins?

Scientists have discovered that dolphins are sensitive to magnetic fields, shedding some light on how the lusty mammals navigate the oceans. A team at the Université de Rennes in France carried out experiments on six bottlenose dolphins to determine whether they behaved differently when exposed to magnets. The researchers …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Sep 2014

Beijing says YES, GIVE US the iPHONE 6 even if it spies for the NSA

Beijing has approved the new iPhone 6 for sale after regulators were reassured that the devices contain no backdoors allowing NSA snooping. The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus will hit the shelves from 17 October, ending Chinese fanbois' wait to see if the larger iPhone 6 Plus will bend if exposed to the fiery heat of their crotches …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Sep 2014
iPhone 4

TEEN RAMPAGE: Kids in iPhone 6 'Will it bend' YouTube 'prank'

Two teenagers have braved the wrath of Tim Cook after apparently sneaking into an Apple store and bending a number of iPhones, after which they uploaded the vid to YouTube, as you do. The pair, whose faces are visible in the video, performed their "test" in response to persistent rumours that the iPhone 6 Plus was changing shape …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Sep 2014

NASA rover Curiosity drills HOLE in MARS 'GOLF COURSE'

The Mars Curiosity rover has drilled an opening that looks suspiciously like the hole towards which Tiger Woods and his fellow golfers usually aim their balls. It is the first hole dug by the Rover during its quest to find water on the Red Planet. On its journey across the mountain, the Rover also spotted what appears to be a …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Sep 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

Crouching tiger, FAST ASLEEP dragon: Smugglers can't shift iPhone 6s

Chinese grey market sales of Apple's new iPhone 6 have been sluggish, according to local sources, as the Middle Kingdom fails to warm to the smartphones. The country's fertile grey market is usually overcome with intense demand following the announcement of a new iPhone, as the mobes are generally released a few weeks later than …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Sep 2014
BT Openreach van outside Comedy Pub

BT claims almost-gigabit connections over COPPER WIRE

BT has claimed that ultrafast modern broadband can be delivered using a decidedly old school method: copper wires. The telco has released research which found that combined downstream and upstream speeds of up to one Gigabit per second (1000 Mbps) is possible using a mix of fibre and copper. It admitted that many folk assumed …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Sep 2014

Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city

The Belgian city of Bruges has approved plans to build a pipeline which will funnel beer underneath its famous cobbled streets. Locals and politicians were fed up with huge lorries clattering through the cobbled streets and tiny canal paths of the picturesque city and decided to connect the De Halve Maan brewery to a bottling …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Sep 2014
Apple iPhone 6

Apple 'Genius': iPhone 6? We've had NO COMPLAINTS about our BENDY iThing

Apple has told El Reg that the risk of an iPhone 6 Plus bending in the pocket of a fanboi has been greatly overstated. The fruity firm's British support service told us they had received no calls about the issue and criticised Apple rumour sites for stoking an atmosphere of fear. Fanbois have been tying themselves in knots over …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Sep 2014

Big dinosaur wowed females with its ENORMOUS HOOTER

Boffins have discovered a dinosaur with one of the biggest noses ever seen in the animal kingdom, which it was thought to flash around in a bid to impress the ladies. The researchers who found the big-hootered dino decided to call it Rhinorex condrupus, which literally means "King Nose". Terry Gates, a joint post-doctoral …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Sep 2014

'Space bubbles' may have helped Taliban down 'copter in bloody Afghanistan battle

The world has been treated to all sorts of excuses about why the United States and its allies from the UK and elsewhere failed to win the ongoing war in Afghanistan. Now boffins have put forward the bizarre suggestion that one of the Yanks' most infamous defeats was actually caused by a phenomenon called space bubbles. Lead …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Sep 2014
emma watson

4chan outraged by Emma Watson nudie photo leak SCAM

The Emma Watson nude photo leak scandal has been exposed as a spoof - by a gang of spoofers. A mysterious "marketing firm" calling itself Rantic has been fingered as the architect of a fake threat to leak nude images of the Harry Potter starlet. The internet was set alight this week by rumours that 4chan nutjobs were planning …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Sep 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

NSFW: Click here, watch iPhone 6 being TORTURED

Apple claims its latest device is bigger and better than any other mobile phone, but the iOS 8 sporting iPhone 6 Plus has already been criticised for supposedly bending in fanbois' pockets. So if it can't survive the flaming heat of an Apple lover's crotch, what hope has it got against a hammer or a large calibre rifle? Not a …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Sep 2014

London slaps down Salesforce's bid to rename Heron Tower

The City of London has slapped down Salesforce and banned it from changing the name of a prominent skyscraper. The cloud computing firm is based in the Heron Tower, near Liverpool Street, which it had wanted to rename the Salesforce Tower. But at a meeting today, politicians voted against the plan and instead decided to call …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Sep 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

MOST iPhone strokers SPURN iOS 8: iOS 7 'un-updatening' in 5...4...

Members of the Apple faithful have so far updated less than half of their iPhones, iPads and iPods with the newest refresh of the firm's mobile operating system, iOS 8. Five days after the new mobile OS was released, Cupertino reckons 46 per cent of iThings have been given software updates, where possible – iOS 8 isn't …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Sep 2014
Slide from Tim Cook's presentation at the Apple product roll-out event of October 22, 2013, indicating the competition's confusion

Ab phab: Apple is Britain's coolest brand YET AGAIN

It might be news to anyone who watched queues of rabid fanbois queue for days to buy the iPhone 6, but apparently Apple is still Britain's coolest brand. In spite of its association with the heinously unhip U2, Apple's own trendiness is "untouchable", an organisation called CoolBrands has claimed. It has put Apple on the top of …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Sep 2014
Apple iPhone 6

I sold 10 MILLION iPhone 6es at the weekend, says Tim Cook. What did you do?

Apple has claimed to have broken its sales records yet again after shifting 10 million iPhone 6 and 6 Plus units at the weekend. Tim Cook said he was basically as chuffed as he could possibly be by the sales figures of the new mobes, which went on sale this week. “Sales for iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus exceeded our expectations …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Sep 2014

Jesus phone RAISED from DEAD. Watch iPhone 6 get BURNED, DROWNED, SMASHED

Vid Apple's latest iPhones are the toughest mobes ever made, if the results of a sadistic insurer's torture test are to be believed. SquareTrade used a cruel robot to inflict all manner of pain on the two models of the iPhone 6, which can be bought in the normal size or as a well-endowed, ab-phab version with a 5.5-inch face. The …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Sep 2014
Mars

India vs America: Earthling invaders in race to MARS

India and America are locked into a race to Mars - but it looks as if the Yanks will get there first. On Sunday, NASA's Mars Atmosphere and Volatile Evolution (MAVEN) spacecraft will complete its 10 month journey and go into orbit around the Red Planet. Its 442 million mile trip will conclude with a tricky manouvere which …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Sep 2014

Joan Rivers promotes iPhone 6 from BEYOND THE GRAVE

Dead comedian Joan Rivers has shuffled briefly back onto this mortal coil to promote Apple's iPhone 6. She sadly passed away during a throat operation - but perhaps spurred on by the turtlenecked ghost of Steve Jobs, Joan Rivers took to her Facebook account today to write: This badass is being replaced by an iPhone 6 (not the …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Sep 2014
London Apple store queue for iPhone 6

Reg bloke zips through an iPHONE 6 queue from ZERO to 60 SECONDS

Vid World+Dog descended upon the flagship London Apple Store today in an attempt to get their sweaty mitts on the phabulous new iPhone 6 Plus. This Register reporter was on hand a little after the shop opened, to get a sense of why on earth people would queue for weeks just for the opportunity to buy a phone which is only …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Sep 2014

Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us

Italian boffins claim to have devised a method of predicting future crime trends in London using creepy footfall data collected by a mobile phone provider. A team at the University of Trento said they are able to work out whether an area will have a low or high crime rate with an accuracy of 70 per cent. The researchers' …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Sep 2014
Apple Watch

Driving with an Apple Watch could land you with a £100 FINE

We're struggling to find a single reason why anyone would want to wear an Apple Watch, but here's one reason why you shouldn't. The Institute of Advanced Motorists (IAM) has warned that anyone caught using a justWatch when driving will be be hit with the same punishment as if they had been using a mobile phone. This cautionary …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Sep 2014
Eve in the Garden of Eden talking to a rather angry God on Snapchat

Apple flops out 2FA for iCloud in bid to stop future nude selfie leaks

Apple has rolled out two-factor authentication to lock down iCloud accounts, a move designed to prevent a repeat of the Celebgate incident when smutty snaps of nude starlets were leaked from the bowels of 4Chan. It is thought that hackers managed to get inside the celebs' iCloud accounts, which were chock-full of rude images. …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Sep 2014
Scotland

JINGS! Microsoft Bing called Scots indyref RIGHT!

As we reported two days ago: Microsoft's seldom-used digital yellow pages has waded into the independence referendum with the claim that Scots will vote no and the United Kingdom will be preserved. According to the world's other search engine, some 48.1 per cent of Scots will tick the Yes box, while 51.9 per cent will choose …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Sep 2014
Nervous girl bites nails

WRISTJOB LOVE BONANZA: justWatch sex app promises blind date hookups

Back in the bad old days when men were men and women were, well, a bit more relaxed, new forms of technology generally ushered in equally new ways of watching other folk having sex. Few older gents can forget the VHS and Betamax era, because it allowed them to linger over hours of grumble movies starring a host of lovelies and …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Sep 2014