Jasper Hamill

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Christian Bale is Steve Jobs

iBail: American Psycho actor Christian Bale rejects Steve Jobs role

Batman Begins actor Christian Bale has declined the opportunity to channel the spirit of Steve Jobs and will no longer star in a biopic about the erstwhile Apple supremo. The film has been hit by personnel troubles ever since its inception. Bale is the second high-profile thesp to change his mind about playing the fruity fuhrer …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014

Secrets in Seattle: Apple opening base on Microsoft's doorstep

Apple is hatching plans to open a mysterious engineering facility in Seattle, the home of its sworn blood-rival Microsoft. The fruity firm has posted a number of job adverts looking for software engineers in the city. An Apple apparatchik confirmed the presence of the new office, but declined to say how many people worked there …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014
Apple-1

Got a spare $600k? Then an ancient Apple-1 could be yours

It's clapped-out and so under-specced that sending even the briefest of tweets is impossible. But that won't stop some super rich collector from paying $600,000 for an Apple-1 computer signed by the Cupertino Godhead himself, Steve Jobs. The pre-Mac was built in Jobs' garage before being sold to Charles Ricketts. According to …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014

European SPACEMAN exposes EERIE snaps of ISS in Twitter feed

An astronaut has posted a series of eerie images showing the International Space Station after nightfall. Entitled "Spooky Space Station", the creepy shots show the claustrophobia and isolation of life in orbit. They were taken by the German ESA astronaut Alexander Gerst, who is taking part in a six-month mission called Blue …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014
Apple Watch

Apple Watch buyers will feel 'different' after being 'serviced' in spring 2015

What will you be buying your loved one for Valentine's Day next year? Not an Apple Watch, it seems, as this much-anticipated gizmo is now set to be released in the spring of 2015. Apple retail supremo Angela Ahrendts revealed the timing of the release in a leaked video message. In a rather saucy-sounding missive, the former …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014
Cybermen in Dark Water

BBC clamps down on ILLICIT iPlayer watchers

A gang of British licence fee payers have grabbed their virtual pitchforks and marched on the Beeb in protest against its decision to ban iPlayer RSS feeds. The changes are designed to stop naughty viewers from using third-party clients to watch the Beeb. Several Register readers have contacted us and complained about the …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014

Trolls pop malformed heads above bridge to sling abuse at Tim Cook

Apple boss Tim Cook has been bombarded with homophobic abuse after revealing his sexuality to the world on Thursday. Cook spoke out yesterday to say he considered "being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me". Trolls, religious nuts and plain old homophobes from the four corners of the internet immediately took to …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

DR LIPS warns: DON'T KISS that NEWT - it's got FLESH-EATING PLAGUE

Planning to snog a frog, a newt or a salamander and turn it into Prince Charming? Well, think again, princess, because a deadly skin-eating fungus is wiping them out across the world. The deadly fungus is called Batrachochytrium salamandrivorans and has already devastated wild populations of fire salamanders in the …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

So long, thanks for all the ...er, FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Smug humans tend to think fish are the stupidest of all beasties. But that belief has turned out to be a load of barnacles after boffins revealed the true intellect of our fishy friends. Researchers from the University of Bath joined forces with London's Queen Mary University to work out how zebrafish perceive their deep sea …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

NHS quango fatcats spend £2m tax dosh on iPads and iPhones

Government health chiefs have admitted to spending millions of pounds furnishing bureaucrats with Apple iPhones and fondleslabs. Taxpayers forked out more than £2m to buy iThings for the staff of NHS non-departmental public bodies, which are arms-length government organisations more commonly known as quangos. Dr Daniel Poulter …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014
alertme review energy meter monitor

UK smart meters arrive in 2020. Hackers have ALREADY found a flaw

British consumers could easily hack into controversial new smart meters, allowing them to illegally slash their energy bills, cyber-security experts have warned. The caution came as top White Hall apparatchiks met with energy industry leaders today to discuss plans that will see the the devices installed in every British home by …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014
Apple CEO Tim Cook, 2012

Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'

Apple bossman Tim Cook has come out as gay and has vowed to spend the rest of his life helping to "pave the sunlit path" towards equality and justice. Up until now, Cook's sexuality wasn't so much a secret as an unmentioned truth. He has frequently joined Pride marches and spoken openly about the mistreatment faced by gay people …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014

China set to be buried under mountain of surplus robots, warns biz chap

China has been warned of an approaching robot bubble fuelled by Beijing's desire to massively overdevelop the internal automation market. Worried by sluggish growth and ominous warnings of an imminent slowdown, the Chinese state wants to build an army of robotic workers. It plans to create five robotics "champion" firms which …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014

Lawyers mobilise angry mob against Apple over alleged 2011 Macbook Pro crapness

A legal firm has launched a class action against Apple over claims the 2011 MacBook Pro suffered from "random bouts of graphical distortion, system instability and system failures". In the legal complaint, the plaintiffs said the "computer was described by many as a dud and defective from inception". The laptops in question …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

PEAK APPLE: iOS 8 is least popular Cupertino mobile OS in all of HUMAN HISTORY

Half of all fanbois and gurlz have finally installed iOS 8 on their iThings, hammering home the point that Apple's new mobile operating system is much less popular than previous versions. A glance at the Apple developer support page reveals that 52 percent of users have now installed iOS 8 on their iPhone or fondleslab, which …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Apple iPad Air 2

Apple spent just ONE DOLLAR beefing up the latest iPad Air 2

New iPad Air 2 components cost Apple just one dollar more than the previous model, according to the teardown bods at IHS. The no-frills 16 gigabyte Wi-Fi flavour of fruity fondleslab reportedly costs Apple about $275 (about £167), compared to $274 for the first iPad Air. Seeing as the iPad sells for just under £400, this would …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014

Apple to PROTECT YOU from dreaded TROUSER EXPLOSIONS

Apple has patented a fireproof material that could finally banish the misery of mobile phone trouser explosions. All too often, mobes can go pop in a person's pocket, causing hideous burns and ruining a perfectly good pair of trousers to boot. Now Apple has decided to step in and make sure that fanbois' nether regions are safe …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth

A Scottish distillery is celebrating the return of the first ever space-matured batch of whisky. Back in 2011, the Islay-based Ardbeg distillery sent several vials of whisky to the International Space Station, where they were spun around the earth at 17,227 mph, orbiting 15 times a day for almost three years. The astronauts up …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Even a broken watch is right twice a day: Not an un-charged Apple Watch

The Apple Watch will require daily charging thanks to its poor battery life, Apple CEO Tim Cook has admitted. The daily maintenance is reminiscent of the bad old days when timepieces needed to be wound up to keep them ticking. Speaking at a live Q+A, the Apple boss said: "We think people are going to use it so much you will end …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

Caption this: CERN needs pic tags. Serious answers only, kids

The super bright minds at CERN have unearthed a massive cache of old photos - and they need your help working out what on earth is going on in some of them. During the first 50 years of its existence, CERN amassed about 250,000 analogue photographs. Some unlucky archivist has been given the job of digitising 120,000 from the …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

HUGE SHARK as big as a WWII SUBMARINE died out, allowing whales to exist

It was the largest shark ever seen on Planet Earth - the size of some World War II combat submarines - but until now no-one really knew whether a stray Megalodon was still lurking somewhere out there in the ocean. But finally swimmers can rest easy today - on this score at least, there are still plenty of regular sharks about - …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Malware

Painfully trendy: Someone just spent $200k on ebola.com

Anyone looking to cash in on the zeitgeist by buying the domain name ebola.com has left it too late, because the domain name has sold for more than $200,000. A Russian firm called Weed Growth Fund has snapped up this on-trend online home, according to an SEC filing. The Russian-registered company that now owns ebola.com paid $ …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Newton MessagePad 120 - logo

Now: The REAL APPLE NEWS you need to know

Apple Watch? Bah humbug. Bonk to pay? Boring. So what's the real Apple news today, you ask? Well, the birthplace of one of world's most famous pieces of fruit is up for a prestigious award. No, not the garage where Steve Jobs smoked joints and watched Woz the Great and Powerful build the first ever Apple computers. We're …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014

UNCHAINING DEMONS which might DESTROY HUMANITY: Musk on AI

Electro-car kingpin and spacecraft mogul Elon Musk has warned that meddling with Artificial Intelligence risks "summoning the demon" that could destroy humanity. The Musky motor trader is terrified that humanity will end up creating a synthetic monster that we cannot control. And no, the SpaceX billionaire didn't warn us about …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Alun Taylor dons Google tech specs Google Glass

Google Glassholes are UNDATEABLE – HP exec

Hoping to woo the ladies with your shiny new Google Glass? Don't bother, because no woman in her right mind would let a Glasshole anywhere near her data centre, an HP bigwig has claimed. Ray Edwards, managing director for HP’s New Ventures division at Network Portfolio and Architecture, reportedly slammed the sex appeal of …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014