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Jasper Hamill

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Buzz Aldrin, spaceman. Pic NASA

Man FOUND ON MOON denies lunar alien interface

Space ace Buzz Aldrin has admitted glimpsing a UFO during his journey to the Moon – but insisted it was not an extraterrestrial visitation. The second man on the Moon answered questions during a Reddit Ask Me Anything (AMA) session, touching on missions to Mars, aliens, and the dubious accuracy of the film Gravity. Aldrin's AMA …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014

Dammit, Foxconn: Where's our 1 MILLION-strong robot ARMY?

Foxconn's much-vaunted robot army will do little more than insert screws, polish parts and assist human workers, it has been claimed. A report in the Taiwanese press has suggested that "Foxbots" are nowhere near sophisticated enough to replace real people in Foxconn's factories, which have been the scene of worker suicides. …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014
Photo of Jonathan Ive

'Ribbed' for your pleasure: Jony Ive unveils NAKED IPHONE

Apple has patented a method of building an all-glass device which could herald the arrival of a see-through iPhone. It has been granted a patent called "Fused glass device housings" which describes a technique of fusing glass pieces together in a way that makes the whole structure strong enough to withstand an impact. As well …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014
SOURCE:  http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=1412135

Down-with-the-kidz Apple stuffs up with wild 'funness' claims

Apple appears to have made a shocking admission: that one of its endlessly upgraded product lines is boring. On its website, Apple said its new iPod Touch was "engineered for funness", a sarcastic term used by the yoof – generally as an adjective and/or an abstract noun... A Reg reader pointed out the fruity faux pas and …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014

'iPhone 6' survives FRENZIED STABBING. Truly, it is the JESUS Phone

A bloke on the internet has attempted to stab to bits what he describes as an Apple "iPhone 6" - but was stopped dead by the gizmo's frontispiece, perhaps fashioned of wondro-material "sapphire glass". Marques Brownlee, a Youtube tech reviewer who goes under the name MKBHD, managed to get his hands on two dummy models of what he …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Jul 2014

iWatch watch: Apple tags sales bod from luxury Swiss watch firm

Apple hasn't officially announced the arrival of its iWatch, but you don't have to be Nostradamus to see what's on its way. Fanbois have now been given the the clearest indication so far that a wrist-borne computer is set to issue forth from Cupertino, following the hiring of a head honcho from Swiss watchmaker TAG Heuer. …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Jul 2014

iPhone user SHAMEGASM: 'I beg of you', delete sex app from my purchase list

The developer of a vibrator app has told guilty self-touching fanbois that it cannot wipe away their sinful past. Users flocked to Apple's App Store to write five-star reviews of a free app called iVibe Massager. Only it seems they were not basking in post-orgasmic bliss, but wallowing in shame. They tried to barter with the …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Jul 2014
Punk-styled girl with piercing gazes at an apple

Future Apple gumble could lock fanbois out of their own devices

Apple has filed a patent for a new location-sensitive security system which could leave fanbois' fumbling to get into their iDevices if they travel to unusual locations. The patent application describes "location-sensitive security levels and setting profiles based on detected location". It's basically describes a system which …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014

Facebook pays half a billion dollars for firm that slaps ads on videos

Facebook has paid an estimated half a billion dollars to buy a video advertising firm called LiveRail. Facebook has not officially announced how much it paid for Liverail, but estimates have ranged between $400m and $500m - a huge chunk of change by anyone's standards. There was no word on the cash to stock mix that FB coughed …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014

Apple fanbois to talk at the iWatch, INSPECTOR GADGET style – report

The next generation of fanbois will walk down the street speaking into their wristwatches, Tim Cook has suggested. Speaking to UBS analyst Steven Milunovich, Cook hinted at Apple's interest in voice messages. In a note sent to clients that was seen by Fortune magazine, Milunovich recalled: “When we visited with Tim Cook, he …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014
Xbox_baby

AVG: We need laws to stop biz from tracking our kids

The antivirus giant AVG will today call for legislative action to prevent data-grabbers from spying on children. Yuval Ben-Itzhak, the antivirus firm's chief technical officer, will speak at the Child Internet Safety Summit to call for limits on data-gathering on children's devices. AVG is well known for its antivirus software …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014
A boat full of Fail

Travel website Hotel Hippo yanked offline after data leaks spotted

Travel website Hotel Hippo is closed for business after an infosec bod spotted gaping security flaws which could allow hackers to snoop through customers' booking details. Information security consultant Scott Helme contacted The Register to discuss the security lapse, which could come in very handy for burglars who want to see …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jul 2014

Golf bloke to Richard Branson: Get on board the future bus, where there's 'NO WEATHER'

George Orwell once said the future would be like a "boot stamping on a human face – forever". It turns out that he was totally wrong. There won't be any stamping, but there'll certainly be shoes. Some of these will be 3D-printed, whilst others will be able to beam data back to Richard Branson – or rather a squad of number- …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jul 2014
ISIS Islamists in Iraq

REVEALED: The sites blocked by Great Firewall of Iraq

The Register has obtained a list of the websites which are still blocked by the Iraqi government despite its decision to lift partial and total internet blockades around the country. Although the Ministry of Communications appears to have gone back on its decision to restrict access to Facebook and Twitter, ISPs have been told …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Jul 2014

Shrew'd boffins spot TINY ELEPHANT species

Take a look at this critter. No, it's not a mouse, it's not a rodent at all ... This creature is more closely related to an elephant than a shrew. Photo of the mouse Boffins from California Academy of Sciences have found a new, round-eared species of elephant shrew, which are known colloquially as a sengi. The newly …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jun 2014
Marissa Meyer

Hey, Marissa Mayer: Flexi working time is now LAW in UK. Yahoo!

Britain has today introduced new flexible working laws which could finally free beleaguered wage-slaves from the misery of office-based working. At least, that's the promise of the new laws, which allow people to ask their bosses for compressed hours, part time work or any other arrangement which allows them a few precious hours …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jun 2014
Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos

Amazon Fire: Who needs a WAREHOUSE when you have a global ADS PLATFORM?

Amazon could use its new Fire phone to help fight its way into countries where it doesn't - or can't - operate warehouses, says an industry analysis firm. That's the opinion of an analyst at tech beancounter Canalys who believes Amazon's new Fire phone offers the opportunity to roll out a global advertising system of potentially …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jun 2014
Siri cell phone response

Devs: Fancy a job teaching Siri to speak the Queen's English?

Apple looks set to give Siri a few language lessons after advertising for experts in a variety of hitherto non-fruity dialects. According to its job listings, Apple is looking to employ a number of Siri language engineers to help roll out its personal assistant across the world. "Come and join the team that teaches Siri how to …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Jun 2014
Google protest at Moscone Center

Occupy Google: Protesters attack ad giant as I/O gets underway

Google's I/O dev conference is traditionally a time when the company basks in the love of its community: but some other Bay Area residents have been making their displeasure with the Chocolate Factory known in a very vocal fashion. Occupy Google protestors "Give me a G..." A group working under the hashtag Occupy Google …

27 Data-Slurping Facts BuzzFeed Doesn't Want You To Know!

When Buzzfeed first began to offer the world a constant free stream of inane listicles, cat pics and funny fail GIFs, it seemed too good to be true. Yet it turns out that the world's biggest content aggregator isn't just shiny and happy – it's curious too. In fact, according to a digital marketer, Big Buzzfeed is watching us all …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Jun 2014
Nest Labs' The Nest

Google Nest slurps your life into the Matrix? The TRUTH

Thought your home was safe from corporate surveillance? Think again, because thermostat-maker Nest is set to share your personal data with its mother company, Google. Nest Labs has admitted to the Wall Street Journal that personal assistant system Google Now will be among the first non-Nest apps to connect to Nest sensors and …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jun 2014

Dutch firm passes the world's first e-spliff to the left hand side

Do you want to be as stoned as Bob Marley but keep on jammin into your middle age? Then you're in luck, because a Dutch firm is riding high after introducing the world's first ever electronic doobie. The iSpliff is designed by Dutch firm E-Njoint BV and allows no-smoke-tokers to inhale liquid cannabis, using a similar method to …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jun 2014

Foxconn to take on 100 THOUSAND workers prior to iPhone 6 launch

Foxconn is preparing for the release of the iPhone 6 by embarking upon a huge hiring spree. A report from Reuters indicates Foxconn, aka Hon Hai Precision Industry, is looking to expand its workforce by up to 100,000 people. Production of the latest iPhone is due to begin next month, with the Taiwanese reports suggesting …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jun 2014
Jersey cow

Glastonbury debuts festival wide Wi-Fi network - fitted to COWS

It's one of the great problems of modern times. How does the average thirty-something festival-goer send their friends a Yo while off their chops in some far-flung field? Luckily for the ageing denizens of Glastonbury, EE has stepped in with a flock of Wi-Fi equipped cows to make sure no meal remains un-Instagrammed and no …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jun 2014

Barack Obama was ALMOST EATEN by a ROBOT GIRAFFE

A British mechanical giraffe evaded American secret services, infiltrated the White House and got close enough to Barack Obama to bite his head off. The robotic beast narrowly avoided sparking World War III after appearing at an event in the White House intended to show off the work of American "makers". The President was …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jun 2014
Google sign outside Mountain View headquarters

Google spaffs $50 MILLION on 'get girls coding' campaign

It's a job that involves long hours sitting in front of a computer, bashing characters into a computer while ignoring the happy people who are outside, frolicking in the sunshine. What hip young woman wouldn't want to be a computer programmer? With this in mind, Google has embarked upon a $50m drive to encourage women to get …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Jun 2014

Yes. App that lets you say 'Yo' raises 1 MEEELLION DOLLARS

How much would you pay for an app that only allows users to send one word? A couple of quid? Well, investors have forked out a good deal more to fund an app called Yo, which allows users to transmit just the word "yo" and nothing else. The team has already raised $1m in funding and boasts 50,000 users who have sent a total of 4 …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014
Apple iMac 27-inch 2013

Apple SOLDERS memory into new 'budget' iMac

Apple has soldered the memory into its new cheap-ish iMac in an apparent bid to make sure fanbois have no chance of souping up their new not-so-bargain-basement all-in-one computer, according to a teardown team. The fruity firm has always been interested in making sure the world's landfill sites are packed with out-of-date Macs …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014
Facebook drowning

DON'T PANIC: Facebook returns after 30-minute outage terror

Facebook is recovering from the Cluster-Zuck disaster outage which saw its stock plummet and fans rush into the arms of its sworn enemy, Twitter. The world blazed with anger and indignation after Facebook collapsed, causing its stock to fall by nearly 0.8 per cent in pre-market trading. Luckily for anyone who is craving …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014
Facebook down

Facebook goes TITSUP across WORLD! Who will look at your cousin's baby NOW?

Images of Britain's breakfasts failed to make their way onto the internet this morning after Facebook collapsed, sending the interwebs into social media withdrawal. Anyone visiting Zuck's site was shown the following message: Distraught Facebookers resorted to social media methadone - or Twitter, as it's otherwise known - to …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014

A future queen, the spy chief behind the Iraq 'dodgy dossier' – and a war base rendezvous

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, has been shown around the historic home of Britain's World War II codebreaking efforts by a former MI6 chief who was instrumental in Britain's decision to invade Iraq in 2003. She visited Bletchley Park today to be greeted by the chairman of Bletchley Park Trust Sir John Scarlett, …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Jun 2014

YOU'RE HISTORY: Ancestry.com goes titsup for TWO DAYS

The genealogy site Ancestry.com has been blasted off the internet after reportedly being hit by a DDoS attack. The site's owners said unknown assailants had launched their digital broadside on Monday. Some users are still reporting problems accessing the site, despite Ancestry's promises that it has been fixed. On its Facebook …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014
Angry Birds Valentines

Hate phone games that make you buy in-app gumble? Congrats, you're a niche player

The mobile games sector will swell in value by more than a third over the next two years, a new report from Juniper Research has claimed. According to its figure, the sector will be worth a mammoth $28.9 billion, up almost 38 percent on the $20.9bn it is apparently worth now. The report, titled Mobile & Handheld Games: Discover …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014

DANGER MOUSE is back ... and he isn't half a GLASSHOLE

They call themselves explorers, but we all know there's a better word for anyone who wears Google Glass. Youtube Video Now the legendary kids' telly character Danger Mouse is set to return to Britain's screens, only this time he's a fully paid up Glasshole. A new series will air next year, with the rodent's eye-patch replaced …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jun 2014

Unicode ideogram list-site Emojipedia goes titsup. Wow. Did you just give us the finger?

An online encyclopaedia of emojis has been chucked offline after vast numbers of people visited the site to gawp at 250 new pictographic symbols. Industry standards body Unicode has just released a Version 7.0 of the Unicode Standard, adding 2,834 new characters including 250 "emoji" ideograms which range from a charming middle …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jun 2014
ISIS Islamists in Iraq

ISIS: Iraq KILLS the INTERNET: VPNs, social media and chat apps blocked by government

Iraq has widened its internet ban to include virtual private networks and mobile data in a bid to halt the progress of brutal offensives in the country led by the extremist militant group calling itself the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isis). Described as "fascist" and "criminal" by Jon Snow of Channel 4 News, Isis has …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jun 2014
Apple iOS 7

Bloke squeezes Apple's boules, predicts millions of iPhone 6s, iWatches

Apple has enough sapphire glass within its grasp for two models of the iPhone 6, if one was to appear, as well as the semi-mythical iWatch, an independent analyst has claimed. Matt Margolis, of Wall Street Forensics, has scoped out GT Advanced Technologies, the firm tasked with operating Apple's sapphire factory in Mesa, Arizona …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jun 2014
boris_001

Boris: Look on 'London's digital tentacles', ye mighty, and despair!

London mayor Boris Johnson and ex-New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg have today opened the inaugural London Technology Week. It's estimated 30,000 people will attend 200 talks and workshops over the next five days, covering everything from big data to "digital ladies". The confabs and demos will be held in locations sprinkled …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jun 2014
NEMA 5 plug socket

Apple: REIGN OF FIRE coming to Europe courtesy of old iPhone chargers

Apple has recalled an iPhone charger over fears it could burn down fanbois' houses. Although the fruity firm stopped short of warning of imminent conflagrations, it euphemistically said that certain models of the Apple 5W European USB power adapters "may overheat and pose a safety risk" Anyone concerned about their charger …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

Latest casualties of Iraq fighting: Facebook and Twitter

Iraqis appear to have been blocked from using Twitter and Facebook after the Islamist insurgent group ISIS, now in control of much of the country, thanked Allah for social networking. Known for using extreme violence in its bid to set up a medieval Islamic state on the borders of Iraq and Syria, ISIS is as prolific on social …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

Smartphone SEX APPS will give you CUPID'S MEASLES - study

Have you fondled your slab in the hope of finding sex with a handsome stranger? Then you may want to get down the clap clinic pronto, because people who seek sex using smartphone apps are more likely to catch a nasty STD. That's the key point from a new study of hookup apps like Tinder and Grindr. Bonk-mad boffins in Los Angeles …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

London commuter hell will soon include 'one card to rule them all'

Government-funded bods at a tech incubator called the Transport Systems Catapult are working to design a "one-card-to-rule-them-all" system that includes London's buses, underground and overground trains as well as its black taxis, The Reg has learned. The pay-by-bonk system is intended to be similar to TfL's Oyster card, but …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Jun 2014

Swiftkey: We just want to be free - Apple didn't bump us

The British creators of a smart-typing app called SwiftKey have denied the decision to give it away for free was inspired by Apple's announcement of its own keyboard software. London-based SwiftKey has cut the cost of its app from £1.49 to nothing, relying on a freemium model to help bring home the bacon. Apple recently threw …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014

MIGHTY SOLAR FLARES fail to DESTROY CIVILISATION. Yes!

Humanity has once again dodged apocalypse after a solar flare failed to bring civilisation to its knees. NASA gives particularly huge flares the rating of X-Class, with an X2 being twice as powerful as X1 and an X3 twice as intense as X2 again. The latest one was a whopping X2.2 and erupted into space on June 10. NASA …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014
Mars

World first: ANIMATED GIF of Mercurian SUN ZOOM from MARS

Ever wondered what on earth the Mars Rover Curiosity is actually doing all the way out there on the surface of the Red Planet? Staring into space, that's what. Whilst peering up at the stars last week, the car-sized nuclear powered prowler caught sight of the planet Mercury passing in front of the sun, representing the first …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014
USB Stress Panic Button

BILLIONS of digital dollars go AWOL to cybercrooks, says study

Cybercrime costs the world $400bn every year – enough to send three International Space Stations into orbit – according to research commissioned by antivirus software house McAfee. Widely regarded as the most expensive object ever created, the International Space Station has cost the world about $150bn so far. But that's small …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jun 2014
The chinese characters for China as used in the new .中国  domain

Pictures of elite 'Chinese military hacker' published

American security bods have unmasked a shady state-sponsored Chinese hacking group dubbed Putter Panda. Analysts at Crowdstrike traced the shadowy group to an address in Shanghai, and even outed its alleged leader. The research firm claimed a 35-year-old bloke known online as "cpyy" registered domain names to which Putter Panda …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jun 2014
Apple Mac App Store

Apple seeks 'friendly' mouthpiece after losing tight-lipped Cotton spinner – report

Apple has launched a bid to become friendlier to the outside world after losing famously reticent publicity chief Kate Cotton. The fruity firm is looking for a new PR director in an apparent bid to rid itself of the mafia-style policy of omertà it has operated since the heyday of Steve Jobs. Following the departure of Cotton, …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jun 2014
DARPA logo

DARPA gamifies open-source software testing

Secret-squirrel military tech bureau DARPA has designed a series of computer games which can help to verify open source software. It is working on the games under the auspices of its Crowd Sourced Formal Verification programme. The idea is to perform the soft of software verification which is generally conducted by technical …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jun 2014
The Moon

Evidence of ancient WORLD SMASHER planet Theia - FOUND ON MOON

Traces of mysterious planet Theia have been found on the surface of Earth's Moon. Boffins have analysed samples of rock brought back by Apollo astronauts, and claimed they contain bits of another world. The discovery appears to back up the theory that the Moon was formed when Theia slammed into Earth some 4.5 billion years ago …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Jun 2014