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Jasper Hamill

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Sony's new PlayStation 4

Sony's PlayStation 4 pwns Xbox in the United States

Sony has claimed an early victory in the next generation console wars after saying it had sold twice as many consoles in the US during January than its arch-rival Microsoft. However, Redmond hit back with the claim that it managed to shift more games than Sony over the same period. This just in: PS4 the #1 selling game console …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Feb 2014

Parking firm pulls app after dev claims: I can SEE credit card privates

An automated parking firm has halted public access to its payment app after a blogger identified a serious security flaw which he claimed allowed him to see other users' credit card information. According to Matt Cheetham, an iOS developer based in Bournemouth, the Phone and Pay app was so leaky that he could easily access other …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Feb 2014

Japanese fanboi first in queue for, er, iPhone 6

A Japanese man who appears to be a rather overzealous Apple fanboi has started queuing for the iPhone 6, even though it hasn't been announced yet. Tokyo-based blogger Yoppy, who describes his outing in his blog as "iPhone cosplay" – apparently decided that Wednesday was the right time to dress up as an iPhone and wait outside …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Feb 2014
Apple Mac Pro

Apple pushes back release date for 'dustbin chic' Mac Pro

It has been described as Darth Vader's dustbin, but that hasn't stopped fanbois from salivating over the new Mac Pro. But they will have to keep drooling a little while longer after Apple pushed back the release date of their new high-end desktop to April. Customers in Blighty, Europe and the Far East may have to wait until …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Feb 2014
google_hq_6_big

Break out the scatter cushions: Google rents out NASA blimp hangar

Google is set to rent out NASA's historic Hangar One as well as two runways at an airfield near its Mountain View headquarters. The space agency announced a deal that would see Planetary Ventures LLC, a Google subsidiary, "rehabilitate" the historic hangar and manage Moffett Federal Airfield. We hope that doesn't mean too many …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Feb 2014

Apple investor Icahn backs down on share buyback plan

Activist investor Carl Icahn has laid down his sword and given up the fight to persuade Apple to launch a $50bn share buyback. His surprise capitulation comes after influential proxy firm ISS advised investors to vote against Icahn's proposal for Apple to buy back its own – thus allowing shareholders to get their mitts on some …

iPhone maker Foxconn to pump $1bn into new Indonesian factory

Foxconn is planning to spend up to $1bn building a new factory in Indonesia. The firm responsible for making Apple's iPhone has signed a letter of intent which will see it build a new factory in Jakarta. The facility is expected to open its gates some time in the next five years and will contain manufacturing and assembly …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Feb 2014
Tesla Roadster

Apple's Hacker Princess dumps fruity firm for Elon Musk's Tesla

Apple's "Hacker Princess" has left Cupertino for a new job at Tesla Motors. Kristin Paget, formerly chief hacker for reverse engineering firm H4RDW4RE, is best known for her Defcon research on a variety of GSM mobile network hacks, cooking up a passport RFID cloner and her work with a team of hackers on the security of Windows …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Feb 2014
Smashed Apple Store window

WHEEE... CRUNCH! iPad Mini tops list of most breakable slabs, mobes

Be careful, fanbois: Apple iThings have topped a list of the "world's most breakable gadgets". In a distinctly unscientific test, a group of testers from the insurance firm SquareTrade Europe dropped "gadgets" (although only pricey tablets and smartphones appear to have made the list) from a great height and dunked them in water …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Feb 2014
Resident Evil zombie takeover

Apple in bid to turn MORE and MORE humans into iPhone-stroking fanbois

Apple's new sapphire glass production facility in Arizona will contain enough machinery to make 100 million iPhone screens, it has been claimed. It was estimated back in October last year that over 421 million iPhones have been sold since the product was launched in 2007. If the estimate about the new Arizona factory is correct …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Feb 2014
Tim Cook

Tim Cook dangles 'new product categories' carrot over $14bn Apple share buyback

Tim Cook has embarked on a massive $14bn share buyback in a bid to calm the nerves of tetchy Apple shareholders. Shares dropped by eight per cent last week after Apple announced its quarterly results, which predicted a a slow down in revenue this quarter. To reassure investors like Carl Icahn, who wants Apple to launch a $50bn …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Feb 2014
Steve Wozniak

Woz he talking about? Apple co-founder wants iPhones to run Android

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has infuriated fanbois everywhere after suggesting the fruity firm should start building Android iPhones. The corpulent Cupertinian said said he owned all three colours of the iPhone 5S, but would rather the fruity firm jettisoned iOS in favour of the other operating system. Fanbois lambasted the …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Feb 2014
Fawlty Towers

Apple cash stash dash results in Icahn v CalPERS bitchfight

Activist investor Carl Icahn has gone to war with the pensioners of California over his bid to get his grubby mitts on Apple's mammoth money pot. The moneyman wants Apple to launch a $50bn share buyback, which would give shareholders a profitable but brief payday. But the California Public Employees' Retirement System (CalPERS …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Feb 2014
Earthworm Jim

Android console on the way? Amazon slurps gamehaus Double Helix

Amazon has bought a video games studio called Double Helix, fuelling rumours that it will soon release its own branded console. The High Street Herod has already done its bit to hobble the book and record shop sectors. Now it may have its sights on putting the boot into former console kings Nintendo, or even trying to nibble …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Feb 2014
Bletchley Park's replica Turing Bombe

UK spooks STILL won't release Bletchley Park secrets 70 years on

Spooks are still withholding the vital codebreaking secrets of Bletchley Park some 70 years after its boffins first cracked the Nazis' encrypted transmissions. Even though Bletchley has not been an active military facility for more half a century, GCHQ is still refusing to release algorithms which were used to decode Second …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Feb 2014

How bad WAS the parking situation in Middelfart* in 2013?

The European Commission has flung £6m at a new digital archive for storing public and private sector data generated by European nations. Dubbed E-ARK, which stands for European Archival Records and Knowledge Preservation, the new system will set a "gold standard" for the hoarding of old and new information. E-ARK is a future- …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Feb 2014

DARPA hands IBM £3.4m to develop SELF DESTRUCTING CHIPS

The American miltary's mad boffin department DARPA has commissioned IBM to design microchips that can simply "vanish" after being used. After the embarrassment of special forces troops leaving behind a “stealth” helicopter during the US operation to kill Osama Bin Laden, America has a strong interest in making sure its tech …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Feb 2014

Turkish president mulls $4.5bn Apple fondleslab school deal

Apple boss Tim Cook will meet Turkish President Abdullah Gül tomorrow to discuss a mega deal which will equip 15 million kids with their very own state-sponsored fondleslab. The fruity führer will sit down with President Abdullah Gül, who is planning to spend $4.5bn on buying schoolchildren their own tablet computers. Cook's …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Feb 2014

London's King of Clamps shuts down numberplate camera site

The inventor of the much-hated London wheel clamp has shut down a website which advertised a automatic numberplate recognition system which he'd claimed was capable of spotting tax dodgers, disabled people and terrorists. Trevor Whitehouse voluntarily closed the site ANPRinabox.com after parking activists filed a complaint with …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Feb 2014
Double Facepalm; when one facepalm is not enough.

Super Bowl's SUPER BALLSUP: CBS broadcasts Wi-Fi password

The Super Bowl's security nerve centre was billed as a "secret, first of its kind" unit. But that claim was kicked into touch out of bounds after CBS accidentally screened the base's Wi-Fi password. CBS show This Morning was screening a report on the super strict security operation when the camera panned across the room to …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Feb 2014

Bletchley Park spat 'halts work on rare German cipher machine'

An engineer has claimed the war between the Bletchley Park Trust and the National Museum of Computing has prevented him from repairing one of the few WWII German cipher machines that remain in working order. On GreenKeys, a mailing list dedicated to the discussion of older radio teletype (RTTY) gear, engineer Craig Sawyers …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Feb 2014
Bletchley Park Manor House, photo: Gavin Clarke

Volunteers slam plans to turn Bletchley Park into 'geeky Disneyland'

Bletchley Park is planning to replace its volunteer tour guides with actors in a bid to turn the historical attraction into a "geeky Disneyland", The Register has learned. A number of people contacted The Reg after we wrote about the Bletchley Park Trust's decision to sack a pensioner after he showed visitors around the National …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jan 2014
Google Glass

Do you wear specs? Google Glass offers YOU amazing live HD video

Many critics believe Google Glass is a threatening technology which could enable film piracy, erode personal privacy and bring about an era where we spend all our time plugged into the matrix. But all of those valid concerns miss one basic point about the Chocolate Factory's wearable computer: it looks bloody ridiculous. Now …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jan 2014
Bletchley Park

Elderly Bletchley Park volunteer sacked for showing Colossus exhibit to visitors

It is a simmering conflict between two rival organisations over how Blighty's rich computing history should be preserved and showcased. Now the ongoing war between Bletchley Park and the National Museum of Computing has claimed its first casualties. Tony Carroll, an elderly volunteer at Bletchley Park, was fired after daring to …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jan 2014
Apple iPod Touch 5G

Apple declares war on PAYPAL: Pay-by-bonk + iTunes = profit, right?

Apple is planning to take on Paypal with its own mobile payment system, it has been claimed. According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, Eddy Cue, the man in charge of iTunes and the App Store, has been meeting with industry bigwigs to discuss using iDevices to handle payments for goods or service. It is understood that …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Jan 2014
Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak

Ancient video of Steve Jobs launching the first Apple Mac found

Long-lost footage of Steve Jobs launching the first Apple Macintosh in 1984 has been dug out of storage and shown in full for the first time in 30 years. The video shows the Apple godhead addressing the Boston Computer Club just days after his famous speech to shareholders at Cupertino. Time magazine journalist Harry McCracken …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Jan 2014
Back of iPhone 5

Apple plans to waggle iNormous 4½-incher in fanbois' faces

Apple is preparing to unveil a new iPhone with a larger screen, it has been claimed. Fruity sources suggested to the Wall Street Journal that the new phone will come in two models. The first will have a screen of 4½ inches (11.4cm) measured diagonally, and a second version will boast a display of up to 5 inches (12.7cm). The …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jan 2014
Back of iPhone 5

Apple: That 'white screen of death' nightmare? We'll fix it... AT SOME POINT

Apple has promised to fix the dreaded "white screen of death" bug that has caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth after causing fanbois' phones to crash. Ever since the release of the fruity firm's last mobiles, the iPhone 5C and 5S, the Apple forum has filled up with angry fanbois complaining that their mobes "randomly shut …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jan 2014
Artist's impression of Ceres

Herschel boffins spot fat dwarf Ceres in TEARS over astro-identity crisis

As every chubby kid will know, it's no fun being bigger than all the other children in the playground. So spare a thought for Ceres, the solar system's largest and roundest asteroid, which is so upset about being fat that it's crying watery tears way out in space. Boffins used Europe's infrared Herschel space telescope to peer …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jan 2014

Bing Maps COCKUP: Oracle UK HQ is 'Elvis Impersonators' joint

Microsoft have matched Apple in the cartographic cockup stakes after a series of risible errors on Bing Maps. A Reg reader wrote in to tell us that Oracle's UK HQ had been labelled "Elvis Impersonators UK & Worldwide". Microsoft's own UK base was dubbed "Thames Valley Park Nursery". Reader Martin wrote in with the tip. He …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jan 2014
A sapphire gemstone

Apple-aligned firm opens sapphire glass factory. iPhone 6 rumours, DEPLOY

Apple manufacturing partner GT Advanced has embarked on a hiring drive for its brand new sapphire-glass-producing iFactory. The fruity firm's friend will produce the "state of the art material" in Mesa, Arizona. GT sent around a postcard which announced that jobs were available at the production facility. It said: "Right now …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jan 2014
Vulture

Vultures circle to feast on carcass of free remote desktop service LogMeIn

A number of vulture firms have swooped in to feast on the desktop access carcass left by the death of LogMeIn's free service. El Reg was, frankly, shocked by the level of outrage yesterday after LogMeIn decided it would no longer allow techie types to use its service to access their desktops remotely for free. We received a …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jan 2014
iPad and iPad mini

HOT AIR-FILLED Apple fanbois SHUNNED iPad 2 at Xmas

Novelty-seeking Apple fanbois turned their backs on the iPad 2 in the run up to Xmas, heralding the imminent demise of the ancient legacy fondleslab. The fruity firm still sells the iPad 2, which costs about 20 per cent less than the super duper iPad Air, which is the latest model. According to a report from Consumer …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jan 2014
Sheep

Hey, Silk Road dealers: Looking for new life? Pay for a biz course with Bitcoin

A British university has become the first educational establishment in the world to allow its students to pay fees using Bitcoin. However, Cumbria University admitted it has no way of checking whether pupils had earned their virtual crypto currency by stealing, through botnets, by legitimate mining and trading, or via drug sales …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jan 2014
Roller shutter

LogMeIn: We're stopping our free offering from, errrm, NOW

Angry users of the free version of LogMeIn have reacted furiously to plans to turn the remote desktop access service into a paid subscription product. After 10 years of providing a free service, LogMeIn today announced that it would start charging people to use a new beefed-up version of its software. Starting from today, …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Jan 2014
Google Glass

Devs write 'film my shag' sex app for Google Glass

It's difficult to imagine anyone wanting to get down and dirty with a partner who would willingly wear Google Glass. Yet one group of app developers is betting that Glassholes not only manage to get lucky, but also have a partner willing to film the whole sordid affair. The Sex With Glass app was created at a Wearable Tech …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Jan 2014
Kim Dotcom at the NZ parliamentary hearing

Kim Dotcom shrugs off US extradition attempt with Spotify competitor

Kim Dotcom has unveiled a demo of his new streaming music service Baboom, which he hopes will knock iTunes and Spotify off the top of the digital hit parade. Based on the limited demo available, Baboom is as much as ego-tickler for the mega-sized Mega mogul as it is a bona fide music website. It appears to have various social …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Jan 2014

Apple hires medical techies, raises spectre of iStuff slurping data direct from your bloodstream

Apple has hired two new faces from the medical tech world as it steps up its drive to develop wearable iThings. The fruity firm poached Nancy Dougherty from startup Sano Intelligence, which is developing a patch sensor which can painlessly monitor the chemical makeup of a patient's bloodstream. This would be useful for diabetics …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Jan 2014
A Carbon Cult-approved toilet

Haribo gummy bears implicated in 'gastric exorcism'

It's a cutesy brand of sweet marked with the tagline "kids and grown-ups love it so". But the happy world of Haribo has suddenly clouded over after tiny ursine squishy figures of the sugar-free variety reportedly caused "gastric exorcism" in dozens of Amazon reviewers. More than 100 people wrote graphic descriptions of the …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Jan 2014
Bitcoins

Feds to flog off $28m in Bitcoin from Silk Road drug souk seizure

American officials are preparing to sell off $28m worth of Bitcoin which was seized during the operation to shut down the Silk Road online drugs market last year. In a statement, US prosecutor Preet Bharara announced the forfeiture of 29,655 Bitcoins. She said: "With today’s forfeiture of $28m worth of Bitcoins from the Silk …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jan 2014
Joanna Shields, former CEO of Tech City UK

Tech City UK boss legs it, dumps project in lap of BlackBerry exec

Joanna Shields has jacked in her £115,000 job as CEO of Tech City UK to join the London Stock Exchange Group. She will be replaced by Gerard Grech, who currently heads up global marketing at BlackBerry World. Shields was awarded an OBE last year for trying to turn Old Street Roundabout into a gleaming hub of tech …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jan 2014
Wii U

Ninten-DOH! Japanese giant slashes Wii U sales forecasts by 70%

It was once the king of consoles, but the formerly mighty Nintendo has been forced to admit that sales of its flagship Wii U are likely to flop. The Japanese firm has issued a grim profit warning in which it slashed its global Wii U sales forecast for 2014 by almost 70 per cent. Nintendo now expects to shift just 2.8 million …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jan 2014
T-Mobile Pulse

Pay-as-you-GONE: Help! T Mobile's swiped my phone credit – customers

T Mobile customers are baying for blood after a glitch wiped out their pay-as-you-go mobile credit. Dozens of people took to a message board of EE, the joint venture between Deutsche Telekom and Orange SA which runs T-Mobile, to express their rage after the outage rendered their mobes useless and cut of their access to the …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jan 2014
OSIRIS-REx asteroid sampling mission

SAY MY NAME, ALIEN SCUM. NASA to send 'you' into SPAAACE...

So you've always wanted to go to space, but don't want to die on Mars alongside a load of other explorers on a suicide mission? Now you can get part of the way there after NASA offered wannabe space travellers the chance to send their name up to the asteroid Bennu. The space agency's OSIRIS-REx mission will blast off in 2016 …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jan 2014
Peter Jones, Dragon's Den star

I'm in: Peter 'Dragons' Den' Jones launches bid to buy out Expansys

Dragons' Den star Peter Jones has launched a £6.1m takeover bid of his electronics retail firm Expansys. The entrepreneur made his move after increasing his share ownership in the AIM-listed firm from 41.4 percent to more than 50 per cent. Jones bought some 110.3 million shares to become the majority owner. This means that …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jan 2014

Apple fanbois make it 'official', hook up with Internet of Fridges Things

Apple has joined the Internet of Things after naming an air conditioning unit as the first fruity-certified smart appliance. The Chinese manufacturer Haier's Tianzun air conditioner has been granted MFi status, which has nothing to do with the defunct British DIY chain. Rather, it is Apple's certification programme for AirPlay …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jan 2014
Apple CEO Tim Cook, 2012

Apple CEO on China Mobile: 'World's best' mobe with world's, uh, 'largest network'

Apple CEO Tim Cook has used a rare television interview to hail a "milestone" deal with China Mobile which is expected to result in millions of extra iPhone sales in the People's Republic. He appeared alongside chairman Xi Guohua in a televised love-in to publicise the historic deal. Speaking in his folksy, down-at-home Alabama …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jan 2014

ZyXEL router attack: HUNDREDS of Brit biz bods knocked offline

Hackers have launched an internet attack which has hobbled the internet connections of at least 100 British businesses. An unknown group or individual thought to be based in the People's Republic used a SYN flood attack to attack the 600 and 660 models of router from Taiwanese firm ZyXEL. Sources at ZyXEL and the ISP MDNX …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jan 2014
Back of iPhone 5

Apple files foul-up-fixing patent for fumbling slab-fondling flubbers

Apple has filed a patent which will automatically filter out mistaken touchscreen commands made by clumsy slab-fondlers. The new patent can detect the movement of a person as they manipulate their iThing and then make changes to the GUI. The system can also learn the pattern of a fanbois' mistakes, meaning that when it detects …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jan 2014
Bill Gates

Tech titan Bill Gates: Polio-free India one of the 'most impressive accomplishments' ever

Bill Gates has claimed that getting involved in eradicating polio from India is not only his greatest achievement, but that the programme itself is one of the "most impressive accomplishments" in global health ever. The charity Gates runs with his wife donated $255m to Rotary International, which is one of the key partners in …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jan 2014