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Jasper Hamill

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Assange

Assange™: Hey world, I'M STILL HERE, ignore that Snowden guy

Head WikiLeaker Julian Assange™ has said he is planning to leave the Ecuadorian embassy "soon", but neglected to say exactly when. In a press conference arguably designed to satisfy Assange's need for global attention more than the world media's thirst for clues about his future plans, the WikiLeaks founder dodged questions on …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014

Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!

One in four Brits have admitted to splurging too much cash during drunken shopping sprees online, according to a new survey. Insurance website Confused.com commissioned a research outfit to quiz 2,000 people in the UK about their booze-charged spending habits on the interwebs. The survey found some 24 per cent of the good folk …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014

YES YES YES! Apple patents mousy, pressure-sensing iVibrator

Apple has been granted a patent for a vibrating mouse which will respond to fanbois' hamfisted affections using advanced pressure sensing technology. Sadly, the "Force Sensing Mouse" will not turn Appleytes into Jedi knights, but it may allow them to navigate their computers into hitherto unfamiliar ways. Currently, the Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Intel teams up with rap chap 50 Cent on heartbeat headphones

The rapper 50 Cent has hooked up with Intel to get his headphone firm making kit for the health-tech wearables set. The pair plan to produce a set of cans which monitor vital stats at the same time as bombarding fit folks' ear drums. Following in the footsteps of the music producer turned Apple employee who self-identifies as " …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Premier League wants to PURGE ALL FOOTIE GIFs from social media

The English Premier League is working to design new software which will stop piratical football fans uploading footage of goals to Vine or social media. It has apologised for being a "killjoy" after warning fans that spaffing images of goals all over the internet is a breach of copyright. Now it is developing software to search …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014
Spam

New voting rules leave innocent Brits at risk of SPAM TSUNAMI

Changes to the electoral registration system have sparked fears that Britons are about to be swamped by a tsunami of unwanted spam from companies that harvest and sell on citizens' personal data. The Register has learned that a number of councils across the UK have not properly informed residents how to enter their details on …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people

Boffins have overturned the wisdom of parents everywhere by proving that stinky people with tattoos can play a vital role in society: by charging up mobile phones. Dr Joseph Wang and a team at UC San Diego have designed a temporary tattoo which acts as a sensor which contains an enzyme that strips electrons from lactate, …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014
Students using MacBooks in a lecture hall

A-level results: Before you smile at that jump-for-joy snap...

Traditionally, newspapers illustrate A-Level results day with pictures of attractive teens in mid-air. But soon it could be lank-haired, bespectacled nerds that are performing the vault of victory following news that students are flocking to tech-focused courses. Today is the day where pretty young things and their uglier, off- …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Aug 2014
money trap conceptual illustration

Dodgy payday loan ads make up 83% of cases probed by UK's FCA

The majority of cases under investigation by the Financial Conduct Authority now involve online adverts for "cheap" credit services, the regulator has said. Some 80 per cent of the cases it has launched in the past four months involve firms that offer financial products over the internet or through mobile phones. All in all, …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Aug 2014
Yesterday's launch of the TerreStar 1 satellite. Pic: ESA

Just when you thought you were alone in the bath: Hi-res mapping satellite ready for launch

An American firm is preparing to launch a satellite which will map the world in a higher resolution than the public has ever seen before. Tomorrow, DigitalGlobe expects to send its WorldView-3 satellite into orbit, where it will begin sending images of objects as small as 30cm in size. It will zoom up to space from Vandenberg …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Aug 2014
Neil and Anita's fried breakfast on Saturday

Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty

As world events point increasingly to a nasty and very imminent end, the good of folk of Blighty are now thinking: bugger it, why don't I eat a fat boy fried breakfast rather than the poncy muesli my Californian chums subsist on? New stats have revealed that the English breakfast is surging in popularity. At least, that's (sort …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Aug 2014

Yosemite Siri? Apple might plonk chatty assistant on your desktop - report

A newly granted patent has revealed Apple's plans to free its mobile assistant Siri from the iPhone and unleash it upon desktops. In a lengthy patent entitled "Intelligent digital assistant in a desktop environment", the fruity firm outlined its plans to get fanbois talking to their computers. To activate the desktop Siri, …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Aug 2014

Facebook slurps PrivateCore - 'cos your selfies need locking up

Facebook has just bought out the security firm PrivateCore in a bid to keep your selfies that little bit safer. Although the exact terms of the deal have not been publicly announced, Facebook has promised to incorporate the smaller firm's tech into its own stacks. Joe Sullivan, Facebook’s chief security officer, said: "I’ve …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Aug 2014
Sheep

Gov.uk's broadband boast: Superfast fibre piped to 1 million Brits

More than one million British people now have access to high speed broadband as Westminster's plan to deliver access to "superfast" speeds to 95 per cent of the UK by 2017 gathers pace. Some 40,000 people are being handed the keys to a speedier internet every single week, the government has announced. Some £1.7bn will be spent …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Aug 2014

Ex-Apple man Sam Sung - for it is he - sticks namebadge on eBay

Life must have been pretty tough as the only Apple employee named after the fruity firm's arch enemy. But don't feel too bad for Sam Sung of Vancouver, Canada, because he's set to make a small fortune simply by selling his Apple name badge. Auctioning my old Apple Sam Sung business card on eBay for charity http://t.co/ …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Aug 2014

London cops cuff 20-year-old man for unblocking blocked websites

City of London cops have ventured outside the M25 to cuff a suspect in Nottingham under the suspicion that he runs a "proxy server" which allows users to access 36 verboten sites. Officers from City Police's Intellectual Property Crime Unit (PIPCU) said they'd arrested and questioned a 20-year-old man suspected of running an " …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014
Dixons Carphone Warehouse

Newly spawned Dixons Carphone leaps onto LSE as £12bn sales org

The shotgun wedding between hard-pressed consumer biz Dixons Retail and Carphone Warehouse was consummated today as the £12bn turnover borg started trading on the London Stock Exchange. The merger between Dixons Retail, owner of Currys and PC World, and Carphone Warehouse was first announced back in May. Dixons Carphone - …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014

Brit kids match 45-year-old fogies' tech skill level by the age of 6

The British children of today – who have rarely heard the chirping of a dial-up connection – have matched middle-aged folks' tech ability by the age of six, new Ofcom research has claimed. A report (PDF) produced by Blighty's communications regulator has sketched a topsy-turvy image of connected Britain, where kids are way more …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014
Spam

This is your chance to help Blighty beat off moneymen's spambots

It used to be said that age knows no class. Perhaps the same can now be said of spam advertising. Some annoying message or other must have reached the gilded timeline of someone at the Financial Conduct Authority, because it has launched a bid to clamp down on the uniquely irritating social media promotions industry – at least …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014
Kung Fu Rider

China rips Apple out of govt IT mail-order catalogue – report

Apple's most popular products are set to vanish from Chinese officials' boardrooms after the People's Republic reportedly struck them off the official procurement list. Ten gizmos including the iPad, iPad Mini, MacBook Air and MacBook Pro can no longer be purchased for use by the Chinese state bureaucracy, Bloomberg reported …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Aug 2014
Telephone

BT FON fail: Telco CHARGES customers for FREE Wi-Fi usage

Telecoms giant BT has admitted charging a number of customers for the traffic racked up by its FON services, which uses a portion of each customer's Wi-Fi connection to provide hotspots accessible to the public. A few weeks ago The Register reported that bungling cops in the grim north of England didn't understand the idea …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Aug 2014

Robot snaps on yellow RUBBER GLOVES, preps to invade Canada

Most right-minded humans are nervous that robots might one day decide to wipe us all off the face of the planet. But might the flesh-and-blood creatures be a threat to the silicon species? That's the question posed by the creators of a new mechanised hitch-hiker, which is set to travel from coast to coast across Canada on a …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Aug 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Surfing the web from Android? We KNEW it – sorry, iOS fanbois

Google's Android has slipped past Apple's iOS to become the top mobile operating system for the first time, in terms of online usage. Figures from Net Marketshare show that devices powered by Android were detected browsing the web more than iPhones, iPads, and iPod Touch devices running iOS throughout July 2014. Net Marketshare …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Aug 2014
Bus jam

EE rolls out London bus pay-by-bonk app – only fandoids need apply

Riding a London bus is about as pleasurable as trying to saddle a twitchy rhino that has decided to charge at the slightest perceived threat. But the business of bus-based travelling through an ancient city designed with horse and cart in mind might be set to get a teeny bit easier - at least for EE customers with NFC-enabled …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Aug 2014

END your Macbook SHAME: Convert it into a Microsoft SURFACE

So you've spent well over a grand on a new Macbook Pro. How do you fancy spending even more than that amount, all over again, to mod your laptop so it resembles a, er, Microsoft Surface? Judging by the the cult-like Apple worship practised by covens of fanbois and gurlz, we'd reckon that few people would take up the offer of …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Aug 2014

Apple's iWatch may be DELAYED over sapphire glass supply problems

Problems with Apple's sapphire glass supply chain could mean the Apple iWatch will only be released in small numbers this year, Apple analyst Ming-Chi Kuo has predicted. The latest leaked note from the respected KGI Securities bod has claimed that production of the iWatch will be moved back September to November. Kuo also …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Aug 2014
Human fist before and after a punch

REGULAR FISTING is GOOD for your HEALTH, says respected surveyor

In the 21st Century it seems there are more ways to shake hands than there are Facebook gender categories (which number 56, if you're wondering). So what's an Englishman to do when faced with this breakdown of traditional decorum? Boffins at Aberystwyth University have suggested you make like Ali G and master the art of the fist …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Aug 2014
Tesla Sport

Tesla and Panasonic to build NOT-SO-SECRET GigaFactory in US

Tesla has signed a deal with Panasonic which will see both firms collaborate on the construction of one of the world's biggest battery factory. The GigaFactory, as it's been called, will build lithium-ion batteries to satisfy an anticipated boom in demand for electric vehicles. Tesla hopes that the GigaFactory – located in Reno …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Jul 2014
Apple MacBook Air 11-inch 2013

POW! Apple smites Macbook Air EFI firmware update borkage

Apple has released an urgent fix for a problem that temporarily bricked a number of fanbois' Macbooks. Apple customers wailed last week after an update hobbled some users' machines. People using Macbook Airs from mid 2011 claimed the update wrought havoc on their pride and joy, turning that expensive silver machine into a …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Jul 2014

Bloodthirsty Apple fanbois TEAR OPEN new Macbook, bare its guts to world+dog

An Apple upgrade outfitter has exposed the new Macbook Retina to the world, cracking it open for a teardown just days after its release. The new Macbook surged from Cupertino like an avenging spirit last week, surprising almost no one with its promise of slightly improved performance. Now the first brave soul has attacked it …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jul 2014

SOULLESS machine-intelligence ROBOT cars to hit Blighty in 2015

Robotic cars are set to prowl the streets of Britain by next January without human supervision – as Westminster prepares new rules to allow autonomous vehicles on the public highways of this sceptr'd isle. Today, driverless cars are only allowed to travel on private roads. New laws will allow them out to motor across the streets …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jul 2014

Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?

For many people in the world, 600 quid is a lot to spend on a phone. But for some, it's way too little. So at last, a firm called Brikk has offered the 0.01 per cent a way to get their fruity fix while still hammering home the message they are considerably richer than you. For those with a spare £4,955 ($8,400), they've made …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jul 2014

Warm, perhaps ALIEN LIFE-bearing water gushers FOUND ON MOON of Saturn

Boffins have now counted 101 different geysers spewing material from the surface of Enceladus, one of Saturn's icy moons. The discovery in data collected from NASA's Cassini probe reinforces the theory that a vast ocean is sloshing about beneath the cold surface. Some consider this to be the most promising location known for …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
Mozilla's new CEO Chris Beard

Mozilla: We're keeping the Beard – Brendan Eich successor now permanent pick

Firefox-maker Mozilla has made Chris Beard's CEO role permanent. Beard had been interim chief when anti-gay-marriage JavaScript inventor and Mozilla.org co-founder Brendan Eich vacated the role in April. In a blog post, Mozilla said: "Over the years, Chris has led many of Mozilla’s most innovative projects. We have relied on his …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
Hitachi glass storage

Apple 'sapphire glass' fronts for iPhone 6? It's NEWS to SUPPLIERS

Several Apple analysts have speculated over the past few months that the next iPhone and perhaps even the near-mythical iWatch will use super-tough sapphire glass in some capacity. But that claim has been thrown into question after the industrial analysis firm TrendForce claimed a tiny issue – not actually having the sapphire …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014

Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

You've heard of the tiger that came to tea, but what about the leopard that came to lessons? That's exactly what techies-in-training at the Indian Institute of Technology in Bombay had to deal with when a big cat invaded their campus. After a leopard was spotted by the metallurgy department last week, the local forestry …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
Dr Dre Beats Solo

Forgot About Dre? Not us. Euro bods give nod to Apple and Beats deal

The European Commission has given its official blessing to the $3bn acquisition by Apple of headphone manufacturer Beats. After considering whether the link-up fitted in with merger regulations, the antitrust regulators decided the two firms were sufficiently different that there was no concerns about competition. In a …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0

Russia: There is a SPACECRAFT full of LIZARDS in orbit above Earth and WE control it

It's all systems gecko up in space, after the Russians finally regained control of a spacecraft packed full of horny lizards. The world's eyes anxiously turned towards Russia last Friday as it was revealed its space scientists had lost control of the satellite Foton-M4, which was on a mission to shoot the world's first zero- …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014

Swell. Apple buys 'Pandora-for-talk-radio' app... for $30 meeellion

Can you hear that message crackling over the airwaves? No? Perhaps you need to stop using that rusty old radio and replace it with a gleaming iThing from Apple. That could be an option soon if rumours that Apple is preparing to buy "Pandora-for-talk-radio" service Swell are to be believed. The fruity firm is thought to have …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
Scotland

'Blow it up': Plods pop round for chat with Commonwealth Games tweeter

Blundering Scottish cops have interrogated a prolific tweeter hours after he tweeted a few innocent comments about the Commonwealth Games. Neil Cooper, who tweets under the handle @DasBomber, wrote a number of tweets during the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games week that appeared to attract the attentions of the lawmen …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
Siats eating an iguanodontian and intimidating early, small-bodied tyrannosauroids.

Asteroid's DINO KILLING SPREE just bad luck – boffins

The dinosaurs would have survived the asteroid that smashed into Earth and wiped them all out had it not been for the rather poor – from their point of view – timing with which it arrived. The demise of these scaly – or indeed, even feathery – overlords may not have happened if the space rock hit a few million years later or …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0

Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!

Russian boffins have lost control of a satellite containing sex-crazed geckos - like there's any other kind - sent on a mission to hold a zero gravity orgy. By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0 Not the gecko who went aboard the Foton-M4...This is one Phelsuma madagascariensis from Madagascar. Pic by Frank Wouters, licensed …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014

Pinterest diversity stats: Also pale and male (but not as much as Twitter)

Pinterest is generally used to store images of polka dot knickers, cute animals and bags of artisan pear drops. What might come as a shock to its users is that Pinterest is actually run by the same “stale, pale and male” clique often seen at the rudder of other big Silicon Valley. The latest tech firm to release its diversity …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Jul 2014
The White House according to Google Maps

Apple smacked with privacy sueball over Location Services

A woman has brought a class-action lawsuit for "invasion of privacy" against Apple over claims surrounding the firm's use of Location Services to track iPhone users and store data on their movements. The class action suit was filed by a consumer named Chen Ma on behalf of an estimated 100 million affected users. She wants Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Jul 2014

Cyber-robbers hack European Central Bank's... website

The European Central Bank has written to 20,000 people to warn them their personal data may have been stolen during a huge cyber-heist. ECB said crooks had attempted to extort money from the bank after hacking into a database containing email addresses, phone numbers and addresses of people who had registered to attend events. …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jul 2014

Internet of Stuff my Pockets: Investors plough 1 BEELLION dollars into IoT

The "internet of things" – the rebranding of good old machine-to-machine comms – has investors chucking ludicrous amounts of cash at firms who hope to get our gadgets talking to each other. Now new research from analyst StrategyEye has found that investors have bunged more than $1bn at companies associated with the internet of …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jul 2014
Elephant

SMELL YOU LATER, LOSERS – Dumbo tells rats, dogs... humans

Few people can fail to notice that an elephant's appendage is way bigger than a dog's, but it may come as more surprise that it can use it better too. Boffins have named elephants as the top sniffers in the animal kingdom, possessing twice as many functional olfactory receptors (ORs) genes as hounds. ORs help organisms detect …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jul 2014

FRIKKIN' LASERS could REPLACE fibre-optic comms cables

You may think that a waveguide is something issued to junior members of the royal family ahead of their first pomp parade through London. But it's actually a new communications technique that makes the air behave like a fibre-optic cable. Howard Milchberg, professor of physics and electrical and computer engineering at the …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014

Apple fanbois SCREAM as update BRICKS their Macbook Airs

Apple fanbois have erupted in rage after an update bricked their Macbook Airs. On the official Apple support forum, dozens of angry customers claimed that the latest software update for the 2011 Macbook Air had gone horribly wrong. Some posters said their Airs had been totally borked by the update, while others reported …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

Yorkshire cops fail to grasp principle behind BT Fon Wi-Fi network

Bungling cops in Yorkshire have called upon householders to lock down their Wi-Fi after mistaking a free hotspot user for a piggybacking connection thief. A Reg reader from Heckmondwike claims that a local busybody called the police after seeing him access the internet using BT's Fon service, which allows customers to access …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014