Jasper Hamill

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Christian Bale is Steve Jobs

iBail: American Psycho actor Christian Bale rejects Steve Jobs role

Batman Begins actor Christian Bale has declined the opportunity to channel the spirit of Steve Jobs and will no longer star in a biopic about the erstwhile Apple supremo. The film has been hit by personnel troubles ever since its inception. Bale is the second high-profile thesp to change his mind about playing the fruity fuhrer …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014

Secrets in Seattle: Apple opening base on Microsoft's doorstep

Apple is hatching plans to open a mysterious engineering facility in Seattle, the home of its sworn blood-rival Microsoft. The fruity firm has posted a number of job adverts looking for software engineers in the city. An Apple apparatchik confirmed the presence of the new office, but declined to say how many people worked there …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014
Apple-1

Got a spare $600k? Then an ancient Apple-1 could be yours

It's clapped-out and so under-specced that sending even the briefest of tweets is impossible. But that won't stop some super rich collector from paying $600,000 for an Apple-1 computer signed by the Cupertino Godhead himself, Steve Jobs. The pre-Mac was built in Jobs' garage before being sold to Charles Ricketts. According to …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014

European SPACEMAN exposes EERIE snaps of ISS in Twitter feed

An astronaut has posted a series of eerie images showing the International Space Station after nightfall. Entitled "Spooky Space Station", the creepy shots show the claustrophobia and isolation of life in orbit. They were taken by the German ESA astronaut Alexander Gerst, who is taking part in a six-month mission called Blue …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014
Apple Watch

Apple Watch buyers will feel 'different' after being 'serviced' in spring 2015

What will you be buying your loved one for Valentine's Day next year? Not an Apple Watch, it seems, as this much-anticipated gizmo is now set to be released in the spring of 2015. Apple retail supremo Angela Ahrendts revealed the timing of the release in a leaked video message. In a rather saucy-sounding missive, the former …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014
Cybermen in Dark Water

BBC clamps down on ILLICIT iPlayer watchers

A gang of British licence fee payers have grabbed their virtual pitchforks and marched on the Beeb in protest against its decision to ban iPlayer RSS feeds. The changes are designed to stop naughty viewers from using third-party clients to watch the Beeb. Several Register readers have contacted us and complained about the …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014

Trolls pop malformed heads above bridge to sling abuse at Tim Cook

Apple boss Tim Cook has been bombarded with homophobic abuse after revealing his sexuality to the world on Thursday. Cook spoke out yesterday to say he considered "being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me". Trolls, religious nuts and plain old homophobes from the four corners of the internet immediately took to …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

DR LIPS warns: DON'T KISS that NEWT - it's got FLESH-EATING PLAGUE

Planning to snog a frog, a newt or a salamander and turn it into Prince Charming? Well, think again, princess, because a deadly skin-eating fungus is wiping them out across the world. The deadly fungus is called Batrachochytrium salamandrivorans and has already devastated wild populations of fire salamanders in the Netherlands …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

So long, thanks for all the ...er, FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Smug humans tend to think fish are the stupidest of all beasties. But that belief has turned out to be a load of barnacles after boffins revealed the true intellect of our fishy friends. Researchers from the University of Bath joined forces with London's Queen Mary University to work out how zebrafish perceive their deep sea …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

NHS quango fatcats spend £2m tax dosh on iPads and iPhones

Government health chiefs have admitted to spending millions of pounds furnishing bureaucrats with Apple iPhones and fondleslabs. Taxpayers forked out more than £2m to buy iThings for the staff of NHS non-departmental public bodies, which are arms-length government organisations more commonly known as quangos. Dr Daniel Poulter …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014
alertme review energy meter monitor

UK smart meters arrive in 2020. Hackers have ALREADY found a flaw

British consumers could easily hack into controversial new smart meters, allowing them to illegally slash their energy bills, cyber-security experts have warned. The caution came as top White Hall apparatchiks met with energy industry leaders today to discuss plans that will see the the devices installed in every British home by …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014
Apple CEO Tim Cook, 2012

Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'

Apple bossman Tim Cook has come out as gay and has vowed to spend the rest of his life helping to "pave the sunlit path" towards equality and justice. Up until now, Cook's sexuality wasn't so much a secret as an unmentioned truth. He has frequently joined Pride marches and spoken openly about the mistreatment faced by gay people …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014

China set to be buried under mountain of surplus robots, warns biz chap

China has been warned of an approaching robot bubble fuelled by Beijing's desire to massively overdevelop the internal automation market. Worried by sluggish growth and ominous warnings of an imminent slowdown, the Chinese state wants to build an army of robotic workers. It plans to create five robotics "champion" firms which …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014

Lawyers mobilise angry mob against Apple over alleged 2011 Macbook Pro crapness

A legal firm has launched a class action against Apple over claims the 2011 MacBook Pro suffered from "random bouts of graphical distortion, system instability and system failures". In the legal complaint, the plaintiffs said the "computer was described by many as a dud and defective from inception". The laptops in question …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

PEAK APPLE: iOS 8 is least popular Cupertino mobile OS in all of HUMAN HISTORY

Half of all fanbois and gurlz have finally installed iOS 8 on their iThings, hammering home the point that Apple's new mobile operating system is much less popular than previous versions. A glance at the Apple developer support page reveals that 52 percent of users have now installed iOS 8 on their iPhone or fondleslab, which …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Apple iPad Air 2

Apple spent just ONE DOLLAR beefing up the latest iPad Air 2

New iPad Air 2 components cost Apple just one dollar more than the previous model, according to the teardown bods at IHS. The no-frills 16 gigabyte Wi-Fi flavour of fruity fondleslab reportedly costs Apple about $275 (about £167), compared to $274 for the first iPad Air. Seeing as the iPad sells for just under £400, this would …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014

Apple to PROTECT YOU from dreaded TROUSER EXPLOSIONS

Apple has patented a fireproof material that could finally banish the misery of mobile phone trouser explosions. All too often, mobes can go pop in a person's pocket, causing hideous burns and ruining a perfectly good pair of trousers to boot. Now Apple has decided to step in and make sure that fanbois' nether regions are safe …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth

A Scottish distillery is celebrating the return of the first ever space-matured batch of whisky. Back in 2011, the Islay-based Ardbeg distillery sent several vials of whisky to the International Space Station, where they were spun around the earth at 17,227 mph, orbiting 15 times a day for almost three years. The astronauts up …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Even a broken watch is right twice a day: Not an un-charged Apple Watch

The Apple Watch will require daily charging thanks to its poor battery life, Apple CEO Tim Cook has admitted. The daily maintenance is reminiscent of the bad old days when timepieces needed to be wound up to keep them ticking. Speaking at a live Q+A, the Apple boss said: "We think people are going to use it so much you will end …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

Caption this: CERN needs pic tags. Serious answers only, kids

The super bright minds at CERN have unearthed a massive cache of old photos - and they need your help working out what on earth is going on in some of them. During the first 50 years of its existence, CERN amassed about 250,000 analogue photographs. Some unlucky archivist has been given the job of digitising 120,000 from the …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

HUGE SHARK as big as a WWII SUBMARINE died out, allowing whales to exist

It was the largest shark ever seen on Planet Earth - the size of some World War II combat submarines - but until now no-one really knew whether a stray Megalodon was still lurking somewhere out there in the ocean. But finally swimmers can rest easy today - on this score at least, there are still plenty of regular sharks about - …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Malware

Painfully trendy: Someone just spent $200k on ebola.com

Anyone looking to cash in on the zeitgeist by buying the domain name ebola.com has left it too late, because the domain name has sold for more than $200,000. A Russian firm called Weed Growth Fund has snapped up this on-trend online home, according to an SEC filing. The Russian-registered company that now owns ebola.com paid $ …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Newton MessagePad 120 - logo

Now: The REAL APPLE NEWS you need to know

Apple Watch? Bah humbug. Bonk to pay? Boring. So what's the real Apple news today, you ask? Well, the birthplace of one of world's most famous pieces of fruit is up for a prestigious award. No, not the garage where Steve Jobs smoked joints and watched Woz the Great and Powerful build the first ever Apple computers. We're …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014

UNCHAINING DEMONS which might DESTROY HUMANITY: Musk on AI

Electro-car kingpin and spacecraft mogul Elon Musk has warned that meddling with Artificial Intelligence risks "summoning the demon" that could destroy humanity. The Musky motor trader is terrified that humanity will end up creating a synthetic monster that we cannot control. And no, the SpaceX billionaire didn't warn us about …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Alun Taylor dons Google tech specs Google Glass

Google Glassholes are UNDATEABLE – HP exec

Hoping to woo the ladies with your shiny new Google Glass? Don't bother, because no woman in her right mind would let a Glasshole anywhere near her data centre, an HP bigwig has claimed. Ray Edwards, managing director for HP’s New Ventures division at Network Portfolio and Architecture, reportedly slammed the sex appeal of …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014
Woman puts hand in camera lens. Pic: Steve Purkiss

DOUBLE BONK: Fanbois catch Apple Pay picking pockets

Tim Cook's dream of bonk-to-pay global domination has taken a serious battering after customers using the new Apple Pay system were double charged. Fanbois took to Reddit and Twitter after finding their Apple Pay transactions had been duplicated. Apple said it was aware of "a Bank of America issue impacting a very small number …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014

Zuckerberg bombshell: Man married to Chinese woman speaks Chinese in China

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg shocked a Chinese audience with his mastery of Mandarin – a language that's as difficult to master as his website's privacy settings. The advertising kingpin was speaking at Tsinghua University in China, where he stunned attendees by ditching English and speaking in Mandarin for more than half an …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Chinese hackers slurp iCloud passwords, Apple's CEO jumps into his jet for China

Apple boss Tim Cook has met top Chinese officials following a major attack on the security of the iCloud website – an assault that some security analysts have blamed on Beijing. Cook was snapped in full demon headmaster mode heading into a pow-wow with Vice Premier Ma Kai. According to the Xinhua news agency, the issues of " …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Oct 2014
Kit

Really... an iKeyfob? Apple continues war on fanbois' pockets

Apple has been granted a patent for an iKeyfob capable of unlocking doors, starting the engine and turning your car into a less good version of KITT from Knight Rider. Serving as a kind of car controller, the patented device works in conjunction with iPhones or other mobile devices and also performs as an in-car gizmo using …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Oct 2014
Slide from Tim Cook's presentation at the Apple product roll-out event of October 22, 2013, indicating Apple's single-minded focus

Yes, yes, Steve Jobs. Look what I'VE done for you lately – Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook has written to his employees to tell them that the past few quarters have been the most successful in the company's history. To the faithful, only the golden age of Steve Jobs can be described in such terms. But even though he's failed to release an exciting new product range since the first fruity fuhrer was …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Oct 2014

Satya Nadella's $84.3m pay packet: Did he use the 'female superpower' to get it?

Satya Nadella famously told women to not bother asking for pay rises, which now looks a bit rich after Microsoft revealed his $83.4m pay packet. After all, what would you know about asking for a raise when your pay packet is more already than the combined wages of 800 Microsoft minions? Redmond announced its great leader's …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Oct 2014

Routine WHAT NOW? Bank of England’s CHAPS payment system goes TITSUP

The CHAPS system used to handle most bank-to-bank transfers in the UK has collapsed, with all mortgage payments currently on pause. We were told that the problem was due to an update over the weekend, when the details of new CHAPS users were being added and old ones removed. This is meant to be a routine operation, but a glitch …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Oct 2014
Image two from the patent document

Hey, iPhone 6 fanbois: Apple's bonk to 'Pay' app IS GO

Apple will open up its new bonk-to-pay system to its newest phones, the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus, today, allowing fanbois to bonk shiny-shinys to purchase stuff online or at 220,000 stores. However, non-Americans need not cut up their cards just yet, because Apple Pay is only available Stateside and it is unclear when it will …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Oct 2014
Use google.com button

SCREW YOU, EU: BBC rolls out Right To Remember as Google deletes links

The BBC will publish a summary of articles removed from Google search rankings under the infamous "right to be forgotten" rules. At a public meeting, the Beeb's editorial policy chief, David Jordan, said the public also had a "right to remember". A ruling by the European Court of Justice in May ordered Google to remove links …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Screenshot of Twitter outage error message

#Help. There's a STRANGER in my Twitter timeline

Twitter has admitted to fiddling with users' timelines, sparking the sort of social media backlash which is fast becoming a wearying fixture of modern life. The chirpy chaps of Twitter claimed the "spirit of experimentation" made them decide to wodge unwanted tweets in users' feeds. Seeing stuff from people you don't follow …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

iPhone 6 shunned by fanbois in Apple's GREAT FAIL of CHINA

The belated Chinese launch of the iPhone 6 appears to have been a total flop after just 100 people queued outside a flagship store to buy the new mobe. In most parts of the world, the launch of a new Apple iPhone causes a level of fanboi hysteria that is more like a One Direction concert than a consumer technology launch. But …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
EE local coverage

It's even GRIMMER up North after MEGA SKY BROADBAND OUTAGE

Life in the famously grim north of England became even more appalling today following a massive Sky broadband outage. Sky's service via a number of exchanges across the North West has collapsed, crippling broadband connections for customers living in the badlands surrounding Manchester and Liverpool. The provider said the issue …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Panic button on keyboard

Disaster roster: OMG, are YOU SAFE? I dunno. Check Facebook

Your loved one has been kidnapped and is about to be killed by a horde of barbaric jihadis. What do you do? Click the "like" button, obviously. That bizarre situation could soon be one of the ways in which feckless Facebookers respond to disaster after the social network unveiled its new "safety check" feature. According to …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014
will.i.am named Intel 'director of creative innovation'

Will.i.am gets CUFFED as he announces his new wristjob, the PULS

Rapper and business mogul Will.i.am has announced plans to release a new piece of wrist-based, wearable technology. Bearing the semi-eponymous name i.amPULS, it will allow the wearer to make calls without using a mobile phone. The diminutive colossus of pop appeared at a distinctly unglamorous Salesforce conference in San …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014
A rescued joey

Prehistoric swingbelly KANGAROOS were TOO FAT to jump – scientists

It's certainly Australia's iconic animal, yet boffins have claimed the kangaroo hasn't always performed its most famous trick: hopping. Once upon a time, the Skippy the Bush Kangaroo's ancestors may not have actually bounded along, instead favouring a gait akin to a drunken human. "At best, they'd have been really clumsy …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014

I didn't invent Bitcoin! Send Bitcoin to help me fight this slur – Dorian Nakamoto

The elderly man Newsweek claimed was the inventor of Bitcoin has launched a legal battle against the publication – and he wants you to help pay for it. In March this year, Newsweek published a cover story titled "The Face of Bitcoin" which named Dorian Nakamoto as the inventor of the digital funny money. Now he's raising money …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
flames_fire_destruction

PANTS on FIRE? Too late for you. But others will benefit from singed trouser phone alert

Boffins at Stanford University have invented a system which could banish the dreaded trouser fire to the annals of tech history. Regular readers of The Reg will know that the batteries used in mobile phones have a horrible tendency to blow up at inopportune moments. Whether it's an iPad Nano going kaboom in Japan, a Swiss woman …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

Apple's new 'iPad Air 2' sliced open, revealing (possible) A8X core

Cruel Apple fans have exposed the innards of what they claim is the forthcoming iPad Air 2, giving the world a glimpse of what could be the most intimate parts of a slab millions will soon be fondling. The rabid fanbois who run a Taiwanese site called Apple Club have posted pictures purportedly showing the rudest parts of the …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Nokia sign dismantled, with letters rearranged to spell 'ONKIA'

Finnish PM: Apple has DESTROYED FINLAND

The Prime Minister of Finland has claimed that Apple destroyed his country's biggest industry: mobile phone manufacturing. As if that wasn't bad enough, Alexander Stubb went on to say that Cupertino had also annihilated the paper-making industry, which was his nation's other pride and joy. However, a leading Finnish analyst has …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

Apple's iPhone bonk to 'Pay' app launches on Monday

Update Cupertino's plans to dominate the world of pay-by-bonk have been exposed following the leak of what appears to be a TOP-SECRET Apple Pay training manual. All Apple staffers will apparently take part in an hour's training on the new bonk-to-pay system, which is expected to be launched later this month following an event on 16 …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014
Photo of Jonathan Ive

Xiaomi boss snaps back at Jony Ive's iPhone rival 'theft' swipe

The boss of Chinese Android mobile firm, Xiaomi, has smacked back at Apple designer Jony Ive's remarks about "iPhone-inspired" smartphones, telling him to try the phones before he slags them off. Lin Bin wants Ive sent to the sin bin after he appeared to claim that Xiaomi had nicked Apple's mobe designs. "Xiaomi is a very open …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014

Here's your chance to buy an ancient, working APPLE ONE

Woz it the gambling habit that crippled your finances? Or Woz it the fact you spent hundreds of thousands of quid on an ancient Apple computer that can't even send a tweet? If it Woz the latter, at least you'll be able to tell your wife, accountant or mummy that you've snapped up a bit of history at the same time as ridding …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014
ipod u2 edition

U2? 81 million Apple iThing-strokers know a place where the Beats have no shame

Some might say that being on the cover of Vogue is pretty cool. But when Apple foisted U2's latest album on 81 million innocent people? Quite the opposite. Apple has told the music bible Billboard that some 81 million people took the chance to "experience" Songs Of Innocence, with 26 million downloading the thing in its entirety …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014

Trolls have DARK TETRAD of personality defects, say trickcyclists

Are you a fan of "everyday sadism"? Then you might just be a troll, according to the boffins responsible for a study which looked into the habits of these comment thread Caligulas. In a study called "Trolls Just Want To Have Fun", eggheads from the University of Manitoba asked 1,200 online trolls what they like doing best. …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

No one wants iOS 8 because it's for NERDS - dev

The world doesn't seem to want to download the latest version of iOS because it's a "nerd release", an Apple developer has claimed. For all of those who think a nerd's release generally involves five hours on World of Warcraft followed by 30 seconds on Pornhub, think again. Developer Andrew Clark claimed that only super-fanbois …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014