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Jasper Hamill

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Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

PEAK APPLE: iOS 8 is least popular Cupertino mobile OS in all of HUMAN HISTORY

Half of all fanbois and gurlz have finally installed iOS 8 on their iThings, hammering home the point that Apple's new mobile operating system is much less popular than previous versions. A glance at the Apple developer support page reveals that 52 percent of users have now installed iOS 8 on their iPhone or fondleslab, which …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Apple iPad Air 2

Apple spent just ONE DOLLAR beefing up the latest iPad Air 2

New iPad Air 2 components cost Apple just one dollar more than the previous model, according to the teardown bods at IHS. The no-frills 16 gigabyte Wi-Fi flavour of fruity fondleslab reportedly costs Apple about $275 (about £167), compared to $274 for the first iPad Air. Seeing as the iPad sells for just under £400, this would …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014

Apple to PROTECT YOU from dreaded TROUSER EXPLOSIONS

Apple has patented a fireproof material that could finally banish the misery of mobile phone trouser explosions. All too often, mobes can go pop in a person's pocket, causing hideous burns and ruining a perfectly good pair of trousers to boot. Now Apple has decided to step in and make sure that fanbois' nether regions are safe …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth

A Scottish distillery is celebrating the return of the first ever space-matured batch of whisky. Back in 2011, the Islay-based Ardbeg distillery sent several vials of whisky to the International Space Station, where they were spun around the earth at 17,227 mph, orbiting 15 times a day for almost three years. The astronauts up …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Even a broken watch is right twice a day: Not an un-charged Apple Watch

The Apple Watch will require daily charging thanks to its poor battery life, Apple CEO Tim Cook has admitted. The daily maintenance is reminiscent of the bad old days when timepieces needed to be wound up to keep them ticking. Speaking at a live Q+A, the Apple boss said: "We think people are going to use it so much you will end …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

Caption this: CERN needs pic tags. Serious answers only, kids

The super bright minds at CERN have unearthed a massive cache of old photos - and they need your help working out what on earth is going on in some of them. During the first 50 years of its existence, CERN amassed about 250,000 analogue photographs. Some unlucky archivist has been given the job of digitising 120,000 from the …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

HUGE SHARK as big as a WWII SUBMARINE died out, allowing whales to exist

It was the largest shark ever seen on Planet Earth - the size of some World War II combat submarines - but until now no-one really knew whether a stray Megalodon was still lurking somewhere out there in the ocean. But finally swimmers can rest easy today - on this score at least, there are still plenty of regular sharks about - …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Malware

Painfully trendy: Someone just spent $200k on ebola.com

Anyone looking to cash in on the zeitgeist by buying the domain name ebola.com has left it too late, because the domain name has sold for more than $200,000. A Russian firm called Weed Growth Fund has snapped up this on-trend online home, according to an SEC filing. The Russian-registered company that now owns ebola.com paid $ …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Newton MessagePad 120 - logo

Now: The REAL APPLE NEWS you need to know

Apple Watch? Bah humbug. Bonk to pay? Boring. So what's the real Apple news today, you ask? Well, the birthplace of one of world's most famous pieces of fruit is up for a prestigious award. No, not the garage where Steve Jobs smoked joints and watched Woz the Great and Powerful build the first ever Apple computers. We're …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014

UNCHAINING DEMONS which might DESTROY HUMANITY: Musk on AI

Electro-car kingpin and spacecraft mogul Elon Musk has warned that meddling with Artificial Intelligence risks "summoning the demon" that could destroy humanity. The Musky motor trader is terrified that humanity will end up creating a synthetic monster that we cannot control. And no, the SpaceX billionaire didn't warn us about …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014
Alun Taylor dons Google tech specs Google Glass

Google Glassholes are UNDATEABLE – HP exec

Hoping to woo the ladies with your shiny new Google Glass? Don't bother, because no woman in her right mind would let a Glasshole anywhere near her data centre, an HP bigwig has claimed. Ray Edwards, managing director for HP’s New Ventures division at Network Portfolio and Architecture, reportedly slammed the sex appeal of …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014
Woman puts hand in camera lens. Pic: Steve Purkiss

DOUBLE BONK: Fanbois catch Apple Pay picking pockets

Tim Cook's dream of bonk-to-pay global domination has taken a serious battering after customers using the new Apple Pay system were double charged. Fanbois took to Reddit and Twitter after finding their Apple Pay transactions had been duplicated. Apple said it was aware of "a Bank of America issue impacting a very small number …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014

Zuckerberg bombshell: Man married to Chinese woman speaks Chinese in China

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg shocked a Chinese audience with his mastery of Mandarin – a language that's as difficult to master as his website's privacy settings. The advertising kingpin was speaking at Tsinghua University in China, where he stunned attendees by ditching English and speaking in Mandarin for more than half an …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Oct 2014
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Chinese hackers slurp iCloud passwords, Apple's CEO jumps into his jet for China

Apple boss Tim Cook has met top Chinese officials following a major attack on the security of the iCloud website – an assault that some security analysts have blamed on Beijing. Cook was snapped in full demon headmaster mode heading into a pow-wow with Vice Premier Ma Kai. According to the Xinhua news agency, the issues of " …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Oct 2014
Kit

Really... an iKeyfob? Apple continues war on fanbois' pockets

Apple has been granted a patent for an iKeyfob capable of unlocking doors, starting the engine and turning your car into a less good version of KITT from Knight Rider. Serving as a kind of car controller, the patented device works in conjunction with iPhones or other mobile devices and also performs as an in-car gizmo using …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Oct 2014
Slide from Tim Cook's presentation at the Apple product roll-out event of October 22, 2013, indicating Apple's single-minded focus

Yes, yes, Steve Jobs. Look what I'VE done for you lately – Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook has written to his employees to tell them that the past few quarters have been the most successful in the company's history. To the faithful, only the golden age of Steve Jobs can be described in such terms. But even though he's failed to release an exciting new product range since the first fruity fuhrer was …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Oct 2014

Satya Nadella's $84.3m pay packet: Did he use the 'female superpower' to get it?

Satya Nadella famously told women to not bother asking for pay rises, which now looks a bit rich after Microsoft revealed his $83.4m pay packet. After all, what would you know about asking for a raise when your pay packet is more already than the combined wages of 800 Microsoft minions? Redmond announced its great leader's …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Oct 2014

Routine WHAT NOW? Bank of England’s CHAPS payment system goes TITSUP

The CHAPS system used to handle most bank-to-bank transfers in the UK has collapsed, with all mortgage payments currently on pause. We were told that the problem was due to an update over the weekend, when the details of new CHAPS users were being added and old ones removed. This is meant to be a routine operation, but a glitch …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Oct 2014
Image two from the patent document

Hey, iPhone 6 fanbois: Apple's bonk to 'Pay' app IS GO

Apple will open up its new bonk-to-pay system to its newest phones, the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus, today, allowing fanbois to bonk shiny-shinys to purchase stuff online or at 220,000 stores. However, non-Americans need not cut up their cards just yet, because Apple Pay is only available Stateside and it is unclear when it will …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Oct 2014
Use google.com button

SCREW YOU, EU: BBC rolls out Right To Remember as Google deletes links

The BBC will publish a summary of articles removed from Google search rankings under the infamous "right to be forgotten" rules. At a public meeting, the Beeb's editorial policy chief, David Jordan, said the public also had a "right to remember". A ruling by the European Court of Justice in May ordered Google to remove links …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Screenshot of Twitter outage error message

#Help. There's a STRANGER in my Twitter timeline

Twitter has admitted to fiddling with users' timelines, sparking the sort of social media backlash which is fast becoming a wearying fixture of modern life. The chirpy chaps of Twitter claimed the "spirit of experimentation" made them decide to wodge unwanted tweets in users' feeds. Seeing stuff from people you don't follow …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

iPhone 6 shunned by fanbois in Apple's GREAT FAIL of CHINA

The belated Chinese launch of the iPhone 6 appears to have been a total flop after just 100 people queued outside a flagship store to buy the new mobe. In most parts of the world, the launch of a new Apple iPhone causes a level of fanboi hysteria that is more like a One Direction concert than a consumer technology launch. But …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
EE local coverage

It's even GRIMMER up North after MEGA SKY BROADBAND OUTAGE

Life in the famously grim north of England became even more appalling today following a massive Sky broadband outage. Sky's service via a number of exchanges across the North West has collapsed, crippling broadband connections for customers living in the badlands surrounding Manchester and Liverpool. The provider said the issue …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Oct 2014
Panic button on keyboard

Disaster roster: OMG, are YOU SAFE? I dunno. Check Facebook

Your loved one has been kidnapped and is about to be killed by a horde of barbaric jihadis. What do you do? Click the "like" button, obviously. That bizarre situation could soon be one of the ways in which feckless Facebookers respond to disaster after the social network unveiled its new "safety check" feature. According to …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014
will.i.am named Intel 'director of creative innovation'

Will.i.am gets CUFFED as he announces his new wristjob, the PULS

Rapper and business mogul Will.i.am has announced plans to release a new piece of wrist-based, wearable technology. Bearing the semi-eponymous name i.amPULS, it will allow the wearer to make calls without using a mobile phone. The diminutive colossus of pop appeared at a distinctly unglamorous Salesforce conference in San …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014
A rescued joey

Prehistoric swingbelly KANGAROOS were TOO FAT to jump – scientists

It's certainly Australia's iconic animal, yet boffins have claimed the kangaroo hasn't always performed its most famous trick: hopping. Once upon a time, the Skippy the Bush Kangaroo's ancestors may not have actually bounded along, instead favouring a gait akin to a drunken human. "At best, they'd have been really clumsy …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Oct 2014

I didn't invent Bitcoin! Send Bitcoin to help me fight this slur – Dorian Nakamoto

The elderly man Newsweek claimed was the inventor of Bitcoin has launched a legal battle against the publication – and he wants you to help pay for it. In March this year, Newsweek published a cover story titled "The Face of Bitcoin" which named Dorian Nakamoto as the inventor of the digital funny money. Now he's raising money …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
flames_fire_destruction

PANTS on FIRE? Too late for you. But others will benefit from singed trouser phone alert

Boffins at Stanford University have invented a system which could banish the dreaded trouser fire to the annals of tech history. Regular readers of The Reg will know that the batteries used in mobile phones have a horrible tendency to blow up at inopportune moments. Whether it's an iPad Nano going kaboom in Japan, a Swiss woman …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

Apple's new 'iPad Air 2' sliced open, revealing (possible) A8X core

Cruel Apple fans have exposed the innards of what they claim is the forthcoming iPad Air 2, giving the world a glimpse of what could be the most intimate parts of a slab millions will soon be fondling. The rabid fanbois who run a Taiwanese site called Apple Club have posted pictures purportedly showing the rudest parts of the …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Nokia sign dismantled, with letters rearranged to spell 'ONKIA'

Finnish PM: Apple has DESTROYED FINLAND

The Prime Minister of Finland has claimed that Apple destroyed his country's biggest industry: mobile phone manufacturing. As if that wasn't bad enough, Alexander Stubb went on to say that Cupertino had also annihilated the paper-making industry, which was his nation's other pride and joy. However, a leading Finnish analyst has …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

Apple's iPhone bonk to 'Pay' app launches on Monday

Cupertino's plans to dominate the world of pay-by-bonk have been exposed following the leak of what appears to be a TOP-SECRET Apple Pay training manual. All Apple staffers will apparently take part in an hour's training on the new bonk-to-pay system, which is expected to be launched later this month following an event on 16 …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014
Photo of Jonathan Ive

Xiaomi boss snaps back at Jony Ive's iPhone rival 'theft' swipe

The boss of Chinese Android mobile firm, Xiaomi, has smacked back at Apple designer Jony Ive's remarks about "iPhone-inspired" smartphones, telling him to try the phones before he slags them off. Lin Bin wants Ive sent to the sin bin after he appeared to claim that Xiaomi had nicked Apple's mobe designs. "Xiaomi is a very open …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014

Here's your chance to buy an ancient, working APPLE ONE

Woz it the gambling habit that crippled your finances? Or Woz it the fact you spent hundreds of thousands of quid on an ancient Apple computer that can't even send a tweet? If it Woz the latter, at least you'll be able to tell your wife, accountant or mummy that you've snapped up a bit of history at the same time as ridding …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Oct 2014
ipod u2 edition

U2? 81 million Apple iThing-strokers know a place where the Beats have no shame

Some might say that being on the cover of Vogue is pretty cool. But when Apple foisted U2's latest album on 81 million innocent people? Quite the opposite. Apple has told the music bible Billboard that some 81 million people took the chance to "experience" Songs Of Innocence, with 26 million downloading the thing in its entirety …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014

Trolls have DARK TETRAD of personality defects, say trickcyclists

Are you a fan of "everyday sadism"? Then you might just be a troll, according to the boffins responsible for a study which looked into the habits of these comment thread Caligulas. In a study called "Trolls Just Want To Have Fun", eggheads from the University of Manitoba asked 1,200 online trolls what they like doing best. …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6

No one wants iOS 8 because it's for NERDS - dev

The world doesn't seem to want to download the latest version of iOS because it's a "nerd release", an Apple developer has claimed. For all of those who think a nerd's release generally involves five hours on World of Warcraft followed by 30 seconds on Pornhub, think again. Developer Andrew Clark claimed that only super-fanbois …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 5c: attempting to bend or break the case

Foxconn exec on iPhone 6: You're BENDING it WRONG

The head of Apple partner Foxconn has blamed the flexible iPhone 6 scandal — now using the grimly predictable suffix "gate" — on nasty, gossiping rivals. "Bendgate" video bloggers claim the new iPhone, when strapped to fanbois' thighs, has been losing its shape quicker than Man Utd's back four. CEO Terry Gou maintains that …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Oct 2014
Blik's Original Super Mario Wall Decals

Apple KILLS SUPER MARIO. And Zelda. And Sonic

Certain slab-fondling fanbois will soon be forced to cough up for a Wii U wave goodbye to their childhoods following Apple's decision to close a loophole in the next version of iOS 8 that allowed console emulators to run on iPhones and iPads. A fresh beta version of iOS 8.1 landed in developers' laps on Tuesday, and it was …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Oct 2014
cloud

Sophos gulps down hot Mojave, will puff out more secure clouds

Sophos has slurped up the security firm Mojave Networks in a bid to develop the world's strongest and most secure cloud. You should probably now get excited about data security. "Mojave Networks is a young innovative company that has built a leading platform right at the intersection of three cutting-edge areas of security: …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Oct 2014

Apple and GT: Sapphire glass is cracked, but still not broken

Apple's use of the legendary tough and durable sapphire glass in its equally legendary products hangs in the balance following the collapse of its main supplier. GT Advanced Technologies filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday, causing its share price to crash and burn — falling by 93 per cent to a measly 80 cents. Now …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Oct 2014
A sapphire gemstone

Sapphire glass maker's woes caused by Apple relationship 'breakdown'

Analysts have suggested the collapse of sapphire glass manufacturer GT Advanced Technologies may have been caused by a "breakdown" in relations with Apple. The iThing giant appeared to be determined to use the scratch-resistant wonder material in its new iPhones and the Apple Watch, but those plans were thrown into doubt on …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Oct 2014
Apple iPad 3 aka new iPad

Is Apple incubating a Macbook, iPad bastard child?

What do you think would happen if an iPad made sweet, sweet love to a Macbook? Just go with it please, for the sake of argument. It would give birth to a misshapen, outsized fondleslab, running a delicate and (probably) delicious integration of OSX and iOS. And a full suite of apps, naturally. But it's not going to happen, is …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014

Inflatables in SPAAACE! ISS 'nauts to enjoy bouncy castle spaceship

Astronauts will be able to enjoy the pleasures of an inflatable spaceship from next year, when a blow-up craft will attach itself to the International Space Station. The Bigelow Expandable Activity Module (BEAM) is expected to be blasted into space aboard SpaceX's Dragon cargo spacecraft at some point in 2015, the firm behind it …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014
Eve in the Garden of Eden talking to a rather angry God on Snapchat

PEAK APPLE: iOS 8 SHUNNED by refusenik fanbois

Apple has failed to persuade the fanboi legions to abandon the old versions of its mobile operating system and plunge into the many pleasures of iOS 8. Adoption rates of the new version of iOS 8 have stalled, with equal numbers of Apple fanfolk using both the new and old operating system. If true, this means the rollout of iOS …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014
Apple's new Cupertino campus – floor plan

APPLE still building fanbois CULT HQ in Cupertino, it seems

The new Apple Fruit Loop HQ is taking shape, with the foundations laid and the building now resembling the ruined monolithic gathering place of a once mighty Pagan cult. Which, of course, is kind of what the Apple Campus II will be when completed. Inside will burn the eternal flame of Steve Jobs, stoked by the whispy dreams of …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Oct 2014
Apple Watch

'Apple Watch' sapphire glass maker files for bankruptcy protection

The firm which was rumoured to have been manufacturing sapphire glass for Apple's upcoming smartwatch has filed for bankruptcy protection. Sources had been whispering that Apple was planning to use the scratch-resistant material for the screens on the Apple Watch and forthcoming models of the iPhone. GT Technologies filed for …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Oct 2014
Malware

Apple tries to kill iWorm: Zombie botnet feasting on Mac brains

Apple has updated its XProtect anti-malware system to squash several variants of the iWorm before the malware causes any further damage. The changes to the program XProtect.plist allows OSX to detect and block three species of iWorm, helpfully named OSX.iWorm.A, OSX.iWorm.B, and OSX.iWorm.C. XProtect is Apple's rudimentary …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Oct 2014
iPhone 6 Plus opened up

Apple's iPhone 6 can REVERSE BALDNESS (and cause it, too)

We've all suspected Apple's Jesus Phone can perform miracles, but few of us suspected it could perform the remarkable task of causing hairs to grow from bald men's heads. But now it has emerged that a number of bald men have claimed the new iPhone 6 Plus has ripped hairs from their fur-free noggins. Seeing as they don't appear …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Oct 2014

Blighty: Welcome your new, faceless MI6 chief – Alex Younger

Career spook Alex Younger has been named as the new head of MI6, replacing Sir John Sawers. Before taking up his position as boss of the Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), which is more widely known as MI6, Younger oversaw its global operations. After joining in 1991, he was posted to Europe and the Middle East, before becoming …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Oct 2014
steve jobs

Google's Eric Schmidt's shock confession: Steve Jobs is.... MY HERO

Google supremo Eric Schmidt has claimed that Steve Jobs was his "hero" and said that we should all endeavour to "be a small percentage" of the Apple godhead. This might sound like he's encouraging time-travel cannibalism, but it's really just a call for everyone to do their bit to change the world. He doesn't mean properly …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Oct 2014