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Jasper Hamill

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Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has launched legal action against a firm he has accused of failing to properly sell him a World War II German panzer tank. Don't worry, Allen hasn't gone all tinfoil hat and decided to start a militia. He merely wants to buy a rare German tank for the collection of the Flying Heritage Collection …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Sep 2014
Rosetta

Europe prepares to INVADE comet: Rosetta landing site chosen

The European Space Agency has selected a site for the Rosetta space probe's lander, which is attempting to touch down on comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko. The region – labelled Site J – lies at the top of the rock, which is unevenly shaped and measures about 4km across at its widest point. The Rosetta craft is now within 30km of …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Sep 2014
Apple CEO Tim Cook in 1979, during his freshman year at Auburn University

Apple CEO Tim Cook: TV is TERRIBLE and stuck in the 1970s

Some may fondly remember the era that bought us The Clangers, Fawlty Towers and The Sweeney. But not Apple boss Tim Cook, who reckons the goggle box is stuck in a time warp so intense that watching it is like being sucked back back into the 1970s. In an interview with American talk show host Charlie Rose, Cook dropped a clanging …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Sep 2014
V

Boffins: Searching for ALIENS is like looking for PIZZA among students

Boffins have warned that humanity may have missed out on finding aliens because we are looking for the wrong signs. A researcher at the University of St Andrews said we could draw closer to “a profound moment for humanity”, if only we followed his rules on how to find life out in deepest space. He warned that the presence of a …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Sep 2014

Salesforce plan to rename London skyscraper 'Salesforce Tower' DEMOLISHED

A plan to rename a London skyscraper Salesforce Tower has been abandoned after the building's owners decided to give it more sensible name. The Heron Tower in London's financial district will now be known simply as 110 Bishopsgate, reflecting its actual address. Other tenants of the building raised concerns when the plan was …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Sep 2014
Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos

Slough isn't fit for humans now, says Amazon. We're going to Shoreditch

Amazon has decided to say goodbye to the dismal satellite town Slough and moved its British HQ to the heart of trendy Shoreditch. The giant etailer decided to leave the Slough of Despond after signing a deal with the developer Brookfield which will see it become the major tenant in the £500million Principal Place building, which …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Sep 2014
Apple iPhone 6

Apple iPhone 6: Missing sapphire glass screen FAIL explained

Apple fanbois were left scratching their heads when Tim Cook unveiled the new iPhone 6 without the sapphire glass facelift many were expecting it to receive . Now mobile analyst Matt Margolis has claimed that supply chain issues prevented Cupertino from rolling out phones equipped with the new wonder material. He is one of many …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Sep 2014

Google swallows SMARTSPOON manufacturer Lift Labs

Google has made an investment in a truly shaky business with the purchase of a company which makes smartspoons for Parkinson's sufferers. Mountain View has slurped Lift Labs, which makes a "tremor-cancelling" spoon called Liftware. This device looks like an ordinary spoon, but contains microchips and sensors to work out the …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Sep 2014
ISIS Islamists in Iraq

Found inside ISIS terror chap's laptop: CELINE DION tunes

The worst thing you'll find on most chaps' laptops is a bit of porn and perhaps a pirated copy of Microsoft Office. But, according to a recent report, if you peer inside the hard drive of a rabid ISIS zealot, you'll find recipes for bubonic plague, instructions on extracting ricin from castor beans and – most terrifyingly of all …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Sep 2014
Apple Watch

Apple Watch will CONQUER smartwatch world – analysts

Apple is set to be the biggest player in the smartwatch market, Canalys analysts have predicted. But its reign may be temporary, as competitors will inevitably storm Cupertino's barricades armed with cheaper wristputers to steal away the unfaithful. Canalys predicted that "wearable band" shipments will grow 129 per cent between …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Sep 2014

Would Apple godhead Steve Jobs have HATED the Watch?

Staffers at Apple have been working on their latest wearable wheeze for three long years, while the rest of us wondered where on Earth its legendary spirit of innovation had disappeared to. If you believe Tim Cook, Apple was on the job the whole time, beavering away in secrecy to create a timepiece which would once again become …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Sep 2014
Danish hippies, photographed by Gregers Nielsen, from Peter Øvig Knudsen's book 'Hippies 2', censored for – and rejected by – Apple's iBookstore

Who on Earth would buy a digi-watch? Answer: NUDISTS - in their millions

A leading British naturist, apparently speaking on behalf of millions of clothing-optional Britons, has welcomed the debut of the Apple iWatch and claimed the nude folk of Albion will soon be happily clasping it on. Andrew Welch, spokesman for British Naturism (BN) and Young British Naturism (YBN), said his birthday-suited …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Sep 2014

City hidden beneath England's Stonehenge had HUMAN ABATTOIR. And a pub

Boffins have discovered the remains of a hidden city two miles from Stonehenge, after creating digital maps of the ancient site to an unprecedented level of detail. The researchers found 17 previously undiscovered religious monuments, as well as a huge burial mound, dozens of smaller ones and the remains of a timber building …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Sep 2014
lacie safe biometric hard drive

Forget silly privacy worries - help biometrics firms make MILLIONS

Tech firms are set to experience a biometric bonanza - as long as they can persuade ordinary folk to give up worrying about their privacy. That's the claim in a briefing note from “growth consulting firm” Frost & Sullivan, which suggested the number of smartphones equipped with biometric gubbins will soar from 43 million to 471 …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Sep 2014
Bull trout. Credit: Joel Sartore/ National Geographic & Wade Fredenberg/ USFWS

TROUT and EELS in SINISTER PACT to RULE the oceans

Boffins have observed a worrying alliance between trout and eels, which have joined forces to launch a sea-had (jihad, geddit?) against other ocean-dwelling species. Cooperation is as rare in the animal kingdom as it is in the United one, so fish-folk at the University of Cambridge were astonished to see two different underwater …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Sep 2014
Apple Scottsdale Store

BONEHEAD FANBOIS encamp outside Apple Stores

Fanbois around the world have begun queueing outside Apple stores ahead of this evening's product announcement - even though any new iStuff is unlikely to be released for weeks. The two men at the front of the queue outside the glass cube of Apple's Fifth Avenue store in New York City have an excuse for camping out: they are …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Sep 2014
Apple CEO Tim Cook, 2012

Even better than the iThing: Apple's Cook is strictly pro Bono

Apple CEO Tim Cook will be joined on stage tonight by new allies including preposterous boy band U2. The rumours resurfaced despite apparent denials from the band's spokeswoman last week. The band, fronted by Bono, declined to comment further. Rumours in the Applesphere suggest the fruity firm will break out the Mayo to discuss …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Sep 2014
Stephen Hawking, weightless and happy

Hawking: Higgs boson in a BIG particle punisher could DESTROY UNIVERSE

Once upon a time, Stephen Hawking was so sure the Higgs Boson was a fantasy that he bet $100* against its discovery. But now the British boffin has dramatically changed his mind, warning that the so-called god particle could go rogue and destroy the entire universe. Clearly annoyed that Peter Higgs, who predicted the existence …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Sep 2014

Applelutely fappulous: Fashionistas bow down before the JESUS PHONE

Fashionistas are a rare sight at tech events, where the level of stylishness on display tends to be more dowdy bore than haute couture. But that could be set to change following Apple's decision to welcome the fashion set into its fruity fold for the very first time. Cupertino has invited a number of trendy folk to a not-so- …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Sep 2014
Peter Capaldi as Dr Who. Credit: BBC

Ofcom will not probe lesbian lizard snog in new Dr Who series

Ofcom has declined to probe the BBC after it received complaints about the screening of a kiss between a lizard-like character and her human wife during an episode of Doctor Who. The watchdog received half a dozen complaints after the characters, played by Neve McIntosh and Catrin Stewart, shared a crafty live-saving snog* as …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Aug 2014
A person measuring her waistline

Tim Cook in Applerexia fears: New MacBook THINNER THAN EVER

Apple is preparing to release a MacBook which tabloid newspapers might describe as "worryingly thin", supply chain sources have claimed. The claims surfaced in the Taiwanese publication DigiTimes, which quoted "supply chain makers" in the country. The current MacBook Pro is a relatively chubby 2.4cm, but the report suggested …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014

Samsung Gear S: Quick, LAUNCH IT – before Apple straps on iWatch

Samsung's Gear S appears to have pipped Apple's iWatch to the post. The South Korean firm today announced the release of a wearable smartwatch capable of making phone calls... and turning weedy wrists into computing powerhouses. The Samsung Gear S comes complete with 3G, a two inch curved Super AMOLED display and as well as …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014
heart.brazil

MEN WANTED to satisfy town full of yearning BRAZILIAN HOTNESS

A Brazilian town populated solely by "extremely attractive" women is looking for obedient and well-behaved men to come and, erm, romance them. The 600 het-up hotties of Noiva do Cordeiro are feeling amorous, but there are simply no chaps about to court them. So they have issued a call for eligible males who think they're man …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014

Tim Cook: I'm NOT worried about CRAP iPad sales. It's just a 'speedbump'

Tim Cook has claimed the slowdown in fondleslab sales is not a sign of Apple's imminent demise, but merely a "speedbump" along the path to tablet world domination. Both Apple and arch-rival Samsung have been experiencing poor tablet sales, with partners of the South Korean firm sitting on some 300,000 units that no one wants to …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Aug 2014
Apple iPad 3 aka new iPad

HUGE iPAD? Maybe. HUGE ADVERTS? That's for SURE

Apple is preparing to turn its relatively humble fondleslab into a monster hand advertising billboard. The fruity firm has opened up its new iAd platform to developers, giving them the ability to show full-screen adverts on the iPhone, iPad and any future devices that use Apple's iOS. These imposing corporate messages could …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Aug 2014

Google kicks PowerPoint in the fondleslab

Google has launched a new iOS app for Apple's iThings that takes aim at Microsoft's Office for the iPad and a swipe at Apple's productivity software. The Chocolate Factory has made the new mobile Slides app available via iTunes. The files are then synced across Android gadgets and Apple iPhones and iPads. You can also …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014

Experimental hypersonic SUPERMISSILE destroyed 4 SECONDS after US launched it

The US military has been forced to destroy a top secret hypersonic weapon just four seconds after its test flight begun. The Advanced Hypersonic Weapon (AHW) is designed to reach Mach 6 – or six times the speed of sound (about 5,795kmph or 3,600mph) – and allow the US to strike a target anywhere in the world in less than 60 …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
iPhone 5

Apple promises to lift Curse of the Drained iPhone 5 Battery

Apple has started a free battery replacement scheme for fanbois whose iPhone 5s were cursed with premature power drainage. All concerned customers need do is log onto this page, where they can enter the serial number of their mobe. Cupertino insisted that only a few unlucky folk were affected. "Apple has determined that a very …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
Sony Xperia Z2 tablet

Next moneybags kingpins of tech: Fondleslab game devs

The fondleslab games market is set to grow to a comparatively mammoth $13.3bn by the end of the decade, new research from Juniper has predicted. This represents a threefold rise from its current value of $3.6bn. According to a research paper issued by the bods at Juniper, the growth will be driven by ever-increasing storage …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
Sony Smart Watch

Wearables market set to EXPLODE... Wait, is that a STRAP-ON chair?

The wrist computer market has grown by almost 700 per cent this year, the brainy bods at Canalys have claimed. The wearable band sector grew 684 per cent in the first half of 2014 compared with the first half of 2013, according to Canalys' latest device shipment estimates. This could be only the start for this emerging market, …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
Back of iPhone 5

Trundle, trundle, FLEEEP: iPhone 6 production grinds to halt

The production of Apple's iPhone 6 has reportedly hit a major snag after the redesign of a screen component caused a supply shortage. Pegatron, which builds iStuff for Apple, 'fessed up to the problem and admitted a key component was in short supply. "Currently, there's a small shortage in supply of a specialised component for …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014
BrickArms' Toy taliban figure

True fact: 1 in 4 Brits are now TERRORISTS

One in four Brits could be facing imminent arrest by the Metropolitan Police after apparently falling foul of the boys in blue's astonishing new definition of a terrorist. As we revealed earlier this week, simply viewing a beheading video is enough for the cops to label you a card-carrying threat to public safety. Now it turns …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014

Football legend Gary Lineker in TWITTER POO TROLL SCANDAL

Gary Lineker is a celebrated footballer, telly host and crisp salesman. But it turns out that on the internet, what he's really remembered for is taking a big poo on the pitch during the 1990 Italia World Cup. But now the face of Walker's Crisps has had enough of internet trolls and has issued a broadside against the social …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014
Homer Simpson reading on PC

Get ready: The top-bracket young coders of the 2020s will be mostly GIRLS

The latest GCSE results have shown that more girls are getting top marks at computing - while fewer boys are getting an A*. Results released today show that 8.6 per cent of girls achieved the top mark of A*, an improvement on 2013 when 8.3 per cent managed to get the best grade. Boys, on the other hand, have flopped since last …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Just in case? Unverified 'supersize me' iPhone 6 pics in sneak leak peek

New pictures have surfaced that purport to show the casing for a new super-sized iPhone 6. The phab-ulous images popped up on a site called Evasi0n Jailbreak. After the site talked up the images on Twitter for several hours, Apple-sniffers were rewarded with what the site claims are genuine pics. Although a larger 5.5-inch …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
GCHQ Benhall doughnut aerial view

Hear ye, young cyber warriors of the realm: GCHQ wants you

Spooks have called upon the good people of Blighty to help protect an airline from attack by a vicious group of nerdy cyber-terrorists. That might sound like the secret services are getting a bit desperate, but don't worry kids: it's only a game. The bods at GCHQ have announced a new part of the Cyber Security Challenge UK …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014

Apple's iWatch? They cannae do it ... they don't have the POWER

Tech analyst Ming-Chi Kuo, who has a decent track record on Apple production issues, has risked breaking the hearts of fanbois everywhere with the prediction that the iWatch might not be released until next year. In a brutal swipe at Apple's production skills, Kuo said Cupertino just doesn't have the technical grunt to produce a …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

Hello, police, El Reg here. Are we a bunch of terrorists now?

A Register reporter has been let away with a slap on the wrist after confessing to what the cops claim is an act of terrorism. According to the Metropolitan Police, anyone caught watching a sickening beheading video will be treated like a terrorist. Lawyer and legal commentator David Allen Green challenged that claim – and we …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Aug 2014
The Burj Dubai at a modest 96 stories earlier this year. Photo: Emaar

Apple to build WORLD'S BIGGEST iStore in Dubai

Apple is planning to build the world's biggest iStore in Dubai - marking the first time it has opened a retail store in the Middle East. The fruity firm is looking for 26 categories of iToilers to work in the United Arab Emirates. Some 13 of these positions are for jobs in the new store. Cupertino wants to recruit everything …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Aug 2014

Video of US journalist 'beheading' pulled from social media

Twitter and Facebook have taken steps to close down the accounts of militant Islamic State supporters after the publication of a video that appeared to show a man with a British accent "beheading" the American journalist James Foley. The video is thought to have first surfaced on an account called @mujahid4life which was …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Aug 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Apple analyst: fruity firm set to shift 75 million iPhones

Apple is set to flog some 75 million units of the new iPhone 6 by the end of the year, an analyst with a pessimism bypass has claimed. Amit Daryanani of RBC Capital Markets has clearly taken every colour of the Cupertino happy pill, because a leaked briefing sees him suggesting that Apple will break all its records this year. …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
Apple Lisa

Steve Jobs had BETTER BALLS than Atari, says Apple mouse designer

Steve Jobs was well known for the size of his cojones, but it turns out that his former employer Atari had even better balls than him. In fact, it was these balls that inspired the first ever Apple mouse, the man who designed the first fruity iRodent has confessed. Jim Yurchenco, a retired engineer now in his dotage, was part …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

UK fuzz want PINCODES on ALL mobile phones

The Metropolitan Police has spent more than two years lobbying phone manufacturers and the government in a bid to introduce mandatory passwords on every new unit sold in Blighty, The Reg has learned. Senior officers from the Met's National Mobile Phone Crime Unit (NMPCU) have met with firms including Apple and Samsung to discuss …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
This chicken is under attack [Click to enlarge]

Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

After several millennia of global dominance, the human species is still uncertain about the motivations of those chickens that choose to cross the road. But last Monday, officers from the Portland Police Department got the opportunity to tackle this most insoluble of philosophical problems after a plucky clucker ventured into …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014

Cargo truck crammed with garbage explodes IN SPAAAAACE

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station have turned the Earth's atmosphere into their own personal trash incinerator after sending a cargo truck packed with rubbish to its fiery death. The orbiting litter louts packed the commercial spacecraft Cygnus full of rubbish and then steered it Earthwards so it would burn up in …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014
Assange

Assange™: Hey world, I'M STILL HERE, ignore that Snowden guy

Head WikiLeaker Julian Assange™ has said he is planning to leave the Ecuadorian embassy "soon", but neglected to say exactly when. In a press conference arguably designed to satisfy Assange's need for global attention more than the world media's thirst for clues about his future plans, the WikiLeaks founder dodged questions on …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014

Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!

One in four Brits have admitted to splurging too much cash during drunken shopping sprees online, according to a new survey. Insurance website Confused.com commissioned a research outfit to quiz 2,000 people in the UK about their booze-charged spending habits on the interwebs. The survey found some 24 per cent of the good folk …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014

YES YES YES! Apple patents mousy, pressure-sensing iVibrator

Apple has been granted a patent for a vibrating mouse which will respond to fanbois' hamfisted affections using advanced pressure sensing technology. Sadly, the "Force Sensing Mouse" will not turn Appleytes into Jedi knights, but it may allow them to navigate their computers into hitherto unfamiliar ways. Currently, the Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Intel teams up with rap chap 50 Cent on heartbeat headphones

The rapper 50 Cent has hooked up with Intel to get his headphone firm making kit for the health-tech wearables set. The pair plan to produce a set of cans which monitor vital stats at the same time as bombarding fit folks' ear drums. Following in the footsteps of the music producer turned Apple employee who self-identifies as " …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Premier League wants to PURGE ALL FOOTIE GIFs from social media

The English Premier League is working to design new software which will stop piratical football fans uploading footage of goals to Vine or social media. It has apologised for being a "killjoy" after warning fans that spaffing images of goals all over the internet is a breach of copyright. Now it is developing software to search …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014