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Jasper Hamill

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A person measuring her waistline

Tim Cook in Applerexia fears: New MacBook THINNER THAN EVER

Apple is preparing to release a MacBook which tabloid newspapers might describe as "worryingly thin", supply chain sources have claimed. The claims surfaced in the Taiwanese publication DigiTimes, which quoted "supply chain makers" in the country. The current MacBook Pro is a relatively chubby 2.4cm, but the report suggested …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014

Samsung Gear S: Quick, LAUNCH IT – before Apple straps on iWatch

Samsung's Gear S appears to have pipped Apple's iWatch to the post. The South Korean firm today announced the release of a wearable smartwatch capable of making phone calls... and turning weedy wrists into computing powerhouses. The Samsung Gear S comes complete with 3G, a two inch curved Super AMOLED display and as well as …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014
heart.brazil

MEN WANTED to satisfy town full of yearning BRAZILIAN HOTNESS

A Brazilian town populated solely by "extremely attractive" women is looking for obedient and well-behaved men to come and, erm, romance them. The 600 het-up hotties of Noiva do Cordeiro are feeling amorous, but there are simply no chaps about to court them. So they have issued a call for eligible males who think they're man …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Aug 2014

Tim Cook: I'm NOT worried about CRAP iPad sales. It's just a 'speedbump'

Tim Cook has claimed the slowdown in fondleslab sales is not a sign of Apple's imminent demise, but merely a "speedbump" along the path to tablet world domination. Both Apple and arch-rival Samsung have been experiencing poor tablet sales, with partners of the South Korean firm sitting on some 300,000 units that no one wants to …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Aug 2014
Apple iPad 3 aka new iPad

HUGE iPAD? Maybe. HUGE ADVERTS? That's for SURE

Apple is preparing to turn its relatively humble fondleslab into a monster hand advertising billboard. The fruity firm has opened up its new iAd platform to developers, giving them the ability to show full-screen adverts on the iPhone, iPad and any future devices that use Apple's iOS. These imposing corporate messages could …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Aug 2014

Google kicks PowerPoint in the fondleslab

Google has launched a new iOS app for Apple's iThings that takes aim at Microsoft's Office for the iPad and a swipe at Apple's productivity software. The Chocolate Factory has made the new mobile Slides app available via iTunes. The files are then synced across Android gadgets and Apple iPhones and iPads. You can also …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014

Experimental hypersonic SUPERMISSILE destroyed 4 SECONDS after US launched it

The US military has been forced to destroy a top secret hypersonic weapon just four seconds after its test flight begun. The Advanced Hypersonic Weapon (AHW) is designed to reach Mach 6 – or six times the speed of sound (about 5,795kmph or 3,600mph) – and allow the US to strike a target anywhere in the world in less than 60 …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
iPhone 5

Apple promises to lift Curse of the Drained iPhone 5 Battery

Apple has started a free battery replacement scheme for fanbois whose iPhone 5s were cursed with premature power drainage. All concerned customers need do is log onto this page, where they can enter the serial number of their mobe. Cupertino insisted that only a few unlucky folk were affected. "Apple has determined that a very …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
Sony Xperia Z2 tablet

Next moneybags kingpins of tech: Fondleslab game devs

The fondleslab games market is set to grow to a comparatively mammoth $13.3bn by the end of the decade, new research from Juniper has predicted. This represents a threefold rise from its current value of $3.6bn. According to a research paper issued by the bods at Juniper, the growth will be driven by ever-increasing storage …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
Sony Smart Watch

Wearables market set to EXPLODE... Wait, is that a STRAP-ON chair?

The wrist computer market has grown by almost 700 per cent this year, the brainy bods at Canalys have claimed. The wearable band sector grew 684 per cent in the first half of 2014 compared with the first half of 2013, according to Canalys' latest device shipment estimates. This could be only the start for this emerging market, …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Aug 2014
Back of iPhone 5

Trundle, trundle, FLEEEP: iPhone 6 production grinds to halt

The production of Apple's iPhone 6 has reportedly hit a major snag after the redesign of a screen component caused a supply shortage. Pegatron, which builds iStuff for Apple, 'fessed up to the problem and admitted a key component was in short supply. "Currently, there's a small shortage in supply of a specialised component for …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014
BrickArms' Toy taliban figure

True fact: 1 in 4 Brits are now TERRORISTS

One in four Brits could be facing imminent arrest by the Metropolitan Police after apparently falling foul of the boys in blue's astonishing new definition of a terrorist. As we revealed earlier this week, simply viewing a beheading video is enough for the cops to label you a card-carrying threat to public safety. Now it turns …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014

Football legend Gary Lineker in TWITTER POO TROLL SCANDAL

Gary Lineker is a celebrated footballer, telly host and crisp salesman. But it turns out that on the internet, what he's really remembered for is taking a big poo on the pitch during the 1990 Italia World Cup. But now the face of Walker's Crisps has had enough of internet trolls and has issued a broadside against the social …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Aug 2014
Homer Simpson reading on PC

Get ready: The top-bracket young coders of the 2020s will be mostly GIRLS

The latest GCSE results have shown that more girls are getting top marks at computing - while fewer boys are getting an A*. Results released today show that 8.6 per cent of girls achieved the top mark of A*, an improvement on 2013 when 8.3 per cent managed to get the best grade. Boys, on the other hand, have flopped since last …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Just in case? Unverified 'supersize me' iPhone 6 pics in sneak leak peek

New pictures have surfaced that purport to show the casing for a new super-sized iPhone 6. The phab-ulous images popped up on a site called Evasi0n Jailbreak. After the site talked up the images on Twitter for several hours, Apple-sniffers were rewarded with what the site claims are genuine pics. Although a larger 5.5-inch …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
GCHQ Benhall doughnut aerial view

Hear ye, young cyber warriors of the realm: GCHQ wants you

Spooks have called upon the good people of Blighty to help protect an airline from attack by a vicious group of nerdy cyber-terrorists. That might sound like the secret services are getting a bit desperate, but don't worry kids: it's only a game. The bods at GCHQ have announced a new part of the Cyber Security Challenge UK …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014

Apple's iWatch? They cannae do it ... they don't have the POWER

Tech analyst Ming-Chi Kuo, who has a decent track record on Apple production issues, has risked breaking the hearts of fanbois everywhere with the prediction that the iWatch might not be released until next year. In a brutal swipe at Apple's production skills, Kuo said Cupertino just doesn't have the technical grunt to produce a …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Aug 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

Hello, police, El Reg here. Are we a bunch of terrorists now?

A Register reporter has been let away with a slap on the wrist after confessing to what the cops claim is an act of terrorism. According to the Metropolitan Police, anyone caught watching a sickening beheading video will be treated like a terrorist. Lawyer and legal commentator David Allen Green challenged that claim – and we …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Aug 2014
The Burj Dubai at a modest 96 stories earlier this year. Photo: Emaar

Apple to build WORLD'S BIGGEST iStore in Dubai

Apple is planning to build the world's biggest iStore in Dubai - marking the first time it has opened a retail store in the Middle East. The fruity firm is looking for 26 categories of iToilers to work in the United Arab Emirates. Some 13 of these positions are for jobs in the new store. Cupertino wants to recruit everything …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Aug 2014

Video of US journalist 'beheading' pulled from social media

Twitter and Facebook have taken steps to close down the accounts of militant Islamic State supporters after the publication of a video that appeared to show a man with a British accent "beheading" the American journalist James Foley. The video is thought to have first surfaced on an account called @mujahid4life which was …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Aug 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Apple analyst: fruity firm set to shift 75 million iPhones

Apple is set to flog some 75 million units of the new iPhone 6 by the end of the year, an analyst with a pessimism bypass has claimed. Amit Daryanani of RBC Capital Markets has clearly taken every colour of the Cupertino happy pill, because a leaked briefing sees him suggesting that Apple will break all its records this year. …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
Apple Lisa

Steve Jobs had BETTER BALLS than Atari, says Apple mouse designer

Steve Jobs was well known for the size of his cojones, but it turns out that his former employer Atari had even better balls than him. In fact, it was these balls that inspired the first ever Apple mouse, the man who designed the first fruity iRodent has confessed. Jim Yurchenco, a retired engineer now in his dotage, was part …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

UK fuzz want PINCODES on ALL mobile phones

The Metropolitan Police has spent more than two years lobbying phone manufacturers and the government in a bid to introduce mandatory passwords on every new unit sold in Blighty, The Reg has learned. Senior officers from the Met's National Mobile Phone Crime Unit (NMPCU) have met with firms including Apple and Samsung to discuss …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014
This chicken is under attack [Click to enlarge]

Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

After several millennia of global dominance, the human species is still uncertain about the motivations of those chickens that choose to cross the road. But last Monday, officers from the Portland Police Department got the opportunity to tackle this most insoluble of philosophical problems after a plucky clucker ventured into …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Aug 2014

Cargo truck crammed with garbage explodes IN SPAAAAACE

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station have turned the Earth's atmosphere into their own personal trash incinerator after sending a cargo truck packed with rubbish to its fiery death. The orbiting litter louts packed the commercial spacecraft Cygnus full of rubbish and then steered it Earthwards so it would burn up in …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014
Assange

Assange™: Hey world, I'M STILL HERE, ignore that Snowden guy

Head WikiLeaker Julian Assange™ has said he is planning to leave the Ecuadorian embassy "soon", but neglected to say exactly when. In a press conference arguably designed to satisfy Assange's need for global attention more than the world media's thirst for clues about his future plans, the WikiLeaks founder dodged questions on …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014

Drunkards warned: If you can't walk in a straight line, don't shop online, you fool!

One in four Brits have admitted to splurging too much cash during drunken shopping sprees online, according to a new survey. Insurance website Confused.com commissioned a research outfit to quiz 2,000 people in the UK about their booze-charged spending habits on the interwebs. The survey found some 24 per cent of the good folk …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Aug 2014

YES YES YES! Apple patents mousy, pressure-sensing iVibrator

Apple has been granted a patent for a vibrating mouse which will respond to fanbois' hamfisted affections using advanced pressure sensing technology. Sadly, the "Force Sensing Mouse" will not turn Appleytes into Jedi knights, but it may allow them to navigate their computers into hitherto unfamiliar ways. Currently, the Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Intel teams up with rap chap 50 Cent on heartbeat headphones

The rapper 50 Cent has hooked up with Intel to get his headphone firm making kit for the health-tech wearables set. The pair plan to produce a set of cans which monitor vital stats at the same time as bombarding fit folks' ear drums. Following in the footsteps of the music producer turned Apple employee who self-identifies as " …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Premier League wants to PURGE ALL FOOTIE GIFs from social media

The English Premier League is working to design new software which will stop piratical football fans uploading footage of goals to Vine or social media. It has apologised for being a "killjoy" after warning fans that spaffing images of goals all over the internet is a breach of copyright. Now it is developing software to search …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014
Spam

New voting rules leave innocent Brits at risk of SPAM TSUNAMI

Changes to the electoral registration system have sparked fears that Britons are about to be swamped by a tsunami of unwanted spam from companies that harvest and sell on citizens' personal data. The Register has learned that a number of councils across the UK have not properly informed residents how to enter their details on …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014

Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people

Boffins have overturned the wisdom of parents everywhere by proving that stinky people with tattoos can play a vital role in society: by charging up mobile phones. Dr Joseph Wang and a team at UC San Diego have designed a temporary tattoo which acts as a sensor which contains an enzyme that strips electrons from lactate, …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Aug 2014
Students using MacBooks in a lecture hall

A-level results: Before you smile at that jump-for-joy snap...

Traditionally, newspapers illustrate A-Level results day with pictures of attractive teens in mid-air. But soon it could be lank-haired, bespectacled nerds that are performing the vault of victory following news that students are flocking to tech-focused courses. Today is the day where pretty young things and their uglier, off- …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Aug 2014
money trap conceptual illustration

Dodgy payday loan ads make up 83% of cases probed by UK's FCA

The majority of cases under investigation by the Financial Conduct Authority now involve online adverts for "cheap" credit services, the regulator has said. Some 80 per cent of the cases it has launched in the past four months involve firms that offer financial products over the internet or through mobile phones. All in all, …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Aug 2014
Yesterday's launch of the TerreStar 1 satellite. Pic: ESA

Just when you thought you were alone in the bath: Hi-res mapping satellite ready for launch

An American firm is preparing to launch a satellite which will map the world in a higher resolution than the public has ever seen before. Tomorrow, DigitalGlobe expects to send its WorldView-3 satellite into orbit, where it will begin sending images of objects as small as 30cm in size. It will zoom up to space from Vandenberg …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Aug 2014
Neil and Anita's fried breakfast on Saturday

Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty

As world events point increasingly to a nasty and very imminent end, the good of folk of Blighty are now thinking: bugger it, why don't I eat a fat boy fried breakfast rather than the poncy muesli my Californian chums subsist on? New stats have revealed that the English breakfast is surging in popularity. At least, that's (sort …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Aug 2014

Yosemite Siri? Apple might plonk chatty assistant on your desktop - report

A newly granted patent has revealed Apple's plans to free its mobile assistant Siri from the iPhone and unleash it upon desktops. In a lengthy patent entitled "Intelligent digital assistant in a desktop environment", the fruity firm outlined its plans to get fanbois talking to their computers. To activate the desktop Siri, …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Aug 2014

Facebook slurps PrivateCore - 'cos your selfies need locking up

Facebook has just bought out the security firm PrivateCore in a bid to keep your selfies that little bit safer. Although the exact terms of the deal have not been publicly announced, Facebook has promised to incorporate the smaller firm's tech into its own stacks. Joe Sullivan, Facebook’s chief security officer, said: "I’ve …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Aug 2014
Sheep

Gov.uk's broadband boast: Superfast fibre piped to 1 million Brits

More than one million British people now have access to high speed broadband as Westminster's plan to deliver access to "superfast" speeds to 95 per cent of the UK by 2017 gathers pace. Some 40,000 people are being handed the keys to a speedier internet every single week, the government has announced. Some £1.7bn will be spent …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Aug 2014

Ex-Apple man Sam Sung - for it is he - sticks namebadge on eBay

Life must have been pretty tough as the only Apple employee named after the fruity firm's arch enemy. But don't feel too bad for Sam Sung of Vancouver, Canada, because he's set to make a small fortune simply by selling his Apple name badge. Auctioning my old Apple Sam Sung business card on eBay for charity http://t.co/ …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Aug 2014

London cops cuff 20-year-old man for unblocking blocked websites

City of London cops have ventured outside the M25 to cuff a suspect in Nottingham under the suspicion that he runs a "proxy server" which allows users to access 36 verboten sites. Officers from City Police's Intellectual Property Crime Unit (PIPCU) said they'd arrested and questioned a 20-year-old man suspected of running an " …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014
Dixons Carphone Warehouse

Newly spawned Dixons Carphone leaps onto LSE as £12bn sales org

The shotgun wedding between hard-pressed consumer biz Dixons Retail and Carphone Warehouse was consummated today as the £12bn turnover borg started trading on the London Stock Exchange. The merger between Dixons Retail, owner of Currys and PC World, and Carphone Warehouse was first announced back in May. Dixons Carphone - …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014

Brit kids match 45-year-old fogies' tech skill level by the age of 6

The British children of today – who have rarely heard the chirping of a dial-up connection – have matched middle-aged folks' tech ability by the age of six, new Ofcom research has claimed. A report (PDF) produced by Blighty's communications regulator has sketched a topsy-turvy image of connected Britain, where kids are way more …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014
Spam

This is your chance to help Blighty beat off moneymen's spambots

It used to be said that age knows no class. Perhaps the same can now be said of spam advertising. Some annoying message or other must have reached the gilded timeline of someone at the Financial Conduct Authority, because it has launched a bid to clamp down on the uniquely irritating social media promotions industry – at least …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Aug 2014
Kung Fu Rider

China rips Apple out of govt IT mail-order catalogue – report

Apple's most popular products are set to vanish from Chinese officials' boardrooms after the People's Republic reportedly struck them off the official procurement list. Ten gizmos including the iPad, iPad Mini, MacBook Air and MacBook Pro can no longer be purchased for use by the Chinese state bureaucracy, Bloomberg reported …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Aug 2014
Telephone

BT FON fail: Telco CHARGES customers for FREE Wi-Fi usage

Telecoms giant BT has admitted charging a number of customers for the traffic racked up by its FON services, which uses a portion of each customer's Wi-Fi connection to provide hotspots accessible to the public. A few weeks ago The Register reported that bungling cops in the grim north of England didn't understand the idea …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Aug 2014

Robot snaps on yellow RUBBER GLOVES, preps to invade Canada

Most right-minded humans are nervous that robots might one day decide to wipe us all off the face of the planet. But might the flesh-and-blood creatures be a threat to the silicon species? That's the question posed by the creators of a new mechanised hitch-hiker, which is set to travel from coast to coast across Canada on a …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Aug 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Surfing the web from Android? We KNEW it – sorry, iOS fanbois

Google's Android has slipped past Apple's iOS to become the top mobile operating system for the first time, in terms of online usage. Figures from Net Marketshare show that devices powered by Android were detected browsing the web more than iPhones, iPads, and iPod Touch devices running iOS throughout July 2014. Net Marketshare …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Aug 2014
Bus jam

EE rolls out London bus pay-by-bonk app – only fandoids need apply

Riding a London bus is about as pleasurable as trying to saddle a twitchy rhino that has decided to charge at the slightest perceived threat. But the business of bus-based travelling through an ancient city designed with horse and cart in mind might be set to get a teeny bit easier - at least for EE customers with NFC-enabled …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Aug 2014

END your Macbook SHAME: Convert it into a Microsoft SURFACE

So you've spent well over a grand on a new Macbook Pro. How do you fancy spending even more than that amount, all over again, to mod your laptop so it resembles a, er, Microsoft Surface? Judging by the the cult-like Apple worship practised by covens of fanbois and gurlz, we'd reckon that few people would take up the offer of …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Aug 2014