Feeds
The Register Columnists

Jasper Hamill

Contact Mail Follow Twitter RSS feed
Elephant

SMELL YOU LATER, LOSERS – Dumbo tells rats, dogs... humans

Few people can fail to notice that an elephant's appendage is way bigger than a dog's, but it may come as more surprise that it can use it better too. Boffins have named elephants as the top sniffers in the animal kingdom, possessing twice as many functional olfactory receptors (ORs) genes as hounds. ORs help organisms detect …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jul 2014

FRIKKIN' LASERS could REPLACE fibre-optic comms cables

You may think that a waveguide is something issued to junior members of the royal family ahead of their first pomp parade through London. But it's actually a new communications technique that makes the air behave like a fibre-optic cable. Howard Milchberg, professor of physics and electrical and computer engineering at the …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014

Apple fanbois SCREAM as update BRICKS their Macbook Airs

Apple fanbois have erupted in rage after an update bricked their Macbook Airs. On the official Apple support forum, dozens of angry customers claimed that the latest software update for the 2011 Macbook Air had gone horribly wrong. Some posters said their Airs had been totally borked by the update, while others reported …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

Yorkshire cops fail to grasp principle behind BT Fon Wi-Fi network

Bungling cops in Yorkshire have called upon householders to lock down their Wi-Fi after mistaking a free hotspot user for a piggybacking connection thief. A Reg reader from Heckmondwike claims that a local busybody called the police after seeing him access the internet using BT's Fon service, which allows customers to access …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014

Games industry set for $5 BILLION haircut, warn beancounters

The computer games industry is set to see its revenues slip from $46.5bn this year to $41bn by 2019, a new study from Juniper Research has claimed. That's about a 12 per cent drop over the next five years. A new market forecast probing the PC and console games market also predicted that consoles will lose market share, with 50 …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jul 2014

Apple orders huge MOUNTAIN of 80 MILLION 'Air' iPhone 6s

Apple has told its suppliers to build a mighty mountain of 70 to 80 million new iPhone 6s. The new Jesus handset is expected to come in two sizes and arrive this year. This means that the number of brand-new iPhones could match the population of Germany, which is inhabited by slightly more than 80 million souls, and totally …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jul 2014

Cave pits, ideal for human bases, FOUND ON MOON

Moon-gazing boffins have found many steep-sided, shaft-like pits which might have caves or overhangs that would be ideal locations for lunar bases of the future. Using images beamed back from NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO), scientists identified more than 200 holes with steep sides. Most of the pits were found in …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Jul 2014
Apple Contact Hero shot

Financial wizardess joins Apple board, air of coolness noticeably diminishes

The founder of investment fund BlackRock has joined the Apple board of directors, perhaps giving a tantalising clue to the fruity firm's interest in entering the financial services arena. Susan L Wagner, founding partner and director of BlackRock, has replaced Bill Campbell, who was the longest-serving member of the board and …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jul 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

Cops nab suspect using CREEPY facial recog system

British cops used a new facial recognition system to snare a shoplifting suspect whom they say was automatically identified due to his resemblance to criminal relatives, The Register has learned. In a development that may strike fear into members of well-known underworld families, Leicestershire plod told us a new system called …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jul 2014

Stephen Elop: 'Hello there' (and goodbye to 12,500 of you)

How would you like to be told that you may have lost your job? Probably not with an email which started with the phrase: "Hello there." But that's how Microsoft mobile boss Stephen Elop began his missive to the Microsoft Devices Group, burying the news about killing off Nokia X in par four, and the bit about which operations in …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jul 2014

Ex-despot Noriega sues: How dare Call of Duty make me look like, like...

Brutal former Central American dictator Manuel Noriega is mimicking a Hollywood starlet by launching legal proceedings against a computer games designer for using his likeness in a popular franchise. Noriega is suing Activision for "blatant misuse, unlawful exploitation and misappropriation for economic gain" of his image in …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jul 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Apple 5S still best-selling smartphone 8 months after launch

Bad news Samsung: the Apple iPhone 5S is still the hottest-selling phone in the world, according to stats from the beanies at Counterpoint. The numbers for May covering 35 countries, show Apple's flagship mobe bucking expectations by outselling handsets from all competitors some eight months after it launched. But Tom Kang, …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jul 2014

When the robot rebellion comes, this Jibo droid will BORE you to death

Most writers and filmmakers agree that robots in the home is a pretty bad idea because at some point they will try to kill you. But the developers of a new household droid called Jibo want you to forget all those visions of nasty old Arnold Schwarzenegger worn as a fleshy cloak by an inimical droid assassin, because robots can …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jul 2014

Mine's 0.2 inches bigger than yours (says future fanboi of his iWatch)

The Taiwanese trade press has claimed Tim Cook's iWatch will come in two sizes: one with a 1.6-inch screen, the other with a 1.8-inch display. of course Apple still hasn't even confirmed the existence of the tick-tocker... Super tough sapphire glass may not even come as standard and may only be offered on the bigger, more …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jul 2014

'We screwed up' sighs Sony bigwig after gaming portals collapse in DNS cock-up riddle

A couple of Sony's websites disappeared from the internet on Tuesday, leading some angry console fiddlers to accuse the Japanese giant of forgetting to pay its domain name bills. The websites www.soe.com and www.SonyOnline.net serve as portals to Sony Online Entertainment's gaming world, allowing players to take part in games …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jul 2014
Apple HQ 2, credit Cupertino Council

Piece of Apple close to smashing CRAZY 2012 share price record

Apple stock has soared to a high unmatched since the glory days of 2012, with analysts predicting its price could continue to skyrocket and reach record levels. The price of a fruity share is now sitting at $96.45. When you adjust that to take into account the recent one-to-seven stock split, that's not far off from the record …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jul 2014

Samsung threatens to cut ties with supplier over child labour allegations

Samsung has threatened to cut ties with a key supplier after the latter was accused of hiring children to work in its factory. Last week, Child Labor Watch (CLW) claimed the Chinese firm Dongguan Shinyang Electronics employed underage workers during busy periods - and then paid them a pittance. Now Samsung has announced it will …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jul 2014
Predator drone, credit Wikipedia

DRONE WARS: Killers, spies? Nah, they're IDEAL for snapping pics of hot models

Drones have been used for various tasks including killing opponents from afar, spying on enemy combatants or even carrying bomb-disarming kit. But a group of researchers from MIT and Cornell University have dreamed up a much more peaceful role for the snap-happy autonomous robots. Boffins have suggested that drones could serve …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jul 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Phab-u-less: Huge MONSTER iPhone 6 not due until 2015 – claim

An analyst has now foretold that the iPhone 6 – an enlarged "phablet" style device – will not be sold until next year. That's the same chap who warned that Apple's long-rumored iWatch won't appear until Christmas this year. Most industry watchers expected the 5.5-inch model to be revealed along with the standard 4.7-inch one in …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014
International Space Station

Chow rocket blasts off for ISS: Awww, freeze-dried ice cream AGAIN

A private space company has launched its third mission: an Antares rocket sending a freighter packed with food – among other things – to the International Space Station. Orbital Sciences Corp's unmanned Cygnus spacecraft lifted off from Virginia's eastern shore yesterday strapped to a 13-storey high Antares rocket, which is …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014

iWatch 'due November'... Y'all know what time it is? Now you do

The mythical Apple iWatch will, presumably, tell the time, but that doesn't mean the iThing maker will be punctual in unveiling it, claims an analyst. Ming-Chi Kuo, Apple watcher, has predicted the mass production of the smartwatch – whose existence has yet to be confirmed by Apple – will not begin until November. He claimed …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014
Apple's invitation to its September 11 event in China

Apple: No, China. iPhone is NOT public enemy number 1

Chinese state media have been warning that Apple's iPhone is a threat to national security, despite the firm's denials*. Why? It's all down to its creepy ability to track users and transmit data back to its Cupertinian overlords. A report broadcast on CCTV claimed the iPhone's "Frequent Locations" function was dangerously …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014

'Apple is TERRIFIED of women’s bodies and women’s pleasure' – fresh tech sex storm

Apple is weathering a sexism storm after its website apparently refused to engrave a raunchy poem on a newly ordered iPhone. Enraged that the California giant allowed penis, dick and similar words to be engraved on mobes – but, crucially, not clit – men and women in favour of equal opportunities have given Apple boss Tim Cook a …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jul 2014
Eve in the Garden of Eden talking to a rather angry God on Snapchat

'Green' Apple: We've smudged a bit off our carbon footprint

With a product refresh rate that sees it chomp through natural resources like a chubby child demolishing a Mars bar, it's difficult to see Apple as a particularly environmentally friendly organisation. Nonetheless, the fruity firm has said it is committed to making its operations as green as humanly possible. In its latest …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014

Thought PCs were in the toilet? They're STILL eating Apple's lunch

Apple is losing ground to rival PC manufacturers as shipments plummet in the key US market, according to a report from IDC. The fruity firm's share of the US PC market slipped from 10.9 per cent last year to 10 per cent in the second quarter of 2014, while its year-on-year growth shrank by 1.7 per cent. These dismal figures …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014
Google_Hummingbird

Google Ventures opens new fund in London

For schoolkids, being labelled disruptive was a sure fire sign that teacher didn't like you. But when Google uses that word about your business, it's time to start thinking about buying that yacht. Now the Chocolate Factory has announced a new investment fund based in London which is dedicated to rooting out Europe's most " …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014

Think Google Glass is creepy? Wait until it READS YOUR MIND

Think you couldn't look any sillier than a Glasshole? Prepare to be proven wrong by a British startup that asks you to add a forehead-dimpling biosensor to the dorky spectacle that is Google headgear. The Shoreditch-based firm This Place unveiled its MindRDR app yesterday. The app connects Glass with an electroencephalogram (EEG …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014
The ITMugs Surf for Porn mug

Google went behind our backs and really HURT US, squeal upset porn kingpins

The porn industry has hit back at Google after its decision to ban smutty sites from using its main advertising platform. The search engine's new policy on porn came into force last week and effectively bans any grumble movie makers from promoting their sites using Adwords, a service which puts paid-for advertising next to …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014
Buzz Aldrin, spaceman. Pic NASA

Man FOUND ON MOON denies lunar alien interface

Space ace Buzz Aldrin has admitted glimpsing a UFO during his journey to the Moon – but insisted it was not an extraterrestrial visitation. The second man on the Moon answered questions during a Reddit Ask Me Anything (AMA) session, touching on missions to Mars, aliens, and the dubious accuracy of the film Gravity. Aldrin's AMA …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014

Dammit, Foxconn: Where's our 1 MILLION-strong robot ARMY?

Foxconn's much-vaunted robot army will do little more than insert screws, polish parts and assist human workers, it has been claimed. A report in the Taiwanese press has suggested that "Foxbots" are nowhere near sophisticated enough to replace real people in Foxconn's factories, which have been the scene of worker suicides. …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014
Photo of Jonathan Ive

'Ribbed' for your pleasure: Jony Ive unveils NAKED IPHONE

Apple has patented a method of building an all-glass device which could herald the arrival of a see-through iPhone. It has been granted a patent called "Fused glass device housings" which describes a technique of fusing glass pieces together in a way that makes the whole structure strong enough to withstand an impact. As well …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014
SOURCE:  http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=1412135

Down-with-the-kidz Apple stuffs up with wild 'funness' claims

Apple appears to have made a shocking admission: that one of its endlessly upgraded product lines is boring. On its website, Apple said its new iPod Touch was "engineered for funness", a sarcastic term used by the yoof – generally as an adjective and/or an abstract noun... A Reg reader pointed out the fruity faux pas and …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014

'iPhone 6' survives FRENZIED STABBING. Truly, it is the JESUS Phone

A bloke on the internet has attempted to stab to bits what he describes as an Apple "iPhone 6" - but was stopped dead by the gizmo's frontispiece, perhaps fashioned of wondro-material "sapphire glass". Marques Brownlee, a Youtube tech reviewer who goes under the name MKBHD, managed to get his hands on two dummy models of what he …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Jul 2014

iWatch watch: Apple tags sales bod from luxury Swiss watch firm

Apple hasn't officially announced the arrival of its iWatch, but you don't have to be Nostradamus to see what's on its way. Fanbois have now been given the the clearest indication so far that a wrist-borne computer is set to issue forth from Cupertino, following the hiring of a head honcho from Swiss watchmaker TAG Heuer. …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Jul 2014

iPhone user SHAMEGASM: 'I beg of you', delete sex app from my purchase list

The developer of a vibrator app has told guilty self-touching fanbois that it cannot wipe away their sinful past. Users flocked to Apple's App Store to write five-star reviews of a free app called iVibe Massager. Only it seems they were not basking in post-orgasmic bliss, but wallowing in shame. They tried to barter with the …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Jul 2014
Punk-styled girl with piercing gazes at an apple

Future Apple gumble could lock fanbois out of their own devices

Apple has filed a patent for a new location-sensitive security system which could leave fanbois' fumbling to get into their iDevices if they travel to unusual locations. The patent application describes "location-sensitive security levels and setting profiles based on detected location". It's basically describes a system which …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014

Facebook pays half a billion dollars for firm that slaps ads on videos

Facebook has paid an estimated half a billion dollars to buy a video advertising firm called LiveRail. Facebook has not officially announced how much it paid for Liverail, but estimates have ranged between $400m and $500m - a huge chunk of change by anyone's standards. There was no word on the cash to stock mix that FB coughed …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014

Apple fanbois to talk at the iWatch, INSPECTOR GADGET style – report

The next generation of fanbois will walk down the street speaking into their wristwatches, Tim Cook has suggested. Speaking to UBS analyst Steven Milunovich, Cook hinted at Apple's interest in voice messages. In a note sent to clients that was seen by Fortune magazine, Milunovich recalled: “When we visited with Tim Cook, he …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014
Xbox_baby

AVG: We need laws to stop biz from tracking our kids

The antivirus giant AVG will today call for legislative action to prevent data-grabbers from spying on children. Yuval Ben-Itzhak, the antivirus firm's chief technical officer, will speak at the Child Internet Safety Summit to call for limits on data-gathering on children's devices. AVG is well known for its antivirus software …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Jul 2014
A boat full of Fail

Travel website Hotel Hippo yanked offline after data leaks spotted

Travel website Hotel Hippo is closed for business after an infosec bod spotted gaping security flaws which could allow hackers to snoop through customers' booking details. Information security consultant Scott Helme contacted The Register to discuss the security lapse, which could come in very handy for burglars who want to see …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jul 2014

Golf bloke to Richard Branson: Get on board the future bus, where there's 'NO WEATHER'

George Orwell once said the future would be like a "boot stamping on a human face – forever". It turns out that he was totally wrong. There won't be any stamping, but there'll certainly be shoes. Some of these will be 3D-printed, whilst others will be able to beam data back to Richard Branson – or rather a squad of number- …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Jul 2014
ISIS Islamists in Iraq

REVEALED: The sites blocked by Great Firewall of Iraq

The Register has obtained a list of the websites which are still blocked by the Iraqi government despite its decision to lift partial and total internet blockades around the country. Although the Ministry of Communications appears to have gone back on its decision to restrict access to Facebook and Twitter, ISPs have been told …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Jul 2014

Shrew'd boffins spot TINY ELEPHANT species

Take a look at this critter. No, it's not a mouse, it's not a rodent at all ... This creature is more closely related to an elephant than a shrew. Photo of the mouse Boffins from California Academy of Sciences have found a new, round-eared species of elephant shrew, which are known colloquially as a sengi. The newly …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jun 2014
Marissa Meyer

Hey, Marissa Mayer: Flexi working time is now LAW in UK. Yahoo!

Britain has today introduced new flexible working laws which could finally free beleaguered wage-slaves from the misery of office-based working. At least, that's the promise of the new laws, which allow people to ask their bosses for compressed hours, part time work or any other arrangement which allows them a few precious hours …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jun 2014
Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos

Amazon Fire: Who needs a WAREHOUSE when you have a global ADS PLATFORM?

Amazon could use its new Fire phone to help fight its way into countries where it doesn't - or can't - operate warehouses, says an industry analysis firm. That's the opinion of an analyst at tech beancounter Canalys who believes Amazon's new Fire phone offers the opportunity to roll out a global advertising system of potentially …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jun 2014
Siri cell phone response

Devs: Fancy a job teaching Siri to speak the Queen's English?

Apple looks set to give Siri a few language lessons after advertising for experts in a variety of hitherto non-fruity dialects. According to its job listings, Apple is looking to employ a number of Siri language engineers to help roll out its personal assistant across the world. "Come and join the team that teaches Siri how to …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Jun 2014
Google protest at Moscone Center

Occupy Google: Protesters attack ad giant as I/O gets underway

Google's I/O dev conference is traditionally a time when the company basks in the love of its community: but some other Bay Area residents have been making their displeasure with the Chocolate Factory known in a very vocal fashion. Occupy Google protestors "Give me a G..." A group working under the hashtag Occupy Google …

27 Data-Slurping Facts BuzzFeed Doesn't Want You To Know!

When Buzzfeed first began to offer the world a constant free stream of inane listicles, cat pics and funny fail GIFs, it seemed too good to be true. Yet it turns out that the world's biggest content aggregator isn't just shiny and happy – it's curious too. In fact, according to a digital marketer, Big Buzzfeed is watching us all …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Jun 2014
Nest Labs' The Nest

Google Nest slurps your life into the Matrix? The TRUTH

Thought your home was safe from corporate surveillance? Think again, because thermostat-maker Nest is set to share your personal data with its mother company, Google. Nest Labs has admitted to the Wall Street Journal that personal assistant system Google Now will be among the first non-Nest apps to connect to Nest sensors and …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jun 2014

Dutch firm passes the world's first e-spliff to the left hand side

Do you want to be as stoned as Bob Marley but keep on jammin into your middle age? Then you're in luck, because a Dutch firm is riding high after introducing the world's first ever electronic doobie. The iSpliff is designed by Dutch firm E-Njoint BV and allows no-smoke-tokers to inhale liquid cannabis, using a similar method to …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jun 2014