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Jasper Hamill

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Vince Cable unleashes SELF-DRIVING CAR TERROR on Blighty

Driverless cars are set to hit the streets of Blighty by next January as Westminster prepares new rules to allow autonomous vehicles on public highways. Currently, driverless cars are only allowed to travel on private roads. New laws will allow them out to motor across the streets and thoroughfares of Great Britain. Business …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jul 2014

Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?

For many people in the world, 600 quid is a lot to spend on a phone. But for some, it's way too little. So at last, a firm called Brikk has offered the 0.01 per cent a way to get their fruity fix while still hammering home the message they are considerably richer than you. For those with a spare £4,955 ($8,400), they've made …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Jul 2014

Warm, perhaps ALIEN LIFE-bearing water gushers FOUND ON MOON of Saturn

Boffins have now counted 101 different geysers spewing material from the surface of Enceladus, one of Saturn's icy moons. The discovery in data collected from NASA's Cassini probe reinforces the theory that a vast ocean is sloshing about beneath the cold surface. Some consider this to be the most promising location known for …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
Mozilla's new CEO Chris Beard

Mozilla: We're keeping the Beard – Brendan Eich successor now permanent pick

Firefox-maker Mozilla has made Chris Beard's CEO role permanent. Beard had been interim chief when anti-gay-marriage JavaScript inventor and Mozilla.org co-founder Brendan Eich vacated the role in April. In a blog post, Mozilla said: "Over the years, Chris has led many of Mozilla’s most innovative projects. We have relied on his …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
Hitachi glass storage

Apple 'sapphire glass' fronts for iPhone 6? It's NEWS to SUPPLIERS

Several Apple analysts have speculated over the past few months that the next iPhone and perhaps even the near-mythical iWatch will use super-tough sapphire glass in some capacity. But that claim has been thrown into question after the industrial analysis firm TrendForce claimed a tiny issue – not actually having the sapphire …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014

Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

You've heard of the tiger that came to tea, but what about the leopard that came to lessons? That's exactly what techies-in-training at the Indian Institute of Technology in Bombay had to deal with when a big cat invaded their campus. After a leopard was spotted by the metallurgy department last week, the local forestry …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Jul 2014
Dr Dre Beats Solo

Forgot About Dre? Not us. Euro bods give nod to Apple and Beats deal

The European Commission has given its official blessing to the $3bn acquisition by Apple of headphone manufacturer Beats. After considering whether the link-up fitted in with merger regulations, the antitrust regulators decided the two firms were sufficiently different that there was no concerns about competition. In a …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0

Russia: There is a SPACECRAFT full of LIZARDS in orbit above Earth and WE control it

It's all systems gecko up in space, after the Russians finally regained control of a spacecraft packed full of horny lizards. The world's eyes anxiously turned towards Russia last Friday as it was revealed its space scientists had lost control of the satellite Foton-M4, which was on a mission to shoot the world's first zero- …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014

Swell. Apple buys 'Pandora-for-talk-radio' app... for $30 meeellion

Can you hear that message crackling over the airwaves? No? Perhaps you need to stop using that rusty old radio and replace it with a gleaming iThing from Apple. That could be an option soon if rumours that Apple is preparing to buy "Pandora-for-talk-radio" service Swell are to be believed. The fruity firm is thought to have …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
Scotland

'Blow it up': Plods pop round for chat with Commonwealth Games tweeter

Blundering Scottish cops have interrogated a prolific tweeter hours after he tweeted a few innocent comments about the Commonwealth Games. Neil Cooper, who tweets under the handle @DasBomber, wrote a number of tweets during the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games week that appeared to attract the attentions of the lawmen …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
Siats eating an iguanodontian and intimidating early, small-bodied tyrannosauroids.

Asteroid's DINO KILLING SPREE just bad luck – boffins

The dinosaurs would have survived the asteroid that smashed into Earth and wiped them all out had it not been for the rather poor – from their point of view – timing with which it arrived. The demise of these scaly – or indeed, even feathery – overlords may not have happened if the space rock hit a few million years later or …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014
By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0

Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!

Russian boffins have lost control of a satellite containing sex-crazed geckos - like there's any other kind - sent on a mission to hold a zero gravity orgy. By Frank Wouters, licensed under CC 2.0 Not the gecko who went aboard the Foton-M4...This is one Phelsuma madagascariensis from Madagascar. Pic by Frank Wouters, licensed …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Jul 2014

Pinterest diversity stats: Also pale and male (but not as much as Twitter)

Pinterest is generally used to store images of polka dot knickers, cute animals and bags of artisan pear drops. What might come as a shock to its users is that Pinterest is actually run by the same “stale, pale and male” clique often seen at the rudder of other big Silicon Valley. The latest tech firm to release its diversity …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Jul 2014
The White House according to Google Maps

Apple smacked with privacy sueball over Location Services

A woman has brought a class-action lawsuit for "invasion of privacy" against Apple over claims surrounding the firm's use of Location Services to track iPhone users and store data on their movements. The class action suit was filed by a consumer named Chen Ma on behalf of an estimated 100 million affected users. She wants Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Jul 2014

Cyber-robbers hack European Central Bank's... website

The European Central Bank has written to 20,000 people to warn them their personal data may have been stolen during a huge cyber-heist. ECB said crooks had attempted to extort money from the bank after hacking into a database containing email addresses, phone numbers and addresses of people who had registered to attend events. …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jul 2014

Internet of Stuff my Pockets: Investors plough 1 BEELLION dollars into IoT

The "internet of things" – the rebranding of good old machine-to-machine comms – has investors chucking ludicrous amounts of cash at firms who hope to get our gadgets talking to each other. Now new research from analyst StrategyEye has found that investors have bunged more than $1bn at companies associated with the internet of …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jul 2014
Elephant

SMELL YOU LATER, LOSERS – Dumbo tells rats, dogs... humans

Few people can fail to notice that an elephant's appendage is way bigger than a dog's, but it may come as more surprise that it can use it better too. Boffins have named elephants as the top sniffers in the animal kingdom, possessing twice as many functional olfactory receptors (ORs) genes as hounds. ORs help organisms detect …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Jul 2014

FRIKKIN' LASERS could REPLACE fibre-optic comms cables

You may think that a waveguide is something issued to junior members of the royal family ahead of their first pomp parade through London. But it's actually a new communications technique that makes the air behave like a fibre-optic cable. Howard Milchberg, professor of physics and electrical and computer engineering at the …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014

Apple fanbois SCREAM as update BRICKS their Macbook Airs

Apple fanbois have erupted in rage after an update bricked their Macbook Airs. On the official Apple support forum, dozens of angry customers claimed that the latest software update for the 2011 Macbook Air had gone horribly wrong. Some posters said their Airs had been totally borked by the update, while others reported …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

Yorkshire cops fail to grasp principle behind BT Fon Wi-Fi network

Bungling cops in Yorkshire have called upon householders to lock down their Wi-Fi after mistaking a free hotspot user for a piggybacking connection thief. A Reg reader from Heckmondwike claims that a local busybody called the police after seeing him access the internet using BT's Fon service, which allows customers to access …
Jasper Hamill, 23 Jul 2014

Games industry set for $5 BILLION haircut, warn beancounters

The computer games industry is set to see its revenues slip from $46.5bn this year to $41bn by 2019, a new study from Juniper Research has claimed. That's about a 12 per cent drop over the next five years. A new market forecast probing the PC and console games market also predicted that consoles will lose market share, with 50 …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jul 2014

Apple orders huge MOUNTAIN of 80 MILLION 'Air' iPhone 6s

Apple has told its suppliers to build a mighty mountain of 70 to 80 million new iPhone 6s. The new Jesus handset is expected to come in two sizes and arrive this year. This means that the number of brand-new iPhones could match the population of Germany, which is inhabited by slightly more than 80 million souls, and totally …
Jasper Hamill, 22 Jul 2014

Cave pits, ideal for human bases, FOUND ON MOON

Moon-gazing boffins have found many steep-sided, shaft-like pits which might have caves or overhangs that would be ideal locations for lunar bases of the future. Using images beamed back from NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO), scientists identified more than 200 holes with steep sides. Most of the pits were found in …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Jul 2014
Apple Contact Hero shot

Financial wizardess joins Apple board, air of coolness noticeably diminishes

The founder of investment fund BlackRock has joined the Apple board of directors, perhaps giving a tantalising clue to the fruity firm's interest in entering the financial services arena. Susan L Wagner, founding partner and director of BlackRock, has replaced Bill Campbell, who was the longest-serving member of the board and …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jul 2014
London BMW 5-Series police car

Cops nab suspect using CREEPY facial recog system

British cops used a new facial recognition system to snare a shoplifting suspect whom they say was automatically identified due to his resemblance to criminal relatives, The Register has learned. In a development that may strike fear into members of well-known underworld families, Leicestershire plod told us a new system called …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jul 2014

Stephen Elop: 'Hello there' (and goodbye to 12,500 of you)

How would you like to be told that you may have lost your job? Probably not with an email which started with the phrase: "Hello there." But that's how Microsoft mobile boss Stephen Elop began his missive to the Microsoft Devices Group, burying the news about killing off Nokia X in par four, and the bit about which operations in …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Jul 2014

Ex-despot Noriega sues: How dare Call of Duty make me look like, like...

Brutal former Central American dictator Manuel Noriega is mimicking a Hollywood starlet by launching legal proceedings against a computer games designer for using his likeness in a popular franchise. Noriega is suing Activision for "blatant misuse, unlawful exploitation and misappropriation for economic gain" of his image in …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jul 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Apple 5S still best-selling smartphone 8 months after launch

Bad news Samsung: the Apple iPhone 5S is still the hottest-selling phone in the world, according to stats from the beanies at Counterpoint. The numbers for May covering 35 countries, show Apple's flagship mobe bucking expectations by outselling handsets from all competitors some eight months after it launched. But Tom Kang, …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Jul 2014

When the robot rebellion comes, this Jibo droid will BORE you to death

Most writers and filmmakers agree that robots in the home is a pretty bad idea because at some point they will try to kill you. But the developers of a new household droid called Jibo want you to forget all those visions of nasty old Arnold Schwarzenegger worn as a fleshy cloak by an inimical droid assassin, because robots can …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jul 2014

Mine's 0.2 inches bigger than yours (says future fanboi of his iWatch)

The Taiwanese trade press has claimed Tim Cook's iWatch will come in two sizes: one with a 1.6-inch screen, the other with a 1.8-inch display. of course Apple still hasn't even confirmed the existence of the tick-tocker... Super tough sapphire glass may not even come as standard and may only be offered on the bigger, more …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jul 2014

'We screwed up' sighs Sony bigwig after gaming portals collapse in DNS cock-up riddle

A couple of Sony's websites disappeared from the internet on Tuesday, leading some angry console fiddlers to accuse the Japanese giant of forgetting to pay its domain name bills. The websites www.soe.com and www.SonyOnline.net serve as portals to Sony Online Entertainment's gaming world, allowing players to take part in games …
Jasper Hamill, 16 Jul 2014
Apple HQ 2, credit Cupertino Council

Piece of Apple close to smashing CRAZY 2012 share price record

Apple stock has soared to a high unmatched since the glory days of 2012, with analysts predicting its price could continue to skyrocket and reach record levels. The price of a fruity share is now sitting at $96.45. When you adjust that to take into account the recent one-to-seven stock split, that's not far off from the record …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jul 2014

Samsung threatens to cut ties with supplier over child labour allegations

Samsung has threatened to cut ties with a key supplier after the latter was accused of hiring children to work in its factory. Last week, Child Labor Watch (CLW) claimed the Chinese firm Dongguan Shinyang Electronics employed underage workers during busy periods - and then paid them a pittance. Now Samsung has announced it will …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jul 2014
Predator drone, credit Wikipedia

DRONE WARS: Killers, spies? Nah, they're IDEAL for snapping pics of hot models

Drones have been used for various tasks including killing opponents from afar, spying on enemy combatants or even carrying bomb-disarming kit. But a group of researchers from MIT and Cornell University have dreamed up a much more peaceful role for the snap-happy autonomous robots. Boffins have suggested that drones could serve …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Jul 2014
A fake iPhone with electric shock capabilities

Phab-u-less: Huge MONSTER iPhone 6 not due until 2015 – claim

An analyst has now foretold that the iPhone 6 – an enlarged "phablet" style device – will not be sold until next year. That's the same chap who warned that Apple's long-rumored iWatch won't appear until Christmas this year. Most industry watchers expected the 5.5-inch model to be revealed along with the standard 4.7-inch one in …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014
International Space Station

Chow rocket blasts off for ISS: Awww, freeze-dried ice cream AGAIN

A private space company has launched its third mission: an Antares rocket sending a freighter packed with food – among other things – to the International Space Station. Orbital Sciences Corp's unmanned Cygnus spacecraft lifted off from Virginia's eastern shore yesterday strapped to a 13-storey high Antares rocket, which is …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014

iWatch 'due November'... Y'all know what time it is? Now you do

The mythical Apple iWatch will, presumably, tell the time, but that doesn't mean the iThing maker will be punctual in unveiling it, claims an analyst. Ming-Chi Kuo, Apple watcher, has predicted the mass production of the smartwatch – whose existence has yet to be confirmed by Apple – will not begin until November. He claimed …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014
Apple's invitation to its September 11 event in China

Apple: No, China. iPhone is NOT public enemy number 1

Chinese state media have been warning that Apple's iPhone is a threat to national security, despite the firm's denials*. Why? It's all down to its creepy ability to track users and transmit data back to its Cupertinian overlords. A report broadcast on CCTV claimed the iPhone's "Frequent Locations" function was dangerously …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Jul 2014

'Apple is TERRIFIED of women’s bodies and women’s pleasure' – fresh tech sex storm

Apple is weathering a sexism storm after its website apparently refused to engrave a raunchy poem on a newly ordered iPhone. Enraged that the California giant allowed penis, dick and similar words to be engraved on mobes – but, crucially, not clit – men and women in favour of equal opportunities have given Apple boss Tim Cook a …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Jul 2014
Eve in the Garden of Eden talking to a rather angry God on Snapchat

'Green' Apple: We've smudged a bit off our carbon footprint

With a product refresh rate that sees it chomp through natural resources like a chubby child demolishing a Mars bar, it's difficult to see Apple as a particularly environmentally friendly organisation. Nonetheless, the fruity firm has said it is committed to making its operations as green as humanly possible. In its latest …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014

Thought PCs were in the toilet? They're STILL eating Apple's lunch

Apple is losing ground to rival PC manufacturers as shipments plummet in the key US market, according to a report from IDC. The fruity firm's share of the US PC market slipped from 10.9 per cent last year to 10 per cent in the second quarter of 2014, while its year-on-year growth shrank by 1.7 per cent. These dismal figures …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014
Google_Hummingbird

Google Ventures opens new fund in London

For schoolkids, being labelled disruptive was a sure fire sign that teacher didn't like you. But when Google uses that word about your business, it's time to start thinking about buying that yacht. Now the Chocolate Factory has announced a new investment fund based in London which is dedicated to rooting out Europe's most " …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014

Think Google Glass is creepy? Wait until it READS YOUR MIND

Think you couldn't look any sillier than a Glasshole? Prepare to be proven wrong by a British startup that asks you to add a forehead-dimpling biosensor to the dorky spectacle that is Google headgear. The Shoreditch-based firm This Place unveiled its MindRDR app yesterday. The app connects Glass with an electroencephalogram (EEG …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014
The ITMugs Surf for Porn mug

Google went behind our backs and really HURT US, squeal upset porn kingpins

The porn industry has hit back at Google after its decision to ban smutty sites from using its main advertising platform. The search engine's new policy on porn came into force last week and effectively bans any grumble movie makers from promoting their sites using Adwords, a service which puts paid-for advertising next to …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Jul 2014
Buzz Aldrin, spaceman. Pic NASA

Man FOUND ON MOON denies lunar alien interface

Space ace Buzz Aldrin has admitted glimpsing a UFO during his journey to the Moon – but insisted it was not an extraterrestrial visitation. The second man on the Moon answered questions during a Reddit Ask Me Anything (AMA) session, touching on missions to Mars, aliens, and the dubious accuracy of the film Gravity. Aldrin's AMA …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014

Dammit, Foxconn: Where's our 1 MILLION-strong robot ARMY?

Foxconn's much-vaunted robot army will do little more than insert screws, polish parts and assist human workers, it has been claimed. A report in the Taiwanese press has suggested that "Foxbots" are nowhere near sophisticated enough to replace real people in Foxconn's factories, which have been the scene of worker suicides. …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014
Photo of Jonathan Ive

'Ribbed' for your pleasure: Jony Ive unveils NAKED IPHONE

Apple has patented a method of building an all-glass device which could herald the arrival of a see-through iPhone. It has been granted a patent called "Fused glass device housings" which describes a technique of fusing glass pieces together in a way that makes the whole structure strong enough to withstand an impact. As well …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014
SOURCE:  http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=1412135

Down-with-the-kidz Apple stuffs up with wild 'funness' claims

Apple appears to have made a shocking admission: that one of its endlessly upgraded product lines is boring. On its website, Apple said its new iPod Touch was "engineered for funness", a sarcastic term used by the yoof – generally as an adjective and/or an abstract noun... A Reg reader pointed out the fruity faux pas and …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Jul 2014

'iPhone 6' survives FRENZIED STABBING. Truly, it is the JESUS Phone

A bloke on the internet has attempted to stab to bits what he describes as an Apple "iPhone 6" - but was stopped dead by the gizmo's frontispiece, perhaps fashioned of wondro-material "sapphire glass". Marques Brownlee, a Youtube tech reviewer who goes under the name MKBHD, managed to get his hands on two dummy models of what he …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Jul 2014

iWatch watch: Apple tags sales bod from luxury Swiss watch firm

Apple hasn't officially announced the arrival of its iWatch, but you don't have to be Nostradamus to see what's on its way. Fanbois have now been given the the clearest indication so far that a wrist-borne computer is set to issue forth from Cupertino, following the hiring of a head honcho from Swiss watchmaker TAG Heuer. …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Jul 2014