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Jasper Hamill

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Discovery time for 200m WONDER MATERIALS shaved from 4 MILLENNIA... to 4 years

Yale University boffins have devised a new way of identifying super strong metallic glass alloys that will "drastically" increase the discovery rate of the "potentially revolutionary" materials. Scientists are currently rushing to classify various complex alloys known as bulk metallic glasses (BMGs) from a a "vast compositional …
Jasper Hamill, 15 Apr 2014
Picture of a Hong Kong scout

Be prepared... for your Scouts-loving sprog to become tiny spin doctor

Scout Leaders are forever telling their youthful charges to be prepared for anything. But judging by a list of the new badges designed to reflect the modern age, new-school scouts had better be prepared for days spent working as corporate spin doctors and nights focused on whittling down their carbon footprint. The Scouts have …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Apr 2014

Half of Twitter's 'active users' are SILENT STALKERS

You would be forgiven for thinking that Twitter users don't know when to shut up, but in fact the opposite is actually true. New data has revealed that some 44 per cent of the world's 974 million Twitter accounts have never even sent a tweet. The figures come from Twopcharts, which tracks activity on the microblogging service, …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Apr 2014

Want a free Bosch steam iron? You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD

Bosch have invited British punters to commune with the spirit world in order to claim a free steam iron. Anyone who buys a Bosch WAP28360GB or WAQ243D0GB washing machine at Currys is eligible to claim a free steamer, as long as they agree to hand over a small wodge of personal information. One of the questions asks customers …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Apr 2014

Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys

How would you celebrate the 40th anniversary of Playmobil? Make a block booking, obviously. Leaving aside the fact that joke probably refers more to their minifig mates, El Reg is delighted to see that the toy is celebrating its 40th anniversary. Our love of the tiny happy figurines is longstanding and cannot be rationally …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014

Apple is IMMUNE from Heartbleed, it says. But don't check if it's true

Apple has reassured fanbois that its products have not been affected by the apocalyptic Heartbleed vulnerability. The OpenSSL bug has been terrifying the tech world all week, but apparently no one at Cupertino is that bothered about it. After taking a few days to check its security, the fruity firm joined other companies in …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014

Icahn, but Iwont: Carl the investor pest ends war with eBay

Carl Icahn has finally made peace with eBay after withdrawing his call for the auction site to divorce from its partner Paypal. The meddlesome investor has spent the last few months rudely demanding the spin off of eBay's payment service and asking for two of his aides to be put on the firm's board. After a barrage of open …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014
Apple's solar array in Maiden, North Carolina

So you invent a wireless network using LEDs, what do you do next? Add solar panels. Boom

Ingenious Scottish boffins have invented a solar-panel-powered version of their data networking kit that uses light to shift bits wirelessly. The team, based at the University of Edinburgh, first called its technology D-Light, short for data light, and its existence was revealed exclusively by your humble correspondent during a …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Apr 2014
Bush according to Sky News

Spy-happy Condoleezza Rice joins Dropbox board as privacy adviser

Dropbox has been hit with a firestorm of criticism after announcing that Iraq war architect Condoleezza Rice has joined its board. The cloud-based file-sharing service said it was "honored to be adding someone as brilliant and accomplished as Dr. Rice to our team". However, the internet has lit up with anger over the decision, …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Apr 2014
Terminators

Who wants a ROBO-BUTLER? Google and pals do – and they've just put $2m towards it

Google has placed a bet on a robotics company that is working to create "services" robots for use in hospitals, care homes or hotels. Mountain View's investment arm, Google Ventures, handed over an undisclosed sum of money to startup Savioke, which is headed up by Steve Cousins, former CEO of PR2-maker and robotics pioneer …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Apr 2014
Grannote fujitsu laptop notebook elderly old users

Apple to flush '£37bn' down the bog if it doesn't flog cheapo slabtops

A senior JPMorgan analyst has urged Apple to seize a $63bn (£37bn) opportunity by flogging a hybrid laptop-tablet device running iOS. Equity research analyst Rod Hall said the fruity firm was missing out on a huge market by failing to produce a cheap-ish mongrel laptop priced between $500 and $1,000 (£300 and £600). The …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Apr 2014

'Monstrous' Apple kicked us off iAd, claimed we are its RIVAL – Brit music upstart

Apple has been accused of hobbling an up-and-coming British firm by booting it off the iAd advertising platform. Bloom FM, a Spotify-style music streaming service, claimed Apple issued the iAd ban because it now regards the London-based company as a rival. The Register understands that Apple wrote to Bloom today and claimed it …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Apr 2014
Steve Ballmer

Which sweaty exec dreamt up Office for iOS? Ballmer, Ballmer, Ballmer

You wouldn't expect Steve Ballmer to shout "iPad, iPad, iPad" at his staff, but that's exactly what the perspiring madman might have yelled ahead of the release of Office for iOS. Youtube Video According to members of Microsoft's iPad development team, Bill Gates' excitable protégé personally pushed through the release of …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Apr 2014
Speed gun cop

Jack the RIPA: Blighty cops ignore law, retain innocents' comms data

British cops are abusing the right to snoop on communications data by holding information on innocent people for far too long, a report from the Commissioner for Interception has found. Sir Anthony May, the commissioner, wanted to counteract the "general relatively uninformed fear" that shadowy government agencies were snooping …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Apr 2014
Raspberry Pi RISC OS logo

Raspberry Pi to serve up bite-sized modules for bulk-buying biz bods

Do you think $30 is too much to pay for a computer? You're in luck, because Raspberry Pi is set to release super small circuit boards for a fraction of the price – although they'll need to be plugged into a custom motherboard. Their small size – 67.6mm x 30mm – makes them ideal for consumer electronics and sensor devices – …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Apr 2014

Apple to protect your gently roasting rear with 'iTanning' system

Apple's new iWatch will come fitted with an ultraviolet light detector to stop fanbois and fangurlz from scorching themselves in the hot summer sunshine, an analyst has predicted. Blayne Curtis, a chip analyst with Barclays, was quoted by a Barrons' blogger as saying the UV sensor would be installed to help health-conscious …
Jasper Hamill, 08 Apr 2014
Samsung flexible curved TV

Rumour: Next Apple iThing to feature 65-inch screen. Four-limb multitouch, anyone?

Apple is rumoured to have ordered some 65-inch LED panels, which some say might be used to build a huge new iTelly. According to voluble Korean analysts, an unnamed firm is working with Cupertino to produce the epically large screens. “The company is making 65-inch organic light-emitting diode sample panels for Apple’s iTV in …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Apr 2014
World View's balloon in space

Google's SWOLLEN WINDBAGS circle PLANET, dispensing INTERWEBS

With a name like Project Loon, you would expect Google's scheme to be a bit bonkers, but the Chocolate Factory's madcap plan to bring internet connectivity to remote areas using balloons appears to have paid off after one of the devices circumnavigated the globe in just 22 days. Project Loon is the name for Mountain View's drive …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Apr 2014

Siri set to rival Windows beauty Cortana after Apple eats Novauris

Apple's personal assistant Siri is more than two years old, so you'd think it was high time for its parents to cut the umbilical cord. Now, however, fanbois' need to keep their fruity friend permanently connected to the internet could be ending after Apple bought a British firm called Novauris, which specialises in voice …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Apr 2014
Monty Python foot UHDTV

Artists install Monty Python silly walk signs in Norwegian town

A Norwegian town has reminded denizens that a normal gait is preferable to a strange one after Swedish revolutionaries installed a pair of silly walk signs. An art group put two street signs inspired by Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks on either side of a zebra crossing. "It's just for fun. There's no deep thought behind …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Mar 2014
Google Glass

Play Mario using just your EYES as Google Glass gets JavaScript

There are many reasons to hate Google Glass, ranging from the accusation that it's an evil surveillance device to the perfectly reasonable suggestion it's terribly ugly. But you might also have been annoyed that it didn't feature JavaScript. Youtube Video Now at least one of the many concerns about Glass have been resolved …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014
Sheep

Live in the middle of nowhere? CONGRATS. Some of you can pay EE for 4G

The denizens of 12 farflung towns across the United Kingdoms received a bit of good news today after EE continued its rollout of 4G. A total of 187 towns across the UK are now covered by EE's 4G, with the latest well-connected places including world-class conurbations like Macclesfield, Burnley and Bridgend. Olaf Swantee, chief …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014
Dizzy ZX Spectrum screenshot

Brit game devs WILL get tax relief for, er, EastEnders Game and Legend of Slough

Brussels has given its blessing to a Westminster scheme which will grant generous tax breaks to small video game production firms which pass a controversial "cultural test". The European Commission launched an enquiry into the government's tax plans last year because it didn't think the booming games industry really needed a …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014
Video

Hot, young under-25s: Lonely slab strokers who shun TV

The next generation of millennial kids are a lonely group of slab-fondlers who would rather watch films and movies alone in their bedrooms, it has been claimed. According to a survey from Deloitte, teens and people in their twenties have ditched the telly and now spend more time watching stuff on their smartphones, computers or …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Mar 2014

Molyneux: Working at Microsoft is 'like taking antidepressants'

Legendary game producer Peter Molyneux has claimed that working on Microsoft is like being dosed up on antidepressants. The Populous creator launched a bizarre attack on the corporate safety net offered to Microsoft workers – claiming that life at an indie developer is more creative. Molyneux freed himself from Redmond's grasp …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014
Russia

Putin and pals dump Apple's iPads for Samsung slabs... over security concerns

The Kremlin has ditched its iPads over fears that they would not withstand US snooping and replaced them with Samsung fondleslabs. Telecoms minister Nikolai Nikiforov said Sammy's gizmos were "specially protected devices that can be used to work with confidential information". "Some of the information at government meetings is …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014
Steve Jobs doll

Original iPhone dev team was 'shockingly small' - Apple engineer

A former Apple engineer has revealed key details of the process behind the design of the iPhone. In a rare interview, senior software engineer Greg Christie described a frenzied creative process and hinted that Steve Jobs was the boss from hell. Jobs approached Christie and his team to asked them to get involved in a top secret …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014

Spooks vs boffins: MIT bods say they've created PRISM-proof encryption

The cleverest clogs of MIT have squared up to the NSA after claiming to have developed a PRISM-proof encryption system. Dubbed Mylar, the spook-bane allows devs to build web applications which are protected from attackers, even if they have access to the server that stores the software. Its creators were upset that anyone who …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Mar 2014
Grannote fujitsu laptop notebook elderly old users

Returning a laptop to PC World ruined this bloke's credit score. Today the Supreme Court ended his 15-year nightmare

A dad whose credit rating was "annihilated" over a laptop he bought in 1998 has today won an epic legal fight to clear his name. Richard Durkin's 15-year nightmare began when he walked into a PC World store in Aberdeen, Scotland, to buy a £1,449 notebook. He specifically asked for a computer with a modem. A sales assistant …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014
Progress 44 taking off, launched by a Soyuz rocket

US-Russia Soyuz 'nauts STUCK IN SPACE after ISS dock fail

The three cosmonauts on board the Soyuz spacecraft are stuck in the space slow lane after a delay to their planned six-hour trip to the International Space Station. They will now arrive at the ISS almost two days later than expected after a critical 24-second engine thruster burn that would have kept the team on course failed …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014
Emojis from Apple's beta of iOS 6

Apple vows to add racially diverse EMOJIS after MILEY CYRUS TWITTER outrage

Apple has vowed to tackle the lack of racial diversity in its emojis and will work with the Unicode Consortium to make the annoying little images more politically correct. MTV Act contacted Apple to ask them to make sure the emojis were more diverse. Currently, the human emojis are mostly pinkish. This will not do, roared MTV's …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014

Stop fondling that slab and shag, says lover rubber-glover

It used to be said that where there's muck, there's brass - and never has that phrase been truer than in the world of condom sales. Durex is a company which wants people to have as much sex as possible, as long as they buy a few more rubber johnnies to circumvent the unfortunate baby-making and disease-spreading aspects of the …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Mar 2014

BOYCOTT FIREFOX, rage gay devs as Mozilla appoints JavaScript daddy as CEO

A pair of gay developers have launched a boycott of Firefox in protest against the Mozilla Foundation's decision to appoint a CEO who appears to be an opponent of same sex marriage. Mozilla co-founder and Javascript creator Brendan Eich was awarded the top job yesterday. Hampton Catlin, creator of Wikipedia Mobile and CSS …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Mar 2014

Apple hires ex-SENATE staffer for added WASHINGTON POWER

Apple has hired a veteran Washington lobbyist in an apparent attempt to boost its influence in the seat of American power. Amber Cottle will now be the fruity firm's top lobbyist after leaving her post as democratic staff director for the Senate Finance Committee. Apple has spent a lot of time in Washington recently, with Tim …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Mar 2014
frustration_anger_irritation_annoyance pain

Stop skiving: Computers can SEE THROUGH your FAKE PAIN

Canadian boffins have designed a computer program that can recognise the signs of real pain on a person's face more accurately than a human being. The clever system is able to tell when human beings are faking agony, a development which could prove invaluable to football referees dealing with melodramatic players. However, the …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Mar 2014
Bletchley Park Manor House, photo: Gavin Clarke

Bletchley boffins go to battle again: You said WHAT about Colossus?

The National Museum of Computing has launched another bombing raid during its long war of attrition against the Bletchley Park Trust. In a letter to The Telegraph, trustees of TNMoC said it had been moved by the Trust's "provocative" statement "implicitly questioning the ownership" of the rebuild of the famous Colossus …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014

Apple to switch HUMAN iPhone-juicer-fiddlers with ROBOTS – report

Apple is preparing to replace the worker drones on its iPhone battery production line with robot replacements. According to industry sources in Taipei, Apple will automate its battery production later this year. It has already automated the manufacture of iMacs and Mac Pros. Younger Chinese workers are becoming less and less …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014
Toilet

How to Poo on a Date wins odd book title of the year

Getting a date is hard enough to begin with. So what happens if cruel nature calls when things are just starting to get romantic? That's the question posed and answered by a tome titled How To Poo On A Date by Mats & Enzo, which has just won the 36th annual Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. The book achieved 30 …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014
Angus Highland cow

Wearable tech for HORNY COWS: Biz slurps £3m for bovine arousal detectors

A firm which designs wearable tech for cows is celebrating after raising more than £3m to help fund its global expansion. Silent Herdsman has been handed the golden bull by a group of investors including Scottish Equity Partners, Albion Ventures and the Scottish Investment Bank. Its technology uses a "decision-support platform …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Mar 2014

Eight hour cleansing to get all the 'faggots' and 'bitches' OUT of Github

A small army of politically correct nerds will gather in London this weekend to launch a mission to "clean up" source code hosted by GitHub. A group calling itself Ethical Code claimed the platform has become a hub for, er, gits who insist on peppering their work with nasty words that have the potential to shock and offend. At …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Mar 2014
Back of iPhone 5

Pegatron goes on hiring spree as iPhone 6 release date approaches

Taiwanese tech outfit Pegatron is reportedly preparing to open a new factory in China to build the iPhone 6. The new factory is said to be opening on the outskirts of Shanghai, according to Reuters. Foxconn – aka Hon Hai Precision Industry Co. – is also likely to start building the new iPhone, although it is not known which …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Mar 2014

MtGox allows users to see a picture of their money, but not have it

Bitcoin exchange MtGox has finally allowed thousands of concerned customers to view their balances, but not to withdraw the digital funny money. On its website, MtGox said it would let users look at their accounts as long as they were happy not to touch. "This balance confirmation service is provided on this site only for the …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Mar 2014

Crap turnover, sucky margins: TV is a 'terrible business' – Steve Jobs

Fanbois hoping to upgrade their Apple streaming set-top box to a fully fledged Apple TV set will have been disheartened by revelations in a new book claiming Steve Jobs did not support building an iTelly. According to former WSJ journo Yukari Iwatani Kane's book Haunted Empire: Apple After Steve Jobs, the fruity führer …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Mar 2014
Back of iPhone 5

iPhone 6 FEELS your heat, wetness... and it'll TELL Apple – report

A Chinese Apple analyst has claimed the next iPhone will be fitted with sensors which can detect pressure, humidity and temperature. In a post on her Weibo page, ESM-China's chief analyst Sun Chang Xu said top-ranking fruity sources had told her about Cupertino's plans. Google provided the following translation of Sun's post …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Mar 2014

They ACCUSED him of inventing Bitcoin. Now, Nakamoto hires lawyer to CLEAR his name

The man who Newsweek named as the inventor of Bitcoin has hired a lawyer in a bid to clear his name. Dorian Satoshi Nakamoto of Temple City, California, has released a statement in which he claimed to be so skint that he couldn't even afford an internet connection. He "unconditionally" denied the Newsweek report. Seeing as the …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Mar 2014
President Obama takes selfie at Nelson mandela's funeral

Apple patents the super-soaraway selfie system of the future

Apple has embarked on a mission to allow fanbois to take the best quality mobile phone selfies in the history of humanity. As well as a new section in the iTunes store specifically dedicated to "Sharing Selfie" apps which allow fanbois to share pictures of their ugly mug, the fruity firm has patented a system to allow them to …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Mar 2014
A shot taken with the iPhone 5c

iOS 8 screencaps leak: Text editor, dictaphone and 'tips' on the way

The first screenshots of iOS 8 have leaked online after being posted on the Chinese microblogging service Weibo. Although Apple have not officially confirmed whether the images are real, web whisperers certainly think they are for real. Apart from Healthbook, which is presumably a health app, the new additions to iOS 8 are …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Mar 2014
Apple Mac Pro

Apple flops out latest OS X Mavericks beta, hopes sound+graphics sorted

Apple has rolled out a brand new beta version of Mavericks to devs in the hope they will test its updated graphics and audio drivers. The new version of Mavericks is numbered 10.9.3 (13D17) . It was first seeded to developers earlier this month, but this latest iteration is a proper pre-release build. Mavericks has proven …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Mar 2014

FANBOIS' EYES ONLY: United Airlines offers FREE MOVIES on iOS kit

High-flying fanbois will soon be able to use their iPhone, fondleslab or laptop to watch free video content on United Airlines flights. Apple and United have struck a deal which will allow users of iStuff – running iOS 7 – to watch 50 movies and almost 200 TV shows free of charge. However, fandroids shouldn't get any ideas just …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Mar 2014
Yahoo! buss

Will Yelp help 'Yahoo!' compete with Google? Search us...

Yahoo! has hooked up with Yelp in a deal that will see the world's third favourite rummage engine add local listings to its search results. The purple palace described the hook-up as a "five star partnership" and said it was "thrilled" to be working with Yelp. "At Yahoo, we’re always looking to build great partnerships to …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Mar 2014