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Jasper Hamill

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Beware Brit cops bearing battering rams. Four nabbed over Trojan claims

British cops have arrested four people suspected of using Trojans to illegally take control of computers. The arrests were made as part of a international operation led by Europol which aimed to clamp down on the criminal use of Remote Access Trojans (RATs). These malware nasties are capable of taking command of a target's …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Nov 2014

CIA crypto-king offers new 'clock' clue to crack Kryptos code

The man who built a cryptographic sculpture for the CIA has provided a second clue to help crack its infamously difficult code. Standing in a courtyard inside the CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, the last part of the Kryptos sculpture has remained unsolved for almost 25 years. Now Jim Sanborn, its creator, has given a one …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Nov 2014

Apple bitchslaps iPhone rival Xiaomi: World No 1? That's BIG TALK

Apple has declared war on its Chinese smartphone rival Xiaomi after execs from the two firms locked horns during a public event. Bruce Sewell, Apple's general counsel and senior vice president of legal and government affairs, appeared alongside Xiaomi founder Lei Jun at the World Internet Conference. The Apple exec might have …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Nov 2014
Bus

All ABOARD! Furious Facebook bus drivers join Teamsters union

Facebook's shuttle bus drivers have voted to join the Teamsters union – as anger grows over the pay disparity between moneybags engineers and cash-strapped service workers. The unhappy drivers work for Loop Transportation, which has a contract to ferry Mark Zuckerberg's staff to and from San Francisco, the East Bay and the …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Nov 2014

What a Mesa: Apple vows to re-use titsup GT sapphire glass plant

Apple has vowed to protect jobs in Mesa, Arizona, and told city leaders it will not walk away from its stricken sapphire glass factory. The future of the entire city of Mesa looked deeply uncertain after Apple ally GT Technologies filed for bankruptcy, shutting down the factory and axing 890 jobs. Now Cupertino has quietly …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Nov 2014

Has your STARFISH been DRIBBLING awful SLIME? Scientists now know WHY

American scientists have identified a mysterious seagoing virus which has caused millions of suffering starfish to "melt" into slime, strewing awful fluids all over the place. Boffins were baffled when they first saw the effects of the gruesome underwater epidemic. First an infected starfish's arms would fall off, before the …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Nov 2014

Sealed with a kiss: Er, 80 MILLION BACTERIA

Boffins have estimated that a sexy snog could transfer as many as 80 million bacteria every time a couple locks lips. A short smooch generally feels exciting for the humans taking part, but it's even more thrilling for the tiny bugs who take the chance to embark upon an exodus into another person's body. Some 700 types of …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Nov 2014

You know where Apple Pay is getting used a LOT? Yes - McDonalds

Half of all McDonald's US touch purchase transactions are now made using Apple Pay, the fast food giant has announced. You'd think Apple fans would be more likely to buy trendy organic nosh at Whole Foods than walk under the Golden Arches to buy a supersize meal. But the iColytes of Cupertino are seemingly willing to do both. …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Nov 2014
by http://twitter.com/Thomas_Glaser

Jony Ive: Apple isn't here to make money. And students shouldn't use computers so much

Cupertino design don Jony Ive has claimed that Apple is not out to make money - even though it does happen to be the most valuable company in the world. Speaking at an event at London's Design Museum last night, Ive also said that bad design was "offensive", and criticised design students for using, um, computers. "We've tried …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Nov 2014
Assassin's Creed: Unity

Assassin's Creed bugs shift setting to LSD-drenched 1960s Paris

Shares in the French games developer Ubisoft have dipped after its new game Assassin's Creed: Unity shipped with huge numbers of crippling glitches. Ubisoft's share price has dropped since the game's release on Tuesday, dropping by more than 13 per cent before rallying. Ubisoft is now frantically working on a fix for the …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Nov 2014
Ryanair advert featuring saucy schoolgirl

Japanese boffins build rounders-playing ROBOT SCHOOLGIRL

To our American cousins, it's a manly sport called baseball. But here in old Blighty, much the same game - rounders - is played mainly by schoolgirls*. Whereas in Japan, it's played by robots. A team at the Ishikawa Watanabe Laboratory at the University of Tokyo are developing machines which can perform all the same tasks as a …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Nov 2014
gutenberg_bible2

Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title

Members of the Folio Society have named the Bible as the most important book of all time, with Darwin's On The Origin of Species coming in at a close second place. The literary group commissioned YouGov to survey more than 2,000 British grown-ups and ask them which book they thought was the most valuable to human civilisation. …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Nov 2014

U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND

London's Silicon Roundabout is set to become a Silicon U-Bend as part of new plans to tart up the infamously grubby part of the city. Transport for London has launched a public consultation which will aim to turn this ugly traffic island into a "peninsula". The unprepossessing urban barnacle formerly known as the Old Street …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Nov 2014
Rosetta

WATCH: Rosetta astroboffin TATTOOED with PHILAE from the FUTURE!

With a beard, garish Hawaiian shirt and hideous tattoos, the ESA's Dr Matt Taylor looks more like a hipster hobo than lead scientist on a historic space mission. But in spite of his questionable dress sense, Dr Taylor remains science boffin on the Rosetta mission, which will see the European Space Agency spaceship attempt to …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Nov 2014

MOULDY DICK: France aims to snatch EXPLODING WHALE crown from U.S.

French explosives experts have been put on high alert as officials consider plans to carry out a controlled detonation of a beached whale. The 15-ton beast washed ashore near Montpelier earlier in the month and quickly turned into a stinking and potentially dangerous mound of rotting horribleness. Dead whales are not just a …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Nov 2014

FALL of the MACHINES: How to KILL the Google KARATE BOT, by our expert

Martial artists and ninjas the world over could be forgiven for feeling a little nervous when Google-owned automaton builder Boston Dynamics unveiled a new fighting robot called Atlas. But The Reg can exclusively reveal that this new robot is about as tough as Dale Winton on crutches after our resident kung-fu ninja said …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Nov 2014

ESA sends back PRE-LANDING COMET CLOSE-UPS

The European Space Agency's Rosetta space probe is preparing to make history by dropping a fridge-sized lander on the surface of a comet. ESA has scheduled Philae's detachment from Rosetta for 09:03 GMT on 12 November, and the agency hopes for a landing at 16:02 GMT. But before this pioneering mission concludes, Rosetta has …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Nov 2014
Hangar One at Moffett Field, California - 1999

Consumer group SLAMS NASA for letting Google rent $1bn 'playground'

A consumer watchdog has slammed NASA for signing a whopping $1bn deal that will see a historic airbase turned into Google's space "playground". Mountain View has inked a deal with the space agency which will see it rent Moffett Federal Airfield for 60 years. The massive site is home to the Ames Research Center, where the Kepler …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Nov 2014
The MQ-9 Reaper drone in flight

British drones target ISIS for the first time

The RAF has launched its first drone strikes against Islamic fundamentalists ISIS, marking an escalation of Blighty's air war in Iraq. A British Reaper drone attacked a terrorist encampment near Bayji, north of Baghdad, where militants were planting improvised explosive devices. It then circled the area, providing real-time …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Nov 2014
Artist's rendering of the concave Vdara hotel

Feeling safe in your executive hotel suite, Mr CEO? Well, DON'T

Corporate bosses are coming under attack from a shadowy new group that spreads malware by hijacking the networks of luxury hotels. Kaspersky Labs' Global Research & Analysis Team has issued a warning about an advanced persistent threat designed by a crew called Darkhotel, who target top execs as they relax in plush hotel rooms …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Nov 2014
Peter Sunde

The Pirate Bay co-founder exits jail, now, er, free to eat vegan food

Pirate Bay co-founder Peter Sunde has been set free after spending five months in a Swedish jail. Sunde is better known as Brokep and was collared earlier this year on a Swedish farm. He announced his freedom in the following tweet: My body just got re-united with my soul and mind, the parts of me that matters and that never …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Nov 2014

Online tat bazaar eBay collapses in UK

Online tat bazaar eBay has collapsed in the UK, with intermittent outages affecting people around the country. Users told The Reg that the community forums, messaging facility and the "My eBay page" were crippled. According to Down Detector, the problems started at about 9am this morning. An eBay spokesman told us: "Some users …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Nov 2014

Apple fanbois are 'MENTALLY UNSTABLE' but you still have to 'SERVICE' them

This was the week in which we learned that Apple shop staff have been ordered to "touch" fanbois – even though many the iSlaves appear to hate their customers. Angela Arhendts, who swapped life at Burberry to head up Apple's retail division, said she expected staff to "service" members of the public. "How do you make sure they …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Nov 2014

Brit cops nab six in Silk Road 2.0 drugs sting

British cops have arrested six people suspected of links to the online drugs bazaar Silk Road 2.0. Officers from the National Crime Agency made the arrests over allegations their targets had been selling drugs or working as administrators for the dark web narcotics store. All six suspects have been bailed following a police …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Nov 2014

HOT YOUNG STAR about to GIVE BIRTH, long range images show

Boffins have been left in shock after glimpsing the interstellar equivalent of a teenage pregnancy. Researchers used the Atacama Large Millimeter Array (ALMA) to snap super-high resolution images of a young star in the process of giving birth to a series of planets. The team who took the candid shot were shocked to see such a …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Nov 2014

REVEALED: Apple fanbois are 'MENTALLY UNSTABLE' - iShop staff

Apple iSlaves have joined together to publish a scathing indictment of customers who graze at the fruity firm's retail stores. A number of embittered Apple employees have contributed to a Reddit thread called Confessions of an Apple Store Worker, which was started by an anonymous employee called FruitStandSlave. Apple customers …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Nov 2014
GTA IV

Call of Duty, GTA V DO NOT make YOUTH more VIOLENT

Millions of people are currently preparing to settle down and play the latest versions of Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto. But when it's game over, will they then put down the controller, pick up a weapon and go cause some mischief? Absolutely not, if you believe the findings of a new report exploring the relationship between …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Nov 2014
President Putin doing judo

Russia to ban iCloud.. to PROTECT iPhone fiddlers' pics 'n' sh*t

The Kremlin is set to ban Apple's iCloud as part of plans to throw up a new iron curtain around Russia's digital communications. Anti-data-offshoring laws will come into force on New Year's Day 2015 that require all data generated within Russia to be stored within its borders. Apple's iCloud service has been in the news …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Nov 2014

Google Glassholes haven't achieved 'social acceptance' - report

Google Glass and other smart specs are proving to be a flop with sceptical consumers, the analysis firm Juniper has claimed. Juniper insists the "lengthy time-to-market and lack of a key consumer use case" is to blame for the lack of interest, which we think means that no company has managed to produce enough silicon specs, and …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Nov 2014
Christian Bale is Steve Jobs

iBail: American Psycho actor Christian Bale rejects Steve Jobs role

Batman Begins actor Christian Bale has declined the opportunity to channel the spirit of Steve Jobs and will no longer star in a biopic about the erstwhile Apple supremo. The film has been hit by personnel troubles ever since its inception. Bale is the second high-profile thesp to change his mind about playing the fruity fuhrer …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014

Secrets in Seattle: Apple opening base on Microsoft's doorstep

Apple is hatching plans to open a mysterious engineering facility in Seattle, the home of its sworn blood-rival Microsoft. The fruity firm has posted a number of job adverts looking for software engineers in the city. An Apple apparatchik confirmed the presence of the new office, but declined to say how many people worked there …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014
Apple-1

Got a spare $600k? Then an ancient Apple-1 could be yours

It's clapped-out and so under-specced that sending even the briefest of tweets is impossible. But that won't stop some super rich collector from paying $600,000 for an Apple-1 computer signed by the Cupertino Godhead himself, Steve Jobs. The pre-Mac was built in Jobs' garage before being sold to Charles Ricketts. According to …
Jasper Hamill, 04 Nov 2014

European SPACEMAN exposes EERIE snaps of ISS in Twitter feed

An astronaut has posted a series of eerie images showing the International Space Station after nightfall. Entitled "Spooky Space Station", the creepy shots show the claustrophobia and isolation of life in orbit. They were taken by the German ESA astronaut Alexander Gerst, who is taking part in a six-month mission called Blue …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014
Apple Watch

Apple Watch buyers will feel 'different' after being 'serviced' in spring 2015

What will you be buying your loved one for Valentine's Day next year? Not an Apple Watch, it seems, as this much-anticipated gizmo is now set to be released in the spring of 2015. Apple retail supremo Angela Ahrendts revealed the timing of the release in a leaked video message. In a rather saucy-sounding missive, the former …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014
Cybermen in Dark Water

BBC clamps down on ILLICIT iPlayer watchers

A gang of British licence fee payers have grabbed their virtual pitchforks and marched on the Beeb in protest against its decision to ban iPlayer RSS feeds. The changes are designed to stop naughty viewers from using third-party clients to watch the Beeb. Several Register readers have contacted us and complained about the …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Nov 2014

Trolls pop malformed heads above bridge to sling abuse at Tim Cook

Apple boss Tim Cook has been bombarded with homophobic abuse after revealing his sexuality to the world on Thursday. Cook spoke out yesterday to say he considered "being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me". Trolls, religious nuts and plain old homophobes from the four corners of the internet immediately took to …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

DR LIPS warns: DON'T KISS that NEWT - it's got FLESH-EATING PLAGUE

Planning to snog a frog, a newt or a salamander and turn it into Prince Charming? Well, think again, princess, because a deadly skin-eating fungus is wiping them out across the world. The deadly fungus is called Batrachochytrium salamandrivorans and has already devastated wild populations of fire salamanders in the Netherlands …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

So long, thanks for all the ...er, FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Smug humans tend to think fish are the stupidest of all beasties. But that belief has turned out to be a load of barnacles after boffins revealed the true intellect of our fishy friends. Researchers from the University of Bath joined forces with London's Queen Mary University to work out how zebrafish perceive their deep sea …
Jasper Hamill, 31 Oct 2014

NHS quango fatcats spend £2m tax dosh on iPads and iPhones

Government health chiefs have admitted to spending millions of pounds furnishing bureaucrats with Apple iPhones and fondleslabs. Taxpayers forked out more than £2m to buy iThings for the staff of NHS non-departmental public bodies, which are arms-length government organisations more commonly known as quangos. Dr Daniel Poulter …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014
alertme review energy meter monitor

UK smart meters arrive in 2020. Hackers have ALREADY found a flaw

British consumers could easily hack into controversial new smart meters, allowing them to illegally slash their energy bills, cyber-security experts have warned. The caution came as top White Hall apparatchiks met with energy industry leaders today to discuss plans that will see the the devices installed in every British home by …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014
Apple CEO Tim Cook, 2012

Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'

Apple bossman Tim Cook has come out as gay and has vowed to spend the rest of his life helping to "pave the sunlit path" towards equality and justice. Up until now, Cook's sexuality wasn't so much a secret as an unmentioned truth. He has frequently joined Pride marches and spoken openly about the mistreatment faced by gay people …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014

China set to be buried under mountain of surplus robots, warns biz chap

China has been warned of an approaching robot bubble fuelled by Beijing's desire to massively overdevelop the internal automation market. Worried by sluggish growth and ominous warnings of an imminent slowdown, the Chinese state wants to build an army of robotic workers. It plans to create five robotics "champion" firms which …
Jasper Hamill, 30 Oct 2014

Lawyers mobilise angry mob against Apple over alleged 2011 Macbook Pro crapness

A legal firm has launched a class action against Apple over claims the 2011 MacBook Pro suffered from "random bouts of graphical distortion, system instability and system failures". In the legal complaint, the plaintiffs said the "computer was described by many as a dud and defective from inception". The laptops in question …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

PEAK APPLE: iOS 8 is least popular Cupertino mobile OS in all of HUMAN HISTORY

Half of all fanbois and gurlz have finally installed iOS 8 on their iThings, hammering home the point that Apple's new mobile operating system is much less popular than previous versions. A glance at the Apple developer support page reveals that 52 percent of users have now installed iOS 8 on their iPhone or fondleslab, which …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Apple iPad Air 2

Apple spent just ONE DOLLAR beefing up the latest iPad Air 2

New iPad Air 2 components cost Apple just one dollar more than the previous model, according to the teardown bods at IHS. The no-frills 16 gigabyte Wi-Fi flavour of fruity fondleslab reportedly costs Apple about $275 (about £167), compared to $274 for the first iPad Air. Seeing as the iPad sells for just under £400, this would …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014

Apple to PROTECT YOU from dreaded TROUSER EXPLOSIONS

Apple has patented a fireproof material that could finally banish the misery of mobile phone trouser explosions. All too often, mobes can go pop in a person's pocket, causing hideous burns and ruining a perfectly good pair of trousers to boot. Now Apple has decided to step in and make sure that fanbois' nether regions are safe …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Oct 2014
Ardbeg head distiller Dr Bill Lumsden in his lab

Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth

A Scottish distillery is celebrating the return of the first ever space-matured batch of whisky. Back in 2011, the Islay-based Ardbeg distillery sent several vials of whisky to the International Space Station, where they were spun around the earth at 17,227 mph, orbiting 15 times a day for almost three years. The astronauts up …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Even a broken watch is right twice a day: Not an un-charged Apple Watch

The Apple Watch will require daily charging thanks to its poor battery life, Apple CEO Tim Cook has admitted. The daily maintenance is reminiscent of the bad old days when timepieces needed to be wound up to keep them ticking. Speaking at a live Q+A, the Apple boss said: "We think people are going to use it so much you will end …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

Caption this: CERN needs pic tags. Serious answers only, kids

The super bright minds at CERN have unearthed a massive cache of old photos - and they need your help working out what on earth is going on in some of them. During the first 50 years of its existence, CERN amassed about 250,000 analogue photographs. Some unlucky archivist has been given the job of digitising 120,000 from the …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Oct 2014

HUGE SHARK as big as a WWII SUBMARINE died out, allowing whales to exist

It was the largest shark ever seen on Planet Earth - the size of some World War II combat submarines - but until now no-one really knew whether a stray Megalodon was still lurking somewhere out there in the ocean. But finally swimmers can rest easy today - on this score at least, there are still plenty of regular sharks about - …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Oct 2014