Jasper Hamill

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Man asks internet for $1k for pebbles. INTERNET SAYS YES

Fancy paying someone to start up yet another pebbles-in-your-whisky firm? Well then step this way, because El Reg has discovered a new "disruptive" lifestyle brand which will charge you the earth to put a rock in your grog. A company called Boozestones' eponymous product aims to persuade drinkers to do away with frozen water for …
Jasper Hamill, 03 Dec 2014
Planetoid crashes into primordial Earth

Apple patents NEVERSMASH iPHONE for fumbling fondlers

Apple has filed a patent that could save iPhones from certain death when they crash to the ground. The patent is called "protective mechanism for an electronic device" and allows an iThing to rotate whilst in freefall. When it begins its journey to terminal velocity, the iPhone will be saved by a motor connected to an " …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Dec 2014

Hortonworks falls well short of billion dollar IPO expectations

Open source supremo Hortonworks has announced a rather lacklustre IPO, falling miles short of the billion dollar valuation big data tycoons were hoping for. It hopes to raise $78m by flogging six million shares at a cost of between $12 to $14, which roughly works out to a disappointing market valuation of $659m. Hortonworks …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Dec 2014

Sick of the 'criminal' lies about pie? Lobby the government HERE

Mathematicians have been computing the value of pi for years*, but cooks have struggled to be anywhere near as exact about a certain pastry-based homophone. Now the cream of the culinary world could face the cops unless they stick to new rules about what constitutes a proper pie. A man called Bill T Wulf has launched a petition …
Jasper Hamill, 02 Dec 2014

Dead Steve Jobs to give iPod MP3 evidence from beyond the grave

Steve Jobs will descend from the Genius Bar in the sky to appear as a witness in an antitrust case brought against Apple. The iPhone giant's late cofounder will star in a video deposition in a class-action case relating to the iTunes store. Proceedings will hinge around the fact early iPods only allowed fanbois and gurlz to …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Dec 2014
Happy child at Christmas with a tablet

Amazon DROPS next day delivery amid Cyber Monday MADNESS

Updated Amazon has suspended next day delivery in Blighty after reporting its busiest day on record. This decision could mean the families of last-minute present hunters will go without gifts on Christmas Day, said a Reg source, who says he was told express delivery would not begin until the New Year. Amazon denies this and claims the …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Dec 2014
Apple iPad 3 aka new iPad

APPLE set to Air PLUS-SIZED iPAD – claims mag

Apple is in the final stages of designing a 12-inch iPad as big as a dinner plate, it has been claimed. A Japanese magazine called MacOtakara has published blueprints for a device it called the "iPad Air Plus", which will be a bigger version of the world's most famous fondleslab. It will feature a 12.2-inch display and an A9 …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Dec 2014
Apple iPhone 6 and 6 Plus

Bought an iPhone 6 Plus? Odds are you've binned the iPad

Apple fans are ditching their iPads after buying a new phab-ulous big screened iPhone 6 Plus, a survey has revealed. The mobile reader app Pocket has unveiled research that suggests people who buy mobile phones with large screens no longer spend as much time using their tablets. In a statement which might tickle British readers …
Jasper Hamill, 01 Dec 2014

Randall Munroe: The root nerd talks to The Register

Interview There are a million easy ways to get famous on the internet - or perhaps they're all one way but it's been done a million times. Randall Munroe If you're a budding celeb in search of glory, all you need to do is shoot a sex tape, like Paris Hilton - or maybe do a Miley Cyrus and unleash a vast torrent of semi-clad selfies. …
Jasper Hamill, 29 Nov 2014

Britain's MPs ask Twitter, Facebook to keep Ts&Cs simple

UK politicos have called upon social media firms to simplify their privacy policies and come clean about how they use customers' personal data. The Science and Technology Committee has concluded an inquiry into the terms and conditions users agree to when they sign up for accounts with sites like Twitter or Facebook. It has …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Nov 2014
Pirate Flag

High Court: You've made our SH*T list – corked pirate torrent sites double in a day

The number of blacklisted torrent sites has doubled in Blighty after the High Court blocked a record number of piratical webpages. Blighty's top six ISPs have been ordered to prevent access to 53 torrent services, bringing the total number of banned pages up to 93. New sites on the list include BitSoup, IP Torrents, Isohunt, …
Jasper Hamill, 28 Nov 2014

Oh BOY! The MICKEY MOUSE Apple Watch is no heart-throb

Apple has reached an agreement with Disney that will see Mickey Mouse telling the time on its new Watch device. Anyone who buys the new device will be able to select a number of watch faces, with one featuring the rodent star of 20th century kiddie culture. To satisfy fanbois' furious desire for information on the watch, Apple …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Nov 2014
SEA hack the Independent website

Syrian Electronic Army in news site 'hack' POP-UP MAYHEM

The Syrian Electronic Army has compromised a number of news websites – apparently through DNS redirects via Gigya, a customer identity management platform used by all the sites. The Pro-Assad javascript popup appeared across several websites, including The Telegraph, The Independent, Forbes, Time Out, PC World and The Evening …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Nov 2014
Blade Runner screenshot

Bladerunner sequel might actually be good. Harrison Ford is in it

Harrison Ford will star in the much-anticipated sequel to Blade Runner, director Ridley Scott has confirmed. However, Scott will not direct the follow-up to this iconic film, even though he worked with the original movie's screenwriter, Hampton Fancher, to develop its script. Ford has become something of a cinematic Lazarus …
Jasper Hamill, 27 Nov 2014
Engineers making quantum devices at the Australian National Fabrication Facility at UNSW: Credit: Australian National Fabrication Facility

UK boffins: We'll have an EMBIGGENED QUANTUM COMPUTER working in 5 YEARS

Oxford boffins have vowed to have the largest quantum computer ever made up and running within five years and help Blighty regain its place at the top of the tech world. The government has announced the creation of four "Quantum Technology Hubs" which will collaborate to build a small device called the Q20:20. Sadly, this won't …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Nov 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

Apple’s $700 BEEELLION market cap makes it more valuable than Switzerland

Apple has achieved a record-breaking market capitalisation of $700bn - making it more valuable than Switzerland. The cash-laden fruity firm has now become the most expensive company in human history, after its stock rose to a high of $119.75 yesterday. At its peak during trading yesterday, Apple reached a market cap of $703bn, …
Jasper Hamill, 26 Nov 2014

Mysterious BEAM outside London Googleplex ZAPPED

Vid Workmen are digging up the spot outside Google's London headquarters where a mysterious "beam" once made pedestrians' hair stand on end. Dotted around two freshly dug holes were small signs which said "beware: fibre optic cables" and the remnants of a police cordon. The holes were on the same spot where the odd force was …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Nov 2014

South Londoner wins Reddit MILLIONAIRE not-a-lottery lottery

An anonymous South Londoner has been named as the winner of a pseudo lottery designed to (hopefully) make one Reddit user a millionaire. A Redditor who goes under the name Emphursis was picked from the posters at a sub-Reddit called Millionaire Makers. Other forum folk have been asked to each pledge one dollar to him, in the …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Nov 2014

NEWSFLASH: You may ALREADY have seen Steve Jobs' willy

He's an actor with one of the most famous penises in Hollywood. Now the notoriously well-endowed superstar Michael Fassbender is set to play the tech world's "biggest dick": Steve Jobs. Fassbender is the latest high profile actor to be named as the star of an upcoming biopic about the Apple godhead. He will don the black …
Jasper Hamill, 25 Nov 2014
iPhone that fell from 13,500 feet (source: CNN)

iPhone sales set to PLUMMET: Bleak times ahead for Apple

Tech analyst Ming-Chi Kuo has predicted Apple will face a grim start to 2015 with iPhone sales plummeting by up to a third. Kuo, of analyst outfit KGI Securities, has predicted that iPhone sales will surge ahead of Christmas, reaching a height of a total of 71.5 million units for the fourth quarter. Yet after the Christmas …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Nov 2014

New Snapchat Snapcash service inspires amateur PORN STARS

The advent of Snapchat's new mobile micropayments system, Snapcash, has spawned a new business sector: users who are keen to get paid in cold hard cash for their amateur porn efforts. The Reg has found several wannabe blue movie stars who have offered to expose their most intimate parts in exchange for donations via Snapcash, …
Jasper Hamill, 24 Nov 2014

Beware Brit cops bearing battering rams. Four nabbed over Trojan claims

British cops have arrested four people suspected of using Trojans to illegally take control of computers. The arrests were made as part of a international operation led by Europol which aimed to clamp down on the criminal use of Remote Access Trojans (RATs). These malware nasties are capable of taking command of a target's …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Nov 2014
Kryptos

CIA crypto-king offers new 'clock' clue to crack Kryptos code

The man who built a cryptographic sculpture for the CIA has provided a second clue to help crack its infamously difficult code. Standing in a courtyard inside the CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, the last part of the Kryptos sculpture has remained unsolved for almost 25 years. Now Jim Sanborn, its creator, has given a one …
Jasper Hamill, 21 Nov 2014

Apple bitchslaps iPhone rival Xiaomi: World No 1? That's BIG TALK

Apple has declared war on its Chinese smartphone rival Xiaomi after execs from the two firms locked horns during a public event. Bruce Sewell, Apple's general counsel and senior vice president of legal and government affairs, appeared alongside Xiaomi founder Lei Jun at the World Internet Conference. The Apple exec might have …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Nov 2014
Bus

All ABOARD! Furious Facebook bus drivers join Teamsters union

Facebook's shuttle bus drivers have voted to join the Teamsters union – as anger grows over the pay disparity between moneybags engineers and cash-strapped service workers. The unhappy drivers work for Loop Transportation, which has a contract to ferry Mark Zuckerberg's staff to and from San Francisco, the East Bay and the …
Jasper Hamill, 20 Nov 2014

What a Mesa: Apple vows to re-use titsup GT sapphire glass plant

Apple has vowed to protect jobs in Mesa, Arizona, and told city leaders it will not walk away from its stricken sapphire glass factory. The future of the entire city of Mesa looked deeply uncertain after Apple ally GT Technologies filed for bankruptcy, shutting down the factory and axing 890 jobs. Now Cupertino has quietly …
Jasper Hamill, 19 Nov 2014

Has your STARFISH been DRIBBLING awful SLIME? Scientists now know WHY

American scientists have identified a mysterious seagoing virus which has caused millions of suffering starfish to "melt" into slime, strewing awful fluids all over the place. Boffins were baffled when they first saw the effects of the gruesome underwater epidemic. First an infected starfish's arms would fall off, before the …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Nov 2014

Sealed with a kiss: Er, 80 MILLION BACTERIA

Boffins have estimated that a sexy snog could transfer as many as 80 million bacteria every time a couple locks lips. A short smooch generally feels exciting for the humans taking part, but it's even more thrilling for the tiny bugs who take the chance to embark upon an exodus into another person's body. Some 700 types of …
Jasper Hamill, 18 Nov 2014

You know where Apple Pay is getting used a LOT? Yes - McDonalds

Half of all McDonald's US touch purchase transactions are now made using Apple Pay, the fast food giant has announced. You'd think Apple fans would be more likely to buy trendy organic nosh at Whole Foods than walk under the Golden Arches to buy a supersize meal. But the iColytes of Cupertino are seemingly willing to do both. …
Jasper Hamill, 17 Nov 2014
by http://twitter.com/Thomas_Glaser

Jony Ive: Apple isn't here to make money. And students shouldn't use computers so much

Cupertino design don Jony Ive has claimed that Apple is not out to make money - even though it does happen to be the most valuable company in the world. Speaking at an event at London's Design Museum last night, Ive also said that bad design was "offensive", and criticised design students for using, um, computers. "We've tried …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Nov 2014
Assassin's Creed: Unity

Assassin's Creed bugs shift setting to LSD-drenched 1960s Paris

+Vids Shares in the French games developer Ubisoft have dipped after its new game Assassin's Creed: Unity shipped with huge numbers of crippling glitches. Ubisoft's share price has dropped since the game's release on Tuesday, dropping by more than 13 per cent before rallying. Ubisoft is now frantically working on a fix for the …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Nov 2014
Ryanair advert featuring saucy schoolgirl

Japanese boffins build rounders-playing ROBOT SCHOOLGIRL

To our American cousins, it's a manly sport called baseball. But here in old Blighty, much the same game - rounders - is played mainly by schoolgirls*. Whereas in Japan, it's played by robots. A team at the Ishikawa Watanabe Laboratory at the University of Tokyo are developing machines which can perform all the same tasks as a …
Jasper Hamill, 14 Nov 2014
gutenberg_bible2

Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title

Members of the Folio Society have named the Bible as the most important book of all time, with Darwin's On The Origin of Species coming in at a close second place. The literary group commissioned YouGov to survey more than 2,000 British grown-ups and ask them which book they thought was the most valuable to human civilisation. …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Nov 2014

U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND

London's Silicon Roundabout is set to become a Silicon U-Bend as part of new plans to tart up the infamously grubby part of the city. Transport for London has launched a public consultation which will aim to turn this ugly traffic island into a "peninsula". The unprepossessing urban barnacle formerly known as the Old Street …
Jasper Hamill, 13 Nov 2014
Rosetta

WATCH: Rosetta astroboffin TATTOOED with PHILAE from the FUTURE!

Vid With a beard, garish Hawaiian shirt and hideous tattoos, the ESA's Dr Matt Taylor looks more like a hipster hobo than lead scientist on a historic space mission. But in spite of his questionable dress sense, Dr Taylor remains science boffin on the Rosetta mission, which will see the European Space Agency spaceship attempt to …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Nov 2014

MOULDY DICK: France aims to snatch EXPLODING WHALE crown from U.S.

French explosives experts have been put on high alert as officials consider plans to carry out a controlled detonation of a beached whale. The 15-ton beast washed ashore near Montpelier earlier in the month and quickly turned into a stinking and potentially dangerous mound of rotting horribleness. Dead whales are not just a …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Nov 2014

FALL of the MACHINES: How to KILL the Google KARATE BOT, by our expert

Martial artists and ninjas the world over could be forgiven for feeling a little nervous when Google-owned automaton builder Boston Dynamics unveiled a new fighting robot called Atlas. But The Reg can exclusively reveal that this new robot is about as tough as Dale Winton on crutches after our resident kung-fu ninja said …
Jasper Hamill, 12 Nov 2014

ESA sends back PRE-LANDING COMET CLOSE-UPS

Pics The European Space Agency's Rosetta space probe is preparing to make history by dropping a fridge-sized lander on the surface of a comet. ESA has scheduled Philae's detachment from Rosetta for 09:03 GMT on 12 November, and the agency hopes for a landing at 16:02 GMT. But before this pioneering mission concludes, Rosetta has …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Nov 2014
Hangar One at Moffett Field, California - 1999

Consumer group SLAMS NASA for letting Google rent $1bn 'playground'

A consumer watchdog has slammed NASA for signing a whopping $1bn deal that will see a historic airbase turned into Google's space "playground". Mountain View has inked a deal with the space agency which will see it rent Moffett Federal Airfield for 60 years. The massive site is home to the Ames Research Center, where the Kepler …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Nov 2014
The MQ-9 Reaper drone in flight

British drones target ISIS for the first time

The RAF has launched its first drone strikes against Islamic fundamentalists ISIS, marking an escalation of Blighty's air war in Iraq. A British Reaper drone attacked a terrorist encampment near Bayji, north of Baghdad, where militants were planting improvised explosive devices. It then circled the area, providing real-time …
Jasper Hamill, 11 Nov 2014
Artist's rendering of the concave Vdara hotel

Feeling safe in your executive hotel suite, Mr CEO? Well, DON'T

Corporate bosses are coming under attack from a shadowy new group that spreads malware by hijacking the networks of luxury hotels. Kaspersky Labs' Global Research & Analysis Team has issued a warning about an advanced persistent threat designed by a crew called Darkhotel, who target top execs as they relax in plush hotel rooms …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Nov 2014
Peter Sunde

The Pirate Bay co-founder exits jail, now, er, free to eat vegan food

Pirate Bay co-founder Peter Sunde has been set free after spending five months in a Swedish jail. Sunde is better known as Brokep and was collared earlier this year on a Swedish farm. He announced his freedom in the following tweet: My body just got re-united with my soul and mind, the parts of me that matters and that never …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Nov 2014

Online tat bazaar eBay collapses in UK

Online tat bazaar eBay has collapsed in the UK, with intermittent outages affecting people around the country. Users told The Reg that the community forums, messaging facility and the "My eBay page" were crippled. According to Down Detector, the problems started at about 9am this morning. An eBay spokesman told us: "Some users …
Jasper Hamill, 10 Nov 2014

Apple fanbois are 'MENTALLY UNSTABLE' but you still have to 'SERVICE' them

QuOTW This was the week in which we learned that Apple shop staff have been ordered to "touch" fanbois – even though many the iSlaves appear to hate their customers. Angela Arhendts, who swapped life at Burberry to head up Apple's retail division, said she expected staff to "service" members of the public. "How do you make sure they …
Jasper Hamill, 09 Nov 2014

Brit cops nab six in Silk Road 2.0 drugs sting

British cops have arrested six people suspected of links to the online drugs bazaar Silk Road 2.0. Officers from the National Crime Agency made the arrests over allegations their targets had been selling drugs or working as administrators for the dark web narcotics store. All six suspects have been bailed following a police …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Nov 2014

HOT YOUNG STAR about to GIVE BIRTH, long range images show

Boffins have been left in shock after glimpsing the interstellar equivalent of a teenage pregnancy. Researchers used the Atacama Large Millimeter Array (ALMA) to snap super-high resolution images of a young star in the process of giving birth to a series of planets. The team who took the candid shot were shocked to see such a …
Jasper Hamill, 07 Nov 2014

REVEALED: Apple fanbois are 'MENTALLY UNSTABLE' - iShop staff

Apple iSlaves have joined together to publish a scathing indictment of customers who graze at the fruity firm's retail stores. A number of embittered Apple employees have contributed to a Reddit thread called Confessions of an Apple Store Worker, which was started by an anonymous employee called FruitStandSlave. Apple customers …
Jasper Hamill, 06 Nov 2014
GTA IV

Call of Duty, GTA V DO NOT make YOUTH more VIOLENT

Millions of people are currently preparing to settle down and play the latest versions of Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto. But when it's game over, will they then put down the controller, pick up a weapon and go cause some mischief? Absolutely not, if you believe the findings of a new report exploring the relationship between …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Nov 2014
President Putin doing judo

Russia to ban iCloud.. to PROTECT iPhone fiddlers' pics 'n' sh*t

The Kremlin is set to ban Apple's iCloud as part of plans to throw up a new iron curtain around Russia's digital communications. Anti-data-offshoring laws will come into force on New Year's Day 2015 that require all data generated within Russia to be stored within its borders. Apple's iCloud service has been in the news …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Nov 2014

Google Glassholes haven't achieved 'social acceptance' - report

Google Glass and other smart specs are proving to be a flop with sceptical consumers, the analysis firm Juniper has claimed. Juniper insists the "lengthy time-to-market and lack of a key consumer use case" is to blame for the lack of interest, which we think means that no company has managed to produce enough silicon specs, and …
Jasper Hamill, 05 Nov 2014