Kelly Fiveash

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Kelly Fiveash is the Weekend Editor of The Register.
Queen's Speech 2015. Screen grab from Parliament TV

Queen's Speech: Snoopers' Charter RETURNS amid 'modernisation' push

The first session of the new Parliament was opened by the Queen today and, as expected, a renewed push for a Snoopers' Charter was high on the agenda. Her Majesty said: Measures will also be brought forward to promote social cohesion and protect people by tackling extremism. New legislation will modernise the law on …
Kelly Fiveash, 27 May 2015

O2 craps itself on national Blighty holiday as cabinet minister moans: 'Oi, sort it out!'

Updated O2 customers up and down the UK were left without access to the carrier's mobile service on Bank Holiday Monday, after its network buckled for five hours yesterday evening. Even former Minster of Fun Sajid Javid – who is now Business Secretary under the new Tory government – griped about O2's pisspoor service. He tweeted: No …
Kelly Fiveash, 26 May 2015

NSA bulk phone records slurp to end when law lapses next month – report

Edward Snowden supporters were claiming victory for the privacy of millions of US citizens today, after the Obama administration seemingly decided not to seek a 90-day extension to allow g-men to collect bulk phone records. That surprise move, reported by the Guardian, came following the defeat of the USA Freedom Act in the …
Kelly Fiveash, 23 May 2015
Johnnycab with Arnie. Screen shot from Total Recall

VR rift OPENS UP: Total Recall Technologies hurls lawsuit at Facebook's Oculus

Oculus has been named in a lawsuit from a rival, which claimed the Facebook-owned Virtual Reality outfit's founder broke a confidentiality agreement about its head-mounted display. Hawaii-based Total Recall Technologies' (TRT) complaint was filed (PDF) with the US District Court Northern District Court of California on 20 May. …
Kelly Fiveash, 23 May 2015

Wheely, wheely mad: Petrolheads fume over buggy Formula One app

Furious Formula One fans are fed up with the glitzy motor racing contest's official mobile app, which spews out inaccurate driver information and regularly buckles on customers. Worse still, petrolheads who downloaded the app on to their Android and iOS devices were charged a one-off £26 subscription fee for unlimited access. …
Kelly Fiveash, 23 May 2015

100s of Virgin Media customers hit by handset repair glitch, telco admits

Virgin Media has admitted to The Register that hundreds of its mobile customers were left without their handsets for weeks due to a "glitch" with its repair service. The company has also confessed to us that it was yet to process roughly 100 outstanding repairs for its frustrated subscribers, some of whom have been complaining …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 May 2015
Taylor Swift

Twitter CRAWLS to Google ON ITS KNEES, starts blowing content

Twitter has crawled to Google to get Tweets displayed in the ad giant's search results once again. The micro-blabbing site previously had a deal with Mountain View to provide feeds of tweets directly within its search results. However, that two-year-long agreement ended in July 2011. Now, four years later, it's a different story …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 May 2015
monsters_vs_aliens_648_v2

BT boss in shock 'bigger is better' claim as £12.5bn EE bid heats up

BT claimed on Monday that its planned gobble of EE was a good thing for competition in the UK – despite the fact that such market consolidation would make the former state monopoly more powerful. It called on the UK's competition watchdog to fast track the first stage of its merger probe into its proposed £12.5bn buyout of EE. …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 May 2015
Hungry goat licks lips. Pic: David Goehring

Ofcom: Oi, BT! Don't be greedy – feed dark fibre to your rivals

Britain's communications watchdog wants BT to open up its fibre broadband network to rival telcos. The one-time national telecoms giant responded negatively to Ofcom's proposals, which were floated on Friday. BT claimed that "mandating dark fibre" could "disadvantage" ISPs that do not have the "capability to deploy" the …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 May 2015

Google and Max Mosley settle thrash'n'tickle sex vid spat

Google has struck a private settlement deal with Max Mosley over images that show the ex-Formula One chief engaging in a sadomasochistic sex pantomime. However, videos and photos of the thrash'n'tickle sex sesh were still viewable via Google.co.uk's search engine, at time of writing. The Wall Street Journal reported on Friday …
Kelly Fiveash, 17 May 2015
United Airlines Boeing 757. Pic: Aero Icarus

Feds: Bloke 'HACKED PLANE controls' - from his PASSENGER seat

The FBI has accused an infosec security researcher of hacking into the controls of a United Airlines plane in midair via the inflight entertainment system, causing the aircraft to temporarily fly "sideways". Infosec chap Chris Roberts allegedly made that audacious claim to special agent Mark Hurley of the FBI, who subsequently …
Kelly Fiveash, 17 May 2015
Proton-M preps for take-off on 16 May 2015. Image credit: Roscosmos

KA-BOOM! Russian rocket EXPLODES over Siberia minutes after lift-off

Russia's Proton-M rocket burned up over Siberia this morning just minutes after blast-off, the country's federal space agency has confirmed. Roscosmos said in a statement that the rocket, which had been carrying Mexican satellite MexSat-1, suffered an "abnormal operation of the third stage engine booster" at around nine minutes …
Kelly Fiveash, 16 May 2015
Two upended shopping trolleys in an alleyway. Photo by Cyron, licensecd under CC 2.0

Google fastens buy buttons to paid mobile search results – report

Google is reportedly planning to imminently add "buy" buttons to its mobile search results in an apparent move to compete with online retail giants eBay and Amazon. According to the Wall Street Journal, which appeared to have been briefed by Google, the buttons will pop up on search result pages in a matter of weeks. The …
Kelly Fiveash, 16 May 2015
Smash mash TV ad screen shot

HAHAHA! Go on, HOST YOUR NEWS on FACEBOOK, FOOLS!

Facebook has inked news-hosting deals with nine media outfits, including the BBC and Buzzfeed, in a move to slurp ad revenue from publishers and keep netizens locked into its site for even longer. The Mark Zuckerberg-run company said that its free content ad network would initially offer Apple iOS users of the Facebook app a …
Kelly Fiveash, 13 May 2015
Dog's backside and tail

EEeeeeek, complaints! Ofcom roasts BT-wannabe-spouse

EE was the most moaned-about ISP for the final nine months of 2014, Blighty's communications watchdog Ofcom said this morning. The operator, which awaits regulatory approval for its planned nuptials with telecoms giant BT later this year, was lobbed more customer complaints about its broadband and landline services than any of …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 May 2015
Out Run arcade game cabinet

Snoopers' Charter queen Theresa May returns to Home Office brief

Theresa May has – despite her failure to ram through the Snoopers' Charter under the previous Tory-led Coalition government – once again, been handed the troublesome Home Office brief. Prime Minister David Cameron, whose Conservative Party secured a slim majority in the House of Commons on Friday, has been lightly reshuffling …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 May 2015
Image of 'smiley face' crater photographed by NASA's Messenger Mercury orbiter

BILLION YEAR SECRETS of baking hellworld Mercury UNLOCKED by NASA probe crash

Boffins have discovered that Mercury - closest planet in our solar system to the Sun - has had a magnetic field for nearly four beeellion years. As The Register previously reported, NASA's Messenger spacecraft slammed into the alien world – which is Sol's closest neighbour – late last month. Before its crash landing on the …
Kelly Fiveash, 10 May 2015
Suits you

Astroboffins eyeball MONSTER GAS HALO hugging Andromeda Galaxy

A team of scientists have clocked a huge halo of gas surrounding the Andromeda Galaxy. The astrophysicists, whose research was published – naturally enough – in the Astrophysical Journal (PDF), reckoned the expansive globe of gas stretches about a million light-years from the nearest significant galaxy to Earth. They estimated …
Kelly Fiveash, 09 May 2015
Taylor Swift

Spotify springs bloody leak as losses grow to $197m – report

Spotify's net losses jumped significantly in 2014 to $197m from $68m a year earlier, it has been reported. The Stockholm, Sweden-based music streaming service blamed hole in finances on international expansion, recruiting more staff and product development. According to the New York Times, which cited documents filed in …
Kelly Fiveash, 09 May 2015

'Photof*cket' men manacled, indicted over Photobucket password-protected pic plunder

Two men, who were indicted and arrested Stateside on Friday for allegedly breaching pic-hosting website Photobucket.com, face conspiracy and fraud charges. The suspects, Brandon Bourret, 39, of Colorado Springs, Colorado and Athanasios Andrianakis, 26, of Sunnyvale, California, were cuffed and taken away for questioning, the U.S …
Kelly Fiveash, 09 May 2015

Yow! It's the HOT NEW 'Collections' from Google! Oh wait ... it's a Google+ thing

Google+ has not only, er, joined Twitter in the past few days – it also unveiled a desperate-looking new feature dubbed Collections. The move is Mountain View's latest attempt to create some buzz around its ID-slurping "network thingy", which the ad giant has failed to successfully market as an alternative to Facebook or Twitter …
Kelly Fiveash, 05 May 2015

Stubborn 'won't fix' Google U-turns on Chromecast vid judder twitching-eye blunder

Google has surprised European fans of its Chromecast TV dongle by suddenly acknowledging a screw-up with the vid-streaming device, after effectively stonewalling complaints late last year. As The Register reported at the time, users were griping about an annoying video quirk with the Chromecast, which caused some European users …
Kelly Fiveash, 03 May 2015
Angela Merkel's eyes

Public prosecutor waves big stick at German spies over NSA data slurp claims

Germany was in a tizz this weekend, in the wake of spying allegations that could harm the country's thorny relationship with surveillance of its citizens. Der Spiegel magazine claimed on Saturday that Germany's spook agency BND had exploited data it had allegedly intercepted on behalf of U.S. spies at the NSA. According to the …
Kelly Fiveash, 03 May 2015
David Goldberg. Photograph by Kevin Moloney/Fortune Brainstorm TECH

Husband of Facebook COO, Sheryl Sandberg, dies suddenly

SurveyMonkey boss David Goldberg – the husband of Facebook's chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg – died suddenly on Friday night. Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg said: Dave Goldberg was an amazing person and I am glad I got to know him. My thoughts and prayers are with Sheryl and her family. Robert Goldberg confirmed in a …
Kelly Fiveash, 02 May 2015
Man writing a letter

Welcome to the family ... Microsoft licks nib of Surface pen maker N-trig

Microsoft has scooped up Surface Pro 3 pen maker N-trig, after partnering with the outfit for several years. Rumours that Redmond had bought the PC and tab digi pen vendor first, er, surfaced in February. On Friday, Microsoft finally confirmed the buyout of N-trig, which makes the pen tech for the software giant's Surface Pro 3 …
Kelly Fiveash, 02 May 2015

Facebook policy wonk growls at Europe's mass of data laws

Facebook's Brussels lobbyist Richard Allan took to the pages of the Pink 'Un on Wednesday morning to have a good old moan about "multiple" EU nations digging around the free content ad network's data-slurping biz practices. He complained that the actions of national privacy watchdogs within the 28-member-state bloc posed a …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Apr 2015
Layout of IBM's four superconducting quantum bit device. Using a square lattice, IBM is able to detect both types of quantum errors for the first time. This is the best configuration to add more qubits to scale to larger systems. (Credit: IBM Research)

Big Blue boffins claim quantum computing measurement leap

+Vid IBM has claimed major breakthroughs in quantum computing after boffins in Big Blue's lab demonstrated the ability to simultaneously detect and measure bit-flip and phase-flip quantum errors for the first time. Additionally, they revealed a new, square quantum bit circuit design that, the researchers believe, is "the only …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Apr 2015
Shopping trolley. Pic: Mikey, Flickr

Best Buy bites down hard on Apple Pay fruity bonking deal

Apple has finally convinced Best Buy – a big retail player in the US – to allow its customers to use Cupertino's mobile payment system. Best Buy confirmed the deal in a statement, which was released after Apple's latest earnings report. Stateside customers who carry around iPhone 6 or iPhone 6 Plus handsets can make Apple Pay …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Apr 2015

TURKEY-SIZED 'platypus' T. REX found by kid BAFFLES boffins

Baffled bone boffins are puzzled by the discovery of a diminutive new vegetarian dino in Chile which, they say, was closely related to the infamous meat-eating Tyrannosaurus rex. Chilesaurus diegosuarezi. Image credit: University of Birmingham Chilesaurus diegosuarezi. Image credit: University of Birmingham Specimens of the …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Apr 2015
One Direction's Salt Lake City / West Valley concert in 2013. Image credit: TheMikeRob.Tumblr.com/PicktureThat.com

Hawking hologram comforts One Direction fans with Zayny parallel universe claim

It turns out there's more than one direction One Direction could be heading in, after megaboffin Stephen Hawking comforted fans with the claim that Zayn Malik may still be in the band in a parallel universe. The theoretical physics professor was beamed via hologram from Cambridge, England to the Sydney Opera House in Oz to …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Apr 2015
Office Space

Zucking 'ell! Facebook at Work bloke unfriends Facebook AT WORK

Lars Rasmussen has quit Facebook after nearly five years as director of engineering at the free content ad network. He defected from Google to the Mark Zuckerberg-run company in 2010 in the immediate aftermath of the failure of his wonky Wave project, which he described at the time as being a "little stressful" to try to get off …
Kelly Fiveash, 27 Apr 2015
Dan Fredinburg on Mount Everest. Pic credit: Fredinburg's Instagram page

Google exec and avid climber dies on Mount Everest

One of Google's top privacy wonks was killed by an avalanche on Mount Everest on Saturday. The snowslide was triggered by a massive Nepal earthquake that has reportedly claimed the lives of more than 2,000 people in the region. Dan Fredinburg had worked at Google since 2007 as a product manager, software engineer and the ad …
Kelly Fiveash, 26 Apr 2015
Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Nokia on phone return mutterings: They LIIED. We won't be BAAACK

Nokia has dismissed claims that suggested the company was "currently" planning a big, splashy return to the smartphone business next year. As of the second half of 2016, the Finnish firm will no longer be saddled to a deal it inked with Microsoft – which bought Nokia's devices and services unit in 2014. However, Nokia attacked …
Kelly Fiveash, 26 Apr 2015
Android 5.0 "Lollipop"

Google TUGS Nexus 7-INCHER from its online store

Fandroids may be mourning the sudden death of Google's Nexus 7 slab, after the world's largest ad broker yanked the device from its online shopfront over the weekend. A visit to the Google Store reveals that the tablet has now been axed. Anyone searching for a Nexus 7 will be told that it "is no longer available for purchase …
Kelly Fiveash, 25 Apr 2015
Milky Way stars and planets

Astroboffins mine data in pursuit of lonely, homeless RUNAWAY GALAXIES

Astronomers have observed 11 runaway galaxies wandering aimlessly around in spaaace. The discovery was revealed by star-gazing boffin Igor Chillingarian of Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics (HSCA) and Moscow State University, who was the lead author of a study published in the Science journal on Friday. Scientists dub …
Kelly Fiveash, 25 Apr 2015

Yahoo! Mail! goes! titsup! in! Blighty! due! to! mystery! error!

Updated Yahoo!'s email service tumbled off the interwebs in the past hour when it began spewing out a "temporary error" message to an unknown number of users in the UK. The Purple Palace, however, remained silent about the outage on its official Twitter customer care account. At time of publication, it was not clear how many netizens …
Kelly Fiveash, 25 Apr 2015

Facebook fiddles with News Feed algo. Brace yourself for CONTENTGEDDON

Facebook has modified its News Feed algorithm and warned Facebook Page owners that "post reach and referral traffic" could plummet following the overhaul. The free content ad network said it planned to apply three changes to the News Feed function. One of those tweaks will apparently make friends' posts more prominent than …
Kelly Fiveash, 22 Apr 2015
Two upended shopping trolleys in an alleyway. Photo by Cyron, licensecd under CC 2.0

Tesco broadband goes TITSUP, world keeps turning on wobbly-wheeled trolley

Tesco's broadband service went titsup this afternoon and remained out of action as The Register went to publication. The UK's largest supermarket chain agreed to offload its fixed line broadband customer base of around 75,000 subscribers to TalkTalk in January this year. The network is in the process of being transferred over …
Kelly Fiveash, 21 Apr 2015
"Armageddon" image courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures/Touchstone Pictures

UH OH, it's MOBILEGEDDON! Your site may lose, well, PENNIES

Comment Google has adjusted its algorithms so websites it deems to be "mobile-friendly" will – from today, Tuesday – rank higher on the advertising colossus' search listings, if they are searched for from a mobile device. Inevitably, the move has triggered gripes to the effect that businesses – in particular small online players – will …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Apr 2015
Grand Theft Auto Lindsay Lohan lookalike

BLAM! Valve slams brakes on Steam flimflam with $5 spam scram plan

Video-gaming kingpin Valve has promised to do a better job of protecting its subscribers from dollops of spam, by applying a $5 limit on user accounts before unlocking a number of key features. The company explained the new strategy in a post on its support forum. It said that features – including friend invites, group chat, …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 Apr 2015

What's 'appening with WhatsApp? '800 MEEELLION LOSERS* actively use us', says boss

The CEO of Facebook-owned WhatsApp claimed on Friday that the mobile messaging service was now accessed by 800 million chumps worldwide each month. CEO Jan Koum said in a brief Facebook post that WhatsApp was "now serving 800,000,000 monthly active users." He added that "active and registered users are not the same thing". But …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 Apr 2015
Falcon 9 crash landing. Image credit: SpaceX

KABOOM! Billionaire fingers dud valve in ROCKET WIBBLE PRANG BLAST

Billionaire biz baron Elon Musk has revealed some detail on why his firm SpaceX's scheme to bring back a first stage booster rocket in one piece just failed on the most recent attempt. The Register reported on the drama as it unfolded on Tuesday. Once again, Falcon 9 successfully launched the capsule payload to 'nauts on the …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 Apr 2015
Ceres

DWARF PLANET Ceres beams back SUNNY north pole FROWN

In the build up to NASA's first science orbit of dwarf planet Ceres later this month, the agency's spacecraft Dawn has been capturing stunning images of the extraterrestrial body. Astroboffins have released an impressive animation of Ceres, after it was snapped from a distance of 21,000 (33,000 kilometres) on 10 April. NASA has …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Apr 2015

Verizon FLICKS FINGER at Netflix with skinny à la carte-style TV package for fibre munchers

U.S. cable giant Verizon vowed last year that it would offer channels à la carte to its customers simply because the demand was there. From tomorrow (19 April), the telco's fibre network subscribers will be able to pick and choose the pay-TV they want. Verizon's change in strategy is a direct stab at the likes of vid-streaming …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Apr 2015
Dog's backside and tail

Amazon AXES try-before-you-buy AppStore TestDrive facility from shopfront

Amazon customers can no longer preview apps via the online retail giant's TestDrive service before making a purchase, after the firm quietly killed the function on Wednesday. The try-before-you-buy feature was introduced by Amazon in March 2011 and was considered at the time to be a clever way to drum up more sales of apps. …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Apr 2015

'We STRONGLY DISAGREE' that we done WRONG, says Google

Google has 10 weeks to respond to Brussels' preliminary finding that the world's largest ad broker abused its dominant position in the search market in Europe. However, the company was quick to attack competition commissioner Margrethe Vestager's decision to issue a Statement of Objections against Google on Wednesday. Mountain …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Apr 2015

Soil and sand harden as SPEEDING MISSILES and METEORS SLAM into GROUND – boffins

Physicists have claimed that soil and sand toughen up when struck with hefty force from meteors and missiles hitting the ground at high speed. A lab-based test to simulate such impacts was carried out by boffins at Duke University, after they secured financial backing from the US Defense Threat Reduction Agency. They studied …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015
A dragon in Game of Thrones

Woeful groans over Game of Thrones' spill on piracy sites

The first four episodes of the latest series of Game of Thrones has been leaked online – with fans reportedly downloading 550,000 illegal copies of the saucy, bloody fantasy drama in just 12 hours. Season 5 of GoT is set to air in the US tonight on HBO, while Blighty fans won't be able to view it over on Sky Atlantic until …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015
Still from the movie Zoolander: Derek and a fellow model try to get the 'files' out of the Mac by smashing it to pieces. copyright Paramount Pictures

It's not you, it's EE ... again! Mobe network hit by 'PDP authentication failure' snafu

Updated UK mobile carrier EE has been struck by yet another "PDP authentication failure" on its network. Customers have been complaining about the technical cockup on Twitter, where gripes are slowly trickling through to the company. Another @EE issue. PDP authorisation failure on my iPad Air so no internet. #biggestnetwork = # …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015
Tongue

Google research bods hope to LICK BATTERY life limits – report

Google has reportedly been attempting to develop batteries that last longer. The world's largest ad broker apparently has a small team of four people beavering away at lithium-ion technology and solid-state batteries in its Google X research lab. According to the Wall Street Journal, erstwhile Apple battery bod Dr Ramesh …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015