Kelly Fiveash

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Kelly Fiveash is the Weekend Editor of The Register.
"Armageddon" image courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures/Touchstone Pictures

ACHTUNG, it's MOBILEGEDDON! Your site may lose, ah, PENNIES

Comment Google has adjusted its algorithms so websites it deems to be "mobile-friendly" will – from today, Tuesday – rank higher on the advertising colossus' search listings, if they are searched for from a mobile device. Inevitably, the move has triggered gripes to the effect that businesses – in particular small online players – will …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Apr 2015
Grand Theft Auto Lindsay Lohan lookalike

BLAM! Valve slams brakes on Steam flimflam with $5 spam scram plan

Video-gaming kingpin Valve has promised to do a better job of protecting its subscribers from dollops of spam, by applying a $5 limit on user accounts before unlocking a number of key features. The company explained the new strategy in a post on its support forum. It said that features – including friend invites, group chat, …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 Apr 2015

What's 'appening with WhatsApp? '800 MEEELLION LOSERS* actively use us', says boss

The CEO of Facebook-owned WhatsApp claimed on Friday that the mobile messaging service was now accessed by 800 million chumps worldwide each month. CEO Jan Koum said in a brief Facebook post that WhatsApp was "now serving 800,000,000 monthly active users." He added that "active and registered users are not the same thing". But …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 Apr 2015
Falcon 9 crash landing. Image credit: SpaceX

KABOOM! Billionaire fingers dud valve in ROCKET WIBBLE PRANG BLAST

Billionaire biz baron Elon Musk has revealed some detail on why his firm SpaceX's scheme to bring back a first stage booster rocket in one piece just failed on the most recent attempt. The Register reported on the drama as it unfolded on Tuesday. Once again, Falcon 9 successfully launched the capsule payload to 'nauts on the …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 Apr 2015
Ceres

DWARF PLANET Ceres beams back SUNNY north pole FROWN

In the build up to NASA's first science orbit of dwarf planet Ceres later this month, the agency's spacecraft Dawn has been capturing stunning images of the extraterrestrial body. Astroboffins have released an impressive animation of Ceres, after it was snapped from a distance of 21,000 (33,000 kilometres) on 10 April. NASA has …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Apr 2015

Verizon FLICKS FINGER at Netflix with skinny à la carte-style TV package for fibre munchers

U.S. cable giant Verizon vowed last year that it would offer channels à la carte to its customers simply because the demand was there. From tomorrow (19 April), the telco's fibre network subscribers will be able to pick and choose the pay-TV they want. Verizon's change in strategy is a direct stab at the likes of vid-streaming …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Apr 2015
Dog's backside and tail

Amazon AXES try-before-you-buy AppStore TestDrive facility from shopfront

Amazon customers can no longer preview apps via the online retail giant's TestDrive service before making a purchase, after the firm quietly killed the function on Wednesday. The try-before-you-buy feature was introduced by Amazon in March 2011 and was considered at the time to be a clever way to drum up more sales of apps. …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Apr 2015

'We STRONGLY DISAGREE' that we done WRONG, says Google

Google has 10 weeks to respond to Brussels' preliminary finding that the world's largest ad broker abused its dominant position in the search market in Europe. However, the company was quick to attack competition commissioner Margrethe Vestager's decision to issue a Statement of Objections against Google on Wednesday. Mountain …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Apr 2015

Soil and sand harden as SPEEDING MISSILES and METEORS SLAM into GROUND – boffins

Physicists have claimed that soil and sand toughen up when struck with hefty force from meteors and missiles hitting the ground at high speed. A lab-based test to simulate such impacts was carried out by boffins at Duke University, after they secured financial backing from the US Defense Threat Reduction Agency. They studied …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015
A dragon in Game of Thrones

Woeful groans over Game of Thrones' spill on piracy sites

The first four episodes of the latest series of Game of Thrones has been leaked online – with fans reportedly downloading 550,000 illegal copies of the saucy, bloody fantasy drama in just 12 hours. Season 5 of GoT is set to air in the US tonight on HBO, while Blighty fans won't be able to view it over on Sky Atlantic until …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015
Still from the movie Zoolander: Derek and a fellow model try to get the 'files' out of the Mac by smashing it to pieces. copyright Paramount Pictures

It's not you, it's EE ... again! Mobe network hit by 'PDP authentication failure' snafu

Updated UK mobile carrier EE has been struck by yet another "PDP authentication failure" on its network. Customers have been complaining about the technical cockup on Twitter, where gripes are slowly trickling through to the company. Another @EE issue. PDP authorisation failure on my iPad Air so no internet. #biggestnetwork = # …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015
Tongue

Google research bods hope to LICK BATTERY life limits – report

Google has reportedly been attempting to develop batteries that last longer. The world's largest ad broker apparently has a small team of four people beavering away at lithium-ion technology and solid-state batteries in its Google X research lab. According to the Wall Street Journal, erstwhile Apple battery bod Dr Ramesh …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Apr 2015
Galaxy M101 shown with bars indicating location of supernova SN 2011fe. Image credit: NASA/Swift

PHYSICS APPLECART UPSET as dark energy disappears, Universe slams on brakes

In-the-dark astrophysicists now think there's probably less dark energy knocking about than was previously thought – which may suggest that the universe is expanding at a slower rate. That's at least the latest thinking on the subject to come out of the University of Arizona, whose team of astronomers claimed that their studies …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 Apr 2015

Twitter yanks firehose from DataSift, other resellers

Twitter has aggressively taken control of its firehose and severed third party reseller access to it as the microblabbing site moves to grow its analytics biz following the buyout of Gnip last year. DataSift was one of the biggest players to be affected by the decision. Its CEO Nick Halstead confirmed the partnership with …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 Apr 2015
Mosasaurs illustration. Image credit: Julius T Csotonyi for the University of Yale

Pregnant pause: Ancient JUMBO MARINE LIZARD pushed out sprogs in open ocean

Scientists now believe that gigantic, flipper-bearing mosasaurs – which lived during the Late Cretaceous period – gave birth to their young in the open ocean. It's understood that the marine lizard populated most waters of the Earth more than 65 million years ago. They could grow up to 50 feet long and were described by boffins …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 Apr 2015
Zombie experience

Videogame publishers to fans: Oi, freetard! STOP RESURRECTING our dead titles online

Google-sponsored "digital rights" group the Electronic Frontier Foundation has urged the US Copyright Office to allow players to be exempt from DMCA takedowns when they modify and then upload abandoned games online. However, videogame lobby group the Entertainment Software Association has dismissed the EFF's campaign in a 72- …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 Apr 2015
Kim Gordon with Kurt Cobain, photo courtesy of Charles Peterson

What a time to be alive ... hard and floppy disk drives play Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit

Vid Dead Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain must surely be turning in his grave at the latest cover of the band's huge hit song Smells Like Teen Spirit, which the Seattle grunge god had famously loathed. The pop song has now been set to the crunching, grinding, not-one-bit-annoying music that can be produced by the sound of hard and …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 Apr 2015
Monty Python dead parrot sketch

Google-Twitter hookup rumours pushes up babble blog site's shares

+Comment Google is once again rumoured to be mulling over a potential takeover bid of micro-blabbing site Twitter. The latest speculative guff pushed shares in Twitter up nearly four per cent by the close of play on Tuesday as Wall Street appeared to respond favourably to the scuttlebutt. That rise in shares was the best performance the …
Kelly Fiveash, 08 Apr 2015

Turkey PM bans Twitter, YouTube as 'tools of terrorist propaganda'

Twitter and Google's YouTube faced another showdown with the Turkish government on Monday after court officials in the country temporarily blocked access to the micro-blabbing and video-sharing sites. The latest ban was imposed on the US companies following the death of prosecutor Mehmet Selim Kiraz, who was taken hostage and …
Kelly Fiveash, 07 Apr 2015
See No Evil Hear No Evil movie still

Wanna quote tweets without manual faff? HAVE AT IT, sez Twitter

Twitter has begun rolling out a new function on the micro-blabbing site which lets users add comments to retweeted messages without hitting the 140-character limit. Previously, inserting one's own remarks into a tweet meant having to copy and paste it into a new tweet and then add "RT" (retweet) or "MT" (modified tweet) to the …
Kelly Fiveash, 07 Apr 2015
A 3D image produced by the new NCI chip. The image, taken from roughly half a metre (1.5 feet) away, shows an angled side view of the penny. Credit: Ali Hajimiri/Caltech

Here we are now, entertain us: Caltech team designs micro, high-res 3D imager

Vid Boffins working for Caltech have developed a tiny, high-resolution 3D imager that they hope could eventually be used in consumer devices such as smartphones. They claimed that it could "soon be possible" to reproduce "a replica accurate to within microns" of an original object snapped on a mobile device. Caltech said: Any …
Kelly Fiveash, 05 Apr 2015
Rotten apple

Samsung persuades US watchdog to review Smartflash legal dance over patents

Apple may end up getting a helping hand from its mega smartphone rival Samsung, after the South Korean electronics giant convinced US regulators to look at two Smartflash LLC patents. In February, Cupertino was ordered to pay nearly half a billion dollars to Texas-based patent licensing company Smartflash after a jury found that …
Kelly Fiveash, 05 Apr 2015
ATLAS (A Toroidal LHC Apparatus) is one of six detector experiments at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) – image by Maximilien Brice CERN/Science photo library

Boffins: Large Hadron Collider NOW movin', we're getting down and crush groovin'

The world's mightiest particle accelerator was resurrected this morning, following a two-year shutdown to upgrade the proton-shattering Large Hadron Collider. The LHC, which is based at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, was brought back into operation earlier today. Scientists said that two proton beams were circulated in opposite …
Kelly Fiveash, 05 Apr 2015

Streak life: Oz woman flashes boobs at Google Street View car

A 38-year-old Australian woman, who flashed her bresticles at a Google Street View spycar, has been accused of disorderly behaviour. Alarmingly, Oz cops claimed that the alleged fleshy exposure back in January was "the same as someone flashing their genitals and the public expectation is that we take action." An image of Karen …
Kelly Fiveash, 04 Apr 2015
Wolves

Big Blue securo-bods warn of dire Dyre Wolf AMONG WOLVES

Infosec experts have spotted a nasty variant of a banking malware – dubbed Dyre Wolf – which involves a sophisticated two-factor authentication workaround that has apparently led to the theft of more than $1m from the biz world. Wrongdoers have demonstrated what IBM Security described as "a brazen twist from the once-simple Dyre …
Kelly Fiveash, 04 Apr 2015
Assembled experiment lowered into a high-field magnet system. Image credit: Jason Krizan

Stress me, test me, vex me ... boffins seek Hall Effect in frustrated magnets

Scientists believe a new finding could help future advanced electronics research – and it's all courtesy of some frustrated magnets. The results of a new experiment could help reveal more details about the way the frictionless transmission of electricity works, it has been claimed. Boffins at Princeton University in the US …
Kelly Fiveash, 04 Apr 2015
Bill Gates and Paul Allen 1981

Midlife crisis, suck ingenuity? Microsoft turns 40; does the dad dance

It's 40 years to the day since computer software company Microsoft started life under Bill Gates and Paul Allen. On Friday, Redmondians were apparently greeted with a memo from co-founder Gates, who these days – besides from being the world's richest man – acts as a technical advisor to current MS chief Satya Nadella. In the …
Kelly Fiveash, 04 Apr 2015
Tim Cook Apple CEO with glowing green eyes, dark glasses a la Demon Headmaster

Apple Watch: When I think about you, I digital touch myself

Apple has released a series of videos to promote its wrist-puter ahead of its planned launch later this month. Cupertino showed off three different functions for its Watch product: messages, faces and digital touch. It teased fanbois that more reveals – such as phone calls, Apple Pay and Siri – were "coming soon". The Tim Cook …
Kelly Fiveash, 04 Apr 2015
Huawei HQ

Huawei bellows big revenue jump thanks to brisk 2014 phone sales

Huawei – which was backed by Britain last week despite repeated claims that the Chinese company's network kit could endanger national security – saw a 33 per cent leap in net profit for 2014. The privately held, employee-owned telecoms giant reported its full-year results this morning, when the firm's rotating CEO Ken Hu …
Kelly Fiveash, 31 Mar 2015
Cat yawning

Virgin Media takes its time on website crypto upgrade

Virgin Media has failed to upgrade weak encryption software that it uses for sensitive parts of the telco's website, despite complaints from customers who claim to have repeatedly flagged up security concerns to the firm. In parallel with the gripes, Mozilla – which recently told netizens that it planned to end support for the …
Kelly Fiveash, 30 Mar 2015
Pebble Time

Affirmative wrist action: Pebble Time raises 20 MEELLION BUCKS on Kickstarter

Startup Pebble Time – which, we're told, plans to start shipping its wrist-puter in May – raised more than $20m during a month-long Kickstarter campaign. A quarter of the cash was ponied up within the first few hours of the biz crying out for money to support its development of the outfit's 9.5mm-thick Pebble Time smartwatch. …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Mar 2015

Frayed British Airways plays down mega hack attack on frequent flyer accounts

Wrongdoers have hacked into tens of thousands of British Airways' frequent flyer accounts, however the travel giant claimed on Sunday that no personal information had been swiped. Some customers, who are members of BA's Executive Club, have complained on message forums that their accounts had been breached and claimed that their …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Mar 2015
Yawunik kootenayi walkcycle – artist's impression. Credit: Lars Field/Phlesch Bubble

Dino-boffins discover ancient, TOOTHY-CLAWED, four-eyed MONSTER LOBSTER

Scientists have revealed a terrifying-sounding new species of lobster-like marine creature that pre-dates the first living dinosaur by 250 million years. The Yawunik kooetenayi is understood to have swam in Earth's waters some 508 million years ago. "Yawunik had evolved long frontal appendages that resemble the antennae of …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Mar 2015

Yahoo! and! Microsoft! extend! tricky! search! deal! talks! by! 30! days!

Microsoft and Yahoo! have extended discussions about whether to remain wedded to a decade-long and at times stormy search deal that was first struck in 2009. Under the duo's 10-year pact, it was agreed that Redmond's Bing would power searches across the Purple Palace's web estate. But Yahoo!'s search advertisers have previously …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Mar 2015
Pac-Man Google game (taken from Google home page on anniversary of Pac-Man )

Google whacks CREEPY predictive search up to 11 in cheap Chrome OS beta

Google's Chromebooks are about to undergo an overhaul that puts the Chocolate Factory's creepy, predictive search tech – Google Now – at the heart of the firm's OS. François Beaufort, who describes himself as Mountain View's "Happiness Evangelist", said that Chrome OS fans would soon be able to access a beta version of the …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Mar 2015
Elop and Nadella, photo: Microsoft

Microsoft's Windows 10 build list snowballs for Lumia mobes

Microsoft has tentatively opened up its Windows 10 Technical Preview to more phones, after its initial list back in February had been extremely limited. The software giant's Gabe Aul said in a blog post on Friday that its builds-for-mobes list was merely preliminary. "[A]s Windows Insiders I wanted to give you the visibility …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Mar 2015

Easy come, easy go: Euro astroboffins blast brace of Galileo sats INTO SPAAACE

The European Space Agency has successfully launched two new satellites into orbit as part of the Galileo project to offer EU citizens an alternative GPS system from late 2016. Late on Friday night, the brace of birds were blasted into space from Europe's Spaceport in French Guiana on top of a Soyuz rocket. The ESA's sats will …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Mar 2015
Red telephone boxes near royal opera house

BT gently returns to mobe biz with cheap SIM-only swoop

BT has tentatively returned to the mobile market it abandoned 13 years ago with a competitive SIM-only deal for its broadband customers. The one-time state monopoly – as expected – touted a 4G data, minutes and texts bundle this morning, with prices starting at £5 a month. BT's offer weds existing broadband subscribers to a 12- …
Kelly Fiveash, 25 Mar 2015
android tongue

Pass the Lollipop: Google creepily warms to body contact with Android lock function

Google, it would seem, has quietly released a new smart lock mode feature for Android-powered devices. The function, which appears to have been dubbed "on-body detection", apparently allows a mobe to remain unlocked while it is carried in a customer's hand or pocket. According to the Android Police blog, the feature uses a …
Kelly Fiveash, 22 Mar 2015
Two mobiles man

BT set to undercut rivals with return to mobile biz

BT will launch its own 4G network when it returns to the mobile market within the next few days, it has been reported. According to the Telegraph, the former state monopoly – which proposed a huge £12.5bn takeover of mobe operator EE late last year – will name its service BT Mobile and offer it only to the firm's broadband …
Kelly Fiveash, 22 Mar 2015
Office Space

Facebook to fling open Messenger to third party apps – report

Facebook is reportedly set to announce plans to allow third-party apps to access the company's stand-alone Messenger service. The free content ad network, which released its Messenger app in 2011, is apparently poised to unveil deals with 20 different outfits. Mashable reported that Facebook will announce the tie-ins during its …
Kelly Fiveash, 22 Mar 2015

Ancient SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION contains enough dust for 7,000 EARTHS, say boffins

Boffins believe that supernovae can produce enough dusty material to make thousands of Earths. An international team of scientists analysed the data from SOFIA – a NASA and German Aerospace Center's Stratospheric Observatory for Infrared Astronomy project – which had taken images of a dust cloud. "This discovery is a special …
Kelly Fiveash, 21 Mar 2015
Trainspotting

Osbo: Choose a f*cking IoT fridge. Choose spirit-crushing driverless cars

Budget Day 2015 Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne vowed today that a Tory government would bring speedier internet connections of 100Mbps to most of Britain – a bold promise given the Coalition's delayed deployment of superfast broadband during the current term. Number 11's occupant made his final pre-election budget statement by …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Mar 2015

Facebook unveils P2P moola-to-mates payment feature

Facebook chumps can now send money to other Facebook chumps via the free content ad network's Messenger app. The company confirmed on Monday that the new peer-to-peer feature would be deployed initially in the US over the next few months. Facebook's money-transfer service offers to retain a user's Visa or MasterCard debit card …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Mar 2015
See No Evil Hear No Evil movie still

BT fined £800k over lax emergency text relay delay blunder

Britain's communications watchdog has fined one-time national telco BT £800,000 for failing to provide a revamped text-to-voice service for customers who have hearing and speech impairments. Ofcom said this morning that the company missed the regulator-imposed deadline – 18 April 2014 – to improve its text relay service. BT's …
Kelly Fiveash, 17 Mar 2015
People mooning a crowd

Zuck: Get your FULLY EXPOSED BUTTOCKS off my Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg apparently "goes to great lengths to protect the privacy of his personal life", but it hasn't stopped the Facebook chief from encouraging the free content ad network's users to share more stuff online. Late on Sunday the company's boss confirmed that Facebook had slightly modified the wording of its guidelines …
Kelly Fiveash, 16 Mar 2015
Tea

Boffins brew up FIRST CUPPA in SPAAACE using wireless energy (well, sort of)

Japanese scientists have claimed a breakthrough in beaming energy wirelessly, after they used microwaves to deliver 1.8 kilowatts of power though the air to a receiver a short distance away. That amount of power is enough to run an electric kettle, researchers at the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) enthused. "This was …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Mar 2015

'Just a kid' Zuck's word is his bond ... but NOT in his backyard, lawsuit claims

A lawsuit brought against Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg by a would-be neighbour has turned decidedly ugly, after court papers claimed that the billionaire had been described as "just a kid" by his own real estate broker. In May last year, property developer Mircea Voskerician accused Zuck of reneging on an alleged deal to …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Mar 2015
Homer Simpson reading on a tablet

Help! Virgin Media FORGETS to renew its security certificate on contact page

Virgin Media has failed to renew its security certificate on the company's 'Contact us' page of its website. It is currently displaying an "untrusted connection" warning about the help.virginmedia.com url. Customers who attempt to contact the Liberty Global-owned cable firm are greeted with the confusing alert that suggests …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Mar 2015
Blackberry Secutablet

Blackberry touts UNCERTIFIED 'secure' slab in hunt for public sector biz

CeBIT 2015 Blackberry unveiled what it claimed was a "high-security tablet" in Hannover on Saturday – even though the device awaits approval from Germany's infosec agency. The vendor showed off its latest product – dubbed SecuTABLET, which is based on the Samsung Galaxy Tab S 10.5 – at the annual CeBIT trade show. Blackberry said in a …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Mar 2015