Kelly Fiveash

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Kelly Fiveash is the Weekend Editor of The Register.
Google slurs gay people in translation fail. Pic credit: All Out

Google Translate MEAT GRINDER turns gay into 'faggot', 'poof', 'queen'

Google has apologised after its language-scraping service offered up offensive alternatives including "poof" and "faggot" as replacements for the word gay. Campaign group All Out spotted the blunder and complained about the slurs to Google. The ad giant then replaced the words with more neutral terms. The worst insults to …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Jan 2015

Twitter ATTENTION SEEKERS can now blab to each other IN PRIVATE

Twitter is set to become even more annoying. The profit-lite company has padded out its network with 30-second videos, which will be a feature seized upon by admen. It's an unsurprising move, given that Twitter bought SnappyTV – a vid service used to edit and share clips from live telly broadcasts – in July last year. The vid …
Kelly Fiveash, 27 Jan 2015
Shaun of the dead zombies cricket bat movie still. Copyright Universal Pictures

Switch it off and on again: How peers failed to sneak Snoopers' Charter into terror bill

Analysis Bungling peers failed to thrust Theresa May's widely discredited Snoopers' Charter into the Counter-Terrorism and Security Bill on Monday – but they did an excellent job of highlighting their ignorance about technology. A bewildered Lord King of Bridgwater trotted out the usual alarmist guff that Britain faced a grave and …
Kelly Fiveash, 27 Jan 2015

'One day, YOU won't be able to SENSE the INTERNET,' vows Schmidt

Google exec chairman Eric Schmidt misled the world last week by claiming that – one day – the internet will vanish. However, Schmidt was simply following the now well-worn path of his kingpin contemporaries by bigging up the Internet of Things – a piece of marketing jargon that many tech firms hope will slip into our vocabulary …
Kelly Fiveash, 25 Jan 2015
Dead Nation

Game over? Sony FINALLY offers compensation to MEELLIONS of PSN hack victims

Millions of PSN gamers, who were hit by a massive data breach on Sony's Playstation network back in 2011, are finally being offered the opportunity to claim compensation from the company. Stateside victims of the hack attack – PSN, Qriocity and Sony Online Entertainment subscribers who held an account before 15 May 2011 – have …
Kelly Fiveash, 25 Jan 2015
Woman looks immensely happy while staring into blank screen of unplugged monitor

'People ACTUALLY CONFUSE Facebook and the internet in some places'

QuotW Ex-Googler, Facebook COO and mouthpiece Sheryl Sandberg claimed this week that some users (sorry, people) actually think that Mark Zuckerberg's free-content ad network is the internet. This shocking assertion came as Zuck's Number Two defended a bullshit report from consultancy firm Deloitte, which claimed that Facebook's global …
Kelly Fiveash, 25 Jan 2015
Daniel Craig in Casino Royale

Sly peers attempt to thrust hated Snoopers' Charter into counter-terror and security bill

Britain's ISPs have attacked sneaky, proposed amendments to the Counter-Terrorism and Security Bill that were tabled by four peers in Parliament this week – as they mounted an attempt to resurrect the Snoopers' Charter. Home Secretary Theresa May's draft Communications Data Bill was rejected by politicos in 2012, however, the …
Kelly Fiveash, 24 Jan 2015
Mars Attacks!

Facebook: Yo 'people'! Zap fake news on our giant ad farm, would'ja?

Facebook has asked its users (sorry, people) to flag up posts on the free-content ad network that they think are hoaxes masquerading as news items. However, the Mark Zuckerberg-run company claimed that links to satirical stories would not be culled from Facebook as a side-effect of the crackdown on fake stuff. But asking its …
Kelly Fiveash, 21 Jan 2015
War of the Worlds

Elon Musk SNOWED UNDER with Googley DOLLARS for Space Internet

SpaceX has confirmed a meaty injection of cash from Google and Fidelity, after it was reported that the ad giant was closing in on an investment deal of up to $1bn with Elon Musk's firm. It means that Google and Fidelity now "collectively own just under 10 per cent of the company," SpaceX said in a brief statement, without …
Kelly Fiveash, 21 Jan 2015
The flying rooster seen in the stratosphere

SO. Which IS more important to humanity: Facebook, or Portugal?

Poll The Register, it would seem, has ruffled the feathers of some sensitive Portuguese folk by merely reporting the, er, facts as presented to us by consultancy outfit Deloitte, which – having been paid by Mark Zuckerberg's company – claimed that Facebook's global economic value was $227bn (stop sniggering at the back). Naturally, …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Jan 2015

Facebook is MORE IMPORTANT to humanity than PORTUGAL

Facebook has paid a bunch of consultants to make the dubious claim that the free-content ad network's worldwide economic value is far greater than the billions of dollars in sales it drums up each year. If figures from Deloitte are to be believed, Mark Zuckerberg's ego was stroked to the tune of $227bn, based on the assertion …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Jan 2015

Google: What this planet needs is INTERNET FROM SPAAACE

Google is reportedly close to flinging $1bn at Elon Musk's SpaceX to bulk up investment in the private company's development of satellites for internet-based services. According to The Information, which cited several people familiar with the matter, a deal could be sealed soon. One source said that Google had agreed to value …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Jan 2015
Darth Vader choking someone

Which of UK's major ISPs will let you have exotic p0rn? NONE OF THEM

Virgin Media, Vodafone and EE have promised to be more upfront with their subscribers about traffic management policies two and half years after rival, big name UK ISPs signed up to the voluntary "Open Internet Code". The telcos have also vowed not to choke the services of competitors, such as over-the-top players – Microsoft's …
Kelly Fiveash, 19 Jan 2015

Twitter complies with Turkey's 'national security' blackout demand – BLOCKS newspaper's tweets

Turkey has once again browbeat Twitter into censoring some of the content posted on the micro-blogging site, after being threatened with an outright ban in the country. The demand came after the Turkish government issued a court order in Adana on Thursday. According to the New York Times, officials had told news organisations to …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Jan 2015
O2 XDA Argon

Hong Kong mogul mulls MULTI-BEELLION POUND bid for O2 – report

British mobile operator O2 has reportedly been eyed up by Hong Kong biz baron Li Ka-shing, with a takeover bid of up to £9bn apparently being floated. The owner of Hutchison Whampoa, which controls UK mobe carrier Three, has been in tentative talks with Telfonica-run O2, according to a report in today's Sunday Times (£), which …
Kelly Fiveash, 18 Jan 2015

Facebook poaches design talent from Toronto firm – fate of staff unknown

A Toronto, Canada-based design firm has closed its doors after Facebook poached the boutique outfit's partners. On Friday, Teehan+Lax's bosses waved goodbye to their old offices – where it's understood they had employed around 40 staff – when they confirmed the move to San Francisco to work at the Mark Zuckerberg-run free- …
Kelly Fiveash, 17 Jan 2015
Office Space

Stop viewing Facebook at work says Facebook at work on Facebook at Work

Facebook will soon tell its users (sorry, people) to dump its colleagues on the site and interact with them instead on the company's social-networking-for-suits site, Facebook at Work. In the meantime, Facebook is at work on Facebook at Work. Facebook will not be renamed Facebook at Home, but the Mark Zuckerberg-run firm has …
Kelly Fiveash, 14 Jan 2015

Silicon Valley WAGE-FIX: Tech firms mull new deal to kill staff lawsuit

Apple, Google, Adobe and Intel are reportedly closing in on a wage-fix settlement deal to end a long-running antitrust lawsuit brought against the companies by aggrieved engineers. According to Reuters, which has seen a brief document* filed at the US District Court, Northern District of California, plaintiffs were expected to …
Kelly Fiveash, 14 Jan 2015
Bond tries to decipher is tailor

Peers warn against rushing 'enhanced' DATA SLURP powers through Parliament

In the past 24 hours, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has reiterated that the Tories will once again attempt to push for large-scale surveillance of Brits' internet activity, if his party returns to Whitehall after the General Election in May. In parallel with the PM's latest efforts to gain support for more snooping powers …
Kelly Fiveash, 12 Jan 2015
Montage of front covers from Charlie Hebdo magazine

Paris terror attacks: ISPs face pressure to share MORE data with governments

Government ministers from European states, who met in Paris today in the wake of the atrocious attacks that stunned the French capital's population last week, have called on internet firms to do a better job of cooperating with spooks and police to help them fight terrorism. In a joint statement (PDF) from a number of Europe's …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 Jan 2015

Mr Cameron goes to Washington for PESKY HACKERS chinwag with Pres Obama

U.S. President Barak Obama will end his week of lobbying for more powers to fight hackers online, by hosting Britain's Prime Minster David Cameron on Thursday and Friday, when the two leaders will discuss internet security. Thwarting malefactors who attack companies' computer systems, such as the recent, devastating assault on …
Kelly Fiveash, 11 Jan 2015
Hacker image

Sony post-mortem: Obama lobbies for new legal powers to thwart hackers

In the aftermath of the massive hack attack on Sony Pictures – which the US government continues to insist was carried out by North Korea – President Barak Obama is expected to lobby hard for legislative overhauls to battle online threats. He will reveal those proposals early next week, an unnamed White House spokesperson told …
Kelly Fiveash, 10 Jan 2015
Zuckerberg new news feed

Speak your brains, Colombia – Facebook chief to walk among you soon

A no doubt carefully-selected bunch of Latin American Facebookers will get to quiz the free-content ad network's kingpin Mark Zuckerberg during his first "Townhall Q&A" session away from Menlo Park. The billionaire, copper-haired boydroid, who has been extra chatty about freedom of expression this week, will be present at a …
Kelly Fiveash, 10 Jan 2015
SpaceX barge landing spot

SpaceX in ROCKET HOVERSHIP PRANG: 'Close – but no cigar,' says Musk

Vid SpaceX's attempt to land its Falcon 9 rocket on a floating hovership in the Atlantic Ocean ended in failure in the early hours of Saturday morning. Youtube Video Billionaire Elon Musk tweeted about his firm's efforts to recover the rocket, after lift-off and separation from the Dragon private space podule, which is now winging …
Kelly Fiveash, 10 Jan 2015
Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP. Pic: Jennifer Jane Mills

It's LUNACY, you SWINE! Er, what, security? Moonpig DOT GONE

Quotw This was the week when London-based tacky, personalised card biz Moonpig exposed three million customers' personal records and partial credit card details for almost 18 months, after the security flaw in its system had been reported. The mega cockup was first spotted by developer Paul Price, who quietly flagged up the glitch to …
Kelly Fiveash, 10 Jan 2015
Total Recall outside on Mars scene

UK data cops warn Optical Express to stop spamming 1000s of customers

High Street optician Optical Express has been admonished by Britain's data watchdog after thousands of customers complained that the company was sending them nuisance text messages. The Information Commissioner's Office warned Optical Express to halt its actions, or else face further action. An enforcement notice (PDF) was …
Kelly Fiveash, 07 Jan 2015
Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP. Pic: Jennifer Jane Mills

UKIP website TAKES A KIP, but for why?

Updated UKIP's website is currently out of action, but the reason for its little sit-down remains a mystery given that the domain name is not set to expire until early next year. It's been suggested elsewhere that Nigel Farage and his loony pals have failed to pay their domain renewal fees for the service hosted by 123-reg. However, a …
Kelly Fiveash, 06 Jan 2015
slow_sign

Twitter hit by giant go-slow days after last mega-wobble

Twitter suffered a second major disruption to its micro-blogging site in the early hours of this morning after the service went titsup on 28 December. Users moaned that tweets were delayed after being posted on Twitter. Other users reported that their timelines were very slow to update with new tweets. The latest technical …
Kelly Fiveash, 06 Jan 2015
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un

Norks SCOLD Prez Obama over Sony mega hack payback sanctions

North Korea has slammed the U.S. government, after it imposed new economic sanctions on the Kim Jong Un regime as payback for the massive Sony Pictures hack attack – even though the frankly iffy allegation that the Norks were behind the assault remains widely open to doubt. Earlier today, Pyongyang reiterated in a statement from …
Kelly Fiveash, 04 Jan 2015
Pigeon crapping on statue

Music fans FUME over PJ Harvey ticket CHAOS as Somerset House site buckles

Many PJ Harvey fans who rushed to buy tickets from Somerset House's online store on Friday were left bitterly disappointed, after the website buckled under demand. It was announced yesterday that the two-time Mercury Prize winner would be collaborating on a live installation in London with Somerset House on the artist's …
Kelly Fiveash, 03 Jan 2015

*HIC*... tweet: Sloshed birdsh shlur songs, boffins say

Pissed birds' songs become slurred in a similar way to that of humans' speech after a night on the sauce. That's the conclusion from brain boffins who studied zebra finches to try to get a better handle on the effects of alcohol on cognitive function. Little is apparently known about booze-related garbled speech. Researchers …
Kelly Fiveash, 30 Dec 2014

Tor de farce: NSA fails to decrypt anonymised network

A new round of NSA documents snatched by master blabbermouth Edward Snowden appeared online late on Sunday, revealing spooks' internet security pet hates. The latest dump of PDFs published by Der Spiegel appeared to show what the Five Eyes surveillance buddies – the USA, the UK, Australia, Canada and New Zealand – see as …
Kelly Fiveash, 29 Dec 2014
James Franco and Seth Rogen in The Interview

Toffee, Apple? U.S. fanbois get their sticky fingers on Nork-teasing flick The Interview

Apple has begun offering the controversial Sony Pictures' movie The Interview, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco, for rent and sale on its Stateside and Canada iTunes stores. Fanbois who are willing to shell out $14.99 can purchase a high-definition version of the Nork-ribbing flick from Apple's online shop. It comes days …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Dec 2014

Sony FINGERS DDoS attackers for ruining PlayStation's Xmas

Sony has blamed distributed-denial-of-service (DDoS) attackers for causing PlayStation's network to go titsup on Christmas Day. The Japanese firm struggled for nearly three days to restore services, following an assault on its PSN login system. Microsoft's Xbox Live also suffered a DDoS attack on 25 December. But that service …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Dec 2014

When algorithms ATTACK: Facebook sez soz for tacky 'Year in Review' FAIL

Facebook has apologised to a bloke who moaned about the free-content ad network's recent "Year in Review" feature, after the firm's clumsy algorithms tastelessly inserted painful, personal highlights from 2014. The latest creepy function offered by the Mark Zuckerberg-run company offered a cheap-looking clip art album for users …
Kelly Fiveash, 28 Dec 2014

Norks blame U.S. for TITSUP internet, unleash racist rant against Obama

North Korea has launched a personal attack against Barak Obama and blamed the US after its internet connection went titsup earlier this week. A Nork official at the National Defence Commission (NDC), chaired by supreme leader Kim Jong Un, reportedly said today: "Obama always goes reckless in words and deeds like a monkey in a …
Kelly Fiveash, 27 Dec 2014

PlayStation clambers back online days after DDoS attack PARALYSED network

Updated Sony's PlayStation network is slowly returning to normal service roughly 48 hours after it was hit by another major distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attack on Christmas Day. Members of the Lizard Squad gang, which has previously targeted Sony's PSN, claimed responsibility for the assault. Microsoft's Xbox similarly went …
Kelly Fiveash, 27 Dec 2014

Now Obama seeks China's help to halt alleged Nork HACK ATTACKS

US president Barack Obama has looked to an unlikely source of help to stop further alleged cyber attacks from North Korea: his administration has reportedly asked China to take action against the perpetrators. The FBI claimed on Friday that Norks were behind the massive Sony Pictures' hack, which plunged the struggling film …
Kelly Fiveash, 21 Dec 2014

Purple glistening plasma, you say? Orion plummets back to Earth

Vid NASA has released video images of its Orion spaceship as it re-entered Earth's atmosphere earlier this month. It shows the view that astronauts might eventually see if the US space agency's mission to send human beings to Mars in 2021 proves successful. On 5 December, Orion flew unmanned this time. In order to gather as much …
Kelly Fiveash, 21 Dec 2014
management regulation1

HP's shareholder settlement deal over Autonomy merger DENIED – again

A US district judge has thrown out a proposed settlement deal of a sueball lobbed at HP by some of the company's shareholders, after it bought Blighty software outfit Autonomy for $10.7bn in 2011. "The shareholders appear to be relinquishing a whole universe of potential claims regarding HP governance and practices with no …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Dec 2014
James Franco and Seth Rogen in The Interview

Norks: FBI's Sony Pictures' hacking allegations are 'groundless slander'

"Grave consequences" have been threatened by North Korea, after the FBI alleged on Friday that Norks were behind the savage hack of struggling film studio Sony Pictures. The Kim Jong Un-led country demanded a joint investigation with the US to further probe the incident. North Korea has denied responsibility for the massive …
Kelly Fiveash, 20 Dec 2014

Profit-shy Instagram adds 5 new filters for hipster-photo types

Instagram has added five more filters to the Facebook-owned, profit-shy photo app. Unsurprisingly, the names of the new filters will appeal to bearded hipster types around the planet who want their facial hair to be tinged with an autumnal hue to, y'know, make them look even edgier when gurning at friends in moronic selfies …
Kelly Fiveash, 17 Dec 2014
Sharon White, new head of Ofcom, former Second Perm Sec at the Treasury

Ofcom's new broom Sharon White sweeps into office

Communications watchdog Ofcom confirmed this morning that it has found a replacement for outgoing chief Ed Richards. Sharon White will head up the regulator from late March, on an annual salary of £275,000, after she ends her senior role at the Treasury. White currently serves as Second Permanent Secretary of the Finance …
Kelly Fiveash, 16 Dec 2014
TalkTalk YouView set top box launch

TalkTalk customers demand opt-out fix for telco's DNS ad-jacking tactics

Budget ISP TalkTalk has been accused of forcing customers to remain opted into a so-called Error Replacement Service that swaps NXDomain DNS results with an IP address. The option to turn off the system has been busted for months now, but subscribers are still waiting for TalkTalk to fix the error with the Error Replacement …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Dec 2014
Spam

Plusnet could face DATA BREACH probe over SPAM HELL gripes

Exclusive BT-owned Plusnet faces a possible data breach investigation by Britain's Information Commissioner's Office, after complaints from the ISP's customers about their email accounts being swamped by spam were dismissed. As The Register reported last week, an unknown number of subscribers expressed concern that their email accounts …
Kelly Fiveash, 15 Dec 2014
Credit: Sony/Eon/MGM

Sony hackers PINCH early version of James Bond Spectre script

An early screenplay of the upcoming James Bond movie Spectre was stolen by hackers who ransacked Sony Pictures Entertainment's computer system, the film's producers confirmed on Saturday. Eon productions said in a statement on the official 007 website that a script had been leaked, after Sony's network suffered a massive …
Kelly Fiveash, 14 Dec 2014

Hold the front page: Spain's anti-Google lobbyists lobby for Google News return

Anti-Google lobby group the AEDE, which represents publishers in Spain, has asked the country's government to prevent the ad giant from shuttering its news-scraping service. The volte-face comes after Mountain View threatened on Thursday to kill Google News in Spain, because it argued that a clumsy, new intellectual property law …
Kelly Fiveash, 14 Dec 2014

Rosetta beams back colour pics: 67P shades of grey are SO HOT right now

Pic Astro boffins working on the European Space Agency's lauded Rosetta mission, which spectacularly landed a probot on a speeding space rock last month, have revealed that Comet 67P is, well, very grey. The ESA's OSIRIS team meticulously produced a colour image of 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko by superimposing photos "taken …
Kelly Fiveash, 14 Dec 2014

Iranian CLEAVER hackers may DRAIN energy and defence firms, warn Feds

Iranian hackers may be sniffing out education, defence and energy targets as part of a well-planned operation, the US Federal Bureau of Investigation has reportedly warned. A secret FBI document dubbed "Flash, seen by Reuters, offered advice to businesses on how to foil any such attacks. It comes after Cylance researchers …
Kelly Fiveash, 14 Dec 2014
Grumpy cat

Twitter co-founder: 'I don’t give a SHIT if Instagram has more people looking at pretty pics'

Twitter co-founder Evan Williams has attacked Facebook for getting money men too hung up on monthly user metrics. When quizzed by Fortune magazine about the recent claim that the Facebook-owned photo-sharing site Instagram was now used by 300 million netizens, Williams hit back at how the numbers were presented. He also – some …
Kelly Fiveash, 13 Dec 2014