Paul Kunert

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Paul Kunert is the editor of Channel Register
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Demon Currys iPad showered kids with HARD-CORE smut

Dixons Retail has issued a grovelling apology after a demon fondleslab possessed with porn beamed smut directly into the eyes of children at a Currys store in Surrey. According to a report in the Surrey Comet, a distressed mother, who asked to remain nameless, said her three children were confronted with the filth on entering …
Paul Kunert, 25 Nov 2011
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Nokia Siemens Networks chucks 17,000 people overboard

Ailing telco kit manufacturer Nokia Siemens Networks (NSN) is to slash 17,000 jobs worldwide by the end of 2013 as it eyes up an IPO. This equates to a 23 per cent drop in the workforce which along with rationalisation of real estate, targeted budget cuts in IT, product and service procurement and admin costs are expected to …
Paul Kunert, 23 Nov 2011
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HP welcomes activist investor onto board

HP has found a seat on the board for activist stakeholder Ralph Whitworth, co-founder at Relational Investors which should buy his silence - in public at least - for a couple of years while CEO Meg Whitman steadies the ship. Relational bought 17.3 million HP shares or 0.9 per cent of the total stock in August following Apotheker …
Paul Kunert, 18 Nov 2011
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Update knackers hundreds of Zendesk helpdesks

The boss at cloud-based online helpdesk software provider Zendesk has apologised for a brief outage last night that suspended 360 client accounts. The firm, which counts big names including Adobe, Sony, Xerox, Groupon, Dropbox and Rackspace among its customers, experienced unexpected downtime for forty minutes from 22.15 GMT. …
Paul Kunert, 18 Nov 2011
The Register breaking news

'Hands free' pissing contest games installed in boozer

Drunks can now piss away hours playing games while at the urinals after the gents at The Exhibit Bar in south London was kitted out with a hands-free gaming cistern system. Confident men can test out their skills on one of three games including the quiz game Clever Dick by adjusting their stream to the left or right section of …
Paul Kunert, 15 Nov 2011
The Register breaking news

iPhone baby clothes shop mauled by Apple

Not content with firing patent suits at tech rivals, Apple's lawyers have forced a baby clothes retailer to halt sales of items styled on the iPod and iPhone user interfaces and icons. The US giant is fiercely protective of its brand image, having spent millions of dollars on marketing its kit to shiny loving IT professionals …
Paul Kunert, 14 Nov 2011
The Register breaking news

OFFICIAL: Last Western Black rhino snuffs it

The last of the Western Black rhino (Diceros bicornis longipes), a rare species of black rhino, has died and the survival of the northern white configuration hangs in the balance, according to the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN). The revelation was made as part of the IUCN's Red List, which it claims is a " …
Paul Kunert, 10 Nov 2011
The Register breaking news

OMG - It's raining raw fish in tasty little packages

Fast fishy food chain YO Sushi! plans to buy servers no more as it heads into the cloud, according to IT manager Billy Waters. A much needed infrastructure refresh was looming for the firm which carves up raw fish and serves it on conveyer belts for punters, as it was using Microsoft Exchange, Office and other apps on seven year …
Paul Kunert, 07 Nov 2011
The Register breaking news

Watchdog urged to probe Microsoft's cloud claims... again

The Advertising Standards Authority has been asked to reopen an investigation into Microsoft's boasts of 99.9 per cent uptime for its cloud services. The plea follows complaints that the ad watchdog did not properly tackle Redmond the first time round. As revealed a while back, the ASA was asked by a Microsoft customer to probe …
Paul Kunert, 04 Nov 2011
hands waving dollar bills in the air

All change at top of HP storage biz

HP is trying to find an heir to its StorageWorks division (SD) in the UK and Ireland following an internal move from boss man Richard Masterson to become sales director of global accounts. In the interim, Warren Duke – HP storage sales manager for the top accounts – has assumed the SD country manager role "whilst we finalise the …
Paul Kunert, 02 Nov 2011
The Register breaking news

BlackBerry nicks iPhone's UK smartphone crown

Smartphone sales went backwards in the UK during Q3 as customers abandoned Nokia and Apple. The figures don't look good when compared to last year's storming sales, and it's clear shoppers held off buying new gear during the build up to the latest iPhone launch. According statistics from abacus fondlers Canalys, shipments …
Paul Kunert, 02 Nov 2011

Motorola Mobility to sack 800 ahead of Google gobble

Motorola Mobility Holdings is firing some 800 staff ahead of being swallowed by search engine supertanker Google. The $12.5bn bid for the maker of mobile phones and set-top devices was tabled by Google in August and the deal is expected to close by the end of this year or early next – subject to shareholder and regulatory …
Paul Kunert, 31 Oct 2011
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Price-slashing fails to ignite PlayBook sales

RIM's little-loved fondleslab is failing to get the tills ringing, even after significant price cuts, channel partners have claimed. BlackBerry PlayBook prices were cut by $200 in the US last month as retailers cried out for something extra to help shift mountain mounting stock levels estimated at some half a million units …
Paul Kunert, 27 Oct 2011
For Sale sign detail

Cisco chief's package shrinks 65 per cent

Cisco chief John Chambers' total direct remuneration package slumped 65 per cent in fiscal 2011 to a mere $6.625m (£4.14m), according to an SEC filing. Clearly the time has come for the Chambers' household to switch to the value range in supermarkets, holiday at home and downgrade the family fleet of cars. The long-serving exec …
Paul Kunert, 25 Oct 2011
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RM chief exec Sweeney steps down

RM chief Terry Sweeney is stepping down amid a company-wide restructure after 13 years of service at the education supplier. The LSE-listed firm is flogging parts of the operation, with the trade and assets of US arm Computrac – a classroom products biz – to be offloaded to Troxell Communications for £3m. The remaining software …
Paul Kunert, 25 Oct 2011
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Acer UK boss Watkins quits

Updated: Acer UK boss Bobby Watkins has quit after a string of disastrous quarters in which the firm's sales collapsed, The Register can reveal. It is understood that Acer veteran Neil Marshall, currently director of global sales and marketing transformation, will be picking up the reins. Channel sources reckon that Watkins resigned as …
Paul Kunert, 25 Oct 2011
The Register breaking news

Smartphone black market fuels knife robberies

The Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) reckons demand for smartphones on the black market has in part fuelled a rise in knife robberies. According to a study of crime reports in the UK, police forces in England and Wales recorded nearly 15,000 robberies at knifepoint in the year to June, up 7 per cent on the previous …
Paul Kunert, 21 Oct 2011
homeless man with sign

WD: Thai flooding should speed EU decision on Hitachi

WD believes the flooding in Thailand puts greater impetus on the European Competition Commission to green-light its proposed acquisition of Hitachi Global Storage Technologies. The acquisition of Samsung's HDD biz by Seagate was cleared by competition regulators this week as they were notified of the deal by the vendor a day …
Paul Kunert, 21 Oct 2011
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WD: Thai floods will force hard drive prices up

WD has warned disk drive shortages will linger well into 2012 and price rises are inevitable as it deals with the aftermath of the severe flooding in Thailand. The country's worst floods in over half a century have so far claimed the lives of at least 317 people, affected more than nine million, and inundated 700,000 homes: 14, …
Paul Kunert, 20 Oct 2011
The Register breaking news

Apotheker right hand man Wohl exits HP

HP's short lived chief communication officer Bill Wohl - a close ally of blundering former CEO Leo Apotheker - has confirmed that he has followed his buddy out of the business. The man, who was on hand to advise Leo on the masterful handling of the PSG saga, and the TouchPad and WebOS announcement in August, revealed on Twitter …
Paul Kunert, 19 Oct 2011
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Lenovo aims to seize PC crown within 3 years

Lenovo is aiming to become the biggest shifter of PC tin on the planet within three years after recently swiping the number two spot from Dell. The once sleeping dragon is clearly wide awake – Lenovo outpaced worldwide market growth for the last eight consecutive quarters – and in a bullish mood. "We should be able to overtake …
Paul Kunert, 19 Oct 2011
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Gartner predicts global double-dip recession

Analysts at Gartner are prophesying a global double-dip recession that will test the mettle of corporate CIOs and squeeze budgets, but predict that businesses will continue to invest in IT. "The second recession is about to hit," Peter Sondergaard, senior veep for research at Gartner told an audience of around 8,500 industry …
Paul Kunert, 18 Oct 2011
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WD: Thailand floods worse than feared

WD is expecting flooding in Thailand to "significantly impact" disk drive availability this quarter after the situation deteriorated. The HDD giant last week confirmed that facilities close to Bangkok were closed as it dealt with the natural disaster. Rival Seagate is also evaluating the extent of the damage on sub assembly …
Paul Kunert, 17 Oct 2011
The Register breaking news

Sesame Street YouTube page hijacked by smut pushers

Deviant hackers broke into the Sesame Street channel on YouTube on Sunday to replace child-friendly movies of fluffy puppets with hardcore porn. Click to, er, enlarge The filthy flicks were only available for about 20 minutes before YouTube realised the error – that Kermit and Miss Piggy had not finally taken their …
Paul Kunert, 17 Oct 2011
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Thai floods threaten Seagate hard drive supply chain

Seagate is assessing the potential impact of flooding in Thailand on the production of hard disks that forced arch rival WD to temporarily halt manufacturing this week. Severe flooding has reportedly killed at least 280 people, inundated homes, disrupted transport links and caused chaos at utilities close to WD's facility, which …
Paul Kunert, 14 Oct 2011
The Register breaking news

ISPs end PM's web smut block dream

The big four ISPs – BT, Sky, TalkTalk and Virgin Media – have scoffed at suggestions that Brit web surfers could be forced to 'opt in' to view online grumble flicks. The proposed censorship, backed by Prime Minister David Cameron, was understood to be part of a government-supported effort to shelter children from pornography, …
Paul Kunert, 12 Oct 2011

NHS IT spending: The winners and losers

The pot of dosh dished out by NHS Connecting for Health to IT suppliers evaporated in fiscal 2011. Integration giants were the biggest losers as resellers gained ground. A Freedom of Information request by The Guardian revealed that spending by CfH – the delivery arm of the DfH's Informatics Directory – fell around 35 per cent …
Paul Kunert, 11 Oct 2011
The Register breaking news

Smut oglers told to opt in to keep web filth flowing

Grubby smut gazers will be forced to "opt in" to view porn under government-backed restrictions to be imposed on ISPs. PM David Cameron will propose a raft of measures today at a Downing Street meeting with Christian charity group Mothers' Union. The restrictions are designed to protect children from sexualised content. A …
Paul Kunert, 11 Oct 2011
The Register breaking news

Biker gang plunders Covent Garden Apple Store

Grieving Apple Store staff arrived to work this morning to find their Covent Garden shop had been plundered overnight by a biker gang. Two men are being questioned by coppers after the "smash and grab" raid at 1am today, just days after the death of billionaire Apple baron Steve Jobs. Coppers were alerted after a gang of around …
Paul Kunert, 10 Oct 2011
The Register breaking news

Furious HP staff stage protest over job cuts

Photo HP staff downed tools at the SIMO Network 2011 conference in Spain this week to protest against job cuts. hp_stop_layoffs_protesters If you're HP and you know it, wash your hands... An El Reg contact kindly took a photo as disgruntled workers took to the HP stand on 5 October only to lie down clasping placards urging their …
Paul Kunert, 07 Oct 2011
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HP anoints Mayer in global networks boss role

HP has confirmed that Bethany Mayer - caretaker of its global networking biz for the last four months - will get the job on a permanent basis. Former Mirapoint and Blue Coat exec Mayer arrived at HP in March 2010 as veep for marketing and alliances in the Enterprise Server, Storage and Networking (ESSN) division but got the …
Paul Kunert, 04 Oct 2011
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Lumison swallows DediPower Managed Hosting

Lumison has snapped up Reading-based cloud and co-lo player DediPower Managed Hosting for an undisclosed sum. This is the second deal this year for private equity backed, managed services provider Lumison, run by former Computacenter director Mark Howling, after forking out £22m for data centre co-location outfit Blue Square …
Paul Kunert, 04 Oct 2011
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HP finally swallows Autonomy

HP has finally concluded the $10.24bn acquisition of Cambridge-based enterprise search and BI software firm Autonomy. The £25.50-per-share offer was given the green light by 87 per cent of Autonomy's shareholders last night - a whopping 79 per cent premium on the stock price on 18 August when HP first lodged the bid. Reaching …
Paul Kunert, 04 Oct 2011
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Cisco veep slags off HP's PC biz wobble

Cisco quietly sat on the sidelines during the summer as a series of gaffes by a hapless senior executive team forced down HP's share price by a fifth. But the networking kingpin has found its voice again to predict that hitting the Personal Systems Group eject button will damage HP and its partners' bottom line and lead to price …
Paul Kunert, 03 Oct 2011
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HP networking boss leaves after less than a year

HP UK and Ireland networking boss Barry Bonnett is leaving the role after less than a year in charge, The Register can reveal. Formerly an exec at BT Media and Broadcast, Nortel and Stejac, Bonnett succeeded Daryl Brick – currently area partner director at Juniper Networks – in November 2010. Industry sources familiar with the …
Paul Kunert, 28 Sep 2011
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Clouds overshadow 'shrinking' UK server market

The UK server market is forecast to shrink next year as the corporate refresh nears it end of cycle and more SMEs turn to cloud computing instead of buying hardware. This is the view of the landscape in 2012 according to the number-crunchers at IDC, which downgraded previous estimates of a 2.1 per cent revenue decline for the …
Paul Kunert, 27 Sep 2011
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Sonex calls in administrators

Sonex Communications has called in the administrators to seek a way forward for its 15 ailing Sony Centres. The firm called in BDO LLP on 13 September after running into financial difficulties, but is continuing to trade with, as yet, no staff redundancies, according to a spokeswoman at Sony. "Sony Europe will be examining …
Paul Kunert, 27 Sep 2011
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Gartner: Apple rivals can't touch iPad

Pretenders to Apple's fondleslab crown will not overcome the domination of the iPad any time soon if the beancounters at Gartner are to be believed. In one of their less challenging predictions, the analysts said that rivals remain so far behind Apple and its shiny slates that the US giant will have a "free run" of the market …
Paul Kunert, 22 Sep 2011
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Former HP exec to run Citrix EMEA

Citrix has lured HP's global networking head Carlos Sartorius to run its EMEA operation. Sartorius has a CV listing exec roles at Motorola, Avaya, Orange Business Services and most recently HP, where he managed the networking operation in EMEA from the end of 2009 and was only pushed upstairs to a global role in June. "Carlos …
Paul Kunert, 22 Sep 2011
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Police authority loves Sprint ii buying regime

West Midlands Police Authority (WMPA) has retracted claims that the Sprint ii procurement agreement was more expensive than other options. The controversial single-supplier pan-public sector agreement has been much maligned since police forces in England and Wales were mandated to use it from March. WMPA also questioned …
Paul Kunert, 21 Sep 2011
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Reseller Insight gobbles consultancy biz

Reseller giant Insight Enterprises has swallowed US-based professional services outfit Ensynch. Ensynch, which employs 65 field engineers and 70 contractors, turned over $16.2m (£10.3m) last year. It carries Microsoft's Gold badge for virtualisation, ID and security, and portal and collaboration. Ken Lamneck, Insight CEO, said …
Paul Kunert, 20 Sep 2011
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HP sued by investor over PC and TouchPad antics

HP is facing legal action brought about by a disgruntled shareholder who claims the tech titan hid plans to review ownership of the PC biz and flush the TouchPad down the toilet [causing it to suddenly catch fire - ed]. The PC business may be sold, kept or as seems most likely spun off with the backing of private equity …
Paul Kunert, 16 Sep 2011
The Register breaking news

Fujitsu gov workers strike Monday: Unite on, PCS off

Unionised Fujitsu workers have called off their strike set for Monday after bosses at the firm "doubled" the pot of money available for pay rises with an additional £500,000 brought to the negotiating table. This is according to the Public and Commercial Services (PCS) union which following a ballot of its 720 members planned a …
Paul Kunert, 16 Sep 2011
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HP extends deadline as Autonomy shareholders drag feet

HP has extended the acceptance deadline for its Autonomy bid as fewer than half the UK software developers' shareholders approved the £7bn deal. Yesterday's closing date for agreeing on HP's £25.50 per share offer made on 19 August passed with just 42 per cent of Autonomy investors giving the thumbs-up, despite the deal …
Paul Kunert, 13 Sep 2011
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HP shelves plans to offshore DWP support roles

HP has abandoned plans to offshore the jobs of IT support staff working on the Adams 2 contract for the Department of Work and Pensions. The saga began in June when HP first revealed it was in talks to transfer some 200 roles based in north-east England to India to help it match the Government's demand to cut costs. The move …
Paul Kunert, 12 Sep 2011
The Register breaking news

Google greedily goobles foodie guide Zagat

Google has acquired Zagat, the US restaurant guide, to tag onto its search engine and mapping application. The purchase price is undisclosed. Google confirmed the deal in a blog entry, penned by Marissa Mayer, who currentlu heads up Local, Maps and Location Services "Zagat will be a cornerstone of our local offering - …
Paul Kunert, 08 Sep 2011
The Register breaking news

Swedish cops free boozy moose from tree

Swedish police were called to the aid of a pissed-up elk after it chomped on fermenting apples and became trapped in a tree that had been doubling up as its free bar. Coppers were alerted to the alcine alkie by residents living south of Gothenburg who heard his cries and initially attempted to free him. "I thought at first that …
Paul Kunert, 08 Sep 2011
The Register breaking news

Much of the human race made up of thieves, says BSA

Almost a half of all PCs in operation worldwide use pirated software, according to the Business Software Alliance (BSA). The industry body came to the number after tasking research firm Ipsos Public Affairs with a poll of 15,000 users in 32 countries, albeit a tiny fraction of the more than one billion clients used across the …
Paul Kunert, 07 Sep 2011
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Most organisations just not ready for Cloud: Computacenter

The majority of organisations do not have the infrastructure backbone to move wholesale to the cloud, according to a report by Computacenter. The services-based reseller took small steps into cloud provision earlier this year with the launch of C3 mail and has since added collaboration and virtual desktop solutions. But …
Paul Kunert, 07 Sep 2011
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HP plucks webOS team out of departing PC division

HP evidently sees a brighter future for its webOS platform after moving the team into the Office of Strategy and Technology (OS&T) as it figures out what to do with the software. The other half of the business HP acquired from Palm – the hardware element – will continue to reside in its Personal Systems Group that will likely be …
Paul Kunert, 05 Sep 2011