Paul Kunert

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Paul Kunert is the editor of Channel Register
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Arkansas Kum & Go onanist did just that

Arkansas state cops are trying to press the flesh with a local who took things slightly too literally when he opted for a five-knuckle shuffle outside a Kum & Go convenience store ... and then legged it without even leaving a phone number. Springdale Police Department put a call out on Facebook for anyone that can identify the …
Paul Kunert, 19 Jun 2015

Using leather in 'leccy cars is 'unTesla', rages vegan shareholder

Electric car maker Tesla needs to turn vegan by dropping leather upholstered interiors or play its part in the destruction of the Earth, according to some of its shareholders. Talking at yesterday’s AGM, Mark Peters and his vegan wife Elizabeth Farrell Peters – both Tesla fans who took a financial punt on the government- …
Paul Kunert, 10 Jun 2015

Soon your car won't let you drink. But it won't care if you're on the phone

Drink drivers jumping behind the wheel of a car after a boozy session at the pub might just find they are going nowhere fast, if alcohol sensor technology finally comes into play. Which it might at some point. Breath and touch-based sensors, to be used in cars to detect the amount of alcohol in the blood, are currently being …
Paul Kunert, 07 Jun 2015
Broke - empty pockets

Apple preps summer bonking bonanza for Brits

People of Blighty rejoice for you will soon be able to bonk with Apple - the contactless mobile payment service is reportedly landing this summer, or to be a little more precise in two months time. The launch of Apple Pay is expected to be touted about at this year’s worldwide developer knees up on Monday, or so says The …
Paul Kunert, 07 Jun 2015
Graph of US dollar going up CC 2.0

Surging dollar value brightens Tech Data’s European revenues

The unfavourable forex rate leaving US vendors with a damp patch on their financial results in Europe ironically might have helped Tech Data in its opening quarter of fiscal 2016. The world’s second largest tech distie reported sales of $5.8bn for Q1 ended 30 April, down 12 per cent year-on-year, but better than Wall Street …
Paul Kunert, 29 May 2015
HP Logo splitting in two

HP: you know we said we were done with cost cutting...

Just when the folk at HP Enterprise Services thought the multi-year cost cutting timetable was almost at an end, along comes another plan to lop $2bn off the expenses bill. The division reported a 16 per cent drop in turnover to $4.81bn in HP’s second quarter of fiscal ’15 ended 30 April, although profit before tax went up 31 …
Paul Kunert, 24 May 2015
Files in manager's desk drawers: manila folder marked "Redundancies". Image via shutterstock

BlackBerry: We ARE cutting jobs AGAIN

Blackberry is to axe workers across its loss-making hardware division to lighten overheads, the ailing Canadian smartphone maker has confirmed. The company temporarily broke into the black during Q4 of fiscal ’15 ended February, but this short run of fortune couldn’t mask the wider malaise and yet another year of losses. CEO …
Paul Kunert, 24 May 2015

£300m education tech framework is LIVE

Crown Commercial Services has rung the bell on the mega ICT for Education framework, with 21 suppliers passing the entrance exam, one more than was originally planned for. The four-year agreement was first tendered last October and the roll out was delayed by a couple of weeks due to the high number of responses from candidates …
Paul Kunert, 22 May 2015

Salesforce: Profit pah! We’ll be back in the red before you know it

Software service slinger banked its first operating profit in 18 quarters — yes, you read that correctly — but reassuringly confirmed it will be back in the red again in the next trading period. The cloudy-based CRM and marketing apps maker reported sales of $1.51bn for the three months ended 30 April, up 23 per …
Paul Kunert, 21 May 2015

Stateside security screeners sacked for squeezing 'sexy' sacks

Two security strokers screeners at Denver airport got the boot after investigators were tipped off about gratuitous groin groping of certain male travellers, a police report reveals. The Office of Inspection of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) were informed of the pair’s pervy prowess and did a little probing of …
Paul Kunert, 16 Apr 2015

Hortonworks to gobble Budapest-based SequenceIQ

Hortonworks decided it needed an automated tool to launch Hadoop clusters in the cloud, or any environment supporting Docker containers, and one buy of SequenceIQ later, ’tis done. The loss-making slinger of enterprise Apache Hadoop is to consume the Budapest-based open source developer of rapid deployment tools, for an …
Paul Kunert, 14 Apr 2015

Lenovo: MSPs and CSPs, PLEASE come buy our servers

Chinese PC ruler Lenovo has arrived at the cloud and managed services provider party relatively late, with a sales programme tucked under its arm and an expanded x86 server portfolio brochure in hand. The biggest purveyors of the fluffy white stuff already have their designs custom built by ODMs in the Far East - a point not …
Paul Kunert, 10 Apr 2015
Tim Cook as Mr T

Tim Cook: I'll give just a THIRD of what Gates gave to charity last year

Apple CEO Tim Cook has confirmed he is to hand over his relatively measly fortune to charity for the betterment of the planet – once he’s paid off his nephew’s college bill. This is not some sort of publicity stunt to reinforce Apple’s image as a benevolent tech designer. Scurrilous hacks at lesser publications might suggest …
Paul Kunert, 27 Mar 2015

Redundo-happy IBMers will benefit from High Court pension ruling

IBMers that take voluntary redundancy ahead of a High Court ruling on the firm’s pension scheme will still benefit from any remedies set out should they leave, according to an internal document. Staffers who were refused salary increases because they railed against changes to pensions were told they are able to claim damages in …
Paul Kunert, 16 Mar 2015

HP's ailing Enterprises Service unit bags 'mega' TNT gig

HP’s sickly Enterprise Services (ES) unit continues to show signs of recovery after putting pen to paper on a “mega” six-year managed services deal with Dutch logistics biz TNT. The project, believed to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars, follows hot on the heels of a decade long outsourcing agreement with Deutsche Bank, …
Paul Kunert, 16 Mar 2015
Files in manager's desk drawers: manila folder marked "Redundancies". Image via shutterstock

IBM staffers climb over each other in race for redundancy payout

IBMers working in the Systems Middleware (SM) division are falling over themselves to volunteer for redundancy, with the programme heavily oversubscribed. Some 110 people want to leave the company with a big fat cheque, which is way more than the ten per cent of the division’s 736-strong workforce that IBM had in mind. The …
Paul Kunert, 13 Mar 2015
Scary Skeleton Samba

Pull on your dancing shoes, the server market's ALLLLIVE

It looks like execs behind the biggest server-makers can dust off those dancing boots and get jiggy with it again – the market is expanding in both box shipments and the value of them. The second half of last year proved to be a turning point for what had become a shrinking sector, with Gartner reporting prelim numbers showing …
Paul Kunert, 03 Mar 2015

Insight: Have you heard about Windows Server 2003 support?

As organisations using Windows Server 2003 march - perhaps with ill-found confidence - toward the expiry date for Microsoft support, Insight Enterprises has scare stories galore warnings for them. The software licence and box slinger reckons it has identified five “key problems” that will give sysadmins sleepless nights and …
Paul Kunert, 02 Mar 2015

Tulsa woman bludgeons man mercilessly with laptop

This is not a good way to come out of deep sleep. A US man was awoken from his drunken stupor by the pain of his girlfriend sinking her fangs into his gentleman’s sausage and bludgeoning him with her laptop. The incident took place in Tulsa, Oklahoma on 19 February, following a boozy session and subsequent argument between Amber …
Paul Kunert, 02 Mar 2015

BP: Oil prices crashed, so must our ICT budget

BP has confirmed it is looking to squeeze costs from its annual ICT budget on the back of crashing oil prices, and well-placed sources tell us the business wants to identify $300m in savings. It’s been a tough couple of years for the over-enthusiastic oil seeker and distributor, what with the crisis in Gulf of Mexico and more …
Paul Kunert, 27 Feb 2015
Columns of coins in the cloud

Deutsche Bank pens cloudy infrastructure deal with HP

Fat outsourcing contracts are relatively few and far between these days, so HP’s 10-year, multi-billion dollar global win with Deutsche Bank is a welcome shot in the arm for its declining Enterprise Services division. The deal was signed before Chrimbo – we asked HP for comment at the time but it refused to talk – but it went …
Paul Kunert, 24 Feb 2015

Fears mount over future of hardware distributor Gamma Global

Concerns are mounting over the future of Gamma Global amid claims that top brass are reviewing strategic options after hitting a financial bump. Multiple sources told us suppliers are fearful of not getting paid should the worst case scenario materialise for the Manchester-based broker of HP, APC and Cisco kit. “They owe a lot …
Paul Kunert, 24 Feb 2015

HP Split: Naming the big dogs for new-look giant

Exclusive More pieces of HP’s management puzzle are being slotted into place at a country and regional level, ahead of the major split in the corporation planned for October. As world + dog knows, the PC and print businesses are to separate from the rest of the organisation to create HP Inc, with all other divisions falling under …
Paul Kunert, 18 Feb 2015

Wanted: PC salesman to head up HP's UK channel ops

Headhunters may be scrambling for their phones on the back of the news that HP is on the look-out for someone with PC sales skills to conduct its UK channel orchestra. A note was distributed to some HP workers this week that Damian Cusick is leaving the enterprise, SMB and channel director role, stating that he is looking for a …
Paul Kunert, 13 Feb 2015

GRUNTY CHIMPS 'blend in among locals' after moving to Scotland

Chimps imported to a Scottish zoo have learned to grunt like the locals, boffins have discovered, in a finding sure to wobble a few linguistic applecarts. Nine immigrant primates from a safari park in the Netherlands had been accustomed to using high pitched moans to call for apples, their favourite food, but all this changed …
Paul Kunert, 06 Feb 2015

Symantec sees profits crash ahead of corporate divorce

Symantec’s latest financials bear all the hallmarks of a business whose dramatic bisection is causing some uncertainty for customers and channel partners. A cleaver will be driven through the security and storage business by the end of this year to create two separate publicly traded entities. The groundwork for this is well …
Paul Kunert, 06 Feb 2015

Insight cloud guru snubs global job, walks over to Brit upstart

Ash Patel, the man who helped Insight Enterprises shape and lead its cloud strategy in Europe, has not only turned down a global services role at the firm but is now hot-footing it to rival Microsoft house Cobweb Solutions. Patel led UK cloud biz development from 2011 and was made EMEA head of the fluffy white stuff two years …
Paul Kunert, 04 Feb 2015

National Lottery website goes TITSUP again

The UK National Lottery website was down and out for the second time in days this morning, indicating further plumbing work was required following last weekend’s network wobble. The site first crashed early on Sunday for roughly 18 hours due to a technical glitch that lotto operator Camelot Business Solutions told us had been …
Paul Kunert, 03 Feb 2015

Arrow Electronics buys Computacenter tech disposal biz for £56m

It may be cold outside, but Computacenter (CC) investors have got a warm glow this morning – they are to receive a £100m windfall, partly financed by the sale of the tech disposal and asset recovery biz. The London-listed tech supplier last night revealed to the City the sale of RD Trading (RDC) for £56m in cash to the UK arm of …
Paul Kunert, 03 Feb 2015
IBM CEO Ginni Rometty

Tough at the top: IBM CEO Ginni Rometty troughs $10 MEELLION+

It may not be the best time to be one of the great unwashed at IBM but it certainly pays to be on the exec team, particularly if your name is Virginia Rometty. At a time when Big Blue is cutting its cloth according to the new era of cloud, mobility, social, analytics and security by chopping thousands of job, the CEO got a …
Paul Kunert, 02 Feb 2015

Citrix: Hmmm, profit down 30%? Right. 900 HEADS WILL ROLL

Hundreds of workers at Citrix Systems are to be shown the door to counter nose-diving profit and boost the R&D pot. The purveyor of virtualisation, networking and cloud infrastructure stuff last night rolled out results for the three months ended 31 December and sales were up six per cent to $851m – analysts had forecast $844.3m …
Key in a wooden door. PIC by Tawheed Mazoor - licensed under CC 2.0

Meat puppet security sucks... let machines find your flaws

Commercial organisations have cash to burn on stopping hackers getting into the network, but relatively little to spend on dealing with a breach. This poses a challenge for Darktrace, a two-year-old organisation founded by former members of the intelligence community and backed by former Autonomy CEO Mike Lynch’s investment fund …
Paul Kunert, 27 Jan 2015

IBM to cut '118k jobs worldwide' – report claims

Updated IBM is reportedly planning to jettison 118,000 workers to counter 11 quarters of declining sales and the impact of shifting industry demand – which, if true, would make it one of the biggest corporate culls on record. El Chan recently broke the huge divisional revamp at Big Blue in a worldwide exclusive, with a series of new …
Paul Kunert, 26 Jan 2015

Symantec sources claim exec teams in place by April Fools' Day

Symantec execs will line up under the classic security or information management divisions from April Fools’ Day – no, seriously – amid talk that senior management may revive the Veritas storage brand. Weeks ago, El Chan revealed UK boss Simon Moor had upped sticks and left Huw Owen, head of EMEA, in temporary charge of local …
Paul Kunert, 26 Jan 2015

Telefónica to offload O2 to Three daddy Hutchison for £10.25bn

Telefónica confirmed this morning it has entered into an “exclusivity agreement” with Hutchison Whampoa that could see it offload subsidiary O2 for up to £10.25bn in cash. Talks between the pair surfaced last weekend and if signed and sealed will further consolidate the mobe carrier space, coming weeks after BT turned its back …
Paul Kunert, 23 Jan 2015

Dell director Poskett leaves Dell for new role at … Dell

Less than two months after rocking up as Dell UK’s public sector enterprise solutions director , Dave Poskett is set to perch his backside on a new hot seat at, erm, the Texan tech baron. The industry vet is set to run the enterprise solution channels for the privately held organisation, reporting to Peter Barnes, chieftain of …
Paul Kunert, 22 Jan 2015

Tat bazaar eBay confirms: THOUSANDS of workers will be AXED

Loss-making online tat bazaar eBay finally confirmed it will throw thousands of workers overboard and review options to sell or float the Enterprise side of the business. The developments were made public as eBay rolled out calendar Q4 financials with revenues up nine per cent to $4.9bn, and net income rising ten per cent to $ …
Paul Kunert, 22 Jan 2015

Microsoft: Flunked our test? Fear not, techies...

Microsoft knows all about second chances – just look at Windows 8.1 – and now it is giving techies who failed the Certified Professional exam the first time around another bite of the cherry. The company this month has awarded an exclusive contract to testing centre Pearson Vue; it had previously worked exclusively with …
Paul Kunert, 21 Jan 2015
management social5

Pure Storage confirms EMEA veep Rose has left the building

It is a strange world when the EMEA* organisation of a business boasts about meteoric growth and then parts with the boss of that region – but this is exactly what Pure Storage has done. The flash storage business has waved bye-bye to industry vet Steven Rose, who less than a year ago joined as veep and is now looking for his …
Paul Kunert, 21 Jan 2015

BT bemoans 'misconceived' SUPERFAST broadband regs

Ofcom is attempting to clip BT’s financial wings by proposing to regulate the margins it banks from superfast broadband sales to consumers, essentially to prevent the firm from future profiteering and elbowing rivals out of the market. The Brit telco monopoly is the largest provider of fibre broadband services over its network …
Paul Kunert, 15 Jan 2015
management management4

Acer slips Wang Andresen into senior Euro slot

Weeks after Acer waved goodbye to EMEA chief Luca Rossi, it has handed some control of the region’s ops to UK chief Marco Grieco Wang Andresen, who has in turn been succeeded by Gavin Parrish. As revealed by The Channel, Rossi left Acer on the eve of Christmas Eve after less than six months on the job, with little explanation …
Paul Kunert, 14 Jan 2015
Screenshot of Microsoft promotional video touting Office 2013's cloud integration

All change at Microsoft as Hyde slips into cloudy costume

The head of Microsoft’s enterprise licensing channel has split to take on a newly created role for cloudy partners, in what could be seen as a signal of where the partner power base is shifting. Edward Hyde, director of the licensing solutions providers (LSPs), formerly the large account reseller network, is to become operations …
Paul Kunert, 13 Jan 2015
IBM CEO Ginni Rometty

IBM ushers in BIGGEST EVER re-org for the cloud era, say insiders

IBM CEO Ginni Rometty is instigating the biggest global re-org in the history of the corporation in a bid to carve out a clearer future in a cloudy world. Multiple sources told us senior managers were this week informed about the changes that will see IBM try to shed the dusty hardware, software and services silo structure. The …
Paul Kunert, 09 Jan 2015

Peak Samsung: Bottom line walloped in Chinese mobe, slab war

Cheap slabs and smartphones from Chinese brands are taking a toll on the once seemingly unstoppable tech sales machine Samsung Electronics as it forecast a year-on-year crash in Q4 profit. The chaebol warned in a preliminary earnings guidance message that operating profit will be more than 37 per cent lighter on the same period …
Paul Kunert, 08 Jan 2015

Tesco tosses loss-making Blinkbox into TalkTalk's basket

Scandal-smacked Tesco has offloaded loss-making video-on-demand service blinkbox movies along with its fixed line voice and broadband biz to TalkTalk for an undisclosed cash fee. Negotiations between the pair came to light at the end of last year, and this morning TalkTalk said the buy would speed up “key initiatives” it was …
Paul Kunert, 08 Jan 2015
Fraud image

Windows Server 2003 custom support could cost MILLIONS

Business leaders who dismissed calls from the IT department to migrate off Windows Server 2003 as nothing more than a maintenance exercise could be left rueing a potentially costly seven-figure financial howler. Extended support for the OS expires on 14 July, meaning no more security patches or updates from Microsoft after that …
Paul Kunert, 19 Dec 2014

How much for a wrist job? A tenner normally, but for this one, over $30k

The wait is almost over for footballers, Arab oil magnates, the fanbois elite, Croydon-based lottery winners, or anyone else with a money to burn: a diamond-encrusted Apple Watch will hit the shops next year with an eye-popping price tag. The gaunche-wear, a ‘pimped up’ version of the Watch, comes plastered with eight rounds of …
Paul Kunert, 19 Dec 2014

Swiss McDonalds serves up no-holes-barred cheesy action to punters

Customers at a McDonald’s got to see an entirely different type of muffin from the ones on the menu, after staff mistakenly broadcast a blue movie on LCD screens at a fast food outlet. The filth-flick flesh fest occurred on Saturday night in the sleepy town of Zuckwil, north Switzerland and was first spotted - unsurprisingly - …
Paul Kunert, 15 Dec 2014

Cisco: Think we're a lawsuit-hurling villain? 'Complete garbage'

Anyone that paints Cisco as a sueball-slinging bully boy that flexes its legal eagles to stem rivals' innovation is talking “complete garbage”, or so says its president of development and sales. The denial comes after Cisco last week filed several lawsuits in the US to "stop" Arista's "repeated and pervasive copying of key …
Paul Kunert, 12 Dec 2014
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NASA's British cloudy collab provider scores $51m from VCs

Cloudy storage and collaboration service provider Huddle has trousered millions more cash from vulture venture capitalists to spend on biz development on both sides of the Atlantic. The UK-based outfit, started by CEO Alastair Mitchell in 2007, last night took home a $51m Series D round of funding, valuing the business at …
Paul Kunert, 12 Dec 2014