Paul Kunert

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Paul Kunert is the editor of Channel Register
Sheaf of £50 notes poised on the rim of a toilet bowl as toilet is flushed. Collage of two photos sourced from Shutterstock

Market pulls chain on Crapita share price after first ever profit warning

Capita’s share price went into freefall this morning after its first ever profit warning, with troubles at the tech reselling and recruitment services units blamed, as well as costly delays to its Transport for London contract. Turnover grew four per cent in the first half of the year, but Capita confirmed “subsequently, our …
Paul Kunert, 29 Sep 2016
Redback spider. Photo by shutterstock

Redback sinks fangs into Aussie's todger AGAIN... second time in five months

An Aussie builder has endured the agony of being bitten on the todger by a redback spider for the second time in five months*. The 21-year-old who asked not to be fully named, for obvious reasons, said that lightning had indeed struck twice in “pretty much the same spot” when used a portable loo on a building site in Sydney …
Paul Kunert, 28 Sep 2016
Argos Cannon Street Station, photo: Argos

Argos tech team updates iOS app with helpful info on 'eleventy-billion toilet seats'

Strange things are afoot among the developer team at Argos, it’s just not clear if an ill-judged lunchtime trip to the boozer, hijincks related to the recent £1.4bn takeover by Sainsbury’s or a rogue staffer are to blame. Argos screengrab from reader's phone.... Screengrab from the iPhone of a gentle Reg reader... The iOS …
Paul Kunert, 28 Sep 2016
Pennies in a jar. Photo via Shutterstock

Damn you Brexit! You screwed my biz – LSE-listed tech supplier

The management team at Alternative Networks has played the Brexit card to explain why the London-listed IT and comms integrator has missed profit expectations for FY’16, which ends this month. The Mobile division had stabilised and with cost-cutting actions to offset the impact of new tariffs on roaming rates, margins were …
Paul Kunert, 27 Sep 2016
A large hand flicks an icon of a little red man. Image via shutterstock (Lasse Kristensen)

More Lenovo staffers to be buried in the redundancy pit

Lenovo has told around 1,100 staff they are surplus to requirements as it battens down the hatches following continued weakness in smartphone demand. The Chinese tech giant confirmed the “resource action” will affect “less than two per cent” of the roughly 55,000 people employed worldwide. “The majority of the positions being …
Paul Kunert, 27 Sep 2016
I quit

Fujitsu UK sales director: I'm off

It is all change at the top of Fujitsu’s product business with UK sales director Kevin Matthews quitting after he struggled to get the revenue dial moving in the right direction, sources have told us. Former HP veteran Matthews signed up to lead the vendor’s direct sales and channel organisation in October. He joined amid …
Paul Kunert, 27 Sep 2016

That's cold: This is how our boss told us our jobs are at risk, staffers claim

Shrinking Cisco Gold reseller Intrinsic Technology has put a bunch of staff across various departments at risk of redundancy amid an organisational restructure. Employees at the Merseyside-based company were last week ushered into one of three boardrooms where presentations were played simultaneously to sales, HR & support and …
Paul Kunert, 27 Sep 2016
Man counts pounds and pence. Photo by Shutterstock

Matt LeBlanc handed £1.5m to front next two series of Top Gear

Former Friends star Matt MeBlanc has penned a £1.5m deal with licence fee payers of the BBC to front up Top Gear for the next two series. Joining the chisel jawed comedy actor are car journos Chris Harris and Rory Reid, along with regular guests including domineering ex-Formula One team boss Eddie Jordan, pro motor racer …
Paul Kunert, 26 Sep 2016
shutterstock_206717503

Ever longed to be naked in Paris? City council votes TODAY

French nationals, tourists - in fact anyone and everyone - may soon be able to get their kit off and walk through Paris - well, a designated area - without fear of a hefty fine. The Green Party for the capital of love will today propose at a city council meeting that a nudist park be created, though the exact location has yet …
Paul Kunert, 26 Sep 2016
Falcon9

SpaceX: Breach in liquid oxygen tank caused Falcon 9 fireball ... probably

A large breach in the liquid oxygen tank of SpaceX’s Falcom 9 rocket likely caused the explosion during a test at the start of this month, investigators have said. A static firing test at the Cape Canaveral Air Force Station in Florida ended abruptly when the rockets burst into flames on the launchpad and disintegrated, along …
Paul Kunert, 24 Sep 2016

Oracle execs get that shrinking feeling

It still pays to run Oracle, just not as much as it used to - top executives’ packages shrank by double digits in fiscal ’16 as the software titan continued to desperately seek out cloud business. Company co-founder Larry Ellison, who these days also carries the CTO and exec chairman titles, received $41.5m in total for the 12 …
Paul Kunert, 24 Sep 2016

Winners and losers: Here's who made the cut for mega TP2 framework

A public sector contracts fat cat and some household PC brands are among the suppliers that failed to directly win a place on a mega pan-government hardware and software framework contract, according to a preliminary list seen by The Register. The Technology Products (TP) 2 agreement, worth up to £4bn over four years, is due …
Paul Kunert, 23 Sep 2016
Privacy image

Here's how to see Tim Cook or SatNad strut their starkers stuff

NSFW Ever wanted to see Apple CEO Tim Cook shaking his naked tush, or Satya Nadella bare a lot more flesh than he does at Microsoft conferences? Your wait is over, thanks to a nasty application of facial recognition software. Megacams.me has a new feature on its live cam sex site that allows people weirdoes to upload pics of …
Paul Kunert, 22 Sep 2016
Cloudy shopping trolley in the sky (representing cloud sales/procurement). Photo by Shutterstock

Microsoft cuts ribbon on Euro cloud bit barn for Office 365, Azure

Microsoft has started to serve up Azure services from a new cloud region in Germany – operated under the supervision of a data trustee – to pitch for European punters with concerns about security and data sovereignty. Redmond's plans for expanding its cloud footprint were confirmed last year by CEO Satya Nadella, and included …
Paul Kunert, 21 Sep 2016

Hewlett Packard Enterprise bigwig chuckles at talk of buyout talks

The number two at Hewlett Packard Enterprise has brushed off talk the slimmed-down organisation could be vulnerable to a takeover, as the company is again linked with “possible” buyers - this time around Huawei, Lenovo, Oracle, Cisco and, er, Dell. Antonio Neri, executive veep and general manager for the Enterprise Group, told …
Paul Kunert, 21 Sep 2016
legal

India court could stop Facebook’s WhatsApp mega-slurp

Facebook is facing legal action in India over its attempt to slurp up user data from WhatsApp users. Two Indian students have gone to court in Delhi to demand Facebook reverses changes to WhatsApp’s privacy policy. The public-litigation case will be heard later this week, just before the new policy comes into effect. The new …
Paul Kunert, 20 Sep 2016
Profits down, image via Shutterstock

IDC: Those servers numbers just keep on tumbling

The latest server sales figures for Europe, Middle East and Africa show the continued march of no name server makers as enterprises and big data centres increasingly buy hardware directly from ODMs fron the Far East. IDC numbers showed revenues down 3.7 per cent to $3bn despite a modest 0.8 per cent increase in the number of …
Paul Kunert, 20 Sep 2016

Tech Data to slurp Avnet TS for $2.6 BEEELLLION

Tech Data is to buy Avnet Technology Solutions for $2.6bn in a deal that, when completed, will create the chunkiest enterprise IT distie on the planet. Under the terms of the transaction, Tech Data will stump up $2.4bn in cash and 2.785 million of its shares (roughly seven per cent of the ownership position), the US companies …
Paul Kunert, 19 Sep 2016
Woman packs up contents of desk. Image via shutterstock

CSC straps another 100 jobs to redundo cannon, lights fuse, walks off

CSC UK execs left sweating over local profit “challenges” have again opted to expunge costs from the business in a time-honoured fashion by strapping human capital to the employment cannons. Not content with running one redundancy programme this summer – the first started in May with the aim of losing 248 jobs – top brass have …
Paul Kunert, 19 Sep 2016

HPE: Come on in, cool cloud kids, we won't compete with you – unlike *cough* Dell

Hewlett Packard Enterprise is seeking a love-in with service providers that deliver cloudy stuff to customers. The IT giant reckons that unlike its arch rivals, there’ll be no competitive friction to turn things sour. For the first time at HPE’s Global Partner knees-up – taking place in Boston, Massachusetts – cloud providers …
Paul Kunert, 14 Sep 2016

HPE EMEA boss confirms shuffling of exec deck

HPE GPC '16 Hewlett Packard Enterprise’s latest EMEA chief has lined up his generals and the divisions they will run from the start of the new fiscal year beginning November. Andy Isherwood, who replaced Peter Ryan as senior veep for the Enterprise Group and MD for EMEA in July, is preparing for life after Enterprise Services and the …
Paul Kunert, 14 Sep 2016

Gimps with big Dell balls hijack HPE's partner shindig

Dell Technologies chose a bizarre, seemingly cheap way to hijack Hewlett Packard Enterprises Global Partner Conference this morning that involved gimps with big balls. The troupe, unnervingly dressed head to toe in black tights, held aloft balls - or balloons if you prefer - that either carried the Dell and EMC brand or claims …
Paul Kunert, 14 Sep 2016
Rotten apple

HP doorsteps Apple shoppers at the altar of dreams

HP Inc GPC '16 HP Inc has launched a new sales tactic to take on Apple - hijacking worshippers of expensive iThings as soon as they step outside the altar of dreams to compare Macs with its slim and light PCs. Taking to the stage of the Global Partner Conference in Boston, Ron Coughlin, HP president of the Personal Systems division, did what …
Paul Kunert, 13 Sep 2016

Waters named HPE boss on his 40th b'day

White smoke emanated from the towers at Hewlett Packard Enterprise’s London-based digs yesterday as Marc Waters was ordained leader of UK and Ireland ops. The permanent job offer always seemed on the cards when Waters was made acting MD in July, taking over from Andy Isherwood, who was himself elevated to EMEA boss in a …
Paul Kunert, 13 Sep 2016

The next Bond – Basildon or Bass-Ass? YOU decide

With Hollywood types scratching their heads over who'll be the next James Bond, El Reg called on our finest asset - the beloved readers - to propose a successor to Daniel Craig, and you didn’t disappoint. The proposals ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous - anyone would think this wasn’t a serious exercise. And as …
Paul Kunert, 12 Sep 2016