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Terror in the Chernobyl dead zone: Life - of a wild kind - burgeons

The Chernobyl "Dead Zone": a terrible wasteland swept clean of life by a foolish humanity's meddling in things best left alone. Or is it? Not so much, it turns out. Not only were the consequences of Chernobyl relatively minor for human health* - they've actually been very positive for wildlife in the area around the abandoned …
Lewis Page, 06 Oct 2015
Artist's impression of how Fomalhalt b might look

THESE ARE THE VOYAGES of the space probe Discovery

NASA's scheme for reasonably priced space probes, the Discovery programme, has issued a new short list of ideas for its next economical science-shot. The idea is to choose a cunning lightweight mission which can be ready to go in no more than a few years, and get it out into space before it can snowball into a budgetary …
Lewis Page, 01 Oct 2015

FATTIES have most SUCCESS with opposite SEX! Have some pies and SCORE

Yet more great news today for those assessed as fatties by the now massively discredited Body Mass Index (BMI) system: you're probably more successful with the opposite sex than your undernourished contemporaries. We learn this from a new study by trick-cyclists in California, who surveyed 60,058 heterosexual men and women …
Lewis Page, 01 Oct 2015

Massive global cooling process discovered as Paris climate deal looms

As world leaders get ready to head to Paris for the latest pact on cutting CO2 emissions, it has emerged that there isn't as much urgency about the matter as had been thought. A team of top-level atmospheric chemistry boffins from France and Germany say they have identified a new process by which vast amounts of volatile …
Lewis Page, 30 Sep 2015
iPhone explodes

WATERPROOF iPhone 6Ss? Old news. Check out the OTHER 7 SECRET FEATURES

We here at the Reg, as all our readers know, subscribe completely to the idea that people need a continual stream of iPhone related news-style content. We were especially impressed by the idea that the new iPhone 6S and 6S Plus might be "secretly waterproof". Some curmudgeons might suggest that this is merely a standard …
Lewis Page, 29 Sep 2015
The Mondoshawn, genetically perfect beings in <i>The Fifth Element</i>

NASA announcement of MAJOR MARS DISCOVERY imminent: WHAT can it be?

Poll The clock is counting down to NASA's imminent announcement as to just what the "major" discovery it has made on Mars could be. But there's still time left for us here at the Register to run one of our AI neural network bigdata analytics crowdsauce investigations, which should infallibly furnish the answer well beforehand. We …
Lewis Page, 28 Sep 2015

Robot Romeo gets its 'antenna' snapped off in attempt to 'charm' testy American

A robotic Romeo, attempting to "charm" or "distract" its target, suffered damage to its antenna during an altercation with a man in North Carolina, according to media reports. The machine was an "elite member" of a specialist local police unit. The Times-News of Hendersonville, North Carolina, has the story, in which sheriff's …
Lewis Page, 28 Sep 2015
A bee covered with pollen on a flower

Get ready for a grim future where BEES have SHORTER TONGUES

Humanity may have to live in a terrifying future where bumblebees have shorter tongues unless the menace of global warming can be abated, a new scientific study suggests. Ace bumblebee researchers reveal to a flabbergasted world today, courtesy of the learned journal Science: We found that in two alpine bumble bee species, …
Lewis Page, 25 Sep 2015

VW: Just the tip of the pollution iceberg. Who's to blame? Hippies

Comment Volkswagen, one of the world's biggest car groups, is in serious trouble this week as it turned out that millions of its diesel engines have been emitting vast, prohibited amounts of polluting nitrogen oxides (NOx). The fact is, however, that the Volkswagen story is only a small part of the NOx story – in which the human race …
Lewis Page, 25 Sep 2015
Apple iPhone 4s, 5s, 6 and 6 Plus

FOUR STUNNING NEW FEATURES Cook should put in the iPHONE 7

It's the eve of iPhone Day, the most magical time of the year, when fanbois' and fangurls' little faces light up as they tear open the packages tomorrow. It's the day that we celebrate the coming of a new Jesus Phone down to Earth to be seen amongst mortals yet again. But there are a lot of, pardon us for shooting straight …
Lewis Page, 24 Sep 2015

Global warming stopped in 1998? No it didn't. If you say that, you're going to PRISON

In extraordinary developments, assorted scientists and other academics have waded into the debate over the widely-acknowledged absence of global warming seen over the last 15+ years. The various researchers, one group of whom are based at Stanford, say that actually the hiatus simply didn't happen. "There never was a hiatus, …
Lewis Page, 18 Sep 2015
The rebranded MPCV (aka Orion) participating in a Mars mission. Credit: NASA

SPACED OUT: NASA's manned Orion podule pushed back to 2023

NASA's plan to carry out manned space missions beyond Earth's low orbit has stalled to 2023. The American astro-boffins were aiming to deploy the Orion manned capsule in 2021, but the program has stumbled. A prototype Orion capsule has already made a brief unmanned test flight atop a Delta IV Heavy launch stack, in December …
Lewis Page, 17 Sep 2015

Blood-crazy climate mosquitoes set to ground Santa's reindeer

Some say the menace of climate change has been overblown: but they couldn't be more wrong, as it has emerged that global warming is set to extirpate - or anyway, seriously annoy - the lovable arctic reindeer. This is because, according to a new climate model, a warming arctic will soon be overrun with bloodlusting mosquitoes …
Lewis Page, 17 Sep 2015
Sunset in the Arctic

Arctic summer ice cover is 31st HIGHEST EVER RECORDED

It's that time of year when the sea ice in the Arctic shrinks to its annual minimum, and it appears that this year's figure is most probably in. It's the 31st largest minimum extent on record, as it happens, which isn't especially newsworthy as reliable records only go back 35 years. It's a lot more fashionable to report this …
Lewis Page, 16 Sep 2015
Mare_Byrd_land Antarctica

Burn ALL the COAL, OIL – NO danger of SEA LEVEL rise this century from Antarctic ice melt

One of the world's most firmly global-warmist scientists says that even if humanity deliberately sets out to burn all the fossil fuels it can find, as fast as it can, there will be no troublesome sea level rise due to melting Antarctic ice this century. Dr Ken Caldeira's credentials as a global warmist are impeccable. He is …
Lewis Page, 15 Sep 2015

Sierra Nevada snow hasn't been this bad since 1500AD

You'll read it everywhere - there hasn't been so little snow in California's Sierra Nevada for FIVE HUNDRED years. But how do they know? The first people possessing written language to visit the Sierras got there less than two centuries ago. To be sure there will have been native Americans in the area back in the sixteenth …
Lewis Page, 15 Sep 2015

Vanished global warming may not return – UK Met Office

There hasn't actually been any global warming for the last fifteen years or so - this much is well known. But is this just a temporary hiccup set to end soon? A new report from the UK's weather bureau says it just might not be. The Met Office boffins believe that, yes, a long-expected El Nino is at last starting up in the …
Lewis Page, 14 Sep 2015

IoT/BYOD Topic of the Week: Which Channel 5 news minx was HOTTEST?

AI neural network Data Scoop Well, it's been something of a week: and one of the main tech news events, like it or lump it, has been the appearance of the Apple MaxiPad - aka the Apple Surface Pro, or even in some circles iPad Pro Air Beats. Naturally the forecast appearance of the strokable whopper led us here at the Register to speculate on the target …
Lewis Page, 11 Sep 2015
Ashes Cricket 2013

BORN to HURL: Man's shoulders are head and shoulders above apes, gorillas, chimps etc

Top-level bone fondlers delving back into humanity's remote past say that the key adaptation which lifted us from the ruck of other primates was a change to the shoulder permitting us - among other things - to play cricket by hurling balls and wielding bats. "These changes in the shoulder, which were probably initially driven …
Lewis Page, 09 Sep 2015

Apple hypegasm countdown. What will the new, big iPad ACTUALLY be called?

Neural Net AI (Poll) Much of the world is poised on the edge of its collective seat this week, awaiting the scheduled moment tomorrow when mighty Apple - the fruitchomp-branded love/hate Wall Street darling of the technology world - will unveil its latest offerings. But what will these be? Just how will the great brains of Cupertino seek to …
Lewis Page, 08 Sep 2015
Shows Henslow tree-planting in Cambridge.

TREE-HUGGER? Your WOODEN HAREM is much BIGGER than thought

Tree-lovers rejoice! It turns out there are really hugely more trees on planet Earth than anyone had thought. In fact, a new study just published says that there are no fewer than three trillion huggable woody trunks alive on the planet today – roughly seven and a half times as many as the previous best guess of just 400 …
Lewis Page, 02 Sep 2015
The solar powered patrol vehicle employed by the Fort Knox directorate of emergency services. Credit: US Army

Self-driving CARS? BORING. We want self driving, LIZARD dodging GOLF CARTS

Many jaded readers of the Register, noting on the interwebs the endless stream of stories about self-driving cars - being worked upon by such companies as Google - may have wondered whether in fact anyone at all is actually working on the real, genuine problems confronting the human race. Well wonder no more, my jaundiced …
Lewis Page, 02 Sep 2015

PALE BACKSIDE of lovely Luna flits past in imagery from 1 MILLION miles out

A million miles out in deep space far beyond the Moon's orbit, closer in to the Sun, lies the L-1 Lagrange point. Here sits the DSCOVR spacecraft with its EPIC instrument pointed back at Earth. NASA has just released some EPIC images, showing the moon zipping past in front of Earth. Here they are: Moon transit of Earth. …
Lewis Page, 06 Aug 2015

How much of ONE YEAR's Californian energy use would WIPE OUT the DROUGHT?

Analysis That California drought - it's terrible, isn't it? But there's nothing to be done. If it doesn't rain for a few years, and doesn't snow up in the mountains, Californians must just yield to Mother Nature and stop watering their lawns, stop washing their cars, maybe even stop growing those delicious but thirsty almonds. Or ... …
Lewis Page, 31 Jul 2015
Credit: Oren Schauble Licence:

Small number of computer-aided rifles could be hacked in contrived scenario

The internet is reeling today at the "news" that a rare make of computer-aided gunsight can under certain circumstances be hacked into, permitting a hacker to interfere with a suitably-equipped rifle's aim. The gunsight in question is the much-hyped but seldom purchased TrackingPoint kit, a system with a Linux machine at its …
Lewis Page, 30 Jul 2015

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