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Sarah Bee

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Halloween pardon sought for accused witches, sorta

Campaigners are submitting a petition to the government today in the hope that hundreds of people executed as witches will be posthumously exonerated. The Times earnestly reports that the family behind a well-known costume hire company in the UK decided to try and achieve justice for the dead, in an altruistic and noble move …
Sarah Bee, 31 Oct 2008
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Sarkozy fails to stop sale in voodoo hoohah

Semi-barmy kneehigh French premier Nicolas Sarkozy has failed in his attempt to whip from French shelves a voodoo doll bearing his handsome likeness. As the Reg helpfully informed you, Sarko was stomping courtwards to demand the withdrawal of the dolls which were sold along with a user guide and a satirical biography. But …
Sarah Bee, 30 Oct 2008
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Sarko demands withdrawal of voodoo doll

Preposterous presidential playboy Nicolas Sarkozy is not amused by a voodoo doll of himself for sale in French bookshops, and has demanded the pernicious pin-based product is pulled from the shelves, er, post-haste. The dolls, according to the Times (which displays a lovely picture), are being sold along with a handy set of pins …
Sarah Bee, 22 Oct 2008
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Bee Gees belter may help cheat death

The Bee Gees' 1977 falsetto stomper Stayin' Alive could be the latest tool in the fight against people dying, according to a new study. Bloomberg soberly relays that the slouchy beat of the squealy white-men-big-hair disco evergreen was found to help medical students attain the correct pace for chest compressions. The University …
Sarah Bee, 17 Oct 2008
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Tech gadgetry brings about pet-o-geddon

The nation's pets are at risk of coming a cropper through run-ins with the latest tech toys, according to shock new research. A survey of 3000 irresponsible morons pet owners conducted by Petplan pet insurers found that careless gadget fans are injuring their animal companions on a daily basis with their expensive plastic button …
Sarah Bee, 17 Oct 2008
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Saw torturecoaster rolls into UK theme park

Surrey theme park Thorpe Park has revealed its new attraction will be 'Saw - The Ride', based on the super-gruesome gorebuster movie franchise of the same name. The family-friendly frolic-enclave has run 'Fright Nights' with various scary goings-on since 2002, but the new ride seems a rather more ambitious and full-bodied …
Sarah Bee, 13 Oct 2008
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Canada sex shop heist shafts proprietress

Spare a kinky kind thought for one Wicked Wanda this Friday - the Canadian sex shop owner has been robbed of vibrators to the tune of $2,000. Two sticky light-fingered blighters swiped the joysticks from Wicked Wanda's Adult Emporium in Ottawa at around 2.30am on Thursday morning, cnews reports. However, 41-year-old Wanda Cotie …
Sarah Bee, 10 Oct 2008
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Artist to smoke Cobain's ashes

An artist claims to have made a spliff containing the remains of raspy blond grunge genius pin-up martyr Kurt Cobain. The Graunida coughs that Aussie-born Natascha Stellmach, currently exhibiting at Berlin's Galerie Wagner + Partner, plans to sneak the fat one into a secret location in the city and have a good old toke as the …
Sarah Bee, 03 Oct 2008
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Meat Loaf gets Q gong

Grunting calorie-fan Meat Loaf is to be lauded for the 47,000th time for his 31-year-old song Bat Out Of Hell, saith the Beeb. The voluminous ditty, which goes on and on and on for just a whisker under ten minutes and is roughly a fifth as good as Bohemian Rhapsody, has been praised to the heavens for years on end but apparently …
Sarah Bee, 30 Sep 2008
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Mills and Boon thrusts into pr0n market

Legendary bored-housewife-pleasing publisher Mills and Boon is planning to up the romantic ante with its first porn books. The usual mildly risqué euphemisms of the famed throwaway lady-paperbacks, known for their ripping of bodices and tousling of hair and rumpling of sheets and such, will helplessly submit to a crashing wave …
Sarah Bee, 10 Sep 2008
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Nuns face off in online beauty contest

Updated! Father Jack would dribble into his drink - a rather open-minded Italian priest is running a beauty contest for nuns. The pageant, which is the brainchild of Father Antonio Rungi of Mondragone near Naples, is intended to challenge the stereotype of the nun as plain at best and grotesque at worst. According to the Times, Father …
Sarah Bee, 26 Aug 2008
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Rude Tintin pulls out

A salacious Spanish reinterpretation of a Tintin story has been yanked from bookshops as a yucky stain on the comic book character. Antonio Altarriba published The Pink Lotus last year, coinciding with the 100th anniversary of the birth of Tintin creator Hergé, the Guardian tells us. But the story - a new version of classic …
Sarah Bee, 18 Aug 2008
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Yes! It's Joyce McKinney, admits Joyce McKinney

The mystery that has gripped the world for days on end is finally resolved today as Bernann McKinney, keeper of cloned canids, admitted to being Joyce McKinney, molester of Mormon missionaries. The Daily Mail mumbles surprisingly quietly that it was right all along and that the 57-year-old, who hotly denied that she was who she …
Sarah Bee, 11 Aug 2008
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Suprise at spelling snafu sanctions

Proof that the revised maxim "If you can't beat 'em, fuck it all off and have some pie" is increasingly the norm reaches us today, as a senior university lecturer throws his hands aloft and declares a spelling amnesty. According to the Times, Dr Ken Smith of Buckinghamshire New University* suggests a list of 20 common mistakes …
Sarah Bee, 07 Aug 2008
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Craigslist supervillain seeks henchmen

Much as we love our belittling, thankless toil rewarding career at the Reg, we have from time to time mused that it would be good to find a vocation in which we could fully express our suppressed violent side. And so it is that today we find ourselves tempted by this Craigslist ad, apparently placed by authentic supervillain …
Sarah Bee, 07 Aug 2008
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MPs lambast BBFC over Batman

MPs Keith Vaz and Iain Duncan Smith have weighed in on the hoohah over the violent content of The Dark Knight and its controversial 12A classification. The Telegraph finds the Labour and Tory bods united in their condemnation of the film's violence and disagreement with its certificate, which allows children under 12 to see it …
Sarah Bee, 05 Aug 2008
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Wünderbra! German policewomen take 'Action Brassiere'

In news that gladdens the heart, not to mention the boob, German police are being issued with bullet-resistant bras*. According to the Telegraph, female cops were complaining that while bullet-proof vests did their job adequately, they had the unfortunate side-effect of pushing the treacherous underwires and fixings of normal …
Sarah Bee, 04 Aug 2008
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Depp for Dark Knight follow-up

With Batman behemoth The Dark Knight pleasing audiences and critics alike, it's time for some rabid speculation about the casting of the next film in the rebooted franchise. The Sun froths this morning that the incandescent Johnny Depp is in line to play the Riddler, the bodystockinged bastard last played by Jim Carrey in Batman …
Sarah Bee, 04 Aug 2008
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George Orwell joins blogging fray

George Orwell's diaries are to be made available online as a blog, starting from next Saturday. The author, whose incisive and ominous political writing ensured his name's appearance in any piece of text with the words 'liberties' and 'civil' for all eternity, kept a journal between 1938 and 1942. The first entry will be posted …
Sarah Bee, 01 Aug 2008
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CGI furnishes filmstar with fur

Film fans are reeling from the latest Sienna Miller outrage, as studio sources reveal that technical wizardry is bestowing upon the actress a CGI-merkin. With the whole Getty-nabbing furore so totally 30 seconds ago, the world is now agog (or at least so her agent would no doubt prefer) for details of the post-production pelvis- …
Sarah Bee, 28 Jul 2008
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HP packaging madness continues apace

It appears techno-wastrel HP has been shamed not a jot by our previous report on its profligate packing practices - another sorry tale of conspicuous cardboard consumption has reached El Reg today. "I wanted to share the attached picture of a package we received a while ago from HP," says Reg reader Mike Cresswell. HP's …
Sarah Bee, 23 Jul 2008
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Tesco causes couple condom catastrophe

The pitfalls of online shopping at the Evil Empire were revealed in their full horror to a monogamous South Yorkshire couple, who found 12 Mates condoms added to their Tesco.com shopping list. Lynn Newby discovered the illicit prophylactics in the Favourites list after logging on to the shopping account she shared with boyfriend …
Sarah Bee, 22 Jul 2008
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Who do you think you are, knitting Mr Hitler?

There's no easy way to lead into this so we'll just come right out with it - according to The Sun one can now obtain knitting patterns to create one's very own cuddly Hitler. Everyone's favourite inflammatory informo-rag has a lovely picture of the "grotesque" yarn-based Fuhrer, who looks snug and stylish in his army-green cardi …
Sarah Bee, 22 Jul 2008
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Divorce for shouty YouTube wife

Broadway mogul Philip Smith has been granted a divorce from the actress whose dull video rants inexplicably clocked up over 3m hits on YouTube. Tricia Walsh-Smith attained the kind of internet infamy previously only afforded to dramatic prairie dogs with her petulant marriage mitherings, in which she stomps around the couple's …
Sarah Bee, 22 Jul 2008
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BT breaks up families

BT customers affected by the dog-and-bone merchants' recent unconnecty unpleasantness will no doubt be pleased to know that it could be worse - the company is responsible for the traumatic break-up of at least one previously happy family. According to a breathless press release the Reg has been handed, the ongoing ad campaign …
Sarah Bee, 15 Jul 2008