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Moderatrix kisses the Reg goodbye

In news sure to send the massed ranks of Reg commentards running for the tissue box for the other reason, the Moderatrix is packing up her paddles and departing for dungeons new. Yes, I shall be leaving you all to fight amongst yourselves after the best part of four years at the well of IT shoutpouring. It's been an education, …
Sarah Bee, 30 Jun 2011
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Man stabbed to death by chicken

A California man has reportedly suffered a gruesome demise after an accident involving a metal-enhanced cock. José Luis Ochoa, 35, of Lamont, California, a spectator at a cockfight who had previously been fined for owning or training an animal for fighting, died after being stabbed in the leg in Tulare County, the Grauniad …
Sarah Bee, 08 Feb 2011
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Matrix 4 and 5 in works, threatens Keanu

Another two Matrix films may be leaping into cinemas, the Grauniad shrugs. The curiously youthful Keanu Reeves, star of the Matrix trilogy and of an exceptionally lame meme told an audience at the London School of Performing Arts that he may be getting back into Neo's slinky strides once again. Excitable source El Nino told big …
Sarah Bee, 24 Jan 2011
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Man killed by own cock

A Bengali man has reportedly suffered a gruesome demise after he pushed his metal-enhanced cock that bit too far. Singrai Soren, a trainer of fighting roosters, was killed in Mohanpur in West Bengal after one of his birds apparently turned on him, the Daily Mail soberly relates. According to a friend, Soren forced the cockerel …
Sarah Bee, 21 Jan 2011
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Catfish: A fanfare for Facebook fakery

Film review - contains spoilers Facebook is brimful of hot girls who are usually neither of those things: scammers, hustlers and freelance scumbags who don lovely online masks to get close to you and take you for all you're worth, or if you're lucky, just make you look really stupid. Not all of the masks hide your standard con-people, however – some of them …
Sarah Bee, 16 Dec 2010
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Apple touts top iTunes tunes of 2010

The top-selling iTunes albums and singles of the year are out, with much therein to irk the curmudgeon at whom very little of this commercial music is aimed. The five ear-bothering songs which sold the most were (cue Fluff Freeman countdown jingle): 5) 'Dynamite' – Bouncy R'n'B by Taio Cruz. 4) 'Airplanes' – Wistful R'n'B …
Sarah Bee, 10 Dec 2010
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Nick Cave smashes speed camera with Jag

Australian singer, actor, writer and Kylie-killer* Nick Cave laid waste to one of Hove's speed cameras when he crashed his car into it. The incident occurred on Tuesday evening, when the 53-year-old's Jaguar saloon smashed through a barrier on the seafront and took out the innocent tool of governmental oppression, the Telegraph …
Sarah Bee, 09 Dec 2010
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This year's comedy Xmas No. 1 contender: Silent song 4'33"

A motley crew of musicians backed by a Facebook campaign are plotting to hijack the poor beleaguered Christmas number one with a four-minute recording of silence. Following last year's triumphant, internet-bolstered, telly-talent-compo-orthodoxy-upending ascendance of the gleefully inappropriate and profanity-sprinkled Killing …
Sarah Bee, 03 Dec 2010
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BURNING LUST for SEXY BUSTY BLONDES - Science explains

Women long for the classic Barbie figure with big boobs, long blonde hair and blue eyes because it makes men want to impregnate them, an evolutionary psychologist has proclaimed. London School of Economics reader Satoshi Kanazawa has successfully manipulated the more malleable and shameless news outlets into excitedly …
Sarah Bee, 01 Dec 2010
Polaroid 300

Polaroid 300 instant print camera

Review The news that Polaroid has a new instant camera, after we thought it was done with all that frivolity, is likely to be greeted with squeals of nostalgic joy. While digital is superior in almost every sense there's a real warmth about those 80s prints that we remember adorning fridges and noticeboards. The Polaroid 300 (tsk, …
Sarah Bee, 30 Jul 2010
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Nude trampolinist bounces free from court

A 55-year-old described by the BBC as a 'man' and by Scotland's Daily Record as a 'pervert' has avoided jail after being spotted by neighbours having too much fun with too few clothes on a trampoline. James Burden of Falkirk, a man of apparently hardy stock, was having a jolly good jump around on the apparatus in his back garden …
Sarah Bee, 30 Jul 2010
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The Register comment guidelines 2010

1. Firstly and perhaps most importantly: Moderation is at our discretion. We publish what we feel is fit for publication. We accept the vast majority of all comments posted, and we try to be broad-minded and consistent - but in the end if we don't want it published on our site, it doesn't go up. Correspondence will rarely be …
Sarah Bee, 19 Jul 2010
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'Alienated' gamer sues WoW for ruining life

An obsessive World of Warcraft player is suing the makers of the game for ruining his life, quoth a gleeful Grauniad this week. Erik Estavillo is seeking $1m (£600,000) in damages, claiming the orc-tastic roleplaying game has turned him into a blank-eyed basketcase who can no longer function in the real world (as the lawsuit …
Sarah Bee, 27 Nov 2009
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Dragon Age: Origins game in gay sex scene shock

A secret scene in the fantasy game Dragon Age: Origins shows a male character getting down to some hot same-sex action with an elf, The Telegraph titters today. The scene, hailed by some as progressive and derided by others as "ewww icky", is accessed when a player seduces the warrior Zevran with the right combination of smooth …
Sarah Bee, 24 Nov 2009
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Wikipedia kills legendary journalist

Say what you like about Wikipedia, you can't accuse it of lacking tact. Within 48 hours of the untimely death of music journalist Steven Wells, his entry has been summarily marked for deletion on the grounds that he isn't famous enough. Swells, as he was known to readers of the NME, began his career as punk poet Seething Wells …
Sarah Bee, 25 Jun 2009
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Kate Moss kills Kills cuts

WSA Spindly, party-hopping Croydon supermodel Kate Moss is in some bother with her bloke, Kills muso Jamie Hince, after allegedly hurling his laptop - replete with new songs - into a swimming pool. The Guardian website happily reported yesterday that Moss flung Hince's bag into the pool during an argument. Hince, whose 2003 debut …
Sarah Bee, 24 Jun 2009
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Spectral Spector Twitterer admits hoax

The highly entertaining Twitter account purporting to be from Phil Spector has been revealed by its unidentified owner to be one of those naughty internet hoaxes. The anonymous - and really rather amusing - author revealed the jape with a tweet at 1pm GMT, confessing "I am NOT Phil SPector. I made this account as a joke. …
Sarah Bee, 03 Jun 2009
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Jailed Phil Spector wigs out on Twitter

Legendary record producer and paragon of sanity Phil Spector is apparently Twittering from his prison cell, having been permitted to keep a laptop, but not his wig. The Telegraph excitedly burbles that the 69-year-old has been kvetching like a good 'un about his new life, earned by fatally shooting the actress Lana Clarkson in …
Sarah Bee, 02 Jun 2009
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Tasmanian devil whirling onto endangered list

The luckless Tasmanian devil is to be added to the official list of endangered species in a move intended to save it from extinction, The Times reports. Tasmania's top carnivore since the human-assisted wipeout of the thylacine in the 1930s is under severe threat from a communicable face cancer, unique to the species. Australian …
Sarah Bee, 22 May 2009
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Pizza-polluting YouTube plonkers soil Domino's

Two US Domino's pizza employees who filmed themselves performing a gross-out food prank have been fired, but not before the clammy hand of Web 2.0 ensured their larks would live in infamy. The salami-slaves' handiwork, uploaded to YouTube and viewed a million times before its removal, was quickly spluttered all over the internet …
Sarah Bee, 16 Apr 2009
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Fence plan to save Tasmanian Devil

Aussie nature-boffins have a new scheme to prevent the extinction of the Tasmanian Devil by the simple means of a great big fence. The proposed barrier would aim to separate infected from healthy animals and stop the spread of the rampant face cancer which is destroying the species, reports the Beeb. The beleaguered beastie, …
Sarah Bee, 05 Jan 2009
The Register breaking news

Facebook breastfeeding pic takedown gets backs up

Facebook has made itself ever so unpopular with online mothers after yanking breastfeeding pics from the site. According to the Telegraph many users displaying shots of breastfeeding in their profiles have been threatened with banishment from the online procrastination mecca, while thousands have had pictures removed as "obscene …
Sarah Bee, 02 Jan 2009
The Register breaking news

Defra drafts proper pet practice for the daft

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) is consulting on new guidelines for gormless pet owners who don't know a dog's arse from whatever it has in lieu of an elbow. The cat welfare document (see here) will be published as a leaflet to hammer home some of the finer points of feline care on the heels of the …
Sarah Bee, 05 Nov 2008
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Ledger zombie pizza promo pulled

A bunch of New Zealand pizza-peddlers have nixed an animated email ad campaign showing three dead celebs dancing to Halloween evergreen Thriller. The Beeb reports that the sensitive and subtle promotion featured cartoon-corpse representations of Sir Edmund Hillary, the Queen Mother and Batman actor Heath Ledger having a little …
Sarah Bee, 04 Nov 2008
The Register breaking news

The US election, live online from er... London

USA '08 It's a momentous day for America and the world as the next US President is finally chosen. And who better to whisper electiony nothings to you all night long (or all day, depending on your hemisphere) than a couple of Reg hacks, some hand-picked commentators and a gaggle of other chancers? 24 Hours in America will be reporting …
Sarah Bee, 04 Nov 2008
The Register breaking news

Halloween pardon sought for accused witches, sorta

Campaigners are submitting a petition to the government today in the hope that hundreds of people executed as witches will be posthumously exonerated. The Times earnestly reports that the family behind a well-known costume hire company in the UK decided to try and achieve justice for the dead, in an altruistic and noble move …
Sarah Bee, 31 Oct 2008
The Register breaking news

Sarkozy fails to stop sale in voodoo hoohah

Semi-barmy kneehigh French premier Nicolas Sarkozy has failed in his attempt to whip from French shelves a voodoo doll bearing his handsome likeness. As the Reg helpfully informed you, Sarko was stomping courtwards to demand the withdrawal of the dolls which were sold along with a user guide and a satirical biography. But …
Sarah Bee, 30 Oct 2008
The Register breaking news

Sarko demands withdrawal of voodoo doll

Preposterous presidential playboy Nicolas Sarkozy is not amused by a voodoo doll of himself for sale in French bookshops, and has demanded the pernicious pin-based product is pulled from the shelves, er, post-haste. The dolls, according to the Times (which displays a lovely picture), are being sold along with a handy set of pins …
Sarah Bee, 22 Oct 2008
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Bee Gees belter may help cheat death

The Bee Gees' 1977 falsetto stomper Stayin' Alive could be the latest tool in the fight against people dying, according to a new study. Bloomberg soberly relays that the slouchy beat of the squealy white-men-big-hair disco evergreen was found to help medical students attain the correct pace for chest compressions. The University …
Sarah Bee, 17 Oct 2008
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Tech gadgetry brings about pet-o-geddon

The nation's pets are at risk of coming a cropper through run-ins with the latest tech toys, according to shock new research. A survey of 3000 irresponsible morons pet owners conducted by Petplan pet insurers found that careless gadget fans are injuring their animal companions on a daily basis with their expensive plastic button …
Sarah Bee, 17 Oct 2008
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Saw torturecoaster rolls into UK theme park

Surrey theme park Thorpe Park has revealed its new attraction will be 'Saw - The Ride', based on the super-gruesome gorebuster movie franchise of the same name. The family-friendly frolic-enclave has run 'Fright Nights' with various scary goings-on since 2002, but the new ride seems a rather more ambitious and full-bodied …
Sarah Bee, 13 Oct 2008
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Canada sex shop heist shafts proprietress

Spare a kinky kind thought for one Wicked Wanda this Friday - the Canadian sex shop owner has been robbed of vibrators to the tune of $2,000. Two sticky light-fingered blighters swiped the joysticks from Wicked Wanda's Adult Emporium in Ottawa at around 2.30am on Thursday morning, cnews reports. However, 41-year-old Wanda Cotie …
Sarah Bee, 10 Oct 2008
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Artist to smoke Cobain's ashes

An artist claims to have made a spliff containing the remains of raspy blond grunge genius pin-up martyr Kurt Cobain. The Graunida coughs that Aussie-born Natascha Stellmach, currently exhibiting at Berlin's Galerie Wagner + Partner, plans to sneak the fat one into a secret location in the city and have a good old toke as the …
Sarah Bee, 03 Oct 2008
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Meat Loaf gets Q gong

Grunting calorie-fan Meat Loaf is to be lauded for the 47,000th time for his 31-year-old song Bat Out Of Hell, saith the Beeb. The voluminous ditty, which goes on and on and on for just a whisker under ten minutes and is roughly a fifth as good as Bohemian Rhapsody, has been praised to the heavens for years on end but apparently …
Sarah Bee, 30 Sep 2008
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Mills and Boon thrusts into pr0n market

Legendary bored-housewife-pleasing publisher Mills and Boon is planning to up the romantic ante with its first porn books. The usual mildly risqué euphemisms of the famed throwaway lady-paperbacks, known for their ripping of bodices and tousling of hair and rumpling of sheets and such, will helplessly submit to a crashing wave …
Sarah Bee, 10 Sep 2008
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Nuns face off in online beauty contest

Updated! Father Jack would dribble into his drink - a rather open-minded Italian priest is running a beauty contest for nuns. The pageant, which is the brainchild of Father Antonio Rungi of Mondragone near Naples, is intended to challenge the stereotype of the nun as plain at best and grotesque at worst. According to the Times, Father …
Sarah Bee, 26 Aug 2008
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Rude Tintin pulls out

A salacious Spanish reinterpretation of a Tintin story has been yanked from bookshops as a yucky stain on the comic book character. Antonio Altarriba published The Pink Lotus last year, coinciding with the 100th anniversary of the birth of Tintin creator Hergé, the Guardian tells us. But the story - a new version of classic …
Sarah Bee, 18 Aug 2008
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Yes! It's Joyce McKinney, admits Joyce McKinney

The mystery that has gripped the world for days on end is finally resolved today as Bernann McKinney, keeper of cloned canids, admitted to being Joyce McKinney, molester of Mormon missionaries. The Daily Mail mumbles surprisingly quietly that it was right all along and that the 57-year-old, who hotly denied that she was who she …
Sarah Bee, 11 Aug 2008
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Suprise at spelling snafu sanctions

Proof that the revised maxim "If you can't beat 'em, fuck it all off and have some pie" is increasingly the norm reaches us today, as a senior university lecturer throws his hands aloft and declares a spelling amnesty. According to the Times, Dr Ken Smith of Buckinghamshire New University* suggests a list of 20 common mistakes …
Sarah Bee, 07 Aug 2008
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Craigslist supervillain seeks henchmen

Much as we love our belittling, thankless toil rewarding career at the Reg, we have from time to time mused that it would be good to find a vocation in which we could fully express our suppressed violent side. And so it is that today we find ourselves tempted by this Craigslist ad, apparently placed by authentic supervillain …
Sarah Bee, 07 Aug 2008
The Register breaking news

MPs lambast BBFC over Batman

MPs Keith Vaz and Iain Duncan Smith have weighed in on the hoohah over the violent content of The Dark Knight and its controversial 12A classification. The Telegraph finds the Labour and Tory bods united in their condemnation of the film's violence and disagreement with its certificate, which allows children under 12 to see it …
Sarah Bee, 05 Aug 2008
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Wünderbra! German policewomen take 'Action Brassiere'

In news that gladdens the heart, not to mention the boob, German police are being issued with bullet-resistant bras*. According to the Telegraph, female cops were complaining that while bullet-proof vests did their job adequately, they had the unfortunate side-effect of pushing the treacherous underwires and fixings of normal …
Sarah Bee, 04 Aug 2008
The Register breaking news

Depp for Dark Knight follow-up

With Batman behemoth The Dark Knight pleasing audiences and critics alike, it's time for some rabid speculation about the casting of the next film in the rebooted franchise. The Sun froths this morning that the incandescent Johnny Depp is in line to play the Riddler, the bodystockinged bastard last played by Jim Carrey in Batman …
Sarah Bee, 04 Aug 2008
The Register breaking news

George Orwell joins blogging fray

George Orwell's diaries are to be made available online as a blog, starting from next Saturday. The author, whose incisive and ominous political writing ensured his name's appearance in any piece of text with the words 'liberties' and 'civil' for all eternity, kept a journal between 1938 and 1942. The first entry will be posted …
Sarah Bee, 01 Aug 2008
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CGI furnishes filmstar with fur

Film fans are reeling from the latest Sienna Miller outrage, as studio sources reveal that technical wizardry is bestowing upon the actress a CGI-merkin. With the whole Getty-nabbing furore so totally 30 seconds ago, the world is now agog (or at least so her agent would no doubt prefer) for details of the post-production pelvis- …
Sarah Bee, 28 Jul 2008
The Register breaking news

HP packaging madness continues apace

It appears techno-wastrel HP has been shamed not a jot by our previous report on its profligate packing practices - another sorry tale of conspicuous cardboard consumption has reached El Reg today. "I wanted to share the attached picture of a package we received a while ago from HP," says Reg reader Mike Cresswell. HP's latest …
Sarah Bee, 23 Jul 2008
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Tesco causes couple condom catastrophe

The pitfalls of online shopping at the Evil Empire were revealed in their full horror to a monogamous South Yorkshire couple, who found 12 Mates condoms added to their Tesco.com shopping list. Lynn Newby discovered the illicit prophylactics in the Favourites list after logging on to the shopping account she shared with boyfriend …
Sarah Bee, 22 Jul 2008
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Who do you think you are, knitting Mr Hitler?

There's no easy way to lead into this so we'll just come right out with it - according to The Sun one can now obtain knitting patterns to create one's very own cuddly Hitler. Everyone's favourite inflammatory informo-rag has a lovely picture of the "grotesque" yarn-based Fuhrer, who looks snug and stylish in his army-green cardi …
Sarah Bee, 22 Jul 2008
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Divorce for shouty YouTube wife

Broadway mogul Philip Smith has been granted a divorce from the actress whose dull video rants inexplicably clocked up over 3m hits on YouTube. Tricia Walsh-Smith attained the kind of internet infamy previously only afforded to dramatic prairie dogs with her petulant marriage mitherings, in which she stomps around the couple's …
Sarah Bee, 22 Jul 2008
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BT breaks up families

BT customers affected by the dog-and-bone merchants' recent unconnecty unpleasantness will no doubt be pleased to know that it could be worse - the company is responsible for the traumatic break-up of at least one previously happy family. According to a breathless press release the Reg has been handed, the ongoing ad campaign …
Sarah Bee, 15 Jul 2008