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Moderatrix kisses the Reg goodbye

In news sure to send the massed ranks of Reg commentards running for the tissue box for the other reason, the Moderatrix is packing up her paddles and departing for dungeons new. Yes, I shall be leaving you all to fight amongst yourselves after the best part of four years at the well of IT shoutpouring. It's been an education …
Sarah Bee, 30 Jun 2011
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Man stabbed to death by chicken

A California man has reportedly suffered a gruesome demise after an accident involving a metal-enhanced cock. José Luis Ochoa, 35, of Lamont, California, a spectator at a cockfight who had previously been fined for owning or training an animal for fighting, died after being stabbed in the leg in Tulare County, the Grauniad …
Sarah Bee, 08 Feb 2011
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Matrix 4 and 5 in works, threatens Keanu

Another two Matrix films may be leaping into cinemas, the Grauniad shrugs. The curiously youthful Keanu Reeves, star of the Matrix trilogy and of an exceptionally lame meme told an audience at the London School of Performing Arts that he may be getting back into Neo's slinky strides once again. Excitable source El Nino told …
Sarah Bee, 24 Jan 2011
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Man killed by own cock

A Bengali man has reportedly suffered a gruesome demise after he pushed his metal-enhanced cock that bit too far. Singrai Soren, a trainer of fighting roosters, was killed in Mohanpur in West Bengal after one of his birds apparently turned on him, the Daily Mail soberly relates. According to a friend, Soren forced the cockerel …
Sarah Bee, 21 Jan 2011
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Catfish: A fanfare for Facebook fakery

Film review - contains spoilers Facebook is brimful of hot girls who are usually neither of those things: scammers, hustlers and freelance scumbags who don lovely online masks to get close to you and take you for all you're worth, or if you're lucky, just make you look really stupid. Not all of the masks hide your standard con-people, however – some of them …
Sarah Bee, 16 Dec 2010
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Apple touts top iTunes tunes of 2010

The top-selling iTunes albums and singles of the year are out, with much therein to irk the curmudgeon at whom very little of this commercial music is aimed. The five ear-bothering songs which sold the most were (cue Fluff Freeman countdown jingle): 5) 'Dynamite' – Bouncy R'n'B by Taio Cruz. 4) 'Airplanes' – Wistful R'n'B …
Sarah Bee, 10 Dec 2010
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Nick Cave smashes speed camera with Jag

Australian singer, actor, writer and Kylie-killer* Nick Cave laid waste to one of Hove's speed cameras when he crashed his car into it. The incident occurred on Tuesday evening, when the 53-year-old's Jaguar saloon smashed through a barrier on the seafront and took out the innocent tool of governmental oppression, the …
Sarah Bee, 09 Dec 2010
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This year's comedy Xmas No. 1 contender: Silent song 4'33"

A motley crew of musicians backed by a Facebook campaign are plotting to hijack the poor beleaguered Christmas number one with a four-minute recording of silence. Following last year's triumphant, internet-bolstered, telly-talent-compo-orthodoxy-upending ascendance of the gleefully inappropriate and profanity-sprinkled Killing …
Sarah Bee, 03 Dec 2010
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BURNING LUST for SEXY BUSTY BLONDES - Science explains

Women long for the classic Barbie figure with big boobs, long blonde hair and blue eyes because it makes men want to impregnate them, an evolutionary psychologist has proclaimed. London School of Economics reader Satoshi Kanazawa has successfully manipulated the more malleable and shameless news outlets into excitedly …
Sarah Bee, 01 Dec 2010
Polaroid 300

Polaroid 300 instant print camera

Review The news that Polaroid has a new instant camera, after we thought it was done with all that frivolity, is likely to be greeted with squeals of nostalgic joy. While digital is superior in almost every sense there's a real warmth about those 80s prints that we remember adorning fridges and noticeboards. The Polaroid 300 (tsk, …
Sarah Bee, 30 Jul 2010
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Nude trampolinist bounces free from court

A 55-year-old described by the BBC as a 'man' and by Scotland's Daily Record as a 'pervert' has avoided jail after being spotted by neighbours having too much fun with too few clothes on a trampoline. James Burden of Falkirk, a man of apparently hardy stock, was having a jolly good jump around on the apparatus in his back garden …
Sarah Bee, 30 Jul 2010
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The Register comment guidelines 2010

1. Firstly and perhaps most importantly: Moderation is at our discretion. We publish what we feel is fit for publication. We accept the vast majority of all comments posted, and we try to be broad-minded and consistent - but in the end if we don't want it published on our site, it doesn't go up. Correspondence will rarely be …
Sarah Bee, 19 Jul 2010
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'Alienated' gamer sues WoW for ruining life

An obsessive World of Warcraft player is suing the makers of the game for ruining his life, quoth a gleeful Grauniad this week. Erik Estavillo is seeking $1m (£600,000) in damages, claiming the orc-tastic roleplaying game has turned him into a blank-eyed basketcase who can no longer function in the real world (as the lawsuit …
Sarah Bee, 27 Nov 2009
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Dragon Age: Origins game in gay sex scene shock

A secret scene in the fantasy game Dragon Age: Origins shows a male character getting down to some hot same-sex action with an elf, The Telegraph titters today. The scene, hailed by some as progressive and derided by others as "ewww icky", is accessed when a player seduces the warrior Zevran with the right combination of …
Sarah Bee, 24 Nov 2009
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Wikipedia kills legendary journalist

Say what you like about Wikipedia, you can't accuse it of lacking tact. Within 48 hours of the untimely death of music journalist Steven Wells, his entry has been summarily marked for deletion on the grounds that he isn't famous enough. Swells, as he was known to readers of the NME, began his career as punk poet Seething Wells …
Sarah Bee, 25 Jun 2009
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Kate Moss kills Kills cuts

WSA Spindly, party-hopping Croydon supermodel Kate Moss is in some bother with her bloke, Kills muso Jamie Hince, after allegedly hurling his laptop - replete with new songs - into a swimming pool. The Guardian website happily reported yesterday that Moss flung Hince's bag into the pool during an argument. Hince, whose 2003 debut …
Sarah Bee, 24 Jun 2009
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Spectral Spector Twitterer admits hoax

The highly entertaining Twitter account purporting to be from Phil Spector has been revealed by its unidentified owner to be one of those naughty internet hoaxes. The anonymous - and really rather amusing - author revealed the jape with a tweet at 1pm GMT, confessing "I am NOT Phil SPector. I made this account as a joke. …
Sarah Bee, 03 Jun 2009
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Jailed Phil Spector wigs out on Twitter

Legendary record producer and paragon of sanity Phil Spector is apparently Twittering from his prison cell, having been permitted to keep a laptop, but not his wig. The Telegraph excitedly burbles that the 69-year-old has been kvetching like a good 'un about his new life, earned by fatally shooting the actress Lana Clarkson in …
Sarah Bee, 02 Jun 2009
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Tasmanian devil whirling onto endangered list

The luckless Tasmanian devil is to be added to the official list of endangered species in a move intended to save it from extinction, The Times reports. Tasmania's top carnivore since the human-assisted wipeout of the thylacine in the 1930s is under severe threat from a communicable face cancer, unique to the species. Australian …
Sarah Bee, 22 May 2009
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Pizza-polluting YouTube plonkers soil Domino's

Two US Domino's pizza employees who filmed themselves performing a gross-out food prank have been fired, but not before the clammy hand of Web 2.0 ensured their larks would live in infamy. The salami-slaves' handiwork, uploaded to YouTube and viewed a million times before its removal, was quickly spluttered all over the internet …
Sarah Bee, 16 Apr 2009
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Fence plan to save Tasmanian Devil

Aussie nature-boffins have a new scheme to prevent the extinction of the Tasmanian Devil by the simple means of a great big fence. The proposed barrier would aim to separate infected from healthy animals and stop the spread of the rampant face cancer which is destroying the species, reports the Beeb. The beleaguered beastie, …
Sarah Bee, 05 Jan 2009
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Facebook breastfeeding pic takedown gets backs up

Facebook has made itself ever so unpopular with online mothers after yanking breastfeeding pics from the site. According to the Telegraph many users displaying shots of breastfeeding in their profiles have been threatened with banishment from the online procrastination mecca, while thousands have had pictures removed as "obscene …
Sarah Bee, 02 Jan 2009
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Defra drafts proper pet practice for the daft

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) is consulting on new guidelines for gormless pet owners who don't know a dog's arse from whatever it has in lieu of an elbow. The cat welfare document (see here) will be published as a leaflet to hammer home some of the finer points of feline care on the heels of …
Sarah Bee, 05 Nov 2008
The Register breaking news

Ledger zombie pizza promo pulled

A bunch of New Zealand pizza-peddlers have nixed an animated email ad campaign showing three dead celebs dancing to Halloween evergreen Thriller. The Beeb reports that the sensitive and subtle promotion featured cartoon-corpse representations of Sir Edmund Hillary, the Queen Mother and Batman actor Heath Ledger having a little …
Sarah Bee, 04 Nov 2008
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The US election, live online from er... London

USA '08 It's a momentous day for America and the world as the next US President is finally chosen. And who better to whisper electiony nothings to you all night long (or all day, depending on your hemisphere) than a couple of Reg hacks, some hand-picked commentators and a gaggle of other chancers? 24 Hours in America will be reporting …
Sarah Bee, 04 Nov 2008