Simon Travaglia

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Simon Travaglia is the author of BOFH, the Bastard Operator from Hell, the long-running series about a rogue sysadmin. He lives in New Zealand.
Windows_desktop_011

BOFH: Hasta la Vista... luser

Episode 12 "But I installed Service Pack 2!" our user whines at the PFY. "Installing SP2 on Windows Vista is like putting out a burning turd. Best possible outcome, you've got a steaming turd!" the PFY snaps. "But it's so slow!" "Uh-huh." "I've got 3 gigs of memory," he sniffles "Adding memory to Vista is like adding paper to a …
Simon Travaglia, 16 Nov 2012
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Can't you just ... NO, I JUST CAN'T

Episode 11 "EVERYONE IS A F**KING EXCEPTION!" the PFY snarls - beating me to the very same exclamation by nanoseconds. "What do you mean everyone is an exception?" the Boss asks. "It's the life of a bloody systems admin, people want you to make exceptions for them!" the PFY shouts. "Passwords, web filters, extra file space. People want …
Simon Travaglia, 09 Nov 2012

BOFH: Tenacious B and the Printer of Destiny

Episode 10 "The printer's jammed again," the Director's PA says, ducking into Mission Control for a brief status update. To be fair the PFY asked for this level of information when he suggested she notify him of any problems. As far as poorly thought-out pickup techniques this one has far outlasted his patience. The moment an orange …
Simon Travaglia, 02 Nov 2012
Cornish maiden bearing platter of genuine Cornish pasties. Photo: Cornish Pasty Association

BOFH: Uninterruptible patsy supply

Episode 9 "What the fuck just happened?" the Boss garbles, crashing around Mission Control like a madman after dashing down two flights of stairs from the 4th floor boardroom. "Uh.... UPS failure," the PFY says calmly, glancing up from his monitor briefly. "Well aren't you going to do anything about it?" "I am," he responds. "I have …
Simon Travaglia, 18 Oct 2012
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Our Excel-lent new boss and the diagram plan

Episode 8 "Okay, I get what you're saying, but what does it mean precisely?" the Boss asks. "It means that we're giving the app support people a VPN connection so they can login remotely, and we'll put them on their own VLAN with firewall pinholes to permit them to access the App server and Database server, as well as having limited …
Simon Travaglia, 10 Aug 2012

BOFH: Shove your project managementry up your mailbox!

Episode 7 "So it's agreed then. You'll codify the project and I'll reach out to the developers for the SDK that you need?" the latest IT project manager asks. "By 'codify' you mean I'll write the program and by 'reach out' you mean email?" I respond. "Yes." "Why not just say email?" "I... because I might phone them." "So why not …
Simon Travaglia, 27 Jul 2012
bofh_sidey

BOFH: The back-up backdown smackdown

Episode 6 "So is all the data gone?" the voice whimpers over the hands-free. "Did you take a backup like I told you?" I ask. "No." "Then yes, it's all gone," I say. "You either put a backup client on your laptop and back it up to the backup server or connect an external disk and use that - but if you use nothing..." "I don't …
Simon Travaglia, 06 Jul 2012

PFY vs Bearded 80s Netscape Bore: BOFH

Episode 5 bofh_toppy You know what it's like. Some idiot in senior management buys a crap bit of software online - with functionality that's already built into Outlook, but is just slightly different - and it has to be installed right now. And the moment you double-click on the installer you know you're in trouble when it tells you …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Jun 2012
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Siri, why do users lie?

Episode 4 bofh_sideybofh "My bloody voicemail isn't working. Again." the Boss snaps. "You've forgotten your PIN number again, haven't you?" the PFY asks. "No, it's just not working!" "What's not working about it?" "It won't let me log in. It tells me there's a message but won't let me log in." "Because you're using the wrong PIN …
Simon Travaglia, 11 May 2012

BOFH: Dawn raid on Fort BOFH

Episode 3 bofh_pic You know, sometimes I wish someone just had the balls to say they want a new iPad cos it looks cool. That they have no clue of what the f$*# they’d use it for, but their kids think they’re great and they can’t be stuffed forking out the money themselves for one so they figure the company should just get one and …
Simon Travaglia, 23 Mar 2012
Click here for the full BOFH range

BOFH: Moon landings, Pong and the case of the smoking server

Episode 2 "It's about your assistant," the Boss says, looking around carefully as he nods me into his office. "Yes?" "He told me something yesterday. Something disturbing." "Oh, I wouldn't believe everything he says, he's prone to making outrageous statements. I mean the goat lived and the charges against him were dropped." "What …
Simon Travaglia, 17 Feb 2012

BOFH: The Cloud Committee Calamity

Episode 1 "Slipped in front of a bus. Fell FROM a bus. Fell in front a Circle line train. Jumped or fell off the Hungerford Bridge. Fell in front of a black cab. Jumped in front of a minicab; stepped into an open manhole; fell down some stairs; and crossed against the lights at Oxford Circus and was hit by a cab," the Personnel bloke …
Simon Travaglia, 10 Feb 2012
Click here for the full BOFH range

BOFH: The Explosive Christmas Evacuation

Episode 20 Everyone loves the last day. The prospect of holidays ahead always puts people in a good mood which in turn leads to generosity, indulgence and poorly-thought-through dalliances in front of recording devices. But more than that, in the season of goodwill those in the service side of the company get some recognition for the …
Simon Travaglia, 23 Dec 2011
Click here for the full BOFH range

BOFH: The day the office budget bombed – literally

Episode 19 “And this was the extinguisher here, was it?” the Health and Safety feeb asks. “That’s the one!” I say. “And you don’t know of any reason how it came to be filled with diesel instead of water?” “None!” the PFY lies. “But then it may have been like that when we took the building over!” Luckily the H&S droid isn’t likely to …
Simon Travaglia, 18 Nov 2011

BOFH: Licence to grill ... stupid users

Episode 18 ... "Hello, You're speaking with Simon – or rather, Version 3.1 recurring" "Sorry?" my user asks. "Version 3.1 recurring. Speaking." "Can't you just give me Office 2003 back?" he whines. "Sorry, Office 2003 is ancient history – like calculator watches, white jeans for men and the expression 'snazzy'." "Why?" "It was …
Simon Travaglia, 11 Nov 2011

BOFH: We don't need no stinkin' upgrade

Episode 17 "But I just want to go back to the way it was..." my user whines. "What, when computers crashed every 10 minutes?" "No, I..." "Where the Print function acted more like the combination of the Hang and Discard Changes functions?" "NO, I JUST WANT MY MENU BACK!" "You mean you don't like the ribbon? It's new!" "I don't care …
Simon Travaglia, 04 Nov 2011

BOFH: Hordes unleashed... by a RAM upgrade

Episode 16 BOFH Volume 5 It’s the same old story – you make some tiny change and before you know it they're oozing out of the woodwork. You know who I'm talking about – the idiots. They notice that your signature uses Garamond instead of Times Roman and before you know it they're on the phone wanting to know if there's a new …
Simon Travaglia, 21 Oct 2011

BOFH: Where's my free fondleslab?

Episode 15 "Well it looks like the Company's doing well," the PFY says, handing over a glossy brochure. "Really - how do you figure?" I ask, giving the Company's annual report the once over. "The bottom line looks pretty flat as far as I can see." "I was just judging by the front cover - the limousine," the PFY says "Oh that!" I say …
Simon Travaglia, 14 Oct 2011

BOFH: No, the Fabinocci sequence

Episode 14 "I'm just here to do the audit," a weedy bloke says, poking his head nervously into Mission Control. "What audit?" the PFY says, reading my mind. "The safety audit – surely they told you about it?" "No, nothing," the PFY responds. "Ah," the Weed says. "Well, I've got a checklist of all the accidents that have occurred in …
Simon Travaglia, 23 Sep 2011

BOFH: I'll get my bonus even if it kills, well, someone

Episode 13 "Okay, so we'll just work our way through last year's review and then move onto this year's one," the Boss says, fingering a couple of chunky wads of paper. I hate review time. The only consolation I get from it is knowing that Bosses hate it as well. Everyone hates them - except for the drones from HR for whom this is …
Simon Travaglia, 16 Sep 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Beer, shinies, death by fire, rats IN THAT ORDER

Episode 12 Not much surprises me about middle management any more, least of all their inability to prioritise. I mean the core router could have crapped itself, the HR & Financials databases might be offline a day before pay day and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could be in the freight elevator pressing "2" yet some "compliance …
Simon Travaglia, 19 Aug 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Axe handles - occasionally quite slippery

Episode 11 12:34:56am. Company Stores Wakeup trigger. . . 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... SELFTEST: OK 2 ... 1 Peripheral test ... USB Boot Media ... OK Panel ... OK Cameras ... Std:OK,Infra:OK,UV:OK 3D Directional Mic OK Hi Speed Steppers 1:OK,2:OK,3:OK,4:OK SERVOS 1:OK,2:OK,3:OK,4:OK Battery OK, level 67% Servo Saw OK …
Simon Travaglia, 22 Jul 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH vs PFY: There can be only one (on the exes chit)

Episode 10 So the Boss has a bit of funding that he doesn't know what to do with. Okay, the Boss always has funding he doesn't know/understand what to do with, but this time it's different. The company has decided to allocate out "Professional Development" funds to key areas of the business to permit a staff member to receive advanced …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Jul 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH: Drunken Time Lord

Episode 9 "It's only 1:30pm!" the PFY grumbles, looking up from his cellphone clock. "I know," I say. "It's that variable viscosity of time again." "The what now?" the PFY asks "The variable viscosity of time. You know, how the viscosity of time is inversely proportional to what you'd like the viscosity to be." "You’ve lost me." " …
Simon Travaglia, 01 Jul 2011
bofh_sidey

BOFH: CSI Haxploitation Cube Farm Apocalypse

Episode 8 “Can you just come here for a moment?” Ray - the brand spanking new Boss with the IQ of a pot plant - asks, ducking into Mission Control. The PFY and I follow – after all it’s a Friday morning and there’s an hour or so till the pub opens for lunch. “Can you tell me what happened here?” Ray asks, once he’s led us to the …
Simon Travaglia, 17 Jun 2011

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