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Simon Travaglia is the author of BOFH, the Bastard Operator from Hell, the long-running series about a rogue sysadmin. He lives in New Zealand.
BOFH: Die, Robot
“A Security Robot?!” the PFY gasps. “Really?”
“Really,” the Boss nods.
“And we have no say in the matter?”
“It’s a security thing.”
“But our technical budget pays for it.”
“Our Capital budget, yes, but the operational expenses will come out of security’s budget.”
“So what sort of robot will it be – something like Robocop …
BOFH: Lies and the lying liars who lie about them
“And how long will it take?” the user echoes from the handsfree speaker on the PFY’s phone.
“To restore access to your email? I’m not sure. Have you tried closing down Outlook and restarting it?” the PFY responds.
“Yes.”
“What about restarting it in Safe Mode?”
“I tried that,” the user says – a little too quickly.
“Well, …
BOFH: Little ups and downs
"I... uh..." the Boss says, wandering into Mission Control aimlessly, searching for the right words to bring up whatever's on his mind.
"Yes?" I ask, letting him off the hook.
"The lifts" he says cryptically..
"The lifts?" I repeat..
"The buttons on the lifts" he says.
"They have buttons - yes - well spotted," I say.
" …
BOFH: Risky business
"All I'm saying," I say, trying not to lose my rag, "is that you don't have to keep all your email messages in their entirety."
"Yes, but I need my email as a record," the PR droid burbles.
"That may be, but you don't need a record of the 50 messages between you and the woman from the office across the road saying 'what do …
BOFH: The poncy director's cut
EXT: COUNTRYSIDE
A lush pasture with snow-capped mountains in the distance. A fluffy white rabbit hops into shot, stops and nibbles on some grass.
[Dissolve to...]
INT: BOSS'S OFFICE
The BASTARD, PFY and BOSS are clustered around the screen of the Boss's desktop machine.
PFY
See, he just pushes his machine off the desk! …
BOFH: On the couch
Don’t get me wrong. I’m as likely to get workplace trauma counselling as the next guy – especially when the company’s tame shrink is an ancient old boiler who was probably there when time was invented. Still, as luck would have it she fell to her death from her slippers a couple of weeks back and the company was forced to …
BOFH: Forgive and forget
They say the secret to a good relationship is to be able to forgive and forget - and so I'm working hard on the forgiving bit with the PFY.
He, for his part, is working on the forgetting - which I'm told is a perfectly normal by-product of ECT - even though a lot of private hospitals frown on the use of it unless it's …
BOFH: The PFY Chronicles Part The Third
It's a wonderful day today - nothing could spoil my mood, with the prospect of a long Easter weekend with nothing more to do but eat junk food and catch up with hours of TV watching.
My good mood swells even further when I stumble upon a wadge of banknotes taped to the underside of a drawer in my former supervisor's desk. …
BOFH: The PFY Chronicles part 2
Things are quiet at Mission Control. No, quiet would be an understatement. The room seems unnaturally large and cavernous, and there's an echo that just shouldn't be there...
I could swear I heard the words "sleep no more" coming from the PC speaker, but I'm sure I'm imagining it.
My contemplations are interrupted by two …
BOFH: The PFY Chronicles
It’s a bleak morning in Mission Control. Even the Boss’s normal expression of guilty ignorance is replaced by one that could almost be mistaken for loss...
"Dead?" he asks quietly.
"I'm afraid so," I respond.
"But... he was doing so well."
"He was, but then that dodgy life support machine switched itself off."
"I thought …
BOFH: Key performance undertakers
The PFY and I happened to stay out a little late at a Christmas do and unfortunately ended up in the company of some industry commentators - never a good move. Given that the PFY and myself know the perils of drinking with reporters - people who drink for a living and for whom seven pints of overproof cider counts both as an …
BOFH: Made of win
“We should enter one of those Innovation in IT awards!” the Boss burbles one day, sidling up to the PFY and myself in a pseudo-ingratiating manner.
“We should what now?” the PFY asks.
“IT awards. We should enter one – it’s a great way of raising the company’s profile.”
“Oh, the company’s going to some awards?” I ask.
“No, …
BOFH: Slab happy
Isn’t it annoying when senior management simply has to have access to every door, room, system and application in the enterprise - even if they have no idea what to do with the access once they get it.
Like our new IT Director (after the previous Director tragically stepped over the protective railings and into the path of the …
BOFH: The stupidity criticality
"I just don't understand him!" the PFY snaps.
"Yes, well, you've got to remember we’re talking about a new Boss, so we're really looking at one of three types of people," I reply. "A - a grizzled professional who's seen and endured the stupidity of users. B - an idiot with no idea who just keeps his head down and waits till …
BOFH: Baitin' switch
"OK, let's just take a look then," our recent office addition says, clicking on the network management tool.
"Ah, there's your problem - your port is only set to 10 megabits per second, half duplex. If I just change that to auto you'll notice a short outage while your machine's network interface readjusts itself to 100 meg …
BOFH: Weapon of choice
“...and it turns out that he’d ordered the 157-H43 instead of the 157-H44 unit," one engineer says, walking into Mission Control. "And as we all know...”
“...the H43 has the tab on the other side!!!” the other engineer finishes. They both burst out laughing.
Good times.
The PFY has heard more than his fair share of …
BOFH: Trussssst in me
Things have taken a strange turn - the Boss is trying to broker some form of peace between us and the Beancounters...
"I'm just trying to understand the animosity," the Boss says.
"It's historic," I say. "It goes back centuries."
"It can hardly go back centuries - computers have only been around for half a century, and you' …
BOFH: Hammer time!
"Ooooh, watch this!" I gasp happily to the Boss as he and I observe the PFY, from the relative safety of the webcam monitor in Mission Control.
"What?" the Boss asks.
"He's going to take a look at her PC!"
"Isn't that part of his job?"
"No this isn't a work machine, this is a home machine!" I snigger.
"Still, if it's a …
BOFH: A spot of bother
It's a bloody Friday afternoon. People should know not to bother us when all we're wanting is a slow glide to the weekend...
>ring<
"Our system isn't working."
"Really," the PFY says, putting his newspaper down with a sigh. "What system is that then?"
"The one which does the ticker tape thing at the bottom of my web."
"So …
BOFH: Stick this
"You've got to think of it in terms of sticks and carrots," I say to the PFY, "because users are complex - but stupid - stubborn animals, like donkeys."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning they respond to both rewards and punishment. So what you've got to do is find a balance between rewarding them for good behaviour - like not calling you …
BOFH: Snout, meet trough
"How can you be broke?" I ask the PFY as I carry our lunch back to the table in several pint glasses.
"I dunno."
"But you were only paid yesterday!"
"Yes, but I had expenses!" the PFY sniffs.
"What could you possibly blow a month's cash on in a day?"
"A Home Theatre PC ensemble," the PFY responds defensively.
"Ah. OK, I …
BOFH: Spontaneous Legal Combustion
The following concludes episodes 4b, 4c and 5b, which are available exclusively to Register Platinum Cookie readers (with access to the content opulent Register Website). For the benefit of general (Lead Cookie) readers, the following flashback snippets have been approved for distribution:
Boss: You Bastards! (Episode 4b) …
BOFH: Grand Theft Auto
"So what I'd like to know," the Boss seethes, "is what the hell took you so long?"
"What do you mean 'so long'?" the PFY asks, sounding a little hurt.
"You left here FIVE HOURS AGO to pick up a replacement toner cartridge!"
"Yeah but..."
"TWO OF YOU! IN MY CAR!"
"You offered it!" I add. "But in any case we needed to be …
BOFH: Defiling the profile
"What do you know about social networking?" the Boss murmurs quietly one morning, as I'm putting the finishing touches on my espresso.
"You mean social networking as in 'I and a group of mates would like to be able to publish our outrageous drinking activities'? Or 'The wife and I have recently separated and I'm looking to …
BOFH: Cable entanglements
"I've been thinking," the Boss says, wandering into Mission Control feigning nonchalance. "Surely with the number of movements in the building at the moment and the increasing copper price and all, we should invest in some data cable. Keep a stock of it on site. Ten boxes or so, what do you think?"
"Excellent idea!" the PFY …
BOFH: Aspie no questions
"It's... it's destroyed!" the Boss sniffles as he tilts the remains of his home computer up for me to see.
"True, but then he was just doing what you told him to do."
"It told him to go ahead and start the machine up if he thought it was fixed!"
"No, you said, 'OK, give it a bash' - a completely different thing altogether. …
BOFH: A safe bet
"It's a Christmas miracle!" the PFY gasps, opening the safe door after our extended Christmas break to find... nothing.
"Hardly," I say, reaching down to the floor of the safe to retrieve a business card from amongst the coins and cards than no doubt fell out of the Boss's wallet. "Secure Safe Services. Protected Storage …
BOFH: Blackmail and fine wine
"So which of you is on call over the break?" the Boss asks.
"Why are you asking?" the PFY asks.
"Just thought it might be an opportune time to do a bit of housekeeping, you know, security audits... er..."
"Our firewall has Intrusion Detection built into it," the PFY explains.
"So we're safe then?"
"As safe as a domain with …
BOFH: The Christmas party
"...Which leads to the next item - the office Christmas function," the Boss says to the assembled masses of the IT department.
"The office function or the building function?" one of the helldesk geeks asks.
"Just the office," the Boss says. "The director and I have been talking and he's keen that we all do something together …
BOFH: The unwanted software compo
"So let me get this straight," the Boss says, looking at his email to the PFY's latest masterpiece. "You're proposing a software... amnesty?"
"Yes," the PFY answers.
"And what's a software amnesty when it's at home?"
"It's a chance for people to turn in software they don't use any more," I explain. "So maybe you bought a …
BOFH: The paperless cafeteria
"How's that paperless office coming along then?" the Boss asks enthusiastically as he enters Mission Control on his daily constitutional.
"Paperless office?" the PFY asks.
"Yes, you were saying the other day that we should go to paperless."
"No I was saying how our printing and copying contract was extortionate," the PFY …
BOFH: Taking out a contract
"But the notes I have say you built a new machine just last year!" the Boss snaps, looking at the PFY's list of parts. "Why do you need a new one so soon?"
"It's technical," the PFY says "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me," the Boss snaps back.
"What do you know about Quad Core Processor Technology?"
"Nothing."
"L1 and L2 …
BOFH: Radiating sincerity
When you've got a problem it's always good to have a couple of bastards to call upon in times of trouble. Sadly, Brand and Ross aren't taking calls at the moment, so I have to call upon a fellow IT bastard, Jerry, for his thoughts...
"So how big is this pile of monitors?" he asks.
"180 last count," the PFY says.
"And you don …
BOFH: Fine detective work
"What's this?" the Boss demands, tossing a tattered faux leather-covered book at me.
"This?" I say. "It looks like someone's diary."
"Your assistant's - but what's inside it?"
"I don't know. I'm not in the habit of reading personal stuff," I respond, choking down a chuckle.
"I suggest you do!" he snaps.
"Why, what am I …
BOFH: Unfriendly ghosts
"But why can't we visit the site?" the Boss bleats one morning when we shoot his idea of seeing the ghost facility down.
"It's a defence site," I lie. "They host defence computers as well as stuff for companies like us. They're probably not allowed to show people through their server rooms."
"We should just turn up …
BOFH: The Mandelboat virus
If there's one thing a lifetime in computing teaches you, it's how to cover up your mistakes...
"Oopsy," the PFY says in a casual tone mid-keypress - the sort of casual tone which, by its very casualness, means it's not casual at all.
"What did you do?" I sigh, fully expecting to hear that some poor user now has a vast amount …
BOFH: Remote access malarkey
"...And so you can just log in to my machine and look at it whenever you like?" our user asks indignantly.
"Uh-huh," the PFY says, fixing the user's printer settings while he's talking.
"And I don't have to give you permission or anything?"
"I'd have assumed that was implied by ringing the helpdesk?" the PFY says.
"Yes but …
BOFH: Back in the saddle
“How are you doing?” I say cheerfully, extending my hand in greeting to the two cabling guys that the beancounters got to shift some data cabling around – without telling us. “Clint and... John isn't it?”
“Ay?” One of them says. “I'm Steve and this is Dave.”
“My mistake,” I say. “I was obviously thinking of Clint Eastwood and …
BOFH: Lock and reload
"We should sue!" the PFY snaps angrily, thumping the Boss's desk with vigour. "We can't let them get away with this!"
"Really?" the Boss asks. "I'd hardly have thought you'd want to sue a fellow professional?"
"PROFESSIONAL!" the PFY gasps. "They're cowboys! What sort of outsourcing company wouldn't put in a redundant network …
BOFH: Burying the hatchet
There's something about a newly refurbished building that just appeals. Whether it's the contrast of old and new (i.e. the ancient glass fronted axe cases in the stairwell which no-one in their right mind would install these days, versus the almost ubiquitous security cameras which everyone seems to be installing these days) is …
BOFH: Smash + grab
The long-awaited weekend has almost arrived! The migration of the server room to the new site and the transfer of our 'crucial' services to the successful tendering party (ie our ghost facility) is about to commence.
"But I still don't see why we need to pay a data transfer fee!" the Boss whinges.
"Because they'll need to put a …
BOFH: Server room secret panels
“It's a little... uh... large, isn't it?” one of our beancounters says as he scans the computer room in the new building during a site visit.
“Optical illusion,” the PFY counters. “Machine rooms always look oversized when there's no kit in them. Take my word for it, once we install the racks and the cable trays the place will …
BOFH: The PFY wants a reference
"So let's just get this straight," I say to the PFY as he hovers about my desk. "You want me to write a reference for you lauding you as a veritable workplace IT savant who can leap laser printers in a single bound, bend RFPs in his bare hands and generally manage an IT project with the ease of a veteran?"
"Yes."
"So you can …
BOFH: The admin gene
"Woah!" the PFY breathes, looking up quickly.
"Woah what?" the Boss asks, looking around cautiously, as I re-enter the room from the passage to the server room.
"Nope, it'll be OK," I say to the PFY, ignoring the Boss for a moment.
"What'll be OK?"
"Are you sure?" the PFY asks. "It was quite noticeable."
"What was …
BOFH: The all-clicking, all-whirring Roboboss
I've got a particularly vexing game of multiplayer Enemy Territory on my hands when the new Boss rolls in and spoils everything. I say new Boss, as the previous one that everyone liked left for greener pastures and then his replacement left on medical grounds after accidentally pushing a paperclip into the live pin of a power …
BOFH: Shafting the consultants over the new layout
So we've got some external consultants here blundering through the requirements for the new building as a QA thing..
"It's not that we don't trust you," the Boss explains. "Far from it. It's just that senior management would like some assurance that everything you've asked for is a requirement and not just a nice-to-have."
"A …
BOFH: Dealing with engineers
It seems the cunning machinations from last week have come to no avail - someone at the coloured pencil office still wants the PFY to give them a hand installing some macintoshes.
"I hate going to see the designers," the PFY whines. "They're a bunch of overfed smelly beatniks who think that buying expensive desktops makes them …
BOFH: Testing the obscenity filters
"Hi, I'd just like some help setting up my Macintosh for access t..."
>SLAM<
. . .
>Ring<
"Hello?" the PFY says.
"Hi, we must have got cut off, I was ringing for a bit of help setting up my Mac..."
>SLAM<
. . .
>RING<
"Is there something wrong with your phone?" the voice asks.
"I don't think so," the PFY says. "But …
BOFH: The Batcave
"You know," I say to the PFY as I pore over some building plans. "I don't think the beancounters are as big a set of idiots as we've given them credit for."
"How's that then?" the PFY asks.
"This building they've bought - I've done some admittedly rough sums based around the floor space and previous sales in the area, and I …
BOFH: The PFY's comeuppance
Some things you just don't want to waste half a day doing. Like talking to the company's shrink about whether the PFY should be referred to the authorities or not...
"Okay, so my name is Catherine, I'm just gathering some background on what occurred a couple of days ago and would like to ask you some questions about Stephen's …
