Simon Travaglia

Contact Mail Follow RSS feed
Simon Travaglia is the author of BOFH, the Bastard Operator from Hell, the long-running series about a rogue sysadmin. He lives in New Zealand.

BOFH: Mmm, gotta love me some fresh BYOD dog roll

Episode 3 "Oh, Bring Your Own DEVICE!" the PFY blurts in mock realisation. "Of course Device!" the Boss snaps "What did you think it meant?!" "Bring Your Own DRINK" I say, nudging a half consumed case of chilled Newky Browns from under the desk that the PFY and I have been working on for the past half hour. "Bring Your Own Dog," the …
Simon Travaglia, 20 Mar 2015

BOFH: The ONE-NINE uptime solution

Episode 2 "So what's the problem again?" the Boss asks, lurching into Mission Control like a Dalek with stepper motor problems. "We're not sure - it's not internet connectivity because we can get to other sites ok, but we're definitely having problems with the email site." "We shouldn't be!" he snaps back, presumably thinking that a …
Simon Travaglia, 27 Feb 2015

BOFH: The Great HellDesk geek leave seek

Episode 1 "Well that would be on the form, surely?" the H.R. person burbles smugly over the phone. "It sort of is," the HellDesk user replies, "only it's hard to see because the characters are all blurred." "They'll be blurred because your browser doesn't support downloadable fonts," H.R. replies in a know-it-all tone. "What browser …
Simon Travaglia, 20 Feb 2015
Stained glass angels

BOFH: A miracle on PFY Street

Episode 17 Christmas! Who doesn't love Christmas?? Most of the company as it happens! It's true, many of the staff here have an element of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when it comes to Christmas - and not just because of the PFY and myself. The last day is always one full of trepidation, alcohol and a little sprinkle of emotional …
Simon Travaglia, 26 Dec 2014
Chicken Jalfrezi and rice with a beer. Pic by Shutterstock

BOFH: Capo di tutti capi, bah. I'm having CHICKEN JALFREZI

Episode 16 We have new Director, just in time for Christmas! It appears that, through some convoluted twist of fate, our former Director took a dagger in the back for "creating a hostile workplace environment". APPARENTLY his misogynistic leanings "fostered a culture of a male hierarchal structure" and he's been made an example of by H …
Simon Travaglia, 13 Dec 2014
Santa Claus on his laptop

BOFH: Santa, bloody Santa

Episode 15 "HE PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE!" the Director shouts, gesturing both wildly and furiously at the absent PFY's desk. "Well yes," I say calmly, "but let's be reasonable about this - he WAS asking for it." "HE WASN'T BLOODY ASKING FOR IT!" the Director shouts again - in serious danger of bursting one or two major cranium-based …
Simon Travaglia, 06 Dec 2014

BOFH: Everyone deserves a little DOWNTIME

Episode 14 Isn't it always the way that when you're hours from the office sporting only a smartphone with a dodgy data connection that something critical claps out back at work. And then something's wrong with the VPN so you have to gain access through a convoluted chain of remote desktop, ssh and telnet links just to end up with a …
Simon Travaglia, 28 Nov 2014
Cthulu springs from desktop printer

BOFH: WHERE did this 'fax-enabled' printer UPGRADE come from?

Episode 13 Cthulu springs from desktop printer "This is exactly what I'm talking about!" I snap at the PFY. "Specifications created by people with absolutely no knowledge of what they need so they specify the absolute top-end kit just in case!" "What's that, then?" the PFY asks, looking up from his game disinterestedly. "The bloody …
Simon Travaglia, 22 Nov 2014
Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil

BOFH: An UNHOLY MATCH forged amid the sweet smell of bullsh*t

Episode 12 Keeping up with the changing face of IT is a pain in the arse at times. Half the time I'm looking at some bleeding edge technology wondering what the hell it does, who would want it and whether it's worth the effort. All too often the answers are "No idea", "no one" and "no". Still, it grates a bit when a consultant is …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Nov 2014

BOFH: SOOO... You want to sell us some antivirus software?

Episode 11 "Yes, but with our antivirus software you can be guaranteed that we will track and locate 98.97 per cent of all known viruses," the caller says. "Tell me, where did you get the 98.97 per cent from?" "What do you mean?" "Well you say 98.97 per cent - not 99 and not something like 96, so you've obviously got a reason for it …
Simon Travaglia, 08 Nov 2014
big red wheelie bin and pallet full of rubbish in London street

BOFH: Stop your tiers – when it comes to storage, LESS is MORE

Episode 10 "You'll never guess who I just saw in here!" the PFY blurts, entering Mission Control with a mainstream IT mag in hand. "One of the Royal Family using a tablet?" "No." "A movie star or football player with a new bendy iPhone?" "No." "A vendor-sponsored review of new technology with a shameless suckup review of their …
Simon Travaglia, 01 Nov 2014
Confused computer keyboard

BOFH: The current value of our IT ASSets? Minus eleventy-seven...

Episode 9 "Ahhh... Just found some... uh... anomalies with the asset inventory checklist," our friendly neighbourhood Beancounter says to the PFY. "What anomalies?" I ask. "You didn't fill it out," the Boss says. "I bloody did!" I gasp. "You wrote at the bottom 'all present and correct' and signed your name," the Beancounter …
Simon Travaglia, 29 Aug 2014

BOFH: We CAN do that with a Raspberry Pi, but think of the BODIES

Episode 8 BOFH "So what we'd like to do is have the lights turn on in the foyer when people come into the office," the Health and Safety rep says. "Yep, put a PIR+Daylight sensor unit in," I say. "One of the sparkies could do that for about a hundred quid - or £150 if he's got a holiday coming up." "Yes, but what we'd like to do is …
Simon Travaglia, 23 Aug 2014

BOFH: The Great Backup BACKDOWN

Episode 7 "So I see that backup check went well?" the Boss asks, trying to drag me into a conversation that will have nothing to do with me, but sounds technical enough that I would be an idiot and say... "What backup check?" the PFY pre-empts me. NGAAAAAAARGH! "The backup check," says the Boss. "The Financial Director wanted to be …
Simon Travaglia, 01 Aug 2014

BOFH: You can take our lives, but you'll never take OUR MACROS

Episode 6 "...And I can't seem to import all of the data I need," the user explains. "And you're importing into Excel from what... a CSV file?" the PFY asks. "Yes." "And the import fails?" "I just stops. It says something about resources." "So perhaps you should get rid of some of the data in the spreadsheet?" "It's an almost …
Simon Travaglia, 27 Jun 2014

BOFH: On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept

Episode 5 "Now remember - there are no wrong answers in this exercise," Janice, the huggy-feely HR type says in a non-threatening manner. "What about SH*TBAG?" the PFY blurts. "Well that's more of an outburst than an answer," I point out gently. "Oh," the PFY responds. "My mistake." Getting caught up in exercises designed to " …
Simon Travaglia, 13 Jun 2014

BOFH: Oh DO tell us what you think. *CLICK*

Episode 4 "Your first mistake was asking for input," I explain to the Boss as he scans the huge volume of new email in his Inbox. "You really don't want to do that." "No," the PFY echoes, "Never do that." "Why not?" "Never seek user input on a technical document unless what you're asking about is so vague as to be useless," the PFY …
Simon Travaglia, 17 Apr 2014

BOFH: On the PFY's Scottish estate, no one can hear you scream...

Episode 3 "Obviously we're after sustainable," the Boss burbles. "Yes, sustainable is good. I'm thinking of a mix of solar and wind generation - low carbon footprint building materials, potable and non-potable water storage and filtration in the workspaces, natural and borrowed light..." "Sounds fantastic," the Boss burbles some more …
Simon Travaglia, 21 Mar 2014
iPhone 2.2.1 update

BOFH: He... made... you... HE made YOU a DOMAIN ADMIN?

Episode 2 "Yeah, so we just need you to upgrade these machines," the Beancounter says. "Upgrade them to what, Windows 8?" I ask, suppressing the gag reflex. "No I mean upgrade them with the updates." "Oh, so you mean upDATE them, not upGRADE?" "It's the same thing!" he simpers. "Not at all. An upDATE is when the system stays …
Simon Travaglia, 21 Feb 2014

BOFH: Attractive person is attractive. Um, why are your eyes bulging?

Episode 1 “What brings you down here then?” the PFY asks the Director after he popped through the door unannounced. “Oh, I wanted to give you a heads-up on your new manager.” “Really, has Roy left?” the PFY asks, knowing the answer only too well. “Yes. He messaged me over the break saying he wouldn’t be coming back. Something about …
Simon Travaglia, 07 Feb 2014

BOFH: It's DANGEROUS to go alone. Take THIS

Episode 13 “I can’t smell anything,” the Boss says, leaning back from his half-consumed plate of the last of the onion bhajis at the staff cafeteria. “Well you wouldn’t, would you?” the PFY says. “Why not?” “Because we’re professionals.” “I’m a professional!” the Boss says defensively. “Please,” the PFY says sadly - but almost …
Simon Travaglia, 29 Nov 2013

BOFH: Resistance is futile - we're missing BEER O'CLOCK

Episode 12 "It's quite possibly the worst sound I've ever heard!" the Boss snaps. "So you've not heard duelling banjos played on the bagpipes?" I ask. "Or... anything.. on the piano accordion?" the PFY adds. "It's unprofessional!" he continues. "No it's not, having NOTHING would be unprofessional - this just implies a lack of …
Simon Travaglia, 22 Nov 2013

BOFH: One flew over the PFY's nest

Episode 11 "He's what I refer to as a... megalotechno," the psychiatrist explains happily to me. "Completely devoted to IT - it's so rare to capture one alive. We've tried to study him of course but he's much too geeky for our standardised aptitude tests." "Mmm," I murmur non-committally, following him through pale green corridors and …
Simon Travaglia, 15 Nov 2013

BOFH: GOATSE? No, I said goat fetis... you know what, forget it

Episode 10 "It's happened again!" the Boss blurts, tripping into Mission Control in a flurry. "Yes, well, if you frequent those kind of websites you really should expect that," says the PFY evenly. "I... What kind of websites? Expect what?" "Oh, so we're not talking about your goat fetish?" "What bloody goat fetish!?" The Boss snaps …
Simon Travaglia, 08 Nov 2013

BOFH: Is WHAT 'running slow'!? GOD

Episode 9 Sometimes it feels like my life consists  mostly of waiting. Long, long periods of waiting. I don't know how much of my time has been spent watching little dots slowly ticking over a monitor as a kernel loads, the moria-like spinning of /-\| characters on the screen while a RAID card configures or the slow crawl of a …
Simon Travaglia, 01 Nov 2013