Simon Travaglia is the author of BOFH, the Bastard Operator from Hell, the long-running series about a rogue sysadmin. He lives in New Zealand.
BOFH: My HELPDESK HELL - lies, phones lines and statistics
Episode 2 Support call numbers are PLOTTING against me
"I'm just a bit worried about these statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with yet another swadge of meaningless numbers.
"Told you so," I respond.
[FLASHBACK TO A WEEK AGO]
"I'm a bit worried about these weekly statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with a swadge of meaningless numbers …
BOFH: Climb the corp ladder - and use your boss as a bullet shield
Episode 1 Top tips on getting ahead, BOFH-style
"It's like progress bars," I say to the PFY during a discussion about the relative merits of the company management as we ride the lift to the CEO's office to fix some laptop crisis.
"All too often the bar itself bears no relationship whatsoever to the amount of time you're going to wait. In the same way the salary of a manager …
BOFH: Cannot terminate PFY instance... ACCESS DENIED
Episode 14 I trust two people in this world. One is me and the other ain't you
"Have you seen this?" the PFY says, looking up from our revised contract document.
"What?" I ask.
"Did you realise there's a penalty clause in our contract for early termination? We have to give the company 2 YEARS notice of termination of contract?"
"Sounds about right. It works both ways though - they have to give us the …
BOFH: The Great Patch Mismatch
Episode 13 Halon, the noblest of gases
"It's just a minor ROM patch." the service engineer bleats "It'll only take five minutes."
"Yeah... Nah," the PFY says.
"It's minor - just addresses a couple of memory leaks and and cookie issues in the web interface."
"Yeah. Nah," I repeat.
"It's just the interface - the UPS will be completely unaffected!"
"Nope," the PFY …
BOFH: Hasta la Vista... luser
Episode 12 Installing Vista SP2 is like dousing a burning turd
"But I installed Service Pack 2!" our user whines at the PFY.
"Installing SP2 on Windows Vista is like putting out a burning turd. Best possible outcome, you've got a steaming turd!" the PFY snaps.
"But it's so slow!"
"Uh-huh."
"I've got 3 gigs of memory," he sniffles
"Adding memory to Vista is like adding paper to a …
BOFH: Can't you just ... NO, I JUST CAN'T
Episode 11 Taking exception to exceptional exceptions
"EVERYONE IS A F**KING EXCEPTION!" the PFY snarls - beating me to the very same exclamation by nanoseconds.
"What do you mean everyone is an exception?" the Boss asks.
"It's the life of a bloody systems admin, people want you to make exceptions for them!" the PFY shouts. "Passwords, web filters, extra file space. People want us …
BOFH: Tenacious B and the Printer of Destiny
Episode 10 It's not a f*&%ing driver problem, mmm'kay?
"The printer's jammed again," the Director's PA says, ducking into Mission Control for a brief status update.
To be fair the PFY asked for this level of information when he suggested she notify him of any problems. As far as poorly thought-out pickup techniques this one has far outlasted his patience. The moment an orange light …
BOFH: Uninterruptible patsy supply
Episode 9 'We are having a special this week on proton charging and storage of the beast'
"What the fuck just happened?" the Boss garbles, crashing around Mission Control like a madman after dashing down two flights of stairs from the 4th floor boardroom.
"Uh.... UPS failure," the PFY says calmly, glancing up from his monitor briefly.
"Well aren't you going to do anything about it?"
"I am," he responds. "I have to …
BOFH: Our Excel-lent new boss and the diagram plan
Episode 8 I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you...
"Okay, I get what you're saying, but what does it mean precisely?" the Boss asks.
"It means that we're giving the app support people a VPN connection so they can login remotely, and we'll put them on their own VLAN with firewall pinholes to permit them to access the App server and Database server, as well as having limited …
BOFH: Shove your project managementry up your mailbox!
Episode 7 An anecdotely informationing for anyone sick of IT's jargoneering
"So it's agreed then. You'll codify the project and I'll reach out to the developers for the SDK that you need?" the latest IT project manager asks.
"By 'codify' you mean I'll write the program and by 'reach out' you mean email?" I respond.
"Yes."
"Why not just say email?"
"I... because I might phone them."
"So why not say …
BOFH: The back-up backdown smackdown
Episode 6 And that's what happens when you don't listen to your friendly BOFH
"So is all the data gone?" the voice whimpers over the hands-free.
"Did you take a backup like I told you?" I ask.
"No."
"Then yes, it's all gone," I say. "You either put a backup client on your laptop and back it up to the backup server or connect an external disk and use that - but if you use nothing..."
"I don't understand …
PFY vs Bearded 80s Netscape Bore: BOFH
Episode 5 I've written a plugin BLAH BLAH BLAH
bofh_toppy
You know what it's like. Some idiot in senior management buys a crap bit of software online - with functionality that's already built into Outlook, but is just slightly different - and it has to be installed right now.
And the moment you double-click on the installer you know you're in trouble when it tells you …
BOFH: Siri, why do users lie?
Episode 4 You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything.
bofh_sideybofh
"My bloody voicemail isn't working. Again." the Boss snaps.
"You've forgotten your PIN number again, haven't you?" the PFY asks.
"No, it's just not working!"
"What's not working about it?"
"It won't let me log in. It tells me there's a message but won't let me log in."
"Because you're using the wrong PIN …
BOFH: Dawn raid on Fort BOFH
Episode 3 Good morning, Mr Simmons. Ready for our little game?
bofh_pic
You know, sometimes I wish someone just had the balls to say they want a new iPad cos it looks cool. That they have no clue of what the f$*# they’d use it for, but their kids think they’re great and they can’t be stuffed forking out the money themselves for one so they figure the company should just get one and save …
BOFH: Moon landings, Pong and the case of the smoking server
Episode 2 Embrace, extend, exterminate ...
"It's about your assistant," the Boss says, looking around carefully as he nods me into his office.
"Yes?"
"He told me something yesterday. Something disturbing."
"Oh, I wouldn't believe everything he says, he's prone to making outrageous statements. I mean the goat lived and the charges against him were dropped."
"What …
BOFH: The Cloud Committee Calamity
Episode 1 'You'd need 8 people, all with photos of their targets. And their routes home...'
"Slipped in front of a bus. Fell FROM a bus. Fell in front a Circle line train. Jumped or fell off the Hungerford Bridge. Fell in front of a black cab. Jumped in front of a minicab; stepped into an open manhole; fell down some stairs; and crossed against the lights at Oxford Circus and was hit by a cab," the Personnel bloke …
BOFH: The Explosive Christmas Evacuation
Episode 20 HR roasting on an open fire...
Everyone loves the last day. The prospect of holidays ahead always puts people in a good mood which in turn leads to generosity, indulgence and poorly-thought-through dalliances in front of recording devices.
But more than that, in the season of goodwill those in the service side of the company get some recognition for the …
BOFH: The day the office budget bombed – literally
Episode 19 Explosive network kit Trojan
“And this was the extinguisher here, was it?” the Health and Safety feeb asks.
“That’s the one!” I say.
“And you don’t know of any reason how it came to be filled with diesel instead of water?”
“None!” the PFY lies. “But then it may have been like that when we took the building over!”
Luckily the H&S droid isn’t likely to …
BOFH: Licence to grill ... stupid users
Episode 18 The phone rings. Ah, live bait!
...
"Hello, You're speaking with Simon – or rather, Version 3.1 recurring"
"Sorry?" my user asks.
"Version 3.1 recurring. Speaking."
"Can't you just give me Office 2003 back?" he whines.
"Sorry, Office 2003 is ancient history – like calculator watches, white jeans for men and the expression 'snazzy'."
"Why?"
"It was …
BOFH: We don't need no stinkin' upgrade
Episode 17 Bloated, slow and leaky - what version numbers really mean
"But I just want to go back to the way it was..." my user whines.
"What, when computers crashed every 10 minutes?"
"No, I..."
"Where the Print function acted more like the combination of the Hang and Discard Changes functions?"
"NO, I JUST WANT MY MENU BACK!"
"You mean you don't like the ribbon? It's new!"
"I don't care …
BOFH: Hordes unleashed... by a RAM upgrade
Episode 16 Fault #45113: Company Corrie email list is down
BOFH Volume 5
It’s the same old story – you make some tiny change and before you know it they're oozing out of the woodwork.
You know who I'm talking about – the idiots.
They notice that your signature uses Garamond instead of Times Roman and before you know it they're on the phone wanting to know if there's a new …
BOFH: Where's my free fondleslab?
Episode 15 No one ever died from buying a ... >KZERRT!<
"Well it looks like the Company's doing well," the PFY says, handing over a glossy brochure.
"Really - how do you figure?" I ask, giving the Company's annual report the once over. "The bottom line looks pretty flat as far as I can see."
"I was just judging by the front cover - the limousine," the PFY says
"Oh that!" I say, …
BOFH: No, the Fabinocci sequence
Episode 14 Joo Janta Peril Sensitive Windows™
"I'm just here to do the audit," a weedy bloke says, poking his head nervously into Mission Control.
"What audit?" the PFY says, reading my mind.
"The safety audit – surely they told you about it?"
"No, nothing," the PFY responds.
"Ah," the Weed says. "Well, I've got a checklist of all the accidents that have occurred in or …
BOFH: I'll get my bonus even if it kills, well, someone
Episode 13 Goals, reviews ... unexpected tragedies
"Okay, so we'll just work our way through last year's review and then move onto this year's one," the Boss says, fingering a couple of chunky wads of paper.
I hate review time. The only consolation I get from it is knowing that Bosses hate it as well. Everyone hates them - except for the drones from HR for whom this is …
BOFH: Beer, shinies, death by fire, rats IN THAT ORDER
Episode 12 Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself ...
Not much surprises me about middle management any more, least of all their inability to prioritise.
I mean the core router could have crapped itself, the HR & Financials databases might be offline a day before pay day and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could be in the freight elevator pressing "2" yet some "compliance …
BOFH: Axe handles - occasionally quite slippery
Episode 11 Just a sleeper bot programmed to murder us all
12:34:56am. Company Stores
Wakeup trigger. . .
9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... SELFTEST: OK 2 ... 1
Peripheral test ... USB Boot Media ... OK Panel ... OK Cameras ... Std:OK,Infra:OK,UV:OK 3D Directional Mic OK Hi Speed Steppers 1:OK,2:OK,3:OK,4:OK SERVOS 1:OK,2:OK,3:OK,4:OK Battery OK, level 67% Servo Saw OK …
BOFH vs PFY: There can be only one (on the exes chit)
Episode 10 'Do you get the headaches? I get such bad headaches'
So the Boss has a bit of funding that he doesn't know what to do with.
Okay, the Boss always has funding he doesn't know/understand what to do with, but this time it's different. The company has decided to allocate out "Professional Development" funds to key areas of the business to permit a staff member to receive advanced …
BOFH: Drunken Time Lord
Episode 9 Glass lift, laxatives, untraceable banknotes ... oh my
"It's only 1:30pm!" the PFY grumbles, looking up from his cellphone clock.
"I know," I say. "It's that variable viscosity of time again."
"The what now?" the PFY asks
"The variable viscosity of time. You know, how the viscosity of time is inversely proportional to what you'd like the viscosity to be."
"You’ve lost me."
" …
BOFH: CSI Haxploitation Cube Farm Apocalypse
Episode 8 The new nanovector viruses hide in the parity handshaking
“Can you just come here for a moment?” Ray - the brand spanking new Boss with the IQ of a pot plant - asks, ducking into Mission Control.
The PFY and I follow – after all it’s a Friday morning and there’s an hour or so till the pub opens for lunch.
“Can you tell me what happened here?” Ray asks, once he’s led us to the …
BOFH: Ready for the Judgment Day
Episode 7 You're wrong, proton breath. I'll be done with you in time to watch Oprah!
"THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DEGREE FEEDBACK!" the PFY gasps "SOUNDS FANTASTIC!!!"
"Really?" the Boss says doubtfully... "Somehow I thought that you wouldn't be all that keen."
"Au contraire," the PFY responds. "We here and Systems and Networks are only too keen to know the thoughts and feelings of our clientele. We hope to match …
BOFH: Attack of the Global Corporate Overlords
Episode 6 Chaos at Mission Central
"There's going to be a takeover!" the PFY gasps, crashing into Mission Control.
"I thought you saw them off the premises," I reply, "although quite what you sawed off you never made clear. Thanks for that."
"No, the company – it's being taken over!"
"Really? Says who?"
"Says everyone. It's all over the building!" …
BOFH: Every silver lining has a cloud
Episode 5 Tout, tout, through and about, your callow life in dismay...
"Code Magenta," the PFY mumbles quietly as he wanders past me on the way to Mission Control.
"Code Magenta!" the Director's PA repeats in hushed tones, unable to keep her nose out of things that don’t concern her – "What does that mean?"
"It's a systems code about operational availability," I lie. "We have various codes …
BOFH: People get annoyed when you try to debug them
Episode 4 Conceal your special gift and do not harness it until the time of the Gathering
"You know what I hate?" the PFY asks one morning, looking up from a sheaf of bright pink pages.
"Oooh!" I say "I know this! Short people. Short MEN to be more precise. Short men in authority positions. Short men in authority positions and Mac users. Short men in authority, Mac users and the fact that NO programmable remote …
BOFH: In distributed denial
Episode 3 That's not where you're supposed to spread the peanut butter
"Is there... something wrong with the internet?" our user asks quietly.
"No, no, pretty sure it's working fine," I say, looking over to the PFY's Bittorrent machine which is sucking up so much bandwidth it’s in danger of affecting the QoS of the phone system...
"It's just that I can't seem to connect to my home email," the …
BOFH: This buck's for you
Episode 2 Psst, pass it on
“What’s this?” the Boss snaps, pushing several sheets of paper over the desk at me in an annoyed manner.
“Ah! Memo two thousand and eleven dash one dash one,” I reply, “workplace resiliency.”
“Yes, I can read the title, but what is it?”
“It’s a memo outlining the things we should be addressing for systems and networks …
BOFH: There's no 'I' in team, but there's a 'u' in suck
Episode 1 My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die ...
“Team Conference!” the Boss chips quickly in the door of Mission Control before moving on to other offices.
“Welcome ... to ... THE MACHINE!” I murmur to the PFY.
“Say what now?” the PFY asks.
“The Machine. Like in Princess Bride. You’ll notice how management’s been conspicuously quiet over the past couple of weeks?”
“I …
BOFH: Who's been naughty and who's been nice?
Episode 19 Bastard and PFY's bulging sack of treats
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the workplace,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a cobbled-together robot, fashioned from
the remaining pieces of several other cobbled-together robots. Dressed in an elf suit.
Two stockings are hung by the Boss' door with care,
In the hopes that a bonus cheque soon …
BOFH: Pain fear games
Episode 18 It's an austere year ahead - let's get festive
“I don’t understand” the PFY says “We’re not invited to any parties?”
“Apparently not. The rest of the department are, but this is one Christmas you’ll not be visiting any of the other departments!”
“But we always go to departmental Christmas functions!” the PFY protests “We get things going and keep the momentum up. We get …
BOFH: Look out!
Episode 17 In BOFH office, squeaky wheel greases you
“So what do the following have in common?” the Boss seethes “My desk drawer, the complaints box at reception and the boot of the deputy CEO’s car?”
“They’re all places you can take a dump?” the PFY asks, pouring a little petrol on the flames of the Boss’ annoyance.
“WHAT!?”
“You’ll have to forgive my assistant” I interject …
BOFH: BOFH vs Bot: Ultimate Smackdown
Episode 16 Sacrifice is nice
I love these quiet moments before the storm.
Well, technically speaking, it’s between storms, but the fact remains that there’s a certain amount of solace in not actually being in a storm at this point in time.
In these calm periods my mind enters a peaceful, dreamlike state where I find my thoughts drifting in anticipation …
BOFH: You just can't go around killing people
Episode 15 What do you mean why? 'Cause you can't
Bot Wars IV - The Screenplay
[Black Screen]
Several screens of multi-coloured static flash by before the words:
INITIAL TESTS INDICATE
UNIT OK
appear in large tasteless block letters on the screen. Another burst of static crowds the screen before a Camera image appears with the top half of the PFY’s upside-down face …
BOFH: Join the club
Episode 14 I like big bots and I cannot lie
“You make it sound so... nasty,” the PFY says to the Boss as he fingers through several sheets of complaints.
“What – trying to maim a supplier’s employees just because you don’t like their product!?” the Boss snaps.
“THEY STARTED IT!” the PFY retorts.
“How?”
“They sent us their product!”
“And in response you’ve been …
BOFH: Pepper-packing bot plot
Episode 13 Spray you, spray me
Isn’t it always the way that the moment you get down to doing something important that requires a large part of your concentration, some idiot rolls up with an inane problem that just can’t wait?
Like now, for instance, when the PFY and I are trying to quietly drill a small inspection hole in a recently delivered crate to see …
BOFH: Lock shock
Episode 12 I have never seen this man before in my life. Nor this one
“No, I’m pretty sure you don’t work for the company,” the PFY says, tapping away furiously on his keyboard.
“What’s up?” I ask, as the PFY mutes the phone while the bloke on the other end has some form of protracted verbal seizure.
“That idiot from accounts who wanted us to pick up the bill for his home broadband has got a …
BOFH: Robot wars
Episode 11 Just tell us what you (chain)saw
“I could have been killed!” the Boss whimpers, rubbing a couple of prominent bruises.
“I think that’s a little far-fetched,” the PFY sniffs. “What was it going to do, 360-degree-camera you to death?”
“It had a circular saw in its hands!!”
“Really? It had hands!?”
“Well, its claw then!”
“IT’S GOT A CLAW!?”
“WHATEVER THE …
BOFH: Die, Robot
Episode 10 A serious pain in the Asimov
“A Security Robot?!” the PFY gasps. “Really?”
“Really,” the Boss nods.
“And we have no say in the matter?”
“It’s a security thing.”
“But our technical budget pays for it.”
“Our Capital budget, yes, but the operational expenses will come out of security’s budget.”
“So what sort of robot will it be – something like Robocop …
BOFH: Lies and the lying liars who lie about them
Episode 9 Some truly beastly behaviour
“And how long will it take?” the user echoes from the handsfree speaker on the PFY’s phone.
“To restore access to your email? I’m not sure. Have you tried closing down Outlook and restarting it?” the PFY responds.
“Yes.”
“What about restarting it in Safe Mode?”
“I tried that,” the user says – a little too quickly.
“Well, …
BOFH: Little ups and downs
Episode 8 Your hate is lifting me higher
"I... uh..." the Boss says, wandering into Mission Control aimlessly, searching for the right words to bring up whatever's on his mind.
"Yes?" I ask, letting him off the hook.
"The lifts" he says cryptically..
"The lifts?" I repeat..
"The buttons on the lifts" he says.
"They have buttons - yes - well spotted," I say.
" …
BOFH: Risky business
Episode 7 Contingency plan? Shine a light
"All I'm saying," I say, trying not to lose my rag, "is that you don't have to keep all your email messages in their entirety."
"Yes, but I need my email as a record," the PR droid burbles.
"That may be, but you don't need a record of the 50 messages between you and the woman from the office across the road saying 'what do …
BOFH: The poncy director's cut
Episode 6 I smell a BAFTA... no, wait, that's just burning
EXT: COUNTRYSIDE
A lush pasture with snow-capped mountains in the distance. A fluffy white rabbit hops into shot, stops and nibbles on some grass.
[Dissolve to...]
INT: BOSS'S OFFICE
The BASTARD, PFY and BOSS are clustered around the screen of the Boss's desktop machine.
PFY
See, he just pushes his machine off the desk! …
