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Twitter's Vine creeps into HD-quality vid – but it's not really for YOU, chump

Twitter has updated its snappy video-sharing app Vine with an HD-quality option for Apple iOS users. The company said in a short blog post that fanbois could now view the vids in HD simply by adjusting a setting via the "Your Content" menu on a user's profile page. Undoubtedly, the latest tweak to the six-second video service …
Team Register, 11 Jul 2015

A quarter of public sector IT workers have never used the cloud

Almost a quarter of UK public sector IT workers are convinced they’ve never actually used the cloud, leaving a big fluffy question mark over Whitehall’s efforts to drag its technology estate into the 21st century. Research, conducted for collaboration software specialist Huddle, also showed that workers in central and local …
Team Register, 09 Jul 2015
Cassini image of Saturn taken on 10 October 2013. Pic: NASA

Speaking in Tech: It's cold outside, so NASA starts a fire in Spaaace

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is in Thailand while Sarah and Greg talk cloud taxes (whacking a nine per cent charge on the value chain), hacking the hackers (you'd think their p4ssw0rds would be better), hitching a ride with Google ( …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015

Norks execute underperforming terrapin farm manager

North Korea has executed the manager of an underperforming terrapin farm, following a "field guidance tour" of the site by Kim Jong-un. According to Daily NK, the chubby despot rolled up at the facility on the Taedong River in Pyongyang back in May (see pic, below), to find "some of the tanks were not adequately supplied with …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015
Star Wars: Battlefront

Han Solo to get solo prequel flick in 2018, helmed by LEGO men

Disney's plans to shamelessly cash in on tell more and richer stories from the Star Wars universe will result in a solo Han Solo film in 2018. reports that the as-yet-un-named entertainment will be helmed by Christopher Miller and Phil Lord, the duo responsible for The LEGO Movie, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015

Sony phone chief vows to keep losing money forever and ever

Sony's phone boss has vowed to stay in the mobile business until the heat death of the universe – despite losses that have dragged the rest of the Japanese giant down. Sony handsets lost almost ¥200bn ($1.63bn, £1bn) last year, while almost all of the rest of Sony made money. Nevertheless, Sony Mobile's latest president, …
Team Register, 07 Jul 2015
Toilet roll printed with fake US $100 bills

Private companies fall behind in cloud spending race

Spending on cloud infrastructure will take an increasing share of customer dollars over the next five years, with public cloud providers outspending their private cloud counterparts. IDC has reported that total worldwide cloud IT infrastructure spending will hit $33.4bn this year, a 26.4 per cent increase on the year. This …
Team Register, 07 Jul 2015

Canuck chump cuffed over helium balloon flying chair stunt

A high-flying Canuck was cuffed over the weekend after overflying the Calgary Stampede in a lawn chair suspended beneath 120 helium-filled balloons. All Clean Natural Balloon Stunt!!! Daniel Boria had planned to skydive into the rodeo extravaganza as a publicity stunt for his company All Clean Natural. With his $20 chair …
Team Register, 07 Jul 2015
Carnival dancers in Brazil

'Facebook without sin' attracts 0.00006 times as many users as Facebook

News bytes A social networking website built in Brazil is touting itself as a sin-free version of Facebook. Dubbed Facegloria, the Portuguese-language site prides itself on Christian values to connect users. The site vows to terminate users who offend "morals and good manners." According to BBC News, Facegloria has attracted 100,000 …
Team Register, 06 Jul 2015
Google Cardboard VR

Google's Cardboard cutout VR headgear given away GRATIS by OnePlus ... SELLS OUT

Google's VR face goggles, dubbed Cardboard, were being given away for free, plus shipping by OnePlus. Until – that is – the smartphone maker sold out of the devices. The marketing stunt appeared to have paid off for the Chinese firm, at least in shipment fees ($5 a pop) and publicity. OnePlus was offering a modified version …
Team Register, 04 Jul 2015
'Rare SNES' found in box of junk. Image credit: DanDiebold, imgur

Did a SUPER RARE Sony-Nintendo PlayStation prototype just pop up online? Possibly, maybe

Vid A precious prototype of what appears to be a Nintendo-Sony Playstation has been paraded online, after the console was discovered languishing in a "box of junk". Youtube Video Dan Diebold uploaded some pictures of the supposed SNES to imgur and said: "My dad worked for a company, apparently one of the guys he used to work …
Team Register, 04 Jul 2015
The northern giant mouse lemur and its improbably large testicles. Pic: Melanie Seiler

Biologists gasp at lemur's improbably colossal bollocks

Scientists are marvelling at a lemur with testicles so large that were a human chap to carry equivalent plums in his trouser department, they'd be the size of a couple of grapefruit. The average male northern giant mouse lemur (Mirza zaza) tips the scales at just 280g, but has "an average testes volume of 15.48 cubic centimetres …
Team Register, 03 Jul 2015

Rampaging fox terrorises rural sports club, victim sustains ‘tweaked groin’

Shaken members of a Cambridgeshire sports club have recounted a terrifying ordeal at the jaws of a rampaging fox. According to an entertaining BBC report, the victims were confronted by the "vicious" creature as they attempted to leave Alconbury Sports and Social Club last Saturday night. In the ensuing panic, chairman Bruce …
Team Register, 03 Jul 2015

Speaking in Tech: Just slacking off and keeping things contained

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Sarah is on vacation while Eddie and Greg slack it off on Sheryl Sandberg, API copyrights and containers. Our special guest this week is Chad Sakac, president, global systems engineering, EMC. This week we …
Team Register, 01 Jul 2015
finger pushing first in set of dominos

Apple workforce touch up iPhones with Force Touch tech – report

Apple has reportedly started using its so-called Force Touch technology in new models of its iPhone handsets, which have apparently now hit the production line. According to Bloomberg, Cupertino's upcoming iPhones will be kitted out with touch-sensing haptic displays that push back on your fingertips if the pressure is too hard …
Team Register, 28 Jun 2015

'Please, choose to be a good citizen and DON’T ask Siri about 9/11'

QuoTW This week saw Microsoft sharpen the knives while GM showed off an incredibly ugly car and Samsung borked a few notebooks. Here are the best quips we picked up along the way. Outsourcing house of horrors Capita recently made 700 UK workers redundant. Turns out, they might be the lucky ones, if our story is any indication. The …
Team Register, 28 Jun 2015

Speaking in Tech: Apple crumbles to Taylor Swift. Let the disruption begin

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, the crew talk about antagonising construction workers in Seattle (they don’t like the Village People’s ‘YMCA’, apparently) the Open Container Project (container burnout, and who’s going to acquire whom, and …
Team Register, 24 Jun 2015

DEATH by VEGETABLES: Woman charged with killing boyf using carrots. And peas

A woman in California allegedly killed her boyfriend using mixed veg, according to local news reports. According to NBCLA, a local prosecutor states that Linda Clarene Jackson, 59, of Lake Los Angeles, allegedly attacked her 59-year-old boyfriend, David Ruiz, while he was in her house. The local TV station reported further that …
Team Register, 23 Jun 2015

Anakin Skywalker chased by cops, crashes podracer into tree

Anakin Skywalker – legally known as Jake Lloyd – has been arrested after a high-speed police chase concluded when his vehicle ploughed into a tree. Lloyd, 26, was arrested for reckless driving, failure to stop, resisting arrest and driving without a licence in Charleston, South Carolina. According to the sheriff's deputies, …
Team Register, 22 Jun 2015
Apple iMac 27-inch with Retina Display

Apple to replace DODGY hard drives that go BELLY UP in 27-inch iMac

Apple has kicked off a replacement program for faulty hard drives in some of its 27-inch iMac computers. Cupertino confirmed on Friday that an unknown number of systems sold between December 2012 and September 2013 were affected by the flaw. It said: "Apple has determined that a very small number of 3TB hard drives used in 27- …
Team Register, 21 Jun 2015

Assange: 'If anyone knows about reckless behaviour, it's me'

QuoTW This week brought with it the death of journalism and the the exit of Stephen Elop from Microsoft. Here's some of the better quotes the week brought us as well: Brendan Eich, noted for the creation of JavaScript, said that he wouldn't mind seeing the standard become a bit easier to work with. He laid out his vision for the …
Team Register, 21 Jun 2015
Cassini snaps Saturn's Dione moon. Image credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/Space Science Institute

Say 'cheese'! Cassini probe ZOOMS IN on Saturn's craggy Dione moon

NASA's Cassini spacecraft has passed tantalisingly close to Saturn's pitted, icy Dione moon. The probe was within 321 miles (516 kilometres) of Dione on 16 June, the US space agency said. Cassini will have an even closer encounter with the moon on 17 August, when it's expected to swoop within 295 miles (474 kilometres) of Dione …
Team Register, 20 Jun 2015

Yep, it's true: Android is the poor man's phone worldwide

Android’s market share globally is closely tied to the spending power of a particular market and it dominates in low-income countries, a survey of real-time usage has confirmed. Android has 92.25 per cent of the Egyptian smartphone market, ranked 120th in GDP per capita, and 88.71 per cent in India, ranked 142nd. By contrast, …
Team Register, 19 Jun 2015
Cloudy sky

Speaking in Tech: LastPass hack was a total HASH, amirite?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Sarah is out while Ed and Greg talk about the LastPass hack, OpenStack training certifications and Facebook privacy concerns in the EU. Our special guest this week is Ashley McNamara, Developer Advocate at …
Team Register, 17 Jun 2015

The insidious danger of the lone wolf control freak sysadmin

Often within teams there is a certain shared camaraderie and level of trust between team members. They chew the fat, have a moan or playful poke at other staff during a day’s work. They cover for each other and stuff usually gets done. At the end of the day, they spend more time with each other than family. Occasionally, however …
Team Register, 17 Jun 2015
Apple Beats headphones

Speaking in Tech: Has Apple ever done music right?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Greg is busy at the Cisco Live event, while Sarah and Ed drive the podcast most admirably. This week they review the Apple Worldwide Developer Conference (nothing much to see here, move along), the Apple Watch …
Team Register, 10 Jun 2015
Register Roundtable at the Soho hotel

Has marketing grabbed the IT reins at your company?

CIO Manifesto IT execs face many threats, but perhaps their biggest nightmare is the prospect of IT strategy being driven by the whims of the marketing department. Yet aligning technology and the...softer business disciplines, could be the key to survival in a world where customers, and suppliers, expect to be hooked into your company as …
Team Register, 09 Jun 2015
NuStar's view of the Sun

'Nobody owns 'ol Sol. Now gimme €10k to keep it that way, suckers'

QuoTW This week, the US government got hacked, while Microsoft lost a very big customer and venture capitalists took aim at patent trolls. These were some of the best quotes of the week. Spaniard Angeles Duran has staked a claim to ownership of ol' Sol, and now she's fighting eBay for the right to sell the big, burny thing in the sky …
Team Register, 07 Jun 2015

Speaking in Tech: We don't have guaranteed coverage any more, says Dell's chief PR

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week Ed, Greg and Sarah get together to pick smart watches, debate clouds, review some big changes in IT and finally we get to Sarah's performance review at Dell with her boss. This week we discuss... (1:20) The …
Team Register, 03 Jun 2015
Dread Pirate Roberts

'You wanted Silk Road to be your legacy. And it is. Now enjoy your life behind bars'

QuoTW This was the week we made chips out of wood, watched a $37bn merger break out and killed each other's iPhones just for fun. But what were the best quotes? We start in New York, where Silk Road creator Ross Ulbricht learned he would be spending the next few decades in the big house. Earlier in the week, Ulbricht had asked the …
Team Register, 31 May 2015
Screenshot of Chrome's "Aw, snap!" error message

Speaking in Tech: Scrubbing Chrome with Google's Brillo

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week Ed, Greg and Sarah get together to digest Google's IoT operating system (is there a hidden agenda, and will it be open source?), creepy teddy bears (Ted made real, maybe, or just an Android phone with some …
Team Register, 27 May 2015

'Sorry we outed your affair ... this sort of thing happens every day'

QuoTW This week brought with it cruddy security, an expensive business opportunity and a free lunch. Here are some of our favourite quotes from along the way: Looking for a bit of *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* "adult" companionship? Here's hoping you didn't go to AdultFriendFinder. The hookup-as-a-service site had a rather embarrassing …
Team Register, 23 May 2015
Nasty 1 star. Artist's illustration credit: NASA/ESA/G.Bacon (STSci)

SLOPPY STELLAR CANNIBAL star is a NASTY 1, astroboffins squeal

Scientists have observed odd features present in a supermassive star in our galaxy that they have somewhat appropriately dubbed Nasty 1. It was in fact first clocked decades ago, when astroboffins believed they had found a Wolf-Rayet star – a rare type of hot, cosmic beast that grows huge in its old age as it starts to run out …
Team Register, 23 May 2015

Tim Worstall: Metals, mining and my heavyweight book

Reg Events The Register's favourite economist cum metals trader cum miner Tim Worstall will be delivering our next Summer lecture on June 4 and launching his latest book to boot. So, whether you want to hear Tim cough up pearls of wisdom on the obscure metals that underpin our industry, or throw the book at him for refuting some of the …
Team Register, 22 May 2015
Ozjet Boating

Sydney readers: fancy a ride in a JET BOAT?

If you’re into fun on the water, great food and hyper-converged IT infrastructure you’ll want to dive into The Register’s SimpliVity Excitement Lunch. The event takes place on Tuesday, June 16. We'll kick off at noon with a bite in to eat, during which the chaps from SimpliVity will explain how it hyper-converges all IT …
Team Register, 20 May 2015
storage arrays superimposed on cloudy sky

Speaking in Tech: How come everyone's stopped doing private cloud on OpenStack?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week Ed and Greg are in Vancouver, BC for the OpenStack Summit with Amy Lewis filling in for Sarah. This week we talk about the Apple TV, hacked planes, barista DJ's, OpenStack and containers. Our special guest this …
Team Register, 20 May 2015
register logo

If IT isn’t careful, marketing will soon be telling us what to do

CIO Manifesto Every business today is a multichannel business with more communication channels generating more data than ever before. Marketing is a key driver here as it struggles to keep the business relevant and on the agenda of a new breed of buyer - and supplier. It needs to be social, integrated, responsive, open, honest. But IT has to …
Team Register, 20 May 2015
register logo

CIOs: How can IT patrol the border in a multi-channel world?

Reg Events If you expect your company to be around five years from now, you can also expect that the IT department is going to be called on to help sales, marketing and procurement deal with the world far beyond the server room. We used to have an iron curtain between "them" and "us", but now we let suppliers and customers access our …
Team Register, 19 May 2015
Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs movie gets October release date

The Aaron Sorkin-penned, Danny Boyle-directed and Michael Fassbender-starring Steve Jobs movie has emerged with a release date and teaser trailer. The film, titled Steve Jobs, will see the light of day on 9 October. The sparse teaser trailer, below, gives us a look at Seth Rogen as Steve Wozniak, Jeff Daniels as John Sculley …
Team Register, 18 May 2015


A tiny drone that can apparently fit in the palm of your hand has been developed by U.S. military boffins. According to the AFP, the "micro air vehicle" – which was named after the cicada insect – is a bit like a mobile handset with wings. A prototype of the dinky drone cost a few thousand dollars to make but the Naval Research …
Team Register, 17 May 2015
Elon Musk

Musk: 'It's BS for ex-Vulture to claim I forced employee to miss sprog's birth'

QuoTW This week we found a quadruple quasar, fought with Vladimir Putin and made short work of our combination locks. But what were the best quotes, you may wonder? Republican presidential hopeful and brother of Dubya, Jeb Bush, thinks we should replace our health insurance plans with Sir Jony's shiny time piece. Speaking in Arizona …
Team Register, 17 May 2015
Rachel in Blade Runner

Speaking in Tech: The post-SSD world – we’re talking about memories

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we talk Cloud Foundry, the problems with Solid State storage (losing power for a while — and then data for the rest of your life), rebooting your Boeing 787 (preferably not over the Atlantic), and Microsoft …
Team Register, 13 May 2015
IBM Headquarters, Armonk, NY

Big Blue embiggens little iron to match the march of the Xeon

IBM wants to win the spec-war with Chipzilla: in response to a growing number of x86 vendors pitching four-socket Haswell-EX-based mobos, Big Blue has announced the Power E850. This four-socket system is a shot back at announcements already made by HP, Dell, Oracle, Fujitsu and NEC, with World+Dog presumably queuing up to follow …
Team Register, 12 May 2015

ISS 'naut: How we collect our POO and DROP it FLAMING on hapless Earthlings

Italy's first female astronaut, Samantha Cristoforetti, has offered the internet a full talkthrough on one of the International Space Station's most famous and terrifying facilities: its lavatory. Headlined the "International Space Station toilet tour", Cristoforetti's video explains how a fan creates suction to avoid smells …
Team Register, 11 May 2015

El Reg knocks a fiver off 16GB USB stick

It's with a small fanfare of trumpets that we can announce that El Reg's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion has knocked a fiver off its Vulture-branded 16GB USB stick. The two sides of the USB stick, showing the Register branding Simple as that. Whereas this small object of desire was £12.99, it can now be yours for just £ …
Team Register, 11 May 2015
Minority Report. Source: Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment

Fox gives Minority Report the nod – precog goes primetime on tellybox

Hollywood director Steven Spielberg has thrown his weight behind a hotly-anticipated Minority Report TV series. According to Deadline, Spielberg – whose 2002 Minority Report movie starred Tom Cruise – was impressed enough to attach his name to the project after watching a pilot of the show. Fox confirmed on Friday that it had …
Team Register, 10 May 2015
Mac malware

Ex-NSA bloke: 'I love Apple products, I just wish they were secure'

QuoTW The first full week of May saw Uber size up Nokia's map biz, while a Tiversa employee claimed he went rogue and Tesla caught flack for its new home battery pack. Here are some of the last seven day's choice quotes: Infosec bod Patrick Wardle laid into Apple for its lame security practices. The former NSA, researcher when asked …
Team Register, 10 May 2015

Speaking in Tech: 'We're angry about the things most important to us'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we tackle the challenge of group think and tribes as well as Periscope winning the fight, Chambers stepping down as CEO and the potential for an EMC - HP mega merger. This week we discuss... (1:30) Back from …
Team Register, 06 May 2015
Monsters vs. Aliens image

Google: Are you BIG? Be welcome at the Bigtable, chomp and scoff data

Google has opened up its Bigtable database – which, among other things powers the ad giant's search tech – to businesses handling vast amounts of data. The multi-billion dollar company claimed in a blog post this morning that its Google Cloud Bigtable would help enterprises and big orgs to deal with "the coming age of the …
Team Register, 06 May 2015
register logo

In charge of security? We need to talk...

CIO Manifesto If you head up security for your organisation, you probably feel like you’re caught between know-it all techies, ignorant directors and unbending compliance regulations. So do most of your peers, and that’s why we want to bring you together to discuss the reality of running IT securely in 2015 at our May 20 roundtable. The …
Team Register, 06 May 2015