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James Franco and Seth Rogen in The Interview

Speaking in Tech: The Interview? PAH. Nobody'd bother if the Norks had kept quiet

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise The whole crew is together again for the New Year's ep of El Reg's tech cast, hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela, with special guest Mark Twomey (aka Storagezilla) of EMC. Don't be alarmed when you start the podcast - we have a new introduction this week …
Team Register, 07 Jan 2015
Confused computer keyboard

Software-defined everything: So, WHEN is the 'future'?

The software-defined data centre concept has attracted considerable attention and hype, with its promise of reducing hardware costs and automating control of infrastructure. Backers of the idea say the SDDC will enable policy-driven management of resources, allowing applications to be deployed across commodity hardware to suit …
Team Register, 05 Jan 2015
Smartphones

Secretive Chinese smartphone maker Xiaomi gets TALKY over HUGE sales

Chinese tech giant Xiaomi racked up 74.3bn yuan ($11.97bn) in pre-tax revenue last year, the company's president Bin Lin said today. The vendor apparently had a mega 135 per cent growth spurt in 2014, after it sold more than 61 million smartphones during the 12-month period. Xiaomi's co-founder didn't offer any details on …
Team Register, 04 Jan 2015

Acer to unveil a 15.6-INCH Chromebook WHOPPER at CES

CES 2015 Acer has bigged up an embiggened Chromebook with a 15.6-inch screen ahead of the opening of the world's largest consumer electronics trade show – CES – in Las Vegas in a few days' time. The vendor claimed that it had developed a robust Google OS-powered laptop with a case that it promised would "withstand up to 60kg of force, …
Team Register, 03 Jan 2015
South Park: Stick of Truth

Ugly Microsoft code NUKED Bing and Yahoo! – report

Microsoft and Yahoo!'s search engines may hold much smaller portions of the market, which is dominated by ad giant Google, but netizens still noticed when the services went dark for a short period on Friday. Reuters, citing a person briefed on the outages, reported today that the search engines went titsup after Redmond …
Team Register, 03 Jan 2015
V

UFOs in the '50s skies? CIA admits: 'IT WAS US'

The US government's Central Intelligence Agency has 'fessed up about reports of UFO sightings in the 1950s by playfully tweeting "it was us". It linked to a document entitled The CIA and the U-2 Program 1954-1974 (PDF), which was first published in 1998. The CIA decided to flag it up via its Twitter account because it had …
Team Register, 01 Jan 2015
Reg SF holiday test materials

El Reg tests portable breathalyzers: Getting drunk so you don't have to

Celebrating Christmas and the New Year is traditional in many cultures and, humans being what they are, usually involves the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol. Of course, that consumption comes with a cost. The liver, which processes over 90 per cent of booze consumed, can take a hit from a heavy session. Plenty of …
Team Register, 31 Dec 2014
Earth

Euro SPACEMAN snaps incredible images of our Blue Planet

Vid ESA 'naut Alexander Gerst captured some breathtaking images of Earth during his six-month stint on the International Space Station. This timelapse video brings together 12,500 photos snapped by Gerst while he was part of the Blue Dot mission from May to November this year. Youtube Video Highlights include stunning auroras, …
Team Register, 28 Dec 2014
Who trio, photo: BBC

Doctor Who's tangerine dream and Clara's death wish in Last Christmas

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK-BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! Brid-Aine says: I don’t usually have much time for schmaltz and sentimentality, but I make an exception for Christmas. I can take a certain amount of it at this time of year, the season of goodwill and all that. But the sight of the new and …
Team Register, 25 Dec 2014
International Space Station

Mysterious STAR set to appear on Christmas Eve above Blighty: The ISS

NASA's International Space Station is expected to be shining brightly above Britain's skies tonight. Budding young scientists can probably catch a glimpse of ISS between 5pm and 7pm today - weather permitting, of course. @Space_Station decorated for the holidays as the #ISS crew studies life in space: http://t.co/AabwSB90ba …
Team Register, 24 Dec 2014
snowden insider theft security

Google it! Ruskie gov user data slurps jumped 25% last year

Google user data access requests from the Russian government jumped a whopping 25 per cent in the last six months of 2013, Mountain View has revealed in a rejigged version of its "Transparency Report". The ad giant said it had tweaked the way it presented the information requested by governments around the world to try to "make …
Team Register, 23 Dec 2014
Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak

Brit thesp Kate Winslet eyes lead female role in Steve Jobs biopic – report

British actor Kate Winslet has reportedly entered talks with Universal to play the lead female role in the biopic of Apple supremo Steve Jobs, who died in 2011. According to Variety magazine, Oscar winner Winslet, who is perhaps best known for her performance in epic, watery-doom flick Titanic, was likely attracted to the film …
Team Register, 21 Dec 2014
Fenke with Reg the vulture and the powerbank

Last chance for Xmas Cash'n'Carrion goodies

Those of you who'd been mulling snaffling something from our Cash'n'Carrion merchandising emporium should be aware that today is the deadline for international orders to be delivered before Xmas, and UK customers should get in there tomorrow at the latest to receive their goodies before Santa touches down on their rooftops. …
Team Register, 18 Dec 2014
Boring Christmas

Scrooges rejoice! Beancounters find formula for perfect Xmas party

If you’re planning a Christmas party and you’re the sort of miserly Scrooge type that doesn’t want to waste any money on excess Christmas crackers, science has got you covered. A trio of those party-loving statisticians has worked out the formula for the optimum number of crackers for a party to ensure that everyone wins one …
Team Register, 18 Dec 2014

Speaking in Tech: MICROSOFT to buy out TWITTER? Nah

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch, and Sarah Vela. The gang look back on a reasonably quiet year, score predictions made, and look forward to next year's big corporate moves. Sarah has already started the holidays (lucky her), while Ed and Greg pontificate on next year …
Team Register, 17 Dec 2014

Heyyy, you seem to be trying to post a DRUNK PICTURE. You know your boss looks at this?

Facebook engineers have apparently began building a virtual assistant that might one day warn inebriated netizens against uploading embarrassing photos on the free-content ads platform. The company's one-year-old Artificial Intelligence research lab has been working on the project, according to WiReD magazine. Facebook's Yann …
Team Register, 15 Dec 2014
Santa Claus on his laptop

HORRIFIED Amazon retailers fear GOING BUST after 1p pricing cockup

UK businesses that rely on a third party pricing system on Amazon were hit by an hour-long software glitch on Friday night, with items being sold for just 1p. Some retailers complained that RepricerExpress's technical cockup, which happened between 7pm and 8pm on 12 December, could leave them bankrupt. A number of small …
Team Register, 14 Dec 2014
Hubble image with dark matter mass overlay

Dark matter-hunting boffins spot EXCITING signal in X-ray spectrum

Vid Boffins believe they may finally have detected the first sign of dark matter, after picking up an unusual photon emission signal in X-rays coming from space. Scientists from the EPFL lab of particle physics and cosmology (LPPC) and Leiden University are expected to publish their findings next week in Physical Review Letters. In …
Team Register, 13 Dec 2014
Google's Cardboard VR headset

Upchuck nation: Half a million CHUMPS now own Google Cardboard VR gear

Google's virtual reality headset Cardboard has now been shipped to 500,000 customers, after the ad giant unveiled the gadget earlier this year. Mountain View's VR gear landed at its I/O event in San Francisco in June, when some wondered if Google was taking a playful dig at Facebook's hefty $2bn buyout of Oculus Rift by …
Team Register, 13 Dec 2014
Medal of Honour

Speaking in Tech: Sony breach proves you can NEVER defend perimeter

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Without further delay, here's another episode of El Reg's tech podcast, wherein the question is posed: "It's 3am! Do you really want to upload that picture?" Join your host Greg Knieriemen and guest Adrian DeLuca, APAC CTO of HDS to chew the fat on the Sony data hack; …
Team Register, 11 Dec 2014
Fountain pen

You don't have to be a genius to tap into Albert Einstein's BRAIN

Thousands of papers containing the musings and correspondence of physics megaboffin Albert Einstein have been published online by Princeton University. The collection containing 13 volumes, dubbed The Digital Einstein Papers, was made available on Friday. It covers Einstein's writings from his youth to 1923. A trove of archives …
Team Register, 06 Dec 2014
Android 5.0 "Lollipop"

Speaking in Tech: Android 5.0 Lollipop is a TRAIN WRECK

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's an info-packed episode of El Reg's techcast today, with regular hosts Greg Knieriemen and Sarah Vela joined by ex-VMware bod special guest Dr John Troyer of TechReckoning.com. Ed Saipetch is away this week, but the week in tech still receives a thorough going-over... …
Team Register, 03 Dec 2014

Star Wars: Episode VII trailer lands. You call that a lightsaber? THIS is a lightsaber

Vid Star Wars' fans have been treated to their first glimpse of episode seven of the movie franchise, after a trailer for The Force Awakens, directed by J.J. Abrams, was released on Friday. Youtube Video Opinions about the film's teaser have been mixed, with the latest lightsaber design being poorly received by some netizens. …
Team Register, 30 Nov 2014

Holy sh*t! Amsterdam man in pop-up public toilet shock horror

RoTM A man in Amsterdam suffered minor injuries last night after a toilet emerging from the ground flipped a moped into the air, which then struck the victim. UriLift loos were installed in the wacky baccy Dutch city in an effort to stop blokes taking a slash in the streets. As this vid shows, the toilets appear to rise up from the …
Team Register, 29 Nov 2014

It's BLOCK FRIDAY: Britain in GREED-crazed bargain bonanza mob frenzy riot MELTDOWN

The sceptred isle of old Blighty is in flames today as greed crazed mobs, both online and in the real world, stormed bricks'n'mortar shops and etail websites alike leaving blood on the linoleum and smoke belching from overstressed data centres – hosting Currys, Tesco and other box-flingers – up and down the land. Truly, these …
Team Register, 28 Nov 2014
Fawlty Towers

Customers RAGE after Webfusion goes TITSUP

Venerable hosting firm Webfusion UK is experiencing a crippling outage which has hobbled web services across the country. At 15 years old, Webfusion is one of the UK's premier server hosts. Its website collapsed earlier today, although it is now back up, and customers said they were unable to get through to technical support on …
Team Register, 28 Nov 2014

Speaking in Tech: Is OpenStack really letting the SAN shine?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of El Reg's weekly tech podcast, stuffed with news and views on everything that's happened in our world this week. In this episode, regular host Greg Knieriemen heads a panel discussion at the OpenStack Summit in Paris earlier this month. The panel …
Team Register, 26 Nov 2014
Google and Microsoft

Frisky patent WAR: Samsung seeks to BLOCK Nvidia graphics chips from US market

Samsung Electronics's battle with chip maker Nvidia deepened on Friday, after the South Korean outfit filed a complaint with the US International Trade Commission. It wants the regulator to block Nvidia from touting its graphics chips on the US market. As spotted by Bloomberg, the USITC's website showed that Sammy's gripe had …
Team Register, 23 Nov 2014
big droplets falling from rain cloud

Microsoft's Azure goes TITSUP PLANET-WIDE AGAIN in cloud FAIL

Microsoft suffered a major outage on its cloud service Azure overnight. It went titsup just before 1am UK time, and services are only now slowly returning to normal. Microsoft confessed that multiple regions were affected by the "service interruption". Customers around the world using Azure storage, virtual machines, a number …
Team Register, 19 Nov 2014

Speaking in Tech: Go on, call us LEGACY! We solved your little startup problems 15 YEARS ago

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This week, Speaking in Tech regulars Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela have fled for Dell World, which leaves Greg Knieriemen running the show. Greg is holed up in Paris with special guests Mark Twomey, aka Storagezilla, technical director at EMC, and Francois Zimmerman, HDS chief …
Team Register, 19 Nov 2014

YIKES: Combination of LIVING WOMAN and MACHINE sighted in NYC

Intel has announced the release of a new smartwatch slash bracelet thing-a-ma-jig aimed at "fashion forward women". Mica, which stands for My Intelligent Communication Accessory, was unveiled at an event in New York last night. The "feminine communications accessory" will go on sale in early December and offers access to text …
Team Register, 18 Nov 2014
Nokia's mystery device

The Nokia ENIGMA THING and its SECRET, TERRIBLE purpose

Ever since Nokia sold its Devices'n'Services unit to Microsoft, fans of the one-time Finnish titan have been wondering whether it will be able to regain its position as one of the world's biggest tech names. But with its surprise tweet of a mystery product on Monday, online buzz has gone into overdrive. Guess what? We’re up to …
Team Register, 17 Nov 2014

SEX BEAST SEALS may be egging each other on to ATTACK PENGUINS

Boffins have shot shocking footage of seals trying to rape penguins, which are normally one of their food sources. A team of scientists has captured frank images of fur seals mounting king penguins, who are powerless to resist the sea-borne sex pests. Animal experts working on the Marion Island, near the Antarctic, found the …
Team Register, 17 Nov 2014
Undertaker with urn of ashes

DEATH fails to end mobile contract: Widow forced to take HUBBY's ASHES into shop

A widow was forced to take direct action against a T-Mobile shop after it repeatedly demanded payments for her dead husband's mobile. Maria Raybould from Cardiff, Wales, arrived at the store with her hubby's ashes in an effort to stop T-Mobile from continuing to charge £26 per month by direct debit for a Samsung Galaxy Mini SII …
Team Register, 16 Nov 2014

Rare Stegosaurus skeleton moves into plush London pad

London's Natural History Museum will be displaying the world's most complete Stegosaurus skeleton from early next month. The 300 Jurassic bones making up the plant-eating dino were dug up 11 years ago in Wyoming, US. When fully assembled, it measures 560 centimetres long and 290 centimetres tall. The animal is understood to have …
Team Register, 15 Nov 2014

Microsoft exams? Tough, you say? Pffft. 5-YEAR-OLD KID passes MCP test

Wannabe techies take note: A five-year-old kid from Coventry has passed Microsoft's Certified Professional exam. According to the BBC, Ayan Qureshi – under the guidance of his dad, Asim – first showed an interest in computing at the age of three. When the young lad arrived at the exam centre to sit the test, invigilators …
Team Register, 15 Nov 2014
Sony Bravia KDL-55HX85 television

OMG, that CLOUD has a TV in it! Sony goes Over The Top in telly wars

Mighty Japanese globocorp Sony has unveiled a new cloud-based television service called Playstation Vue. It will allow gamers to take a break from the virtual slaughter to watch programmes made by a range of partners, including CBS, Discovery and Viacom. "Everyday TV is about to become extraordinary with our new cloud-based TV …
Team Register, 13 Nov 2014

Speaking in Tech: LIVE from Dell World 2014

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Here is the latest episode of El Reg's weekly techcast, Speaking in Tech, from Dell World – with Ed Saipetch, Sarah Vela and Matt Baker, Dell's head of Enterprise Strategy, discussing "ecosystems of technology", multiple architectures, and why Dell bought itself. We're all …
Team Register, 12 Nov 2014

What kind of generation doesn't stick it to the Man, but to Taylor Swift instead?

Interview David Lowery is a mathematician, musician (Cracker, Camper Van Beethoven), songwriter and producer. He also teaches business at the University of Georgia. "Congratulations!," Lowery wrote two years ago in a widely read post — "your generation is the first in history to rebel by unsticking it to the man and instead sticking it to …
Team Register, 11 Nov 2014
comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko

Race is on to touch down on COMET 67P before WHIFFY SPACE DUCK breaks up

Vid Rosetta robot probe, Philae, is set to touch down on comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko on Wednesday, 12 November, when the craft's decade-long chase to reach the speeding, icy cosmic rock hits its target – if all goes to plan. But how long can we expect the comet to live? The European Space Agency's project scientist Matt Taylor …
Team Register, 09 Nov 2014
Doctor Who in Listen

Does Father Christmas expect a happy ending with Clara in Doctor Who?

Vid Shaun of the Dead star Nick Frost will appear in Doctor Who's Christmas special as Santa Claus. Youtube Video Viewers of last night's finale on the Beeb will have seen Frost arrive at the entrance to the Tardis as a deadpan Father Christmas, after the Doctor's cryptic farewell with Clara. Coo-eee! [knock, knock] Hello. [knock …
Team Register, 09 Nov 2014

Elon Musk and ex-Google man mull flinging 700 internet satellites into orbit

Space rocket baron Elon Musk is reportedly in tentative talks with industry players and regulatory bods to build 700 internet satellites weighing less than 250 pounds each. The billionaire is discussing the plans with Greg Wyler, according to the Wall Street Journal. Until very recently, Wyler was leading Google's efforts to …
Team Register, 09 Nov 2014
bees

Hot, horny bees swerve PLANET-SAVING DUTIES as climate warms, claim boffins

Boffins who believe that the world's climate is warming have uncovered new findings that they think could strike a serious blow to crop productivity: horny bees. Researchers from the University of East Anglia, Reg readers may want to take note, used Met Office climate records as part of their study. So we bring this information …
Team Register, 08 Nov 2014

Yes! It's DRONE PORN. And we don't mean shiny pics of UAVs

SFW-ish It's been said that a technology hasn't really made it into the mainstream until it's been used for porn*. If that's true, then welcome, drones. Thanks to Brooklyn, New York filmmakers Brandon LaGanke and John Cartucci – who produce ads, music videos, and other content via their company, Ghost+Cow – we now have Drone Boning, …
Team Register, 07 Nov 2014

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Team Register, 06 Nov 2014

Fatty Brit 4G networks SLOW DOWN. Too much Bacon, perhaps?

Brits clamouring to sign new mobile contracts to get their hands on speedier networks might want to pause for thought: 4G speeds have halved in the past year just as demand rose. This is according to a new market report from Which? — working in collaboration with OpenSignal. The mag said it used real data and real people to come …
Team Register, 05 Nov 2014
OpenStack's "Dope 'N Stack" campaign

Speaking in Tech: Biz bods chat LIVE from OpenStack Summit

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of Speaking In Tech, all ready to download to your phone or tablet to make your commute home that much more informative and funny. Join your host, Greg Knieriemen, as he hosts an all-star panel at the OpenStack Summit in Paris to debate the pros and cons …
Team Register, 05 Nov 2014
What Linus Torvalds thinks of NVIDIA

I am POLICE SERGEANT L. TORVALDS! Stop or I'll SHOOT

Linus Torvalds, main mover 'n' shaker behind the Linux kernel, has long had a reputation for being a bit of a hothead. Yet a new TV show puts a new spin on Torvalds' temper tantrums. Australian political thriller The Code, currently being screened on BBC 4, is - so the BBC 4 website tells us - "about two very different brothers …
Team Register, 04 Nov 2014

UN: Fossil fuels should be TERMINATED 86 years from now

The latest UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) report alarmingly warned today that it was vital for the world to phase out fossil fuels by 2100. The committee claimed that cutting greenhouse gas emissions by between 40 per cent and 70 per cent by 2050, and to near or below zero emissions in 2100 "would likely …
Team Register, 02 Nov 2014

Spooky GHOST LIGHT reveals DEAD GALAXIES torn apart over 6 BEEELLION years

Pic Astro boffins have observed a faded, ghostly glow of stars belched from ancient galaxies that NASA said were gravitationally ripped apart several billion years ago. The chaotic, straying stars were spotted by the US and European space agency's Hubble telescope – which is the only instrument capable of making such an observation …
Team Register, 01 Nov 2014