The Register Columnists

Team Register

Contact Mail Follow RSS feed
motorised magnetometer system at the Stonehenge survey. Pic credit: Stonehenge Hidden Landscapes Project

Huge SUPERHENGE erection found near Blighty's Stonehenge

For years, archaeologists and tourists in Britain have stood enthralled by the great stone circle at Stonehenge, a relic of a lost culture about which we know very little. Now researchers say that Stonehenge was once dwarfed by a nearby, much bigger rock-hard erection. In order to make this discovery with as little disruption …
Team Register, 07 Sep 2015

Layabout, sun-blushed techies have pick of IT job market, says survey

UK techies can pick and choose where they want their next job to be – so much so that many of them took the summer off completely to sip on pina coladas and top up their tans. That's the finding of a new survey, which revealed that according to a seasonally adjusted index measuring permanent vacancies in the IT sector, demand …
Team Register, 07 Sep 2015
"Columbian mammoth" by WolfmanSF - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Commons -


Great news for fossil followers this week, as it has emerged that a positive bone bonanza - including mammoth and bison remains - has been discovered at a development site outside San Diego. The Ice Age fossils, understood to date back from 50,000 to 200,000 years ago, were discovered at the Quarry Creek housing development …
Team Register, 06 Sep 2015

US trade watchdog to FBI: 'You think the crims won't know about the backdoor too?'

QuoTW What a week it has been. We've seen dangerous dating sites, crazy gaming rigs and crooked Wikipedia mods. Now on to some of our favourite quips: FTC Commissioner Terrell McSweeny dropped a bit of common sense on the FBI's demands of backdoors for law enforcement. She explained her own (more rational) position thusly: Some …
Team Register, 06 Sep 2015
Monty Python Galaxy Song

Astroboffins EYEBALL 13 BEELLION-year-old galaxy far, far, farthest away from Earth

Scientists reckon they have detected a galaxy that is more than 13 billion years old. It's understood to be the most distant galaxy ever observed by boffins, who revealed their findings in the latest issue of Astrophysical Journal Letters. The 13.2 billion-year-old galaxy has been dubbed EGS8p7. It was tagged as a candidate …
Team Register, 05 Sep 2015

Daredevil Brit lifts off in 54-prop quinquaquadcopter

An intrepid Brit has demonstrated the Right Stuff by strapping himself into an improbable but highly pleasing home-built, 54-prop flying contraption. The £6,000 quinquaquadcopter, dubbed by its creator the "Swarm Manned Aerial Vehicle Multirotor Super Drone", uses off-the shelf 18in props and an awful lot of 4-cell LiPos. …
Team Register, 04 Sep 2015

Borg bashes destabilising DoS bug in UCS kit

Cisco has patched a denial of service vulnerability in its unified computing platform. The remote file-overwrite vulnerability exist in the Cisco Management Controller and Cisco UCS Director unified infrastructure software. Borg security bods say there are no workarounds for the vulnerabilities other than to patch. "Cisco …
Team Register, 04 Sep 2015

Anonymous UK 'leader' fined for revealing ID of rape complainant

The leader of notorious 'hacktivist' group Anonymous UK has been fined £400 for identifying the woman who accused him of rape. Malcolm Blackman, 48, was accused of twice attacking the woman at the Occupy London protest camp outside St Paul's Cathedral in January 2013. He stood trial at the Old Bailey later that year but was …
Team Register, 03 Sep 2015

Speaking in Tech: Live from (not) The Last VMworld

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we are live from VMworld in San Francisco and we cover Cisco, Apple and, of course, VMworld. Our special guests this week are Chris Wahl from Rubrik and Lauren Malhoit from Cisco. This week, we check out …
Team Register, 02 Sep 2015

Groin-melting Fujitsu LifeBook batteries recalled in conflag alert

Fujitsu is recalling a bunch of laptop batteries due to overheating concerns. The batteries in question are dated between May 2011 and July 2012, and were offered as spare standalone batteries. In some cases, Fujitsu says, the batteries may also have been installed post-sale as replacements. The Panasonic-made batteries were …
Team Register, 02 Sep 2015
Banff Park, Canada

Canned laughter for Canadians selling cans of air at $15 a pop

A dynamic duo from Canada have claimed to have made thousands of dollars by selling cans full of air online. Moses Lam and Troy Paquette of Alberta, Canada said in an interview with the CBC that they began their business selling ziplock bags of air collected from the Canadian Rockies mountain range just for a laugh. But when …
Team Register, 01 Sep 2015
Artist's view of a binary black hole. Pic credit: NASA, ESA and G Bacon (STScI)

Boffins clock MONSTER BLACK HOLES inside quasar-hosting galaxy near Earth

Scientists have spotted two central black holes raging and skating around each other in Markarian 231 (Mrk 231) – the nearest galaxy to Earth that hosts a quasar. The binary black hole could collide in just a few 100,000 years from now, predicted astroboffins who made the discovery using NASA's Hubble Space Telescope. "We are …
Team Register, 29 Aug 2015

Company in shambles, marriages ruined. My work here is done, says Ashley Madison CEO

Noel Biderman has quit as chief exec of Avid Life Media, the parent of adultery website Ashley Madison. If you can't think why, or don't know what Ashley Madison is by now, then you must have been living under a rock for the past month – and we'd be grateful if you could let us join you. After hackers ransacked the Ashley …
Team Register, 28 Aug 2015

The most tragic thing about the Ashley Madison hack? It was really 1% actual women

When the Ashley Madison databases were splashed all over the internet by hackers, it emerged that about 31 million accounts on the Tinder-for-affairs website were created by men. And about 5 million by women. Not great odds if you're a straight fella looking to cheat on your spouse. It turns out the odds were even worse: very …
Team Register, 27 Aug 2015

Krebs: I know who hacked Ashley Madison

It appears someone closely linked to the hacking gang that ransacked adultery website Ashley Madison has accidentally outed him or herself. Investigative computer security journo Brian Krebs, with the help of pals, today named a Twitter user they believe is involved with Impact Team, which publicly leaked 33 million accounts …
Team Register, 26 Aug 2015

Speaking in Tech: Big Blue's big libido tops the Ashley Madison league

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we cover Intel, more Ashley Madison fallout, hangouts, IPOs and much, much more. Our special guest this week is Mark Twomey (aka Storagezilla). This week, we cast our eye over... (1:00) Eddie line dances …
Team Register, 26 Aug 2015

What Ashley Madison did and did NOT delete if you paid $19 – and why it may cost it $5m+

Add a multimillion-dollar US class-action lawsuit to the growing number of court battles facing the owner of the hacked Ashley Madison website. A class-action complaint [PDF] filed in a US District Court in California this week alleges that Avid Life Media (ALM) neglected to properly secure the highly compromising personal …
Team Register, 25 Aug 2015
Woman on phone. Pic: Carolyn Coles

Speaking in Tech: What's that strange rustling sound?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week it's a full cast as we cover new gadgets, Android messaging, tough work and exposed cheaters. This week, we cast our eye over... (1:50) Eddie checks in from LinuxCon: soda, sweets & sessions (7:00) Dell …
Team Register, 19 Aug 2015

'We've got the sanitation problem solved', says world's richest poop drinker

QuoTW This week, the headlines were dominated by Lenovo's bad behaviour, Google's dot-xyz obsession and a story from Silicon Valley, where even the trailer parks have $40m drama. These were some of the best quotes: The team behind the film Dallas Buyer's Club wants to go pirate hunting down under, but local authorities aren't so …
Team Register, 16 Aug 2015

Use QuickTime … and become part of the collective

Two Borg assimilators have discovered five denial of service vulnerabilities in Apple's QuickTime. The five vulnerabilities (CVE-2015-3788 to 3792) affect the latest version of QuickTime up to the patched 7.7.7 for Windows 7. Ryan Pentney and Richard Johnson of Cisco's Talos security talon reported the memory corruption holes …
Team Register, 14 Aug 2015

Assange™ is 'upset' that he WON'T be prosecuted for rape, giggles lawyer

The Swedish director of public prosecutions, Marianne Ny, has announced that she will end the investigation into Julian Assange's alleged sexual molestation and unlawful coercion. According to an update on her official website, Ny has now "discontinued the investigation of Julian Assange with respect to suspected sexual …
Team Register, 13 Aug 2015
Smoke and fire are seen after an explosion in the Binhai New Area in north China's Tianjin Municipality on Aug. 13, 2015. An explosion rocked the Binhai New Area in north China's Tianjin Municipality at around 11:30 p.m. Wednesday. The cause and casualties are not immediately known. (Xinhua/Yue Yuewei)

Huge explosion kills 44+ in China, blasts nearby supercomputer offline

Vid China is today trying to determine the cause of extensive explosions in the port city of Tianjin that have left at least 44 dead and hundreds injured. State news organ Xinhua reports that a warehouse operated by a company that specialises in dangerous goods, such as chemicals and explosives, blew up on Wednesday night. The …
Team Register, 13 Aug 2015

Dropbox adds USB two factor authentication for paranoid Chrome users

Dropbox has added dongle-driven two factor authentication to its cloud sharing services for more highly risk-averse users in a bid to foil phishing attempts. The USB authentication dongle will replace the need to manually enter a six digit code sent over insecure SMS or generated by authenticator apps. Punters will need a U2F …
Team Register, 13 Aug 2015

Speaking in Tech: Google, Alphabet spelling out their plans

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week it's Ed and Greg talking about big moves for Google, EMC and VMware, and a seemingly bad move for Nutanix. Our special guest this week is Brad O'Neill, co-founder of TechValidate, fresh from being acquired by …
Team Register, 12 Aug 2015

ANIMALS being CUT UP to make Apple Watch straps

The Register can reveal that beautiful animals are being cut down in their prime to make Apple Watch straps. We at The Register's nature history desk were upset to discover that creatures such as the majestic ostrich, the noble alligator and the much-maligned shark are being used to make wrist securing devices for fruity …
Team Register, 12 Aug 2015
management project5

Techies! Shadow IT means you need to up your game

Shadow IT is not the result of “rogue employees looking to rebel” the research firm Frost and Sullivan has declared in a review of the hybrid cloud market. However, IT chiefs can take little comfort from the report as it goes on to explain that lines of business’s installation and use of unauthorised applications is …
Team Register, 11 Aug 2015

Brassiere belays boob-bound bullet, begetting bruised breastbone

A German woman's brassiere may have saved her life by deflecting a bullet. A woman was almost killed during a hunt in North Eastern Germany, when a hunter missed his target and the rebound hit the 41-year-told tourist. The woman, who was cycling through Germany's least densely populated state of Mecklenberg-Western Pomerania …
Team Register, 11 Aug 2015

Dead Steve Jobs' life and times are being turned into an OPERA

An opera about Steve Jobs will be premiering in 2017, titled The (R)evolution of Steve Jobs. Sante Fe Opera has commissioned the work, which "examines the life of one of the most fascinating figures of our time; an innovator who simplified communication with sleek devices, but who paradoxically learned that complex human …
Team Register, 10 Aug 2015

'Cops KNOW WHO I AM and I don't believe their hearts were truly in the shootout'

QuoTW It was a week of Firefox flaws, unruly Windows and big game news. Here were our favorite quotes from the past seven days: We may have arrived in the Windows 10 era but over in Wales, IT still parties like it's 2001. NHS systems have been found to still be running the ancient operating system Windows XP on their desktops. …
Team Register, 09 Aug 2015
Noel Edmonds. Pic: Matthew Anderson

AIDS? Ebola? Nah – ELECTRO SMOG is our 'biggest problem', says Noel Edmonds

Once omnipresent telly host Noel Edmonds has claimed that "the biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not AIDS, it's electro smog." Electro smog, according to Edmonds, is a product of "the Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives" which "are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields." …
Team Register, 06 Aug 2015

McAfee tells El Reg: 'My shootout with the police was highly exaggerated'

Wildcard infosec playboy John McAfee has spoken to The Register about his arrest on driving-under-the-influence and firearms charges at the weekend. McAfee wants the world to know that: The shootout with the police was highly exaggerated and in fact no one was even hit by a bullet, let alone harmed by one. The Police knew me …
Team Register, 05 Aug 2015

Speaking in Tech: Did Philadelphia Eagles’ fans murder HitchBOT?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, it's a full boat with Ed, Sarah and Greg talking about EMC decisions (spinning in or spinning out, and the possible end of VMworld), Chromecast competitor Matchstick bites the dusk, fewer internet TV options, …
Team Register, 05 Aug 2015
Photo From <a target="_blank" href="">Shutterstock</a>

Chechen women swindle ISIS via social media: 'We need roubles to join you xx'

Chechen rozzers have reportedly arrested a trio of jihadi-baiting women who flirted with ISIS fighters online before conning them out of money they sent to pay for a non-existent rendezvous in Syria. Terrorists pledging allegiance to the self-declared caliphate – almost as contentious in name as deed – have made a concerted …
Team Register, 04 Aug 2015

Lottery chief resigns as winning combo numbers appear on screen BEFORE being drawn

Aleksandar Vulovic, czar of the Serbian state lottery, has resigned from his position after winning numbers were mysteriously broadcast on television before they had been drawn. Allegations of fraud abound on every hand following the incident, reports the Associated Press. In what was presented to the public as a live …
Team Register, 03 Aug 2015
Tom Selleck in Magnum PI

'How can HP have a dress code if I'm wearing this wacky hat?'

QuoTW We wrap up July with a week of Windows updates, camera controversy and an end to Internet Explorer. These were some of our favourite quips: HP Enterprise wanted everyone to know that, despite managers telling some engineers to smarten up for the office, it doesn't have a "global" corporate dress code, least not now anyway. To …
Team Register, 01 Aug 2015
The Incredible Shrinking Man

Buffoon in 999 call: 'Cat ate my bacon and I want to press charges'

The West Yorkshire fuzz have released recordings of nuisance calls requesting a cat be arrested for eating a man's bacon and a complaint about a noisy washing machine, as well as a request to identify the actor in Magnum PI*. As reported by the Yorkshire Post, a man rang the police to complain about his girlfriend's cat eating …
Team Register, 31 Jul 2015
Long exposure shot showing patterns made my moving lightsabers

This is TRUE science: Harvard boffins fire up sizzling BACON LASER

A team of Harvard scientists has paved the way for a deadly laser pig weapon by demonstrating that, with a little encouragement, pig fat cells can be made to lase. According to MIT Technology Review, Seok Hyun Yun and Matjaž Humar stimulated spheres of fat inside porcine cells with an optical fibre, causing them to emit laser …
Team Register, 30 Jul 2015
HMRC photo,

Contractors who used Employee Beneficiary Trusts are in HMRC's sights

The British Government closed a window of opportunity for tax-efficient folk about a year ago that was beneficial to, and widely used by, contractors: the Employee Beneficiary Trust. Only now, though, has HMRC begun chasing those who had employed this shelter. A demand for money on income generated five years ago dropped …
Team Register, 30 Jul 2015
Google Cloud logo

Speaking in Tech: Google's snapped – it's gone native in the cloud

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed, Sarah and Greg review how Google's going cloud native, Cisco shuts down Whiptail and dress codes at HP. Our special guest this week is Matt Brender from Basho to discuss OSCON and developer culture in the …
Team Register, 29 Jul 2015
A member of Vulture Central poses in the SPB Equation t-shirt

NEW, LOVELY, UNTOUCHED - a second EARTH waiting across the stars

QuoTW Frankly the rest of the quotes this week are a bit overshadowed by the one from NASA saying that "the nearest thing yet" to the discovery of a second known Earth-like habitable world has been made. This week also brought some embarassed philanderers, Amiga celebrated its 30th birthday and we were given a look at the inner …
Team Register, 26 Jul 2015

MEGABOFFIN Stephen Hawking to rattle off answers online for MORE THAN A WEEK

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking will be, as of Monday, answering questions posted on Reddit for more than a week. It will apparently be the longest AMA (Ask Me Anything) session in the history of the freeloading commentblurt site, which will no doubt appreciate the publicity boost from Hawking after a tough month for the …
Team Register, 25 Jul 2015

Intel promises 'scores' of deals to underpin enterprise cloud

Intel has decided the cloud isn’t quite built for the needs of enterprises, and has promised to strike “scores” of collaborations and investments to solidify a Software Defined Infrastructure that will redress the balance. The chip giant reckons that consumer adoption accounts for around 75 per cent of cloud usage, while “ …
Team Register, 24 Jul 2015

Microsoft launches Advanced Threat Analytics

Microsoft's Advanced Threat Analytics is going general-availability next month, so – as Redmond says – enterprises can more quickly spot intruders in their networks. Since the last preview version, ATA engineering head Idan Plotnik says the framework has 13 new features to make it more scalable, with improved threat detection …
Team Register, 23 Jul 2015
Tesla's big saloon out-performs sports cars

Speaking in Tech: Some douchebag put a bike rack on Tesla's new motor

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is back from Thailand while Sarah is out for tea. Ed and Greg discuss Thailand, OSCON, Kubernetes and OpenStack. Our special guest this week is Fred Nix from EMC. This week we discuss... (1:00) Ed …
Team Register, 22 Jul 2015
Bond tries to decipher is tailor

British spooks wave through Samsung S6 mobes for UK govt bods

Samsung's new handsets have been given the seal of approval from the information assurance arm of Britain's intelligence agency. The South Korean tech multinational reckoned that the certification was the first of its kind to be dished out to a mobile vendor in Blighty. Samsung's Galaxy S6 and S6 edge models were granted the …
Team Register, 20 Jul 2015
register logo

Strategy: Key to success or a set of MBA-made handcuffs

Reg Roundtable Try to steer a technology organisation in the absence of a strategy and you will be buffeted by the waves, until your organisation finally goes down with all hands. Or so most strategy consultants would have you believe. At the same time, an overly rigid strategy can soon become a dead weight, crushing your ability to innovate …
Team Register, 20 Jul 2015

What makes our planet's clouds? Tiny INVISIBLE CREATURES. True story

How are clouds formed on Earth? If you didn't answer "tiny marine organisms floating in the sea, perhaps better known as one of the main foods consumed by blue whales," then you were wrong. Boffins at the University of Washington (UoW) and the Pacific Northwest National Laboratory believe that microscopic organisms drifting in …
Team Register, 19 Jul 2015
Old beardy man thinking. Pic: Henadz via Flickr

'It's better to burn out, than to fade away on worst audio in history'

QuoTW It's been a week of petite planets, weird Windows and hacked hospitals. So, without further ado, let's get on to the quotes of the week: With its sales decidedly in the toilet, AMD boss Lisa Su admitted that, yeah, the chipmaker should probably try to knock a few bucks off its budget. Su made the following suggestion: The …
Team Register, 19 Jul 2015

Microsoft attaches Xbox stream bait to Windows 10 hook

Microsoft, determined to do all it can to get and keep people on its newest operating system (Windows 10, in case you've been buried alive for the past year or so) has turned on Xbox streaming for its users. The company said late on Friday that game streaming was being switched on for all Xbox One owners with a Windows 10 PC …
Team Register, 18 Jul 2015

Farmer mooved after reunion with two-year fugitive cow

A fugitive cow has been reunited with her deeply mooved farmer after two years on the run, and occasionally the hoof. The day after her farmer brought Matylda home she escaped from her field in Western Poland, reported AP. Upset with her surroundings, the heifer hoofed it after a fairly brief sojourn. Her owner, Leszek Zasada …
Team Register, 17 Jul 2015