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Origins of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE fished out of SCOTTISH LAKE

Primitive, lake-dwelling armoured fish "invented" internal fertilisation and copulation 385 million years ago in Scotland, a top palaeontologist has found. According to Professor John Long at Flinders University in Australia, the discovery is big news for the evolutionary history of sexual reproduction. Male fossils expertly …
Team Register, 19 Oct 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

Slabba-dabba-GOLD! Apple kicks off presales of fingerprint-loving iPads

Fanbois can now pre-order Apple's iPad Air 2 and iPad Mini 3 online, after the company unveiled its latest fondleslabs on Thursday. Depending on the spec of the latest iPads, customers can expect to wait anything between two and six working days before the devices are shipped, according to the UK version of Apple's online store …
Team Register, 18 Oct 2014

The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event

LiveBlurt It's just the most exciting sort of news there is: the Apple launch had the world a-jism all through yesterday UK time, before its entirely predictable events had even begun to unfold. Obviously it would be madness to simply wait until the announcement and then mention anything which was actually new in the form of a brief …
Team Register, 16 Oct 2014
An estate agent hands keys to a couple after house sale. Photo by Shutterstock

Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy

A down-under record has been achieved as an enterprising Australian seller has succeeded in obtaining no less than OZ$140k for a much-loved pussy. The feline in question, named "Tiffany", was apparently so desirable to the buyer of a $2m house on the Antipodean subcontinent that an extra $140k was added to the price on condition …
Team Register, 16 Oct 2014
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella

Speaking in Tech: Hey Satya. Have YOU relied on karma in YOUR career?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of The Reg's best and only weekly podcast – with your hosts Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week it's just the three amigos stirring it up, discussing what seems to be trend in the industry towards corporate breakups and super-mergers …
Team Register, 15 Oct 2014
Qualcomm

Chipzilla of the mobile world Qualcomm wants to slurp Brit vendor CSR... for £1.6bn

UK Bluetooth specialist CSR looks set to wed Qualcomm Inc, after the mobile chip giant said it had agreed to buy the company for £1.6bn ($2.5bn). San Diego-based Qualcomm said that the acquisition would allow it to beef up the firm's Internet of Stuff and car entertainment businesses. The company's chief Steve Mollenkopf said …
Team Register, 15 Oct 2014
David and Goliath in the Valley of Elah

AndroidScript returns to Google Play Store: Ad giant YIELDS TO THE MIGHT OF EL REG

Hurrah! It woz the Reg wot won it ... An educational app used by thousands of young science, technology, engineering and maths students is set to be reinstated by Google, just one day after we revealed that it had been yanked without warning from the company's Play Store. Dave Smart, the creator behind AndroidScript, got in …
Team Register, 10 Oct 2014
Spam image

You can ring my #bellogate. EMAIL STORM hits 29,000 hapless UCL students

Sysadmins at the University College London (UCL) are battling an email storm after spam messages were sent to nearly 29,000 people on an all-student mailing list. The uni's IT director Mike Cope apologised for the blunder, which happened overnight. UCL students woke up to find spam messages clogging up their university email …
Team Register, 09 Oct 2014

Speaking in Tech: Startup funding – a little wine, dim lights, et voilà ... seed capital!

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This week, Speaking in Tech regular Greg Knieriemen has fled the country, leaving the ever-capable Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela to host our weekly tech-cast. Today's episode was recorded at Spiceworld with special guests Scott Abel, co-founder and CEO of Spiceworks, and David …
Team Register, 08 Oct 2014

Steve Jobs makes world a better place FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

Apple chief Tim Cook sent an email to staffers on Friday, in which he reminded them all of the greatness of Steve Jobs – who has been dead three years today. It comes after Google's executive chairman Eric Schmidt took a swipe at the fruity führer on Thursday for supposedly getting it wrong about the ad and search giant's …
Team Register, 05 Oct 2014

Air-slurping solar battery will slice energy costs – boffins

Scientists have cooked up a patent-pending hybrid device that combines a solar cell with a rechargeable battery for the very first time. The solar battery was invented by boffins at the Ohio State University, who used a titanium gauze permeable mesh solar panel, which they say was key to the success of the entire US department …
Team Register, 04 Oct 2014

Apple to unveil new iPads, iMacs and OS X Yosemite on 16 October, claim sources

Apple's boss Tim Cook still has a number of iThings up his sleeve with Cupertino expected to reveal new iPads, iMacs and OS X Yosemite on 16 October. Anonymous sources told Re/code that the event would take place at the fruity firm's Town Hall Auditorium. It comes, after Apple unleashed its iWatches and iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 …
Team Register, 04 Oct 2014
GoPro 4 black

Best Buy preps for a Hero4 welcome just in time for Christmas

US retail giant Best Buy is anticipating bumper sales of GoPro's Hero4 products, which are set for release on Sunday. Best Buy has tripled the amount of space GoPro gizmos take up in 500 of its stores, according to the Associated Press, so as it can start promoting the video camera maker's latest product line in the run up to …
Team Register, 04 Oct 2014
Reddit on KitKat 4.4

Reddit trousers $50m to splash on ads, mobile and cash-generating staffers

Reddit has announced that it has managed to raise $50m in funding, which it plans to use to hire more staff, improve its mobile offering and, of course, make its ads better. The risqué blog also plans to give something back to the community of users, the ones who bring all the eyeballs to the site with their frequently …
Team Register, 01 Oct 2014
three amigos movie poster + three speaking in tech podcast hosts: Greg Kniereman, Sarah Vela, Ed Saiptech

Speaking in Tech: HP-EMC merger 'redonkulous' says EMC man Chad Sakac

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Join Greg Knieriemen and Ed Saipetch, hosts of our weekly techcast, with their guest Chad Sakac, senior vice president of Global Systems Engineering at EMC, to chew on the HP-EMC merger rumours, talk about avoiding Oracle OpenWorld (and accompanying drunken brawls), look at …
Team Register, 01 Oct 2014

Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS

A major electronics company in Japan has developed a team of robot cheerleaders which are designed to seat themselves atop balls and carry out vigorous coordinated manoeuvres, thus: “We developed the Murata Cheerleaders to demonstrate our electronics technologies,” enthuses Koichi Yoshikawa, Senior Manager of Corporate …
Team Register, 29 Sep 2014

BENDY iPhone 6, you say? Pah, warp claims are bent out of shape: Consumer Reports

Apple's iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus mobes do not bend out of shape quite as easily as was claimed by bloggers earlier this week, according - that is - to a more rigorous test carried out by Consumer Reports. The US product reviews outfit used its lab equipment to see if there were obvious design weaknesses in Apple's anodised …
Team Register, 28 Sep 2014
Bug bounties

SMASH the Bash bug! Apple and Red Hat scramble for patch batches

A fresh dump of Shellshock patches were released on Friday night in the latest move to stamp out the Bash shell security vuln that has the potential to blight millions of Linux, Unix and Mac OS X machines. Red Hat said in a blog post that the threat from Shellshock was receding now that patches had been issued for most operating …
Team Register, 28 Sep 2014

That glass of water you just drank? It was OLDER than the SUN

Scientists believe that a "significant fraction" of water molecules found on this planet are older than Earth, the solar system and even the Sun. According to new research led by astro boffin Ilse Cleeves at the University of Michigan, a "significant fraction" of the big drink was created more than 4.5 billion years ago. The …
Team Register, 27 Sep 2014

Japanese volcano eruption reportedly leaves 31 people presumed dead

Updated A volcano eruption in Japan earlier today reportedly left 250 people stranded on the mountain, while eight others were understood to have been seriously injured. According to Reuters, which cited TV broadcaster NHK, a witness to the natural disaster said: "It was like thunder." She added: "I heard boom, boom, then everything …
Team Register, 27 Sep 2014

Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER

Being a fat teenager is not pleasant. Your school chums will bully you, adults and kids will fat-shame you and you’ll live in a perpetual nightmare of sweaty guilt and impotent rage, punctuated by periodic beatings and ritual humiliation. And to make things even worse, you’ll earn less than everyone else when you grow up. …
Team Register, 25 Sep 2014

Speaking in Tech: I swear I didn't fall for the iPhone 6 microwave charger hoax...

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela… except this week, the show gets hijacked by The Geek Whisperers crew - John Troyer, Amy Lewis and Matt Brender - at SpiceWorld in Austin, Texas. No, it's not a Spice Girls reunion. This week we discuss... Mutiny on the …
Team Register, 24 Sep 2014
Rotten apple

Apple's iPhone 6 first-day sales are MEANINGLESS, mutters analyst

Record iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus sales trumpeted by Apple reveal very little about demand, says an analyst, this is because of the limited supplies of the mobes provided to stores in the initial few days. That's the conclusion of Barclay's Ben Reitzes, who said that while "response to the launch has been stronger than expected …
Team Register, 21 Sep 2014
By Luke Ford  http://www.lukeford.net/Images/photos4/071209/214.htm  Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5/deed.en

'Kim Kardashian snaps naked selfies with a BLACKBERRY'. *Twitterati gasps*

A new round of what appear to be private, naked photos of female celebrities including US television reality star Kim Kardashian have apparently been leaked online. The latest stash of pics, which seemed to include two naked selfies taken by Kardashian with a Blackberry handset, were easily accessible on Twitter late on Saturday …
Team Register, 21 Sep 2014

Microsoft delays Xbox One launch... Big Trouble in Big China?

Microsoft pushed back the release of its Xbox One console in China to the end of 2014 on Sunday, without explaining why the launch of its product in the People's Republic had been delayed. The Indian launch is expected to take place tonight. GeekWire reported that Redmond needed "a bit more time to deliver the best experiences …
Team Register, 21 Sep 2014

Bargain basement iPhone shoppers BEWARE! eBay exposes users to phishing vuln

eBay bans the use of cross-site scripting on the online tat bazaar because it can open up the site's users to nasty phishing vulnerabilities. And yet, according to the BBC, some auction listings have been exposed to the exploit since February this year. Some users hunting for old iPhones could have been caught up in the security …
Team Register, 21 Sep 2014

Ex-basketball star CUFFED on suspicion of stealing Apple gear worth $14k

An erstwhile NBA star was reportedly manacled by police in Arizona on Friday, after being accused of stealing $14,000 worth of gear during separate visits to an Apple store in the US. Ex-basketball player Rex Chapman, 46, who was a member of the Phoenix Suns team, allegedly nicked the goods using the self checkout as a cover at …
Team Register, 20 Sep 2014
Bored girl

Speaking in Tech: 'I'm an Apple guy and I COULD CARE LESS about the iWatch'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed has escaped to Thailand while Greg and Sarah are joined by special guests Marc Farley of Quaddra Software and Aaron Delp of SolidFire. This week we discuss... Eddie: One Night in Bangkok (:55) OpenStack …
Team Register, 17 Sep 2014

PLEASE STOP with the snooping requests, begs Google as gov data demands skyrocket

Worldwide government requests for access to Google's user data leapt by 15 per cent in the last six months, the ad giant said in its latest "Transparency Report" published on Monday. The company added that the demands from national authorities had ballooned 150 per cent since Google first made details of the requests public in …
Team Register, 16 Sep 2014
android tongue

Bloat-free, unlocked Moto X to be dubbed 'Pure Edition', says report

Motorola has reportedly named its yet to be released bloat-free, unlocked Moto X the "Pure Edition". According to the Verge, the handset maker is planning to ship the unbranded version of its Moto X model later this month. Some readers might struggle with the concept of "pure", though, given that the device runs on Android. …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2014
Our playmonaut tries out a jetpack, watched by a circling vulture

DARPA-backed jetpack prototype built to make soldiers run faster

Vid Students are working on a test build of a wearable jetpack that could help soldiers run faster on the field of combat. The project dubbed 4MM, or 4 Minute Mile, has been backed by the US defence agency DARPA. It was dreamed up by Arizona State University faculty mentor Jason Kerestes, who built a prototype of the jetpack. He …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2014
Picard Facepalm

General Motors issues STOP DELIVERY for 2,800 corvettes over defects in 2015 model

General Motors has been forced to recall nearly 3,000 Chevrolet Corvettes, after the giant US car manufacturer said that the vehicles may have air bag defects or brake faults. According to Auto News, around 2,000 corvettes are said to have serious problems with the driver's air bags that could come loose from their steering …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2014
Illustration of an atom

The sound of silence: One excited atom is so quiet that the human ear cannot detect it

Boffins believe they have successfully demonstrated the sound a single atom makes when excited - even though it is completely inaudible to the human ear. The researchers at the University of Columbia and Sweden's Chalmers University of Technology "captured" the very soft sound, according to a paper published in Science journal …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2014
Tim Cook as Miss Havisham

Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched

Despite Apple cofounder Steve Jobs being dead nearly three years now, current Apple CEO Tim Cook has left Jobs' fourth-floor office at Apple untouched since his passing, a new interview has revealed. Cook made the revelation during a wide-ranging talk with broadcaster Charlie Rose that will air on the PBS TV network in the US …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2014

Go home Google, you're drunk! Desktop Maps says The Shard's TWO MILES from actual loc

Anyone searching for directions to The Shard on the desktop version of Google Maps may be surprised to discover that the pointy, glassy London skyscraper is apparently plonked in the middle of one of the capital's best-known landmarks, Trafalgar Square. Eagle-eyed reader Pete Jones spotted the mapping blunder and tipped off The …
Team Register, 11 Sep 2014
Apple iPhone 6

Speaking in Tech: On iPhone 6 - 'If you make big-*ss phones, you'd better make 'em usable'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's the Apple iGasm edition. Join Greg Knieriemen and Ed Saipetch, hosts of our weekly techcast, with their guest Joe Onisick, technical marketing engineer at Cisco to chew on Apple and Cisco's ACI and troubling questions including "Are my hands BIG ENOUGH not to be made to …
Team Register, 10 Sep 2014

Apple's big bang: iPhone 6, ANOTHER iPhone 6 Plus and WATCH OUT

Live tweets + pics After an eternity of hype, Apple has finally confirmed at a bash in Cupertino, California, two new iPhones, a smartwatch and a mobile payment system. The 4.7in iPhone 6 with an A8 processor. $199 for 16GB, $299 for 64GB, and $399 for 128GB, with a two-year contract. The 5.5in iPhone 6 Plus. Costs $100 more. Both mobes out on …
Team Register, 09 Sep 2014
Edward Snowden

Snowden shouldn't be extradited to US if he testifies about NSA spying, says Swiss gov

Master spook blabbermouth Edward Snowden should be granted safe passage to and from Switzerland if he testifies about surveillance, the country's attorney general has reportedly said. Last year, the one-time NSA sysadmin leaked files revealing some of the secret spying tactics of UK and US spooks. Snowden currently has …
Team Register, 08 Sep 2014
Curiosity self-portrait at Rocknest in the Gale Crater

Is there life on Mars? Cloud-gazing Curiosity accused of lacking scientific focus

Mars rover Curiosity recently tweeted having its head in the clouds, which just so happens to serve as a good metaphor for a mission that an independent committee of experts say lacks scientific focus. A Planetary Mission Senior panel reviewed Curiosity's work to date on behalf of US space agency NASA. The rover's escapades on …
Team Register, 07 Sep 2014
Ginger girls. Credit: Eddy Van 3000, Flickr

Speaking in Tech: Uber TRACKS me via GPS? Meh, it's just a taxi

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of El Reg's weekly tech podcast, stuffed with news and views on everything that's happened in our world this week. Join your hosts Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela with special guest (and favourite ginger) Josh Atwell of SolidFire. This week …
Team Register, 04 Sep 2014

It's official: Brit parents want their kids to be just like Steve Bong

Steve Bong is a role model for British parents, who – according to a back-of-the-beermat poll – think a career as a tech entrepreneur would be much more beneficial to their offspring than becoming a vet or a banker, or joining the police. A survey of 2,000 mums and dads with kids under the age of 18, which was commissioned by …
Team Register, 02 Sep 2014
Donuts

Apple reportedly inks deal with American Express for its iPhone payments system

Apple has reportedly agreed to work with American Express on its new iPhone 6 payment system - which is now just nine days away from being unveiled by Cupertino. The latest rumour once again springs from the Re/Code blog, which cites those ever reliable (or not so much) sources familiar with the situation. But there will be …
Team Register, 31 Aug 2014
Sad Anonymous

GCHQ protesters stick it to British spooks ... by drinking urine

A number of protesters haranguing UK spies stationed at the country's Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) have taken to apparently drinking human urine to publicise their disgust with the eavesdropping nerve centre's surveillance tactics. A video has been posted online that appears to show activists from the We Are …
Team Register, 31 Aug 2014
Discovery performs its flyaround of the International Space Station as both spacecraft orbit over the Sahara Desert. Pic: NASA TV

Discovery BATTLED 2-foot-long WEE ICICLE on first mission - 30 years ago today

Today marks 30 years since the Discovery shuttle set off on the first of its 39 missions into space. The spacetruck lugged three communication satellites on its inaugural adventure. It went on to fly to space more than any other craft, and - by the time of its retirement in 2011 - had carried more crew members to orbit than any …
Team Register, 30 Aug 2014
Alienware's Area 51 system uses the new Haswell processors

Alienware injects EVEN MORE ALIEN into redesigned Area-51 gaming PC

Pics Alienware has spent five years honing its Area-51 gaming PC, and - in the process - has sexed up the beast with a menacing-looking new "triad chassis" design. The company said it had chosen the unusual and frankly intimidating shape (the inspiration may just have come from Hollywood: perhaps the movie Batman: The Dark Knight …
Team Register, 30 Aug 2014

Speaking in Tech: Live from VMworld

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This week's episode is brought to you live from VMworld in San Francisco by regular podcaster Sarah Vela with guest co-host Vaughn Stewart, chief technology evangelist of Pure Storage. They are joined by guests David Siles, VP of channels and alliances at Data Gravity and " …
Team Register, 27 Aug 2014
Angry old man

Office space outfit Regus suffers 'UK-wide' network outage

Updated Regus has coughed to what appears to be a major network outage affecting its UK-based customers, but the company is yet to explain what has gone wrong. One Register reader told us that his IT services firm, which runs from a Regus-serviced office that provides internet access, has been offline since mid-morning today. Anecdotal …
Team Register, 27 Aug 2014

AMD unveils 'single purpose' graphics card for PC gamers and NO ONE else

Chip giant AMD took the wraps off the latest in a series of graphic cards on Saturday when it revealed the Radeon R9 285, which it claims is speedier than rival Nvidia GTX 760. The company revealed its new card at its "30 Years of Gaming and Graphics" shindig yesterday. AMD said that the Radeon R9 will be released on 2 …
Team Register, 24 Aug 2014

Primetime precrime? Minority Report TV series 'being developed'

Steven Spielberg is reportedly working on a Minority Report TV series. The director of the 2002 sci-fi movie starring diminutive Hollywood actor Tom Cruise is understood to be developing the drama with Godzilla writer Max Borenstein, according to reports on The Wrap and Deadline. Amblin Television is said to be "in the very …
Team Register, 22 Aug 2014

Hi-ho EVO: VMware eyes TWO new hardware-flavored trademarks

VMworld 2014 VMware applied for two more hardware-related trademarks this month, it has emerged. One application is for “EVO”, described as “Computer hardware and software for virtualization; computer hardware and software enabling users to manage virtual computing resources that include networking.” A second application, “EVO: RAIL”, is …
Team Register, 20 Aug 2014