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Chechen women swindle ISIS via social media: 'We need roubles to join you xx'

Chechen rozzers have reportedly arrested a trio of jihadi-baiting women who flirted with ISIS fighters online before conning them out of money they sent to pay for a non-existent rendezvous in Syria. Terrorists pledging allegiance to the self-declared caliphate – almost as contentious in name as deed – have made a concerted …
Team Register, 04 Aug 2015
lottery

Lottery chief resigns as winning combo numbers appear on screen BEFORE being drawn

Aleksandar Vulovic, czar of the Serbian state lottery, has resigned from his position after winning numbers were mysteriously broadcast on television before they had been drawn. Allegations of fraud abound on every hand following the incident, reports the Associated Press. In what was presented to the public as a live …
Team Register, 03 Aug 2015
Tom Selleck in Magnum PI

'How can HP have a dress code if I'm wearing this wacky hat?'

QuoTW We wrap up July with a week of Windows updates, camera controversy and an end to Internet Explorer. These were some of our favourite quips: HP Enterprise wanted everyone to know that, despite managers telling some engineers to smarten up for the office, it doesn't have a "global" corporate dress code, least not now anyway. To …
Team Register, 01 Aug 2015
The Incredible Shrinking Man

Buffoon in 999 call: 'Cat ate my bacon and I want to press charges'

The West Yorkshire fuzz have released recordings of nuisance calls requesting a cat be arrested for eating a man's bacon and a complaint about a noisy washing machine, as well as a request to identify the actor in Magnum PI*. As reported by the Yorkshire Post, a man rang the police to complain about his girlfriend's cat eating …
Team Register, 31 Jul 2015
Long exposure shot showing patterns made my moving lightsabers

This is TRUE science: Harvard boffins fire up sizzling BACON LASER

A team of Harvard scientists has paved the way for a deadly laser pig weapon by demonstrating that, with a little encouragement, pig fat cells can be made to lase. According to MIT Technology Review, Seok Hyun Yun and Matjaž Humar stimulated spheres of fat inside porcine cells with an optical fibre, causing them to emit laser …
Team Register, 30 Jul 2015
HMRC photo, Gov.uk

Contractors who used Employee Beneficiary Trusts are in HMRC's sights

The British Government closed a window of opportunity for tax-efficient folk about a year ago that was beneficial to, and widely used by, contractors: the Employee Beneficiary Trust. Only now, though, has HMRC begun chasing those who had employed this shelter. A demand for money on income generated five years ago dropped …
Team Register, 30 Jul 2015
Google Cloud logo

Speaking in Tech: Google's snapped – it's gone native in the cloud

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed, Sarah and Greg review how Google's going cloud native, Cisco shuts down Whiptail and dress codes at HP. Our special guest this week is Matt Brender from Basho to discuss OSCON and developer culture in the …
Team Register, 29 Jul 2015
A member of Vulture Central poses in the SPB Equation t-shirt

NEW, LOVELY, UNTOUCHED - a second EARTH waiting across the stars

QuoTW Frankly the rest of the quotes this week are a bit overshadowed by the one from NASA saying that "the nearest thing yet" to the discovery of a second known Earth-like habitable world has been made. This week also brought some embarassed philanderers, Amiga celebrated its 30th birthday and we were given a look at the inner …
Team Register, 26 Jul 2015

MEGABOFFIN Stephen Hawking to rattle off answers online for MORE THAN A WEEK

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking will be, as of Monday, answering questions posted on Reddit for more than a week. It will apparently be the longest AMA (Ask Me Anything) session in the history of the freeloading commentblurt site, which will no doubt appreciate the publicity boost from Hawking after a tough month for the …
Team Register, 25 Jul 2015
OpenStack

Intel promises 'scores' of deals to underpin enterprise cloud

Intel has decided the cloud isn’t quite built for the needs of enterprises, and has promised to strike “scores” of collaborations and investments to solidify a Software Defined Infrastructure that will redress the balance. The chip giant reckons that consumer adoption accounts for around 75 per cent of cloud usage, while “ …
Team Register, 24 Jul 2015

Microsoft launches Advanced Threat Analytics

Microsoft's Advanced Threat Analytics is going general-availability next month, so – as Redmond says – enterprises can more quickly spot intruders in their networks. Since the last preview version, ATA engineering head Idan Plotnik says the framework has 13 new features to make it more scalable, with improved threat detection …
Team Register, 23 Jul 2015
Tesla's big saloon out-performs sports cars

Speaking in Tech: Some douchebag put a bike rack on Tesla's new motor

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is back from Thailand while Sarah is out for tea. Ed and Greg discuss Thailand, OSCON, Kubernetes and OpenStack. Our special guest this week is Fred Nix from EMC. This week we discuss... (1:00) Ed …
Team Register, 22 Jul 2015
Bond tries to decipher is tailor

British spooks wave through Samsung S6 mobes for UK govt bods

Samsung's new handsets have been given the seal of approval from the information assurance arm of Britain's intelligence agency. The South Korean tech multinational reckoned that the certification was the first of its kind to be dished out to a mobile vendor in Blighty. Samsung's Galaxy S6 and S6 edge models were granted the …
Team Register, 20 Jul 2015
register logo

Strategy: Key to success or a set of MBA-made handcuffs

Reg Roundtable Try to steer a technology organisation in the absence of a strategy and you will be buffeted by the waves, until your organisation finally goes down with all hands. Or so most strategy consultants would have you believe. At the same time, an overly rigid strategy can soon become a dead weight, crushing your ability to innovate …
Team Register, 20 Jul 2015

What makes our planet's clouds? Tiny INVISIBLE CREATURES. True story

How are clouds formed on Earth? If you didn't answer "tiny marine organisms floating in the sea, perhaps better known as one of the main foods consumed by blue whales," then you were wrong. Boffins at the University of Washington (UoW) and the Pacific Northwest National Laboratory believe that microscopic organisms drifting in …
Team Register, 19 Jul 2015
Old beardy man thinking. Pic: Henadz via Flickr

'It's better to burn out, than to fade away on worst audio in history'

QuoTW It's been a week of petite planets, weird Windows and hacked hospitals. So, without further ado, let's get on to the quotes of the week: With its sales decidedly in the toilet, AMD boss Lisa Su admitted that, yeah, the chipmaker should probably try to knock a few bucks off its budget. Su made the following suggestion: The …
Team Register, 19 Jul 2015

Microsoft attaches Xbox stream bait to Windows 10 hook

Microsoft, determined to do all it can to get and keep people on its newest operating system (Windows 10, in case you've been buried alive for the past year or so) has turned on Xbox streaming for its users. The company said late on Friday that game streaming was being switched on for all Xbox One owners with a Windows 10 PC …
Team Register, 18 Jul 2015

Farmer mooved after reunion with two-year fugitive cow

A fugitive cow has been reunited with her deeply mooved farmer after two years on the run, and occasionally the hoof. The day after her farmer brought Matylda home she escaped from her field in Western Poland, reported AP. Upset with her surroundings, the heifer hoofed it after a fairly brief sojourn. Her owner, Leszek Zasada …
Team Register, 17 Jul 2015

Dotcom's file-sharing hive Mega 'sues for copyright infringement'

A company founded by Kim Dotcom, the file-sharing website kingpin who is accused of mass copyright infringement, is reportedly suing another biz for ... copyright infringement. Cloud storage website Mega.co.nz has apparently fired legal threats at MegaSearch.co.nz, a website that lists links to downloads of unlicensed material …
Team Register, 15 Jul 2015
Train wreck

Speaking in Tech: Reddit makes a train wreck even worse

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is flying back from Thailand (or possibly tweeting from the airport, after a dreamy Dreamliner trip), while Sarah and Greg dish on Micron (could the field now be open to Intel after China's interest), …
Team Register, 15 Jul 2015

Salesforce unleashes red-tape-as-a-service for regulation-heavy users

Salesforce has launched its slightly-more-secure-software-as-a-service for organisations in industries compelled to wrap themselves in red tape. The Salesforce1 service, dubbed "Shield", offers encryption, monitoring, and archiving for the platform's apps. Salesforce says the platform includes field audit trail, platform …
Team Register, 15 Jul 2015

Asimov's ghost! Oil and gas rigs could be taken over by robots

The European Space Agency has announced that a robot, building upon its ExoMars Rover, is bidding to win a place on oil and gas production rigs around the world, to work in remote and hazardous environments. Oil and gas giant Total's Autonomous Robot for Gas and Oil Sites (Argos) Challenge is a three-year competition to …
Team Register, 13 Jul 2015
CC, commercial use allowed: "Photograph by Christopher Michel - (https://flic.kr/p/tVNkZj)"

'Ugly Reddit commentards made me doubt humanity'

QuoTW This was the week of Linux desktops, 3D-printed combustive robot bums and massive data leaks. Again. Time for some of our favourite quips, scoffs and gibes of the past week: US Office of Personnel Management (OPM) boss Katherine Archuleta has decided that losing the private info of 25 million people is quite enough for one …
Team Register, 12 Jul 2015

Twitter's Vine creeps into HD-quality vid – but it's not really for YOU, chump

Twitter has updated its snappy video-sharing app Vine with an HD-quality option for Apple iOS users. The company said in a short blog post that fanbois could now view the vids in HD simply by adjusting a setting via the "Your Content" menu on a user's profile page. Undoubtedly, the latest tweak to the six-second video service …
Team Register, 11 Jul 2015

A quarter of public sector IT workers have never used the cloud

Almost a quarter of UK public sector IT workers are convinced they’ve never actually used the cloud, leaving a big fluffy question mark over Whitehall’s efforts to drag its technology estate into the 21st century. Research, conducted for collaboration software specialist Huddle, also showed that workers in central and local …
Team Register, 09 Jul 2015
Cassini image of Saturn taken on 10 October 2013. Pic: NASA

Speaking in Tech: It's cold outside, so NASA starts a fire in Spaaace

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is in Thailand while Sarah and Greg talk cloud taxes (whacking a nine per cent charge on the value chain), hacking the hackers (you'd think their p4ssw0rds would be better), hitching a ride with Google ( …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015

Norks execute underperforming terrapin farm manager

North Korea has executed the manager of an underperforming terrapin farm, following a "field guidance tour" of the site by Kim Jong-un. According to Daily NK, the chubby despot rolled up at the facility on the Taedong River in Pyongyang back in May (see pic, below), to find "some of the tanks were not adequately supplied with …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015
Star Wars: Battlefront

Han Solo to get solo prequel flick in 2018, helmed by LEGO men

Disney's plans to shamelessly cash in on tell more and richer stories from the Star Wars universe will result in a solo Han Solo film in 2018. Starwars.com reports that the as-yet-un-named entertainment will be helmed by Christopher Miller and Phil Lord, the duo responsible for The LEGO Movie, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015
milliways_the_restaurant_at_the_end_of_the_universe_648

Sony phone chief vows to keep losing money forever and ever

Sony's phone boss has vowed to stay in the mobile business until the heat death of the universe – despite losses that have dragged the rest of the Japanese giant down. Sony handsets lost almost ¥200bn ($1.63bn, £1bn) last year, while almost all of the rest of Sony made money. Nevertheless, Sony Mobile's latest president, …
Team Register, 07 Jul 2015
Toilet roll printed with fake US $100 bills

Private companies fall behind in cloud spending race

Spending on cloud infrastructure will take an increasing share of customer dollars over the next five years, with public cloud providers outspending their private cloud counterparts. IDC has reported that total worldwide cloud IT infrastructure spending will hit $33.4bn this year, a 26.4 per cent increase on the year. This …
Team Register, 07 Jul 2015

Canuck chump cuffed over helium balloon flying chair stunt

A high-flying Canuck was cuffed over the weekend after overflying the Calgary Stampede in a lawn chair suspended beneath 120 helium-filled balloons. All Clean Natural Balloon Stunt!!! Daniel Boria had planned to skydive into the rodeo extravaganza as a publicity stunt for his company All Clean Natural. With his $20 chair …
Team Register, 07 Jul 2015
Carnival dancers in Brazil

'Facebook without sin' attracts 0.00006 times as many users as Facebook

News bytes A social networking website built in Brazil is touting itself as a sin-free version of Facebook. Dubbed Facegloria, the Portuguese-language site prides itself on Christian values to connect users. The site vows to terminate users who offend "morals and good manners." According to BBC News, Facegloria has attracted 100,000 …
Team Register, 06 Jul 2015
Google Cardboard VR

Google's Cardboard cutout VR headgear given away GRATIS by OnePlus ... SELLS OUT

Google's VR face goggles, dubbed Cardboard, were being given away for free, plus shipping by OnePlus. Until – that is – the smartphone maker sold out of the devices. The marketing stunt appeared to have paid off for the Chinese firm, at least in shipment fees ($5 a pop) and publicity. OnePlus was offering a modified version …
Team Register, 04 Jul 2015
'Rare SNES' found in box of junk. Image credit: DanDiebold, imgur

Did a SUPER RARE Sony-Nintendo PlayStation prototype just pop up online? Possibly, maybe

Vid A precious prototype of what appears to be a Nintendo-Sony Playstation has been paraded online, after the console was discovered languishing in a "box of junk". Youtube Video Dan Diebold uploaded some pictures of the supposed SNES to imgur and said: "My dad worked for a company, apparently one of the guys he used to work …
Team Register, 04 Jul 2015
The northern giant mouse lemur and its improbably large testicles. Pic: Melanie Seiler

Biologists gasp at lemur's improbably colossal bollocks

Scientists are marvelling at a lemur with testicles so large that were a human chap to carry equivalent plums in his trouser department, they'd be the size of a couple of grapefruit. The average male northern giant mouse lemur (Mirza zaza) tips the scales at just 280g, but has "an average testes volume of 15.48 cubic centimetres …
Team Register, 03 Jul 2015

Rampaging fox terrorises rural sports club, victim sustains ‘tweaked groin’

Shaken members of a Cambridgeshire sports club have recounted a terrifying ordeal at the jaws of a rampaging fox. According to an entertaining BBC report, the victims were confronted by the "vicious" creature as they attempted to leave Alconbury Sports and Social Club last Saturday night. In the ensuing panic, chairman Bruce …
Team Register, 03 Jul 2015
container_ship_hamburg_shutterstock_648

Speaking in Tech: Just slacking off and keeping things contained

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Sarah is on vacation while Eddie and Greg slack it off on Sheryl Sandberg, API copyrights and containers. Our special guest this week is Chad Sakac, president, global systems engineering, EMC. This week we …
Team Register, 01 Jul 2015
finger pushing first in set of dominos

Apple workforce touch up iPhones with Force Touch tech – report

Apple has reportedly started using its so-called Force Touch technology in new models of its iPhone handsets, which have apparently now hit the production line. According to Bloomberg, Cupertino's upcoming iPhones will be kitted out with touch-sensing haptic displays that push back on your fingertips if the pressure is too hard …
Team Register, 28 Jun 2015
Mounties

'Please, choose to be a good citizen and DON’T ask Siri about 9/11'

QuoTW This week saw Microsoft sharpen the knives while GM showed off an incredibly ugly car and Samsung borked a few notebooks. Here are the best quips we picked up along the way. Outsourcing house of horrors Capita recently made 700 UK workers redundant. Turns out, they might be the lucky ones, if our story is any indication. The …
Team Register, 28 Jun 2015

Speaking in Tech: Apple crumbles to Taylor Swift. Let the disruption begin

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, the crew talk about antagonising construction workers in Seattle (they don’t like the Village People’s ‘YMCA’, apparently) the Open Container Project (container burnout, and who’s going to acquire whom, and …
Team Register, 24 Jun 2015

DEATH by VEGETABLES: Woman charged with killing boyf using carrots. And peas

A woman in California allegedly killed her boyfriend using mixed veg, according to local news reports. According to NBCLA, a local prosecutor states that Linda Clarene Jackson, 59, of Lake Los Angeles, allegedly attacked her 59-year-old boyfriend, David Ruiz, while he was in her house. The local TV station reported further that …
Team Register, 23 Jun 2015

Anakin Skywalker chased by cops, crashes podracer into tree

Anakin Skywalker – legally known as Jake Lloyd – has been arrested after a high-speed police chase concluded when his vehicle ploughed into a tree. Lloyd, 26, was arrested for reckless driving, failure to stop, resisting arrest and driving without a licence in Charleston, South Carolina. According to the sheriff's deputies, …
Team Register, 22 Jun 2015
Apple iMac 27-inch with Retina Display

Apple to replace DODGY hard drives that go BELLY UP in 27-inch iMac

Apple has kicked off a replacement program for faulty hard drives in some of its 27-inch iMac computers. Cupertino confirmed on Friday that an unknown number of systems sold between December 2012 and September 2013 were affected by the flaw. It said: "Apple has determined that a very small number of 3TB hard drives used in 27- …
Team Register, 21 Jun 2015

Assange: 'If anyone knows about reckless behaviour, it's me'

QuoTW This week brought with it the death of journalism and the the exit of Stephen Elop from Microsoft. Here's some of the better quotes the week brought us as well: Brendan Eich, noted for the creation of JavaScript, said that he wouldn't mind seeing the standard become a bit easier to work with. He laid out his vision for the …
Team Register, 21 Jun 2015
Cassini snaps Saturn's Dione moon. Image credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/Space Science Institute

Say 'cheese'! Cassini probe ZOOMS IN on Saturn's craggy Dione moon

NASA's Cassini spacecraft has passed tantalisingly close to Saturn's pitted, icy Dione moon. The probe was within 321 miles (516 kilometres) of Dione on 16 June, the US space agency said. Cassini will have an even closer encounter with the moon on 17 August, when it's expected to swoop within 295 miles (474 kilometres) of Dione …
Team Register, 20 Jun 2015
android_money_648

Yep, it's true: Android is the poor man's phone worldwide

Android’s market share globally is closely tied to the spending power of a particular market and it dominates in low-income countries, a survey of real-time usage has confirmed. Android has 92.25 per cent of the Egyptian smartphone market, ranked 120th in GDP per capita, and 88.71 per cent in India, ranked 142nd. By contrast, …
Team Register, 19 Jun 2015
Cloudy sky

Speaking in Tech: LastPass hack was a total HASH, amirite?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Sarah is out while Ed and Greg talk about the LastPass hack, OpenStack training certifications and Facebook privacy concerns in the EU. Our special guest this week is Ashley McNamara, Developer Advocate at …
Team Register, 17 Jun 2015

The insidious danger of the lone wolf control freak sysadmin

Often within teams there is a certain shared camaraderie and level of trust between team members. They chew the fat, have a moan or playful poke at other staff during a day’s work. They cover for each other and stuff usually gets done. At the end of the day, they spend more time with each other than family. Occasionally, however …
Team Register, 17 Jun 2015
Apple Beats headphones

Speaking in Tech: Has Apple ever done music right?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Greg is busy at the Cisco Live event, while Sarah and Ed drive the podcast most admirably. This week they review the Apple Worldwide Developer Conference (nothing much to see here, move along), the Apple Watch …
Team Register, 10 Jun 2015
Register Roundtable at the Soho hotel

Has marketing grabbed the IT reins at your company?

CIO Manifesto IT execs face many threats, but perhaps their biggest nightmare is the prospect of IT strategy being driven by the whims of the marketing department. Yet aligning technology and the...softer business disciplines, could be the key to survival in a world where customers, and suppliers, expect to be hooked into your company as …
Team Register, 09 Jun 2015