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'Can you hear me now? Oh Peeple, you're so mean *sad face*. It's a leftist agenda!'

QuoTW This week we remembered Seymour Cray, memorialised BlackBerry 10 and got a peek at Elon Musk's new baby. So let's take a look at some of the best quotes from the past seven days. It's been a shitty couple of weeks for Volkswagen, thanks to the ballooning emissions scandal. But don't worry, the German car giant's board of …
Team Register, 04 Oct 2015

Mysterious brown spots and a different kind of mouse support

On-Call Welcome once again to On-Call, our regular look at the messes readers find themselves in when asked to go to help out their clients. This week, we've heard from Reg reader Pat, who tells us about the time he responded to a request for tech help from a user who was puzzled by the strange behaviour of a printer. "I was minding …
Team Register, 04 Oct 2015
Pluto and Charon. Credits: NASA/JHUAPL/SwRI

Pluto's moon SPLIT OPEN by ancient FROZEN OCEAN

Pics Yet more pictures of Pluto and its moon have been sent back to Earth from NASA's New Horizons spacecraft – this time indicating a colossal geological upset in Charon's past. The latest spectacular images of the satellite orbiting the remote, icy dwarf planet reveal what NASA boffins have described as "a belt of fractures and …
Team Register, 03 Oct 2015
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CIOs: Tell us about your biggest disaster and how you survived it

Reg roundtable Walt Disney said “a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you”. Well, for all his talents, Walt wasn’t attempting to secure an aging IT system while evolving a vision to “digitalise” his company and secure its future in the long-term. We suspect that’s what many of our senior readers are doing, though, and …
Team Register, 02 Oct 2015

Speaking in Tech: Hello from Spiceworld – no, not THAT Spiceworld

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week Ed and Sarah are in Austin for Spiceworks' annual convention – Spiceworld – where they discuss China, Citrix and selfie deaths, while digging deep into Spiceworks' culture with special guest Scott Abel, former …
Team Register, 30 Sep 2015

Twitter signs Edward Snowden to write for them for free

Former NSA sysadmin Edward Snowden, famed for leaking colossal quantities of secret government information to selected journalists, has decided to supply free content to microblurt advertising platform Twitter. Increasingly comfortable in Russian exile, it seems - while reportedly still seeking asylum elsewhere - the one-time …
Team Register, 30 Sep 2015
By Henrik Ishihara licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.

MACAQUE ATTACK: Monkey plunders Florida resident's box, gobbles contents

"Shortly after 8am," reported Florida's Sanford Police Department (SPD), "we received a call from a Sanford resident who lives in the Hidden Lakes subdivision, reporting that a monkey was eating mail out of a mailbox." The mail-munching macaque caused the neighbourhood to go bananas when someone happened to see her "and …
Team Register, 30 Sep 2015

Marijuana from heaven: Bundle of blow bombs bow-wow's boudoir

A 26lbs bundle of cannabis appeared from the sky and bombed through the roof of a carport in the Arizona town of Nogales. Maya Donnelly heard what she thought was thunder during the night, but later that morning found wood strewn across the ground around a bulky bundle wrapped in black plastic. Therein was the big old chunk …
Team Register, 29 Sep 2015

World panics, children cry, workers sigh ... TITSUP

Updated Bosses cheered worldwide as fell over once again, forcing people to put down their phones, close their private-browsing tabs, and do some work. Yes, even if it is Monday. It appears is completely dead now, apart from a static error page, although it showed some signs of life for a few people earlier. …
Team Register, 28 Sep 2015
Veil Nebula. Image credit: Credits: NASA/ESA/Hubble Heritage Team

Astroboffins snap BREATHTAKING, WISPY Veil Nebula supernova debris

Vid NASA has released spectacular new photos of a massive star's remnants, dubbed Veil Nebula, following an ancient supernova explosion. Boffins captured the images with the Hubble Space Telescope to show off the debris of the gigantic star, which exploded roughly 8,000 years ago when the supernova that created the Veil Nebula …
Team Register, 27 Sep 2015
IBM 5150 PC

Will IT support please come to the ward immediately. Weeeee have a tricky problem

On-Call Welcome once again to On-Call, our regular look at the messes readers find themselves in when asked to go to help out their clients. This week, we've heard from an NHS IT guy who would like to keep his name anonymous. When a support request came in for our reader, it was hard to work out what was going on, we're told, because …
Team Register, 27 Sep 2015
Sonic glasses in Doctor Who – Witch's Familiar. Pic credit: BBC

Devious Davros, tricksy Missy and Dalek Clara delight in The Witch's Familiar

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! Kelly says: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it turns out Clara and Missy escape from the death-by-Dalek shocker in the first episode of this two-parter for the opening of Doctor Who, Season 9. Vortex manipulator For The Win. And the TARDIS is also intact …
Team Register, 26 Sep 2015
South Korean flag. Pic: Republic of Korea

Bribing public officials up to $900 is OK-ish, says South Korean court

South Korean courts are doing the best they can to clean the country of corruption, presumably in the face of their uncorrupt and well-behaved best neighbours to the North. A new law, which will come into effect in November, will see officials who receive a bribe of more than ₩1m ($900) immediately removed from office. The …
Team Register, 25 Sep 2015
Supernova captured by XMM-Newton. Pic: Stefan Immler and Gulab Dewangan and ESA

Nine of the world’s fastest GPU supercomputers

When it comes to groundbreaking innovations in supercomputing over the last decade, there are few shifts that made bigger waves than the introduction of heterogeneous computing. Coupling high-performance host processors with a graphic-processing boost has helped several top-ranked supercomputers achieve performance and energy …
Team Register, 23 Sep 2015

Speaking in Tech: Where would you hide an SEC probe?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week it's a full Speaking in Tech cast as we rigorously investigate AWS outages, probe cars and castigate bad executives. This week, we check out... (1:00) Sarah’s big game show moment (3:00) Lenovo Yoga Tablet …
Team Register, 23 Sep 2015

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Team Register, 22 Sep 2015
Asleep on the sofa image via Shutterstock

Things you should know about the hard work of home working

Working from home is often seen as the Holy Grail of the IT worker. No more getting up early to get ready for work. No more spending thousands of pounds a year for a season pass only to get squished in a carriage like a sardine. My last office commute was three hours each way. If the option of working from home had been …
Team Register, 22 Sep 2015
Shaun of the Dead

'I may be winning this ad-blocker game, but I hate it. I'm outta here (with $100k). Buh-bye'

QuoTW We do hope you've enjoyed this week of botched Apple updates, unlikely Linux lovers and surprise birthday gifts. Here are our favourite quotes. Bitcoin backers have had a long and contentious relationship with sovereign states, and this week they got some unwanted recognition from the US. The Commodity Futures Trading …
Team Register, 20 Sep 2015
Tree of Life

Boffins crowdsource web for TREE of LIFE. What could possibly go wrong with that?!

A "tree of life", which depicts the relationships of 2.3 million named species on Earth, has been created by biologists. Duke University's Karen Cranston, principal investigator on the project, said: “This is the first real attempt to connect the dots and put it all together. Think of it as Version 1.0.” Researchers from …
Team Register, 20 Sep 2015
Doctor Who, season 9, Episode 1 – The Magician's Apprentice. Pic credit: BBC

Doctor Who storms back in fine form with Season 9 opener The Magician's Apprentice

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! Jennifer says: Last season, Doctor Who came in for some harsh criticism. Many felt it was poorly written, while others laid the blame at the feet of Peter Capaldi. And some of us, including this reviewer, would sooner have chewed off their own …
Team Register, 19 Sep 2015
Huawei Watch

'She said she was just giving me a WRISTJOB but actually she got PREGNANT'

Video footage has revealed a man's relief when the Apple watch his wife gifted him on his birthday turned out to be a positive pregnancy test. The financial stability needed to support a household which uses Apple products often requires the tax-breaks offered to married couples for sustained investment. The costs of raising …
Team Register, 17 Sep 2015
Facepalm by Ron Mander

Schneider patches yet ANOTHER dumb vuln

Schneider Electric has pushed out a patch to an industrial control system which – stop me if you've heard this before – passes credentials between client and server in plain text. CVE-2015-3962 applies to the company's Struxureware Building Expert, prior to version 2.15, and the company has released an update to the system ( …
Team Register, 17 Sep 2015
Skull in an Apple by  CC 2.0 attribution generic

Shedload of security bugs squashed in iOS 9 – what the hell went wrong with iOS 8?

Apple's latest version of iOS – iOS 9 – is out today with new features and security fixes. A lot of security fixes: 101 potentially exploitable bugs, we count. If you've got a compatible device, you may well want to upgrade sooner rather than later – certainly before people start trying to exploit these security holes. The …
Team Register, 16 Sep 2015

US feds save billions through data center consolidation

America's biggest federal agencies carved out $3.6bn in IT cost savings between 2011-2014 - compared with government "cut and reinvest" guidance of $7.6bn and an annual IT budget of $80bn-plus. Data centre consolidation and optimization efforts produced about half the IT procurement savings. The OMB has set out three main …
Team Register, 16 Sep 2015

Speaking in Tech: Oracle – now all your instances are belong to us

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. Sarah's away, so Ed and Greg cover Chicago cloud taxes, Oracle taxes and HP axes. Special guests Garrett Rysko and Luke Pendergrass talk about their Kickstarter campaign, Kaia. This week, we check out... (1:00) …
Team Register, 16 Sep 2015

BAN the ROBOT WHORES, says robot whore expert: 'These AREN'T BARBIES'

An expert has called for a ban on sex robots, saying that their introduction will, in some unspecified way, increase the damage to society caused by prostitution. Chatting with The Register, Dr Kathleen Richardson PhD contended that the possible AI sex droids of the future would strongly contribute to the continuing miserable …
Team Register, 15 Sep 2015

Vodafone turns self in to cops over journo phone records hack

Vodafone's Australian outpost has had a change of heart and will co-operate with local authorities, after it admitted that an employee had trawled through a journalist's text messages and call records. As we reported over the weekend, in 2011 Vodafone Hutchison Australia (VHA) was the subject of media reports suggesting …
Team Register, 15 Sep 2015
pikatchu pokemon

Nintendo plugs new prez into games console giant

Nintendo has promoted its HR exec Tatsumi Kimishima to the role of president. The 65-year-old – who previously worked at the Pokemon Company before joining Nintendo in 2002 – has replaced Satoru Iwata, who died of cancer in July. Kimishima has served as director of Nintendo in America since he joined the games console maker …
Team Register, 14 Sep 2015

TELLY INNN SPAAACE: Nothing to watch on your 4K TV? NASA to the RESCUE

At last, some UHD content to go on that new 4K telly or gadget you bought ages ago: NASA has announced it is launching its own 4K television channel on 1 November. Dubbed NASA TV, the channel will be the first ever non-commercial ultra-high definition (UHD) broadcast in North America, and will be thrown at the …
Team Register, 14 Sep 2015
Continuous Lifecycle London 2016 logo

The Register and heise Launch Continuous Lifecycle Conference in the UK

Reg Events The Register has joined forces with heise to bring the Continuous Lifecycle Conference to the UK, taking over 30 Euston Square from May 3 to 5, 2016. Continuous Lifecycle London brings together the DevOps community’s leading thinkers and most switched on users to discuss the tools, techniques and strategies driving software …
Team Register, 14 Sep 2015
American Bison

PRIMITIVE TOOLS found near MICROSOFT headquarters

Ten thousand years B.G (Before Gates), the primitive, grunting denizens of Redmond were already fashioning crude, unreliable tools, archaeologists say. According to the Seattle Times, more than 4,000 implements were unearthed during recent excavations. Tools including awls, stone flakes and spear points were recovered. The …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2015

'I promise you I will win', says completely sane presidential candidate John McAfee

QuoTW This week new iStuffs were showcased, a scary luggage hack popped up and a gaming icon turned 30. Now for some of the best quotes from the past seven days. America's favourite gun-toting anti-virus tycoon John McAfee has thrown his hat in to the 2016 presidential race. McAfee has made himself the official cyber party …
Team Register, 13 Sep 2015
Doctor Who Peter Davison

Doctor Who returns to our screens next week – so, WHO is the worst Time Lord of them all?

Poll Perhaps 13 is unlucky for some. That is, if you decide that the current Time Lord played by Peter Capaldi – the man who became a household name as shouty, potty-mouthed Malcolm Tucker – is the worst Doctor of all time. And anyway, should one describe the bovver-booted Scot as number 13? After all, John Hurt was known as the …
Team Register, 12 Sep 2015

In brief: Android security updates, FireEye hushes infosec bod, Feds blab UK school IT vuln

Vulture nybbles Google has emitted its first monthly batch of security updates for the latest version of Android – as promised in early August. The web giant vowed to regularly release fixes for vulnerabilities after it was rocked by the Stagefright bug that affected potentially hundreds of millions of devices. The first patch batch is …
Team Register, 12 Sep 2015

Vendors look to flash as big ticket storage slumps in EMEA

High-end storage system sales in EMEA dived in the second quarter, but flash-based systems showed double digit growth, as enterprises latched onto the falling prices for the technology. Overall external storage systems sales were $1.63bn across EMEA in the three months to July 31, according to IDC, an 11 per cent drop on the …
Team Register, 11 Sep 2015

Why did the chicken and CHiPs cross the road? FOWL-UP foiled in Oakland

Why did the chicken cross the road? The owner, Ken Houston, a former Oakland mayoral candidate, has stepped forward and revealed the answer to the Associated Press. The known fugitive chicken (KFC?), which was named Chip, for it was the California Highway Patrol (CHiP) that captured it, escaped from a cardboard box in the back …
Team Register, 11 Sep 2015

Speaking in Tech: Learn baby, learn, it's a Cisco inferno

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we are recovering from VMworld, but that doesn't mean the news from VMware ended there. In this episode we cover Cisco's plans for VMware, EMC rumours and Google's new logo. This week, we investigate... (1: …
Team Register, 09 Sep 2015
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CIOs: What are you forecasting for next year?

Reg Roundtable We all want to know what the future holds and while we could ask analysts, researchers and marketeers, we’d much rather hear what real world tech leaders are planning. That’s why on October 21, The Register Roundtable will be asking: What are real CIOs forecasting for the next year? Vendors and service providers may have a …
Team Register, 09 Sep 2015
Image from Apple's October 23 live-streaming event web page

HERE COMES APPLE with some new sh*t or something

LiveBlurt Holy Crap! It's Apple hypegasm launch day again, and here's your fabulous soaraway Reg with continually updating hot live news-a-like barrelscrape content of some sort delivered via our proprietary LiveBlurt technology to tide you over until the fruitcast actually begins. We're unbelievably excited about this and we know you are …
Team Register, 09 Sep 2015

British killer robot takes out two Britons in Syria strike

Two British citizens fighting for terrorist group ISIS in Syria were killed in an RAF drone strike on 21 August. The Register understands it is the first time British nationals have been targeted and killed in a strike by an RAF Reaper unmanned aerial vehicle. The deceased British passport holders were revealed to be Cardiff- …
Team Register, 07 Sep 2015
motorised magnetometer system at the Stonehenge survey. Pic credit: Stonehenge Hidden Landscapes Project

Huge SUPERHENGE erection found near Blighty's Stonehenge

For years, archaeologists and tourists in Britain have stood enthralled by the great stone circle at Stonehenge, a relic of a lost culture about which we know very little. Now researchers say that Stonehenge was once dwarfed by a nearby, much bigger rock-hard erection. In order to make this discovery with as little disruption …
Team Register, 07 Sep 2015

Layabout, sun-blushed techies have pick of IT job market, says survey

UK techies can pick and choose where they want their next job to be – so much so that many of them took the summer off completely to sip on pina coladas and top up their tans. That's the finding of a new survey, which revealed that according to a seasonally adjusted index measuring permanent vacancies in the IT sector, demand …
Team Register, 07 Sep 2015
"Columbian mammoth" by WolfmanSF - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Commons -


Great news for fossil followers this week, as it has emerged that a positive bone bonanza - including mammoth and bison remains - has been discovered at a development site outside San Diego. The Ice Age fossils, understood to date back from 50,000 to 200,000 years ago, were discovered at the Quarry Creek housing development …
Team Register, 06 Sep 2015

US trade watchdog to FBI: 'You think the crims won't know about the backdoor too?'

QuoTW What a week it has been. We've seen dangerous dating sites, crazy gaming rigs and crooked Wikipedia mods. Now on to some of our favourite quips: FTC Commissioner Terrell McSweeny dropped a bit of common sense on the FBI's demands of backdoors for law enforcement. She explained her own (more rational) position thusly: Some …
Team Register, 06 Sep 2015
Monty Python Galaxy Song

Astroboffins EYEBALL 13 BEELLION-year-old galaxy far, far, farthest away from Earth

Scientists reckon they have detected a galaxy that is more than 13 billion years old. It's understood to be the most distant galaxy ever observed by boffins, who revealed their findings in the latest issue of Astrophysical Journal Letters. The 13.2 billion-year-old galaxy has been dubbed EGS8p7. It was tagged as a candidate …
Team Register, 05 Sep 2015

Daredevil Brit lifts off in 54-prop quinquaquadcopter

An intrepid Brit has demonstrated the Right Stuff by strapping himself into an improbable but highly pleasing home-built, 54-prop flying contraption. The £6,000 quinquaquadcopter, dubbed by its creator the "Swarm Manned Aerial Vehicle Multirotor Super Drone", uses off-the shelf 18in props and an awful lot of 4-cell LiPos. …
Team Register, 04 Sep 2015

Borg bashes destabilising DoS bug in UCS kit

Cisco has patched a denial of service vulnerability in its unified computing platform. The remote file-overwrite vulnerability exist in the Cisco Management Controller and Cisco UCS Director unified infrastructure software. Borg security bods say there are no workarounds for the vulnerabilities other than to patch. "Cisco …
Team Register, 04 Sep 2015

Anonymous UK 'leader' fined for revealing ID of rape complainant

The leader of notorious 'hacktivist' group Anonymous UK has been fined £400 for identifying the woman who accused him of rape. Malcolm Blackman, 48, was accused of twice attacking the woman at the Occupy London protest camp outside St Paul's Cathedral in January 2013. He stood trial at the Old Bailey later that year but was …
Team Register, 03 Sep 2015

Speaking in Tech: Live from (not) The Last VMworld

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we are live from VMworld in San Francisco and we cover Cisco, Apple and, of course, VMworld. Our special guests this week are Chris Wahl from Rubrik and Lauren Malhoit from Cisco. This week, we check out …
Team Register, 02 Sep 2015

Groin-melting Fujitsu LifeBook batteries recalled in conflag alert

Fujitsu is recalling a bunch of laptop batteries due to overheating concerns. The batteries in question are dated between May 2011 and July 2012, and were offered as spare standalone batteries. In some cases, Fujitsu says, the batteries may also have been installed post-sale as replacements. The Panasonic-made batteries were …
Team Register, 02 Sep 2015