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Bang by Guian Bolisay

'The troll stats saddened me as a human, but didn't surprise me as a boffin'

QuoTW This week, we saved the internet, screwed up our smart TVs and made absolutely no money from our YouTube accounts. In the process, we uttered some memorable lines. By far, the big story of the week was the FCC's net neutrality decision. In opting to invoke Title II, the commission will force telcos to treat all internet traffic …
Team Register, 28 Feb 2015

El Reg regains atomic keyring capability

It's official: El Reg's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion has regained its atomic keyring capability with the arrival in our virtual emporium of the Nite Glowring. The six flavours of glowring You demanded the return of the legendary tritium-powered Traser, but sadly they'e no longer available. Instead, we've sourced for …
Team Register, 27 Feb 2015

BOFH in mugnificent return to Cash'n'Carrion

With the rebirth of El Reg merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion, we asked readers just what they'd like to see stocked on our virtual shelves. Right up the top of the list of demands was BOFH kit, so without further ado get your laughing gear round the relaunched Bastard Operator mug. At £9.99, this receptacle is unparalleled …
Team Register, 26 Feb 2015
Headshot of Trojan horse

Speaking in Tech: 'He's walking around with a rubber horse's head on'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week the three amigos jump on HP, exploding kittens and magic. This week's special guest is Bryan Beal, VP, Global Alliances at Brocade. Here's our topics today, formatted with beginning times for your listening …
Team Register, 25 Feb 2015
Screen capture of iTunes on Mac

$533 MEEELLION – the cost of Apple’s iTunes patent infringement

Apple has been ordered to pay nearly half a billion dollars to Texas-based patent licensing company Smartflash after a jury found that Cupertino's iTunes music service had violated three patents. Late on Tuesday, a jury at the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Texas – when asked if Smartflash had proved "by clear …
Team Register, 25 Feb 2015
Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything

Hawking thesp Eddie Redmayne and Snowden doc Citzenfour win Oscars

Citizenfour – the documentary about master spy blabbermouth Edward Snowden – and Stephen Hawking biopic The Theory of Everything have won Academy Awards. Brit thespian Eddie Redmayne took Best Actor for his portrayal of theoretical physicist Hawking. Citizenfour took home the prize for Best Documentary Feature. The Reg will …
Team Register, 23 Feb 2015
2001: A Space Odyssey

Spacewalking NASA 'nauts hook up power and data cables to ISS Harmony module

NASA astronauts clocked up hours of walking in the void of space on Saturday, as they continued to rig the forward end of the Harmony module and Pressurised Mating Adapter-2 with power and data cables. Terry Virts and Barry Wilmore routed 340 of 360 feet of cable during their walks, the U.S. space agency said. NASA added: The …
Team Register, 22 Feb 2015
The before and after effects promised by Dove's fake Photoshop action

Photoshop daddy: 'I’m not happy with body image issues it creates for a lot of women'

QuotW This week we looked up to the stars, scrutinised a spectacular security cock-up and speculated on a quarter century of photo-doctoring. In the process, we ended up with some great quotes. The biggest story of the week was the discovery of flaws in Superfish, a little-known image analyser Lenovo had slipped into its consumer …
Team Register, 22 Feb 2015

Speaking in Tech: C'mon, Gartner... PRIVATE CLOUD DENIAL?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This episode of El Reg's talk-tastic techcast is hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week the crew tackles private cloud deniers, Amazon's drone problem and bit rot. Their special guest is Jody Tyrus, senior technical architect, Security at California …
Team Register, 18 Feb 2015

Chinese food safety officials drank so much during working lunch that one of them DIED

A bunch of Chinese government officials in charge of food safety drank so much at a working lunch that one of them died. In an extreme example of when booze-ups go bad, seven bods working for the food and drug administration in central China’s Hubei province have been penalised after a colleague they accompanied on a hardcore …
Team Register, 17 Feb 2015
Solar filament eruption of August 31, 2012

Watch: FIRE-SPITTING time-lapse images of Sol showcase NASA's sun-gazing highs

Vid NASA has released an impressive time-lapse vid of our sun, to mark five years since the US space agency's Solar Dynamics Observatory (SDO) project began. The video shows off the highlights of NASA boffins gazing at old Sol. NASA said in a back-slapping post to celebrate SDO's fifth anniversary: Capturing an image more than …
Team Register, 14 Feb 2015
Samsung 48-inch UE48HU7500T 4K TV

'We have NO IDEA who put those ads on our TVs', Sammy simpers

QuotW This week, we saw worries of freezing phones, a killer Facebook bug and dinosaurs getting wrecked on shrooms. We were also furnished with a handful of excellent quotes. Here are some of the best: Samsung was absolutely flummoxed this week when it found out that *someone* had been slipping advertisements into the middle of …
Team Register, 14 Feb 2015

Hey, NUDE CELEBS! Apple adds SWEET 2FA to iMessage, Facetime

Apple has activated a two-factor authentication (2FA) system for Facetime and iMessage, extending the service to beyond iCloud accounts in a move that it hopes will help secure its communications platforms. The feature has become effective immediately, meaning any attempt to activate the services on a new device would first need …
Team Register, 13 Feb 2015
scissors cut cable

Speaking in Tech: Woohoo – we're CUTTING OFF THE CABLE COMPANIES

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another edition of El Reg's info-packed podcast, recorded in the US by your tech guru hosts Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is replaced by Amy Lewis, who joins Sarah and Greg to talk about Sling, the death of enterprise computing and Apple's …
Team Register, 11 Feb 2015
Ubisoft Driver San Francisco

Speaking in Tech: Uber and Google on the road to DRIVER-FREE cars

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen and Sarah Vela. Ed Saipetch is taking a well-earned break, so it's just the gruesome twosome this week. This week Sarah and Greg are talking about Uber and Google stepping on each other's expanding, far-reaching and ultimately driverless toes. …
Team Register, 04 Feb 2015

Want even more more detail in your Big Iron coverage? Try The Platform

The Platform is a new publication announced today in partnership with The Register. It will offer in-depth coverage of high-end computing at large enterprises, supercomputing centers, hyperscale data centers, and public clouds. Some companies are building their own platforms for internal use, while others are building platforms …
Team Register, 03 Feb 2015

The Pirate Bay clambers back online after cop raid sunk site for 7 weeks

Torrent search engine The Pirate Bay is back online weeks after a police raid on a Swedish data centre sunk the copyright-infringing clearinghouse site. Administrators behind the infamous site had promised to bring TPB back to life today, however it crept back online on Saturday, as first reported by file-sharing blog …
Team Register, 01 Feb 2015

Carmakers DEFLATED by AIRBAG FLAW as US watchdog recalls TWO MEELLION vehicles

More than 2 million SUVs and cars have been recalled by a US regulator, after manufacturers including Honda and Toyota failed to fix defects found in the airbags of some of their early Noughties' models. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (HTSA) confirmed that Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx had announced …
Team Register, 01 Feb 2015
Earth

Earth's soil moisture to be sniffed by DIRTY-MINDED satellite

NASA has successfully launched a satellite that will collect global observations of Earth's soil moisture. The U.S. space agency's bird – dubbed the Soil Moisture Active Passive (SMAP) satellite – was blasted into space on the unmanned United Launch Alliance Delta II rocket. During SMAP's three-year mission, the sat's expected …
Team Register, 31 Jan 2015
Planck view of BICEP2 field (image credit: ESA/Planck)

Tearful boffins confirm grav wave tsunami NOT caused by Big Bang

Claims that a gravitational wave tsunami swept the universe from the Big Bang have turned to dust ... interstellar dust. Last September, the smart money was already backing the idea that the signal didn't come from the early universe and, on Friday, scientists agreed that the "gravitational waves remain elusive." No conclusive …
Team Register, 31 Jan 2015
Windows OEM devices on stage at Computex

Speaking in Tech: FREE Win 10 upgrade 'NOT really a big deal'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's El Reg's best and only tech podacast, hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week the crew tackles Big Blue, "free" Windows from Microsoft and police chasing Waze. Special guest Scott Hanson from Cisco is in teh hotseat. This week we discuss... 1: …
Team Register, 28 Jan 2015

Cash'n'Carrion January sale: Get in there while you can

If you fancy enjoying 20 per cent off everything down at El Reg's merchandising tentacle, Cash'n'Carrion, you'd better get in there sharpish, because our January sale ends on Saturday. To claim the bumper discount, just enter "JAN20" in the appropriate box during checkout – simple as that. While you're filling your retail boots …
Team Register, 27 Jan 2015

BOT AN ABOMINATION: Mechanical DRONE VAMPIRE spreads wings

Vid Swiss researchers, who developed a robot that can walk on its wings across tricky terrain, have flaunted their latest prototype which they hope could one day be used in search and rescue operations. Or something. Youtube Video The latest model from EPFL builds on the previous design of the drone, dubbed DALER (Deployable Air- …
Team Register, 25 Jan 2015
New Horizons spacecraft approaching Pluto

FROSTY MISTRESS of the Outer System: Pluto yields to probe snapper

NASA's New Horizons spaceship, which has been on its mission to Pluto for nine years now, is expected to start snapping photos of the icy planet today. The probe has travelled roughly 3 billion miles away from Earth for its closest approach with the dwarf planet expected to take place on 14 July this year. Boffins at the U.S. …
Team Register, 25 Jan 2015
Hand precision grip

SUPERHANDS! Fossils of early human ancestors reveal a GRIPPING development

Ancestors of humans who lived around three to two million years ago appear to have had the ability to use their hands in a very similar way to how we grip tools today, according to a new study from anthropologists. Power "squeeze" gripping and forceful precision employed by humans were understood to relate to a reduction in tree …
Team Register, 24 Jan 2015
chalk outline of  human body at crime scene

Lies, damn lies and Wikipedia: Murder suspect NOT a Plaxo founder – ex-staffer

News reports which claim that Minh Nguyen, who has been arrested for murder, was one of the founders of the address-book-in-the-cloud, Plaxo, appear to be based on an erroneous Wikipedia entry that had been repeatedly edited. The story was reported in The MailOnline (screenshot here), techcrunch (which seems to have modified its …
Team Register, 22 Jan 2015
Homer Simpson wearing a Glass headset to bed

Speaking in Tech: Google takes Glass out to the wood shed

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This episode of El Reg's talkative techcast is hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. Tuck in. This week the team is back beating up on Google, and gloating over the end of Google Glass, or rather its "graduation" (“a bullet to the ****ing head”). It looks …
Team Register, 21 Jan 2015
Fujitsu TR800

Diamonds are forever, Fujitsu Eternus now for VDI

Fujitsu has added a bunch of new variants to its Eternus TR storage arrays, targeting large scale desktop virtualisation environments. The models are the Eternus TR820, TR850 and TR880, with the last in the list claiming the ability to connect 3,500 VMs, which the company says is nearly double the scale of its previous models. …
Team Register, 20 Jan 2015
Great Wall of China

Microsoft Outlook PENETRATED by Chinese 'man-in-the-middle'

Microsoft suffered a "man-in-the-middle" attack on its Outlook email service in China over the weekend, according to Greatfire.org. The assault on its mail systems apparently lasted around 24 hours before returning to normal. It came after Google's Gmail was blocked in the People's Republic late last year. Greatfire.org said …
Team Register, 19 Jan 2015
Mulder in The X-Files

This could be a case for Mulder and Scully: Fox 'in talks' to bring back The X-Files

Chris Carter's cult, '90s telly classic The X-Files could be set for a return to the small screen, after the Fox network confirmed it was in talks to hit reboot on the drama series. Original cast members David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are expected to reprise their roles as FBI special agents Mulder & Scully in the popular …
Team Register, 18 Jan 2015
Unknown planets could exist beyond Pluto

OTHER EARTHS may be orbiting our Sun beyond Neptune

Astroboffins believe at least two hidden planets may exist in our solar system – far beyond Pluto. If the claim from scientists at the Complutense University of Madrid and the University of Cambridge is confirmed, the "results may be truly revolutionary for astronomy," said Carlos de la Fuente Marcos, who co-authored the study …
Team Register, 18 Jan 2015
Maser developed by Princeton University researchers

REGARD our TINY but POWERFUL LASER, suitable for very SMALL sharks

Shrinking the scale of semiconductor materials to help build powerful quantum-computing systems has proved to be a real head-scratcher for scientists. However, boffins at Princeton University have come up with a device that they think could be a "major step forward" for the tech. The university's associate physics professor, …
Team Register, 17 Jan 2015

Cash'n'Carrion launches big January sale

In the traditional spirit of post-Xmas retailing, El Reg's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion is offering 20 per cent off everything until the end of January, so now is the time to get in there and grab yourself some cut-price kit. Polo shirt modelled by strapping Vulture Central employee For instance, if you'd like to …
Team Register, 14 Jan 2015
Jeff Bezos shows off the Amazon Fire Phone

Speaking in Tech: Amazon Fire Phone – 'insanity' but 'genius'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This episode of El Reg's techcast is hosted by the whole gang: Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch, and Sarah Vela. Our special guest for this episode is Nick Weaver, Director of Intel SDI Labs at Intel. This week the crew chews on three big topics. Firstly, is Amazon's Fire Phone …
Team Register, 14 Jan 2015
Picture by Afonso Lima

Huawei: Phone sales helped fatten our bottom line in 2014

Phone sales helped network equipment giant Huawei to bank 20 per cent more revenue in 2014 than the previous year, the company said today in an earnings guidance. The Chinese company estimates sales for the 12 months to come in at between ¥287-289bn (£30.3bn to £30.9bn) when the final numbers for calendar ’14 are reported in …
Team Register, 13 Jan 2015
IBM PC 5150

IBM: Hey, Intel and pals. Look on our massive patent pile and despair

IBM has once again been crowned the leader of the annual patents list, way ahead of US tech giants such as Microsoft, Google and Apple. It's the 22nd year in a row that Big Blue has led the pack with its patent stash, which a company can use as a pile of competitive and anticompetitive weapons in the software world. Big Blue …
Team Register, 12 Jan 2015
James Franco and Seth Rogen in The Interview

Speaking in Tech: The Interview? PAH. Nobody'd bother if the Norks had kept quiet

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise The whole crew is together again for the New Year's ep of El Reg's tech cast, hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela, with special guest Mark Twomey (aka Storagezilla) of EMC. Don't be alarmed when you start the podcast - we have a new introduction this week …
Team Register, 07 Jan 2015
Confused computer keyboard

Software-defined everything: So, WHEN is the 'future'?

The software-defined data centre concept has attracted considerable attention and hype, with its promise of reducing hardware costs and automating control of infrastructure. Backers of the idea say the SDDC will enable policy-driven management of resources, allowing applications to be deployed across commodity hardware to suit …
Team Register, 05 Jan 2015
Smartphones

Secretive Chinese smartphone maker Xiaomi gets TALKY over HUGE sales

Chinese tech giant Xiaomi racked up 74.3bn yuan ($11.97bn) in pre-tax revenue last year, the company's president Bin Lin said today. The vendor apparently had a mega 135 per cent growth spurt in 2014, after it sold more than 61 million smartphones during the 12-month period. Xiaomi's co-founder didn't offer any details on …
Team Register, 04 Jan 2015

Acer to unveil a 15.6-INCH Chromebook WHOPPER at CES

CES 2015 Acer has bigged up an embiggened Chromebook with a 15.6-inch screen ahead of the opening of the world's largest consumer electronics trade show – CES – in Las Vegas in a few days' time. The vendor claimed that it had developed a robust Google OS-powered laptop with a case that it promised would "withstand up to 60kg of force, …
Team Register, 03 Jan 2015
South Park: Stick of Truth

Ugly Microsoft code NUKED Bing and Yahoo! – report

Microsoft and Yahoo!'s search engines may hold much smaller portions of the market, which is dominated by ad giant Google, but netizens still noticed when the services went dark for a short period on Friday. Reuters, citing a person briefed on the outages, reported today that the search engines went titsup after Redmond …
Team Register, 03 Jan 2015
V

UFOs in the '50s skies? CIA admits: 'IT WAS US'

The US government's Central Intelligence Agency has 'fessed up about reports of UFO sightings in the 1950s by playfully tweeting "it was us". It linked to a document entitled The CIA and the U-2 Program 1954-1974 (PDF), which was first published in 1998. The CIA decided to flag it up via its Twitter account because it had …
Team Register, 01 Jan 2015
Reg SF holiday test materials

El Reg tests portable breathalyzers: Getting drunk so you don't have to

Celebrating Christmas and the New Year is traditional in many cultures and, humans being what they are, usually involves the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol. Of course, that consumption comes with a cost. The liver, which processes over 90 per cent of booze consumed, can take a hit from a heavy session. Plenty of …
Team Register, 31 Dec 2014
Earth

Euro SPACEMAN snaps incredible images of our Blue Planet

Vid ESA 'naut Alexander Gerst captured some breathtaking images of Earth during his six-month stint on the International Space Station. This timelapse video brings together 12,500 photos snapped by Gerst while he was part of the Blue Dot mission from May to November this year. Youtube Video Highlights include stunning auroras, …
Team Register, 28 Dec 2014
Who trio, photo: BBC

Doctor Who's tangerine dream and Clara's death wish in Last Christmas

TV Review Readers please note: THIS IS A POST-UK-BROADCAST REVIEW – THERE WILL BE SPOILERS! Brid-Aine says: I don’t usually have much time for schmaltz and sentimentality, but I make an exception for Christmas. I can take a certain amount of it at this time of year, the season of goodwill and all that. But the sight of the new and …
Team Register, 25 Dec 2014
International Space Station

Mysterious STAR set to appear on Christmas Eve above Blighty: The ISS

NASA's International Space Station is expected to be shining brightly above Britain's skies tonight. Budding young scientists can probably catch a glimpse of ISS between 5pm and 7pm today - weather permitting, of course. @Space_Station decorated for the holidays as the #ISS crew studies life in space: http://t.co/AabwSB90ba …
Team Register, 24 Dec 2014
snowden insider theft security

Google it! Ruskie gov user data slurps jumped 25% last year

Google user data access requests from the Russian government jumped a whopping 25 per cent in the last six months of 2013, Mountain View has revealed in a rejigged version of its "Transparency Report". The ad giant said it had tweaked the way it presented the information requested by governments around the world to try to "make …
Team Register, 23 Dec 2014
Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak

Brit thesp Kate Winslet eyes lead female role in Steve Jobs biopic – report

British actor Kate Winslet has reportedly entered talks with Universal to play the lead female role in the biopic of Apple supremo Steve Jobs, who died in 2011. According to Variety magazine, Oscar winner Winslet, who is perhaps best known for her performance in epic, watery-doom flick Titanic, was likely attracted to the film …
Team Register, 21 Dec 2014
Fenke with Reg the vulture and the powerbank

Last chance for Xmas Cash'n'Carrion goodies

Those of you who'd been mulling snaffling something from our Cash'n'Carrion merchandising emporium should be aware that today is the deadline for international orders to be delivered before Xmas, and UK customers should get in there tomorrow at the latest to receive their goodies before Santa touches down on their rooftops. …
Team Register, 18 Dec 2014
Boring Christmas

Scrooges rejoice! Beancounters find formula for perfect Xmas party

If you’re planning a Christmas party and you’re the sort of miserly Scrooge type that doesn’t want to waste any money on excess Christmas crackers, science has got you covered. A trio of those party-loving statisticians has worked out the formula for the optimum number of crackers for a party to ensure that everyone wins one …
Team Register, 18 Dec 2014