The Register Columnists

Team Register

Contact Mail Follow RSS feed

Speaking in Tech: Big Data and the ‘Everything In The Cloud’ obsession

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This week's show is hosted by Ed Saipetch, with able support from Greg Knieriemen and Sarah Vela. We're celebrating our 3rd anniversary with some of our favorite guests, including EMC's Mark Twomey (aka "Storagezilla"), Amy Lewis from SolidFire and Geek Whisperers and Marc …
Team Register, 25 Mar 2015

Nutanix 'working on a homebrew hypervisor', sources tell El Reg

We're not quite sure why Nutanix would be working on its own hypervisor, but apparently it is, The Register has learned. Sources on both sides of the Atlantic tell us development work on the hypervisor has reached an advanced state. The startup, based in San Jose, California, expects to talk about its efforts at its user …
Team Register, 23 Mar 2015

Silk Road seller 'blew through all that money using drugs and going to strip clubs'

QuoTW This week, we trash-talked the state of BIOS security, poked around a buggy new version of Windows, and then smeared a bunch of Microsoft on some perfectly good Android phones. Here are a few of the best quotes picked up along the way. While bigwigs like Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk are fretting over a future of genocidal …
Team Register, 22 Mar 2015

Cops cuff Colorado girl for allegedly poisoning mum after iPhone ban

A preteen child was reportedly manacled in Colorado, US yesterday, after allegedly attempting to poison her mother twice, because the kid's iPhone had been taken away from her. According to the Denver Post, it was claimed by police that an unnamed, 12-year-old girl used bleach to try to kill her mum. Boulder County Sheriff's …
Team Register, 21 Mar 2015
Facebook privacy image

Speaking in Tech: Why doesn't Facebook just stop doing stuff?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we jump into Facebook's posting rules, Google's "Nearline" storage, Blackberry tablets and Gold Apple watches. Our special guest this week is tech guru Stephen Foskett from Tech Field Day. Our special guest …
Team Register, 18 Mar 2015

Atomic keyrings: Just how bright are they?

Since El Reg's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion responded to reader demand for atomic keyrings and took delivery of a big crate of Nite Glowrings and Mini Glowrings, we've had a few emails asking how bright they actually are. Three colours of Nite Glowring Indeed, a couple of customers who flashed the plastic for these …
Team Register, 18 Mar 2015
Overcharging? That'll be because electric cars are expenisive

Musk: 'Tesla's electric Model S cars will be less crap soon. I PROMISE'

Billionaire biz baron Elon Musk has promised Tesla's Model S customers that the electric cars will shortly receive a software update "to end range anxiety". The Register has previously reported that 'leccy motor fans fear being stranded in the middle of nowhere without juice. As our own Vulture at the Wheel Simon Rockman …
Team Register, 15 Mar 2015
Jamie Oliver

'There is NO SUCH THING as a safe site anymore' – security bod

QuoTW This week we broke our PCs, debated the merits of a $17,000 watch, and scored a free logic board from the Beeb. Here are the best quotes we picked up along the way … AVG CEO Gary Kovacs had some good advice for vendors on simplifying their privacy guidelines to keep users better informed on consent: Get your privacy policy …
Team Register, 15 Mar 2015

Speaking in Tech: A Kardashian wearing the Apple Watch? Now that's success

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we dig into the Apple Watch (what's the point, and is it any better than the Pebble), the untimely and rather bizarre death of GigaOm, and Microsoft killing backup software. This week’s special guest is Marc …
Team Register, 11 Mar 2015

Price slashed on Reg-branded Swiss Army Knife

We're pleased to announce that Vulture Central's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion has slashed the price of our handsome Reg-branded Swiss Army Knife from £19.99 to £15.99. The Register-branded Swiss Army Knife Critically, this classic implement has the means by which to open bottles of beer, so you know what you can …
Team Register, 10 Mar 2015

MWC 2015 roundup: Strap on a wearable and cover your face in sickly VR goo

Yes – it's time for our Mobile World Congress 2015 linkfest! Here's The Register's full coverage of what was hot and plain old rot in Barcelona this year. Phabba-dabba-do: Samsung hypes up Galaxy S6 and S6 Edge – A built-in battery? Is your name Apple? Samsung Galaxy Note Edge HTC One M9 hands on: Like a smart M8 in a sharp …
Team Register, 08 Mar 2015

Cash'n'Carrion restocks atomic keyrings

Having seriously underestimated Reg reader demand for atomic keyrings, Vulture Central's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion has just taken delivery of another big box of the Nite Glowrings and Mini Glowrings - sufficient we're assured to meet the tritium-powered illumination needs of those who missed out on the first batch. …
Team Register, 06 Mar 2015
Statler and Waldorf - copyright - The Walt Disney company - the muppets studio

Speaking in Tech: Tinder Plus: 4 times pricier... if you're an OVER-28 wrinkly

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of El Reg's best and only tech podcast with your hosts Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, they dig into HP's acquisition of Aruba, Tinder pricing for the *cough* elderly and the prospects for Google+. Their special guest this week is …
Team Register, 04 Mar 2015
Bang by Guian Bolisay

'The troll stats saddened me as a human, but didn't surprise me as a boffin'

QuoTW This week, we saved the internet, screwed up our smart TVs and made absolutely no money from our YouTube accounts. In the process, we uttered some memorable lines. By far, the big story of the week was the FCC's net neutrality decision. In opting to invoke Title II, the commission will force telcos to treat all internet traffic …
Team Register, 28 Feb 2015

El Reg regains atomic keyring capability

It's official: El Reg's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion has regained its atomic keyring capability with the arrival in our virtual emporium of the Nite Glowring. The six flavours of glowring You demanded the return of the legendary tritium-powered Traser, but sadly they'e no longer available. Instead, we've sourced for …
Team Register, 27 Feb 2015

BOFH in mugnificent return to Cash'n'Carrion

With the rebirth of El Reg merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion, we asked readers just what they'd like to see stocked on our virtual shelves. Right up the top of the list of demands was BOFH kit, so without further ado get your laughing gear round the relaunched Bastard Operator mug. At £9.99, this receptacle is unparalleled …
Team Register, 26 Feb 2015
Headshot of Trojan horse

Speaking in Tech: 'He's walking around with a rubber horse's head on'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week the three amigos jump on HP, exploding kittens and magic. This week's special guest is Bryan Beal, VP, Global Alliances at Brocade. Here's our topics today, formatted with beginning times for your listening …
Team Register, 25 Feb 2015
Screen capture of iTunes on Mac

$533 MEEELLION – the cost of Apple’s iTunes patent infringement

Apple has been ordered to pay nearly half a billion dollars to Texas-based patent licensing company Smartflash after a jury found that Cupertino's iTunes music service had violated three patents. Late on Tuesday, a jury at the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Texas – when asked if Smartflash had proved "by clear …
Team Register, 25 Feb 2015
Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything

Hawking thesp Eddie Redmayne and Snowden doc Citzenfour win Oscars

Citizenfour – the documentary about master spy blabbermouth Edward Snowden – and Stephen Hawking biopic The Theory of Everything have won Academy Awards. Brit thespian Eddie Redmayne took Best Actor for his portrayal of theoretical physicist Hawking. Citizenfour took home the prize for Best Documentary Feature. The Reg will …
Team Register, 23 Feb 2015
2001: A Space Odyssey

Spacewalking NASA 'nauts hook up power and data cables to ISS Harmony module

NASA astronauts clocked up hours of walking in the void of space on Saturday, as they continued to rig the forward end of the Harmony module and Pressurised Mating Adapter-2 with power and data cables. Terry Virts and Barry Wilmore routed 340 of 360 feet of cable during their walks, the U.S. space agency said. NASA added: The …
Team Register, 22 Feb 2015
The before and after effects promised by Dove's fake Photoshop action

Photoshop daddy: 'I’m not happy with body image issues it creates for a lot of women'

QuotW This week we looked up to the stars, scrutinised a spectacular security cock-up and speculated on a quarter century of photo-doctoring. In the process, we ended up with some great quotes. The biggest story of the week was the discovery of flaws in Superfish, a little-known image analyser Lenovo had slipped into its consumer …
Team Register, 22 Feb 2015

Speaking in Tech: C'mon, Gartner... PRIVATE CLOUD DENIAL?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This episode of El Reg's talk-tastic techcast is hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week the crew tackles private cloud deniers, Amazon's drone problem and bit rot. Their special guest is Jody Tyrus, senior technical architect, Security at California …
Team Register, 18 Feb 2015

Chinese food safety officials drank so much during working lunch that one of them DIED

A bunch of Chinese government officials in charge of food safety drank so much at a working lunch that one of them died. In an extreme example of when booze-ups go bad, seven bods working for the food and drug administration in central China’s Hubei province have been penalised after a colleague they accompanied on a hardcore …
Team Register, 17 Feb 2015
Solar filament eruption of August 31, 2012

Watch: FIRE-SPITTING time-lapse images of Sol showcase NASA's sun-gazing highs

Vid NASA has released an impressive time-lapse vid of our sun, to mark five years since the US space agency's Solar Dynamics Observatory (SDO) project began. The video shows off the highlights of NASA boffins gazing at old Sol. NASA said in a back-slapping post to celebrate SDO's fifth anniversary: Capturing an image more than …
Team Register, 14 Feb 2015
Samsung 48-inch UE48HU7500T 4K TV

'We have NO IDEA who put those ads on our TVs', Sammy simpers

QuotW This week, we saw worries of freezing phones, a killer Facebook bug and dinosaurs getting wrecked on shrooms. We were also furnished with a handful of excellent quotes. Here are some of the best: Samsung was absolutely flummoxed this week when it found out that *someone* had been slipping advertisements into the middle of …
Team Register, 14 Feb 2015

Hey, NUDE CELEBS! Apple adds SWEET 2FA to iMessage, Facetime

Apple has activated a two-factor authentication (2FA) system for Facetime and iMessage, extending the service to beyond iCloud accounts in a move that it hopes will help secure its communications platforms. The feature has become effective immediately, meaning any attempt to activate the services on a new device would first need …
Team Register, 13 Feb 2015
scissors cut cable

Speaking in Tech: Woohoo – we're CUTTING OFF THE CABLE COMPANIES

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another edition of El Reg's info-packed podcast, recorded in the US by your tech guru hosts Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is replaced by Amy Lewis, who joins Sarah and Greg to talk about Sling, the death of enterprise computing and Apple's …
Team Register, 11 Feb 2015
Ubisoft Driver San Francisco

Speaking in Tech: Uber and Google on the road to DRIVER-FREE cars

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen and Sarah Vela. Ed Saipetch is taking a well-earned break, so it's just the gruesome twosome this week. This week Sarah and Greg are talking about Uber and Google stepping on each other's expanding, far-reaching and ultimately driverless toes. …
Team Register, 04 Feb 2015

Extra detailed Big Iron coverage, LIVE TODAY at The Platform

The Platform is a new publication which goes live today in partnership with The Register. It will offer in-depth coverage of high-end computing at large enterprises, supercomputing centers, hyperscale data centers, and public clouds. Some companies are building their own platforms for internal use, while others are building …
Team Register, 03 Feb 2015

The Pirate Bay clambers back online after cop raid sunk site for 7 weeks

Torrent search engine The Pirate Bay is back online weeks after a police raid on a Swedish data centre sunk the copyright-infringing clearinghouse site. Administrators behind the infamous site had promised to bring TPB back to life today, however it crept back online on Saturday, as first reported by file-sharing blog …
Team Register, 01 Feb 2015

Carmakers DEFLATED by AIRBAG FLAW as US watchdog recalls TWO MEELLION vehicles

More than 2 million SUVs and cars have been recalled by a US regulator, after manufacturers including Honda and Toyota failed to fix defects found in the airbags of some of their early Noughties' models. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (HTSA) confirmed that Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx had announced …
Team Register, 01 Feb 2015
Earth

Earth's soil moisture to be sniffed by DIRTY-MINDED satellite

NASA has successfully launched a satellite that will collect global observations of Earth's soil moisture. The U.S. space agency's bird – dubbed the Soil Moisture Active Passive (SMAP) satellite – was blasted into space on the unmanned United Launch Alliance Delta II rocket. During SMAP's three-year mission, the sat's expected …
Team Register, 31 Jan 2015
Planck view of BICEP2 field (image credit: ESA/Planck)

Tearful boffins confirm grav wave tsunami NOT caused by Big Bang

Claims that a gravitational wave tsunami swept the universe from the Big Bang have turned to dust ... interstellar dust. Last September, the smart money was already backing the idea that the signal didn't come from the early universe and, on Friday, scientists agreed that the "gravitational waves remain elusive." No conclusive …
Team Register, 31 Jan 2015
Windows OEM devices on stage at Computex

Speaking in Tech: FREE Win 10 upgrade 'NOT really a big deal'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's El Reg's best and only tech podacast, hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week the crew tackles Big Blue, "free" Windows from Microsoft and police chasing Waze. Special guest Scott Hanson from Cisco is in teh hotseat. This week we discuss... 1: …
Team Register, 28 Jan 2015

Cash'n'Carrion January sale: Get in there while you can

If you fancy enjoying 20 per cent off everything down at El Reg's merchandising tentacle, Cash'n'Carrion, you'd better get in there sharpish, because our January sale ends on Saturday. To claim the bumper discount, just enter "JAN20" in the appropriate box during checkout – simple as that. While you're filling your retail boots …
Team Register, 27 Jan 2015

BOT AN ABOMINATION: Mechanical DRONE VAMPIRE spreads wings

Vid Swiss researchers, who developed a robot that can walk on its wings across tricky terrain, have flaunted their latest prototype which they hope could one day be used in search and rescue operations. Or something. Youtube Video The latest model from EPFL builds on the previous design of the drone, dubbed DALER (Deployable Air- …
Team Register, 25 Jan 2015
New Horizons spacecraft approaching Pluto

FROSTY MISTRESS of the Outer System: Pluto yields to probe snapper

NASA's New Horizons spaceship, which has been on its mission to Pluto for nine years now, is expected to start snapping photos of the icy planet today. The probe has travelled roughly 3 billion miles away from Earth for its closest approach with the dwarf planet expected to take place on 14 July this year. Boffins at the U.S. …
Team Register, 25 Jan 2015
Hand precision grip

SUPERHANDS! Fossils of early human ancestors reveal a GRIPPING development

Ancestors of humans who lived around three to two million years ago appear to have had the ability to use their hands in a very similar way to how we grip tools today, according to a new study from anthropologists. Power "squeeze" gripping and forceful precision employed by humans were understood to relate to a reduction in tree …
Team Register, 24 Jan 2015
chalk outline of  human body at crime scene

Lies, damn lies and Wikipedia: Murder suspect NOT a Plaxo founder – ex-staffer

News reports which claim that Minh Nguyen, who has been arrested for murder, was one of the founders of the address-book-in-the-cloud, Plaxo, appear to be based on an erroneous Wikipedia entry that had been repeatedly edited. The story was reported in The MailOnline (screenshot here), techcrunch (which seems to have modified its …
Team Register, 22 Jan 2015
Homer Simpson wearing a Glass headset to bed

Speaking in Tech: Google takes Glass out to the wood shed

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This episode of El Reg's talkative techcast is hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. Tuck in. This week the team is back beating up on Google, and gloating over the end of Google Glass, or rather its "graduation" (“a bullet to the ****ing head”). It looks …
Team Register, 21 Jan 2015
Fujitsu TR800

Diamonds are forever, Fujitsu Eternus now for VDI

Fujitsu has added a bunch of new variants to its Eternus TR storage arrays, targeting large scale desktop virtualisation environments. The models are the Eternus TR820, TR850 and TR880, with the last in the list claiming the ability to connect 3,500 VMs, which the company says is nearly double the scale of its previous models. …
Team Register, 20 Jan 2015
Great Wall of China

Microsoft Outlook PENETRATED by Chinese 'man-in-the-middle'

Microsoft suffered a "man-in-the-middle" attack on its Outlook email service in China over the weekend, according to Greatfire.org. The assault on its mail systems apparently lasted around 24 hours before returning to normal. It came after Google's Gmail was blocked in the People's Republic late last year. Greatfire.org said …
Team Register, 19 Jan 2015
Mulder in The X-Files

This could be a case for Mulder and Scully: Fox 'in talks' to bring back The X-Files

Chris Carter's cult, '90s telly classic The X-Files could be set for a return to the small screen, after the Fox network confirmed it was in talks to hit reboot on the drama series. Original cast members David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are expected to reprise their roles as FBI special agents Mulder & Scully in the popular …
Team Register, 18 Jan 2015
Unknown planets could exist beyond Pluto

OTHER EARTHS may be orbiting our Sun beyond Neptune

Astroboffins believe at least two hidden planets may exist in our solar system – far beyond Pluto. If the claim from scientists at the Complutense University of Madrid and the University of Cambridge is confirmed, the "results may be truly revolutionary for astronomy," said Carlos de la Fuente Marcos, who co-authored the study …
Team Register, 18 Jan 2015
Maser developed by Princeton University researchers

REGARD our TINY but POWERFUL LASER, suitable for very SMALL sharks

Shrinking the scale of semiconductor materials to help build powerful quantum-computing systems has proved to be a real head-scratcher for scientists. However, boffins at Princeton University have come up with a device that they think could be a "major step forward" for the tech. The university's associate physics professor, …
Team Register, 17 Jan 2015

Cash'n'Carrion launches big January sale

In the traditional spirit of post-Xmas retailing, El Reg's merchandising tentacle Cash'n'Carrion is offering 20 per cent off everything until the end of January, so now is the time to get in there and grab yourself some cut-price kit. Polo shirt modelled by strapping Vulture Central employee For instance, if you'd like to …
Team Register, 14 Jan 2015
Jeff Bezos shows off the Amazon Fire Phone

Speaking in Tech: Amazon Fire Phone – 'insanity' but 'genius'

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This episode of El Reg's techcast is hosted by the whole gang: Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch, and Sarah Vela. Our special guest for this episode is Nick Weaver, Director of Intel SDI Labs at Intel. This week the crew chews on three big topics. Firstly, is Amazon's Fire Phone …
Team Register, 14 Jan 2015
Picture by Afonso Lima

Huawei: Phone sales helped fatten our bottom line in 2014

Phone sales helped network equipment giant Huawei to bank 20 per cent more revenue in 2014 than the previous year, the company said today in an earnings guidance. The Chinese company estimates sales for the 12 months to come in at between ¥287-289bn (£30.3bn to £30.9bn) when the final numbers for calendar ’14 are reported in …
Team Register, 13 Jan 2015
IBM PC 5150

IBM: Hey, Intel and pals. Look on our massive patent pile and despair

IBM has once again been crowned the leader of the annual patents list, way ahead of US tech giants such as Microsoft, Google and Apple. It's the 22nd year in a row that Big Blue has led the pack with its patent stash, which a company can use as a pile of competitive and anticompetitive weapons in the software world. Big Blue …
Team Register, 12 Jan 2015
James Franco and Seth Rogen in The Interview

Speaking in Tech: The Interview? PAH. Nobody'd bother if the Norks had kept quiet

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise The whole crew is together again for the New Year's ep of El Reg's tech cast, hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela, with special guest Mark Twomey (aka Storagezilla) of EMC. Don't be alarmed when you start the podcast - we have a new introduction this week …
Team Register, 07 Jan 2015