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Artist's view of a binary black hole. Pic credit: NASA, ESA and G Bacon (STScI)

Boffins clock MONSTER BLACK HOLES inside quasar-hosting galaxy near Earth

Scientists have spotted two central black holes raging and skating around each other in Markarian 231 (Mrk 231) – the nearest galaxy to Earth that hosts a quasar. The binary black hole could collide in just a few 100,000 years from now, predicted astroboffins who made the discovery using NASA's Hubble Space Telescope. "We are …
Team Register, 29 Aug 2015

Company in shambles, marriages ruined. My work here is done, says Ashley Madison CEO

Noel Biderman has quit as chief exec of Avid Life Media, the parent of adultery website Ashley Madison. If you can't think why, or don't know what Ashley Madison is by now, then you must have been living under a rock for the past month – and we'd be grateful if you could let us join you. After hackers ransacked the Ashley …
Team Register, 28 Aug 2015

The most tragic thing about the Ashley Madison hack? It was really 1% actual women

When the Ashley Madison databases were splashed all over the internet by hackers, it emerged that about 31 million accounts on the Tinder-for-affairs website were created by men. And about 5 million by women. Not great odds if you're a straight fella looking to cheat on your spouse. It turns out the odds were even worse: very …
Team Register, 27 Aug 2015

Krebs: I know who hacked Ashley Madison

It appears someone closely linked to the hacking gang that ransacked adultery website Ashley Madison has accidentally outed him or herself. Investigative computer security journo Brian Krebs, with the help of pals, today named a Twitter user they believe is involved with Impact Team, which publicly leaked 33 million accounts …
Team Register, 26 Aug 2015
cheating_648

Speaking in Tech: Big Blue's big libido tops the Ashley Madison league

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week we cover Intel, more Ashley Madison fallout, hangouts, IPOs and much, much more. Our special guest this week is Mark Twomey (aka Storagezilla). This week, we cast our eye over... (1:00) Eddie line dances …
Team Register, 26 Aug 2015

What Ashley Madison did and did NOT delete if you paid $19 – and why it may cost it $5m+

Add a multimillion-dollar US class-action lawsuit to the growing number of court battles facing the owner of the hacked Ashley Madison website. A class-action complaint [PDF] filed in a US District Court in California this week alleges that Avid Life Media (ALM) neglected to properly secure the highly compromising personal …
Team Register, 25 Aug 2015
Woman on phone. Pic: Carolyn Coles

Speaking in Tech: What's that strange rustling sound?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week it's a full cast as we cover new gadgets, Android messaging, tough work and exposed cheaters. This week, we cast our eye over... (1:50) Eddie checks in from LinuxCon: soda, sweets & sessions (7:00) Dell …
Team Register, 19 Aug 2015
Toilet

'We've got the sanitation problem solved', says world's richest poop drinker

QuoTW This week, the headlines were dominated by Lenovo's bad behaviour, Google's dot-xyz obsession and a story from Silicon Valley, where even the trailer parks have $40m drama. These were some of the best quotes: The team behind the film Dallas Buyer's Club wants to go pirate hunting down under, but local authorities aren't so …
Team Register, 16 Aug 2015

Use QuickTime … and become part of the collective

Two Borg assimilators have discovered five denial of service vulnerabilities in Apple's QuickTime. The five vulnerabilities (CVE-2015-3788 to 3792) affect the latest version of QuickTime up to the patched 7.7.7 for Windows 7. Ryan Pentney and Richard Johnson of Cisco's Talos security talon reported the memory corruption holes …
Team Register, 14 Aug 2015
Assange

Assange™ is 'upset' that he WON'T be prosecuted for rape, giggles lawyer

The Swedish director of public prosecutions, Marianne Ny, has announced that she will end the investigation into Julian Assange's alleged sexual molestation and unlawful coercion. According to an update on her official website, Ny has now "discontinued the investigation of Julian Assange with respect to suspected sexual …
Team Register, 13 Aug 2015
Smoke and fire are seen after an explosion in the Binhai New Area in north China's Tianjin Municipality on Aug. 13, 2015. An explosion rocked the Binhai New Area in north China's Tianjin Municipality at around 11:30 p.m. Wednesday. The cause and casualties are not immediately known. (Xinhua/Yue Yuewei)

Huge explosion kills 44+ in China, blasts nearby supercomputer offline

Vid China is today trying to determine the cause of extensive explosions in the port city of Tianjin that have left at least 44 dead and hundreds injured. State news organ Xinhua reports that a warehouse operated by a company that specialises in dangerous goods, such as chemicals and explosives, blew up on Wednesday night. The …
Team Register, 13 Aug 2015

Dropbox adds USB two factor authentication for paranoid Chrome users

Dropbox has added dongle-driven two factor authentication to its cloud sharing services for more highly risk-averse users in a bid to foil phishing attempts. The USB authentication dongle will replace the need to manually enter a six digit code sent over insecure SMS or generated by authenticator apps. Punters will need a U2F …
Team Register, 13 Aug 2015
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Speaking in Tech: Google, Alphabet spelling out their plans

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week it's Ed and Greg talking about big moves for Google, EMC and VMware, and a seemingly bad move for Nutanix. Our special guest this week is Brad O'Neill, co-founder of TechValidate, fresh from being acquired by …
Team Register, 12 Aug 2015

ANIMALS being CUT UP to make Apple Watch straps

The Register can reveal that beautiful animals are being cut down in their prime to make Apple Watch straps. We at The Register's nature history desk were upset to discover that creatures such as the majestic ostrich, the noble alligator and the much-maligned shark are being used to make wrist securing devices for fruity …
Team Register, 12 Aug 2015
management project5

Techies! Shadow IT means you need to up your game

Shadow IT is not the result of “rogue employees looking to rebel” the research firm Frost and Sullivan has declared in a review of the hybrid cloud market. However, IT chiefs can take little comfort from the report as it goes on to explain that lines of business’s installation and use of unauthorised applications is …
Team Register, 11 Aug 2015

Brassiere belays boob-bound bullet, begetting bruised breastbone

A German woman's brassiere may have saved her life by deflecting a bullet. A woman was almost killed during a hunt in North Eastern Germany, when a hunter missed his target and the rebound hit the 41-year-told tourist. The woman, who was cycling through Germany's least densely populated state of Mecklenberg-Western Pomerania …
Team Register, 11 Aug 2015

Dead Steve Jobs' life and times are being turned into an OPERA

An opera about Steve Jobs will be premiering in 2017, titled The (R)evolution of Steve Jobs. Sante Fe Opera has commissioned the work, which "examines the life of one of the most fascinating figures of our time; an innovator who simplified communication with sleek devices, but who paradoxically learned that complex human …
Team Register, 10 Aug 2015

'Cops KNOW WHO I AM and I don't believe their hearts were truly in the shootout'

QuoTW It was a week of Firefox flaws, unruly Windows and big game news. Here were our favorite quotes from the past seven days: We may have arrived in the Windows 10 era but over in Wales, IT still parties like it's 2001. NHS systems have been found to still be running the ancient operating system Windows XP on their desktops. …
Team Register, 09 Aug 2015
Noel Edmonds. Pic: Matthew Anderson

AIDS? Ebola? Nah – ELECTRO SMOG is our 'biggest problem', says Noel Edmonds

Once omnipresent telly host Noel Edmonds has claimed that "the biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not AIDS, it's electro smog." Electro smog, according to Edmonds, is a product of "the Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives" which "are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields." …
Team Register, 06 Aug 2015
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McAfee tells El Reg: 'My shootout with the police was highly exaggerated'

Wildcard infosec playboy John McAfee has spoken to The Register about his arrest on driving-under-the-influence and firearms charges at the weekend. McAfee wants the world to know that: The shootout with the police was highly exaggerated and in fact no one was even hit by a bullet, let alone harmed by one. The Police knew me …
Team Register, 05 Aug 2015
Spinning_tops

Speaking in Tech: Did Philadelphia Eagles’ fans murder HitchBOT?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, it's a full boat with Ed, Sarah and Greg talking about EMC decisions (spinning in or spinning out, and the possible end of VMworld), Chromecast competitor Matchstick bites the dusk, fewer internet TV options, …
Team Register, 05 Aug 2015
Photo From <a target="_blank" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-232507384/stock-photo-christmas-holiday-happy-girl-friends-looking-at-something-on-digital-touch-screen-tablet-pc.html?src=9mJhlJ8bDz_0JV9eZNUpyQ-1-34">Shutterstock</a>

Chechen women swindle ISIS via social media: 'We need roubles to join you xx'

Chechen rozzers have reportedly arrested a trio of jihadi-baiting women who flirted with ISIS fighters online before conning them out of money they sent to pay for a non-existent rendezvous in Syria. Terrorists pledging allegiance to the self-declared caliphate – almost as contentious in name as deed – have made a concerted …
Team Register, 04 Aug 2015
lottery

Lottery chief resigns as winning combo numbers appear on screen BEFORE being drawn

Aleksandar Vulovic, czar of the Serbian state lottery, has resigned from his position after winning numbers were mysteriously broadcast on television before they had been drawn. Allegations of fraud abound on every hand following the incident, reports the Associated Press. In what was presented to the public as a live …
Team Register, 03 Aug 2015
Tom Selleck in Magnum PI

'How can HP have a dress code if I'm wearing this wacky hat?'

QuoTW We wrap up July with a week of Windows updates, camera controversy and an end to Internet Explorer. These were some of our favourite quips: HP Enterprise wanted everyone to know that, despite managers telling some engineers to smarten up for the office, it doesn't have a "global" corporate dress code, least not now anyway. To …
Team Register, 01 Aug 2015
The Incredible Shrinking Man

Buffoon in 999 call: 'Cat ate my bacon and I want to press charges'

The West Yorkshire fuzz have released recordings of nuisance calls requesting a cat be arrested for eating a man's bacon and a complaint about a noisy washing machine, as well as a request to identify the actor in Magnum PI*. As reported by the Yorkshire Post, a man rang the police to complain about his girlfriend's cat eating …
Team Register, 31 Jul 2015
Long exposure shot showing patterns made my moving lightsabers

This is TRUE science: Harvard boffins fire up sizzling BACON LASER

A team of Harvard scientists has paved the way for a deadly laser pig weapon by demonstrating that, with a little encouragement, pig fat cells can be made to lase. According to MIT Technology Review, Seok Hyun Yun and Matjaž Humar stimulated spheres of fat inside porcine cells with an optical fibre, causing them to emit laser …
Team Register, 30 Jul 2015
HMRC photo, Gov.uk

Contractors who used Employee Beneficiary Trusts are in HMRC's sights

The British Government closed a window of opportunity for tax-efficient folk about a year ago that was beneficial to, and widely used by, contractors: the Employee Beneficiary Trust. Only now, though, has HMRC begun chasing those who had employed this shelter. A demand for money on income generated five years ago dropped …
Team Register, 30 Jul 2015
Google Cloud logo

Speaking in Tech: Google's snapped – it's gone native in the cloud

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed, Sarah and Greg review how Google's going cloud native, Cisco shuts down Whiptail and dress codes at HP. Our special guest this week is Matt Brender from Basho to discuss OSCON and developer culture in the …
Team Register, 29 Jul 2015
A member of Vulture Central poses in the SPB Equation t-shirt

NEW, LOVELY, UNTOUCHED - a second EARTH waiting across the stars

QuoTW Frankly the rest of the quotes this week are a bit overshadowed by the one from NASA saying that "the nearest thing yet" to the discovery of a second known Earth-like habitable world has been made. This week also brought some embarassed philanderers, Amiga celebrated its 30th birthday and we were given a look at the inner …
Team Register, 26 Jul 2015

MEGABOFFIN Stephen Hawking to rattle off answers online for MORE THAN A WEEK

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking will be, as of Monday, answering questions posted on Reddit for more than a week. It will apparently be the longest AMA (Ask Me Anything) session in the history of the freeloading commentblurt site, which will no doubt appreciate the publicity boost from Hawking after a tough month for the …
Team Register, 25 Jul 2015
OpenStack

Intel promises 'scores' of deals to underpin enterprise cloud

Intel has decided the cloud isn’t quite built for the needs of enterprises, and has promised to strike “scores” of collaborations and investments to solidify a Software Defined Infrastructure that will redress the balance. The chip giant reckons that consumer adoption accounts for around 75 per cent of cloud usage, while “ …
Team Register, 24 Jul 2015

Microsoft launches Advanced Threat Analytics

Microsoft's Advanced Threat Analytics is going general-availability next month, so – as Redmond says – enterprises can more quickly spot intruders in their networks. Since the last preview version, ATA engineering head Idan Plotnik says the framework has 13 new features to make it more scalable, with improved threat detection …
Team Register, 23 Jul 2015
Tesla's big saloon out-performs sports cars

Speaking in Tech: Some douchebag put a bike rack on Tesla's new motor

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is back from Thailand while Sarah is out for tea. Ed and Greg discuss Thailand, OSCON, Kubernetes and OpenStack. Our special guest this week is Fred Nix from EMC. This week we discuss... (1:00) Ed …
Team Register, 22 Jul 2015
Bond tries to decipher is tailor

British spooks wave through Samsung S6 mobes for UK govt bods

Samsung's new handsets have been given the seal of approval from the information assurance arm of Britain's intelligence agency. The South Korean tech multinational reckoned that the certification was the first of its kind to be dished out to a mobile vendor in Blighty. Samsung's Galaxy S6 and S6 edge models were granted the …
Team Register, 20 Jul 2015
register logo

Strategy: Key to success or a set of MBA-made handcuffs

Reg Roundtable Try to steer a technology organisation in the absence of a strategy and you will be buffeted by the waves, until your organisation finally goes down with all hands. Or so most strategy consultants would have you believe. At the same time, an overly rigid strategy can soon become a dead weight, crushing your ability to innovate …
Team Register, 20 Jul 2015

What makes our planet's clouds? Tiny INVISIBLE CREATURES. True story

How are clouds formed on Earth? If you didn't answer "tiny marine organisms floating in the sea, perhaps better known as one of the main foods consumed by blue whales," then you were wrong. Boffins at the University of Washington (UoW) and the Pacific Northwest National Laboratory believe that microscopic organisms drifting in …
Team Register, 19 Jul 2015
Old beardy man thinking. Pic: Henadz via Flickr

'It's better to burn out, than to fade away on worst audio in history'

QuoTW It's been a week of petite planets, weird Windows and hacked hospitals. So, without further ado, let's get on to the quotes of the week: With its sales decidedly in the toilet, AMD boss Lisa Su admitted that, yeah, the chipmaker should probably try to knock a few bucks off its budget. Su made the following suggestion: The …
Team Register, 19 Jul 2015

Microsoft attaches Xbox stream bait to Windows 10 hook

Microsoft, determined to do all it can to get and keep people on its newest operating system (Windows 10, in case you've been buried alive for the past year or so) has turned on Xbox streaming for its users. The company said late on Friday that game streaming was being switched on for all Xbox One owners with a Windows 10 PC …
Team Register, 18 Jul 2015

Farmer mooved after reunion with two-year fugitive cow

A fugitive cow has been reunited with her deeply mooved farmer after two years on the run, and occasionally the hoof. The day after her farmer brought Matylda home she escaped from her field in Western Poland, reported AP. Upset with her surroundings, the heifer hoofed it after a fairly brief sojourn. Her owner, Leszek Zasada …
Team Register, 17 Jul 2015

Dotcom's file-sharing hive Mega 'sues for copyright infringement'

A company founded by Kim Dotcom, the file-sharing website kingpin who is accused of mass copyright infringement, is reportedly suing another biz for ... copyright infringement. Cloud storage website Mega.co.nz has apparently fired legal threats at MegaSearch.co.nz, a website that lists links to downloads of unlicensed material …
Team Register, 15 Jul 2015
Train wreck

Speaking in Tech: Reddit makes a train wreck even worse

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is flying back from Thailand (or possibly tweeting from the airport, after a dreamy Dreamliner trip), while Sarah and Greg dish on Micron (could the field now be open to Intel after China's interest), …
Team Register, 15 Jul 2015

Salesforce unleashes red-tape-as-a-service for regulation-heavy users

Salesforce has launched its slightly-more-secure-software-as-a-service for organisations in industries compelled to wrap themselves in red tape. The Salesforce1 service, dubbed "Shield", offers encryption, monitoring, and archiving for the platform's apps. Salesforce says the platform includes field audit trail, platform …
Team Register, 15 Jul 2015

Asimov's ghost! Oil and gas rigs could be taken over by robots

The European Space Agency has announced that a robot, building upon its ExoMars Rover, is bidding to win a place on oil and gas production rigs around the world, to work in remote and hazardous environments. Oil and gas giant Total's Autonomous Robot for Gas and Oil Sites (Argos) Challenge is a three-year competition to …
Team Register, 13 Jul 2015
CC, commercial use allowed: "Photograph by Christopher Michel - (https://flic.kr/p/tVNkZj)"

'Ugly Reddit commentards made me doubt humanity'

QuoTW This was the week of Linux desktops, 3D-printed combustive robot bums and massive data leaks. Again. Time for some of our favourite quips, scoffs and gibes of the past week: US Office of Personnel Management (OPM) boss Katherine Archuleta has decided that losing the private info of 25 million people is quite enough for one …
Team Register, 12 Jul 2015

Twitter's Vine creeps into HD-quality vid – but it's not really for YOU, chump

Twitter has updated its snappy video-sharing app Vine with an HD-quality option for Apple iOS users. The company said in a short blog post that fanbois could now view the vids in HD simply by adjusting a setting via the "Your Content" menu on a user's profile page. Undoubtedly, the latest tweak to the six-second video service …
Team Register, 11 Jul 2015

A quarter of public sector IT workers have never used the cloud

Almost a quarter of UK public sector IT workers are convinced they’ve never actually used the cloud, leaving a big fluffy question mark over Whitehall’s efforts to drag its technology estate into the 21st century. Research, conducted for collaboration software specialist Huddle, also showed that workers in central and local …
Team Register, 09 Jul 2015
Cassini image of Saturn taken on 10 October 2013. Pic: NASA

Speaking in Tech: It's cold outside, so NASA starts a fire in Spaaace

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week, Ed is in Thailand while Sarah and Greg talk cloud taxes (whacking a nine per cent charge on the value chain), hacking the hackers (you'd think their p4ssw0rds would be better), hitching a ride with Google ( …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015

Norks execute underperforming terrapin farm manager

North Korea has executed the manager of an underperforming terrapin farm, following a "field guidance tour" of the site by Kim Jong-un. According to Daily NK, the chubby despot rolled up at the facility on the Taedong River in Pyongyang back in May (see pic, below), to find "some of the tanks were not adequately supplied with …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015
Star Wars: Battlefront

Han Solo to get solo prequel flick in 2018, helmed by LEGO men

Disney's plans to shamelessly cash in on tell more and richer stories from the Star Wars universe will result in a solo Han Solo film in 2018. Starwars.com reports that the as-yet-un-named entertainment will be helmed by Christopher Miller and Phil Lord, the duo responsible for The LEGO Movie, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs …
Team Register, 08 Jul 2015
milliways_the_restaurant_at_the_end_of_the_universe_648

Sony phone chief vows to keep losing money forever and ever

Sony's phone boss has vowed to stay in the mobile business until the heat death of the universe – despite losses that have dragged the rest of the Japanese giant down. Sony handsets lost almost ¥200bn ($1.63bn, £1bn) last year, while almost all of the rest of Sony made money. Nevertheless, Sony Mobile's latest president, …
Team Register, 07 Jul 2015