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It's BLOCK FRIDAY: Britain in GREED-crazed bargain bonanza mob frenzy riot MELTDOWN

The sceptred isle of old Blighty is in flames today as greed crazed mobs, both online and in the real world, stormed bricks'n'mortar shops and etail websites alike leaving blood on the linoleum and smoke belching from overstressed data centres – hosting Currys, Tesco and other box-flingers – up and down the land. Truly, these …
Team Register, 28 Nov 2014
Fawlty Towers

Customers RAGE after Webfusion goes TITSUP

Venerable hosting firm Webfusion UK is experiencing a crippling outage which has hobbled web services across the country. At 15 years old, Webfusion is one of the UK's premier server hosts. Its website collapsed earlier today, although it is now back up, and customers said they were unable to get through to technical support on …
Team Register, 28 Nov 2014

Speaking in Tech: Is OpenStack really letting the SAN shine?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of El Reg's weekly tech podcast, stuffed with news and views on everything that's happened in our world this week. In this episode, regular host Greg Knieriemen heads a panel discussion at the OpenStack Summit in Paris earlier this month. The panel …
Team Register, 26 Nov 2014
Google and Microsoft

Frisky patent WAR: Samsung seeks to BLOCK Nvidia graphics chips from US market

Samsung Electronics's battle with chip maker Nvidia deepened on Friday, after the South Korean outfit filed a complaint with the US International Trade Commission. It wants the regulator to block Nvidia from touting its graphics chips on the US market. As spotted by Bloomberg, the USITC's website showed that Sammy's gripe had …
Team Register, 23 Nov 2014
big droplets falling from rain cloud

Microsoft's Azure goes TITSUP PLANET-WIDE AGAIN in cloud FAIL

Microsoft suffered a major outage on its cloud service Azure overnight. It went titsup just before 1am UK time, and services are only now slowly returning to normal. Microsoft confessed that multiple regions were affected by the "service interruption". Customers around the world using Azure storage, virtual machines, a number …
Team Register, 19 Nov 2014

Speaking in Tech: Go on, call us LEGACY! We solved your little startup problems 15 YEARS ago

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This week, Speaking in Tech regulars Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela have fled for Dell World, which leaves Greg Knieriemen running the show. Greg is holed up in Paris with special guests Mark Twomey, aka Storagezilla, technical director at EMC, and Francois Zimmerman, HDS chief …
Team Register, 19 Nov 2014

YIKES: Combination of LIVING WOMAN and MACHINE sighted in NYC

Intel has announced the release of a new smartwatch slash bracelet thing-a-ma-jig aimed at "fashion forward women". Mica, which stands for My Intelligent Communication Accessory, was unveiled at an event in New York last night. The "feminine communications accessory" will go on sale in early December and offers access to text …
Team Register, 18 Nov 2014
Nokia's mystery device

The Nokia ENIGMA THING and its SECRET, TERRIBLE purpose

Ever since Nokia sold its Devices'n'Services unit to Microsoft, fans of the one-time Finnish titan have been wondering whether it will be able to regain its position as one of the world's biggest tech names. But with its surprise tweet of a mystery product on Monday, online buzz has gone into overdrive. Guess what? We’re up to …
Team Register, 17 Nov 2014

SEX BEAST SEALS may be egging each other on to ATTACK PENGUINS

Boffins have shot shocking footage of seals trying to rape penguins, which are normally one of their food sources. A team of scientists has captured frank images of fur seals mounting king penguins, who are powerless to resist the sea-borne sex pests. Animal experts working on the Marion Island, near the Antarctic, found the …
Team Register, 17 Nov 2014
Undertaker with urn of ashes

DEATH fails to end mobile contract: Widow forced to take HUBBY's ASHES into shop

A widow was forced to take direct action against a T-Mobile shop after it repeatedly demanded payments for her dead husband's mobile. Maria Raybould from Cardiff, Wales, arrived at the store with her hubby's ashes in an effort to stop T-Mobile from continuing to charge £26 per month by direct debit for a Samsung Galaxy Mini SII …
Team Register, 16 Nov 2014

Rare Stegosaurus skeleton moves into plush London pad

London's Natural History Museum will be displaying the world's most complete Stegosaurus skeleton from early next month. The 300 Jurassic bones making up the plant-eating dino were dug up 11 years ago in Wyoming, US. When fully assembled, it measures 560 centimetres long and 290 centimetres tall. The animal is understood to have …
Team Register, 15 Nov 2014

Microsoft exams? Tough, you say? Pffft. 5-YEAR-OLD KID passes MCP test

Wannabe techies take note: A five-year-old kid from Coventry has passed Microsoft's Certified Professional exam. According to the BBC, Ayan Qureshi – under the guidance of his dad, Asim – first showed an interest in computing at the age of three. When the young lad arrived at the exam centre to sit the test, invigilators …
Team Register, 15 Nov 2014
Sony Bravia KDL-55HX85 television

OMG, that CLOUD has a TV in it! Sony goes Over The Top in telly wars

Mighty Japanese globocorp Sony has unveiled a new cloud-based television service called Playstation Vue. It will allow gamers to take a break from the virtual slaughter to watch programmes made by a range of partners, including CBS, Discovery and Viacom. "Everyday TV is about to become extraordinary with our new cloud-based TV …
Team Register, 13 Nov 2014

Speaking in Tech: LIVE from Dell World 2014

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Here is the latest episode of El Reg's weekly techcast, Speaking in Tech, from Dell World – with Ed Saipetch, Sarah Vela and Matt Baker, Dell's head of Enterprise Strategy, discussing "ecosystems of technology", multiple architectures, and why Dell bought itself. We're all …
Team Register, 12 Nov 2014

What kind of generation doesn't stick it to the Man, but to Taylor Swift instead?

Interview David Lowery is a mathematician, musician (Cracker, Camper Van Beethoven), songwriter and producer. He also teaches business at the University of Georgia. "Congratulations!," Lowery wrote two years ago in a widely read post — "your generation is the first in history to rebel by unsticking it to the man and instead sticking it to …
Team Register, 11 Nov 2014
comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko

Race is on to touch down on COMET 67P before WHIFFY SPACE DUCK breaks up

Vid Rosetta robot probe, Philae, is set to touch down on comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko on Wednesday, 12 November, when the craft's decade-long chase to reach the speeding, icy cosmic rock hits its target – if all goes to plan. But how long can we expect the comet to live? The European Space Agency's project scientist Matt Taylor …
Team Register, 09 Nov 2014
Doctor Who in Listen

Does Father Christmas expect a happy ending with Clara in Doctor Who?

Vid Shaun of the Dead star Nick Frost will appear in Doctor Who's Christmas special as Santa Claus. Youtube Video Viewers of last night's finale on the Beeb will have seen Frost arrive at the entrance to the Tardis as a deadpan Father Christmas, after the Doctor's cryptic farewell with Clara. Coo-eee! [knock, knock] Hello. [knock …
Team Register, 09 Nov 2014

Elon Musk and ex-Google man mull flinging 700 internet satellites into orbit

Space rocket baron Elon Musk is reportedly in tentative talks with industry players and regulatory bods to build 700 internet satellites weighing less than 250 pounds each. The billionaire is discussing the plans with Greg Wyler, according to the Wall Street Journal. Until very recently, Wyler was leading Google's efforts to …
Team Register, 09 Nov 2014
bees

Hot, horny bees swerve PLANET-SAVING DUTIES as climate warms, claim boffins

Boffins who believe that the world's climate is warming have uncovered new findings that they think could strike a serious blow to crop productivity: horny bees. Researchers from the University of East Anglia, Reg readers may want to take note, used Met Office climate records as part of their study. So we bring this information …
Team Register, 08 Nov 2014

Yes! It's DRONE PORN. And we don't mean shiny pics of UAVs

SFW-ish It's been said that a technology hasn't really made it into the mainstream until it's been used for porn*. If that's true, then welcome, drones. Thanks to Brooklyn, New York filmmakers Brandon LaGanke and John Cartucci – who produce ads, music videos, and other content via their company, Ghost+Cow – we now have Drone Boning, …
Team Register, 07 Nov 2014

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Team Register, 06 Nov 2014

Fatty Brit 4G networks SLOW DOWN. Too much Bacon, perhaps?

Brits clamouring to sign new mobile contracts to get their hands on speedier networks might want to pause for thought: 4G speeds have halved in the past year just as demand rose. This is according to a new market report from Which? — working in collaboration with OpenSignal. The mag said it used real data and real people to come …
Team Register, 05 Nov 2014
OpenStack's "Dope 'N Stack" campaign

Speaking in Tech: Biz bods chat LIVE from OpenStack Summit

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of Speaking In Tech, all ready to download to your phone or tablet to make your commute home that much more informative and funny. Join your host, Greg Knieriemen, as he hosts an all-star panel at the OpenStack Summit in Paris to debate the pros and cons …
Team Register, 05 Nov 2014
What Linus Torvalds thinks of NVIDIA

I am POLICE SERGEANT L. TORVALDS! Stop or I'll SHOOT

Linus Torvalds, main mover 'n' shaker behind the Linux kernel, has long had a reputation for being a bit of a hothead. Yet a new TV show puts a new spin on Torvalds' temper tantrums. Australian political thriller The Code, currently being screened on BBC 4, is - so the BBC 4 website tells us - "about two very different brothers …
Team Register, 04 Nov 2014

UN: Fossil fuels should be TERMINATED 86 years from now

The latest UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) report alarmingly warned today that it was vital for the world to phase out fossil fuels by 2100. The committee claimed that cutting greenhouse gas emissions by between 40 per cent and 70 per cent by 2050, and to near or below zero emissions in 2100 "would likely …
Team Register, 02 Nov 2014

Spooky GHOST LIGHT reveals DEAD GALAXIES torn apart over 6 BEEELLION years

Pic Astro boffins have observed a faded, ghostly glow of stars belched from ancient galaxies that NASA said were gravitationally ripped apart several billion years ago. The chaotic, straying stars were spotted by the US and European space agency's Hubble telescope – which is the only instrument capable of making such an observation …
Team Register, 01 Nov 2014
Pilot atop sinking vintage aircraft

Forget eyeballs and radar! Brits tackle GPS JAMMERS with WWII technology

Navigation technology developed during World War Two has been deployed to run a network of longwave transmitters as a GPS backup in parts of England and Scotland. As of Friday, the eLoran system had been switched on along the east coast at seven ports. It is expected to cover all of the British Isles by 2020. Quangocrats who …
Team Register, 01 Nov 2014
Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos

Speaking in Tech: Amazon's Fire is being snuffed out

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Hosted by Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week Sarah is out while Ed and Greg are joined by special guest Sam Johnston, director of cloud and IT Services at Equinix. Join us for a discussion on the joys of European air travel, Equinix's deal with Hitachi …
Team Register, 29 Oct 2014

Arrrr GOSH! Argos website goes titsup to make it EVEN BETTER

UK High Street retailer Argos, which recently made a big deal of sexing up its store, is suffering from a major online outage right now. The company coughed to the blunder just before midday by saying sorry to its customers. We’re sorry for problems you’re facing online this morning, we’re working to fix these as quick as we …
Team Register, 28 Oct 2014
HP CEO Meg Whitman

HP seeks to sell chunk of China networking biz: Report

HP is reportedly on the lookout for an Asian suitor to buy a majority of the company's stake in its China-based H3C Technologies. According to the Wall Street Journal, citing people familiar with the matter, HP is in tentative talks with private equity outfits in the People's Republic. The apparent move comes after HP confirmed …
Team Register, 26 Oct 2014
Space X Dragon in Orbit

Billionaire's pet DRAGON SPLASHES DOWN off Pacific Coast

Vid The "Dragon" private space podule - which delivered cargo to the International Space Station - has returned to Earth five weeks after its mission began. SpaceX's Dragon capsule was expected to splash down in the Pacific Ocean, around 265 miles west of the Baja peninsula, within the next hour. ISS 'naut Reid Wiseman tweeted …
Team Register, 25 Oct 2014

CATACLYSMIC Sun BELCH causes hour-long RADIO BLACKOUT in SPAAACE

Pic NASA boffins witnessed another major solar flare on the Sun on Friday - the fourth such activity in the past week erupting from the biggest sunspot in nearly 25 years. This particular flare was classified an X3.1, meaning it was pretty damn intense. The latest powerful burst erupted from a particularly large active region on …
Team Register, 25 Oct 2014
Samsung 840 EVO SSD

WIN a 1TB monster Samsung EVO 840 SSD

Competition SSDs, doncha love ’em? Blisteringly fast and no mechanical parts but all too often you’re faced with a capacity compromise. Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that are worth over £300 apiece. Samsung 840 EVO SSD Samsung is …
Team Register, 24 Oct 2014

Speaking in Tech: Too fat for MARS!

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise Join Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela, co-hosts of our weekly techcast, who are missing the party in Barcelona to bring you the piping hot news from the world of technology … First off, they discuss the hypothetical all-female Mars crew – who needs men when you have robots? …
Team Register, 23 Oct 2014

Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING

Climate change may be causing alpine goats to shrink in size, according to biologists at Durham University. Researchers analysed records of alpine animal sizes to discover that Chamois goats now weigh 25 per cent less than they did back in the '80s. Dr Tom Mason from the School of Biological and Biomedical Sciences at Durham …
Team Register, 23 Oct 2014

FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers

Fed-up FedEx customers in the UK were hit by an email storm yesterday, after a sad sap at the delivery company mistakenly hit the reply-all button on a daily alerts mailing list. Inevitably, it was then besieged by jokers, spammers and idiots replying with the request to be removed from the list. Reg reader, Nick, who flagged …
Team Register, 21 Oct 2014
Apple Watch

Microsoft to enter the STRUGGLE of the HUMAN WRIST

The battle for the future of the human wrist entered a new phase on Monday after it was claimed that tech goliath Microsoft is planning to release its own wearable computer in the coming weeks. If true, this would mean that Redmond's smartwatch would hit stores some way in advance of Apple's own wrist 'puter, which is expected …
Team Register, 20 Oct 2014
Sheep

STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants

A flock of sheep that are about to meet their maker at the abattoir got high on cannabis plants worth £4,000, after the drugs were ditched in a Surrey field. "My sheep weren't quite on their backs with legs in the air but they probably had the munchies," farm shop manager Nellie Budd told local rag the Surrey Mirror. "They …
Team Register, 20 Oct 2014

Origins of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE fished out of SCOTTISH LAKE

Primitive, lake-dwelling armoured fish "invented" internal fertilisation and copulation 385 million years ago in Scotland, a top palaeontologist has found. According to Professor John Long at Flinders University in Australia, the discovery is big news for the evolutionary history of sexual reproduction. Male fossils expertly …
Team Register, 19 Oct 2014
Tim Cook as Mr T

Slabba-dabba-GOLD! Apple kicks off presales of fingerprint-loving iPads

Fanbois can now pre-order Apple's iPad Air 2 and iPad Mini 3 online, after the company unveiled its latest fondleslabs on Thursday. Depending on the spec of the latest iPads, customers can expect to wait anything between two and six working days before the devices are shipped, according to the UK version of Apple's online store …
Team Register, 18 Oct 2014

The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event

LiveBlurt It's just the most exciting sort of news there is: the Apple launch had the world a-jism all through yesterday UK time, before its entirely predictable events had even begun to unfold. Obviously it would be madness to simply wait until the announcement and then mention anything which was actually new in the form of a brief …
Team Register, 16 Oct 2014
An estate agent hands keys to a couple after house sale. Photo by Shutterstock

Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy

A down-under record has been achieved as an enterprising Australian seller has succeeded in obtaining no less than OZ$140k for a much-loved pussy. The feline in question, named "Tiffany", was apparently so desirable to the buyer of a $2m house on the Antipodean subcontinent that an extra $140k was added to the price on condition …
Team Register, 16 Oct 2014
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella

Speaking in Tech: Hey Satya. Have YOU relied on karma in YOUR career?

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise It's another episode of The Reg's best and only weekly podcast – with your hosts Greg Knieriemen, Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela. This week it's just the three amigos stirring it up, discussing what seems to be trend in the industry towards corporate breakups and super-mergers …
Team Register, 15 Oct 2014
Qualcomm

Chipzilla of the mobile world Qualcomm wants to slurp Brit vendor CSR... for £1.6bn

UK Bluetooth specialist CSR looks set to wed Qualcomm Inc, after the mobile chip giant said it had agreed to buy the company for £1.6bn ($2.5bn). San Diego-based Qualcomm said that the acquisition would allow it to beef up the firm's Internet of Stuff and car entertainment businesses. The company's chief Steve Mollenkopf said …
Team Register, 15 Oct 2014
David and Goliath in the Valley of Elah

AndroidScript returns to Google Play Store: Ad giant YIELDS TO THE MIGHT OF EL REG

Hurrah! It woz the Reg wot won it ... An educational app used by thousands of young science, technology, engineering and maths students is set to be reinstated by Google, just one day after we revealed that it had been yanked without warning from the company's Play Store. Dave Smart, the creator behind AndroidScript, got in …
Team Register, 10 Oct 2014
Spam image

You can ring my #bellogate. EMAIL STORM hits 29,000 hapless UCL students

Sysadmins at the University College London (UCL) are battling an email storm after spam messages were sent to nearly 29,000 people on an all-student mailing list. The uni's IT director Mike Cope apologised for the blunder, which happened overnight. UCL students woke up to find spam messages clogging up their university email …
Team Register, 09 Oct 2014

Speaking in Tech: Startup funding – a little wine, dim lights, et voilà ... seed capital!

Podcast speaking_in_tech Greg Knieriemen podcast enterprise This week, Speaking in Tech regular Greg Knieriemen has fled the country, leaving the ever-capable Ed Saipetch and Sarah Vela to host our weekly tech-cast. Today's episode was recorded at Spiceworld with special guests Scott Abel, co-founder and CEO of Spiceworks, and David …
Team Register, 08 Oct 2014

Steve Jobs makes world a better place FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

Apple chief Tim Cook sent an email to staffers on Friday, in which he reminded them all of the greatness of Steve Jobs – who has been dead three years today. It comes after Google's executive chairman Eric Schmidt took a swipe at the fruity führer on Thursday for supposedly getting it wrong about the ad and search giant's …
Team Register, 05 Oct 2014

Air-slurping solar battery will slice energy costs – boffins

Scientists have cooked up a patent-pending hybrid device that combines a solar cell with a rechargeable battery for the very first time. The solar battery was invented by boffins at the Ohio State University, who used a titanium gauze permeable mesh solar panel, which they say was key to the success of the entire US department …
Team Register, 04 Oct 2014

Apple to unveil new iPads, iMacs and OS X Yosemite on 16 October, claim sources

Apple's boss Tim Cook still has a number of iThings up his sleeve with Cupertino expected to reveal new iPads, iMacs and OS X Yosemite on 16 October. Anonymous sources told Re/code that the event would take place at the fruity firm's Town Hall Auditorium. It comes, after Apple unleashed its iWatches and iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 …
Team Register, 04 Oct 2014