Great white sharks menace Blighty

In what certainly represents the death of the British seaside pedalo hire industry, the Sun reports that hungry great white sharks have moved from their traditional hunting grounds off the coast of Amity in search of European flesh.

Those of you who are tempted to doubt that anyone venturing out into UK territorial waters will soon be enjoying the full USS Indianapolis experience are directed to "respected shark angler" Steve Mills, who warns: "There are definitely great whites in our waters. The only reason they do not get caught by fisherman is because they do not use the right tackle.

"They will be here because of the stocks of mackerel and will probably be feeding on pollock and cod."

Yes, the Sun's report certainly contains a great deal of pollocks. Mills says of the great white menace: "There have been sightings in the past but no photographic evidence, but that definitely does not mean they are not here."

Well, whether the lack of photographic evidence proves or otherwise that great whites are definitely here or not, plucky Brit anglers are queuing at the quayside for the chance to join Quint for a poke at the devil fish's ass.

Portsmouth angling lad Matt Sims, 22, bravadoed for the tabloids: "My dream has always been to catch one of these monsters. I have heard rumours that you can get them around Cornwall so I think I shall start there.

He said: "It is amazing to think that now I do not need to go abroad to catch one, I can just go down the coast."

The great white shark, aka Carcharodon carcharias, legendarily has a taste for lean and tanned Oz and South African surfers. Quite how it it takes to the innocent white flesh of Newquay remains to be seen. ®